The Spartan Philidelphia Almost Anything Corporation

[Spartan Philidelphia]

This is New Korongo, we want two tunnels, one connecting Linkwater and Korongo City and the other going along the other black line.

Beginning Construction of Some Tunnels

However, like any construction project, this will take a relatively long time. Updates will have to be requested as my office workers tend to pretend to be frustrated so as to seem busy at times. Surveyors are being sent to the relevant locations. And we just need to know exactly how long these distances are.

I would like a size that is 5x bigger than the Russian empire at it's height. This should be a tight fit, but it will offer protection from all of the diseases I could be getting. Thank you.

Sold Large Item

Success! Although many have doubted, these condoms has been successfully tested on a succulent banana. It can be as stretched from Eastern Europe, across Asia, and onto Alaska TIMES FIVE! Now you too, can experience MAXIMUM COMFORT! as it was envisioned long ago by someone. Sexually Transmitted Diseases will be a thing of the past!

*If these Five Trillion condoms do not fit, then you will still have to pay for them.

Not Edit: Oh noes, some text on this post has faded out slightly. I must blame and fire someone right away!

[Spartan Philidelphia]

Due to recent events, if a customer has posted an order after this post, he/she/it will have to do it again.

[Valtieres]

The Commonwealth of Valtieres demands a secret transaction of irradiated chicken wings. I want the isotopes embedded in the chicken wings to have a shelf-life of at least a week, but still be prevalent enough to kill someone. A bucket of 10 would be nice.

[Spartan Philidelphia]

The Commonwealth of Valtieres demands a secret transaction of irradiated chicken wings. I want the isotopes embedded in the chicken wings to have a shelf-life of at least a week, but still be prevalent enough to kill someone. A bucket of 10 would be nice.

Irradiated Chicken Wings Not Sold

I'm sure you are aware of this company's logistics problem. SPAAC is unable to provide items which involve the letter "W." within it. It is not that we do not like you; it is because the universe hates our top-notch service. We are sorry for the inconvenience. You may try ordering a "different" item if you'd like.

[Valtieres]

The Commonwealth of Valtieres demands a secret transaction of irradiated chicken wings. I want the isotopes embedded in the chicken wings to have a shelf-life of at least a week, but still be prevalent enough to kill someone. A bucket of 10 would be nice.

Irradiated Chicken Wings Not Sold

I'm sure you are aware of this company's logistics problem. SPAAC is unable to provide items which involve the letter "W." within it. It is not that we do not like you; it is because the universe hates our top-notch service. We are sorry for the inconvenience. You may try ordering a "different" item if you'd like.

Alright. We demanded Irradiated Chicken Drumsticks.

Is that better?

[Voik]

i would like 2,000 nuclear submarines please

[The Corparation]

We wish to purchase a dryer. And some Dreyer's Ice cream. Some rootbeer would be nice too.

[Christantle]

I want to purchase 1 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL Condom. Roughly 50 times larger than the British Empire at it's maximum size.

[Spartan Philidelphia]

To: You
From: The Spartan Philidelphia Almost Anyhting Corporation
Date: December 23, 2010
Subject: Happy Holidays from the deeply Pastafarian Company of Spartan Philidelphia Almost Anything Corporation

Thankfully, it has come to our attention that it is time to take a break. New orders will not be accepted at this time nor shall existing ones be fulfilled until after we've made sure that every one of our employees is sober and illegal drug-free! Services will resume on January the Foruth in the year Twenty-Eleven. We ask that none of you die before you give us your money. Have a Wonderful Time! May you also be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

[New Korongo]

We would like to order a high explosive cure for cancer

[Spartan Philidelphia]

Alright. We demanded Irradiated Chicken Drumsticks.

Is that better?

Sold Irradiated Chicken Drumsticks

Yes, my curious customer, it is better! With chicken, you can do anything. It's the "other white meat," you know, besides Europeans. We all know how that turned out, don't we?

WITH MICROWAVES!

i would like 2,000 nuclear submarines please

Sold 2,000 Nuclear Submarines

2,000 of 'em! A comfortable living space for the all-American nuclear family. And they're nuclear too. Mitosis and all that. Plus, we've installed nuclear submarines inside of them for maximum protection against crabs, crabs, and brain parasites from lolcats.

We wish to purchase a dryer. And some Dreyer's Ice cream. Some rootbeer would be nice too.

Sold a dryer, some Dreyer's Ice Cream, and some Root beer

The dryers will blow dry your mind. Due to lack of room, root beer and ice cream mashed together. Floaty.

I want to purchase 1 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL Condom. Roughly 50 times larger than the British Empire at it's maximum size.

Sold That

However, it seems to have been lost somewhere inside the factory. I have sent out a couple to find it for you. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

To: You
From: The Spartan Philidelphia Almost Anyhting Corporation
Date: December 23, 2010
Subject: Happy Holidays from the deeply Pastafarian Company of Spartan Philidelphia Almost Anything Corporation

Thankfully, it has come to our attention that it is time to take a break. New orders will not be accepted at this time nor shall existing ones be fulfilled until after we've made sure that every one of our employees is sober and illegal drug-free! Services will resume on January the Foruth in the year Twenty-Eleven. We ask that none of you die before you give us your money. Have a Wonderful Time! May you also be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Yes! Excellent! Right on time! Today is obviously January 4th, 2011. Not a later date. If it is, point it out to me along with your current place of residence and preferred method of death. We will serve* you as swiftly as possible, for free.

*Irradiated Drumsticks! WITH MICROWAVES!

We would like to order a high explosive cure for cancer

Sold Anti-Matter

The opposite of matter, anti-matter. The FSM sure knows how to have fun, doesn't he? Give some of this to your cancer friends, and I guarantee that the cancer will be gone in a flash.

[Spartan Philidelphia]

(Image)
This is New Korongo, we want two tunnels, one connecting Linkwater and Korongo City and the other going along the other black line.

Oh yes, and I suppose your tunnels is complete!

Built Tunnels!

Built to your specifications. It was such an experience, I had to go to Google to find a picture of tunnels and then paste it on to here!





Edit: I have just realized that the first picture looks like absolute crap. Please, I didn't mean to use it. It's my intern's fault. It's not even a tunnel! It's just a hole in a wall! An amazing hole, in an interestingly shaped wall, but just that!

Edit 2: Actually, it's a portal! Portals count as tunnels, right? Be amazed!

Edit 3: Oh wait, it's just a picture found on Google, why should anyone care? It's my intern's fault anyway.

Edit 4: Typo
Edit 5: It's not my fault, you astronomically stupid shit. I quit!
Edit 6: I don't have an intern.

[Orlkjestad]

Ailoooooo!

Weer heer de smorgisbord! Weer heer de smorgisbord! Heeringe, pleease! Suussshi, tou! WMD, ya!

[Oceanic Vakiadia]

Could we purchase a solid gold statue of our Supreme Imperial Master shooting a penguin?
As well as 100,000,000 penguin-shaped targets made out of eucalyptus wood?

[Spartan Philidelphia]

Ailoooooo!

Weer heer de smorgisbord! Weer heer de smorgisbord! Heeringe, pleease! Suussshi, tou! WMD, ya!

Sold Sweden and Denmark (Greenland not included)

Sold "Contracted" Sushi Chefs

I'm quite sure that this particular country: Sweden, has all the necessary items in your shopping list: smorgisbord, heeringe, WMD, ya. And as a bonus, we'll throw in the rest of Scandinavia. Be sure to wipe the #1 happiness out of their deluded minds. Perhaps with those WMDs? And Denmark. Everybody knows happiness is relative anyway. And that the Danish have never done anything for us.

I suppose with so much coastline, fish needn't be needed. However, cheap Asian labor will definitely help boost the manufacturing capacity of your nation by 4%! Nice accent by the way, is it Sarah Palinish?


Norway, Sweden, and Finland. And Denmark, apparently.

Could we purchase a solid gold statue of our Supreme Imperial Master shooting a penguin?
As well as 100,000,000 penguin-shaped targets made out of eucalyptus wood?

A Solid Gold Statue of Your Supreme Imperial Master Shooting a Penguin

100,000,000 Penguin-Shaped Targets Made Out of Eucalyptus Wood

In ancient Spartan Philidelphian lore, penguins are evil expansionists who do not feel content with control of the Antarctic continent and sea and launch a campaign to sieze the entire world and... actually, that was never found out. Bears of all kinds and humans of all kinds put aside their own petty differences to work together and save the planet from black and white doom. However, that is a story for another time.

We threw in an additional 900,000,000 targets. I doubt there are still that many penguin left after the advancement of weaponry which decimated the crudely made forts and trenches of the penguins, but scientists suggest that they might have gone underground! Tread carefully! But do tread on them if you can. They're not so dangerous in small numbers.

Solid Gold and Eucalyptus Wood it is!

[Oceanic Vakiadia]

Thank you, it's good to hear we are not the only ones who know that penguins are a threat to civilization itself.

[Secantrine]

To: SPAAC

URGENT

The Colony of Secantrine is in a dire need of the following: A small, semi-amphibious(like killer whales) and fast craft CARGO SUBMARINE capable of withstanding heavy firefights and can support 2 motorcycles, 2 ATV's, 4 Artificial Tomboyish Humanoids and 60Kg worth of crates containing salvaged materials to be reprocessed. It will be immediately deployed in Greater Tezdrian for a rendezezvous point.

Due to our current economic situation, we will instead pay back with a customized, all-weather mini-submarine capable of small and covert operations in major sewer systems, rivers, lakes and other medium-large bodies of water.

"Name it whatever you want, as long as it gets our girls back safely." ~Bifauxnen Command Leader

EDIT: Navy is ALL over the place.

[Vakolic]

We are wanting to be making of the purchase of the thing that is known sometimes maybe as an godgmark. We are also doing the wanting of the thing that you humans are calling the "earth." We are also doing the wanting of that big thing in what you are calling the skie. We are paying the money when we are hearing of your confirmation of the order that was made by the us.

[Oceanic Vakiadia]

We would like to buy 100 Intelligent sharks with imperialist beliefs. Preferably alive.

[Bisgea]

We would like to order this:

A genetically mutated creature that has the head and body of a man, the wings flight devices of a penguin, legs of a lion, and tail of a pig.

[Spartan Philidelphia]

Thank you, it's good to hear we are not the only ones who know that penguins are a threat to civilization itself.

The Penguin shall never be mightier than the sword of civilization!

To: SPAAC

URGENT

The Colony of Secantrine is in a dire need of the following: A small, semi-amphibious(like killer whales) and fast craft CARGO SUBMARINE capable of withstanding heavy firefights and can support 2 motorcycles, 2 ATV's, 4 Artificial Tomboyish Humanoids and 60Kg worth of crates containing salvaged materials to be reprocessed. It will be immediately deployed in Greater Tezdrian for a rendezezvous point.

Due to our current economic situation, we will instead pay back with a customized, all-weather mini-submarine capable of small and covert operations in major sewer systems, rivers, lakes and other medium-large bodies of water.

"Name it whatever you want, as long as it gets our girls back safely." ~Bifauxnen Command Leader

EDIT: Navy is ALL over the place.

Hmm... war, eh? The Spartan Philidelphia Almost Anything Corporation, although a fine MEDIOCRE purveyor in things not relating to the world of war craft, can not be trusted to sell quality items which directly have something to do with killing. In fact, it will so surely be crap.

We suggest that you instead head over to another storefront for whatever you need. (Of course, we will attempt to sell you the crap if you'd like.)

We are wanting to be making of the purchase of the thing that is known sometimes maybe as an godgmark. We are also doing the wanting of the thing that you humans are calling the "earth." We are also doing the wanting of that big thing in what you are calling the skie. We are paying the money when we are hearing of your confirmation of the order that was made by the us.

Sold "an Godgmark"

It is one of the best Godgmarks we- NO! It is the great Godgmark SPAAC has ev- No! Not even that! It is simply, the most amazing Godgmark in the world! I hope this Godgmark will serve whatever purpose you have in mind for it satisfactorily. Once we get enough MONIES, we will work on making the best items list. This will be the 2nd to top! What the hell is a an Godgmark?

Also a reminder to everyone, wires me the monies.

Sold "Earth"

5. the solid matter of this planet; dry land; ground.
6. soil and dirt, as distinguished from rock and sand; the softer part of the land.

Source: Dictionary.com

Sold Made a "Contract" with a "Skie[r]?"

It is quite an honest mistake to not type in a letter. I find myself doing it sometimes. Have a wonderful time.
And yes, I confirm of this order.

We would like to buy 100 Intelligent sharks with imperialist beliefs. Preferably alive.

Sold 100 Intelligent Sharks with Imperialist Beliefs, Alive

I'm not sure at all why a shark would have imperialist beliefs, but it wasn't difficult to secure most of them. Are you going to use them in your war against the penguin menace? If so, I also suggest employing leopard seals. Natural predators and all that.

We would like to order this:

A genetically mutated creature that has the head and body of a man, the wings flight devices of a penguin, legs of a lion, and tail of a pig.

Sold Genetically-Mutated Creature with the Head and Body of a Man, the Flight Devices of a Penguin, Legs of a Lion, and a Tail of a Piggy

Unfortunately, penguins are unable to fly. They can, however, swim quite well. Know your enemy! And with this order, ends what I believe is an entire post of nonsense. Damn penguins.

[Christantle]

Christantle require the keys to the S.P.A.A.C.

[Spartan Philidelphia]

Christantle require the keys to the S.P.A.A.C.

Sold the Keys to SPAAC

You want it? It's yours my friend, as long as you wire me the money. In fact, when you buy a limited edition key to SPAAC, not only do you get a limited edition key to SPAAC, but a free one with every purchase!

Note: It only works for a day, so use it wisely.

[Christantle]

Christantle require the keys to the S.P.A.A.C.

Sold the Keys to SPAAC

You want it? It's yours my friend, as long as you wire me the money. In fact, when you buy a limited edition key to SPAAC, not only do you get a limited edition key to SPAAC, but a free one with every purchase!

Note: It only works for a day, so use it wisely.

I meant the Socially Progressive Assosiation at Christantle ofcourse

[Spartan Philidelphia]

Sold the Keys to SPAAC

You want it? It's yours my friend, as long as you wire me the money. In fact, when you buy a limited edition key to SPAAC, not only do you get a limited edition key to SPAAC, but a free one with every purchase!

Note: It only works for a day, so use it wisely.

I meant the Socially Progressive Assosiation at Christantle ofcourse

A free key with every purchase!