Commend Imkiville

[The Armed Crystal]

Hello Everyone;

I am The Armed Crystal, WA Delegate, and Prime Minister of the region called Morpheus. This is my first ever proposal I actually have written by myself. Here it is.

Commend Imkiville

RECOGNIZING: The nation of Imkiville for their professionalism, knowledge, leadership, and dedication to NationStates, the development of future leaders, and the region of Lazarus.

OBSERVING: Imkiville’s tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership in Lazarus after restoring Lazarus with its rightful government. The nation of Imkiville successfully led a revolution against the illegitimate Lazarus government that was led by Funkadelia, Aleister, and Killer Kitty. Their careful guidance, dedication, and skillful leadership restored the region of Lazarus as we know it as today.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and leadership in NationStates roleplay, in both in character and out of character aspects, for off-site and on-site forums.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

[Frisbeeteria]

Thanks for posting a draft first. Please read the SC proposal rules and make appropriate edits. Per Rule 4 (b), "She" does not exist in the SC. All actions are taken by 'nations', never 'players'.

There may be other problems, but that one just leaps off the page.

[Padfootia]

RECOGNIZING: The nation of Imkiville for her professionalism, knowledge, leadership, and dedication to the NSGP community, the NSGP server, and the region of Lazarus.[/quote]

I think this is a 2c rule violation.

Also you have a couple of 4b rule violations, including "she".

[Ransium]

Also rule 3, you must somewhere (traditionally at the end) actually write something like “Hereby commends Imkiville. Note that rule 4b, which Fris brought up, also means you shouldn’t refer to the attributes of a player as you would an individual. For example, would you describe a country as being wise? Also, your references to roleplay, offsite, servers, etc. refer to the game as a game, an R4c violation.

[Praeceps]

This draft is a good start. I cannot comment on the accuracy of the claims but I can say you are lacking substance. For starters, how did Imki develop future leaders and the region of Lazarus? Be specific in what she did. Similarly, can you provide more details on her involvement in roleplay? Your claims are rather generic.

I would suggest reaching out to people who know Imki for more information. I know she does a lot of graphic designing for others—I'm not sure how much and how widely used but I do believe she made flags for some prominent regions. That is something which could be incorporated into your proposal.

[The Armed Crystal]

Hello Again,
Here is an updated draft with more stuff in it.

Commend Imkiville

RECOGNIZING: The nation of Imkiville for their following accomplishments. The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, and the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces or better known as SPSF. They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the WA Delegate of the region of Lazarus by creating the Role-play theme called Lazarus Corporation, which is still used to this day. Imkiville also designed many pieces of artwork of flags for numerous regions. the dedication of their work across NationStates.

OBSERVING: Imkiville’s tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership in Lazarus after restoring Lazarus with its rightful government. The nation of Imkiville successfully led a revolution against the illegitimate Lazarus government that was led by Funkadelia, Aleister, and Killer Kitty. Their careful guidance, dedication, and skillful leadership restored the region of Lazarus as we know it as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus, you can find them faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and looking after the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and leadership in NationStates roleplay, in both in character and out of character aspects, for off-site and on-site forums. Some other noticeable accomplishments of Imkiville are,
1. Lazarus Legislator (1/2018-4/2018)
2. Laz Guardian (3/2017-4/2018)
3. LazCorp Chief Executive Officer (4/2018-3/2019)
4. The South Pacific Legislator (6/2015-12/2017)
5. Honorary SPSF Officer (6/2015-12/2017)
6. TSP Local Councillor (8/2015-11/2015)
7. TSP Vice Delegate (12/2015-2/2016)
8. TSP Minister of Military Affairs (6/2016-10/2016)
9. Osi Sub-Vizier of Visual Design (5/2017-12/2017)
10. Balder Citizen (9/2018-17/2017)
11. Kingdom of Alexandria Subject of the Crown (2/2016-12/2016)
12. KoA Privy Councilor of Arts (2/2016-12/2016)

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. If you want to know more, you can read more about Imkiville found here https://www.nationstates.net/page=dispatch/id=989877! This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

[Kuriko]

Gives advice on discord.

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

Mention of roleplay - illegal.

Link to a dispatch - illegal.

Copying material directly from said dispatch without the author’s permission is plagiarism - also illegal.

[Eumaeus]

RECOGNIZING: The nation of Imkiville for the following accomplishments. The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, and as the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF). They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus by creating the Role-play theme called Lazarus Corporation, which is still used to this day. Imkiville also designed many pieces of artwork of flags for numerous regions. The dedication of their work across NationStates.

I made some miscellaneous edits. There are several unnecessary commas. R4 violation in red. The sentence about flag-making might need to be reworded; I'm having a hard time reading it as the action of a nation rather than the action of an individual. The final sentence (it's actually a sentence fragment but whatevs) could probably be struck.

I also feel like this clause covers a lot of fairly unrelated information, and could be split up into multiple clauses.

OBSERVING: Imkiville’s tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership in Lazarus after restoring the rightful government of the region of Lazarus. The nation of Imkiville successfully led a revolution against the illegitimate Lazarus government that was led by Funkadelia, Aleister, and Killer Kitty. Their careful guidance, dedication, and skillful leadership restored the region of Lazarus as we know it as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus, they continue faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and looking after the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

Miscellaneous edits again. The phrase "skillful leadership" is used twice, and I feel like you may want to change up you language to avoid sounding repetitive.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and leadership in NationStates roleplay, in both in character and out of character aspects, for off-site and on-site forums. Some other noticeable accomplishments of Imkiville are,

All the R4. The final sentence could be split into its own clause.

1. Lazarus Legislator (1/2018-4/2018)
2. Laz Guardian (3/2017-4/2018)
3. LazCorp Chief Executive Officer (4/2018-3/2019)
4. The South Pacific Legislator (6/2015-12/2017)
5. Honorary SPSF Officer (6/2015-12/2017)
6. TSP Local Councillor (8/2015-11/2015)
7. TSP Vice Delegate (12/2015-2/2016)
8. TSP Minister of Military Affairs (6/2016-10/2016)
9. Osi Sub-Vizier of Visual Design (5/2017-12/2017)
10. Balder Citizen (9/2018-17/2017)
11. Kingdom of Alexandria Subject of the Crown (2/2016-12/2016)
12. KoA Privy Councilor of Arts (2/2016-12/2016)

Some of these may deserve elaboration. Also, I don't see how being a citizen of Balder (or any region) is an accomplishment.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. If you want to know more, you can read more about Imkiville found here https://www.nationstates.net/page=dispatch/id=989877! This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

More R4 in red.

I don't know much about Imkiville, but I can't automatically dismiss them as a candidate for commendation, which is a good sign. As Praeceps said, this is a good start, but requires greater elaboration. I don't know what Kuriko told you on discord, but I would follow their advice and continue working on this.

[The Armed Crystal]

Commend Imkiville

RECOGNIZING:The nation of ‪Imkiville‬ for the following accomplishments. The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, and as the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF). They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus. Imkiville is also known for their creativity, and artistic abilities. They have shown them by designing many regional, and nations flags all across NationStates.


OBSERVING: Imkiville tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership after restoring the rightful government of the region of [region]‪Lazarus[/region]‬. The nation of Imkiville successfully led a revolution against the illegitimate government led by [nation]‪Funkadelia[/nation]‬, [nation]‪Aleister[/nation]‬, and [nation]‪Killer Kitty[/nation]‬. Their careful guidance, dedication, and skillful leadership restored the region of Lazarus as we know it as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of [region]‪Lazarus[/region]‬, they continue faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and leadership in NationStates roleplay, in both in character and out of character aspects, for off-site and on-site forums.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

[The Armed Crystal]

Commend Imkiville

The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING:The nation of ‪Imkiville‬ for many of their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

AWARE: The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, and as the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF). They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus. Imkiville is also known for their creativity, and artistic abilities. They have shown them by designing many regional, and nations flags all across NationStates.

ACKNOWLEDGING: The nation of Imkiville has served in many regions across NationStates. Their greatest achievement is stabilizing the region of Lazarus, and serving as World Assembly Delegate for 346 days.

OBSERVING: Imkiville tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership after restoring the rightful government of the region of Lazarus.

AWARE:Their careful guidance, dedication, and determination, they restored the region of Lazarus as we know it as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus‬, they continue faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and all their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

[Borovan entered the region as he]

Barnes says "Citing the terms roleplay is illegal against Security counsel rules and also in character and off site forums in your second last clause."

[The Armed Crystal]

Commend Imkiville

The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING:The nation of ‪Imkiville‬ for many of their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

AWARE: The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF), and as Vice Delegate of The South Pacific. They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus.

ACKNOWLEDGING: The nation of Imkiville has served in many regions across NationStates. Their greatest achievement is stabilizing the region of Lazarus, and serving as World Assembly Delegate for 346 days.

OBSERVING: Imkiville tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership after restoring the rightful government of the region of Lazarus.

AWARE:Their careful guidance, dedication, and determination, they restored the region of Lazarus as it known as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus‬, they continue faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and all their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

[Ransium]

Please edit the OP to have the latest draft unspoilered. You wouldn’t describe a nation as being artistic and creative in the context you do in this proposal, it’s clear your describing an individual. I also don’t like saying “we” in a proposal, the third person is best.

While you’re approaching legal, that’s not the same as good. I will warn you this needs a ton more work before you’ll have something that’ll actually pass, in my experience.

[East Meranopirus]

Commend Imkiville

The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING:The nation of ‪Imkiville‬ for many of their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

AWARE: The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF), and as Vice Delegate of The South Pacific. They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus.

ACKNOWLEDGING: The nation of Imkiville has served in many regions across NationStates. Their greatest achievement is stabilizing the region of Lazarus, and serving as World Assembly Delegate for 346 days.

OBSERVING: Imkiville tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership after restoring the rightful government of the region of Lazarus.

AWARE:Their careful guidance, dedication, and determination, they restored the region of Lazarus as it known as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus‬, they continue faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and all their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

So your proposal is basically listing a few positions they served in, and the rest is just meaningless praise.

In case you don't understand, let me show you a few specific examples. You wrote this: "They showed great, and skillful leadership". Well, what did they do to show leadership? Delegacy doesn't equate to great leadership.
Another example: "tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership". What were these efforts? And how did they create stability and order?

I'd suggest you either contact Imki personally, or someone with sufficient knowledge on this. Also, people usually ask the subject before they write a Security Council resolution, especially for a Commendation. Have you done so?

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

RECOGNIZING:The nation of ‪Imkiville‬ for many of their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

Okay, fairly generic introductory clause.

AWARE: The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF), and as Vice Delegate of The South Pacific. They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus.

Many other nations have served in high ranking roles and as regional Delegates. Nothing exceptional here, nothing Commend worthy.

ACKNOWLEDGING: The nation of Imkiville has served in many regions across NationStates. Their greatest achievement is stabilizing the region of Lazarus, and serving as World Assembly Delegate for 346 days.

Again other nations have served equally long or longer as a regional Delegate. Time served in the role is not of itself Commendable.

OBSERVING: Imkiville tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership after restoring the rightful government of the region of Lazarus.

Now you’re just repeating the first part of the previous clause.

AWARE:Their careful guidance, dedication, and determination, they restored the region of Lazarus as it known as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus‬, they continue faithfully guarding the freedom, the dreams, and the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

Again different words to say the same thing.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and all their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

So far you have done very little to clarify what those accomplishments are and why they are worthy of recognition by the SC.

OFFICIALLY: Praises the nation of Imkiville, and recognizes their achievements. This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

A simple “Hereby Commends Imkiville” would suffice - no points scored for over the top flourishes.

Overall you have failed to show any reason that makes the nominee deserving of a Commendation. You have written either generalities or about actions that could describe numerous nations.

And could you please put your latest version in the opening post and spoiler the rest. The present layout makes it difficult to see what actually is the latest version.

[Noble Titans]

Perhaps my colleagues I do have a draft I like to share with you. It’s been so sitting on my list for 2 years. I really need some help with writing ✍️ this!

The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING: The nation of ‪Imkiville‬ for many of their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

AWARE: The nation of Imkiville served as an honorary officer, the Minister of Military Affaires in The South Pacific Forces (SPSF), and as Vice Delegate of The South Pacific. They showed great, and skillful leadership, while serving as the World Assembly Delegate of the region of Lazarus.

ACKNOWLEDGING: The nation of Imkiville has served in many regions across NationStates. Their greatest achievement is stabilizing the region of Lazarus, and serving as World Assembly Delegate for 346 days.

OBSERVING:Imkiville’s tireless efforts in maintaining order, stability, and leadership after restoring the rightful government of the region of Lazarus.

AWARE: Their careful guidance, dedication, and determination, they restored the region of Lazarus as it known as today. While Imkiville is no longer the WA Delegate of Lazarus‬, they continue to faithfully guard the freedom, the dreams, and the welfare of the region, serving as the LazCorp Security Auditor.

VIEWING: Their knowledge, teaching, and all their accomplishments throughout NationStates.

OFFICIALLY: This SC proposal hereby Commends the nation of Imkiville!

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

As you are a different author to the OP you need to start your own thread for this draft rather than gravedig this one.

[Noble Titans]

Ok. I’m the same author, just using a different nation.