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[DRAFT] Ah ships, here we go again, BETA V4

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Greater Azekistan
Political Columnist
 
Posts: 5
Founded: Apr 26, 2019
Democratic Socialists

[DRAFT] Ah ships, here we go again, BETA V4

Postby Greater Azekistan » Thu Jul 11, 2019 2:25 pm

TITLE: Ah Ships, here we go again

DESC.After your intelligence department showed the existence of a heavily-used trade route between the nearby nation of Blackacre and the Holy Empire of Dàguó, the military made the controversial descision to stop a cargo ship along the route. A look in the hold revealed many nuclear missiles of Dàguónese origin, many with the capability to hit @@NAME@@. Worse, Blackacre has a history of hostility towards your country. It grants them a frightening amount of power, and who knows what they might do next...

CHOICE 1: "It's a serious threat to national security!" thunders your furious Defence minister. "We'll send our best ships to their little fleet and demand they turn back-or we'll show them with our OWN weapons!"
EFFECT: Legend has it that there used to be a nation called Daguo, somewhere on the map.

CHOICE 2: "Yeah, all well and good, just... that's a bit too extreme, isn't it? Can't we just put out a blockade and stop any ships from reaching the
target?" asks @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@. "That does the job, without an excessive loss of life."
EFFECT: The cargo ships stay outside the blockade as nations criticize the jailing of an entire country.

CHOICE 3: "The thing is, we don't know if they're going to use it against us or just keep it there to intimidate." remarks Kennedy Roberts, who happens to be your brother. "Maybe I can settle this diplomatically with Daguo's ambassador in @@CAPITAL@@, and ask for their government to be more transparent about this. Who knows, it might be a genuine threat to our country, and I don't want that."
EFFECT: Negotiations are as clear as mud.

CHOICE 4: "Or put international pressure on them." says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We can always call on our allies in @@REGION@@ to threaten them. Heck, maybe we can do that without putting any blame on ourselves!"
EFFECT: Daguo's leader is famous for his heavy purchases of earplugs.
Last edited by Greater Azekistan on Fri Jul 12, 2019 6:50 pm, edited 13 times in total.

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Australian rePublic
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Posts: 16456
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Anarchy

Postby Australian rePublic » Thu Jul 11, 2019 2:58 pm

Why should @@NAME@@ care about whether or not these ships carry weapons?
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Greater Azekistan
Political Columnist
 
Posts: 5
Founded: Apr 26, 2019
Democratic Socialists

Postby Greater Azekistan » Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:13 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Why should @@NAME@@ care about whether or not these ships carry weapons?

because if they're shipping them to the nearby nation, the nation can use them to attack @@NAME@@
Last edited by Greater Azekistan on Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Candensia
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Posts: 491
Founded: Apr 20, 2017
Father Knows Best State

Postby Candensia » Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:46 pm

It is assumed that the ships are heading towards a nearby country with a shipment of weapons. Worse, the country has a history of hostility to @@NAME@@.


And because we hate each-others guts, and have for a long time, we won't refer to them by name! To us, they're simply that country! :p

Anyway, I think the situation is presented a bit strangely. The fact that a neutral, yet adversarial nation, is trading with a long-time hostile neighbor is juicy. However, it's a bit odd that Daguo would sail their ships so close to @@NAME@@, and in a way so conspicuous, that they and their cargo could be identified with any degree of certainty. It's just a bit odd from a verisimilitude standpoint.

Wouldn't it be more plausible for intelligence services to have uncovered the fact that such trade has been occurring, rather than @@NAME@@ literally spotting them on the horizon? Just thoughts. ;)
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Australian rePublic
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Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Anarchy

Postby Australian rePublic » Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:50 pm

Oh, I get it, the nation they're shipping to is hostile against @@NAME@@. Now that makes sense. You need to make that clearer
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions.
This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
From Sydney, NSW. From Greek ancestry. Orthodox Christian
Why stylised as "rePublic"
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Please sign my petition to transport water across Australia (real life)
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Greater Azekistan
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Posts: 5
Founded: Apr 26, 2019
Democratic Socialists

Postby Greater Azekistan » Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:24 pm

did it, Candensia. edited

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Australian rePublic
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Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Anarchy

Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:11 am

My brother's name is not "Kenny Rogers"
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions.
This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
From Sydney, NSW. From Greek ancestry. Orthodox Christian
Why stylised as "rePublic"
15 Published Issues
Please sign my petition to transport water across Australia (real life)
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Hansdeltania
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Founded: May 17, 2014
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Hansdeltania » Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:19 am

Avoid using abbreviations in text where possible, because it simply doesn't look good. "Intelligence Department" looks more formal than "Intelligence Dept."

I'd avoid using "intelligence department" because it seems too specific. I'd go with "intelligence" or "security agency" because it's less exact.

However, if you're going to use "Intelligence Department", it should be lowercase because it might not specifically be the Intelligence Department.

IIRC, issues editors prefer avoiding forcing acronyms on issues.
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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 18922
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Capitalizt

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:56 am

DESC.After fishing trawlers reported smoke on the distant horizon, your Intelligence Dept. confirmed that large-scale trade has been occuring between the nearby nation of Kazha and Daguo. After a controversial stopping of one such ship, the main goods are suspected to be destructive weapons of Daguonese origin. Worse, Kazha has a history of hostility to @@NAME@@. Your Security Council has assembled to discuss this matter.


This opening description doesn't work very well for multiple reasons.

- Trawlers reporting unexpected smoke on the distant horizon would likely ask someone to investigate it. That person would not be Intelligence.

- There's no context for these trawlers, such as where they are or why the smoke is noteworthy. In fact, it's not even mentioned that the smoke IS noteworthy.

- Smoke on the horizon going to large scale trade occurring between two nations is a narrative non-sequitur. Are we meant to infer some sort of link between these two events?

- You've introduced two nation names without context. How is a player meant to make a judgement if he knows nothing of the character or context of Daguo or Kazha?

- What is a "destructive weapon" supposed to mean? As opposed to what? A non-destructive weapon?

- The last sentence is a redundancy. You normally don't need to tell us who has assembled to discuss an issue. That's what the options are for.

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Australian rePublic
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Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Anarchy

Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jul 12, 2019 6:28 am

I don't think you should introfuce a new country that noone's heard of. Maybe try Blackacre
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions.
This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
From Sydney, NSW. From Greek ancestry. Orthodox Christian
Why stylised as "rePublic"
15 Published Issues
Please sign my petition to transport water across Australia (real life)
Issue Ideas You Can Steal

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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 18922
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Capitalizt

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:19 am

To add to what Aussie said, even if you do use a nation that has previously turned up in another issue, you should always be aware that issues are not presented sequentially, so any given issue could be a player's first encounter with that nation.

That means that any time you use an NPC nation, it should be written in such a way that you could be encountering it for the first or hundredth time.

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Chan Island
Minister
 
Posts: 3331
Founded: Nov 26, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Chan Island » Wed Jul 17, 2019 1:21 am

The whole series of complaints could be overturned of course by being a bit less Call of Duty Modern Warfare on that description. Say, like this:

Clandestine security services have found compelling evidence that the Holy Empire of Dàguó is shipping nuclear weapons to the hostile nation of Blackacre along a well-known maritime trade route.


Cleans up the description, but still keeps the issue squarely ship based.
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