[SUBMITTED] Mind the Gap

[Valentine Z]

Hey look, my very first issue draft!

This idea came into my mind after what has happened in my country of residence recently. Two trains collided with each other, but fortunately, no one died.

EDIT: Currently in Draft 5 !

[desc] Recently, two trains in a subway station collided with each other. Fortunately, the collision only resulted in a couple of minor injuries, though the train services were disrupted for a full 33 hours.

[validity] Nations with existent Public Transport (i.e. the stat is not below zero).

[option 1] "Well, are you really that surprised?" exclaims Head Engineer @@RANDOMNAME1@, busy adjusting a few knobs on a console. "You cannot just keep ignoring this problem! We need more maintenance and funding for public transport, for better equipment, and to hire more engineers so that such a thing won’t happen again. I mean, I have been working for 14 hours straight, so we definitely need the manpower."
[effect] universities are increasingly funding internships for @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport

[option 2] "More funding? Hiked taxes? That’s not what we need!" yells @@RANDOMNAME2@@, a citizen standing beside you, who is also an avid collector of model trains. "Look, I sympathise with the Head Engineer here, but whatever money you throw at the problem will just end up lining the pockets of the ministers. I actually checked these things online beforehand, and I think the current systems are fine. What you need to do is reorganise the committee and make sure that someone who actually knows what they're doing!" @@HE@@ then motions @@HIS@@ eyes at the Head Engineer.
[effect] the new Minister of Transport has a PhD in physics and is an avid railbuff

[validity] Only for nations with public transport under a governmental control.
[option 3] "Did somebody say "funding"?" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME3@@, CEO of a private transportation named Lifewheels, as @@HE@@ got out of @@HIS@@ limo. "Sounds like you folks need a major reform of your transportation, and I can deliver that! @@LEADER@@, with us, you can leave your transportation worries to us. These collisions will be a thing of the past! Now, if you could just sign here… and here…"
[effect] the nation has recently handed over its public transportation to a corporation

[option 4] "Ahh, the sweet sounds of collisions," remarks teenager @@RANDOMNAME4@@, after exiting out of @@HIS@@ neon-light-laden street racer. "What, too soon? Anyway, @@LEADER@@, what you need to do is to get rid of this "public transport" nonsense altogether and just build more underground roads for us drivers. Yeah, those without a car will take a big hit, and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but it’s so much better than sitting on a seat that someone sneezed all over!"
[effect] police reported a number of street racers making loop-the-loops in abandoned train tunnels

[desc] Recently, two trains in a subway station collided with each other. Fortunately, the collision only resulted in a couple of minor injuries, though the train services were disrupted for a full 33 hours.

[validity] Nations with existent Public Transport (i.e. the stat is not below zero).

[option 1] "Well, are you really that surprised?" exclaims Head Engineer @@RANDOMNAME1@, who was busy working on the errors on a console. "You cannot just keep ignoring this problem! We kept telling the higher-ups that we need more maintenance – Tracks slipping, trains miscalculating trajectories…" @@HE@@ pauses for a moment before taking a huge gulp of coffee, "While you are at it, I think you should increase the funding for public transport, to hire more engineers so that such a thing won’t happen again. I mean, I have been working for 14 hours straight."
[effect] universities are increasingly funding internships for @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport and copious amounts of energy drinks

[option 2] "More funding? Hiked taxes? That’s not what we need!" yells @@RANDOMNAME2@@, a citizen standing beside you, who is also an avid collector of model trains. "Look, I sympathise with the Head Engineer here, but whatever money you throw at the problem will just end up lining the pockets of the ministers. I actually checked these things online beforehand, and I think the current systems are fine. What you need to do is reorganise the committee and make sure that someone who actually knows what they're doing!" @@HE@@ then motions @@HIS@@ eyes at the Head Engineer.
[effect] the new Minister of Transport has a PhD in physics and is an avid railbuff

[validity] Only for nations with public transport under a governmental control.
[option 3] "Did somebody say "funding"?" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME3@@, CEO of a private transportation named Lifewheels, as @@HE@@ got out of @@HIS@@ limo. "Sounds like you folks need a major reform of your transporation, and I can deliver that! @@LEADER@@, with us, you can leave your transportation worries to us. These collisions will be a thing of the past! Now, if you could just sign here… and here…"
[effect] the nation has recently handed over its public transportation to a corporation

[option 4] "Ahh, the sweet sounds of collisions," remarks teenager @@RANDOMNAME4@@, after exiting out of @@HIS@@ neon-light-laden street racer. "What, too soon? Anyway, @@LEADER@@, what you need to do is to get rid of this "public transport" nonsense altogether and just build more underground roads for us drivers. Yeah, those without a car will take a big hit, and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but it’s so much better than sitting on a seat that someone sneezed all over!"
[effect] police reported a number of street racers making loop-the-loops in abandoned train tunnels

[desc] Recently, two trains in a subway station collided with each other. Fortunately, the collision only resulted in a couple of minor injuries, though the train services were disrupted for a full 33 hours.

[validity] Nations with existent Public Transport (i.e. the stat is not below zero).

[option 1] “Well, are you really that surprised?” exclaims Head Engineer @@RANDOMNAME1@, who was busy working on the errors on a console, “You cannot just keep ignoring this problem! We kept telling the higher-ups that we need more maintenance – Tracks slipping, trains miscalculating trajectories…” @@HE@@ pauses for a moment before taking a huge gulp of coffee, “While you are at it, I think you should increase the funding for public transport, to hire more engineers so that such a thing won’t happen again? I mean, I have been working for 14 hours straight.”
[effect] Universities are increasingly funding internships for @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport and on copious amounts of energy drinks.

[option 2] “Come on, you people are making a mountain out of a molehill,” scoffs @@RANDOMNAME2@@, Minister of Public Transport, who has been repeatedly pressing “Ignore” on another computer terminal, “Accidents happen, but you cannot deny that we are doing quite a great job at it. Sure, this collision added like 12 hours to the commute time for everyone, but hey, at least they should be thankful that we ran a flawless transportation throughout the rest of the year. I think we Ministers should be given a pardon for this isolated incident.”
[effect] The @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport’s default answer is that “Our trains work 80% of the time”.

[option 3] “More funding? Hiked taxes? That’s not what we need!” yells @@RANDOMNAME3@@, a citizen standing beside you, who is also an avid collector of model trains, “Look, I sympathise with the Head Engineer here, but whatever money you throw at the problem will just end up lining the pockets of the ministers. I actually checked these things online beforehand, and I think the current systems are fine. What you need to do is reorganise the committee, make sure that someone who actually HAS an idea is in charge!” He then motions his eyes at the Head Engineer.
[effect] The new Minister of Transport has a PhD in physics and is an avid railbuff.

[option 4] “Ahh, the sweet sounds of collisions,” remarks teenager @@RANDOMNAME4@@, after exiting out of his neon-light-laden street racer, “What, too soon? Anyway, @@LEADER@@, what you need to do is to get rid of these “public transport” nonsense altogether and just build more underground roads for us drivers. Yeah, those without a car will take a big hit, and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but it’s so much better than sitting on a seat that someone sneezed all over!”
[effect] Police reported a number of street racers making loop-the-loops in abandoned train tunnels.

[desc] Recently, two subway trains in the City Hall of @@CAPITAL@@ collided with each other. Fortunately, the collision only resulted in a couple of minor injuries, though the train services were disrupted for a full 33 hours. You have been called for a meeting with the Public Transport Committee over this matter.

[validity] Nations with existent Public Transport (i.e. the stat is not below zero).

[option 1] “Come on, you people are making a mountain out of a molehill,” scoffs @@RANDOMNAME1@@, Minister of Public Transport, who has been repeatedly pressing “Ignore” on the errors of the computer terminal, “Look, accidents happen, I admit, but you cannot deny that we are doing quite a great job at it. Sure, this collision added like 12 hours to the commute time for everyone, but hey, at least they should be thankful that we ran a flawless transportation throughout the rest of the year… well, almost flawless, really. I think we Ministers should be given a pardon for this isolated incident.”
[effect] The @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport’s default answer is that “Our trains work 80% of the time”.

[option 2] “ISOLATED? Are you out of your-“ exclaims Head Engineer @@RANDOMNAME2@, who immediately then swatted the hands of the Minister away from the mouse, “You cannot just keep ignoring this problem, @@LEADER@@! Really, they might be surprised, but we are not! We kept warning them that we need more maintenance – Tracks slipping, trains miscalculating trajectories… all of these problems are real as you and I!” @@HE@@ pauses for a moment before taking a huge gulp of coffee, “While you are at it, I think you should increase the funding to hire more engineers so that such a thing won’t happen again? I mean, I have been working for 14 hours straight, I think we need more people.”
[effect] Universities are increasingly funding internships for @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport and on copious amount of energy drinks.

[option 3] “More funding? Hiked taxes? That’s not what we need!” yells @@RANDOMNAME3@@, a citizen standing beside you, who is also an avid collector of model trains, “Look, I sympathise with the Head Engineer here, but the fact of the matter is that whatever money you throw at the problem will just end up lining the pockets of the ministers. I actually checked these things online beforehand, and I think the current systems are fine. What you need to do is reorganise the committee, make sure that someone who actually HAS an idea of what he is talking about is in charge!” He then motions his eyes at the Head Engineer.
[effect] The new Minister of Transport has a PhD in physics and is an avid railbuff.

[option 4] “This doesn’t go far enough!” adds on @@RANDOMNAME4@@, an owner of a blog “No Capitalists Allowed”. “I agree with this fellow citizen here, but what I am saying is, we are all in this mess because we handed it over to some greedy capitalists! Ever wondered why they priotitise profit over the entire matter? Ever wonder why they increased the fares by 10%? You see where this is going, right? I say that we seize the control of the public transportation network from them, and put it back into the government’s hands. It might increase the tax a little, but would you want another collision again? Yeah, I don’t think so.”
[validity] Only if your nation’s public transport is under private corporations.
[effect] The nation’s public transport’s fate is no longer determined by profit margins.

[option 5] “Ahh, the sweet sounds of collisions,” remarks teenager @@RANDOMNAME4@@, after exiting out of his neon-light-laden street racer, “What, too soon? Anyway, @@LEADER@@, what you need to do is to get rid of these “public transport” nonsense altogether and just build more underground roads for us drivers. Yeah, those without a car will take a big hit, and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but it’s so much better than sitting on a seat that someone sneezed all over!”
[effect] Police reported a number of street racers making loop-the-loops in abandoned train tunnels.

[desc] This morning, two subway trains in the City Hall of @@CAPITAL@@ collided with each other. Fortunately, the collision only resulted in a couple of minor injuries, though the train services were disrupted for a full 33 hours. You have been called for a meeting with the Public Transport Committee over this matter.

[validity] Nations with high Public Transportation stats.

[option 1] “Come on, you people are making a mountain out of a molehill,” scoffs @@RANDOMNAME1@@, Minister of Public Transport, who has been repeatedly pressing “Ignore” on the errors of the computer terminal, “Look, accidents happen, I admit, but you cannot deny that we are doing quite a great job at it. Sure, this collision added like 12 hours to the commute time for everyone, but hey, at least they should be thankful that we ran a flawless transportation throughout the rest of the year… well, almost flawless, really. I think we Ministers should be given a pardon for this isolated incident.”
[effect] The @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport’s default answer is that “Our trains work 80% of the time”.

[option 2] “ISOLATED? Are you out of your-“ exclaims Head Engineer @@RANDOMNAME2@, who immediately then swatted the hands of the Minister away from the mouse, “You cannot just keep ignoring this problem, @@LEADER@@! Really, they might be surprised, but we are not! We kept warning them that we need more maintenance and repairs. Tracks slipping, trains miscalculating trajectories… all of these problems are real as you and I!” @@HE@@ pauses for a moment before taking a sip of coffee, “While you are at it, I think you should increase the funding to hire more engineers so that such a thing won’t happen again? I mean, I have been working for 14 hours straight, I think we need more people.”
[effect] Universities across the country are increasingly funding internships for @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport, as well as on copious amount of coffee.

[option 3] “More funding? Hiked taxes? That’s not what we need!” yells @@RANDOMNAME3@@, a random citizen standing beside you, who is also an avid collector of model trains, “Look, I sympathise with the Head Engineer here, but the fact of the matter is that whatever money you throw at the problem will just end up lining the pockets of the ministers. I actually checked these things online beforehand, and I think the current systems are fine. What you need to do is reorganise the committee, make sure that someone who actually HAS an idea of what he is talking about is in charge!” He then motions his eyes at the Head Engineer.
[effect] The new Minister of Transport has a PhD in physics, and is an avid railbuff.

[option 4] “Ahh, the sweet sounds of collisions,” remarks teenager @@RANDOMNAME4@@, after exiting out of his neon-light-laden street racer, “What, too soon? Anyway, @@LEADER@@, what you need to do is to get rid of these “public transport” nonsense altogether and just build more underground roads for us drivers. Yeah, those without a car will take a big hit, and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but it’s so much better than sitting on a seat that someone sneezed all over!”
[effect] Police has reported an increasing number of street racers making loop-the-loops in now-abandoned train tunnels.

[Fauxia]

Welcome to Got Issues!
Not a bad issue here, but it has some problems.

Again, the writing is very good
However, usually time isn’t mentioned in issues. Usually they only say “recently,” and similar. And even if you do want time in it, most people use a 24-hour clock for their nation, so it doesn’t make sense that it was 33 hours ago if it was this morning
The options are also well-written, but a bit too long.
Finally, I don’t see why this has to be for a nation with high public transport. Why couldn’t it be private trains crashing? I believe there may be a flag for public trains, anyway, ask an Issue Editor.

Effect lines should not be sentences, nor should they have commas in them. Right now, yours are too long. Titles also shouldn’t be sentences unless they’re exclamations or questions. The former would work. There may already be an issue with this title, though.

Not sure about the overlap here, but if there isn’t any, keep working on it, this is very good

[Valentine Z]

Welcome to Got Issues!
Not a bad issue here, but it has some problems.

Again, the writing is very good
However, usually time isn’t mentioned in issues. Usually they only say “recently,” and similar. And even if you do want time in it, most people use a 24-hour clock for their nation, so it doesn’t make sense that it was 33 hours ago if it was this morning
The options are also well-written, but a bit too long.
Finally, I don’t see why this has to be for a nation with high public transport. Why couldn’t it be private trains crashing? I believe there may be a flag for public trains, anyway, ask an Issue Editor.

Effect lines should not be sentences, nor should they have commas in them. Right now, yours are too long. Titles also shouldn’t be sentences unless they’re exclamations or questions. The former would work. There may already be an issue with this title, though.

Not sure about the overlap here, but if there isn’t any, keep working on it, this is very good

Why, thank you very much!

Hmm, I can change the 33 hours to something else, but I don't know what to make it a bit more... dramatic. I want to show that the delay was a really big one, something you have never seen before in your nation.

"Finally, I don’t see why this has to be for a nation with high public transport. Why couldn’t it be private trains crashing? I believe there may be a flag for public trains."
I think this can be the fifth option, actually! I thought about it too, so maybe I can scrap the High Public Transport requirement, and maybe make Option 5 available if your country is a capitalist (or has quite a private industry).

"Effect lines should not be sentences, nor should they have commas in them. Right now, yours are too long. Titles also shouldn’t be sentences unless they’re exclamations or questions. The former would work."

Ooh, got it!

I will make the relevant changes soon. Got some RL stuff for a moment!

[Fauxia]

You can keep the 33 hours. Change “this morning”

[Singapore no2]

Try to avoid overlapping with my draft. Please.

[Valentine Z]

Try to avoid overlapping with my draft. Please.

Oh, shoot. I didn't know that you already did that, sorry! How overlapped is it so far, if you don't mind me asking? I can try changing a few things here and there.

[option] "Pardon my intrusion, but I believe that involving the private sector is the solution," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Tower Transport, a transport operator world-renowned for its reliable service. "State bureaucracy in most nations is opaque and overly-complex, rendering lapses in protocol virtually undetectable. If you were to allow private players to bid for the operation and maintainance of different sections of your rail lines, monitoring your train system's health would be so much simpler, whilst cutting costs and adding healthy competition."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s train system is at the mercy of various multinational companies


From yours, I think this can be a precursor to my Option 4. After privatizing it, this issue would allow you to choose Option 4.

[Singapore no2]

Try to avoid overlapping with my draft. Please.

Oh, shoot. I didn't know that you already did that, sorry! How overlapped is it so far, if you don't mind me asking? I can try changing a few things here and there.

Not much, actually.

It's actually extremely direct in referencing Singapore's IRL situation, while your draft is a bit more vague. Mine was also about derailing, not collisions.

[option] "Pardon my intrusion, but I believe that involving the private sector is the solution," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Tower Transport, a transport operator world-renowned for its reliable service. "State bureaucracy in most nations is opaque and overly-complex, rendering lapses in protocol virtually undetectable. If you were to allow private players to bid for the operation and maintainance of different sections of your rail lines, monitoring your train system's health would be so much simpler, whilst cutting costs and adding healthy competition."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s train system is at the mercy of various multinational companies


From yours, I think this can be a precursor to my Option 4. After privatizing it, this issue would allow you to choose Option 4.

Sure, I suppose.

[Valentine Z]

It's actually extremely direct in referencing Singapore's IRL situation, while your draft is a bit more vague. Mine was also about derailing, not collisions.
Sure, I suppose.

Ah, all right. Yeah, I will try my best not to. Mine is specifically on a very major collision that just pushed the luck, 33 hours delay and all that.

[Alanis Star]

I bump this thread!

[Australian rePublic]

Looks good. However,
Description- what were trains doing inside the city hall? Or off the tracks for that matter?
Option 4- I always had the impression that the government was running the railways, based on how the rest of the issue is written

[Valentine Z]

Looks good. However,
Description- what were trains doing inside the city hall? Or off the tracks for that matter?
Option 4- I always had the impression that the government was running the railways, based on how the rest of the issue is written

Hello there! Sorry for the late reply!

Hmm, yeah. I think I was supposed to say City Hall train station. As in, a train station in the middle of Downtown, like City Hall MRT in Singapore. Thanks for pointing that out, will change the wording later.

As for Option 4, I think "Public" Transport can be outsourced to a private company? Or if your nation is a Corporate State, then I think it can happen.

[Singapore no2]

As for Option 4, I think "Public" Transport can be outsourced to a private company? Or if your nation is a Corporate State, then I think it can happen.

Then you might want to remove the word "public" from anything meaning transport.

[Australian rePublic]

As for Option 4, I think "Public" Transport can be outsourced to a private company? Or if your nation is a Corporate State, then I think it can happen.

Then you might want to remove the word "public" from anything meaning transport.

"Public" means not the only one using it- the word "public" isn't the problem here

[Valentine Z]

Both of you has a point! Public can mean both here. A "private" public transport? Maybe it's a train/bus service for those that can pay the exorbitant prices, while the poor doesn't exactly have a choice because they have no money for the tickets.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

There's some good writing here, but broad structural issues.

[desc] Recently, two subway trains in the City Hall of @@CAPITAL@@ collided with each other. Fortunately, the collision only resulted in a couple of minor injuries, though the train services were disrupted for a full 33 hours. You have been called for a meeting with the Public Transport Committee over this matter.

That second sentence is redundant. Stop just before it.

Your options, in general, are too long and too many. Also, by the end of the first option we should have some idea as to why the accident might have happened.

Slice it down to three to four options. Have the first option explain what happened, and to propose a regular sensible solution. Then have a couple of more unusual but still eminently reasonable sounding solutions. Then a crazy reactionary option.

[Valentine Z]

All right, thanks for the feedback again, everyone!

Third draft is up!

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Good work on the feedback. Looking pretty solid, but let the community at it for a bit longer, I'd advise.

[Australian rePublic]

For the station to be called @@CAPITAL@@ station, it would have to mean that they were long distance trains

[Valentine Z]

For the station to be called @@CAPITAL@@ station, it would have to mean that they were long distance trains

Hmm, good point. Let me work on the name.

Good work on the feedback. Looking pretty solid, but let the community at it for a bit longer, I'd advise.

Sure thing! While this issue is being processed, can I post another draft? Or is it one at a time?

Sorry, still kinda new!

[Singapore no2]

Sure thing! While this issue is being processed, can I post another draft? Or is it one at a time?

Sorry, still kinda new!

I have 5 drafts up right now. There's honestly no limit to how many you can have at a time, as long as you write original content.

[Greater Mushroom Kingdom]

I hope your issue is accepted! I feel there needs to be more train-related isssues.

[Singapore no2]

I hope your issue is accepted! I feel there needs to be more train-related isssues.

>I like trains.
>meme

[Valentine Z]

I hope your issue is accepted! I feel there needs to be more train-related isssues.

Then what are you waiting for? Go and TRAIN yourself to write issues!

[Alanis Star]

Bumpity-Bump again.

So, how's it going? Any more changes I need to make?

[Jutsa]

Hey look, my very first issue draft!

Wow, this is pretty good for a first draft!

Heeloo, Valentine Z. Sorry I'm a bit late to the show, but I only got a kick to do some issue reviews in the last day or two. :3

The issue looks pretty good, as-is, but a few things I want to mention:

Option 1:

errors on a console,

period after console

“While you are at it, I think [...] so that such a thing won’t happen again?

Period after again

Universities are increasingly funding internships for @@DEMONYNNOUN@@ Public Transport and on copious amounts of energy drinks.

I'm having a bit of trouble parsing this effect line, although I think the word "on" should be removed.

Option 2:

on another computer terminal,

Period after terminal

I think this option really isn't necessary - it functions very much like the dismiss button.

Option 3:

“More funding? Hiked taxes? That’s not what we need!”

Another reason why I think option 2 could just be discarded.

collector of model trains,

Period after trains

committee, make sure that someone who actually HAS an idea is in charge!”

I'd add "and" after "committee," and change "HAS an idea" to "knows what they're doing".

He then motions his eyes at the Head Engineer.

Macro the pronouns - He→@@HE@@, his→@@HIS@@. :3
I should mention that reorganizing would still hike taxes(although just a little),
which makes the section in my first quote a little bit more dubious.
That being said, it would definitely be cheaper than more funding.

Option 4:

after exiting out of his neon-light-laden street racer,

1) @@HIS@@
2) period after racer

these “public transport” nonsense

this*

altogether and just build more underground roads for us drivers.

Do they have to be underground? Also, what about nations that don't have cars? It might not hurt to add a second version of this option specifically for nations without cars.

Police reported a number of street racers making loop-the-loops in abandoned train tunnels.

Hmm... would that even be possible? I honestly have no idea.

Alright, so to summarize what I put in the text above:
1) replace the commas before dialogue with periods, since they're not part of the same sentence.
2) Replace "he" and "his" with @@HE@@ and @@HIS@@
3) A little bit of grammatical and word editing
4) Probably safe to remove option 2
5) Either cut out mentions of cars or split the final option in two - one for car nations, and one for carless nations.

In addition, here are some things that I want to mention for the issue overall.

a) Change all of the “smart quotes” with "dumb quotes" (and same with 'apostrophes'):
the game doesn't let smart-quote input, I guess, but they're automatically converted to smart-quotes in-game for some people or something.

b) unsentensify the effect lines:
Effect lines should not have commas or periods, and should start with a lowercase. The reason for this is because while they can appear as sentences,
they can also appear in sequences on your home-page.

c) You don't have to number every @@RANDOMNAME@@.
While it's very useful if you're using @@HE@@ (or other such pronoun macros) for people mentioned before or after the previous mentioned @@RANDOMNAME@@,
it's not at all necessary in this case. That's not to say it's a needed change, it's just something that really doesn't make a difference.

d) Possibly add an option that lets the private sector take control of the public transportation?
It wouldn't be necessary, but it would be a viable option - as long as you include a validity that says it's not available to state-run economies.

That's all! I know it looks like a lot, but aside from a), b), 1-3, and 5(though less crucially),
everything I've mentioned is a give/take. Actually, you can ignore everything I said, if you want,
although I'd advise to take a look at them all.