The NSG Bulwer-Lytton competition: WINNER ANNOUNCED!

[Ashmoria]

It was a dark and stormy night. A night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic. A night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters. A night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.

[Mindhar]

Geddes was a tall man, a tall man dressed in a tweed suit nearly as tall as he was.

This is a pretty great line on its own.

Since apparently we can do multiple entries here's another one:

Filled with incomparable sadness, Andrew began, quietly and with a sense of renewed clarity, to swivel.

[Astrolinium]

Alexander cha-chaed elegantly into the bar, proceeding thus to ascend upon the tender tender's moobs and receive a swift kick to the genital regions; this ritual he oft repeated, for Azabulzugagar with not even six years having passed had come to him and ordained it in exchange for the life of his darling Holka, whose hairy mole sent tingles down his abdomen every time he became cognizant of its proximity.

That's hilarious, so my vote goes for you.

Vote Astrolinium.

Why thank you, my good Norstal.

[Partybus]

As the water from the spiggot began to warm, somewhere deep within the building's plumbing system, the cloying smell of sulphur, so strong as to cause me to, in my mind's eye, return to my youth, clamming at low tide in Gloucester (Mass.), "who farted?" said the reverend...

[Partybus]

The morning was bright, bright as the sun which caused it to be so, shining through the shifting shimmering clouds which drifted aimlessly like lost fluffy sheep untethered in a vast open sky, contrasting sharply with the darkness of the night which had just come to a natural close as it did every morning; but as Thomas Tumblemac slept in that morning, like every morning, until early afternoon, that is not where our story begins.

This. Is. Terrible...

Me likey, very, very much...

[Partybus]

Alexander cha-chaed elegantly into the bar, proceeding thus to ascend upon the tender tender's moobs and receive a swift kick to the genital regions; this ritual he oft repeated, for Azabulzugagar with not even six years having passed had come to him and ordained it in exchange for the life of his darling Holka, whose hairy mole sent tingles down his abdomen every time he became cognizant of its proximity.

That's hilarious, so my vote goes for you.

Vote Astrolinium.

Seconded...

[The Archregimancy]

"Blast" ejaculated Major Geddes under his breath, his words swept away by the wind blasting across the blasted moors of North Yorkshire. Geddes was a tall man, a tall man dressed in a tweed suit nearly as tall as he was. The ten years in which he had lead North Yorkshire County Council to world domination had left its mark on his face: deep lines incised the florid purple cheeks like the work of a drunken ploughboy in a field next to a whiskery forest.

It was a dark and stormy night. A night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic. A night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters. A night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.

I'll politely point out that neither of the above entries - entertaining though they undoubtedly are - are eligible, as this is a competition to write an opening sentence, not an opening paragraph.

Since one definition of the word 'beyond' is

4. superior to; surpassing; above: wise beyond all others.

(from dictionary.com)
and this quote isn't above '50 to 60 words' and you didn't say what definition of 'beyond' I have to use, it's technically not against the rules.

The 50-60 word limit is a strong recommendation, not a hard and fast rule. However, entries which follow the word limit are more likely to be selected for the final 10.

Since apparently we can do multiple entries

Correct.

[Keronians]

It was another hot and smoggy day, and Matt, as usual, was staring dazingly at the girl he had loved for over four years; his entire being filling with a deep sense of longing and desire, but also anger and frustration at the realisation that she will never be his.

[Yaltabaoth]

In the aftermath of the expectoration contest, as the rank stench of bile slowly cleared in the gathering breeze, Lord Warburton couldn't help but reflect on the large mirror that his servants held up before him, because light is subject to fundamental laws of nature and cared not for such matters as rank.

[Yaltabaoth]

She urgently replied, "but what about one thousand pounds per square inch?", and at that moment I knew I was out of my depth.

I like this game

[Rambhutan]

"Hurry up and pack Maman" cried Delphine "the French Revolution could start at any moment".



The desert sun beat down on Carruthers like an angry pimp.

[Aethyopea]

Here's another one I did just to see what would happen. I took the 'it was a dark and stormy night' speech through Google Translate, putting it through each languag in alphabetical order, then back to English. I call it 'the tower of babel': a localisation nightmare. It may or may not count as English.

California shperthim perfshiu Deidroetorfin stuhishme saamdie. Efforts to prevent, detect AND Queen Street oblektshavanee dhunshem vrullshem luftuan kontrolluar erresires foldkulmet Practice intenzivisht Kullamaa llambave turbulluan AND writing, geography, London, Ruskin, Janet refers to secondary infections. עררעסירעסראסעאיזגעוועןניטאטיי

[Ashmoria]

"Blast" ejaculated Major Geddes under his breath, his words swept away by the wind blasting across the blasted moors of North Yorkshire. Geddes was a tall man, a tall man dressed in a tweed suit nearly as tall as he was. The ten years in which he had lead North Yorkshire County Council to world domination had left its mark on his face: deep lines incised the florid purple cheeks like the work of a drunken ploughboy in a field next to a whiskery forest.

It was a dark and stormy night. A night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic. A night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters. A night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.

I'll politely point out that neither of the above entries - entertaining though they undoubtedly are - are eligible, as this is a competition to write an opening sentence, not an opening paragraph.


.

oh thats OK ill just take out the periods.

It was a dark and stormy night, a night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic, a night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters, a night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.

[Astrolinium]

Once upon a time, there was a fat, gray koala - until Roget woke up in the morning and then there were six-hundred ninety-four and three tenths fat, gray koalas, only one of which was the original and all of them climbing on his fine china like so many West African albino weasels.

[Norstal]

A debate on Antidisestablishmentarianism is currently taking place in NationStates General, a superfluous activity that causes as much pain as Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, which amounts to floccinaucinihilipilification for the users of the forum, especially those who lives at Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

[Desperate Measures]

There was wonder and adventure in Harry Goldman's beady eyes as he set up his telescope on the roof of his '97 Chevy Impala, the metal crinkling beneath his feet as this was no place to stand but it did in fact offer a glorious view into the window of the octogenarian widow's bedroom as she unrolled sagging pantyhose from her varicose veined legs and removed her slimy dentures.

[Ovisterra]

Johnny felt a pang of remorse when the building exploded and his 63' Corvette sped out of the gates of the compound onto the twisting coastal road, several trucks of soldiers in hot pursuit, screaming for Johnny’s blood and unaware that very soon they’d be deader than a fly that had flown into a paddling pool on a hot summer’s day.

[Tmutarakhan]

it was my fault Archy started this, so I guess I'm obliged to enter

It was that kind of a Friday in Los Angeles, when precisely that kind of a dame sashayed into my office, her stiletto heels click-click-clicking like those annoying beetles that infested the place, only to die like toads on the freeway, that month when I couldn't get the landlord to do anything about it, because I hadn't made the rent after the check bounced from the last time I'd taken a case from that kind of a dame, but I greeted her "Hubba hubba!", because I'm just that kind of a private investigator, and yes, this is that kind of story.

[The Blaatschapen]

And here I was... hoping this would be a competition for bad OP sentences. Then again http://forum.nationstates.net/search.php?search_id=egosearch would just get submitted and we'd all be done with it.

[Wikkiwallana]

Are we allowed more than one entry?

[Forsher]

Are we allowed more than one entry?

Yes.

There were once three little brothers who worshiped their big brother.

[Yaltabaoth]

Are we allowed more than one entry?

Since apparently we can do multiple entries

Correct.

[Conserative Morality]

I was sitting in a coffeeshop, sipping my frappichino which softly burned my lips with my scarf in the middle of July working on my screenplay (It's pretty deep, I don't think you'd understand) when I suddenly realized all the sheeple around me were too wrapped up in The Man to ever appreciate my genius.

[Astrolinium]

She was sixteen and from Ipanema - he was thirty-seven and from Stuttgart - but that didn't stop their love from blossoming into a hit pop song with no relevance to the plot of this story.

I was sitting in a coffeeshop, sipping my frappichino which softly burned my lips with my scarf in the middle of July working on my screenplay (It's pretty deep, I don't think you'd understand) when I suddenly realized all the sheeple around me were too wrapped up in The Man to ever appreciate my genius.

Story of my life, bruh.

[Yaltabaoth]

Witchfinder General Price of the Spanish Inquisition glanced up from his notes and was momentarily startled by his own reflection, causing him to mutter to himself "Well, I didn't expect me!"