[ACCEPTED] A Timely Intervention

[The New California Republic]

I have been sitting on this idea for quite a while now, but I have finally decided to put pen to paper.

This is my first ever attempt at drafting an issue, but I thought I should try to give a little back to NationStates after all this time.

OK, I'll stop with the time references...

TITLE:
A Timely Intervention

VALIDITY:
All

DESCRIPTION:
@@LEADER@@ and their cabinet are on a tour of the nearby @@NAME@@ Watch Factory, famous throughout all of @@REGION@@. The poor state of the factory—and its declining sales figures carelessly left on a desk—are clear for all to see. The cabinet decides to offer some opportune solutions to the management regarding the problem.

[option]“The issue here is competition from emerging technology” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest iPear models. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? There may be some slight issues with weight and radiation, but the government can relax some outdated consumer laws that stymy innovation.”
[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches list strained wrists and sudden hair loss as common side effects

[option]“The solution is back in time, not forwards” muses your Minister of Culture @RANDOMNAME@@. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, to cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual @@REGION@@ Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive; but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
[effect]the well-to-do in @@REGION@@ are never on time for important appointments

[option]“Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work” bemoans your Minister of Labor @@RANDOMNAME@@. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructible watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. Generous government subsidies will be needed to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of @@REGION@@ will thank you.”
[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact

[option]“The hour is at hand! This is the time of Violet!” shouts Violetist priest @@RANDOMNAME@@ through an open window. “The time spent watching these evil little machinations should be better spent in praise of the almighty Violet! We must rid ourselves of this factory of evil and burn all its offspring; wherever it hides in our land! Violet demands that we cast the evil out! The government must ban and destroy every horological horror in our land!” The priest tries to light a match but is dragged away by your bodyguards.
[effect]citizens pray for sunshine so that they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping
[option validity] Violetism allowed

TITLE:
A Timely Intervention

VALIDITY:
All

DESCRIPTION:
@@LEADER@@ and their cabinet are on a tour of the nearby @@NAME@@ Watch Factory, famous throughout all of @@REGION@@. The poor state of the factory—and its declining sales figures carelessly left on a desk—are clear for all to see. The cabinet decides to offer some opportune solutions to the management regarding the problem.

[option]“The issue here is competition from emerging technology” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest iPear models. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? There may be some slight issues with weight and radiation, but the government can relax some outdated consumer laws that stymy innovation.”
[effect]Sudden hair loss and strained wrists are common when wearing a watch from @@NAME@@.

[option]“The solution is back in time, not forwards” muses your Minister of Culture @RANDOMNAME@@. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, to cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual @@REGION@@ Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive; but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
[effect]The well-to-do in @@REGION@@ are never on time for important appointments.

[option]“Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work” bemoans your Minister of Labor @@RANDOMNAME@@. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructable watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. Generous government subsidies will be needed to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of @@REGION@@ will thank you.”
[effect]Watches from @@NAME@@ are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact.

[option]“The hour is at hand! This is the time of Violet!” shouts Violetist priest @@RANDOMNAME@@ through an open window. “The time spent watching these evil little machinations should be better spent in praise of the almighty Violet! We must rid ourselves of this factory of evil and burn all its offspring; wherever it hides in our land! Violet demands that we cast the evil out! The government must ban and destroy every horological horror in our land!” The priest tries to light a match but is dragged away by your bodyguards.
[effect]Citizens of @@NAME@@ pray for sunshine so that they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping.

TITLE:
A Timely Intervention

VALIDITY:
All

DESCRIPTION:
@@LEADER@@ and their cabinet are on a tour of the nearby @@NAME@@ Watch Factory, famous throughout all of @@REGION@@. The poor state of the factory—and its declining sales figures carelessly left on a desk—are clear for all to see. The cabinet decides to offer some opportune solutions to the management regarding the problem.

[option]“The issue here is competition from emerging technology” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest iPear models. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? There may be some slight issues with weight and radiation, but I’m sure that the consumer will be willing to make some sacrifices.”
[effect]Sudden hair loss and strained wrists are common when wearing a watch from @@NAME@@.

[option]“The solution is back in time, not forwards” muses your Minister of Culture @RANDOMNAME@@. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, to cater to the luxury watch market. Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive; but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
[effect]The well-to-do in @@REGION@@ are never on time for important appointments.

[option]“Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work” bemoans your Minister of Labor @@RANDOMNAME@@. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and hardy watches, to equip workers with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. Cut out the frills to cater to a larger market, and mine more metals to make the indestructable watch cases, and our workers will thank you.”
[effect]Watches from @@NAME@@ are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact.

[option]“The hour is at hand! This is the time of Violet!” shouts Violetist priest @@RANDOMNAME@@ through an open window. “The time spent watching these evil little machinations should be better spent in praise of the almighty Violet! We must rid ourselves of this factory of evil and burn all its offspring; wherever it hides in our land! Violet demands that we cast the evil out! Ban and destroy every timekeeping device in our land!” The priest tries to light a match but is dragged away by your bodyguards.
[effect]Citizens of @@NAME@@ pray for sunshine so that they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping.

TITLE:
Quis Custodiet Horologium Fabri?

VALIDITY:
All.

DESCRIPTION:
@@LEADER@@ and their cabinet are on a tour of the nearby @@NAME@@ Watch Factory. The poor state of the factory—and its declining sales figures carelessly left on a desk—are clear for all to see. The cabinet decides to offer some timely solutions to the management regarding the problem.

[option]“Clearly the issue here is the competition from emerging technology” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology @@RANDOMNAME@@. “These watches are outdated and can’t compete with the latest iPear models. We need a…shall we say…nuclear option to even the playing field. Atomic clocks are accurate to a trillionth of a second in a trillion years, so what if we started producing atomic watches? The @@NAME@@ Watch Factory would be ticking over nicely once again! There might be some slight issues with weight and radiation, but I’m sure that the consumer will make some sacrifices for the most accurate watch ever made.”
[effect]Sudden hair loss and strained wrists are common when wearing a watch from @@NAME@@

[option]“The solution is back in time, not forwards” muses your Minister of Culture @RANDOMNAME@@. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They are self-winding, with 27 rubies throughout the platinum movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! And precious metals! The @@NAME@@ Watch Factory needs to go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, to cater to the local and international luxury watch market. Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be prohibitively expensive for some; but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
[effect]The well-to-do in @@NAME@@ are never on time for important appointments.

[option]“Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day's work” bemoans your Minister of Labor @@RANDOMNAME@@. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle then it shouldn’t have even been made in the first place. The @@NAME@@ Watch Factory needs to focus on the mass production of cheap and hardy watches, to equip workers with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. We might need to skimp a bit on the frills in order to cater to such a large market, and mine more metals to make the indestructable watch cases, but our workers will thank you.”
[effect]Watches from @@NAME@@ are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact.

[option]“These foul machinations are a perverse diversion from our divine purpose!” shouts Violetist priest @@RANDOMNAME@@ through an open window. “All the time spent watching these evil little monstrosities should be better spent in praise of the almighty Violet! We need to rid ourselves of this factory of evil and burn all its offspring and all its ilk; wherever it hides in our land! The hour is at hand! This is the time of Violet! Violet demands that action be taken to cast the evil out! We must ban and destroy every timekeeping device in our land!” The priest tries to light a match but is dragged away by your bodyguards.
[effect]Citizens of @@NAME@@ pray for sunshine so that they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Welcome!

There's some solid writing here, but you may want to wind back the wordiness a bit in the options. Maybe try and shorten each by a third.

Premise-wise, the failing fortunes of a watch factory don't sound terribly notable, but this could be justified by making the watches nationally significant in some way, like saying that the nation has always had a reputation for high quality timepieces.

However, the biggest problem here is in joke overlap. There's already an issue called Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?, which plays on the phrase in a different way, asking about police body cameras. I personally don't think you can have two issue titles that are so similar, or which are making a pun around the same Latin phrase.

Fortunately there's lots of other watch puns you could make. Bear in mind though we've also used An Expensive Watch and Someone to Watch Over Me as issue titles.

A good one here might be "And Now Our Watch Has Ended", though you'd need to rejig it so that the factory has just closed rather than being at threat of closing.

Generally though, this is a great first-timer draft. Whether or not this issue makes it into the game, I have no doubt you'll be a published author in no time at all. Some folk can write, some can't. You can.

[The New California Republic]

Welcome!

There's some solid writing here, but you may want to wind back the wordiness a bit in the options. Maybe try and shorten each by a third.

Premise-wise, the failing fortunes of a watch factory don't sound terribly notable, but this could be justified by making the watches nationally significant in some way, like saying that the nation has always had a reputation for high quality timepieces.

However, the biggest problem here is in joke overlap. There's already an issue called Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?, which plays on the phrase in a different way, asking about police body cameras. I personally don't think you can have two issue titles that are so similar, or which are making a pun around the same Latin phrase.

Fortunately there's lots of other watch puns you could make. Bear in mind though we've also used An Expensive Watch and Someone to Watch Over Me as issue titles.

A good one here might be "And Now Our Watch Has Ended", though you'd need to rejig it so that the factory has just closed rather than being at threat of closing.

Generally though, this is a great first-timer draft. Whether or not this issue makes it into the game, I have no doubt you'll be a published author in no time at all. Some folk can write, some can't. You can.

Thanks Candlewhisper. Yes I remember that issue with the similar title now. The subconscious memory of it must have been there when I was thinking of a title. I'll try to think of a new one by exploring some of the language around watchmaking.

In terms of the premise, I suppose I could just put "internationally renowned" or "award winning" in front of the name of the factory, to give its failing fortunes a little bit more urgency. Or I could say that it was the first watch factory in the nation etc. I'll have a think.

I'll do some tweaking to the draft and post a new one here soon. Thanks.

[Bears Armed]

Choice of title influenced by the original career plan of Jon 'Dr Manhattan' Osterman?

[The New California Republic]

Choice of title influenced by the original career plan of Jon 'Dr Manhattan' Osterman?

Perhaps ever so slightly, yes.

[Jutsa]

Oh, nice to see you taking an interest in GI, New California Republic! Another bear nation to join us, I see.

I'm afraid I've not the time (ha get it time) to look at this, but I'll try to come pop on by later.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

A physicist named Dr. Osterman should definitely be the speaker in at least one option.

When you do give this draft another go, do it in this thread, changing the first post so the original draft is behind a spoiler block and posting the new version above it.

[The New California Republic]

Draft 2 is now up. List of main changes: removed some words and restructured the sentences of the options to reduce verboseness. Changed title to avoid overlap with other issue titles (the new title doesn't seem to be too similar to other issue titles). Changed the name of the Minister of Science and Technology to Dr. Osterman. Added another watch pun in the first option. Changed description slightly to add more gravitas to the situation.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback so far.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

The concept is sound, but the options read like approaches you'd take if you were the director of the factory, not the leader of the nation the factory is in. I think maybe think about it more in terms of governmental actions, rather than in how a company might behave differently.

[Australian rePublic]

But modern watches don't have these problems

[The New California Republic]

Draft 3 is now up. List of main changes: Added government actions in options 1 to 3, and made government actions clearer in option 4. Some slight wording changes in option 4.

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback so far.

---

But modern watches don't have these problems

What problems do you mean specifically?

[Window Land]

Draft 3 is now up. List of main changes: Added government actions in options 1 to 3, and made government actions clearer in option 4. Some slight wording changes in option 4.

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback so far.

---

But modern watches don't have these problems

What problems do you mean specifically?

Atomic clocks are not radioactive. They work by measuring the frequency of atoms when they change energy states. If your atomic clock is radioactive, you're doing it wrong.

[The New California Republic]

Atomic clocks are not radioactive. They work by measuring the frequency of atoms when they change energy states. If your atomic clock is radioactive, you're doing it wrong.

I'm aware that they aren't actually radioactive IRL. It is meant to be a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor. The implication is that they might be atomic powered in some way as well.

[Hediacrana]

Hi NCR! Nice to see you in GI!

This whole issue brings to mind the story of Swatch -- a Swiss company founded in response to (quoting Wikipedia here) 'the "quartz crisis" of the 1970s and 1980s, in which Asian-made digital watches were competing against traditional European-made mechanical watches.' The decision made in the end was to create watches that were eye-catching because of their bright, colourful, trendy designs, but of inferior quality, being mostly made of cheap plastic, and they tended to break down soon (personal experience, back in the 90s ). Quite a different approach to the high tech/atomic, the expensive jewel and the durable proletarian solutions you present here. Maybe an idea for an extra option?

[The Free Joy State]

Welcome to GI, NCR.

There's some excellent writing here.

For the validities, regarding the last option, it's worth saying that not every country allows Violetism

You could also trim @@NAME@@ from all the effect lines by making them slightly snappier, like so:

Sudden hair loss and strained wrists are common when wearing a watch from @@NAME@@

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches list strained wrists and sudden hair loss as common side effects

(Worth saying -- for future reference -- that this how effect lines are formatted in submission, no capital and no period).

Watches from @@NAME@@ are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact.

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact

Citizens of @@NAME@@ pray for sunshine so that they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping.

citizens pray for sunshine so they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping

They're good effect lines, though.

[The New California Republic]

Hi NCR! Nice to see you in GI!

This whole issue brings to mind the story of Swatch -- a Swiss company founded in response to (quoting Wikipedia here) 'the "quartz crisis" of the 1970s and 1980s, in which Asian-made digital watches were competing against traditional European-made mechanical watches.' The decision made in the end was to create watches that were eye-catching because of their bright, colourful, trendy designs, but of inferior quality, being mostly made of cheap plastic, and they tended to break down soon (personal experience, back in the 90s ). Quite a different approach to the high tech/atomic, the expensive jewel and the durable proletarian solutions you present here. Maybe an idea for an extra option?

Absolutely, the quartz crisis was actually one of the inspirations for this issue . I considered making an option that more overtly references it, but I felt that the issue in its entirety acts as a reference to it. In fact, option 3 was inspired by the Swiss drive to cater to a larger market for survival, but I changed the details slightly before drafting here, in order to create an option that might appeal to more leftist playstyles. Option 2 also has a bit of a reference to it, with the "Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular" line, and the fact that the Swiss mechanical watches still being produced are more designed for the luxury watch market, rather than mass consumption.

---

Welcome to GI, NCR.

There's some excellent writing here.

For the validities, regarding the last option, it's worth saying that not every country allows Violetism

You could also trim @@NAME@@ from all the effect lines by making them slightly snappier, like so:

Sudden hair loss and strained wrists are common when wearing a watch from @@NAME@@

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches list strained wrists and sudden hair loss as common side effects

(Worth saying -- for future reference -- that this how effect lines are formatted in submission, no capital and no period).

Watches from @@NAME@@ are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact.

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact

Citizens of @@NAME@@ pray for sunshine so that they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping.

citizens pray for sunshine so they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping

They're good effect lines, though.

Thanks for the feedback! I will incorporate it in the next draft, which will be up in the next few days.

One question though regarding the validity. What precisely would I put in the validity line if the issue wouldn't apply to nations that do not allow Violetism?

[The Free Joy State]

Welcome to GI, NCR.

There's some excellent writing here.

For the validities, regarding the last option, it's worth saying that not every country allows Violetism

You could also trim @@NAME@@ from all the effect lines by making them slightly snappier, like so:

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches list strained wrists and sudden hair loss as common side effects

(Worth saying -- for future reference -- that this how effect lines are formatted in submission, no capital and no period).

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ watches are often the only thing to survive a disaster intact

citizens pray for sunshine so they can use illicit sundials for timekeeping

They're good effect lines, though.

Thanks for the feedback! I will incorporate it in the next draft, which will be up in the next few days.

One question though regarding the validity. What precisely would I put in the validity line if the issue wouldn't apply to nations that do not allow Violetism?

You don't have to lock-out the whole issue, if you have an idea for a doppelganger option #4, so that nations that don't allow Violetists will have a similar option (or -- if you don't think that the option is needed for the story to work -- you could choose to put a validity on the option and have no doppelganger).

If you choose restrict the validity of the whole issue, under Validity, just put something like "Violetism allowed"

If you choose either of the other two options, add under the option:
[option validity]: Violetism allowed (and -- for the/any doppelganger -- "[option validity] Violetism not allowed" and/or "Violetism banned")

There's no specific wording you need around validities. If the intent is clear, we'll work it out.

[The New California Republic]

Thanks for the feedback! I will incorporate it in the next draft, which will be up in the next few days.

One question though regarding the validity. What precisely would I put in the validity line if the issue wouldn't apply to nations that do not allow Violetism?

You don't have to lock-out the whole issue, if you have an idea for a doppelganger option #4, so that nations that don't allow Violetists will have a similar option (or -- if you don't think that the option is needed for the story to work -- you could choose to put a validity on the option and have no doppelganger).

If you choose restrict the validity of the whole issue, under Validity, just put something like "Violetism allowed"

If you choose either of the other two options, add under the option:
[option validity]: Violetism allowed (and -- for the/any doppelganger -- "[option validity] Violetism not allowed" and/or "Violetism banned")

There's no specific wording you need around validities. If the intent is clear, we'll work it out.

Thanks again. After reading the draft over again, I feel that the issue is just as effective if option 4 was left out for nations where Violetism is banned. Option 4 already kind of reads like an addition to the story, so it's loss for non-valid nations probably wouldn't warrant the need for a doppelganger. The three remaining options for such nations would still give quite a wide range of choice.

[The New California Republic]

Draft 4 is now up. List of main changes: Clarified validity of option 4, formatting fixes of effect lines, slight wording changes to effect lines 1 and 3 to incorporate demonym adjectives.

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback that has got it to this point.

[Australian rePublic]

Option 2- isn't that heavier than the clocks proposed in option 1?

[The New California Republic]

Option 2- isn't that heavier than the clocks proposed in option 1?

What do you mean?

Option 2 talks about watches with jewels in them, while option 1 talks about atomic watches. Do you mean that watches with jewels in them are heavier than a conceptual atomic watch? If so, I can tell you unequivocally that watches with jewels in them are very light. For example, I own a watch with 31 jewels in the movement, and you hardly notice that you are wearing it.

[Australian rePublic]

Option 2- isn't that heavier than the clocks proposed in option 1?

What do you mean?

Option 2 talks about watches with jewels in them, while option 1 talks about atomic watches. Do you mean that watches with jewels in them are heavier than a conceptual atomic watch? If so, I can tell you unequivocally that watches with jewels in them are very light. For example, I own a watch with 31 jewels in the movement, and you hardly notice that you are wearing it.

Hmmm... well most people wouldn't know that. Maybe clarify

[The New California Republic]

What do you mean?

Option 2 talks about watches with jewels in them, while option 1 talks about atomic watches. Do you mean that watches with jewels in them are heavier than a conceptual atomic watch? If so, I can tell you unequivocally that watches with jewels in them are very light. For example, I own a watch with 31 jewels in the movement, and you hardly notice that you are wearing it.

Hmmm... well most people wouldn't know that. Maybe clarify

I'll leave it as it is, I can't start handholding the readers through that stuff without butchering the draft in the process. Judging by the feedback so far, it seems that enough people know what I'm talking about. And regardless, deep understanding of the technical details of mechanical watches isn't really required in choosing a specific option.

It is also implied by the way that the Minister in option 2 is talking about them that even he/she doesn't really know what the jewels are for.

[The New California Republic]

I am planning on submitting this within the next few days, as I now feel it is as good as it is going to get; barring any more suggestions or corrections. Last call!

[The New California Republic]

I have now submitted this proposed issue. Thanks very much for the feedback that everyone provided, as it helped to make the final submitted version much more well-rounded and polished than the original versions. Fingers crossed that it gets accepted.