[ACCEPTED; #1110] - Curtains For The Horrorshow

[Sacara]

Hey guys! Just a little precursor, I am awful at thinking of titles, so if anyone has any suggestions, let me know! I have changed the title, thanks to His Excellence. I would like feedback, and to let me know if you think this is a good idea (if this an already an issue, let me know as well). Thanks in advance!

Name: Curtains For The Horrorshow

[The Issue] After last week's highly anticipated release of the new horror movie, "Scary Dream on Fifth Street", reports have been coming in that movie theaters across @@CAPITAL@@ have been allowing children as young as five to watch the film. A group of overprotective parents and their kids have gathered around your office to discuss what should be done.

[Option 1] “Oh, the horror!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, President of Concerned Mothers For Young Kids, an organization dedicated to protecting motherly interests. “The part where the creature ate the brains of the man was so disgusting, even I stopped watching! How could any movie theater allow children to watch this grotesque film! What if it was the manager's children it was affecting? These children will be scarred for life because of this mishandling! It's time to crack down on movie theaters that are harming our younger generation. Just imagine what will happen to all of these kids who have seen such obscene images! They will be scarred for life, and think of how unproductive that will be for @@NAME@@!"
[Effect] even the elderly are forced to show a form of identification to get into the newest kids movies

[Option 2] Your next visitor happens to be seven-year-old academic prodigy, @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the children who was allowed to see the movie in question. “Sometimes we all go a little mad, but I say we should just embrace it. I. I especially enjoyed the part where the zombie tore off the man's arms. My mother says that because I'm an adolescent, I should not see this movie, but frankly, I think I’m more mature and sophisticated than the average @@DEMONYM@@. I insist that you abolish these superfluous regulations. This discrimination against highly intelligent kids, like me, shall not continue!"
[Effect] mothers are seen taking their babies to the latest Stephen Spailbarg movie

[Option 3] "Who needs these kinds of movies in the first place?" ask your grandmother, drinking tea and reminiscing about her younger years. "Back when I raised your parents, we didn't have scary movies and look how they turned out. The people who make the movies in the first place should have to test them in front of a young audience, and even if one kid gets scared, do not allow it to show. I care too much about the youth to let them go through these kinds of films!"
[Effect] schools are forced to show heavily censored nature documentaries in science classes

[Australian rePublic]

Effect for option 3- why are they dangerous?

[The Sakhalinsk Empire]

Effect for option 3- why are they dangerous?

Because, according to the fallout, there are no regulations.

[New Seaview Cove]

I think its good

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I think it is okay.

The premise is sound, though could be presented with more humour and less redundancy.

The three options are structurally sound, but prosaic. I suggest drop option 3 and replace it with one that shows your imagination and sense of humour.

The effect lines need to be funnier and more funny indirect consequences rather than simple clarifications.

Right now, this isn't usable, but with work it could make the grade.

[Sacara]

Thanks for the feedback! I just edited it, and I completely reworked option three. I also attempted to add more humor to it, as well. More feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Make #3 even crazier, I think. Perhaps have it so that any movie that scares anybody in the test audience is banned from general release.

[Sacara]

I just edited option three, along with a few other small edits. Let me know what you think of the third option.

On another note, I'm not sure how much I like the title. Does anyone have any ideas?

[His Excellence]

I'd like to suggest "Parental Advisory Warning" or "Curtains For The Horrorshow?" as potential titles.

[Sacara]

I really like the "Curtains for the Horrorshow". I'll make that the new title. Thanks!

[Sacara]

I made a few edits here and there and caught a few grammar errors.

[Jutsa]

Alrighty, Sacara, let's take a looksie here. :3
Gotta say that I love the format you've set this up in, but then again I'm extremely biased in that opinion.

The Issue:

Last week, after the highly anticipated release of the new horror movie, “Scary Dream on Fifth Street”, there have been numerous reports that movie theaters in @@CAPITAL@@ allowed children to view the movie.

Hmm... so, was the movie released last week, or did the reports come in last week?
The former's not really implied very well, but you should replace "have" with "had" if the latter is the case. [box]Many upset parents are demanding to figure out how this happened.[/quote] They're demanding who to figure out how this happened?

Option 1:

“Oh, the horror!”

Good line.

What if it was their children it was affecting?

That's a bit of a strange sentence given the context. What about "Would their managers let their own children watch this?".
I'd just use "they", but idk if movie theaters have children...
(Plus not all nations have private industry so I don't think "owners" works either, best go with managers)

that harming our younger generation.

that are harming*

They will be scarred for life, and think of how unproductive that will be for @@NAME@@!"

What a wrench thrown in at the end there.

even the elderly are forced to show a form of identification to get into the newest kids movies

Nice. :3

Option 2 looks great imo.
(here's hoping I didn't miss anythin important; probably did )

Option 3:

"Back when I raised your parents, we didn't have scary movies and look how they turned out.

I'd mention that in about 20-40 years this won't be quite accurate, but in 20-40 years NS might be irrelevant anyways — here's hoping that's not the case, though.
Just something I wanted to highlight; I don't think it needs changing, but it's still there in case you err on the side of caution.

these kind of films!"

this kind or these kinds.

Overall, I've gotta say that this is a pretty well-written draft. No major changes that I can tell would be necessary.
Then again, I'm not the best at spotting those kind of things.

Good luck to you, Sacara.

[Sacara]

Thanks Jutsa for taking the time to look into my draft! I've implemented the changes that you have suggested.

[Sacara]

Feedback still welcome.

[Fauxia]

The last sentence of the description should be cut out, as it's unnecessary, unless you want to make it a lot funnier

[Sacara]

Made some edits. Feedback is still welcome.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Generally a good idea to keep previous drafts on the OP, behind a spoiler block. This shows others where you were before comments.

As it is, this is now looking a lot better.

[Caracasus]

This is great as is. If it were me, I'd be tempted to include a peek at the film's content in the options as they unfold.

i.e. "And that bit where he rips off the man's arm and... urgh!"

for example.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Uh-oh, another editor on the thread.

*lick lick*

There, I've licked this issue. Under playground law, that means it is now officially mine.

[Caracasus]

Uh-oh, another editor on the thread.

*lick lick*

There, I've licked this issue. Under playground law, that means it is now officially mine.

Well, I bow to the sacred precedent of the playground and leave this one in your safe hands!

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Seriously though, I think it's going to be a case of first grabber will get to edit this. It's a good issue by a relatively new author. We all love issues like that.

Agree with Caracasus' comments by the way.

[Candensia]

Uh-oh, another editor on the thread.

*lick lick*

There, I've licked this issue. Under playground law, that means it is now officially mine.

Oho~

Ill disguise my drafts as candy in an effort to get editors to lick them.

In any case, I am a fan of this issue.

[Sacara]

Generally a good idea to keep previous drafts on the OP, behind a spoiler block. This shows others where you were before comments.

As it is, this is now looking a lot better.

Thank you! And for future reference, I will start keeping previous versions in a spoiler.

This is great as is. If it were me, I'd be tempted to include a peek at the film's content in the options as they unfold.

i.e. "And that bit where he rips off the man's arm and... urgh!"

for example.

I added that for options one and two. Let me know what you think now.

Overall, thank you guys for the great feedback. It means a lot. If anyone else has any suggestions to throw my way, have at it.

[Sacara]

I feel like this is getting close to submission if no one else responds with any large complaints, but I won't rush anything

[Jutsa]

I can certainly relate to that.

Personally, I think it looks good for submission. Your call, I think.
(I'm not the best person to give submission advice)