The Spenson Star
January 20
Vying for varsity...but short of the mark
For student-athletes in colleges across the country, this season was supposed to be different. After intramural and club competition, association football was meant to be recognized as a varsity sport, with regular season champions meeting to compete in the grandiosely named "Starways Congressional Collegiate Championships" (SC^3, as those Forbridge wags have already dubbed it).
And, indeed, the seasons were played! The champions were crowned! The AIU Sparks (but who else, really?), the College of the Riverside Rats (sensationally pipping out the University of 102d, who have less-than-sportingly declared their intentions to institute one of the proverbial "takilan conspiracies" next season), the University of Twineur Cheetahs, the Mursbayley College Doves--all won their conferences. All tried to go on.
And none were particularly pleased when it was revealed that--with many lines having been apathetically redrawn after years left in disuse, to say nothing of the overgrown grass and/or accumulated snow--the stadia were too small to be accredited.
Of course, expecting the government of all entities to do anything about it would be far too much to ask. Considering their reaction last time Zwangzug bid to host a "regional tournament" (some kind of Olympic trial?), benign neglect is about the best they can do. And this being football, the kids are lucky they don't press their luck when it comes to talking to the government. Staying decentralized and coordinating intercollegiate competitions by e-mail is about the best they can do. Of course it would be the AIU where all of this began, but as soon as people start trying to come together in anywhere larger than an abandoned dorm room, who's to say it won't be the Drury Depot all over again?
In a press release, Violet McGuffin (senior Spark) tried anyway. "Clearly we're disappointed by this result. It's yet more evidence of what we've been saying all along - sport in this country is severely underfunded. With more checks from the government, we could start upgrading sporting venues across the country. This would definitely count in our favor when we submit our next bid. Because let's face it, the rest of the region isn't likely to bid against us."
"Sport," Ms. McGuffin? Just the one? Though I'm not complaining; at least she's gotten everyone to call it football again.
January 21
Meetch's Musings (Mohammed Dimitrov, triweekly column)
Wouldn't you know it, Zwangzug has a crop of young people taking charge of their own athletic futures--and by extension, the rest of ours. Not the minor league baseball players, not...whatever they're trying to pass off as a sport these days, but footballers. Footballers in universities and colleges, who had arranged their own regional championship--and then got rid of it because the old fields had been mismeasured by a few feet here or there.
They rejected us because of a few feet of grass? That's crazy! Sport isn't about rules, it's about having fun and getting fit! When we were kids, we could have a great time with just a stick and a couple of rocks – there were no rulebooks or standardized playing fields. We should encourage kids to get out there and have fun; who cares about a few silly rules?
Let the kids have their fun, and someone make sure the organizers of this whole thing make something of their youthful energy. Olympic committee organizers, anyone?
January 23
Letters to the Editor
To whom it may concern,
I note with concern Mohammed Dimitrov's editorial of January 21, encouraging the SC^3 to go ahead even in the absence of properly accredited fields. Dimitrov writes "Sport isn't about rules, it's about having fun and getting fit," and then wonders "who cares about a few silly rules?" But this is quite the jump in logic. By the same token. Dimitrov's columns are not "about" Descriptive English; they are about whichever sport he's decided to rail about on the day. But without some understanding of which letters fit together to make words, and how grammar strings words into sentences, there is no coherent way of understanding his column. Similarly, while sports are about having fun, rules give them some context to make them make sense. Structure and joy should go hand-in-hand.
Dimitrov responds: Thanks for reading. I think we both know that there are some rules that, if broken, give some teams or individuals an unfair advantage over their opponents or make the game unrecognizable; these are the ones that rulebooks are drawn up and rightfully used to prevent. But there are also some specifications that, if slightly ignored, don't give either team an unfair advantage or fundamentally alter the game, just...change it up a bit, and I would say that the field dimensions are in this category. (Are you, or were you, a Zwangzugian football fan? I feel like I shouldn't have to remind you of this distinction!)
January 24
Certain events occurring on a football field in Nikaunt, Stoal:
3:30 PM: Drop-off (by parents trusting that their preadolescent offspring will be perfectly safe at the local park, but not trusting said offspring to organize such an endeavor; compare "pick-up") game begins, nominally in support of SC^3.
3:38: Bennett siblings arrive, having missed the previous train.
3:43: Setup changes to boys versus girls, as no one besides Marv and Christine can remember who's on their team.
3:49: Really big booger triumphantly removed from Wilbur's nose.
3:50: Georg and Konnor recruited to haul goals closer together and make the field smaller. Everyone is getting cold and thinks running around will warm them up.
3:57: Naomi appears to redefine "booting it in."
4:04: Marv's goal ties the game. Or does it?
4:05: Konnor thinks Naomi was out of bounds before scoring and her goal never counted.
4:06: Hanna says her dad said that people said in the papers that there weren't really rules so nothing really counts.
4:10: Todd points out that if it's not showing up on the scoreboard, it doesn't really count.
4:12: Naomi, undeterred, takes the initiative to scrawl Naomi was here on the scoreboard with her highlighter.
4:13: Others follow suit (not referring to Naomi, though, that would be silly).
4:14: Christine, by then really bored and cold, wants to start a campfire or something on the field. She's seen something like that on TV. This fails due to lack of matches (and perhaps abundance of snow).
4:25: Parents pick everybody up.
January 25
Reply all--e-mails interchanged by SC^3 would-be participants.
12:17 Tyler Gantemart:
Wow, dude wasn't kidding about the Olympic thing!
1:03 Daniel Yosto:
Yeah, the administrative people were surprisingly willing to work with "us" (kind of) on that point. I mean, we have mountains and stuff already, right? But by and large, most of them are from other schools.
1:13: Jenna Getti-McRian:
I'm about to crash and maybe this doesn't make sense, but other schools...how? Last I checked we didn't have varsity for this kind of thing so what do they do, stick up signs in the gyms being like "Hey I heard you like sports, try luge or something?"
8:36 Daniel Yosto: Yeah, that's actually exactly what happens.
9:02: Bryan Herbert-Lenmaki:
Look. If it doesn't matter to the international community, and the size of our region rather strongly implies that it does not, go ahead and play the thing as it is now. (Well, not now now. Wait till spring.) It's not going to make a difference, it'll still be our championship.
9:51: Wigstan Buter:
If the government was as bureaucratic and inefficient as you think--even as it looks like it is, on some issues--I would agree with you. But if we push just a little harder, they will give way. People are already rounding on Dimitrov--rules are rules, win or lose, and all we need is more time to let him dig himself in a hole. By next season they should cave. Sucks for the seniors, but there are all the rest of us, and we deserve decent fields too eventually.
Guilt is a powerful force. If it wasn't for one dumb local government before we would never be having this conversation, and we need to make sure everyone knows that. They can't seriously put up with this much longer.
10:57 Claire Worr: Speaking of pushing at it a little harder, lol, BUBL is at it again. Persistence is a virtue I guess.
11:46: Jan Smavis:
Not that I am condoning your, er, emotional appeals, but everyone's heard about Spenson, yes? spensonstar.net.zz/news/local/vandalism_park
12:28: Katie Crubian-Permonoser:
The government's inefficiency...the government's incompetence...
You guys, I think we're just massively behind the curve.
The Academy Football League, which originated in Paripana and has now spread worldwide, has offered to include multiple conferences from all over. They have fancy brackets. They have trophy games. They have global ambitions. They want us! If we ask nicely to join, maybe they'll build us new fields.
1:02: Violet McGuffin:
Whoa. That would be a big step, indeed. Not that I want to rule it out right away, but have you considered the costs of travel? You'd all have to play two other conferences, and rotate--so when you got other schools here, it'd be fine, but I really can't see the athletic departments at your schools raising, or asking the rest of the school for, the kind of money needed to send you out to wherever else you were going. As soon build new fields and play all the games here.
1:17: Katie Crubian-Permonoser:
But how many of us are there? If there were enough conferences we could probably make the case that we should just play all our games here.
2:30: Violet McGuffin:
That were going varsity? Probably not that many, and even if there were, we're back to Bryan's "just do it all here and forget the rest of the world" stratagem.
2:51: Abhinav Darzi:
Er, not sure if you guys missed this point, but AFL conferences need to be twelve teams each. We'd have to divide and reform.
3:02: Katie Crubian-Permonoser:
So what? Conferences can be different for different sports. I think.
3:38: Jan Smavis:
And this could be a golden opportunity to have a lot of fun with it. If we need more than one twelve-team conference, I'd like to propose the "Big Eleven" and the "Small Thirteen."
4:03: Abhinav Darzi:
Now that's the kind of idea that could sway my vote.
January 27
Cut the waffle; no to AFL
We're not short, we're fun-sized!
Bleeper by the dozen
"They can't actually think," said Violet McGuffin, "that the league would be pronounced "awful"?"
Theo Kinwand shrugged.
"I didn't know we had so many nationalists on campus, anyway."
"Maybe they're just statists."
"It was only a suggestion!"
"I mean, it hasn't seemed to hurt Ad’ihan or Civil Citizenry anyway."
"If we...if we actually go ahead with it, and you play against teams from Civil Citizenry, you have to promise me that you'll make all the good jokes."
"Make the pep band promise."
"When the protesters move aside and let me get through," she said, looking out the window.
There weren't very many protesters, relatively speaking, but all the same. It was just some e-mails they sent around. Did Katie have to deal with that kind of thing?
"It's okay," said Theo, "I made a sign for them, too. So we're even."
"Theo..."
He pulled out a rumpled piece of notebook paper and stuck it in front of the window. Backwards, Violet could read it; GO JUMP IN A LAKE.
"Nice one," mouthed one of the protesters through the window. He seemed sincere--amused, but appreciative.
"And what's that group?" Violet said, narrowing her eyes as another group passed by.
"Oh, just students visiting."
"And this is the picture they get of us?"
Theo shrugged. "Give them time. Five years from now, things will be different. A lot can change in half a decade."
Violet shrugged in reply, hers more dubious. "I guess."
"...Five years?"
"Yes?"
"You know?"
"What?"
"E-mail this morning. Five years ago today."
She turned to look at him. "I...was...in...high school? So were you."
"Yeah, but what happened?"
"I...I don't remember, what?"
"National football team. Left for Quakmybush and their first-ever games."
"I'll quack your bush, you say that was five years ago. Half a century, maybe."
"Five years, that's what it said."
"Can't be right."
"Uh-huh. So did they leave before the bleeping Consolidation? Or is this the future?"
"I think it's the future."
"Where's my flying car?"
"Banned--it's an environmental hazard. To the space environment, I mean."
Theo giggled. "And my lunar colony?"
"Uh, people got killed on the first flights up. Government shelved it. Pansies."
"And my pet robot?"
"Oh, us in the compsci department totally built some. Sent 'em to colonize Pluto but they got lost in the time machine."
And they laughed together. "You almost convinced me."
"Fifty years. For the team, at least."
There was something in the way she said it that made him turn his head. "You sound so sure."
"How did you get into football?"
"Well...I...didn't make the baseball team. Saw this and went for it."
"And why football? Why not something else?"
"There aren't that many options, all told."
"I guess."
"What?"
"I mean, did you...like. Were you into it as a kid or something?"
Theo scrunched up his nose. "I mean, my brother...he would just do the "how many times can you kick it up" trick. He claims he was trying to play broomball but there wasn't enough snow so a couple of people who were passing through brought out a football and a bunch of them started kicking it around. We'd go out and play after school a couple times a week for a while, that's where I really learned to dribble."
"A couple people? Men or women? Peridune or Namirite? Kids or grownups?"
"Dunno."
"Sounds a lot like what happened to me. Only it was baseball."
"So what?"
"So you're from Ecklam and I'm from Naspe."
"Huh," said Theo. "I mean, I'd heard stories, but--"
"But..."
"Fifty years."
Violet glanced outside. "The protesters are gone."
"They liked my sign."
"No," Violet gasped, the truth dawning on her--the only building in the direction their footprints led was the old gym. "No. They have a bleeping intramural football game."
