Televasion News

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Kalashi National News...English Version
Tuesday 7/Wednesday 8 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-New Calendar
Tuesday 25/Wednesday 26 April 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-Old Calendar
----------------------------------
Hospitals In Ipsola No Longer Full
Following the story from here:
viewtopic.php?f=23&t=103661&hilit=News
The hospital over crowding problem has died down. The hospitals in Ipsola, and around the entire nation have gone back to their 5 star selves:


Ku Klux Attack
There was a Ku Klux Klan Attack on a black man who the family kept anonymous. The Ku Klux Klan smashed into the man's bathroom, grabbed him when he was on the toilet and put him on a burning cross. His daughter was waiting to use the toilet and after an hour, she knocked and got no reply. She called her mother who ran to the scene and tried knocking on the door. After she got no reply, she dialed his mobile phone (she knew she had it on him when in the bathroom) 10 times with the message that it had been disconnected. She dialed the mobile phone provider who told her that the phone had not been disconnected. After one last attempt she tried to open the door but it was locked so she ran to the tool shed, grabbed an axe and smashed the door down where she saw a hole in the wall and a trail of blood. She followed the trail till it ended at a pile of ashes getting blown away by the wind. She dialed the police who told her that they were on their way to her house to tell them that the Ku Klux Klan members who killed him were arrested in a maximum security prison and she is invited to court case which will be held the next day so she can help decide the punishment. The Ku Klux Klan members Siorsi Zebre, Lug Legre and Siuke Siukle, when asked to remain anonymous were laughed at in the face.
"M...m...my husband was killed by these spastics" says the wife of the man who was killed "I..i..i" (after half an hour of crying) "h..h..hhhhh...he's dead!" (cries more)
"Dad's gone!" says the daughter and cries
This is the side of the story from one of the police officers who saw the event
"Well my colleagues and I were on our way to start random breath testing when we saw a few people in the KKK outfit holding their arms down as if they were dragging someone across the ground so we rang the police station and told them we suspect murder and we had to cancel the breath testing and told them to send other officers whilst they dealt with the situation. They agreed so we got out of the car and saw -- (those dashes were where the victom's name was inserted), the black man was being dragged across the ground, with his mouth taped shut and a trail of blood coming out of his back. By the time we ran away, he was on the burning cross and two of the members were running away. My colleagues were them after him and I tried to un-tie -- but when the fire spread to his hair, I had to try to burst the water pipe so I had to run to the car and get our special tool which can dig and burst a pipe in a minute and by the time I picked it up and destoryed the pipe, half of his body was burnt and the rest was on fire. I tried to stop the fire but my aim wasn't very good and by the time I finlly got it, the whole body was gone and the ashes were blowing away in the wind. In the meanwhile, the other members were caught and all 3 of us officers had to take them to the station and that is when I recived the call from the family, at 10:30pm, asking what had happened. I was cring when I had to tell them. These horrible Ku Klux Klan members will get what they deserve!

Photo courtesy of a bi-standing tourist who happened to walk by with a camera.

Shimaratan Script Wrong
For the past few milleniums, Kalashi thought that the origional Shimaratan script was the Latin script and the greek script was used only for a few decades, but historians discovered that the origional script was indeed the Greek script. Because it is too late to change all the books and everything now, many tests will be conducted to see what would happen!

-------------------------------------

News Provided By Televasion. Televasion, Invasion of you Television
Thank You To Our Sponsors:
The Kalashi Government
Airata
Kalaspian Airlines
Orange QANTAS Airlines
New Orea Pay Toilets
President Homer Soft Drinks
Souvlaki Lemonaki
Egglisica Computers
Kemist Chemists

------------------------------------
That was Kalashi News. We hope we have provided you infotainment. For more information and pictures on the internet, visit:
http://www.televasion.kalashinews.com.ks/
or on ksnet:
mlhttp://ksnet.televasion.kalashinews.ks.ks

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Come on people! This is a Q&A thread

[Democratic Koyro]

a good peace of work

[Syvorji]

Nice job, but perhaps some grammar improvements could do? Just thinking. Either way, looking forward to your next issue.

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

a good peace of work

Thank You

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Nice job, but perhaps some grammar improvements could do? Just thinking. Either way, looking forward to your next issue.

Thank you! I will try to improve my grammar!
I type it up occasionally!
There are two criteria needed for me to do it:
-I come up with enough stories
-I have time to it up

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Kalashi National News...English Version
Sunday 12/Monday 13 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-New Calendar
Sunday 30/Monday 31 May 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-Old Calendar
----------------------------------
Man Recives Darwin Award For Killing Family of Four
In Kalaspia-Shinarata, a man went put himself into a refrigerator and moved the fridge to see where it would end up. He ended up falling off a cliff, and smashed a hole in the roof of the house of a family who were having dinner and live at the bottom of that cliff. As the family were enjoying their meal, the fridge came and landed on the dinner table. The ceramic plates and glassses went everywhere, cutting the family so badly they bled to death. The man who was in the refrigerator got a Darwin Award. The family of the family requested for the victoms not to be named.
"Which idiot would do such a thing?" asks a police officer "The --(the dashes represent the name) family dieing in such a way! If that man was still alive, we would have prosecuted him! I wish we could identify the idiot so we can name and shame him"
"My sister was sitting down at the table eating their dinner" says the sister of the victom who was the mother "She told me little - their youngest child was going to have his first glass of wine tonight and he was looking forward to it in all of the 5 years of his li..hi..hi..fe!" **She cries**
(No picture, sorry)

Yet another Darwin Award
Siuk Luk also won a Darwin Award today when wanted to see what would happen if you vertically launched a firework using the Olympic flame. He went to the Central Clock and smashed the glass where the Olympic and Holy flammes are kept. He then lit the firework and hid behind a sundial recording it with his video camera. When the firework knocked the video camera the sundial which he placed it, he got up and tried to save the camera before it fell to the floor, the firework exploaded in his heart and he dropped the video camera anyway
"The population of Kalaspia-Shimarata are getting dumber and dumber by the minute" says a police officer "I think reciving a Darwin award becoming the next planking!":


Secret History Discovered
A secret has been discovered in the history of Kalaspia-Shimarata. The discovcery was a conspiracy that during the bombing of Lime Cove, some communists hid in an underground bunker and are planning the second communist invasion of Shimarata and that these bunkers are still there. It is also proved that every member of the communist party is from these bunckers
Some Conspiracy theorists say that the government knew about these bunkers but kept them secret from the people
"Of coarse the government knew about the bunkers! Why else would they allow the Communist Party to operate?" says well known conspiracy theorist Gregory Yiannis
"Don't be silly!" screams an anonymous anti-conspiracy theorist "The government belive that the country is a democrasy and that is whhy they are the first government to allow a ommunist party since Chrisando attacked us!"
"We did not know about these bunkers!" states Health Minister Stellios Cityrailsaints "The reason why we allowed the Communist party to operate is because the referendum allowed them to operate, and no! It was not rigged! And, no, we were not paid by the bunkers to allow the party to operate!"
An election will be held next week to see if the government should stay as it is. Among the election there will be a question regarding the communist party

-------------------------------------

News Provided By Televasion. Televasion, Invasion of you Television
Thank You To Our Sponsors:
The Kalashi Government
Airata
Kalaspian Airlines
Orange QANTAS Airlines
New Orea Pay Toilets
President Homer Soft Drinks
Souvlaki Lemonaki
Egglisica Computers
Kemist Chemists

------------------------------------
That was Kalashi News. We hope we have provided you infotainment. For more information and pictures on the internet, visit:
http://www.televasion.kalashinews.com.ks/
or on ksnet:
mlhttp://ksnet.televasion.kalashinews.ks.ks

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Kalashi National News...English Version
Saturday 25/Sunday 26 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-New Calendar
Saturday 12/Sunday 13 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-Old Calendar
----------------------------------
Gun Rampage Kills Village
In Siureke, a tiny village of Kalaspia, a man came from a nearby town armed with a gun and killed each and every of the 60 residents. Unfortuntely, this rampage did not stop in the village after the man caught a train at Siureke train station and went on a killing spree at a preschool, killing 400 students and 6 teachers, shot everyone who worked at his local branch of the Red Cross Kalaspia-Shimarata, killed the priest during today's Sunday church service, shot a few hunter gatherer tribes and was finally caught when all of the guests at a wedding called the police after he mudered the bride. Police are yet to identify him. Collectivelly, this man hospitalised 12000 people and injured 20000
"Not only will this skum bag get gaoled for his crime but also the fact that he didn't carry his ID card when the police asked him is enough to make his poor family to make his family to lose their house because of the fine. If he didn't have his ID card when police asked for it but he hadn't commited such a massive crime, it would have been a different story, but since he did commit such a crime, he will get a massive fine of atleast 250 Million kalaspi" says Police Officer Jim Smithopoulos
"My poor daughter was killed!" Says the anonymous mother of one of the preschool victoms "We promised to take her to Krap tommoro for her 4th birthday, but instead we'll commemorate it at the cemetery"
"You live, you die" says the gunman when asked why commited the crime
"I got shot in the arm and survived, but my colleague, who had just donated blood and was told make sure he doesn't loose any was shot in the leg and died due to execive blood loss" says a teacher of the preschool who chose not to give away their identy, not even their gender
"Not only amwsa I hospitalised and my colleague dead" says a Red Cross employee who kept her identity a secret from the public, "But due to the lack of employees, people in hospital died sine there was no one to give them their required blood transfusions, thus indirectly killing 250"


Women Stabs Husband to Claim Life Insurance
A woman by the name of Kerake Zike stabbed her husband with a knife to claim life insurance of 567,000,000 kalaspi. The police caught this woman, arrested her and gave all the money back to the insurance company
"Well, she didn't get any of her money now" says a police officer, "Atleast the insurance company benifits by never having to pay her anything, EVER!"
"My poor brother" screams the victom's only sister who has not told us her name "How can someone stab their husband with a knife like"
"I hope she gets what she deserves!" states a random citizen whoes name was not given "They had been married for 20 years, what made her think to kill him now?"


Luna Eclipse Will Show Moon Colony
Tonight/Tommoro morning, there is expected to be a solar eclipse at 2pm, Ipsolan time. This solar eclipse will show Kalaspia-Shimarata's Moon Colony, Fegari. The premior of Fegari has agreed to turn on the lights so that it can be well lit and seen from Earth when covering the sun
"This will be fantastic" says astronomer Freke Alezi "I will definatly be filming this and paying a company to put this on a DVD where I can sell it"
The government is urging every employer (exept those in the hospital industy) to allow their employees time off work to watch this eclipse

-------------------------------------

News Provided By Televasion. Televasion, Invasion of you Television
Thank You To Our Sponsors:
The Kalashi Government
Airata
Kalaspian Airlines
Orange QANTAS Airlines
New Orea Pay Toilets
President Homer Soft Drinks
Souvlaki Lemonaki
Egglisica Computers
Kemist Chemists

------------------------------------
That was Kalashi News. We hope we have provided you infotainment. For more information and pictures on the internet, visit:
http://www.televasion.kalashinews.com.ks/
or on ksnet:
mlhttp://ksnet.televasion.kalashinews.ks.ks

[Syvorji]

OOC: Oh god... Too many memories of American imperialism returniong...

IC: From: Syvorjin Intelligence Agency
To: Kalapsia-Shimaratia's Government

We heard rumors that this man could be Sheng Ti, a Syvorjin who collaborated with the Syvorjin Junta from 1967 to 1972, prior to fleeing, first to Eeri, and then in 1990, to Kalapsia-Shimaratia. During the Junta rule, Sheng Ti was a nortorious official, to such a point he could've been a successor. He practically led the Republican Protection Agency (RPA). We wonder if it is Sheng Ti, because if it is, he has to be extradited for crimes against humanity, war crimes, and genocide.

Signed,
The Syvorjin Intelligence Agency

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

OOC: Oh god... Too many memories of American imperialism returniong...

IC: From: Syvorjin Intelligence Agency
To: Kalapsia-Shimaratia's Government

We heard rumors that this man could be Sheng Ti, a Syvorjin who collaborated with the Syvorjin Junta from 1967 to 1972, prior to fleeing, first to Eeri, and then in 1990, to Kalapsia-Shimaratia. During the Junta rule, Sheng Ti was a nortorious official, to such a point he could've been a successor. He practically led the Republican Protection Agency (RPA). We wonder if it is Sheng Ti, because if it is, he has to be extradited for crimes against humanity, war crimes, and genocide.

Signed,
The Syvorjin Intelligence Agency

IC:Although we would never let anyone with a criminal record into the country, we'll ivestigate the case, do you have any pictures of this Sheng Ti?

[Syvorji]

OOC: Oh god... Too many memories of American imperialism returniong...

IC: From: Syvorjin Intelligence Agency
To: Kalapsia-Shimaratia's Government

We heard rumors that this man could be Sheng Ti, a Syvorjin who collaborated with the Syvorjin Junta from 1967 to 1972, prior to fleeing, first to Eeri, and then in 1990, to Kalapsia-Shimaratia. During the Junta rule, Sheng Ti was a nortorious official, to such a point he could've been a successor. He practically led the Republican Protection Agency (RPA). We wonder if it is Sheng Ti, because if it is, he has to be extradited for crimes against humanity, war crimes, and genocide.

Signed,
The Syvorjin Intelligence Agency

IC:Although we would never let anyone with a criminal record into the country, we'll ivestigate the case, do you have any pictures of this Sheng Ti?

Yes, but a detailed description is really better, so thus, here it is (OOC: I do not want to end up being warned for picspam).

When he left, he had neat trimmed hair, with a beard, except on his chin, and eyewitnesses seemed that he also was seen wearing grungy blue jeans, a blue shirt with the circled-star, with the first letter of Syvorji "S" in the Greek Script of Syvorjin, and possibly Greek, and a gold khaki hat. One Syvorjin child who escaped from the preschool as soon as he came in also claimed he was wearing a medal, the Order of Jon Winston, which was put in service in 1969, after the visit to Thurask. He is 2.15 meters tall, and is fluent in English, Greek and Syvorjin.

[Kalasion]

I like the Darwin Awards ones.

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

IC:Although we would never let anyone with a criminal record into the country, we'll ivestigate the case, do you have any pictures of this Sheng Ti?

Yes, but a detailed description is really better, so thus, here it is (OOC: I do not want to end up being warned for picspam).

When he left, he had neat trimmed hair, with a beard, except on his chin, and eyewitnesses seemed that he also was seen wearing grungy blue jeans, a blue shirt with the circled-star, with the first letter of Syvorji "S" in the Greek Script of Syvorjin, and possibly Greek, and a gold khaki hat. One Syvorjin child who escaped from the preschool as soon as he came in also claimed he was wearing a medal, the Order of Jon Winston, which was put in service in 1969, after the visit to Thurask. He is 2.15 meters tall, and is fluent in English, Greek and Syvorjin.

IC:Yea, that fits the description. We belived he had managed to sneak in as it was a forced stop over and all we did was checked his passport. Now we know that now we should be stricter to check criminal records as well. He did flee the country so we have an Internation Police job on our hands...
OOC:It's not picspam if you post ONE picture with so much text when someone asks you for one in circumstances like these

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

I like the Darwin Awards ones.

Why, because the're funny or they kill themselves?

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Kalashi National News...English Version
Saturday 2/Sunday 3 July 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-New Calendar
Saturday 19/Sunday 20 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-Old Calendar
----------------------------------
Gunman's Identity discovered
Thanks to the Syvorjin authorities, we have identified the gun man who has wiped out the entire village as Sheng Ti. It was belived Sheng came to Kalaspia-Shimarata when his plane was forced to stopover so therefore, we did not check his criminal record. He has now fled the country.
(No picture sorry)

Racist Soccer Riot Kills Many and Shuts Vactrain
In Genco City yesturday became a white and asian vs black and coloured vs peacekeeper riot. When the Genco Cities were versing the Kalashi Clocks, a soccer riot broke out about a controversial soccer goal. It was an ordinary soccer riot, until someone screamed out racist comments then all the white people from both sides got together from all the black people from both teams. A 3rd group was created to try to keep the peace. It did not work out with them. The asians ended up joining the whites and the coloured the blacks. The entire city of Genco is still on fire. There were 287,000 Ku Klux Klan attacks and 56,879 Anti-Klan (The black Ku Klux Klan against whites) attacks. Many animals from many of Genco's zoos were released, leaving havic accross the city. There are still many fires across the city. One black person boarded a vactrain full of white people and killed herself in a suicide anti-klan attack by setting it on fire. This shut the line. All and all, 456,798 were killed and 678,909 were hospitalised, and the number keeps increasing. So far 345,679,908 kalaspi damage has been done, but the number is still increasing. The riots are finally starting to die down

-------------------------------------

News Provided By Televasion. Televasion, Invasion of you Television
Thank You To Our Sponsors:
The Kalashi Government
Airata
Kalaspian Airlines
Orange QANTAS Airlines
New Orea Pay Toilets
President Homer Soft Drinks
Souvlaki Lemonaki
Egglisica Computers
Kemist Chemists

------------------------------------
That was Kalashi News. We hope we have provided you infotainment. For more information and pictures on the internet, visit:
http://www.televasion.kalashinews.com.ks/
or on ksnet:
mlhttp://ksnet.televasion.kalashinews.ks.ks[/quote]

[Syvorji]

OOC: The new flag and such is set in 2020, the replies and RPs are in 2018. Why? The 2020 is for a Pol Pot-style government. The following post, as many others, will be in 2018 (different year, obviously, but if you do not recognize years later than yours, you could assume it is the same year).

IC: We cannot believe stragglers are popping up, from as far as Kalaspia-Shimiratia recently, to Eeri in 1994. We're just very suprised. We'll keep track and see where we find him.

Signed,
Syvorjin Intelligence Agency

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Thank You!

[Calimera]

About your Moon Colony,
is it a fact, or is it something made up by the Media in your stunning country?

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

About your Moon Colony,
is it a fact, or is it something made up by the Media in your stunning country?

We do have Moon Colony named Fegari

[Calimera]

And how's the relationship between your colony and your country?

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

And how's the relationship between your colony and your country?

They are nothing more than a province and are treated exactly like one. They're province type is colony

[Kalasion]

Hey Kalaspia-Shimarata, can I post some of my news here too to prevent thread spam?

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Hey Kalaspia-Shimarata, can I post some of my news here too to prevent thread spam?

Sure, I wanted to turn this into international news anyway!

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Come on people, I want to give A which I can't if there is no Q!

[Kalaspia-Shimarata]

Kalashi National News...English Version
Monday 18/Tuesday 19/Wedbnesday 20 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-New Calendar
Monday 5/Tuesday 6/Wedbnesday 7 June 2011 AD, 203nd Decade, 21st Century, 3rd Millenium Anti Dominian-Old Calendar
----------------------------------
Terrorist Attack On Savedland Stopped at Boarder
A plane carring a bomb which was planning to do a 9/11 type attack in Rosenban, Savedland has been intesepted in Kalaspia-Shimarata. The man who was flying the plane has been put into police custody had been refused bail and will face court next Thursday.
"This is very unfortunate" says a random citizen "Savedland is our greatest allie and yet we have f-n f-k wits trying to blow them up! I mean, dead set! What did the Savedlish ever do to them!"
"We must stop terrorism at its core before we start bombing allies" screams Kalashim Kremelem Zemuhume Siumuluk "We have never done such a thing! Fortunatly, the Savedlish are in good spirits about this"
"Attacking an allie of Kalaspia-Shimarata is treason! He better have a good lawer" says a very patriotic Kalashi Coart Representative of the government


Chrisando Bomb Starts Revolutions
Chrisando today almost bombed the city of Yalame. The Chrisando plane flew in carring a bomb. The boarder patrol tried to stop it but the plane just flew right past. The Kalashi authorities then through a bomb on it but it did not work. The authorities through 17 bombs until the plane finally reached the shore almost bombing the city of Yalame. Fortunatly, the 18 bomb destroyed the plane and burried the piolet in her Pacific Grave. Other smaller nations, however, who had been conquered by Chrisando for over 70 years started a revolution against the Chrisandos. The nation of Chrisando is yet to admit these revolutions as they are warried that broadcasting this will teach the people about democracy
"It's about f-king time these f-king Chrisando c-ts got what they f-king deserve!" says a random citizen off the streets "F-king f-k-witted c-ts!"
"Well, the tables have turned, haven't they Chrisando?" says another random citizen


Dozenal Number System No Good
Kalashi historians have discovered that the dozenal number system was not used when the kalaspi was first created, over 3000 years ago, but in fact, it was created 2000 years ago. Therefore, the origional kalaspi was only the kalaspi and the shima and not the kalli nor the shimi. After a referendum, the dozenal number system was proved to be too dificult and meaningless, so when the new kalaspi gets introduced next year, there will be no dozenal aspect. The currency will work like this:
100 shima=1 kalaspi and 100 kalaspi=1 kalli. The kalaspi will be the main demonination, just like the dollar is over the cent or the dracma is over the leptos. The currency was going to have a major reform anyway, but now will only be decimal. The dozenal system will be abandoned with the eventually faze in of the new currency. However, the fact that the dozenal number system has been abandoned, does not mean we won't use the imperial system along the metric system.

-------------------------------------

News Provided By Televasion. Televasion, Invasion of you Television
Thank You To Our Sponsors:
The Kalashi Government
Airata
Kalaspian Airlines
Orange QANTAS Airlines
New Orea Pay Toilets
President Homer Soft Drinks
Souvlaki Lemonaki
Egglisica Computers
Kemist Chemists

------------------------------------
That was Kalashi News. We hope we have provided you infotainment. For more information and pictures on the internet, visit:
http://www.televasion.kalashinews.com.ks/
or on ksnet:
mlhttp://ksnet.televasion.kalashinews.ks.ks