The NSG Bulwer-Lytton competition: WINNER ANNOUNCED!

[Grainne Ni Malley]

Ethereal tendrils floated in a blackened sky so dark one might almost call it a midnight sort of dark, which would make sense since it was in fact midnight (at least in this particular time zone), and Mordekin was taken back in time -metaphorically speaking as, in fact, he had no actual access to a time machine- to fuzzy faded memories of a childhood spent regrettably in his mother's arms while her blonde hairs cascaded in Medusa-like whips that lashed mercilessly against his tender flesh, so much so that he was convinced his mother would eat him, and that was exactly what these violent tentacles, suspended in air like so much of his mother's hair and attached to a greenish-red blob that resembled a placenta, were about to do on a cold, inky, blackened midnight-like midnight in Prague... make that 12:01 a.m.

[Wikkiwallana]

The king was dead, and there was no one to mourn him but the pastry chefs.

[Sentinel XV]

Silent as a Nightingale moving through padded bedsheets of fine linen, a shadow moves through the subtly darkened alleyways of Windehelm and cares not for the sleeping populace; his pack bulges with odoriferous evil, the vile spoils of many days' work, but this roguish Orc is not here to kill a king, nay: he has business in the Palace of Kings, as some thirty-thousand cheese circles of most plentiful wickedness shall find their way to King Ulfric Stormcloak's room tonight.

[Farnhamia]

It was a bright and sunny morning, but dark clouds of rage hung over Thrungur the Unbearable’s mind like the stench from a burned out village of filthy farmers on the second or third day after he himself had burned it, which, oddly enough, is what was making him so angry, the stench, that is, which was wafting downwind to the camp where his reavers had been sleeping off two days of rapine and debauchery but were now awakening with coughing and retching, the sound of which sent Thrungur looking for a bucket into which to empty the roiling contents of his stomach, and wishing he hadn’t decided to try the fermented goat’s milk last night: someone would pay for this and right soon.

[The Blaatschapen]

I would like to take this time to welcome you to our hiring process and give you a brief synopsis of the position's benefits and requirements.

After a period of only two weeks, what is 'the worst case of Squamous Cell Carcinoma' one of the patients specialists had ever seen, was shown to be in dramatic remission.

Or maybe I should not let my spam folder write my entries.

[Qazox]

As one is often want, upon the hour of their demise; James began to ponder exactly why the insurgents of Huamik, decided to choose him, out of all of the UN peace-keeping troops; to use as cannon fodder for their newly appropriated AK-47's.

[Farnhamia]

As one is often want, upon the hour of their demise; James began to ponder exactly why the insurgents of Huamik, decided to choose him, out of all of the UN peace-keeping troops; to use as cannon fodder for their newly appropriated AK-47's.

If I may ...

"wont" not "want"

delete the semicolon after "demise" and "troops", and the commas after "Huamik" and "him".

[Yaltabaoth]

"I DESPISE melodrama," he screamed as the half full, or possibly half-empty, I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, glass flew from his hand towards the great mirror-ball piñata that hung ominously over the dance floor, "and absolutely abhor alliteration, but," he added, almost as an aside, "I've never metaphor I didn't like."

[The Realm of God]

The King was yelling at his servent,who unfortuanatly for him forgotten to get the Kings lunch; the King roared "How dare you deny me of my lunch my nobal birthright of a lunch,how dare you defy me I am a Monarchy of an Absolute Monarchy lowly peasent," the servant legged it down the hallway whimpering; then the King said "Monarch did I say I was a Monarch yesterday I said I was an Enlightend Despot of my own Enlightend Despotism, oh well,"

[Forsher]

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

And variants, of course.

[Big Jim P]

"In the beginning....."

[Tahar Joblis]

The first mistake he made in life - notwithstanding conception, childbirth, circumcision, and baptism, which lamentable affairs had clearly been his parents' mistakes to make - was not crawling into a dumpster to die the first time his parents left him home alone for more than an hour, an event which managed not to pass until seven months later, and nineteen years, eleven months, and twenty eight days before he made the worst mistake of his life.

[Tmutarakhan]

One morning, as Gregor Samsa awoke from restless nightmares, he found himself transformed into a monstrous bunny.

[I V Stalin]

With no option but to plunge his blistered hand into the peristalsing, ichorous gut of the malevolently unhinged demigod, its head coruscating with a ghostly crown of electrical thorns, Simon vainly attempted to conceal from his onlooking father the deep revulsion he felt at effecting this sacrilegious act.

[Cannot think of a name]

Tacos everywhere, while usually a thing of beauty, today was going to lead to no good.

[Johz]

There was no-one around, except for the crowd that had gathered to watch the grand and chaotic performance, the janitor, and a family of starving eastern-African orphans, and as such, silence reigned.

Or maybe, this:

Consider, if you will, the utmost sincerity of the primary school teacher, her arms a-flailing, her voice a-rising, her children a-learning, for it is upon her breast that we are forced to rest for this tale, albeit in an entirely metaphorical way, as, such as in the greatest majority of primary schools, we must remain in a method of thought that is appropriate to the ages between five (5) and eleven (11), excepting of course the times when discourse is forced to attend higher realms of philosophy and metaphysical ponderance.

Which could be taken directly out of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea...

One morning, as Gregor Samsa awoke from restless nightmares, he found himself transformed into a monstrous bunny.

Now that I enjoyed...

[Mindhar]

One morning, as Gregor Samsa awoke from restless nightmares, he found himself transformed into a monstrous bunny.

A++ would definitely read.

[Jari Head]

It was a dark night in half the world, which is usual when the sun goes down, and in some parts of the dark half of the world it was also stormy, so it could be called a dark and stormy night.

[Forsher]

Today I saw a triple rainbow which was only forty rainbows less than the blades on my razor, equality is wonderful.

[Astrolinium]

Dear Diary,
This morning I woke up and drove around to local high schools so I could yell, "George shoots Lennie at the end of John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men" at random students; life is good.

[The Blaatschapen]

Dear Diary,
This morning I woke up and drove around to local high schools so I could yell, "George shoots Lennie at the end of John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men" at random students; life is good.

You know, I actually have that novel lying here, waiting for me to be read and now you spoiled the ending.

[Yaltabaoth]

"Expelliassus" Harry shouted, and as his bowel forcibly relaxed Draco doubled over in agony and humiliation, dropping his wand in the process.

[Wikkiwallana]

Well darn, I was hoping to do more than one entry. But this week was just too busy.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

He knew it would be a bizarre day when he woke up in bed hugging a Fluttershy pillow his cat had pissed on.

[New Rogernomics]

Santa came home early, a red blob, he collapsed onto the couch, depriving everyone of beer and potato chips. His over-sized form squashing the malnourished elves, forced to make toys for the evil children of Ayn Randistan, for 10 cents a day. The slave master, burped.