[SUBMITTED] Near, Far — Wherever You Are

by **Jutsa** » Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:29 am

OK, I have no idea if this is even a reasonable premise, so I'm prepared for a 2-hour discard,
but in the event that it's not, here's my crack at a secret police reversal. :lol:

Draft 1.3:

Title: Near, Far — Wherever You Are
The Issue: You've begun to question whether having secret police in @@NAME@@ was such a good idea after your Chief of Secret Police, who told you your entire office was bugged, was taken away for being a "threat to national security".
Validity: Nation has secret police

Option 1: Your Minister of Law and Order meets you outside. "I'm glad you made it! We have to do something... men in black are everywhere, and they won't give us a break! You have to give the government and everyone working for it complete immunity to the secret police, before..." The minister looks around, then whispers to you, "before they turn on us."
[effect] anyone capable of finding out about the minister of law and order's death is sworn to secrecy

Option 2: A man in black walks up to you and your Minister. "Mr. @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@! Funny, seeing you out here." The minister begins to quiver. "You know, @@LEADER@@, I heard him talking about us through the bug I planted on us. Believe me, we're needed in order to make sure the government doesn't break the law — even you. In fact, we request ownership of everything you have: documents, passwords, names, everything. Now, if you'll excuse us, your Minister and I will be taking a little walk."
[effect] military officers sharing secrets as required by law are arrested for sharing top secret information

Option 3: "This is nonsense!" complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, a random passerby, eating a jelly sandwich. "The secret police is taking people away for telling you things you should know! Not to mention we're spending our taxes on something that does a horrible job at being secret. Let the real police handle all of the real crimes in @@NAME@@, and abolish the 'secret' police once and for—AGH!" @@HE@@ is put under by a man in black that looks suspiciously like the previous speaker.
[effect] shadowy entities haunt hardware stores

by **Trotterdam** » Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:26 am

Jutsa wrote:OK, I have no idea if this is even a reasonable premise, so I'm prepared for a 2-hour discard,

No serious problem with the premise, other than not being funny enough. You're basically just saying "people don't like being arrested by the secret police". Well, duh. Show some more detail about how having everyone be under suspicion could lead to problems and/or humor.

Here's an old Russion joke for inspiration:

Jutsa wrote:The Issue: You've begun to question whether having secret police in @@NAME@@ was such a good idea after your top aid, who told you your entire office was bugged, was taken away for being a "threat to national security".

It's spelled "aide".

by **Jutsa** » Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:29 am

Thanks @aid, but it's not supposed to be so much "people are being arrested and they don't like it"
as "a 'secret' organization is threatening to control the government". Idk if I accomplished that, but...

by **Trotterdam** » Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:52 am

Jutsa wrote:"a 'secret' organization is threatening to control the government". Idk if I accomplished that, but...

Problem is, no matter what, the player stays in control of the government. That's how the game works.

The secret police can only take this politician away if you, @@LEADER@@, choose to authorize this by selecting option 2. So it doesn't really connote that urgency of "your secret police is trying to subvert your rule".

by **Jutsa** » Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:46 am

Eh, true... but could they still be out-of-control and taking your ministers left/right for unnecessarily strict reasons?
(ones that perhaps you didn't necessarily agree to)

by **Australian rePublic** » Sat Mar 24, 2018 1:29 pm

Option 2's effect should be "secret police officers often watch politicans play cup and ball durring their breaks"

by **Jutsa** » Sat Mar 24, 2018 3:11 pm

Changing, though I'll save the old one in another draft if people prefer the old one(probably won't)

by **Jutsa** » Sun Apr 08, 2018 8:58 am

Bump~

by **Third Enlightment** » Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:00 am

Well thats another story to told......or not

by **Jutsa** » Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:34 am

Another bump. :lol:

Probably going to keep this up for just a couple weeks.

by **Trotterdam** » Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:43 am

I still think this doesn't really work without showing the secret police doing things that are actually inconvenient to you.

by **Jutsa** » Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:45 am

Hmm... yeah, I'll see what I can do. I'm sure that could also make for some humorous content. :3

by **The Atlae Isles** » Mon Apr 16, 2018 7:04 pm

I now wonder why the secret police doesn't arrest other secret police members

Option 1: Your Minister of Law and Order meets you outside. "I'm glad you made it! We have to do something... men in black are everywhere, and they won't give us a break! You have to give the government and everyone working for it complete immunity to the secret police, before..." The minister whispers to you, "before they turn on us."
[effect] the government is immune from the highest level of police investigations

I think when the Minister whispers to you, he can take a furtive look at his surroundings and then lean closer to you.

Option 3: "Alright, this is nonsense," complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, a random passerby, eating a jelly sandwich. "The secret police is just a waste of taxpayer money. They can't even be that secret if everyone in @@NAME@@ knows about them! Let the real police handle all of the crimes in @@NAME@@, and abolish the secret police, once and for a-" @@HE@@ is then apprehended by a man in black that looks suspiciously like the previous speaker.

The ending is a bit awkward here. Something that comes to my mind is an issue where the characters go "Ah, my throat!" as if they were being strangled, and I think this is a good place to put something like that here.

by **Trotterdam** » Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:00 am

The Atlae Isles wrote:I now wonder why the secret police doesn't arrest other secret police members

That's basically what the joke I quoted was getting at.

by **Jutsa** » Tue Apr 17, 2018 9:04 am

Hmm... what if I changed your top aide to the chief of the secret police?

by **Jutsa** » Thu Apr 19, 2018 11:15 am

Updated a bit. Is this a better premise and option 3?
Also could use a better option 3 effect line if anyone has one. :blush:

by **Feria-Alkaline** » Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:28 am

Jutsa wrote:Updated a bit. Is this a better premise and option 3?
Also could use a better option 3 effect line if anyone has one.

How about [Fallout] Secret police officers dress flashily ..? Nah, that sucks... uh... dunno...

by **Jutsa** » Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:41 am

Naeh but I thank you for trying. :lol:

Hmm... "former secret police agents haunt the halls around @@LEADER@@'s office"?
Think about it, where do all of the secret police agents go? Where did they come from, for that matter?

Hmm... actually, "shadowy figures haunt the halls around @@LEADER@@'s office" would be a good one, I think.

by **Trotterdam** » Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:40 am

Jutsa wrote:Hmm... actually, "shadowy figures haunt the halls around @@LEADER@@'s office" would be a good one, I think.

Why would people who just lost their jobs stick around @@LEADER@@'s office?

by **Jutsa** » Fri Apr 20, 2018 9:47 am

Very good question! Maybe they're waiting to ask for their jobs back or something?

Still open to other suggestions, ftr.

by **The Atlae Isles** » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:27 pm

Trotterdam wrote:
Jutsa wrote:Hmm... actually, "shadowy figures haunt the halls around @@LEADER@@'s office" would be a good one, I think.
Why would people who just lost their jobs stick around @@LEADER@@'s office?

@@LEADER@@ has homeless people living in @@HIS@@ closet and I think under @@HIS@@ desk, and his office is hilariously easy to get into.

by **Trotterdam** » Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:21 pm

Let me rephrase: why would people start hanging around @@LEADER@@'s office more when they're unemployed than when they were actually working for @@LEADER@@?

It doesn't matter if you can justify it. Effect lines need to make sense on their own, without depending on convoluted logic explained only in the drafting thread.

by **Bears Armed** » Sun Apr 22, 2018 4:51 am

Trotterdam wrote:Let me rephrase: why would people start hanging around @@LEADER@@'s office more when they're unemployed than when they were actually working for @@LEADER@@?

Trying to get their jobs back?

by **Jutsa** » Sun Apr 22, 2018 5:08 am

Aside from the effect line, which I'm still welcome to other ideas about the consequences of disbanding the secret police,
does this draft need any major adjustments? :lol:

by **Trotterdam** » Sun Apr 22, 2018 5:55 am

Option 2 is maybe a little too much of a "keep the status quo" option. Can you make it a bit crazier?

[SUBMITTED] Near, Far — Wherever You Are

[SUBMITTED] Near, Far — Wherever You Are

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