[SUBMITTED] Forced To Run Straight

[The Rhein States]

TITLE Forced To Run Straight

VALIDITY ALL (I pressume)

DESCRIPTION

The government of Rudrabha, a small, neighbouring, landlocked, economically backward nation, known for its primary export product coal, has made plans to canalize the Zordask river, which is the natural border between your nations, making the river navigable and giving Rudrabha access to the sea. The government has therefore sent their ambassador to your office, to explain what they have envisioned. (61 words)

OPTION 1 - "Dredging the Zordask is only part one of the whole project", says Rudrahbean ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding up the project blueprint in front of @@HIM@@, only @@HIS@@ feet stick out underneath, "The highlight is a system of forty-five locks and weirs eliminating the height differences making the river navigable for our barges. Their goods will be unloaded in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ harbours which will make you our main trading partner." (67 words)

EF The Zordask river is as black as the Rudrahbean coal transported on it

OPTION 2 - "We must reject this plan immediatly!" says Jean-Paul Lacombe, wearing a red '@@ANIMALPLURAL@@ First' baseball cap, "Valuable wildlife habitat will be lost through the canalization, not to mention the pollution of coal falling from the barges into the river. We must do everything to protect @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ against the Rudrahbean plans." (50 words)

EF Rudrahbean citizens stay at sniper rifle distance from the Zordask river

OPTION 3 - "Where is your compassion, Jean-Paul?" questions @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, while offering homemade, heart-shaped, strawberry flavoured cookies to everyone in your office, "I do agree with mister 'Zoolater' that we shouldn't allow the Zordask river to be polluted but denying our neighbour to economically develop and lift people out of poverty seems a bit harsh too. Why don't you grant them some development aid instead, @@LEADER@@?" (63 words)

EF Thanks to billions of development aid Rudrabha has better infrastructure than @@NATION@@

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Firstly, I think don't summarise what an issue is about outside of the issue. If you can't transmit the concept through the writing alone, then it's not going to work. That said, I'm ignoring everything ahead of the start of the issue and heading straight to the opening description.

Brancaland has elected a new government who has promised to bring economic prosperity to the Carpathia region, which borders @@NAME@@. The plans have far reaching impacts for @@NAME@@ which is why Max Barry, ambassador of Brancaland, has made an appointment to discuss the plans of the Brancalandian government and the impact it would have on @@NAME@@.

Things of note:

- The Carpathian Mountains exist in the real world, so it's kind of weird to have them mentioned as a region on the border of the game's Canada expy, and to have talk about a border river being the issue.
- It's generally too assumptive to have a major named NPC nation bordering every player nation. Generally speaking we try to go with anonymous nations when talking about bordering nations. I'm sure we may have broken that rules once or twice, but Brancaland is too established in the game's mythos to suddenly be a neighbour without it being mentioned anywhere else. If nothing else, with Brancaland being so clearly based on Canada, declaring a bordering nation is very Americanocentric.
- Max Barry already exists in the game too, as an author. in #46 and #77, and in various other effect lines and various other Nationstates self-references within the issues. That's not going to be a good name choice for a Brancalandian ambassador.

The bigger thing here though is that by the end of the opening description we're lacking in information. There's no mention of what the economic plans are, no mentions about the river, or about why there's impacts.

Essentially the information you've given is:

Brancaland has some plans near your shared border.

That's not nearly enough "hook". By the end of the opening description we should know exactly what the dilemma is, and already have our brain's racing about how we'd like to address that situation. The opening description is where you give exposition: the options can then develop the story, but the foundations need to be there before the options begin.

[The Rhein States]

Thank you, Candlewhisper Archive.

This was very helpful!

EDIT: I have to scrap everything and start over.

[Australian rePublic]

Issur 1071

Sorry I stole your idea

[Trotterdam]

- The Carpathian Mountains exist in the real world, so it's kind of weird to have them mentioned as a region on the border of the game's Canada expy,

...Especially since the Carpathian Mountains are in Europe, not Canada.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

- The Carpathian Mountains exist in the real world, so it's kind of weird to have them mentioned as a region on the border of the game's Canada expy,

...Especially since the Carpathian Mountains are in Europe, not Canada.

That's what I'm saying. Should have been clearer.

[The Rhein States]

Issur 1071

(Image)

Sorry I stole your idea

Well, it follows a completly different line actually. Still, I am happy I have helped you write an extra issue, apologies accepted

Anyway, I will now start on typing the revised version, so.... takes a few minutes

[The Rhein States]

Okay, I have written the new draft, finally. Opinions?

[Australian rePublic]

Is your neighbour landlocked?

[The Rhein States]

Is your neighbour landlocked?

The region, Rudrabha South, obviously is landlocked but the nation is not necessarily landlocked, no. Is it important if the nation is landlocked or not?

[Australian rePublic]

Is your neighbour landlocked?

The region, Rudrabha South, obviously is landlocked but the nation is not necessarily landlocked, no. Is it important if the nation is landlocked or not?

Yes

[The Rhein States]

The region, Rudrabha South, obviously is landlocked but the nation is not necessarily landlocked, no. Is it important if the nation is landlocked or not?

Yes

Okay, that's a good point

Well, I think this would be way more important for a landlocked nation but if I make this nation landlocked I think it would be nice to add an 'escape' option. We do not want to canalise the river but we do empathise with you so we will grant international aide for economic development of Rudrabha South.

Thanks

EDIT - added a sixth option

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I'd suggest reading the How To guide on how to structure issues, and then making this issue a more conventional one. Get the opening description free of dialogue and describe the situation, then get the six options down to three or four.

[The Rhein States]

Modified

[Australian rePublic]

Modified

@@NAME@@'s not landlocked, @@NAME@@'s neighbour is

[The Rhein States]

Modified

@@NAME@@'s not landlocked, @@NAME@@'s neighbour is

Sorry, but I cannot read that anywhere in the description? Rudrabha Republic is landlocked, not @@NATION@@

Ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, from the Rudrabha Republic, a small, landlocked economically backward nation, has come to your office to talk about an economic project concerning the border river Mesahnar. The Rudrabha government has found vast amounts of coal deposits in South Rudrabha, a region bordering @@NATION@@. The Mesahnar Canalization Plan spread out on your desk shows a system of 45 locks and weirs in order to make the river navigable, total costs are estimated to total 50 billion @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@.

[Australian rePublic]

@@NAME@@'s not landlocked, @@NAME@@'s neighbour is

Sorry, but I cannot read that anywhere in the description? Rudrabha Republic is landlocked, not @@NATION@@

Ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, from the Rudrabha Republic, a small, landlocked economically backward nation, has come to your office to talk about an economic project concerning the border river Mesahnar. The Rudrabha government has found vast amounts of coal deposits in South Rudrabha, a region bordering @@NATION@@. The Mesahnar Canalization Plan spread out on your desk shows a system of 45 locks and weirs in order to make the river navigable, total costs are estimated to total 50 billion @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@.

Okay. Next concern, who said that @@NAME@@ has no coal?

[The Rhein States]

Did I say @@NATION@@ has no coal?

We need to take this opportunity with both our charcoaled hands," excitedly says your minister of mining, "If their side contains vast amounts of coal, ours must do too! Just think of the black, uh, I mean green bucks barging in. Did you get the pun?"

Why would a nation have a ministry of mining if they didn't have mines, for example coal mines. Yet I do understand why you might think there are no mines. Revised:

"We need to take this opportunity with both our charcoaled hands," excitedly says your minister of mining, "Our side has never been explored by mining corporations. If their side contains vast amounts of coal, ours must do too! Just think of the black, uh, I mean green bucks barging in. Did you get the pun?"

[The Rhein States]

Okay, I have read the 'how to write an issue' as best as I could and have started over one final time.

A landlocked, economically backward nation with its main trade good being coal wants to gain access to the sea through the canalizing the border river.

options
1 Description of canalization process and trade benefits for nation, river gets canalized
2 Environmental protests object because of habitat loss and pollution
3 We need to understand the urge of Rudrabha to improve the lifes of its citizens and show some compassion without canalizing the river

I have tried to write them according to standard as much as possible

[The Super Fork]

Looking good so far.

Just a few small things:
1. Personally, I think it would read better if The Rudrabha Republic was replaced with plain Rudrabha.

2. The 3rd effect line feels like I'm reading it from the perspective of Rudrabha.
I'm not the best with effect lines, but maybe something like this "@@NAME@@'s infrastructure crumbles while neighboring nations thrive." would be better and a bit less clunky.

[The Rhein States]

I agree with the long name

And will see what I can do on the effect line but it will remain as it is for now

[The Rhein States]

Submitting this issue in a few days. Have you got some final recommendations?

[The Sherpa Empire]

Submitting this issue in a few days. Have you got some final recommendations?

Don't rush into submitting.