The Village of Johz - A Guide

[Johz]

This factbook is now completed. Feel free to post comments/questions/discussion of your favourite villager below. -Johz

"Look, I really don't know whether this is a brilliant idea." Mr Newman grimaced at the blank piece of paper in front of him, and reluctantly pulled the lid off his pen.
"But you suggested it, Mr Newman," Mrs Hargreaves helpfully pointed out. "You said it would increase our standing in the international realm." She beamed, somehow proud of her ability to memorise phrases and bring them back up again at the most inopportune of times.
"Alright, alright, I'll start. Now, does anyone have a map of the area?"

---

A Guide to the Village of Johz Written for Foreigners of All Ages, Sizes, and Creeds. Now with annotations, conversation snippets, and other extras. Also available in DVD format.* COLOUR EDITION "A wild read, I couldn't put it down!" - Unknown Stranger *Provided user purchases DVD, downloads pages, burns files to DVD, and mails DVD to self.

The Village of Johz is a relatively small nation occupying 4,191 acres of land, and containing approximately 269 people. The Village is an enclave of the Dominion of Thinister, and has been ever since it declared independence from the larger country in 1901. Important personages in the Village include the Mayor, Mr Newman (the foreign secretary) and Mrs Figgis. Of these, the most important is of course Mrs Figgis. The Village is famous for being utterly ridiculous, but in a good natured way.

[Johz]

History
The village of Johz was originally founded in the 13th Century when King Terry XI decided that he couldn't be bothered to travel any further that day, and sat down (in his porta-throne^©) and waited until he could find somewhere decent to stay. Being quite a fearsome king, his courtiers built what is now known as Buxton Hall in just two weeks flat. The king was satisfied with the creation, despite the fact that most of the walls were held together with sticky-linen and prayers (which were much more powerful in those days), and spent a single night in the construction, before moving on to the next destination on his planned tour.

The village of Johz had begun to form around the building site, and continued to expand once the King had left, on the principle that the job wasn't really finished, and what if he wanted to come back this way? The parish council first met in 1292, and the first second-hand bookshop opened in 1293, firmly cementing the village's position as an official village.

It was this unusual beginning that actually set in motion the village's later succession. The village continued to exist like a traditional country village for many hundreds of years, surviving the odd train, plane and boat crash, and winning the odd village in bloom award as it did so. However, in 1883, a local historian named Michael Gorwin found that the village actually had the right to claim outright independence due to one of those ridiculous bylaws that have plagued statute-books for centuries. He alerted the village's authorities, and, in just eighteen years time, the Village was formed.

Since that time, the Village has become recognised internationally (2010), fought a minor skirmish (2010) and lost a football tournament (2011). The blame for all three of these events rests firmly on the shoulders of Mr Newman.

[Johz]

Economy
The economy of the Village is based on the Free Market system. The chief economic advisor to the Village is Sir Ranulph DeWarren, who owns many international banks, as well as Johzbank which operates within the Village. It was felt that he was probably fairly trustworthy, what with owning banks and everything.

"Wait, your chief economic advisor is Sir Ranulph DeWarren? The Sir Ranulph DeWarren? And you chose him because he's trustworthy?"
"Well of course he's trustworthy, Mr Newman," Mrs Hargreaves replied, shocked at the accusation. "They wouldn't have made him a sir if he hadn't have been trustworthy."
"Just to satisfy my burning curiosity, who made him a sir?"
"That would have been us, the PCC." Mr Woodrow volunteered.
Mr Newman buried his face in his hands.

There are a large number of imports and exports between the Village and neighbouring Thinister, although mainly imports. The Village exports wool, various meats such as lamp and pork, and seasonal vegetables to two shops in neighbouring Huntingdon. The Village in turn imports a variety of goods including foodstuffs (cereal bars, chocolate, sugar, salt), electronic goods (computers, lightbulbs , batteries, televisions), stationary (paper, pencils, pins, staples), and other miscellaneous items such as linen, dyes, books, clothes, detergents, radioactive isotopes of iodine, carpets and dog food.

[Johz]

Military
The Village, somewhat suprisingly for its size, has a well-funded Ministry of Defence. The Ministry is run by the infamous retired colonel Frederick Garrow, and has thus earned a reputation for being on time, neat and tidy, and also very, very scary.

There are a total of three members of staff at the Ministry, which is located in Mr Garrow's front room: Mr Garrow himself (Chief of defence), Miss Peppermouth (secretary and tea-maker), and Private Higgins (for whom no-one has found a use).

The ministry also commands a small army, bought from the infamous budget infantry retailer Militias 'R' Us. Despite the traditionally high asking price given by establishments such as this, Mr Garrow quickly explained that the Village's order would be heavily discounted in a short meeting with the CEO of Militias 'R' Us. The 300-strong army trains once a fortnight on a field to the south of the Village.

The Village does have more than just a basic infantry, however, and certain sheds and garages contain more dangerous weapons, including Mr Hudson's, which contains a modified tractor, now armed with light machine guns and a rocket launcher. Tests managed to completely destroy three of Mr Edward's sheep and Mrs Hargreaves second-best petunia. There is also some talk of the Village saving up for an orbital missiles/laser weapons station, and a request has been made to the Church Roof Repair Fun for a loan of grant to help cover the costs.

"Should we really be telling them all of this?" Mr Woodrow asked inquisitively. "Isn't there some kind of secrets act?"
"I think if someone wanted to find out the Village's capabilities, they would only need wander around the place for a day or two," Mr Newman responded. He glanced up to see Mrs Figgis' stony eyes boring into him, and remembered how... sensitive, that was the word... Mr Woodrow was.
"However, in light of your suggestion, it might be a good idea to remove a few key words," He added hurredly.

[Johz]

Politics
The politics of the Village is a complex power-play of various factions, with constant negotiation to secure degrees of power.

"That's utter nonsense, isn't it?" Mr Newman asked, turning to face the crowd that had gathered behind him.
"Not necessarily, the other day Miss Elthorpe tried to nominate Arnold to the PCC. That caused quite a ruckus."
Mr Newman looked into the polite inoffensive face of Mr Woodrow and raised an eyebrow.
"How long ago did that actually happen?"
"About five years ago." Mr Woodrow admitted. "But you'll leave the paragraph in, won't you?" He added.

The Village is ostensibly run by the Mayor, currently Steve McCabe. This hereditary position officially has absolute power over the Village, but this power has not been used in living memory, which in the Village is an exceptionally long time.

The day to day organisation of Village activities is performed by the PCC, a body of twenty-three Villagers, although only about ten ever turn up to meetings. The election process is relatively simple. A the beginning of each electoral year, nominations are taken for the posts on the PCC. If there are multiple nominations for the same post, a vote is taken, but this is very rare.

[Johz]

RESERVED FOR FUTURE EXPANSION

[Johz]

RESERVED FOR FUTURE EXPANSION

[Johz]

RESERVED FOR FUTURE EXPANSION

[Johz]

Random Facts

Disclaimer: The Village would like to point out that it did not write these supposed 'facts' and that many of them may well be outrageous lies. We accept no responsibility for people who try to act on the advice of them.

1. The Village's famous beverage, Johzian Beer, contains 110% alcohol, but no calories. No-one is quite sure how this occurred, but no-one is complaining.
2. Mrs Figgis used to be a teacher, but she's alright now. Her students aren't.
3. Mr Newman's favourite drink is Aqueous Salicylic Acid.

Question and Answer
Any questions? Ask them below, and receive the full wisdom of the Village. Wisdom not guaranteed.

[South Asia Minor]

I love it. Colour me amused.

[Astrolinium]

OOC: What an adorable nation. However, I see a discrepancy. Your first post states there are 269 villagers, but your military post states that the army is 300 people strong.

IC: Here's a question for you: what does PCC stand for?

[Johz]

OOC: What an adorable nation. However, I see a discrepancy. Your first post states there are 269 villagers, but your military post states that the army is 300 people strong.

IC: Here's a question for you: what does PCC stand for?

Mrs Figgis smiled at the first question, despite it deliberately not being aimed at her, and seeming to come from sort of mythical man in the sky.
"Please understand that the army is made up of mercenaries, and while we are very grateful that they would defend us against foreign armies, we don't want to invite them to be Villagers. They probably wouldn't even wipe their feet before entering our houses! If we started allowing mercenaries citizenship, we might as well allow homosexuals in, and then where would we be?"

Mr Newman swallowed discreetly, then smiled. "But as for your second question, the PCC stands for Parochial Church Council.

(OOC: Wikipedia says more.)