[SUBMITTED] Shopping in Tonight?

by **Devil Heart** » Tue Jan 29, 2019 9:48 pm

[Title] Shopping in Tonight?

‘Easy Gratifications?’ has a new title – ‘Shopping in Tonight?’
‘Easy Gratifications?’ is in ‘First Draft’ spoiler below.

[Validity] Nations with an economy and technology.

[Draft 5]

[Description]
When the online mini shop Happydumps delivered a broken jar of honey to your office instead of the balloons you ordered for a party you’re attending today, a call to a favourite local party goods boutique found it closed, unable to compete with the big online traders. A meeting is called to find a solution.

[Option] “@@LEADER@@, here is how we can un-stick the doors to my balloon boutique and other local businesses. The government must launch a media campaign including ‘feet on the pavement’ street fairs, reminding @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ of the friendly, personalised services local shopping delivers” advises the ex-proprietor and balloon enthusiast Mr Robinson whilst flying a balloon sporting a baby pig motif.
[effect] every shopping strip includes a government funded merry-go-round and a dust eddy

[Option] “Online shopping is the way forward @@LEADER@@, and we can ensure better online shopping experiences for all of @@NATION@@” hums the public relations arm of the online shopping goliath Hive It All. “Our organization will assist smaller online shopping businesses market their products successfully, for a ‘small’ fee of course.”
[effect] branding obscurity is the hidden cost internet trading behemoths demand from small business entrepreneurs

[Option] “The hard working people of @@NATION@@ are its economy, culture and history,” declares enigmatic artist and social media activist Sol Wayway, smashing a thousand year old factory produced @@DEMONYM@@ honey jar. “Disregard them, and our nation fragments. Government planned urbanization providing infrastructure in welfare, transportation and education will drive an economically productive transition from the old ways of doing commerce into new worldwide cyber marketing opportunities.”
[effect] new Brutalist superstructures housing cooperative internet business ventures replace idiosyncratic market streetscapes

[Option] “Listen, industry is dirty, money ain’t cool, and the internet is for lonely losers. Let’s give it all away people and make commerce into the real deal again. I’ll trade you my hive for your piglet down at the town common” dreamily muses the girl with flowers in her hair.
[effect] bees and weedy flowers thrive where industry once stood

[Title] Easy Gratifications?

[Validity] Nations with an economy and technology.

[Description] Upon opening a box labelled ‘Hope Filled Chocolates’ recently purchased from the online ‘Easy Gratifications’ grocery shopping chain, your secretary finds himself tempted by the tiny, enticing packages arranged within. Which one will bring him the best moment of solace from his pressured schedule? As you look up from your desk you see him peel back the silver wrapping from the chocolate labelled ‘Bottled Tears’.

[option] The quiet moment is shattered as a crowd of mostly female ex-employees from the now defunct ‘Ye Oldies Shoppe’ chain burst into your office. A representative waves her notice of employment termination under your nose. She sobs despairingly, “Look at what online shopping is doing! Our communities are dissolving; the human touch of the daily shop has ended! We ex-employees are no longer able to feed our families and our sense of worth is eroded. On behalf of us all I beg you, please ban on-line shopping!”
[effect] shopping centre parking spaces are at a premium while exhausted office employees with no time to shop are going hungry

[option] Your minister for economics slips discreetly into your already crowded office through a side door. “The world is changing, retail jobs are out there, but they are going online. These ex-employees of ‘bricks and mortar’ stores need to move with the times and get themselves a job in warehouses and offices that service online shopping. Sure, they’ll probably have to move to another part of the country to get one of these jobs, but it’s the price we pay for convenient chocolates that gets us all there in the end. Let’s offer financial incentives to encourage new and developing online retail businesses.” He makes his own selection, a chocolate with a clockwork face labelled ‘Timely Orange’.
[effect] gangs of unemployed hungry mothers and their toddlers forced to live on the streets beat up office workers in order to get access to their lunch boxes

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Wed Jan 30, 2019 2:06 am

Welcome to the forum!

I can see straight away that you're talented at writing and you have a way with words. The key thing here though is that issue writing requires a slightly different form and approach to short story / prose writing.

I'd suggest trying to present the narrative in a style closer to existing issues. Have a read of the How To Write An Issue thread, and there's a lot of guidance there on how issues are expected to look.

A more-or-less consistent house style is important, as it makes Issues all appear to be part of the same game, rather than a mix bag of individual stories Think when writing that you're contributing to a greater meta-story, as opposed to writing just a self-contained tale.

Largely, the main style shift you should aim for here is efficiency of writing. Don't use a hundred words if ten would communicate the same information and humour. Get those effect lines down to half their current length. Basically, use fewer words.

Also, aim to have the dilemma clear by the end of the opening, and make it a posed or implied question that the options then give possible responses to.

by **Australian rePublic** » Wed Jan 30, 2019 3:21 am

Why would motivational chocolates be labelled "bottled tears"? Also, not valid for vegan nations. Also, option 2, are they purchasing from @@DENONYM@@ online retailers, or foreigners? Also, baring supermarket shopping, why would anyone buy chocolates online? Unless they were were unique to the online retailer

by **Baggieland** » Wed Jan 30, 2019 3:53 am

Just to repeat what Candlewhisper said earlier. Try to follow the way in which issues are generally presented.

For example, your description could be simply put as:

As more and more brick and mortar stores close down due to the popularity of online shopping, a debate has arisen on the demise of the High Street.

See, just one sentence that explains the problem clearly and sets up nicely for the following speakers to state their opinions.

by **Devil Heart** » Wed Jan 30, 2019 4:44 am

Thank you for the welcome and the considered advice

I'll roll up my sleeves and begin the slash and burn!

by **Devil Heart** » Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:27 pm

Finally I have a second draft!

The advice given by each of you has been terrific.

I've shortened the text in all areas, and changed (I hope) across to the existing issue style.
Got rid of the chocolates

I ate 'em

More comments/advice/critique sort.
Thanks.

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Feb 26, 2019 2:39 pm

Option 2- not only do they have to move, but to move, but they have to sell their businesses and work for someone else. The later is a huge downgrade. Also, what are the consequences of a huge chunk of the population moving half way round the country? These would be massive. Temporarily, you would huge queues at the airport/railway station, a huge housing bubble, a huge drop in house prices. Such a massive impact would have a collosal impact on the entire nation. Long term, you would need to worry about infrasturcture, elderly/sick relatives left behind in nursing homes, new schools, local economies, local supply chains, etc. I mean, you can't just have a massive exodus of people like that without considering the logistics of it. Yes, yes, Biblical Exodus. Assuming the Biblical Exodus actually happened, then there are 2 things to consider;
A. It was 3000 years ago, when society was orders of magnitude simpler
B. God handled all the logistics
Besides, there would be more than one online retailer with more than one warehouse, so you would only need to move from rural areas to urban areas (or have a longer commute) You can look at how China did this and is continuing to do this, and is continuibg to do this, unless you live in a huge, empty land like Australia or Canada. All this would be a long, but necassery tangent. And we're all missing the elephant in the room. People can start individual businesses through these tech giants. Amazon, and eBay sell very little of their own products, and recieve profits mostly from indipendant sellers. These e-commerce business are operation from anywhere where there's an internet connection

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Wed Feb 27, 2019 3:07 am

You've certainly nailed the efficiency thing, perhaps even going too far.

[Description] Brick and mortar retail employment in @@NAME@@ crumble as online shopping industries crack off increasingly more @@CURRENCY@@

So, one-sentence set ups have been used, and sure Baggieland did suggest one that was concise, but this sentence reads a bit too much like a Sky News ticker tape. The goal of being concise is to make room for story. Perhaps go a little bit back towards the storytelling mode, and hit a happy medium. The competition from online business is an important issue, but there perhaps needs to be more explanation as to why they can't compete. Something like:

[Description] Brick-and-mortar stores are reporting that they are struggling to compete with online retailers. With the cute little chocolate shop that you regularly patronise about to go about of business, maybe it's time you stepped in.

So it's halfway between your two approaches. The crux of the dilemma is presented concisely first, and the whole thing weighs in at two sentences. The second sentence could be judged as redundant, but it's actually a little more than "something must be done": the subtle thing it adds here is humanity to the issue, making it feel like something with emotional weight.

And sure, I've also sinned here on the player autonomy front, by assuming that Leader patronises a particular shop, but hey, it's a small sin, and I think it's worth it here to give the issue a more approachable face.

[Option] A distraught group of ex-retail employees burst into your office. One of the women sobs despairingly, “@@LEADER@@ until yesterday we were valued citizens, now we are on the streets with our children bartering lemonade for food! I beg you please, ban on-line shopping!”
[effect] cashed up workers window shop at their favourite boutiques

The rule of thumb here is to start with the speech, unless the identity of the speakers is more useful information than what they are saying.

However, the option also needs to deliver more information, and ideally you need to present at least two distinct good solutions to the problem and one crazy one. Also, the options should expand on why this is a bad thing, for example flagging up the carbon footprint of shopping deliveries, and the loss of the personal touch.

For example, one option could be helping keep shops on the high street by subsidising their ground rent, and having the government produce adverts encouraging to shop local, and to buy locally-grown food. A second option could say that online is the future, and instead set up a government IT help desk to help businesses transition into a digital age. A third option could then be to ban the internet... though that's such a trope now that it might be better to come up with something more originally crazy.

Keep at it, you're almost there!

by **USS Monitor** » Wed Feb 27, 2019 3:41 am

I agree with CWA that you took the efficiency thing just slightly too far. It's good that you're willing to listen to feedback and you're not afraid to make big changes, but it still needs a bit of fine tuning to get exactly the right balance between brevity and being fleshed out.

by **Devil Heart** » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:22 pm

Here is number three. Hoping I’m continuing to inch closer to what an issue needs to look like.

Australian rePublic and Candlewhisper Archive, your advice and ideas have set my mind about in all kinds of fascinating and fun directions. Hopefully this increasing confidence I’m developing is successfully working with the increased number of options this issue now has.

In case anyone is interested here are some links below that have inspired me:

5 Myths About Selling on Amazon:
https://www.entrepreneur.com/slideshow/299698

China's urbanization rate to hit 60 pct by 2018
https://www.reuters.com/article/china-u ... 7G20131227

Ai Weiwei “Dropping the Urn” – But “Where is Weiwei” Today?
http://adobeairstream.com/art/art-revie ... g-the-urn/

I think the demonym needs to be in a plural form, but not sure how to indicate that in the coding so advice on this would be much appreciated.

by **USS Monitor** » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:26 pm

Devil Heart wrote:I think the demonym needs to be in a plural form, but not sure how to indicate that in the coding so advice on this would be much appreciated.

You can use @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ to indicate where you mean for it to be pluralized.

by **Devil Heart** » Fri Mar 15, 2019 11:33 pm

Thank you USS Monitor

by **Devil Heart** » Tue Mar 19, 2019 4:25 am

Is this issue good to go for submission?
A dunk in the pool would be lovely, should the issue make it through the gates that is.
To help it on it's way, any last thoughts/suggestions about oversights on my part are still most welcome.
Thanks

by **Verdant Haven** » Tue Mar 19, 2019 5:07 am

Taking a read over the latest draft, I think you're approaching a good place! Still some questions or suggestions I personally would have though! My thoughts:

1) While the option texts for choices 1-3 feel reasonable, if a bit nebulous in 3, I don't fully grok what option four is actually asking for. I suspect it's meant as a "destroy the cash economy by force and compel a return to barter" option, and definitely needs to be clear about that (if accurate). That's a massive change for most folks, and I'm guessing it would have some brutal statistical adjustments, so give a clearer heads-up. If that's not what you had in mind, make it clearer in that other direction, so people like me don't run screaming from it :-D

2) The effects lines don't feel as solid as the texts they follow. The first is a bit too specific to the balloon shop I feel - I'd aim for something more generalized like "daily public celebrations" in strip malls or the like. For the second, I don't actually understand what is supposed to be happening and why. The third looks 100% positive for a position that basically does nothing tangible. The final one is the closest to working for me, but see above re the option text itself.

by **Devil Heart** » Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:44 am

Verdant Haven wrote:While the option texts for choices 1-3 feel reasonable, if a bit nebulous in 3

Couldn’t bear to lose the Ai Weiwei reference, so used more words to explain what is happening, hopefully without over elaborating? It’s a fine line that one.

Verdant Haven wrote:I don't fully grok what option four is actually asking for. I suspect it's meant as a "destroy the cash economy by force and compel a return to barter" option, and definitely needs to be clear about that (if accurate). That's a massive change for most folks, and I'm guessing it would have some brutal statistical adjustments, so give a clearer heads-up. If that's not what you had in mind, make it clearer in that other direction, so people like me don't run screaming from it

Run screaming Verdant Haven!

If it’s allowed in an issue like this, that is indeed what I meant to happen, so I’ve added more words to make that clearer now.

Verdant Haven wrote:The effects lines don't feel as solid as the texts they follow. The first is a bit too specific to the balloon shop I feel - I'd aim for something more generalized like "daily public celebrations" in strip malls or the like.

I was aiming for a bit of a half hearted attempt at funding street fairs by the government, this should be coming across more clearly now

Verdant Haven wrote:For the second, I don't actually understand what is supposed to be happening and why.

Yeah, sometimes I can’t understand what’s going on inside my head too, and I’m me!
Anyway, a big change made to this effect, hopefully this is now congruent with the actual issue

Verdant Haven wrote:The third looks 100% positive for a position that basically does nothing tangible.

Not so positive now me thinks

Verdant Haven wrote:The final one is the closest to working for me, but see above re the option text itself

Kept this one, changed the issue text.

Any other thoughts from the issues community still welcome because I’m still learning

EDIT no idea why the quote coding isn't working here, will have to look up FAQs!
EDIT: Fixed :clap:

by **The Super Fork** » Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:02 am

When the online mini shop Happydumps delivers a broken jar of honey to your office instead of the balloons you ordered for a party you’re attending today, a call to a favourite local party goods boutique finds it closed, unable to compete with the big online traders. A meeting is called to find a solution.

I'm liking this issue!

This is a tiny thing, but I personally think the description reads a bit better as (changes in bold):

"When the online mini shop Happydumps delivered a broken jar of honey to your office instead of the balloons you ordered for a party you’re attending today, a call to a favourite local party goods boutique found it closed, unable to compete with the big online traders. A meeting is called to find a solution."

by **Devil Heart** » Sun Mar 24, 2019 5:31 am

Good advice Super Fork, done.

LAST CALL
I've made a few other adjustments to the text.

A last look over is welcome, in case there is anything still wildly out of kilter.
If not, I plan on submitting this over the next day or two.

Thank you everyone, it's been a fun first ride for me. Glad I was brave enough to attempt this!

by **Devil Heart** » Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:00 pm

Submitted.

Think I've caught this issue writing bug!

Cheers all and thanks again.

[SUBMITTED] Shopping in Tonight?

[SUBMITTED] Shopping in Tonight?

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