Condemn The Great Parkguinius

[Royaltica]

Hello,
Can I have some feedback on this proposal I'm working on? Thanks!

The Security Council,

Mortified that The Great Parkguinius has not been caught during the execution of pure terror;

Frightened about the future of The South Pacific and the world;

Appalled that The Great Parkguinius is running an undercover terrorist syndicate;

Alarmed that The Great Parkguinius’s group is underway of planning to overthrow the government of The South Pacific, including Delegate Aumeltopia;

Sympathetic to the people of The Great Parkguinius for possessing almost no civil rights under a corrupt government;

Worried about the spreading of illegal business due to the condemned nation’s large black market;

Afraid that the nation will continue to invite members to create their terrorist group into a large agency that attacks unstable nations, and that the regions will need the protection of several nations;

Disturbed that The Great Parkguinius will have enough terrorists to launch a bombardment of many regions;

Enraged that the people of the nation are forced to:

- Live with their spouse for life, even if not happy,

- Never protest or else face severe consequences,

- Have no choice in what gets done with their body after death,

- Take part in human sacrifice,

- Have compulsory military participation,

- Be taken as slaves,

- Not having the right to use cars or computers,

- Not being able to re-enter or exit the country;

Terrified that The Great Parkguinius's reign still exists and grows;

Hereby condemns The Great Parkguinius

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

You’ve already submitted it so feedback is pointless.

[Tinhampton]

Full support. Aumeltopia is the legitimate delegate of The South Pacific and it would be positively dreadful if somebody with <500mil population were to overtake Madame Biscuitress! >:P

[Royaltica]

I am going to delete the proposal, so I can work on it more.

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

I am going to delete the proposal, so I can work on it more.

To be honest you have an almost zero chance of writing a decent Condemnation for a nation that has only been in existence a few months. They just haven’t done anything worthwhile within NS.

[FiHami]

As a frequent victim of this ruthless Guin-Guin Parkey, I fully support this condemnation!

[Authoritaria-Imperia]

Hi, and welcome to the SC forums. I think I'm with Bhang Bhang Duc on this one — the nation you've chosen doesn't seem worthy of a condemnation. These are usually reserved for nations that have been around for longer. But here's some feedback anyway; I don't think the proposal has potential but it can certainly be writing practice if you want:

Mortified that The Great Parkguinius has not been caught during the execution of pure terror;

This could use some elaboration. What's "the execution of pure terror"? Terrorism…? And some examples (e.g. particularly devastating raids, etc.) will make your point more convincing.

Frightened about the future of The South Pacific and the world;

This seems tangential; how is The South Pacific related to the nation in question? Does The Great Parkguinius occupy the region? And why are you afraid for its future, what happened? Give us some more information!

Appalled that The Great Parkguinius is running an undercover terrorist syndicate;

Is this the "execution of pure terror" you were talking about earlier? If so, then why write two clauses about the same thing? And in any case, examples are needed. You've left things incredibly unclear — is this regional terrorism, and if so, where and when and what happened? Or were they roleplaying? The current draft is too vague!

Alarmed that The Great Parkguinius’s group is underway of planning to overthrow the government of The South Pacific, including Delegate Aumeltopia;

Oh, here's some more information about The South Pacific. This renders that earlier clause irrelevant. And as bad as this may sound, the fact that they're only "planning" this really weakens the proposal. After all, a coup is only a big deal if it works — wouldn't the proposal be more persuasive if written after the coup has succeeded? Then your readers aren't thinking, "just planning to overthrow, what's the big deal?"

Sympathetic to the people of The Great Parkguinius for possessing almost no civil rights under a corrupt government;

I wouldn't try to spread yourself too thin with topics if I were you. There are so many nations with low Civil Rights, making that not a big enough deal for a condemnation. Maybe if they were in the bottom 1% this would be more significant, but at present it's not.

Worried about the spreading of illegal business due to the condemned nation’s large black market;

See above. Being in the top 8% for Black Market isn't a very big deal.

Afraid that the nation will continue to invite members to create their terrorist group into a large agency that attacks unstable nations, and that the regions will need the protection of several nations;

Disturbed that The Great Parkguinius will have enough terrorists to launch a bombardment of many regions;

Whoa, we're back to terrorism. Organising your proposal to have ideas build on each other linearly is a good idea; that way your readers aren't getting whipped around and thinking, "wait, what was the terrorism thing again…?" At least you've clarified that it's regional terrorism — but that sounds like raiding, which in itself isn't condemnable (what's so special about this nation's raiding?). Plus now both earlier terrorism clauses are irrelevant; neither one says anything that these don't. And they're so similar and short that they'd probably be best merged together into one clause.

Enraged that the people of the nation are forced to:

- Live with their spouse for life, even if not happy,

- Never protest or else face severe consequences,

- Have no choice in what gets done with their body after death,

- Take part in human sacrifice,

- Have compulsory military participation,

- Be taken as slaves,

- Not having the right to use cars or computers,

- Not being able to re-enter or exit the country;

A list of controversial policies isn't notable; how many nations out there have the same ones? And if you do want to mention a few policies, be creative! Add some rhetoric to emphasise how truly bestial and horrific the laws are, or highlight something in violation of the World Assembly's international law. Then say they're "proliferating twisted, toxic, and inhumane ideals across the multiverse, poisoning developing nations with abhorrent ideals and harming billions of innocent citizens." Re-frame the nation's stuff to make it sound truly unacceptable!

Terrified that The Great Parkguinius's reign still exists and grows;

This is kind of a filler clause, no? If the nation's reign no longer existed, this proposal would be a bit pointless.

Hereby condemns The Great Parkguinius

Props for reading the rules and doing a correct operative clause.

Okay, please don't get the wrong idea. I don't mean to be overly or unnecessarily critical, and I haven't been around here that long so take my words with a grain of salt; I'm just trying to give you guidance applicable to future proposals. You've already jumped several tiers ahead of most people, who a) completely ignore all the rules and/or b) never post to the forums for feedback. The next step is to find a quality candidate so that you have plenty of material to write about! Oh, and if you're going to draft on the forums then you probably shouldn't formally submit your proposal in-game 'til people think it's ready. The one you've already submitted is almost certainly not going to make it to a vote, so all that does is take up people's time unnecessarily.

Good luck!

[Dome Artan]

It certainly doesn't help you that TSP just had a very similar but more well written joke condemnation pass.

[Daytime to Night]

I am going to delete the proposal, so I can work on it more.

To be honest you have an almost zero chance of writing a decent Condemnation for a nation that has only been in existence a few months. They just haven’t done anything worthwhile within NS.

Without meaning to sound unnecessarily negative, because it is an excellent first attempt at drafting, I have to agree with this. You have done a great job at extracting a lot from the limited content available to you but there are 240k nations and a large proportion have national policies we could describe in these terms - whereas Condemnations are reserved for nations that are uniquely condemnable and usually following a large body of work (on their part) to develop their nation or reputation in that way. They are a recognition of the most villainous characters in the game and I don't think your nominee has (yet) earned that recognition.

You may want to discuss possible proposals within the South Pacific's OWL programme to identify a better suited nominee that you can invest your talent and enthusiasm into researching and condemning/commending.