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[ABANDONED] Roses are Red, Violets are Black & Blue

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

[ABANDONED] Roses are Red, Violets are Black & Blue

Postby East Priapistan » Wed Feb 26, 2020 2:29 am

Yet another one inspired by recent events :)

[VALIDITY] Valid for all nations.

[TITLE] Roses are Red, Violets are Black & Blue

[DESCRIPTION] With the infamous terrorist Violet State organisation being all but crushed in the desert state of Althaniq after a long and bloody war, your Secretary of Various Affairs confronts you with a rather sensitive topic: a number of @@DEMONYM@@ women who illegally left the country a number of years ago to join the Violetists, and were convicted in absentia to long prison sentences for terrorism, have produced a sizeable offspring in the Violet State warrior camps. Since the children technically have the @@DEMONYM@@ nationality, their mothers are trying to get @@NAME@@ to rescue them out of the war zone.

[OPTION 1] "Those children didn't do anything wrong, @@LEADER@@!" whimpers human rights lawyer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You can't blame them for their mothers' crimes - they are underage @@NAME@@ citizens, and they are in dire need of evacuation. The only right thing to do is get them back to their home country. I'm sure that a swift military operation, with a dedicated air plane and a platoon of our elite soldiers, will be able to extract them out of the war zone with a reasonable chance of success and minimal casualties."
[EFFECT 1] @@NAME@@ citizens who get in an argument abroad are forcefully extracted by a military "rescue team" helicopter

[OPTION 2] "Are you insane?" snorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, your head of State Security. "Those Violet State terrorists are a lost cause; their children have been indoctrinated from birth to hate everything @@NAME@@ stands for. Yes, they may be only 4 or 5 years old, but they can shoot an AK-47 better than most of our soldiers. The fact that they have our nationality is a legal loophole - they weren't even born in @@NAME@@! I say we retroactively revoke the citizenship of the mothers, which makes their children... well, I dunno. Let Althaniq figure that out."
[EFFECT 2] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ not paying their speeding tickets are threatened to have their passport revoked

[OPTION 3] "Do you have any idea how much it costs to mount such a rescue operation?!" huffs and puffs your Minister of Finance, while flipping through a thick report with a suspiciously high amount of red numbers. "I mean, second chances, think of the children, blah blah, blah, fine. But decent, hard-working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ shouldn't have to pay for the mistakes of Violetist scum! How about we tell them that if they manage to get back to @@NAME@@ on their own, they can keep their citizenship? Oh, and the parents go straight to jail, obviously."
[EFFECT 3] neighbouring nations report of terrorist families hitch-hiking to get to @@CAPITAL@@


[VALIDITY] Valid for all nations.

[TITLE] Roses are Red, Violets are Black & Blue

[DESCRIPTION] With the infamous terrorist Violet State organisation being all but crushed in Dàguó after a long and bloody war, your Secretary of Various Affairs confronts you with a rather sensitive topic: a number of @@DEMONYM@@ women who illegally left the country a number of years ago to join the Violetists, and were convicted in absentia to long prison sentences for terrorism, have produced a sizeable offspring in the Violet State warrior camps. Since the children technically have the @@DEMONYM@@ nationality, their mothers are trying to get @@NAME@@ to rescue them out of the war zone.

[OPTION 1] "Those children didn't do anything wrong, @@LEADER@@!" whimpers human rights lawyer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You can't blame them for their mothers' crimes - they are underage @@NAME@@ citizens, and they are in dire need of evacuation. The only right thing to do is get them back to their home country. I'm sure that a swift military operation, with a dedicated air plane and a platoon of our elite soldiers, will be able to extract them out of the war zone with a reasonable chance of success and minimal casualties."
[EFFECT 1] @@NAME@@ spares no expense to rescue people who don't even know where @@NAME@@ is on a world map

[OPTION 2] "Are you insane?" snorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, your head of State Security. "Those Violet State terrorists are a lost cause; their children have been indoctrinated from birth to hate everything @@NAME@@ stands for. Yes, they may be only 4 or 5 years old, but they can shoot an AK-47 better than most of our soldiers. The fact that they have our nationality is a legal loophole - they weren't even born in @@NAME@@! I say we retroactively revoke the citizenship of the mothers, which makes their children... well, I dunno. Let Dàguó figure that out."
[EFFECT 2] @@NAME@@ citizens crossing the country borders aren't certain to be allowed back in

[OPTION 3] "Do you have any idea how much it costs to mount such a rescue operation?!" huffs and puffs your Minister of Finance, while flipping through a thick report with a suspiciously high amount of red numbers. "I mean, second chances, think of the children, blah blah, blah, fine. But decent, hard-working @@DEMONYM@@ shouldn't have to pay for the mistakes of Violetist scum! How about we tell them that if they manage to get back to @@NAME@@ on their own, they can keep their citizenship? Oh, and the parents go straight to jail, obviously."
[EFFECT 3] Neighbouring nations report of terrorist families hitch-hiking to get to @@CAPITAL@@


[VALIDITY] Valid for all nations.

[TITLE] Roses are Red, Violets are Black & Blue

[DESCRIPTION] With the infamous terrorist Violet State organisation being all but crushed in Dàguó after a long and bloody war, your Secretary of Various Affairs confronts you with a rather sensitive topic: a number of @@DEMONYM@@ women who illegally left the country a number of years ago to join the Violetists, and were convicted in absentia to long prison sentences for terrorism, have produced a sizeable offspring in the Violet State warrior camps. Since the children technically have the @@DEMONYM@@ nationality, their mothers are trying to get @@NAME@@ to rescue them out of the war zone.

[OPTION 1] "Those children didn't do anything wrong, @@LEADER@@!" whimpers human rights lawyer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You can't blame them for their mothers' crimes - they are underage @@NAME@@ citizens, and they are in dire need of evacuation. The only right thing to do is get them back to their home country. I'm sure that a swift military operation, with a dedicated air plane and a platoon of our elite soldiers, will be able to extract them out of the war zone with a reasonable chance of success and minimal casualties."
[EFFECT 1] "@@NAME@@ spares no expense to rescue people who don't even know where @@NAME@@ is on a world map."

[OPTION 2] "Do you have any idea how much it costs to mount such a rescue operation?!" huffs and puffs your Minister of Finance, while flipping through a thick report with a suspiciously high amount of red numbers. "I mean, second chances, think of the children, blah blah, blah, fine. But decent, hard-working @@DEMONYM@@ shouldn't have to pay for the mistakes of Violetist scum! How about we tell them that if they manage to get back to @@NAME@@ on their own, they can keep their citizenship? Oh, and the parents go straight to jail, obviously."
[EFFECT 2] "Neighbouring nations report of terrorist families hitch-hiking to get to @@CAPITAL@@."

[OPTION 3] "Are you insane?" snorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, your head of State Security. "Those Violet State terrorists are a lost cause; their children have been indoctrinated from birth to hate everything @@NAME@@ stands for. Yes, they may be only 4 or 5 years old, but they can shoot an AK-47 better than most of our soldiers. The fact that they have our nationality is a legal loophole - they weren't even born in @@NAME@@! I say we retroactively revoke the citizenship of the mothers, which makes their children... well, I dunno. Let Dàguó figure that out."
[EFFECT 3] "@@NAME@@ citizens crossing the country borders aren't certain to be allowed back in."
Last edited by East Priapistan on Thu Mar 12, 2020 2:07 am, edited 9 times in total.

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Baggieland
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Founded: May 27, 2013
Father Knows Best State

Postby Baggieland » Wed Feb 26, 2020 6:04 am

I think you should swap options 2 and 3 around. Your current option 3 is that "these are terrorist scum and they would be a danger to us if we allowed them back into NAME". Which is the stance of the people who don't want the IS brides / children back from Syria.

Your current option 2 is "they can remain citizens -- if they can make it back". Which fits the 'crazy 3rd option' better.

Also your effect lines shouldn't have speech quotes, capital letters or full stops.
Keep the faith, keep on boinging!

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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Wed Feb 26, 2020 6:19 am

Baggieland wrote:I think you should swap options 2 and 3 around. Your current option 3 is that "these are terrorist scum and they would be a danger to us if we allowed them back into NAME". Which is the stance of the people who don't want the IS brides / children back from Syria.

Your current option 2 is "they can remain citizens -- if they can make it back". Which fits the 'crazy 3rd option' better.

Also your effect lines shouldn't have speech quotes, capital letters or full stops.


Makes sense. Option 2 started as "slightly sensible" when I was writing it, but it ended up being the crazy one after all. Will edit it right away.

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Trotterdam
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Left-Leaning College State

Postby Trotterdam » Wed Feb 26, 2020 11:46 am

Baggieland wrote:Your current option 2 is "they can remain citizens -- if they can make it back". Which fits the 'crazy 3rd option' better.
I'm not sure it's that crazy. My nation has very open immigration laws, so an attitude of "well, they're not citizens now, but they can be if they find their way here" would be in-character.

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Baggieland
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Father Knows Best State

Postby Baggieland » Wed Feb 26, 2020 5:10 pm

It's crazier.
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Australian rePublic
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Founded: Mar 18, 2013
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Postby Australian rePublic » Thu Feb 27, 2020 2:21 am

Would they otherwise be stateless? That makes a big difference
Also, one thread per issue, please
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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Fri Feb 28, 2020 12:55 am

Australian rePublic wrote:Would they otherwise be stateless? That makes a big difference

I've deliberately not touched at the "stateless" effect. It's true that option 2 could very well result in the Violetists and their children becoming stateless - which in real life is not allowed by international convention (iirc), but I haven't seen anything explicitly forbidding it in NS. The World Assembly might have enforced something like this (haven't checked) but even in that case there's plenty of non-WA member states.

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:22 am

The premise is good, though the English grammar is somewhat lacking. We can fix such things, of course. Your English is intermittently strong and weak, which makes me think you may not be a native speaker.

The effect lines aren't great either, in my opinion.

None of this is dealbreaking though -- this is a decent and interesting issue overall.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Fri Feb 28, 2020 3:45 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:The premise is good, though the English grammar is somewhat lacking. We can fix such things, of course. Your English is intermittently strong and weak, which makes me think you may not be a native speaker.

Second or third language, depending on whom you ask :)

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:The effect lines aren't great either, in my opinion.

I liked the effect for option 3 the most - the others much less so. I'll mull it over and (hopefully) come up with something better. All suggestions welcome of course!

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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Wed Mar 04, 2020 2:57 am

Updated with 2 new effect lines.

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Baggieland
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Founded: May 27, 2013
Father Knows Best State

Postby Baggieland » Thu Mar 05, 2020 3:01 am

Personally, I'd like to see Daguo changed to Althaniq, as Daguo is based on China while Althaniq is based on a middle eastern country.
Keep the faith, keep on boinging!

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East Priapistan
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Posts: 45
Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Thu Mar 05, 2020 5:45 am

Baggieland wrote:Personally, I'd like to see Daguo changed to Althaniq, as Daguo is based on China while Althaniq is based on a middle eastern country.


Ah, wasn't aware of that. Updated it; cfr discussions about a similar introduction of a nation in a different issue, I've set it to "the desert state of Althaniq" in the description. Didn't feel like bumping for a full new draft for this one. :)

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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Mon Mar 09, 2020 1:11 am

Bumping to last call! Planned submission end of the week.

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Baggieland
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Founded: May 27, 2013
Father Knows Best State

Postby Baggieland » Mon Mar 09, 2020 5:28 am

It looks okay to me, except for the effect lines, they're still not that great.

1, the next Olympic skeet gold medal hopeful is still in primary school

2, umm... still thinking.

3, border police are erecting more obstacles to prevent citizens from returning.

Not sure about these two suggestions either, leave the draft active for a bit longer to see if anyone else has suggestions.

Also, if you could trim the intro a bit, that would be great.
Keep the faith, keep on boinging!

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Trotterdam
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Left-Leaning College State

Postby Trotterdam » Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:28 am

Baggieland wrote:3, border police are erecting more obstacles to prevent citizens from returning.
That would only guarantee that dismissing the issue is the only sane response.

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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Tue Mar 10, 2020 3:20 am

Baggieland wrote:It looks okay to me, except for the effect lines, they're still not that great.

Pity, I quite like them. :)

Baggieland wrote:Also, if you could trim the intro a bit, that would be great.

Yes, it's a bit big - I'll check if I can shave off some of the fat without losing crucial information.
Last edited by East Priapistan on Tue Mar 10, 2020 3:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:50 am

It's good enough to work with, but if I were to edit this I'd likely trim each section by a third. Probably best to do that yourself, so you retain more control of the process.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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Trotterdam
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Postby Trotterdam » Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:56 am

I just got #1204 and realized a significant similarity. That issue's woman is only pregnant rather than already having had several kids, but otherwise the situation is largely identical.

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Mar 11, 2020 11:07 am

Good point, that one slipped my mind.

I think that's an overlap no-go then, sorry.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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East Priapistan
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Founded: Dec 13, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby East Priapistan » Thu Mar 12, 2020 2:06 am

Bummer! Yes, that's virtually identical.


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