Lotharia's Food Reviews(Reboot!)

[Atrilan]

Smell:
Pungent, strong, burns the nostrils from its pure amount of spice

Look:
Krispy with a k, beautiful copper red, internal meat is white, peculiarly phallic

Taste:
Spicier than salted water (very spicy), not very sweet, flavorful, peppery

Texture:
Very oily, tender (high quality chicken), Xtra krispy (with an x and k)

Overall: 8/10

The Colonel's fiery creation was inspired by one of Nashville's most famous dishes. Featuring a perfect blend of spicy cayenne and smoked paprika, Nashville Hot is available in tenders, Chicken Littles™, and Extra Crispy™ chicken. Try it in a Nashville Hot basket today with your choice of Extra Crispy™ chicken or Extra Crispy™ tenders, mashed potatoes, biscuit, and pickles!

Editor's note: Eat it with consumption, the sauce is very oily. Be careful of the sauce spilling, I spilled it all over my car and I had to shake the mat outside. My cousin saw me doing this and came up to me. Now I don't know how much you know me, but I'm not a huge fan of my cousin Hugh. Kevin is alright I guess, he's the one who helped me talked to Veronica in high school so I do appreciate him for that. But sadly, this wasn't Kevin, it was Hugh. He came up to me and asked what I was doing, my head snapped up in shock but I tried to keep a calm face. He asked me what I was doing and I made up some excuse saying that I just came back from paintball and there was paint on my mat. He then asked what I was doing in a KFC parking lot. He had me there, not sure why I said that. I went home that evening distraught, confused on what to do about this situation I had found myself in. Hugh had caught me in a lie, that stupid bastard had gotten the better of me. Sarah always said I was too prideful and that I should let things like this go, but that bitch is six feet under now isn't she? That's what happens when you're pro-gun control I guess. Poor woman got robbed at gunpoint and couldn't defend herself, really a shame. So anyways, I went to Hugh's next morning and followed him to work, standard office job. I had my goal: get Hugh fired. Now, I don't know if you know Hugh's boss, but he's a real hardass, any little thing will tick him off. So, I devised a plan, I would give him a can of soda with a letter saying it was from Hugh. But what he didn't know was that I had shaken the can beforehand. I watched with throbbing intensity as Hugh's boss opened the can, spraying soda all over him! He called Hugh into his office and fired him, he walked out a fool. I had won, Hugh had lost. So yeah the chicken was pretty good.

[Military Lands of the Scottish People]

For me, it's the McChicken. The best fast food sandwich. I even ask for extra McChicken sauce packets and the staff is so friendly and more than willing to oblige.

One time I asked for McChicken sauce packets and they gave me three. I said, "Wow, three for free!" and the nice friendly McDonald's worker laughed and said, "I'm going to call you 3-for-free!".

Now the staff greets me with "hey it's 3-for-free!" and ALWAYS give me three packets. It's such a fun and cool atmosphere at my local McDonald's restaurant, I go there at least 3 times a week for lunch and a large iced coffee with milk instead of cream, 1-2 times for breakfast on the weekend, and maybe once for dinner when I'm in a rush but want a great meal that is affordable, fast, and can match my daily nutritional needs.

I even dip my fries in McChicken sauce, it's delicious! What a great restaurant.

[Isle of Amazon Lily]

Smell:
Very spicy, smells like chili peppers, has a citrusy after smell

Look:
Radiation red, will probably glow in the dark if i turned off the lights (Edit: it glowed in the dark)

Taste:
Very spicy, chili peppers and lime, very strong, starts off simply spicy before the lime overwhelms you near the end of the chew like diarrhea you can't hold in from your ass muscles

Texture:
Krunchy, with a k.

Overall: 9.5/10

Editor's note: Be careful not to wipe your fingers on your clothes because the amount of dye they put in the taki powder to give it it's nuclear coloring will not come out of your clothes. Trust me I know. I wiped it on my tuxedo after I got stood up by my prom date Veronica, who instead went with my asshole of a brother Richard. Even though she said that she loved me and that I was the only guy in her life but that was a fucking lie and at least 10 other guys can account for that. So really who's the loser here? Me, the prom dateless alpha or my sorry ass beta of a brother who's fucking a trash can? Really all women are like this, shallow bitches who only go after a guy based on his looks and his wallet. So I freak out because my mommy rented this suit for me so I go into the chic'fil'a bathroom because I was totally not crying in the chic'fil'a parking lot in my mom's car because Veronica didn't effect me at all. And I go to clean the taki stains out but it was really deep in there so i take off my shirt to put it in the sink and wash it all out. So there I am, man titties hanging out when this dude just walks right in and is like "Why are you shirtless washing your shirt in the urinals" and that's when I realized that it was never a weird sink it was actually a urinal. And I was washing my shirt in some dudes pee area and so of course I vomit out of fear. The guy who walked in instantly runs out, fearful of the powerful geyser of flaming red stomach fluids that was coming out of my mouth at mach speeds. I vomited so hard that I cried, for the first time that night because I didn't care about Veronica it's just vomiting is really hurtful. So next thing I know I'm driving away in my mom's car, button up shirt of delicious taki powder, vomit, and pee tossed carelessly in the passenger seat. Not wanting to get my tie dirt I of course keep it tied around my neck securely place between my moobs. Apparently I was driving home too fast, and the flash of red and blue behind me. Like hell I was going to let those pigs catch me. They already had the license plate number so I knew there was only one thing to do. I drive my car into the lake, faking my death. I had a suicide note on hand blaming veronica for my suicide, saying that she told me to do it. Taki stains never did come out but they're pretty good.