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(DRAFT) Commend Woonsocket

A chamber dedicated to the dissemination of inter-regional peace and goodwill, via force if necessary.
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Sargon Reman
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(DRAFT) Commend Woonsocket

Postby Sargon Reman » Wed May 01, 2019 7:35 am

The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING that since its formation fifteen years ago, the nation of Woonsocket has contributed overwhelmingly to the 10000 Islands through civil service and militarily to the international community as a long time member of the Ten Thousand Islands Treaty Organization (TITO),

ACKNOWLEDGING that Woonsocket served with distinction in the role of Chief Executive and Founder of the 10000 Islands for nearly three years where they oversaw sizable regional development and demonstrated competent diplomatic skill which allowed for the creation of several treaties with important allies, such as The Rejected Realms, and cemented alliances with the 10000 Islands around the world,

AWARE that the military contributions imputed to Woonsocket are voluminous and include being a highly decorated defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments,in this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander after serving as a TITO Tactical Officer for two years and have been decorated many times including with the Soldiers Medal, for dedication in military conduct, the Woonsocket Bronze Star, for Meritorious Service Medal, for consistent merited service, and the South America Defense Medal,

COGNIZANT that Woonsocket participated in 10 refound operations where founderless regions were restored once again to peace and tranquility, these include the refounding of USA, The Skeleton Army, Beyond the Sea, Australia, Natan Region, Animal House, Hogwarts, Urbanites, Greece and United States Congress,

PLEASED that Woonsocket deployed in support of operations in Feeders and Sinkers alike in the interest of maintaining lawful regional governments and protecting them from coups, among these are the Osiris Defense Medal for support of the region Osiris, The South Pacific Liberation Medal for assignment to The South Pacific during course of the Milograd coup in 2013 and the Lazarus Liberation Medal for their role in Lazarus during the coup of 2015,

OBSERVING that Woonsocket served an 11 month tenure as Minister of Immigration where they guided regional recruiting policy and oversaw a population increase to an all-time regional population record for user created regions on November 17, 2011 with 2,200 nations, including receiving 17 different immigration awards and various distinctions including the 10000 Islands Immigration Medal of Honor,

IMPRESSED that, according to 10000 Islands regional scholars, the government of Woonsocket has sent 133,173 manual recruitment telegrams as a regional recruiter while recruiting a grand total of 4,669 recruits to the 10000 Islands,

NOTING that Woonsocket was awarded the Legion of Merit for demonstrating an exemplary record of service to the Islands or the world and the Heart of the Islands trophy for nations who embody and exemplify goodwill,

FURTHER OBSERVING that while serving as Delegate for 6 months, Woonsocket, helped to set the standard for voting on every World Assembly proposal, something which is sought after by subsequent 10000 Islands Delegates to this day,

WISHING to celebrate and preserve this legacy for the international community and future generations,

HEREBY commends Woonsocket.
Last edited by Sargon Reman on Sun May 05, 2019 12:53 pm, edited 15 times in total.
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Eumaeus
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Postby Eumaeus » Wed May 01, 2019 8:48 am

Sargon Reman wrote:Commend Woonsocket

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this isn't part of the draft and is just a header. If it is part of the draft, it is redundant with the operative clause below. Also, while it is by no means required, most resolutions either start with the clause "The Security Council," or they specify in the operative clause that "The Security Council hereby commends..."
COGNIZANT that many nations often go unrecognized for their regional dedication and goodwill,

BELIEVING that these nations should be acknowledged and celebrated for their achievements to in both their native region and the international community,

RECOGNIZING that ,since its formation fifteen years ago, the nation of Woonsocket has contributed overwhelmingly to the 10000 Islands through civil service and militarily to the international community as a long time member of the Ten Thousand Islands Treaty Organization (TITO),

I feel like "since its formation fifteen years ago" is misplaced. I would place it directly before "the nation of Woonsrocket..."
ACKOWLEDGING that Woonsocket served with distinction in the role of Chief Executive and Founder of the 10000 Islands for nearly three years where their tenure caused sizable regional development and growth,

You forgot the N in acknowledging.
AWARE that the contributions imputed to Woonsocket are voluminous and include:

-Being a defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments. In this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander and have been decorated many times, including with

I feel like that could use rewording. Maybe add "highly decorated" before between "Being a" and "defender", then replacing the underlined section with "have been award multiple honors, including..." Then I would use list coding to list out the awards; I've included the bbcode you would need to use as well as what it would look like below:

-Being a highly decorated defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments. In this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander and have been award multiple honors, including the...
  • Soldiers Medal,
  • Woonsocket Bronze Star,
  • Meritorious Service Medal,
  • South America Defense Medal,
  • TITO 1500th Mission Medal,
  • TITO 2000th Mission Medal,
  • 10 Year Anniversary Empire of Power Medal,
  • TITO 2500th Mission Medal and the TITO 3000th Mission Medal.

Code: Select all
-Being a highly decorated defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments. In this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander and have been award multiple honors, including the...
[list][*]Soldiers Medal,
[*]Woonsocket Bronze Star,
[*]Meritorious Service Medal,
[*]South America Defense Medal,
[*]TITO 1500th Mission Medal,
[*]TITO 2000th Mission Medal,
[*]10 Year Anniversary Empire of Power Medal,
[*]TITO 2500th Mission Medal and the TITO 3000th Mission Medal.[/list]

Btw, is it "Soldiers Medal" or "Soldier's Medal"?
-Participating in 10 refound operations where founderless regions were once again restored to peace and tranquility. These operations include the refounding of USA, The Skeleton Army, Beyond the Sea, Australia, Natan Region, Animal House, Hogwarts, Urbanites, Greece and United States Congress.

Just a little switch in placement.
-Deploying in support of operations in Feeders and Sinkers alike in the interest of maintaining lawful regional governments and protecting them from coups. Among these are the Osiris Defense Medal for
support of the region Osiris which allowed the future of the region to be secure, The South Pacific Liberation Medal for assignment to The South Pacific during course of the Milograd coup in 2013 when more than 3,000 native nations were ejected from the region, and the Lazarus Liberation Medal for their role in Lazarus during the New Lazarene Order coup of 2015,
-Serving as a TITO Tactical Officer from January 2015 to August 2017,

I think you pressed enter by accident between "for" and "support" (or the formatting of that clause makes no sense), and forgot to double space between these two clauses. Also, you end these clauses with periods when you use commas in all the other clauses.
OBSERVING that the regional civil service attributed to Woonsocket includes:

-An 11 month tenure as Minister of Immigration where Woonsocket sat on the Council of Nine and guided regional recruiting policy where they oversaw a population increase to an all-time regional population record for user created regions on November 17, 2011 with 2,200 nations.
-Being awarded the Legion of Merit for demonstrating an exemplary record of service to the Islands or the world and the Heart of the Islands trophy for nations who embody and exemplify goodwill.
-Serving as Delegate for 6 months where Woonsocket helped to set the standard for voting on every World Assembly proposal, something which is sought after by subsequent 10000 Islands Delegates to this day.
-Receiving 17 different immigration awards and various distinctions including the 10000 Islands Immigration Medal of Honor and having The Woonsocket Saffron Lighthouse immigration award named in their honor.

Why is the -list above double spaced between items, but this one is only single spaced? There doesn't seem to be a difference in text length. Keeping in mind that this is a list, and therefore you can format it differently from the rest of the proposal, I would suggest using commas at the end of each item instead of periods, just to maintain consistency.
NOTING that Woonsocket has held various other roles such as Senator of New Republica South, where they were responsible for increasing political activity, and has held the position of Regional Reserve Chairman, where they provided groundbreaking incentives to nations wishing to join the 10000 Islands, which included their creation of an homesteading program,

IMPRESSED by the discovery of 10000 Islands regional scholars that the government of Woonsocket has sent 133,173 manual recruitment telegrams as a regional recruiter while recruiting a grand total of 4669 recruits to the 10000 Islands,

Why is the SC expressing an opinion about something that TITO scholars did in a proposal about Woonsocket? If you're citing a source the clause should read "IMPRESSED that, according to 10000 Islands regional scholars, the government of..."
WISHING to enscribe such a legacy for the study of posterity,

"Enscribe" isn't a word, and I don't think "inscribe" fits here either. Maybe "preserve"?
HEREBY commends Woonsocket.
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Nightkill
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Postby Nightkill » Wed May 01, 2019 9:11 am

I really couldn't have nitpicked this any better than the post above me, so good catches! Also, this is pretty well written otherwise Sargon and Woon is definitely deserving.
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Postby Aclion » Wed May 01, 2019 10:40 am

I would remove the TITO 1500th Mission Medal, TITO 2000th Mission Medal, 10 Year Anniversary Empire of Power Medal, TITO 2500th Mission Medal and the TITO 3000th Mission Medal as they don't reflect individual accomplishments so much as landmarks for the organisation. Instead i'd reference the three coast watcher eagles he's earned.
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Sargon Reman
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Postby Sargon Reman » Wed May 01, 2019 11:40 am

Alright thank you all, I will begin updating the draft according to the reccomendations. I can't believe I forgot the security council clause, lol.
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Sargon Reman
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Postby Sargon Reman » Wed May 01, 2019 11:58 am

Okay, I think I got everything.
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Bormiar
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Postby Bormiar » Wed May 01, 2019 1:20 pm

10KI was created in early 2003, around sixteen years ago.

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Ransium
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Postby Ransium » Wed May 01, 2019 4:31 pm

I would like to give this one a careful read for style. I will try to do so this weekend.

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Postby Wrapper » Wed May 01, 2019 5:03 pm

Bormiar wrote:10KI was created in early 2003, around sixteen years ago.

That clause refers to Woonsocket (founded in 2004, fifteen years ago), not 10KI.

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Postby Bormiar » Wed May 01, 2019 6:29 pm

Wrapper wrote:
Bormiar wrote:10KI was created in early 2003, around sixteen years ago.

That clause refers to Woonsocket (founded in 2004, fifteen years ago), not 10KI.

Ah that makes more sense in the clause, and the actually commendation.

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Postby Sargon Reman » Wed May 01, 2019 9:20 pm

Ransium wrote:I would like to give this one a careful read for style. I will try to do so this weekend.

Thank you, that would be much appreciated.
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Bhang Bhang Duc
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Thu May 02, 2019 12:39 pm

Looks pretty detailed on first read, maybe too detailed. You could possibly lose all the various medals awarded and replace with a more general description e.g. “awarded numerous service medals”.

Overall though a good draft proposal.

Edit. Sorry just realised that I’d been reading Eumaeus’ critique of your original draft, not the draft as it stands now. Scrub what I said - put it down to tiredness.
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Postby Sargon Reman » Thu May 02, 2019 1:43 pm

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:Looks pretty detailed on first read, maybe too detailed. You could possibly lose all the various medals awarded and replace with a more general description e.g. “awarded numerous service medals”.

Overall though a good draft proposal.

Edit. Sorry just realised that I’d been reading Eumaeus’ critique of your original draft, not the draft as it stands now. Scrub what I said - put it down to tiredness.

That's okay, I forgot to even put the Security Council clause in on the first draft and its not even my first time lol.
Thank you for your review :)
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Postby Sargon Reman » Fri May 03, 2019 7:44 am

I have added this clause:
FURTHER ACKNOWLEDGING the diplomatic skill demonstrated by Woonsocket as Chief Executive which allowed for the creation of several treaties with important allies, such as The Rejected Realms, and cemented alliances with the 10000 Islands around the world,
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Postby Ransium » Sun May 05, 2019 7:35 am

Sargon Reman wrote:COGNIZANT that many nations often go unrecognized for their regional dedication and goodwill,

BELIEVING that these nations should be acknowledged and celebrated for their achievements in both their native region and the international community,


The proposal is quite long currently. While there's a balancing act between being a wall of text nobody will read and being complete. I'd highly recommend cutting what can be cut without being to the detriment of the thoroughness of the proposal as a whole. To that ends, I'd cut both these to generic filler lines. They've been hashed and rehashed so many times before anyway.

RECOGNIZING that since its formation fifteen years ago, the nation of Woonsocket has contributed overwhelmingly to the 10000 Islands through civil service and militarily to the international community as a long time member of the Ten Thousand Islands Treaty Organization (TITO),


This is a way stronger way to start the proposal IMO anyway.

ACKNOWLEDGING that Woonsocket served with distinction in the role of Chief Executive and Founder of the 10000 Islands for nearly three years where their tenure caused sizable regional development and growth,


This followed by military accomplishments seems a bit back and forth to me. I would group all civil accomplishments and military accomplishments together.

AWARE that the contributions imputed to Woonsocket are voluminous and include:

Being a highly decorated defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments. In this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander and have been decorated many times including with the...
  • Soldiers Medal,
  • Woonsocket Bronze Star,
  • Meritorious Service Medal,
  • South America Defense Medal

-Participating in 10 refound operations where founderless regions were restored once again to peace and tranquility. These operations include the refounding of USA, The Skeleton Army, Beyond the Sea, Australia, Natan Region, Animal House, Hogwarts, Urbanites, Greece and United States Congress,
-Deploying in support of operations in Feeders and Sinkers alike in the interest of maintaining lawful regional governments and protecting them from coups. Among these are the Osiris Defense Medal for support of the region Osiris which allowed the future of the region to be secure, The South Pacific Liberation Medal for assignment to The South Pacific during course of the Milograd coup in 2013 when more than 3,000 native nations were ejected from the region, and the Lazarus Liberation Medal for their role in Lazarus during the New Lazarene Order coup of 2015,
-Serving as a TITO Tactical Officer from January 2015 to August 2017,


The combination of using the actual list and the '-' looks not at all good to me. I would put everything in a single list and have the medals be a sublist. "including with the..." is awkward grammatically. I would just say "including:" At the very least swap out the ellipses, which should never appear in a WA propsal. Given the length of the proposal, I might just write the awards out in a comma-separated sentence rather than using whole lines to list them. I might also reduce the details related to each coup.

OBSERVING that the regional civil service attributed to Woonsocket includes:

-An 11 month tenure as Minister of Immigration where Woonsocket sat on the Council of Nine and guided regional recruiting policy where they oversaw a population increase to an all-time regional population record for user created regions on November 17, 2011 with 2,200 nations,
-Being awarded the Legion of Merit for demonstrating an exemplary record of service to the Islands or the world and the Heart of the Islands trophy for nations who embody and exemplify goodwill,
-Serving as Delegate for 6 months where Woonsocket helped to set the standard for voting on every World Assembly proposal, something which is sought after by subsequent 10000 Islands Delegates to this day,
-Receiving 17 different immigration awards and various distinctions including the 10000 Islands Immigration Medal of Honor and having The Woonsocket Saffron Lighthouse immigration award named in their honor,

FURTHER ACKNOWLEDGING the diplomatic skill demonstrated by Woonsocket as Chief Executive which allowed for the creation of several treaties with important allies, such as The Rejected Realms, and cemented alliances with the 10000 Islands around the world,

NOTING that Woonsocket has held various other roles such as Senator of New Republica South where they were responsible for increasing political activity and has held the position of Regional Reserve Chairman where they provided groundbreaking incentives to nations wishing to join the 10000 Islands, which included their creation of an homesteading program,


I think I would combine the minister of immigration stuff/imigration award with the next line about the number of recruits he's gotten. So the proposal might be structured: executive level TITO achievements, military achievements, and recruitment achievements. Again the '-' fake list things looks really ugly IMO, I would highly suggest you use the list function instead. Alternatively, being so reliant on lists feels a tiny bit lazy, as ideally a proposal creates a narrative rather than just a bullet point of what they've done. I might try to break up the civil achievements into three major clauses and describe them in each clause without using a list.

IMPRESSED that, according to 10000 Islands regional scholars, the government of Woonsocket has sent 133,173 manual recruitment telegrams as a regional recruiter while recruiting a grand total of 4,669 recruits to the 10000 Islands,

WISHING to preserve such a legacy for the study of posterity,

HEREBY commends Woonsocket.


I find the wishing line to be a bit weak myself, but personal preference may vary. Overall I would focus on reducing length a bit while preserving the content .

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Postby Sargon Reman » Sun May 05, 2019 8:21 am

Alright, thank you. I will begin the revisions today.
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Postby Sargon Reman » Sun May 05, 2019 12:54 pm

Updated. I will add the nation and region tags later.
Last edited by Sargon Reman on Sun May 05, 2019 1:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sargon Reman » Wed May 08, 2019 9:38 am

Are there any other suggested amendments?
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Postby Ransium » Wed May 08, 2019 1:20 pm

Sargon Reman wrote:Are there any other suggested amendments?


I can try to give it another read this weekend.

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Postby Sargon Reman » Thu May 09, 2019 7:06 am

Ransium wrote:
Sargon Reman wrote:Are there any other suggested amendments?


I can try to give it another read this weekend.

I encourage you to do so. It would be much appreciated.
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Postby Ransium » Sun May 12, 2019 9:28 am

Yeah, I think it looks pretty good now. Might want to bring in a pendant for a nuts and bolts grammatical/clarity in writing read through but I think it's much better than the previous version.

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Postby Sargon Reman » Sun May 12, 2019 11:29 am

Ransium wrote:Yeah, I think it looks pretty good now. Might want to bring in a pendant for a nuts and bolts grammatical/clarity in writing read through but I think it's much better than the previous version.
Alright, thank you for reviewing it. I figured there is still some grammar problems. I will take steps to address them.
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Postby Republica JIM » Mon May 13, 2019 4:55 pm

Sargon Reman wrote:The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING that since its formation fifteen years ago, the nation of Woonsocket has contributed overwhelmingly to the 10000 Islands through civil service and militarily to the international community as a long time member of the Ten Thousand Islands Treaty Organization (TITO),

ACKNOWLEDGING that Woonsocket served with distinction in the role of Chief Executive and Founder of the 10000 Islands for nearly three years where they oversaw sizable regional development and demonstrated competent diplomatic skill which allowed for the creation of several treaties with important allies, such as The Rejected Realms, and cemented alliances with the 10000 Islands around the world,

AWARE that the military contributions imputed to Woonsocket are voluminous and include being a highly decorated defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments,in this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander after serving as a TITO Tactical Officer for two years and have been decorated many times including with the Soldiers Medal, for dedication in military conduct, the Woonsocket Bronze Star, for Meritorious Service Medal, for consistent merited service, and the South America Defense Medal,

COGNIZANT that Woonsocket participated in 10 refound operations where founderless regions were restored once again to peace and tranquility, these include the refounding of USA, The Skeleton Army, Beyond the Sea, Australia, Natan Region, Animal House, Hogwarts, Urbanites, Greece and United States Congress,

PLEASED that Woonsocket deployed in support of operations in Feeders and Sinkers alike in the interest of maintaining lawful regional governments and protecting them from coups, among these are the Osiris Defense Medal for support of the region Osiris, The South Pacific Liberation Medal for assignment to The South Pacific during course of the Milograd coup in 2013 and the Lazarus Liberation Medal for their role in Lazarus during the coup of 2015,

OBSERVING that Woonsocket served an 11 month tenure as Minister of Immigration where they guided regional recruiting policy and oversaw a population increase to an all-time regional population record for user created regions on November 17, 2011 with 2,200 nations, including receiving 17 different immigration awards and various distinctions including the 10000 Islands Immigration Medal of Honor,

IMPRESSED that, according to 10000 Islands regional scholars, the government of Woonsocket has sent 133,173 manual recruitment telegrams as a regional recruiter while recruiting a grand total of 4,669 recruits to the 10000 Islands,

NOTING that Woonsocket was awarded the Legion of Merit for demonstrating an exemplary record of service to the Islands or the world and the Heart of the Islands trophy for nations who embody and exemplify goodwill,

FURTHER OBSERVING that while serving as Delegate for 6 months, Woonsocket, helped to set the standard for voting on every World Assembly proposal, something which is sought after by subsequent 10000 Islands Delegates to this day,

WISHING to celebrate and preserve this legacy for the international community and future generations,

HEREBY commends Woonsocket.

Good

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Postby Sargon Reman » Fri May 17, 2019 9:57 am

I'm going to spend the next couple of days correcting some grammar errors and then I will submit it soon after that.
If anyone has some final input please say so. :)
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Eumaeus
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Postby Eumaeus » Fri May 17, 2019 10:42 am

I have a few grammar related comments of varying importance:
Sargon Reman wrote:The Security Council,

RECOGNIZING that since its formation fifteen years ago, the nation of Woonsocket has contributed overwhelmingly to the 10000 Islands through civil service and to the international community through military service as a long time member of the Ten Thousand Islands Treaty Organization (TITO),

When listing ideas it is best to keep the phrasing consistent between each item, even if there are only two items. Hence, "contributed to ___ through ___..."
ACKNOWLEDGING that Woonsocket served with distinction in the role of Chief Executive and Founder of the 10000 Islands for nearly three years where they oversaw sizable regional development and demonstrated competent diplomatic skill which allowed for the creation of several treaties with important allies, such as The Rejected Realms, and cemented the alliances of the 10000 Islands with regions around the world,

That last fragment was kind of awkwardly phrased.
AWARE that the military contributions imputed to Woonsocket are voluminous and include being a highly decorated defender in TITO for nearly a decade and having completed over 430 deployments; in this capacity they have been given the rank of TITO Knight Fleet Commander after serving as a TITO Tactical Officer for two years and have been decorated many times including with the Soldiers Medal, for dedication in military conduct, the Woonsocket Bronze Star, the Meritorious Service Medal, for consistent merited service, and the South America Defense Medal,

Something wonky is going with that "deployments,in". I think a semicolon would fit well there. You put a "for" when I think you meant "the". There's also a space after that last comma.
COGNIZANT that Woonsocket participated in 10 refound operations, in which founderless regions were restored once again to peace and tranquility, including the refounding of USA, The Skeleton Army, Beyond the Sea, Australia, Natan Region, Animal House, Hogwarts, Urbanites, Greece, and United States Congress,

I did some basic edits. Your lack of an oxford comma disturbs me. Also, it wouldn't hurt to ad region tags here.
PLEASED that Woonsocket deployed in support of operations in Feeders and Sinkers alike in the interest of maintaining lawful regional governments and protecting them from coups, including deployment to Osiris, for which they were awarded the Osiris Defense Medal, to The South Pacific during the Milograd coup in 2013, for which they were awarded The South Pacific Liberation Medal, and to Lazarus during the coup of 2015, for which they were awarded the Lazarus Liberation Medal,

This clause is kind of awkward because the second half of it is a list of awards as opposed to a list of deployments as implied by the first half.
OBSERVING that Woonsocket served an 11 month tenure as Minister of Immigration in the 10000 Islands, during which they guided regional recruiting policy and oversaw a population increase to an all-time regional population record for user created regions on November 17, 2011 with 2,200 nations, including receiving 17 different immigration awards and various distinctions including the 10000 Islands Immigration Medal of Honor,

IMPRESSED that, according to 10000 Islands regional scholars, the government of Woonsocket has sent 133,173 manual recruitment telegrams as a regional recruiter while recruiting a grand total of 4,669 recruits to the 10000 Islands,

NOTING that Woonsocket was awarded the Legion of Merit for demonstrating an exemplary record of service to the Islands or the world and the Heart of the Islands trophy for nations who embody and exemplify goodwill,

FURTHER OBSERVING that while serving as Delegate for 6 months, Woonsocket helped to set the standard for voting on every World Assembly proposal, something which is sought after by subsequent 10000 Islands Delegates to this day,

There is an unnecessary comma.
WISHING to celebrate and preserve this legacy for the international community and future generations,

HEREBY commends Woonsocket.
Raiding HistorySecurity CouncilDear NativesTWP Raid

"You ask my honorable name? My name is Nohbdy:
mother, father, and friends, everyone calls me Nohbdy."


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