[DRAFT] At Daggers Overdrawn

by **Firnea** » Sat Aug 11, 2018 9:10 pm

Fair enough, I deleted the two options I personally deemed the most trivial, and altered the draft.
If it's still considered too long, I'd be ready to remove the final option as well, even though I'd prefer to keep it.

[TITLE] At Daggers Overdrawn

[DESCRIPTION] As a direct result of banks in @@NAME@@ having abused staggering repayment rates even for the smallest available loans, countless lower class @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizens are struggling to survive more now than ever before. The most eager of them now call for action against the biggest financial institutions of @@NAME@@.

[VALIDITY] Must not be communist; (probably) considerable wealth gaps (10.0+?); (possibly) high economic freedom (50+? 60+?); (possibly) at least "strong" economy

[OPTION 1] Not even half-way through your office door yet, a young, scruffy looking man, going by the name of @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, accompanied by four adorable little children, already starts ranting. "So you're telling me that, because our wonderful government has grown too thrifty to invest into welfare for the poorest, we have to run into crippling debt to still have some food in your fridge by the end of the month? And they said communism has your people starving! @@LEADER@@, it's about time you bring politics back to the people. If not for me, then for the next generation... please, allow the poorest to enjoy a piece of @@NAME@@'s wealth." Only a few seconds later, one of his daughters lets out a little groan and collapses on the floor face first.

[EFFECT] @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ banks make good use of newly record-breaking welfare funds, raising repayment rates even further.

[OPTION 2] Right after the child has been brought out of the room by a couple of paramedics, you already have the next visitor stepping inside, a middle-aged farmer trying his best to dress properly, but having ended up with the tie wrapped around his neck like a scarf, and still wearing mud-clenched, heavy boots. "G'day, @@LEADER@@. @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ is the name", he says. "See, we hard-working people depend on the banks just like everyone else, and if they don't fork over the money we need - well, I could really use a new tractor, one that doesn't run on 30 year old cookin' oil. Could finally grow more food, make it cheaper, and that young'un over there could afford more for his four children. Or three, whatevs. So... if you would...?"

[EFFECT] Families thrown into bankruptcy still cannot afford meat with a 15% discount on it.

[OPTION 3] "No, no, a thousand times NO!", shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a lawyer having become infamously known all over @@NAME@@ after sueing a poor family into complete bankruptcy for stealing an apple from a market stand. "@@LEADER@@, let me just ask you one question: why should the @@CAPITAL@@ Benevolent Bank be charged for the stupidity of all these filthy backwater yokels that failed to work for a better future? I believe our welfare system is more than sufficient. If these people can't handle their expense and get drunk instead of feeding their children, that is their problem, and their problem alone. @@LEADER@@, be reasonable, and allow banks to set repayment rates freely. Everything else will unnecessarily stand in the way of true economic progress." Upon noticing a pen with the @@CAPITAL@@ Benevolent Bank logo sticking out of @@HIS@@ suit's breast pocket, @@HE@@ quickly tucks it back in.

[EFFECT] The gap between rich and poor has widened enough to create a parallel society for beggars and thieves.

[OPTION 4] "What nonsense", @@RANDOMNAME@@, your mostly unchallenged personal secretary suddenly remarks, apparently thinking @@HE@@ will remain unnoticed, which clearly isn't the case. "What?! Look, I don't want to say they have it all wrong, but... quite frankly, I think they do. The way I see it, the problem isn't the bank in itself; it's capitalism. Just throw all of our banks together, create one centralised state bank, and put it under government control." After pointing out @@HIS@@ suggestion, @@HE@@ goes back to drawing a hammer and sickle on @@HIS@@ mouse pad.

[EFFECT] Recently unemployed CEOs lining up in soup kitchens realize not only revenge is a dish served cold.

~~Draft 2: Altered option 2 in favor of male-only~~

[TITLE] At Daggers Overdrawn

[DESCRIPTION] As a direct result of banks in @@NAME@@ having abused staggering repayment rates even for the smallest available loans, countless lower class @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizens are struggling to survive more now than ever before. The most eager of them now call for action against the biggest financial institutions of @@NAME@@.

[VALIDITY] Must not be communist; (probably) considerable wealth gaps (10.0+?); (possibly) high economic freedom (50+? 60+?); (possibly) at least "strong" economy

[OPTION 1] Not even half-way through your office door yet, a young, scruffy looking man, going by the name of @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, accompanied by four adorable little children, already starts ranting. "So you're telling me that, because our wonderful government has grown too thrifty to invest into welfare for the poorest, we have to run into crippling debt to still have some food in your fridge by the end of the month? And they said communism has your people starving! @@LEADER@@, it's about time you bring politics back to the people. If not for me, then for the next generation... please, allow the poorest to enjoy a piece of @@NAME@@'s wealth." Only a few seconds later, one of his daughters lets out a little groan and collapses on the floor face first.

[EFFECT] @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ banks make good use of newly record-breaking welfare funds, raising repayment rates even further.

[OPTION 2] Right after the child has been brought out of the room by a couple of paramedics, you already have the next visitor stepping inside, a middle-aged farmer trying their best to dress properly, but having ended up with the tie wrapped around their neck like a scarf, and still wearing mud-clenched, heavy boots. "G'day, @@LEADER@@. @@RANDOMNAME@@ is the name", the @@MAN@@ says. "See, we hard-working people depend on the banks just like everyone else, and if they don't fork over the money we need - well, I could really use a new tractor, one that doesn't run on 30 year old cookin' oil. Could finally grow more food, make it cheaper, and that young'un over there could afford more for his four children. Or three, whatevs. So... if you would...?"

[EFFECT] Families thrown into bankruptcy still cannot afford meat with a 15% discount on it.

[OPTION 3] "No, no, a thousand times NO!", shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a lawyer having become infamously known all over @@NAME@@ after sueing a poor family into complete bankruptcy for stealing an apple from a market stand. "@@LEADER@@, let me just ask you one question: why should the @@CAPITAL@@ Benevolent Bank be charged for the stupidity of all these filthy backwater yokels that failed to work for a better future? I believe our welfare system is more than sufficient. If these people can't handle their expense and get drunk instead of feeding their children, that is their problem, and their problem alone. @@LEADER@@, be reasonable, and allow banks to set repayment rates freely. Everything else will unnecessarily stand in the way of true economic progress." Upon noticing a pen with the @@CAPITAL@@ Benevolent Bank logo sticking out of @@HIS@@ suit's breast pocket, @@HE@@ quickly tucks it back in.

[EFFECT] The gap between rich and poor has widened enough to create a parallel society for beggars and thieves.

[OPTION 4] "What nonsense", @@RANDOMNAME@@, your mostly unchallenged personal secretary suddenly remarks, apparently thinking @@HE@@ will remain unnoticed, which clearly isn't the case. "What?! Look, I don't want to say they have it all wrong, but... quite frankly, I think they do. The way I see it, the problem isn't the bank in itself; it's capitalism. Just throw all of our banks together, create one centralised state bank, and put it under government control." After pointing out @@HIS@@ suggestion, @@HE@@ goes back to drawing a hammer and sickle on @@HIS@@ mouse pad.

[EFFECT] Recently unemployed CEOs lining up in soup kitchens realize not only revenge is a dish served cold.

~~[Draft 1: Too Long]~~

by **Australian rePublic** » Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:50 am

This issue is too long. As a general rule of thumb, the more options there are, the shorter each option should be

by **Firnea** » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:22 am

If I had to shorten it, I'd probably cut option 3 and option 5.

by **New Min** » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:39 am

I agree it's too long. As soon as you made it more short, I'll give my feedback.

by **Firnea** » Sun Aug 12, 2018 8:12 am

Alright, I edited the draft, removing two options. I'd be ready to remove the last one if it's really necessary, in case it'd still be too long.

by **Chan Island** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:38 am

Firnea wrote:If I had to shorten it, I'd probably cut option 3 and option 5.

You don't have to remove options if you just think about how you could get the speaker to say the exact same thing in less words or sentences.

by **Firnea** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:41 am

That's a fair point, but as a hobby author, I like to put some life into both dialogue and environment. I don't want any of my options to appear more bland simply because I had to shorten them, so I'd much rather prefer cutting options I don't necessarily need. Even if that means I'm somewhat stubborn about it.

by **Chan Island** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:51 am

Firnea wrote:That's a fair point, but as a hobby author, I like to put some life into both dialogue and environment. I don't want any of my options to appear more bland simply because I had to shorten them, so I'd much rather prefer cutting options I don't necessarily need. Even if that means I'm somewhat stubborn about it.

Just because an option is short doesn't mean they don't have life to them. But it's a fair choice and I can heartily agree with this reasoning, so carry on. :hug:

by **Firnea** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 10:09 am

I'll try to wrap up a version containing all options that is somewhat shortened, but I believe it may be somewhat difficult to express everything I want to.

In the meantime, is there any feedback you can give me regarding the issue as a whole?

by **New Min** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 10:21 am

(Option 2)

@@MAN@@ says

I feel like it should be 'the @@MAN@@'. Also, I feel like it should really be a man who plays the role, so I sugges making '@@RANDOMNAME@@' into '@@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@'.

Also, a centralised state bank has nothing to do with communism (the hammer and sickle part), as communism seeks to abolish the state.

by **Firnea** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:06 pm

New Min wrote:(Option 2)
@@MAN@@ says

I feel like it should be 'the @@MAN@@'. Also, I feel like it should really be a man who plays the role, so I sugges making '@@RANDOMNAME@@' into '@@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@'.

Valid points, I altered the second option and made a third draft for it. Thank you.

New Min wrote:Also, a centralised state bank has nothing to do with communism (the hammer and sickle part), as communism seeks to abolish the state.

I disagree. The Soviet Union has had its Gosbank from 1922 to 1987, which is what I had based the idea of a central bank on and which massively contributed to centralization of all industry. It was much less a commercial bank than an instrument of government policy. Considering how the early Soviet Union - effectively a Communist state - had solely been ruled by the Bolsheviks of the Communist Party, I don't believe these two elements exclude one another.

by **New Min** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:30 pm

Firnea wrote:
New Min wrote:Also, a centralised state bank has nothing to do with communism (the hammer and sickle part), as communism seeks to abolish the state.

I disagree. The Soviet Union has had its Gosbank from 1922 to 1987, which is what I had based the idea of a central bank on and which massively contributed to centralization of all industry. It was much less a commercial bank than an instrument of government policy. Considering how the early Soviet Union - effectively a Communist state - had solely been ruled by the Bolsheviks of the Communist Party, I don't believe these two elements exclude one another.

The Soviet Union wasn't a Communist state, it was state-capitalist... The fact that it was rulled by a party that self-identified as a communist party, doesn't make it an actual communist nation.
Btw, communism is based on a stateless society, and the USSR was clearly not stateless.

EDIT: It should be @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, not @@RANDOMMALENAME@@

by **Firnea** » Mon Aug 13, 2018 8:09 pm

Alright, yeah. But, considering how this was initially about hammer and sickle, which represented many parties and nations that were not exactly "communist" by all means of definition, such as the Soviet Union or the Communist Party of Germany, it shouldn't be a big deal, really.

by **Firnea** » Mon Aug 27, 2018 12:36 am

Hey guys, sorry for the bump. Just a little on edge, since it's been two weeks since the last reply. Would appreciate more feedback.

by **Krogon** » Mon Aug 27, 2018 1:54 pm

Firnea wrote:Hey guys, sorry for the bump. Just a little on edge, since it's been two weeks since the last reply. Would appreciate more feedback.

It's no problem! There are a lot of issues getting thrown around in this section!

As for the draft, I really like the writing. I love the style and how much detail you put into it! But sadly, nation states likes their issues short and sweet.

Don't get me wrong, I can tell you would make a great fiction author, but looking at the writing of lots of other issues, it looks like this is just a bit too complicated. As a fellow hobby writer, try to think of your situation like this:

You're Times New Roman, and Nation States is Arial.

I know this probably sounds a bit convoluted, but I hope you know what I mean.

Otherwise, I really like this issue. You're gonna do some great writing in your future, so good luck.

[DRAFT] At Daggers Overdrawn

[DRAFT] At Daggers Overdrawn

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