Galactic Empire HoloNet News [FT | IC Closed]

by **New Dornalia** » Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:38 pm

*cuts to Louise juggling chainsaws and looking at a book, called, "Danny Donovan's Guide to Chainsaw Juggling." The Producer speaks.*

"Lou! We're on!"

*Louise gasps, and gets ready--neglecting the chainsaws. One of them falls through the gap, and slams into the floor, through it, and into a breakroom below. A scream is heard, followed by klaxons, a horse, and a solid WHOOM! A simple, "I'm okay! It's just coffee!" is heard. The producer takes the Chainsaws from a sheepish Louise.*

*opening music.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President Macintyre today accepted the generous offer from the Quorum and the Speaker, adding simply, "I thank them for understanding, and I likewise, have come to the conclusion that after this term, I will not seek, or accept, another nomination for President of the UCK. Let us end this national nightmare together."

In other news, Japanese Home Islands Police Force, the police force for the Japanese Home Islands which have been the subject of so much turmoil has announced that it will maintain a permanent "Anti-Cylon Patrol" to ensure future compliance with the laws.

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

A gruesome discovery in the City of London has the city's police on high alert, as a second corpse in two days found burned to a crisp was discovered in the Whitechapel district. This marks, obviously, the second such corpse found in the City in the past two days, which has the city on edge.

Sensei Emma McKinnon of the Temple of Greater London, who is currently heading up the investigation along with Detective Solomon Howard of New Scotland Yard, has this to say.

"I urge all residents of the City of London to remain calm. London Metropolitan Police and the Vanguardiers are working to apprehend this individual so as to bring him or her to justice for their crimes.

I can only say this much about the current state of the investigation. The recent corpse was a male, John Statler, an employee of the Royal London Hospital, and his corpse was found five blocks from said institution. An autopsy is ongoing as we speak, as well as an investigation into potential witnesses as well as forensic analysis of the crime scene. Thank you."

*a reporter's hand goes up*

"What of the reports that two doctors were also abducted eight blocks from Royal London Hospital? A Dr. Kleinschmidt, and a Dr. Gorobets?"

*Emma replies simply*

"Given the location of the abduction and the proximate timeframe of their abduction, we won't rule out that their abduction was tied to the killings. However, we cannot say for sure."

*Another reporter holds her hand up.*

"What of reports that the London Metropolitan Police is focusing its search around the Whitechapel area, and that this individual may be a copycat killer imitating the Boris the Bastard?"

*Emma shoots him down*

"I'm not authorized to comment on the former, and it's rather tasteless to speculate on the latter, thank you."

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

News of the peaceful resolution of the crisis plaguing the United Colonies has caused stocks to rise as investors are breathing a sigh of relief. In particular, HT Industries's stock soared after it was discovered that the firm which was the subject of the Cleansing, General Microprocessors K.K., was an active competitor to HT Industries which had proven particularly tenacious and litigious.

*cuts to Louise juggling chainsaws again. She delivers the news as she speaks.*

"Coming up next. The 72 hour Run Like Hell Diet. Find out what it is, and why it may or may not work for you!"

*cuts to an image of a Roman Centurion. He's standing proud in the Las Vegas Strip. He sneers at the casinos in front of him and goes dismissively.*

"What manner of barbarism is this!? Cheap buffets. Chintzy dens of iniquity. This will not do for Caesar!"

*A Roman woman in a toga walks up to the Centurion and pokes him. She points to a magnificent building and goes*

"Perhaps this will do for Caesar?"

*Cuts to a scene of the Centurion playing craps, with Frank Sinatra's "Blue Moon." He facepalms in anguish as he loses his cash.*

"Doh!"

*cuts to another scene of the Centurion drinking at a bar with the Roman woman. The music continues, as the two clink martini glasses.*

"Render Unto Caesar..."

"...What Is Caesar's, Dear."

*cuts to the Centurion in swimming trunks, with helmet on. He's on a diving board, and he then does a swan dive, screaming*

"AVE!"

*He makes a big splash, to the amusement of the tourists, and he then puts his arms around the Roman woman, who's in a bikini. He beams and gives a thumbs up to the screen, speaking:*

"Now this, is fit for Caesar!"

*cuts to a title card, reading:*

"Roma Imperia Casino. Fit for an Emperor."

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:29 am

This is Stacy Warner, with Caprica City News Network, the most unbiased, accurate news around the Fourteen Colonies of Kobol, and abroad.

Our top story tonight

--- Riots in the Colonies ---

According to Caprica City’s Global Defense Department, the riots around Caprica have subsided. Leaving in the wake of the riots across this planet and many others, over four billion cubits worth of damages, including public and private sector estimates.

The Colonial Marshals released a press statement today, saying that similar news is being reported across Aeralon, Virgon, Saggitarion, Scorpia and Tauron.

--- The Quorum of Fourteen ---

Today, Representative Anthony Chaffin of Virgon today was sworn in as Speaker of the Quorum. We now go live to Caprica City, where Speaker Anthony Chaffin is about to make his speech. As we all know, Rep. Chaffin is the first cousin of Empress Lavia Flenza, wife of Emperor Gaius Chaffin the Second of Virgon. Virgon is the last remaining monarchy in the Colonies of Kobol.

The Television shows a man, in about his mid fifties approach the stage. In the background, the national anthem played. In the back ground, the flag of the United Colonies flowed, as around him, The Quourm stood in the background. Admiral Debruyn could be seen in the audience.

“My fellow Colonials and Dornies, our friends and allies around the Galactic Empire, and our friends abroad. Today is a hallmark day for the United Colonies of Kobol. Coming out of a crisis of faith, and a test of our strength and resolve, by the godless heathens of the island of Japan, The United Colonies of Kobol has proven that it can withstand any crisis. Together, the fourteen colonies, our Auspices, Territories and Counties have proven to this galaxy, that we shall not allow any threat to this grand republic, neither foreign nor domestic.”

“I know many of our partners within the Galactic Empire, and our various other alliances stood in wonder amongst the latest debacle if this union would stand. As your new speaker of the Quorum, I am here to tell you, that the Colonies have never been stronger.”

“The United Colonies is one of the greatest nations in the galaxy. Each planet is diverse, with it’s own unique cultural differences, different perspectives and differing opinions. Some wondered if these differences would result into a civil war. Today, we have proven that our differences are not a vice but a virtue. When it comes time for actions, Capricans, Taurons, Virgonese, Dornies, and Picese come together. Our differing perspectives allows the United Colonies to remain at the forefront of innovation, and with our friends and allies, the Colonies remain a staple of the Beta Quadrant, for a strong and stable society.”

“I would like to thank my predecessor, Andrea Hester of Gemenon. As the first Speaker of the Quorum, since the re-foundation of the republic, in the wake of Admiral Helena’s Cain’s Rule, she charted unexplored waters, and her legacy is one that will be difficult to follow.”

“Two thousand years go, when the Virgos Empire ruled the Colonies, our colonies were strong and united, under one flag and one banner. Although our Empire fell, and in it’s wake Caprica rose, the principles that defined our empire still hold true today, as they did two thousand years ago. Justice, Safety, and Security. It is these three words that shall guide my judgment in the Quorum. No longer, shall we abide any one colony a blank check, to do what they wish. I as speaker promise to be the watch dog for the president, and the Admiral of the fleet. A tragedy like we had last week shall not occur again.”

“No longer can we abide in semi isolationism. As of this moment, I promise to all of our friends and allies, that the United Colonies of Kobol shall work closer with our friends and allies abroad. The Galaxy is a dangerous place, and through the Galactic Empire, the trade routes of the Abh, and the deals with the Morningstar Coalition shall we bring stability to this wild region of space.”

“With our shipyards, and our labs, I pledge to work closely with our allies, such as the Mythrindars, to build up allies navies. We shall promote the Rangers and their peace keeping agendas. Through support to the Bloody hand, we shall hunt down crimimal force users who wish to use their disease to subvert the common man to bring entire nations to their knees in their tyranny. With this new pledge of conjoined ventures, we shall bring peace to the beta quadrant, and uphold the Galactic Empire's policy of Victory without War.”

“As my first act as Speaker of the Quorum, I approve the measure purposed by Grand Moff Nixon, and Empress Eclipse of the Huntarian Empire to begin work on new technologies, to safeguard the Galactic Empire, and the United Colonies of Kobol.”

“Thank you all, and may the lords of Kobol bless the fourteen colonies of Kobol, and all under her rule.”

The Speaker turned and walked off the stage.

---Foreign News---

Yesterday, the Celestial Republic announced the creation of the Death Star, to compliment their naval abilities in the name of self defense. We go to a live satellite feed to Mr. Joseph Ricardo, of Scorpia Shipyards to discuss the details.”

A younger man, with olive colored skin, and jet black hair appeared on the screen. He wore a fine and expensive black suit. “Hello Stacy, how are things in Caprica?”

“Things are going very well.” Stacy said with a smile. “Tell us your opinion of this new Celestial Republic Death Star?”

He smiled, ‘Either the Celestial Republic has taken a page from the Dornie ex-president Ronald Reagan, and lied to the international community in an attempt to start an arms race to bankrupt the other nations of the galaxy, or they themselves have just fallen apart as an Republic.”

Stacy’s eyebrow raised. “What do you mean?” she asked

“The Death Star is a large super weapon capable of destroying a planet, but more importantly it is extremely expensive. During the First Galactic Empire, it took the resources of the Entire alliance, including Coruscant to keep the station up and running. One nation alone can not afford such a feat.”

“The death star is a massive moon shaped station, and assuming that they created the technologically inferior Death Star Model 1, then the cost of the hull, with engines and computer systems alone would cost an estimated $884,736,000,000,000, of their Republic Credits. This is just an estimate for the basic hull and frame, with sub light engines and computers, along with the power supply. This estimate does not include the Fifteen thousand turbo lasers on board, nor the hundreds upon thousands of fighters, and massive shield generators, yet alone hyperspace drives and super laser. This is the base foundation of the Death Star mark 1. The Mark 2 is even more expensive.”

He smiled. “Now according to the intergalactic watch dog on national economies, Report on the Economic Value of the Celestial Republic The cost of this project eclipses their entire national GDP by over four times. The Celestial Republics entire GDP is 228,949,271,264,102.44.
If this death star has a super laser, armor, arms, and shields, the estimate sky rockets even more, almost up to nine times their total GDP.”

“In short, If the Celestial Republic is correct, then their entire nation has just gone bankrupt, and they can not even afford a simple shuttle. Their sales from their storefront, have abysmal sales, and is not enough to cover the cost of a project of this caliber.”

“This new Death star, if it is in fact created, could only be made of tin foil, and small rubber balls are a very low velocity. Simply put, if it does exist, they just destroyed their own nation. Since I doubt their senate is so idiotic to have a national deficit of over 800% of their entire economy for a fully armed and fucntional battlestation, then any logical person must assume that this is poorly delivered hoax.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ricardo, for your insightful report. I am sure many are now grateful to know that the Celestial Republic couldn’t have possibly created such a weapon, without destroying their own nation, economically and militarily.”

We will be right back, after our commercial break.

---Commercial Break ---

The Night - By Disturbed

The Streets are dark, in what appears to be a common suburb, somewhere in the galaxy. People, with blank expressions on their face walk out, in night gowns, and boxer shorts. Their breath slowly turns gray, but dispite the fact not a man or woman shivers.

Like rats to the piper, they walk ignorant of their movements, although one could assume that they are screaming in their heads to be released from their internal prison.

Slowly they all walk up to a man. A man in a dark robe. His face is obfuscated by his cloak, but slowly he raised his pale white hand. Hundreds of people drop to their knees, and prostrate themselves before their new lord.

“We submit.” the crowd says in unison with a monotone voice, “To the will and desires of you my lord.”

A woman appears off to the side, behind her is a small floating black box, with silver lettering saying SI-187.

“Are you like these people behind us?” the red headed leader of the Bloody hand says, with a small symbol of her company across her left breast.

“Are you ruled by the unseen hand of the force, forced to prostrate yourself to a tyrant?” she asked again. The people continue to bow. “Fact is, many across this galaxy are. That is what we here at the bloody hand do. We hunt those that desire to take your mind, your liberty, and enslave you to their will. They are not better than you. They are not heroes, they are a disease, an pariah to all free sentient humans and humanoids.”

She pulls out her gun, and points it at the lords head. With a slight pull of the trigger, the Dark lord’s head explodes, sending brain matter, blood and skull bits flying in every direction.

“So when you think of the Bloody Hand, think of Freedom. Freedom to be yourself, freedom not to bow down to some figure in a robe,”

Behind her people begin to shake their heads as they wake up out of the stupor. “The Bloody Hand, We get our hands dirty, to help you. Call toll free for a free consolation.

by **New Dornalia** » Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:46 am

*cuts to Jock reading a copy of Power Armor Monthly. The cover features Master Chief posing with the guy from the cover of Fallout 3, and the tagline reads, "Spartans vs. Paladins--we test the new armors for this season!" Jock laughs, and the Producer wags his AER9.*

"We're on! Put down the rag!"

*Jock decides not to mess with The Producer. Putting down the issue of Power Armor Monthly, he smiles.*

*Opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH ECONOMIC NEWS

Stocks today rose dramatically in the wake of the election of Speaker Chaffin, as investors have found his new approach and mannerisms, in the words of one stockbroker, "just the kind of attitude our country needs." This coincides with a new poll in which people across Earth generally approved of the new Speaker.

In other news, the Earth SSR government's Economic Survey of Earth SSR, after a long delay, has been made available for public purchase. The survey, which was the fruit of a study commissioned by Governor Susan Kotobuki of Earth SSR and carried out by a Study Group of several major universities and think tanks, surveyed the major industries and economic needs of Earth SSR.

"This is a vital report," said a spokesperson for the Group. "Now, investors in Earth from the 12 and abroad can actually tell what we need and what we have to sell!"

The report has been hailed by investors as an important survey, one which can only benefit the UCK.

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

The President and Ms. Huntleigh were married today in a quiet ceremony in Caprica City today at the Temple of Hera attended by a few friends, family members and close colleagues.

Security was tight at the ceremony, but the two could be seen boarding a flight to Virgon, where the President is expected to watch the Boskirk All Reds play against Ms. Huntleigh's own LA Titans along with Madeline Deshane, prominent fashion designer and known confidante of the business magnate.

Nadine Huntleigh-MacIntyre would only comment that she had a "pleasant ceremony and reception" and that "we would like some privacy."

*cuts back to Jock playing with a paddleball--which is then shot with the Producer's laser rifle. Despondent, he reads the news.*

"Coming up. How one man's quest for bloody, unadulterated vengeance ended up turning into the biggest ice-cream empire in Nova Louisiana."

*cuts to a picture of a skinny man with blue hair standing in front of an impound lot. He's pale, wiry, and wearing coveralls with a OBZ-56C carbine on his back.*

"Hi, I'm Roger Shabunin, of Shabunin Recovery Solutions, Inc. Got people owing you money? Got deadbeats who need to recognize when enough is enough? About to go into financial insolvency because some asshole won't meet his end of the deal? Shabunin Recovery can help."

*cuts to Roger walking past Raptors, Carrack Cruisers, and YT-1300 ships as he speaks*

"Whether it's a small truck, or a big freighter, or a small military vessel, Shabunin Recovery Solutions has the men and the skills to get you the satisfaction you deserve. Our team of experts with years of experience in the military and paramilitary sectors has the tools they need to get in, get the goods, and get you the cash you need."

*cuts to Roger walking in his lot*

"And for those of you looking for a new car for your young ones, we're authorized to hold auctions of ships and cars every Tuesday and Thursday for when people don't recover their shit. Stop in, and get that vehicle of your dreams, today! We do notary public services and suchlike, and we are fully accredited by the Earth SSR Repossessors Trade Board and hold a Private Miltary Oversight Committee License to use specialized stealth equipment."

*cuts to Roger standing in front of his office.*

"Don't believe us, just ask our satisfied customers."

*cuts to a woman with her kid*

"My scumbag of a husband owed me 3600 cubits from our divorce settlement. I used Shabunin Recovery to get his prized truck back from him, and paid back the debt by court order. Thanks Shabunin!"

*cuts to a man whose face is blanked out. It's obvious it's Jock though, even through voice modification.*

"My bitch of a wife--my sixth wife--decided she'd skip town with the alimony. I used Shabunin to take not only her prized space yacht, but her regular yacht, and her collection of Italian sports cars. Suck it, motherfucker!"

*cuts to Yusuf Al-Jaziri*

"Eh...Roger Shabunin was a kickass motherfucker. A real hard-ass nigga. And he helped me get back some shit some niggas stole from me. Real classy. No one died, so thanks, R-Dog! Peace!"

*cuts to a woman whose face is blanked out and voice altered. It's obiviously Kython Gracie.*

"Roger helped me foil the Cyber Mistress. How? I, er, well....the least you need to know is that she suddenly got into debt with some creditors, and then Shabunin Recovery seized her Doomsday Megaship and her Pulsetulizer Ray. Great success!"

*Cuts back to Roger.*

"So what are you waiting for? Call Shabunin Recovery Solutions today!"

by **LaoMonians** » Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:24 am

Tracy Juggs sat behind her desk, her perky face bounced with a shine denoted for most movies stars. "Good evening, I am Tracy Juggs, today, we would like to give a long well over due applause for Walter Monotone whose ground breaking documentary finally lead to the removal of a tyrant President. Allowing for a new kinder president to take his place. Today we are once again proud to offer our presidential candidate to run in the Holoband's 2nd ever, but first official elections of the Quorum of Twelve plus Bob. Your favorite and mine Bob Carthridge."

*Loud boombing applause*

Tracy continued after the applause died down, "unfortunately Admiral Carthridge is out fighting for our independence today against the oppressive Lao Monian dictators that are content with the status quo. But we know that his heart is with us, while his fists are in the spleen of our enemies, may the Gods of our Ancestors of Kobol bless him. That is all we have for you tonight, we hope that you have a great day as we transition to a new day of unity amonst our brothers and relatives from the true colonies of twelve. Good night everyone."

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:26 pm

“Greetings, I am Stacy Warner, Caprica City News Network, the most trusted name in news, giving you just the facts, and letting you decide.”

“Our top story tonight, The presidential race is heating up, as Representative Henderson of Caprica today has announced his bid for President of the United Colonies of Kobol. This announcement has come on the heals of Representative Michael Smurnoff of Canceron has announced his prior bid to run for the Presidency.”

“Some political pungents have speculated that the woman to Mr. Henderson’s right, an Abh, who’s name has never been released to the public is often seen with the Caprican Representatives. While the Caprican delegate is often seen with this blue haired woman, he has refused to comment on the nature of their relationship.”

“Some fear that if he is elected, that this could cause a harmful rift between the Galactic Empire, and the Colonies, as the Abh have always been staunch opponents of the Empire.”

In Economic News today, the Stock Market gained a total of Two hundred points, as medical research groups around the Colonies announced today that they were working on a longer lasting version of the Force Vaccine. If proven to be true, this would increase income to the medical sector by foreign investors, as well as a further step to eventually curing the Midiclorian disease.

In Celebrity news, Current sitting president, Robert MacIntryre has been scheduled to attend the opening ceremony of the Fionna Masaki Memorial Castle. This castle, which was left in ruins, before the Colonial Annexation of the planet, has been rebuilt to honor one of the few Masaki’s which were good allies of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol, prior to the unification to Earth SSR. Earth SSR, as we all know was mislead by Daniel Masaki, into thinking that his Sister Fionna was a vile evil dictator.

Up next, your local weather.

by **LaoMonians** » Thu Feb 10, 2011 2:41 am

Tracy Juggs gets on the screen a calm confident smile filling her face, as she begins this evening's announcements.

"Good morning, today in our look around the galaxy, we found that Stacy Warner had this to say about her Possible political leaders that are represinting the Non-Bob colonies of Kobol.

Orthodox Gnosticism wrote:“Some political pungents ...

Tracy Juggs continues, "Frankly Stacey, we couldn't agree with you more. Those politicians from the Non-Bob colonies of Kobol stink. When you want a leader that isn't pungent, we reccomend voting for Bob Carthridge. "

*Cuts to Admiral Bob Carthridge, on the field of his last major battle. "Greetings, I'm Admiral Carthridge, I don't always have an odor, but when I do, it's the smell of Brut and musk." Admiral Carthridge said as he winked to the camera and then began firing on fleeing villagers.*

Tracy Juggs continues, "That is a man of ambition and charm." A slight purring sound can be heard for a second coming from Tracy, and then she regains her composure. "Now on to sports news."

by **New Dornalia** » Thu Feb 10, 2011 11:11 pm

*cuts to Jock Stabler sitting back in his news chair, relaxing. He's watching something on his iPod, and judging by the loud squeals from the headphones, it's not family friendly. The Producer looks at the iPod, snatches it, and tosses it in a box marked "Confiscated Materials" which is then locked with a padlock and then shoved to the side. Jock bows his head sadly with a sigh.*

"Now, I'll never know what Mistress Fuzzy planned for that HDMI Cable and that subwoofer."

*Looking up at the screen, he coughs and pretends he didn't just say that.*

*Opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

There's word in from the Unknown Regions today, that Secretary of State Baileygates and Quorum Rep. Smurnoff have returned safely home from the Galactic Assembly. Their early arrival in the area was precipitated by the sudden invasion of the host nation, Tocrowkia, by an unknown force only known as the Persians which posed a safety risk to the delegates involved. At this current writing, fighting is going on in the meeting site of Liberty Prime, including a squad of Thrashians, and at this point it's anyone's guess where it goes.

In other news, the United Colonial Volunteer Corps, a force of volunteer soldiers currently fighting for the Abh Empire, has engaged their first targets on the planet of Pirth. The exact nature of the fight is classified, but sources within the Acolytes say that Henrietta Collins has become head of the PA Contingent--a move approved yesterday by the Vanguard Committee unanimously.

Additionally, Governor Susan Kotobuki of Earth SSR's Nationalist Party has announced she will run for another term as Governor of Earth SSR. This comes in the wake of the announcement by Democratic Alliance chairman Kaden Park of the famed Park Family that he will run for Governor of the Colony as well.

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

There's word in from Seattle that famed Master Chin Tai-Wong of the People's Acolytes Qiangquan School has temporarily relocated to Seattle's Sanctuary District to oversee operations there in absence of certain key personnel. No word on why he has done this, along with Sensei Grigori Batov of the Shinmei School, and Chin would only say to the public, "Circumstances dictate this as a personal favor to some of the employees. This is not permanent, but it is something which requires privacy."

*cuts to Jock breaking the padlock and retrieving his iPod, quickly stashing it in his pocket. He then shoves the box down onto the floor--a mistake, as the Colt Python inside goes off, and Jock winces--his foot has been the victim of a .357 Magnum shot.*

"Coming up....ow....Chef Timmy Duvalier offers...fuck!....tips on cooking a Fried Catfish and Chips meal! Coming up! MOTHERFUCKER!"

*cuts to a scene--quickly--involving Lemongrass Shooting Supplies. A little girl is seen tending a shop full of guns and ammo and MREs and Confederate flags, with a fairy companion.*

"Um, hi! I'm Recette, from Lemongrass Shootin' Supplies! I have a commercial and a Valentine's Day Sale, and stuff. Yippee!"

*The fairy smacks her head and sighs.*

"Merde. Lemme do this."

*The fairy turns to the screen and smiles.*

"That's right, Recette. Right now, at all Lemongrass Shooting Supply locations, we're having a Valentine's Day sale. Get that special someone in your life the thing they've been looking for."

*Recette follows the fairy, embarassed like, to a rack of fine necklaces.*

"That's right. All jewelry is 40% off. Hajarran Shinyturtle, diamond, cubic zirconia, Azure Necklaces--it's all there for the buying."

*Recette giggles.*

"Oh, I get it! It's not for the taking--"

*the fairy nods.*

"--because this is a place of business. Let's move on!"

*The fairy walks over to a rack of chocolate cakes.*

"And, to indulge your special someone's sweet tooth, we're holding a sale on all candies and sweets, 50% off. And, free shipping on all orders of our famous walnut bread."

*The fairy gasps, as Recette is picking up a chocolate cake, and then stumbles over, collapsing the rack. Thankfully, no cake is spilled, but the display is ruined. The fairy facepalms.*

"Find a happy place. Find a happy place."

*Recette giggles and begins putting some of them back, as the fairy moves on to the gun section.*

"And finally, if your special someone wants to shoot 'em up, we have a half-off sale on all firearms, energy weapons and ammo, including the brand new AER14 Laser Rifle, from Colt! Enjoy!"

*Recette holds one up and beams with a giggle, as she adjusts some Valentine's Day decor. The fairy smiles, and can't help but go...*

"Aww....it's cute...now hands off the merch, people have to buy it."

"Okay."

*Recette puts the rifle back, and then flashes a peace sign at the screen as the images cut to a title card reading, "Lemongrass Shooting Supply--Valentine's Day Sale--come on in!' and suchlike.*

by **New Dornalia** » Tue Feb 15, 2011 3:32 pm

OOC: OG gets credit for Quorum Dialogue. Also, apologies to SNL for some of the dialogue at the end, likewise the Onion and Steel Hawk's Refund Policy.

IC:

*Cuts to Jane Hogarth. She's sitting at the news desk, hands folded, bored. She's looking about, but bored. Her Colt Python isn't on her person, like it usually is. Cue a delivery man stage left.*

"Hogarth? Package."

*Jane signs, takes the package, opens it. It's a box of chocolates. There's also a card, which she opens with a smile. She then gets pissed. It has the words 'Fuck off' with a gift card in it. The deliveryman leaves, and then lets a Process Server in.*

"Papers from your husband. I'm here to serve you divorce papers."

*At this point, Jane takes both the papers and the gift card, and she puts them on the news desk. Jane whips out a Mini-Uzi, pumping the entire magazine into the card and the papers.*

"THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH JANE KREISLER HOGARTH, MOTHERFUCKER! YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHH!!!"

*She then reloads the magazine--or tries. She finds she has no more ammo. She then tosses the gun to an intern and sits down, wiping her brow.*

"Hell of a Valentine's Day."

*Opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

Citizens Raging Against Powermongers spokespeople today announced they had tapes of "military officers wasting public resources and engaging in juvenile behavior," calling for an investigation of personnel hiring practices within the Red Banner Fleet, which guards Earth.

"These tapes clearly show officials, doped up on the propaganda of the military industrial complex and kept unchecked by the people, engaging in juvenile behavior!" said Jonesy Meyers, head of CRAP's Student Action Center at MIT. He then proceeded to play the tapes, which were first leaked to the Boston Globe last week. We present them here, unedited and unabridged, unlike other sources.

*cuts to an army officer on speakerphone.*

"Hey, Doris, it's me. Mikey. Tell the people that Chinese Night is on. Yeah, order some Orange Chicken for me. No, I don't want the 2-liter Moxie. That was a dare. Moxie tastes like shit. Oh, and get those reports to the Major."

*cuts to a couple of guys off to the side. With an army issue radio, they hook up an iPod to it. Then, they hit a few switches on the radio.*

*cut back to the officer. Suddenly, the conversation cuts out, and at full volume, loud music plays from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.*

"The fuck!?"

*The officer gets up, annoyed, and shuts off the phone as the others laugh mercilessly at him.*

"Shut it! Damnit! I'm gonna find whoever did this and cut their heads off and shit down their necks!"

*cuts to a bunch of dudes operating Jormungandr-Valkiryes. Judging by the desert and the signs, they're at Nellis Air Force Base. They get into the fighters, and six of them fly into the sky. Radio chatter cuts in.*

"Okay. Starscream 1, begin the routine. Let's smoke these drones."

*Another bit of radio chatter.*

"Damn. Hope my momma don't see this."

"Can it, Starscream Six."

*Afterwards, techno music begins to play. As the ground crews begin to do the Robot and dance awkwardly, the Valkiryes begin twirling and dancing about. They then, to the time of the music, fly past one another, change from plane mode to man mode and halfway in between, and fire off waves of missiles and cannon fire which hit all the flying drones, which are actually shooting them with live fire. By the time the song ends, they end with a pose and a series of explosions that spells, "ROCK!" The ground crews cheer. One speaks on the comms.*

"Okay, Starscreams, nice work. We're gonna send more drones, we're beginning training wave beta. Hope you like K-Pop."

*cuts to a bunch of dudes taking bets afterhours. Two M70B Arbalests stand face to face. Their markings indicate a Special Mech Infantry Unit, based in Groton, CT.

Then, the tune of James Brown's Superbad, one of them breakdances on a large surface resembling a cardboard box. It finishes by pointing at the other in a challenge pose, which is answered by its own breakdance to the tune of Herbie Hancock's Rockit.*

*cuts back to Jane in the studio, who is surrounded by cops.*

"The Red Banner Fleet HQ, as well as JRCCC in general, only said the following--'We do not condone the behavior shown on these tapes, and said behavior is punishable by military law. We have taken steps to punish all offenders responsible.'

For the record, the Quorum has simply said, "It's a Dornie in command. What, were you expecting something different? Surprised they didn't make it John Wayne instead of Rocky Horror Picture Show. This report by CRAP is like taking a child to the zoo and saying a zebra has stripes. It's just that obvious, and neither Caprica nor Picon Command care.

Unless they broadcast Naruto, or Pokemon. Because then Earth would be in violation of the anti torture clauses against humanity."

In turn, all others, when asked about CRAP's intentions, simply said, 'meh.'"

*Jane then sighs, as she gets up.*

"Coming up--how to raise the best legal defense, on a budget. And the best Uzi magazines for your money! Film at 11."

*cuts to a commercial with a man in a tigerstripe camo jacket with an orange safety vest. he speaks with a Carolina drawl.*

"Hi, I'm James Cafferty. I'm known around these parts as Uncle Jimbo. You may know me as the man who runs Uncle Jimbo's Veggie Huntin' Tours. Now, I've got somethin' you guys who use shotguns may like. I'm working with Steel Hawk Ammo company to develop Uncle Jimbo's Special Defense and Game Loads."

*cuts to scenes of ominous looking dudes in balaclavas and helpless women firing even big shotguns at them with no effect. The images get increasingly more absurd, as you even have young Japanese Schoolgirls with AA-12s firing into Juggernauts with no effect, even with explosive shells.*

"Ever found out that defending your house isn't as easy as it used to be? Discovering that the $120 a shot "Rhodesian Asswhuppin'" boutique ammo you bought ain't cuttin the mustard when the bad men want your TV? We got the medicine."

*cuts to a series of shotgun shells in funny colors, and scientists handloading them on dies with exotic ingredients like piranhas and gray goo.*

"Uncle Jimbo's Special Defense and Game Loads come in all sizes. 12 gauge, 20 gauge, .410, you name it. We got it. And whatever you need, we got everything. Just look at our satisfied customers.*

*cuts to an old lady with an over-under. The Fire Department is putting out a big fire in the background.*

"I got some of Uncle Jimbo's Dragon's Breath shells....it was cold, and some men wanted to steal my heating oil....I gave them what for, and got a nice warm house too!"

*cuts to a man in hunting gear with a shotgun and some deer with bite marks in them.*

"I used Uncle Jimbo's Eco-Safe Piranha Shells to take down a deer. I didn't know they actually HAD piranhas in them! Holy hell was I scared at first, but damn, was it good. Got some fish, and some deer!"

*cuts to a SWAT officer with a remington 870.*

"My department purchased some of the Gooze Shells. We found that it's nanotech based shot technology not only made short work of the door, it made short work of the suspect's clothes, causing him to surrender without a shot. Thanks, Uncle Jimbo!"

*cuts back to Uncle Jimbo.*

"Uncle Jimbo's Special Defense and Game Loads are backed with the Steel Hawk Buyback Guarantee. They don't work--send them back within 90 days, and we'll give you somethin' just as deadly! Just make sure you're over 16 years of age, kids."

*cuts to a title card with a Voice over*

"Uncle Jimbo's Special Defense and Game Loads. Available at all fine sporting goods stores. Not legal in the 12 Colonies. May be restricted in Chicago and San Francisco, check with local authorities before use. Do not taunt Special Defense and Game Loads. Attempting to open the Wonderball or Gooze shells voids all warranties and all legal responsibility of Uncle Jimbo's Inc. and Steel Hawk from anything that occurs."

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:05 pm

Good Evening, a beautiful brunette with olive skin says, with a warm smile, this is Linda Chapman, filling in for Stacy Warner, coming to you from our home office in Delphi Caprica, for Caprica City News Network, the only news network that reports just the facts.

---The Race to the Presidency---

Our top story of the hour, the political race between Rep. Henderson of Caprica, and Rep. Smuroff has heated up today, as allegations of the Caprica representative’s campaign is being funded in large part by the Abh Empire, fueled allegations of corruption to foreign entities.

“According to a anti-corruption watch group, Little Brother, Rep. Henderson has taken in over four billion cubits worth of donations from the Abh empire, far surpassing the by comparison meek sum of one hundred and sixty eight million cubits by his competitor.”

“Many people are nervous what would happen, if a foreign nation was to buy our presidency, but spokesmen of the Henderson campaign have been quick to answer the call.”

“The donations from our friends abroad, are not from the Abh Empire.” Rep. Henderson said today at a press conference. “This is a clear slanderous campaign by my rival from Canceron, who is used to playing politics the MacIntryre way. Our donations have come from a single family in the Abh Empire, not the Abriel which rule the Empire, but of the Count of Sackugoff. Count Vashmir, has a long standing interest in the Twelve Colonies. His son in law, is a citizen of Caprica, who is currently serving honorably with his daughter, in the star forces.”

“This gentleman, also has a Caprican granddaughter, and by our very own laws, so is his daughter. I will not deny him, nor any citizen of the Colonies the right to contribute to the political process.”

To the man’s left, was the same beautiful blue haired Abh, that is often seen next to him. When asked, if she was of this family, Rep. Henderson simply replied, “My friend here, only stands with me as support. However her personal life will not be drawn out into the media lime light. I don't believe in dragging my friends and family out before the media, as MacIntrye often did. Remember, a vote for Smurgoff is a vote for Mac's fourth term. The Canceron representitive is simply trying to deflect the great people of the fourteen colonies from the issues that press the nation today. We can ill afford another candidate whose foreign policy floats with the wind, and is in bed with those that would make the very robots that would seek to destroy us, such as the Dornie supported Representative from Canceron. Thank you.”

Linda turns to the camera and smiles once more, “Rep. Smurgoff’s office had this to say in response. “It’s a sad day when the colonies allow our political processes to be bought by a foreign nation, simply due to a legal loophole in our constitution. Although, I agree that every citizen of the Colonies should have the right to contribute to the political processes, this action by the Abh, and the Caprican representative signify a gross breach of the public’s trust. This isn’t MacIntyre politics, or my friends in the thirteenth colony, this is about ethics. And in this case, the Caprican Representative is on the wrong side of morality. Although I agree, that in order to move the Colonies forward we need to work closer with our friends and allies amongst the stars, we do not need to sell out to the Abh, or any foreign nation. The fourteen worlds and all under their control, have a unique culture, one that if the Caprican representative has his way will be destroyed, under the banner of the Abh Empire.”

Linda smiles once more into the camera.

---Corperate News---

Admiral Spoor of the Star Forces today, has announced that her company, Spoor Industries which make up one of the Earth's Big Three today, has announced that they support Caprican Representative Michael Henderson. In a brief and rare broadcast from the honored Abh Admiral, she stated, that his presidency would lead to increased revenues between the Abh Empire, and the Fourteen Colonies. Admiral Spoor, best known in the Colonies as leading the Abh forces against Admiral Helena Cain at the battle of D'Hara, which was hailed by many Dornies as a pivotal moment in history.

"Whether this has any impact on Dornie voters, which Spoor employees millions of has yet to be seen."

---Shi'ido News---

“In further news, an spokesmen from the Quorum of Fourteen today have denied any allegations that a Shi’ido shall be on the ballot for the presidency of the United Colonies of Kobol. The spokesman was quoted today, “Although the Quorum is sensitive to the Shi’ido’s claims of being from Kobol, they are not a recognized as a Colony of the mother land, and this quorum will not entertain a alien politician running for the highest office in the nation. Considering Bob Carthage, doesn’t even have total control of his own people, as they are waged in a civil war, the Colonies shall not allow him to run for the office.”

---Governor of Miradeth Died today, of unusual circumstances---

In further news today, Governor Victor Tate, of the Auspice of New Kobol, died in his office on Miradeth at the age of 41. The coroner has reported that the Governor has died of a strange disease, that congealed his blood, and caused black lines to run across his face.

“I’ve never seen or heard of any disease like this.” The doctor originally from the Athenian University here on Caprica, has stated. “It was most unusual. We have invited medical teams from Lebran, and Orphion to begin to study the specimen to determine it’s root cause, and if a cure can be created.”

“Amidst the unknown disease killing the governor appointed by President Robert MacIntyre, the Quorum on Miradeth, has elected Fionna Mason, to the position of Governor of the Auspice. In her opening remarks to the thirteen Colonies of Miradeth, Fionna Abigal Mason, a woman of the tribe of Aeralon, said, “Today we honor the legacy, of Gov. Tate, and wish that Hera sees him into the next world. I plan on continuing his work, to strengthen the people of Miradeth and all of those planets in her auspice.”

Pyrimad Colonial Cup LII

“In sports today, at the Colonial Cup, the Saggitaron Archers today, won the two week long tournament against their rivals in the cup the Gemenise Twins today. The final score was 7-4.”

--- Foreign Investments ---

Today, the nation of Allanea has signed a deal with the Quorum, allowing the prison planet of Zoryia, in the Delta Quadrant, as a training area for Alleanian troops. Zoryia, the only planet in the UCK which resides in the delta quadrant, is reportedly full of beasts of various types, along with prisoners from various nations considered too dangerous to leave the planet ever again, by their home nations. Allanea has announced that they will allow their drills on the live camera's that are ever present on the prison continent, to "help out the ratings."

You can see the Holoband show, "Zoryia, the Untamed Wilds." Twenty four hours a day, on it's own dedicated holoband server.

---Coredian Investments---

Today, The Elemental Nation of Coredia has announced a three trillion cubit grant to the Auspice of Miradeth, for what one spokesman of Coredia said, "Is only a small sum, compared to the shame other Coredians have defamed our name with. By giving aid, to the wilder regions of the Colonies, we hope not only to strengthen our relationship with Caprica, but to begin to make karmic amends for the sins of the other Coredians." Governor Mason has reportedly accepted the generous gift by the Elemental nations of Coredia, but has yet to make any official announcement.

by **New Dornalia** » Fri Feb 18, 2011 12:02 pm

*Cuts to the Producer sitting at the news desk. He's inspecting the desk for contraband. Opening the drawers, he finds a Colt Python, and pockets it. Then, he finds a microfusion cell hooked up to a detonator. His instincts tell him it's a crude plasma grenade. Likely, Jane's. He also finds a used porn magazine, a copy of Madame Fuzzy's Lessons in Pain, and a laser pistol. Confiscating all of those, he puts them into the "Wrong!" box, with a sigh, before inviting Jock in to do the news.*

*Opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH OFFBEAT NEWS

Strange discoveries outside of Manila in the Philippines today, as a team of Purchasing and Acquisitions Agents affiliated with Lemongrass Shooting Supply company of Hajarra discovered the legendary Yamashita's Gold hoard while looking for balut eggs to sell at Lemongrass.

"Yeah. We were buying some balut eggs, but then we heard about the gold. My boy Santiago decides to get it. So here we are, tracking down some clues, and when we weren't getting chased by some psycho cannibal chick with a fireaxe and a M240 and some chick named Eddie who wanted gold, or nearly sliced up by Japanese Ghost Soldiers, we found the gold!" said Louis Dalyrimple, holding up a gold piece.'

The gold's discovery is considered one of the major archaeological finds of the age, and the hoard's value is estimated at billions of dollars. Spokesmen for the Philippine authorities have said they are in talks with Dalyrimple and others to divide the value of the gold, assuming it can be retrieved. While the Philippine Authorities have not revealed who they are talking with, it is widely assumed that HT Industries is one of the bidders, as is Lemongrass and several Hajarran Nationalist parties.

This may not be likely, however, considering the heavy paranormal activity at the site which is reported to consist of everything from flickering lights to an entire division of Imperial Japanese Army ghost soldiers ready for battle at all times and who have shot at all incoming persons. People's Acolytes teams as far as Singapore and the Vatican have been dispatched to perform what is dubbed "The Largest Exorcism in PA History."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

Polls today indicate Dornalian-Colonials are in a close match in their support of both Smurnoff and Henderson. A survey by the NDBC indicates that 54% of individuals, if the election were to be held today, would vote for Smurnoff, whereas 46% would vote for Henderson, with all appropriate margin of error.

"Ultimately, Dornalian-Colonials are divided not by the merits of the two, but what they know," said Political Science professor Mike Ton of UCLA. "They know a lot about Smurnoff. They don't know much about Henderson except that he's gossip material and dates an Abh. All well and good, but they wanna know he has more than money and a hot babe for his platform."

In turn, the race for the Governorship of Earth SSR is becoming a crowded field, with some unusual entrants. Joining Governor Kotobuki and Kaden Park is, among others, Michael Haggar and Gracie Liang.

Former Mayor of Metro City and former pro wrestler, Mr. Haggar is not expected to win the election, but he has won followers through an extensive social networking campaign, his record of vigilante justice and flamboyant press conferences, usually involving body slams and double lariats. Key to his strategy is a libertarian campaign promising to "bodyslam the deficit and get government off our backs."

Gracie Liang, meanwhile, has entered the governor's race--a surprising move for the Top 40 popstar and sometimes actress. While it is unclear as of yet what her platform is, her political beliefs and voting record suggest a pro-defense, pro-environment outlook.

*cuts to Jock looking through his drawer, and discovering his porn stash is gone. Sighing, he shuts the drawer, and looks at the screen.*

"Coming up--how Nazi Gold is the hottest collectors item on the market. Find out how you can get in on that action."

*cuts to a picture of a pile of gold coins. A sharp dressed man in a suit walks in, stage left.*

"Hi, I'm Tex Connery. Got bills to pay off? Wanna save up for that vacation in Caprica City, but afraid you don't have the cash for those ladies of the night? Or maybe just wishing to save for the inevitable retirement fund? Then I have the solution for you, and it's not a bank!"

*cuts to the gold coins, with an overlay of wiggly statistics lines kept by stockbrokers and flashy trading floor scenes.*

"Precious metals and gems of all sorts, folks, are at an all time high. Specie and gemstones are a hot market. You may have precious metals and gemstones in your house as we speak...and they could make you MILLIONS!"

*cuts to a picture of some old Krugerrands, Double Eagles, and Australian Silver coins, in wrappers, and an old lady swimming in a pool of money.*

"So, how can you take advantage of this offer? Simple. QuickCash LLC is willing to buy your old gold, computers, whatever has precious metals in them! Simply call our toll-free number, use the preformatted envelope, and send your things to us. We'll weigh them, and send you a check for the amount you get! It's that easy! Don't like it, send it back within 48 hours and we'll make amends. Just ask our satisfied customers."

*cuts to an old lady. Judging by the over-under shotgun, its the one from the Uncle Jimbo's commercial*

"I sold my old jewelry, including a diamond and platinum ring reportedly used by the Shah of Iran himself, to QuickCash LLC. I got back $6,000. That's a good'un, although my son seems to think otherwise. Well, at the least, it helped me find a new place to live. Thanks QuickCash!"

*cuts to a gata woman in a trailer.*

"Yeah, I used QuickCash to sell an old gold watch and one of those Xbox thingies my kid had because he was bein' a brat. My cuz told me to take it to an assayer, but who wants to go to a place with the word "ass" in it? Probably run by wierdos. Anyway, I got back 150 dollars. That'll get me cigarettes and beer for a week!"

*cuts to another old man, confused.*

"Well, QuickCash's Customer Service was good, I guess. I sent my Aunt Vincenza's ring in to pay the rent, but then I looked and realized that ring was worth a bit more than QuickCash told me it was. So I sent the check back within 48 hours. I got the ring back. Or at least it looks like it. I could swear, it had a silvery bit in--"

*cuts to the man in suit*

"That's right folks. Don't accept any substitutes, or for that matter, listen to those rumors which say we're gonna shaft you. At QuickCash, we're dedicated to bringing you cash, quickly, for your valuables--at all costs!"

*cuts to a title card*

"1-800-722-6968. That's 1-800-722-6968. QuickCash LLC--The Cash You Need, No Matter How It Looks."

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Wed Feb 23, 2011 12:42 pm

Stacy Warner looks into the camera, her skin slightly tanner than it was previously, an obvious sign that the anchor woman just got back on vacation. With a quick smile, she leaned back in her chair, to sit up, as she sighed in agony. “Sweet Aphrodite, man this sun burn is killing me.” She turns to one of the camera guys. “During the break, can you rub some lotion on it?” She asked.

“Were on in 3...2...”

“Next break.” She says with a smile.

“Hello, this is Stacy Warner, with Caprica City News Network, the only name in news to give you a fair and balanced reporting.”

With a small smile, she continued. “Last night ratings for the comedy show, Caprica Nightly News, a comedy news show, reported record ratings with their in-depth sit down interview with a Kython running for president. This comes one day, before the Quorum begins it’s deliberations for the next president of the United Colonies of Kobol.”

“The interview lasted twelve minutes and.” Suddenly she puts her hand to her ear piece, “Ladies and Gentlemen, my producer just told me that we have a clip of the interview. Here is that clip.”

An older man, with a thick gruff accent, which was clearly from Aeralon, a man in a fine and expensive suit leaned across the desk. Across from him, was an amorphic monster, one no larger than a German Shepard, but black, in human with several arms and legs.

“So there mate, how does it feel to be the first non-Colonial as a candidate for the president of the United Colonies.”

The Kython folded it’s black arms, almost as if it was contemplating what should be said. Opening it’s gaping maw, filled with violet teeth, the creature shrilled. “Grawr...grind....fgrind...Gnarl”

The man nodded and smiled, “Yes, it is truly an honor.” He said with a smile. The Kython looked at the screen, then grabbed a coffee cup. It looked at it, unsure of what to do, until it opened it’s mouth and swallowed the cup whole.

“Now, in the news, it has come to our attention that the Coredian and Huntarian Empires have re-emerged. If you are elected, how do you plan on approaching these nations?”

The Kython looked into the camera, staring at the screen, as if it was deep in thought. “SHREECH, Garble, Garble, Screech.” Then it smiled, and burped.

“And what of your opponents? What do you think of the Representative of Caprica having such close ties to the Abh, and if you’re elected, how do you plan on approaching the Abh Empire.

The Kython stood up and began to scrrech once more as it walked off towards one of the televisions. Reaching out, it hit the on button, and a re-run of the smurfs began to play. *Schreech* it said, as it pointed to the episode of the smurfs.”

The man smiled, “And what of the Thrashians?”

The Kython put it’s hand to what it’s forehead would be, and pointed to the television once more. *Screach, Screech, Sigh*

“Well thank you, and I wish you luck on your campaign trail. For Caprica Nightly News, this is Jonathan Pugh signing off.”

Stacy smiles,

—Economic News ---

“In economic news, the Quorum has passed new legislation, after recent talks with the Elemental Nation of Coredia, allowing Coredian Geisha’s to come to Caprica, Tauron, Virgon, Leonis and Lebran, to work within several establishments such as night clubs and restaurants.”

“However soon after the deal was made, the Cubit fell in value, by 50%, due to the mistrust many Colonials and Dornies still have of the Coredian people. According to the deal, the Coredians shall come to the Colonies, and will only get paid once their contract has expired. So far the minimum contract for one of these Geisha has been Eighteen years.”

“The Quorum is looking into allowing more worker and Student Visas to the Elemental nation, to help to educate and teach the poor misguided humanoids to be more civilized, and to prepare their people to become productive in the galactic setting.”

—The President is Elected —

This is breaking news. The Quorum today, just announced the next president of the United Colonies of Kobol.

Michael Henderson, the Caprican delegate, has been elected by an absolute majority in the Quorum of Nine Votes to Five. President Henderson, has just taken the oath of Presidency in a closed door meeting in the Quorum.

Mr. Henderson could be seen today in Caprica City, surrounded by his supporters, and the Abh by his side. His arm was wrapped around her waist as he looked into the Camera.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the United Colonies of Kobol, and to all of our allies abroad. I, Michael Henderson, accept the position of President of the United Colonies of Kobol. I promise, to uphold the constitution of our fair Republic, and to fight for all of you, not on the Xbox as my predeccessor had, but instead in the floor of the Quorum.”

“My opponent, Mr. Smuroff from Canceron fought a tough fight, and although our opinions differ, I know that he has the best interests of the Colonies at heart. I would like to thank him for a spirited campaign, and I look forward to working with him, and the rest of the Quorum, to improve the daily lives of all Colonials and Dornies alike.”

“Thank you all, and may the lords of Kobol bless Colonials and Dornies everywhere.”

The Camera turned back to Stacy who looks shocked. “This was a record election.” She said as she started into the camera. “This was the first day of the deliberation of President of the United Colonies, and I honestly can’t recall when the last time a president was nominated on the first day of these deliberations.”

“This just in.” She said continued to be shocked, “An official broadcast from the Abh Empire has been intercepted by our transmitters. It says and I quote, “Emperor Gaf’ton is pleased that the Colonies were able to work out a peaceful transition that does not disrupt trade with the Empire, and that we look forward to working closely with your new President.”

Stacy still looks stunned. The side box continues with the victory parade, and the newly minted president with the Abh no longer in her dress uniform, but this time in a white dress.”

“Does anyone know if an Abh is the first lady, or even know her name?” Stacy asked confused. Shaking her head, she continued, “We’ll be right back after this break.”

---Commercial Break ---

A small child is hiding under their covers, scared, shaking.

“Are you afraid of the dark?” A voice over asked.

“Are you scared of the monsters under your bed?” The voice asked again. Under the bed, rustling noises and movement could be seen.

“Fear no more, with a Kython.”

Suddenly the door bursts down, as a kython charges under the bed, and pulls out a small mouse and eats it whole. “Kythons are here to help protect you and your loved ones, from the monsters under the bed, break ins, or that Huntarian Boyfriend your daughter is now dating.”

“How do you get a Kython? It’s simple, every day millions of kythons are made, many of which do not have homes. Simply walk up to one, and ask it if it wants to live with you. For your own peace of mind. Kythons, because they eat the monsters under your bed”

This commercial was paid for my the People for the Ethical Treatment of Kythons.”

by **Huntaer** » Sat Feb 26, 2011 1:41 pm

We fade in and a long fanfare plays as we cut to a giant TV view which has a "C" shaped desk with the Huntarian Report in the background at the center of the TV. In the center of the desk is reporter Mike Pound, who was busy reading "Busty Huntarian Babes" with an image of Eclipse and Cassandra Nord on the front making out. He looks up to the camera as it pans towards him and quickly shoves the magazine under his desk. He's still sweating profusely, leaving what he was doing earlier open to suggestion for one's thoughts, however he wipes his face off quickly and smiles at the camera as he puts his glasses on. He clears his throat and begins his news segment. "Greetings once again to all you pathetic Earthlings, Colonialites, Coredian idiots, Smurfs and other low-lifes who bother to watch this show. I am your host for the evening, Mike Pound. Today on the Huntarian Report, disaster in negotiations as the Empire attempts to expand it's negotiations and resources through out the Galactic Empire's galaxy. Also in the news, updates to the Empire's special project with their Dornalian brethren, "Silent Night" in an attempt to revive Santa Clause, the overgrowth of the Ta'Nar or 'Roach' population and..." He turns to another camera and puts on a humorously serious face as he stares dead center at the camera, "orgy at the Imperial Palace? Why not, we all know that Colonials are hormone crazed, sacrificial hedonistic sexed jobs. The biggest question on our minds is, am I invited?" He turns to another camera and puts on a cute begging face, "pleeeeeeeaaaaaase? Find out more later on, but first a message from our sponsors!" The show fades out and cuts to commercial.

The camera fades back in to Mike Pound, who this time has a six pack of "Caprican Delight" beer on his desk. He already has one can opened and is chugging it on screen. He notices the red light on top of the camera and puts the beer down. He smiles and looks at the camera as he wipes off his face, "folks, I think I found a new nitch to help relieve my stress at the beginning of a segment. Apparently, being a late night news host like myself, you're allowed to drink on screen! WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOOOO!" He puts the can up to his lips and continues to chug again with a audience track shouting "chug chug chug!" in the back ground. He opens up another can and chugs it even faster. "Damn... Good shit. You guys should really try this stuff, hell give it to your kids. I believe the legal drinking age in Coredia is 8, as is their age of consent. Anyways, to the news..." He shuffles his papers and throws the top five away behind him.

Mike Pound begins his next news segment, "folks as you well know the Empire has been attempting to expand negotiations with various planets and tribes in the galaxy which the Galactic Empire resides in. Naturally, one of their better resources is Wookie workers. We sent in our translator and ambassador droid, HK-59. We have a video feed back for you to watch. Billy, play the entire recording for our audience."

We cut to the video recording of HK-59, a Wookie Ambassador and a Thrashian diplomat sitting on a couch which has a Dejarik table in the center of it. The Thrashian diplomat was the first to speak, "well? It's your move droid."

HK turns his red eyes to the Thrashian and appears to glare at him, "Statement: one cannot rush an opponent in a game of Dejarik, meatbag." His piece moves closer to the Wookie's, but is still just barely out of reach. "Statement: your move walking carpet."

The Wookie diplomat growls at HK who merely stares coldly back at the furry creature. The Thrashian diplomat sighs, "really HK, do you have to insult every diplomat you encounter?" The Wookie moves his piece, stupidly opening his equivalent of a Queen in chess and looks up at the Droid. It grunts and howls in agreement with the Thrashian Diplomat and signals for HK to go.

"Observation: Clearly the meatsack is a novice at the game. Really, leaving your prized pieces open for attack."

The Wookie growls and hoots in a threatening tone to HK.

The droid responds to the Wookie, "Commentary: It is a fair move furfag. Screaming about it won't make me change my mind."

The Thrashian decides that the Droid has no knowledge of Wookie anger, "umm... You know it's not usually wise to upset a Wookie right?"

"Reply: Nobody worries about upsetting a droid. We have a temper issue too you know. Especially those of Huntarian origin."

The Thrashian sighs again, "yes, but droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they loose." The Wookie Diplomat gets up from his seat and starts to walk over to HK, threatening to pull off HK's arms out of his sockets. HK just stares coldly at the Wookie from his seat for a few seconds before making his move.

"HOLY FUCK!" Thrashian Diplomat shouts. HK had just knocked the Dejarik table over and rushed to to the Wookie and ripped his arms out. The Thrashian Diplomat stares in disbelief at HK, who is holding the Wookie's arms in it's hands. "HK! What the hell?"

HK tosses the arms aside as the Wookie Diplomat falls on the floor howling in pain. "Statement: now accept your frakking defeat you worthless fleshbag."

The video feed cuts back to Mike Pound who is smiling at HK's diplomatic results, "he's not going to be pulling anyone's arms off any time soon. Folks, I guess this means that Wookies aren't all that useful after all. However..." He pulls out a fur coat that is clearly made from Wookie skin from underneath his desk and puts it on. "They do make excellent fur coats! Begin the harvesting Eclipse. For more on this incident, please welcome Grand Admiral Khal." Pound turns around to the Grand Admiral who simply nods in acknowledgement, "now Admiral, wouldn't this incident be considered a failure? I mean, your droid did just pull the arms off of a diplomat. I'm pretty sure that is a sign for war."

Khal simply smiles and shakes his head, "no no. Quite frankly, it proves that they would've been a waste of time. Clearly, Wookies weren't worth our time."

Mike nods is head in agreement, "clearly. But you gotta admit they make great fur coats."

Khal smiles and nods in agreement, "oh of course. We're considering of opening up negotiations to be able to hunt down rogue, unwanted or dangerous Wookies and have their furs sold on the market. They're quite valuable you know."

Mike smiles and lifts an edge of his fur coat, "indeed they are Admiral. But shouldn't we just invade Kashyyyk itself? Why just stop with undesired carpets? Go to the source!"

Khal sighs, "quite frankly Mike, I believe Kashyyyk is a member of the Farstars and thus out of our reach. However, there might be a few planets within the Colonies who have Wookie inhabitants and would be more than willing to negotiate a deal with us for a price. Who knows, maybe their coats will become more open on the market."

"So does this mean you're now looking for other species for a workforce?"

"Indeed."

Mike shuffles through some papers and throws a chunk away, "know of any that you're currently working with that you'd like to discuss?"

Khal shakes his head, "I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss the arrangements between the Empire and the Thrashians. You will know as soon as the information becomes public."

"Well I should hope it's soon. Wonder if this will mean I can get a reptilian coat skin next..." Mike puts down his papers and looks off the camera, smiling in thought of various reptile-like species that inhabit the Galactic Empire's Galaxy.

"Who knows Mike, who knows."

"Now... Our next topic as you're well aware is the development of Silent Night. As I understand it, it's a program to help improve our relationship with the Dornalians. Can you tell us more about that Grand Admiral?"

Khal smiles politely and nods, "of course. As you know, last year one of their famous mascots was shot down by Colonial Defenses as he flies over from planet to planet delivering gifts. I'm not sure, but I believe his name is Satan Claws... Or something like that. Anyways, we have begun preliminary designs of the robotic version of this fat man and then our engineers came up with an idea. What if we built two, one who's skinny and shaped like a beer bottle and delivers toys to the good families while the other one is built based upon an exaggerated version of the original figure but goes out to punish those it deems to be naughty."

"Well then I guess we gotta build up our defenses then, because I believe we've all been naughty... In bed. Hey yoooooooooo!" He leaps up out of his chair smiling to high five Khal who simply looks at him with a puzzled look on his face, "you know, bed room jokes... Umm... Never mind... Cut to Commercial. Seriously dude, Huntarians need to get laid more often than every once in a whi---" Mike is cut off as his program cuts to commercial.

by **New Dornalia** » Sat Feb 26, 2011 7:32 pm

*Cuts to Louise sitting at the desk. The Producer pushes a new person into the desk next to her. She's blonde, with features that betray German-Japanese origins. Louise is somewhat confused.*

"Wait, the fuck?"

*Producer speaks from offstage.*

"Lou, just deal with it. Her name's Myrna Lee Maitwell."

*Louise shrugs. Myrna speaks in a drawl reminiscent of the Memphis area.*

"Hi, y'all."

*Louise gives her a token nod and handshake.*

*Opening music. Producer tells Louise to hold back, as Myrna is given the goahead. She suddenly switches to a Generic News American English, with hints of Southern twang, as Louise winces.*

"Hello, I'm Myrna Lee Maitwell, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

OOC: OG, regarding this next bit--check TGs.

Mr. MacIntyre today has announced he will take a detour from his extended vacation to hold an official meet and greet with the President-elect, Henderson. In an official statement, Mr. MacIntyre congratulated Henderson on his win, simply saying, "I congratulate Mr. Henderson on his Presidential victory. He's got my vote."

EARTH ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS

A rare event in this day and age has the residents of Guangdong County, China, snapping photos and placing them on their Bleeter pages, and has biologists from the University of Connecticut flying to examine what is going on. That event is the sighting of an Asiatic Dragon, the first sighting of its kind in many years.

Says biologist Norman Ketterling of the University--

"Well, the Asiatic Dragons have long since been thought to be an extinct species. Despite their significant psychokinetic abilities and their flight capacity, it was thought that heavy industrial development by certain parties--*cough*NORINCO!*cough*--as well as the natural consequences of population growth were thought to have killed off most species of Asiatic Dragon, even with the presence of captive breeding, and put many other populations at dangerously low levels. However, it seems that a population is still extant in Southern China. We hope to monitor the development of this population."

*cuts to Myrna, as Louise watches her skeptically.*

"Coming up, how businesses are reshaping their holiday plans around Robot Santa. Film at 11."

*Myrna looks at Louise, who whistles innocuously.*

*cuts to a commercial featuring a family in a car. The driver is a father on his way to Disney World. It's plainly obvious that he's more than a bit fed up with the kids in the back.*

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Are we there yet!? Are we there yet!?"

*The wife next to him cuts in, as she wields a map.*
"Honey...I think we were supposed to take the exit back there."

*The man sighs.*

"No, I'm sure we did this right, the exit's up here--"

*The wife speaks up*

"No. I'm sure it was that exit. Fifty six, not sixty five. What are you, retarded?"

*The dad facepalms.*

"Damnit...."

OOC: THis next commercial may contain content which is objectionable to some people. Viewer discretion advised. Also, the sandwich spit take is based on an actual incident involving my brother, when I pitched the concept to him along with Huntaer.

by **Huntaer** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:36 am

We fade in as a long fanfare plays as we cut to a giant TV view which has a "C" shaped desk with the Huntarian Report in the background at the center of the TV. We see Mike Pound sitting in the middle of the desk holding an ice pack to his head, his suit is torn and his face is chard. He looks into the camera and puts down the ice pack smiling, "hello citizens and concerned watchers from afar. I am your host for tonight's show, Mike Pound. Folks just a few hours ago, as you might've heard,the streets of one of our many city blocks today which was busy with life is now a smoldering ruin. What was it about you ask? Well as many of you know the Star Forge Store Front announced that they were going to merge with their rival company Focus Creations one of the three leading industry makers in Huntaria. General Galactic Constructions and Focus Creations protested the merger, but were unable to prevent it from happening. I sat with the Star Forge company's Chief Executive Officer, Rikan. Billy, play the video recording for our audience."

We cut to the vide interview between Mike Pound and CEO Rikan. They are currently in Rikan's office, a giant and elaborate executive room filled with paintings, book shelves, weapons, armor and model ships. "Mr. Rikan, thank you for coming to the report this evening." Mr. Rikan is a tall white male with short brown hair with hints of white. He also wears a full mustache and possesses several wrinkles.

"It's my pleasure Mike."

Mike smiles and nods, "I quite agree. Now, to biz. As a lot of Huntarians know, the Star Forge Store Fronts are merging with one of the highly popular companies Focus Creations Incorporated. Can you explain what's going on in there?"

"I'd be glad to elaborate on the tale for you. Now, first of all Focus Creations has been in deep trouble with---" Several bullet shots rang through the room, breaking glass windows and several model ships. "Damnit Mike, get down!"

Mike Pound drops to the floor and holds his head in fright, "christ! What was that!?"

Rikan crawls to one of the broken windows and peeks up across towards the nearby building belonging to other rival arms company, General Galactic Constructions. "Frak! They put a sniper on their roof."

Mike looks exasperated at Rikan, "a sniper!? What is this, a Dornalian take over?"

Rikan shook his head, "no sir. It's business in the Arms dealership around here." He looks around the wall area and grabs a nearby potted plant that was right behind his head. "I'm gunna see if he has a fix on me yet." He flips the pot around, causing the dirt to get all over the floor. He uses the plant's stem to lift the pot, pretending it to be his head and lifts it up above the window. The sniper fires three more shots, destroying model ships of the Executor, Enterprise-E, and the Millennium Falcon. "Damnit! It took me months to get those together!"

A startled Mike Pound looks at the CEO in disbelief, "seriously, you're more concerned about your ships than your own life!?"

Rikan smiles, "it's business Mr. Pound. I started this company nearly 1000 years ago, built it with my own two hands. And it wasn't done with a silver spoon either mind you, unlike the bastards that put up that Sniper and the other company we're taking over. I worked out of my parents basement building tiny Bikes and Repulser Vehicles barely big enough for two people. Had to claw my way to the top, stepping on some fingers and toes. Maybe even slit some throats and danced on their intestines. But that's business. I forged this company with my own blood and sweat, sacrificing three families, take it as you wish, forgoing every weekend vacation, a date with a Coredian," Rikan shudders at the thought, "but it got me to where the company is today. None of it mattered. Business came first for me." He glances over to where Mike was huddled and motioned to him, "hey Mike, toss me that brief case underneath that seat." Mike does as he's told. Mr. Rikan then proceeds to open it, revealing a unassembled 50. caliber sniper rifle. He proceeds to assemble it.

Mike shakes his head, still grasping the events around him. "But... Why a sniper?"

Rikan sighs as he puts the rifle together, "it's the right move! They don't want this merger to happen any more than Focus Creations. The difference is they got the cojones to do something about it, that's why they're number two. Now lemme show you why we're number one. Mike, stand up for a quick moment."

Mike looks at him for a few moments, "WHAT!?"

"Trust me, he's got a firm fix on me and will take him a few seconds to swing that thing around to shoot you. I know he's on their top floor, but I need to---"

Mike looks at him astounded, "you can do that in the amount of time you looked out there?"

Mike smiles, "plus a little bit of logic. Judging by the way of how my models were destroyed and how the windows broke it's logical to assume that he's on the top floor. That and it's hard to miss someone pointing a gun at you when you've been in the military like myself. Now, I'm trying determine if he's on the third or fifth window from the center."

Mike looks around for a few moments. He sighs and slowly gets up from his position so that he can get above the window just enough to see the sniper. Mike spots the sniper and quickly gets back down as the sniper swings from Rikan's position. "Holy shit... Definitely third."

Rikan pulls on a nearby cord which led to a phone on the top of his desk. He tugs it to him as quickly as possible and presses a button. "Sharon can you get me the new intern please? Yeah the big bubbly fella." He screws on a silencer on the top of his gun and places on the scope.

A few moments later, a big young Huntarian walks in with a coffee in his hands, "hey Mr. Rikan did you need to se--" he stops in mid sentence as the sniper plugs a big hole in the center of his head, destroying the nose. His body falls backwards into a wall and slides downward, leaving a trail of blood as it does.

"HOLY SHIT!" Mike grabs his head and attempts to duck even lower.

Rikan however, uses the moment to grab his rifle and lifts it out of the broken window. He quickly fires off six shots and then drops back down. "You see it takes about three and a half seconds for a sniper to reload and trace another target giving me and adequate window to fire off a couple of shots. Pure business." He lifts up a giant piece of glass and holds it above the windowsill. "... And that's a hit." He gets up from his position and opens up his arms as he speaks, making a grand gesture. "You see, patience and sacrifice yield reward. Just like the hit, just like this merger and just like my company. Business." The phone on the floor goes off and he smiles, "I'll bet that's them right now."

Sharon's voice is heard on the phone, "Focus Creations is on the phone."

Rikan looks puzzled, but smiling, as he picks up the phone. "I'll bet they wanna talk." He holds the phone up to his ears and hears another voice on the line, "Valline you sonofabitch! Nice try with that sniper! ... Yeah you took out one of my coffee boys!" He waits a few moments and laughs, "yeah the guy who eats burgers all the time... I'll bet! I scooped his head clear off! Now lets get down to business. Apparently you guys have more balls than I thought making it look like it was GGC sending the guys after me... This merger is going through wether you like it or not! Now, what's it gunna take to prevent you from tying up things in the trade commission? 10%!?" A window breaks as a flashbomb flies through the room. "Flash bomb." Rikan and Mike cover their eyes as it explodes in a blinding light.

"JESUS GOD!!"

"Quiet Mike, I'm on the phone." Rikan slams his hand on a wall panel, revealing a rocket launcher. Tie's can be heard in the background as Rikan lifts the launcher above his shoulders, "Mike, help me hold this thing will ya?" Mike gets up and does as he's told. A small squad of Tie Fighter's firing off in the distance quickly approach the building. Rikan is still on the phone. "Yeah... I can see them!" He fires the rocket at one of the oncoming ties, who explodes right on top of the GGC building. The rest of the squad breaks off. "10% is a steal and you know it. GGC didn't even get 5% in the prenup..." He points to a nearby crate which has more rockets in it. Mike gets one and helps Rikan load it into the launcher. "What I'm saying is 5% national, 1% international. And that's my final offer." They lift the launcher again and fire it at the remaining tie's. Another is destroyed and lands on a nearby McDonalds import from New Dornalia. They load up another rocket as the remaining two ties come in for another pass. However, this time Rikan pivots the gun into the direction of another giant building just beyond the GGC building and fires the rocket one more time. A level of the building explodes in the background. "You still there Valline? Great, we have a deal then. All right see you out on the golf course tomorrow and say hello to the missus for me. Ok bye bye." He hangs up the phone and looks at Mike Pound who is dumb struck by the conversation and how calmly Rikan handled the situation. "See? All business."

The video feed cuts back to Mike Pound who now has a fresh suit on and make up to hide the stains on his face from the previous aftermath. He smiles into the camera and picks up his papers, "that was quite the event. Basically folks, message here is don't mess with the number one dealer in arms manufacturing. More at 11." The camera fades away and cuts to a commercial.

by **New Dornalia** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 9:36 am

*Cuts to Louise sitting at the desk, she's twiddling her thumbs, smiling, and whistling nervously. Myrna walks in and smiles broadly. Unlike the usual shit-eating grins at the news studio, it's genuinely friendly.*

"Hi, y'all."

*Louise gives her a dismissive nod.*

*Opening music. Louise holds her hand out and takes command, as Myrna looks confused.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

The Consumers Union to Negate Turpitude today launched a multimillion-dollar lawsuit against NORINCO and the South China Military and Industrial Chemicals Company today, alleging the company's newest product, the Mark 12 Variable Tactical Situational Suitcase, is "plagued with a lock that could be opened by small children, squirrels, and by people who simply stare at it for too long."

"NORINCO's profligacy knows no bounds, it seems. I mean, first, the incidents with the mining expeditions, and now, the Tactical Suitcase. Someone has to call them out on this," said Donald Perrier, spokesman for the Consumers Union to Negate Turpitude's New York branch. '

NORINCO, for its part, is issuing a recall on all Mark 12 Variable Tactical Situational Suitcases with serial numbers VTSS-120000-245000, which it says are the affected models. it also calls the Union's allegations, "Tasteless and a fart joke of epic proportions."

The group is also suing QuickCash LLC, alleging "a criminally low payout system as well as deceptive advertising policies which constitute illegal bait-and-switch maneuvers."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

Governor Susan Kotobuki today won the election as Governor of Earth SSR by a wide margin, defeating Kaden Park by 70-30 Margin and securing Nationalist Party control of the Colony for four more years.

"I am proud that everyone has come to support me. I have done so much for the people of Earth SSR, and I promise to do much more in the future," the Governor simply said, as she went to the inaguration.

Kotobuki's electoral success is widely attributed to a hands-on style of campaigning inherited from the MacIntyre Years, as well as her strong performance last term. Kaden Park himself won votes only in parts of Nova Louisiana County and New Chicago, as well as Konoha County.

*cuts to Myrna trying to reach for the mike, and Louise playing keep away all annoyed like.*

"Coming up--do Uncle Jimbo's Eco-Safe Piranha Shells really work? We put them to the test."

*cuts to a commercial for Tom Kensington's Fine Used Giant Robots. Kensington is in a cheap suit, near a grove of palm trees.*

"Yo, I'm Tom Kensington, owner of Kensington's Fine Used Giant Robots. And we're your buddy in the Giant Robot Business. For over sixty years, Kensington's of Billerica, Massachusetts has been selling only the best Giant Robots ever. And now, we have our new branch in Red Banner Prefecture, Konoha County, Earth SSR."

*zooms in obnoxiously close to Tom.*

"Now, we're celebrating with the Grand Opening Sale across all branches. That's right. All branches of Tom Kensington's Fine Used Giant Robots are gonna see fifty percent off of all giant robots. Check 'em out!"

*cuts to an image of a Rk-92 Savage*

"Our new NORINCO RK-92 John Henry Work Models--an affordable deal, only 24,000 cubits! Chop that in half, and that's a damn good deal!"

*cuts to an image of an Aliens Power Loader*

"Or, try our new line of Caterpillar Power Loaders, now with Whispermount Hydraulic Frames--half off, only 250,000. The Cadillac of Giant Robots, for less!"

*cuts to an image of Knightmare Frame*

"Finally, the Vauxhall Glasgow-class Knightmare Frame. The ideal in Eurosport luxury from Vauxhall. It can work, it can play, and it can rock, fuckers. On sale now, for 450,000!"

*cuts to Tom standing in front of a horde of giant robots.*

"Got bad credit, no credit, credit so bad it melts holes in starship armor!? Forget about it! Here at Tom Kensington's we just wanna get you the giant robot of your dreams.

And now, we make buyin' Giant Robots even easier with our new House Warranties and Lemon Insurance, all included in our price. If it breaks, send it in and we'll fix it in a jiffy. If it's a lemon, trade it in or bring it in for repairs, and we'll do the good we shoulda done the first time. I've been around the Giant Robot sellin' business a while, and that's somethin' not a lotta people we do. At Kensington's, we actually care about our consumers, and that makes the difference."

*cuts to title card, with voiceover*

"Kensington's Fine Used Robots--with three locations in Billerica, Massachusetts, Van Nuys, California, and our new location in Hab 34, Luxembourgia, and now in Sophiaville, Konoha County. And as always, check us out on our online superstore! We ship anywhere we're allowed to--except anywhere in the 12 Colonies plus Miradeth, The Auspice of Kobol, and the Auspice of New Kobol.

We ain't dumb, after all.

Don't miss us!"

Don't miss it!"

by **LaoMonians** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:08 pm

Tracy Juggs takes the stage for what she hopes will be a monumental broadcast. "Good Evening. I am Tracy Juggs, and today we have some ground breaking reserch that we bring to you first. Today Noted Geneticist Waftel Von Burner has found the 'Genetic Missing Link' between ourselves and our mysterious relatives, the descendants ON Kobol. To tell you all about his monumental find is the Geneticist himself Von Burner.

*The camera pans out and shows a Dr. in a white lab coat sitting next to Tracy Juggs.*

"Thank you Tracy. I am Dr. Von Burner." A slight pause as he glimpses down at his notes. "Today I have discovered the 'Rage Gene," and it's mysterious origins. As many are aware those Shi'ido that are under Admiral of the Fleets and Liberators of the colones Bob Carthridge have all been tested to have the quote un quote Eight Pointed Astrix for our genetic code. This is a major deviation and evolutionary curve from our rivals, those that still live on the planet Lao'Mon, who still prodominantly have only a six point astrix."

Tracy breaks in. "Just so our Viewers are aware, what do you mean when you say the Eight point Astrix versus the six point astrix?"

"That is a very good question Tracy, I'm glad you asked. All genetic material is packaged in a double helix." A slight pause from the doctor. "With our eight point helix we in fact have four different sets of double helixes that weave together to form a bond that allows us to become true Shi'ido. As for those that only have a six point Astrix they logically would only have three double helixes together in what we would call a braid formation. Our more advanced eight point helix has a weave pattern much more compact and much more capable of allowing our species to survive."

Tracy then asks, "So what is with this mysterious new Genetic Helix? Where did it come from?"

"The fourth helix, or the "Rage Helix," as those that are on Lao'Mon insist on calling is actually a really rare phenomenon. It is the basis for human DNA as you could find on Kobol and throughout her twelve colonies. This is the superior Gene that allowed our ancestors to conquer Lao'Mon from the ancient predators that once inhabited this planet. It allowed us to form as rocks and slit the throats of our enemies while they used us as pillows. It is our sole purpose for survival."

Tracy then asked another question, "So what happened to it, and why is it back now?"

"Another great question, some from Lao'Mon have called it cellular degeneration, a splitting of their inner gene that was twice as thick and twice as dense, just like them." A slight pause as he let out a science joke.

Tracy Juggs laughs nicely at the old man and his attempt at humor.

"But as for me, and the other true scientists of the fleet I prefer to call it Cyclical Evolution, the fact that what once made us great, is now resurfacing and showing itself for the world to see us as who we truely are, 5,000 year old Descendants of Kobol."

Tracy Juggs then asks, "With so many skeptics out there, how do you intend to show this."

"Simple really, we have samples of our ancestors with the "Rage Genome" we have found these through fossils and other remains. This added with our own current genetic make up has already been sent along with numerous test samples of those unevolved Lao'Monians that do not possess the Rage Gene."

"How did you acquire those samples?" Tracy Asked.

"Admiral Bob Carthridge found a few villages around the world that were more than willing to shed their blood for science, as he called it." A slight smile broke out on the face of Dr. Von Burner.

"How did this all happen?" Tracy asked

"That is a very interesting question Tracy. There comes a point when a species evolves to the peak of their environment. As descendents of Kobol I think we can all agree that Kobol is at the peak of natural evolution, as are any descendents of Kobol. So there comes a point when a species as a whole must do one of three things: One, they must find new land to conquer to allow for different environmental factors to contribute to evolution. Or the lack thereof if you look at our Sagitaron Brothers, we are sorry." Dr. Von Burner looks appologetically at the camera. "Then you have those that evolve further based on a planet's atmosphere and dynamics, take for instance out esteemed and hyper evolved brothers on Caprica. That is the first that can happen."

"What are the other two then Doctor?" Tracy Asked expectantly.

"Well a second fork in the road: is the development of electronics, which invariably leads to AI. We all know how this path ends." The Doctor takes a solemn breath and mutters a silent prayer to the Gods of Kobol that this never happens again to his people.

"The third and final option for a species that is at it's apex is Genetic manipulation." Dr. Von Burner paused for effect.

A slight gasp from Tracy. "What do you mean doctor?"

"I think our Genetic code with the descendents of Kobol's genes at our very center is too perfect of a creation. No where in nature can you find human DNA except from Kobol and their descendents. Thus it is no coincidence that at the center of our eight point helix we have their DNA."

"Dr. Can you please describe why you think this was genetically engineered by our ancestors that previously left Kobol?"

"The idea is simple a double helix is a complex strand of Adenine, Guanine, Taurin, and Cytosine. All combined in their specific and unique ways to make us true descendents of Kobol. Now immagine a double helix as a piece of string. You can't have the string too long for then it will lose it's purpose and eventually have to change the shape of the cell that it is in. Nor can you have two double helixes together."

"Why can't you have two double helixes together doctor?"

"That is a good question. The idea is that in order for a cell to reproduce it has to be able to break apart all the double helixes into single helixes called Gametes which then bond with a mates Gametes. Now with two double helixes you get a spin effect, to where the only logical way to hold them together is by knotting them. This knotting cannot be reproduced by the cell and thus the species will die if they have two double helixes. Once you get to the tripple helix the bands can start holding themselves in place through the braid method."

"Like I do to my hair when I'm bored?"

"Yes Stacey, like you do to your hair when your bored. Now our eight point astrix is in what I have affectionately reffered to as the weave pattern. This pattern allows for simple unbinding for cell mitosis, while allowing for support and storage of genetic material."

"Too COOL Doctor."

"Yes Stacey, it is cool."

"So what do you intend to do with this find?"

"I intend to tell it to the galaxy, it is a joyous day. Five thousand years ago our ancestors chose genetic manipulation as apposed to electrical diversity which caused our ancestors to seek out new planets where our new genetic modifications could thrive and flourish. Which is how we became the single dominant sentient species on Lao'Mon. Again as I stated at the top of the hour. A sampling of our genetic codes along with that of our genetically enferior counterparts on Lao'Mon have been sent to Kobol and are from there being distributed throughout the other tweleve colonies."

"Why did you keep this as such a secret?"

"Tracy as Shi'ido we learn from our past mistakes. We once let Earth SSR know about our intentions for spreading knowledge to the world only to have our ship struck down by AI. This time we made sure that our knowledge could be shared and observed by billions of true Descendents of Kobol before Earth SSR could corrupt or damage this historic find."

"Thank you Dr. Von Burner, you are truely a hero of us, allowing us once and for all to be a true member of our long departed cousins. As always, I am Tracy Juggs wishing you a great night."

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 9:30 am

Greetings to all of our loyal viewers, this is Stacy Warner, here for Caprica City News Network, the leading news source for the United Colonies of Kobol, and all of her territories.

— The Shi’ido Connection—

“Today, a shuttle landed at Caprica City, from our barony in Thebia, claiming to contain the genetic code of over six thousand Shi’ido to be verified at the genetics department at the University of Caprica City, Delphi branch.”

“As we all are aware of, the Shi’ido once claimed to be a colony of the birth place of the human race, Kobol, but now are simply trying to prove that they are the descendants of the planet, and our cousins in the stars. I have with me a special guest, senior archeologist for the University of Hypathia, Dr. Francis Jones.”

“Hello Dr. Jones.” Stacy said with a feint smile. “What is your take on this situation with our barony, out in the Regions of the Galactic Empire.”

He smiled, “Thank you for having me on Stacy. The Shi’ido have been an interesting asset in this whole situation. Although their motives seem to be for power, as they wish to ascend to the ranks of the Quorum themselves, the Shi’ido have acted within the best interest of this nation, by informing us of the secret AI program on Earth SSR, that as we all know had nearly disastrous results.”

“Looking through what few records we have back at Olympus, and abroad, we can find no evidence of Kobol conscripting an actual colony over a galaxy away.”

Stacy nodded, “Yes, but the most recent claims by the Shi’ido are not that they are a colony, but descended from Kobol. What is your take on that?”

Dr. Jones smiled, “Personally.” He said with a pause, “I would not be surprised if their claims are truthful.”

Stacy looked at Dr. Jones shocked. “You believe them?”

Dr. Jones nodded, “Thirty years ago, we all believed we were alone in the worlds, and the only other intelligent life in the stars was that which we built the cylons. Then suddenly that all changed, and we found out that in fact we were not alone. Multitudes of civilizations were out there, and we speculate that even now that is a drop in the bucket to what actually exists.”

“Yes, but how does this help the claim of the Shi’ido that they are our descendants?”

Dr. Jones smiled, “I was getting to that Stacy. Within that short time frame, we know for a fact that Colonials have married and reproduced with many other species. As of right now, there are Two registered Abh-Colonials, a Caprican has become the Empress of the Huntarian Empire, and has three children with a Huntaerian.”

“And last weeks news report of the Nu’Guian strand of Kython known as Guin married a young Caprican male, and is expecting a child. The Ta’nar have been using their psychic energy for years to help with infertility in Colonial women. Legally with the lack of sperm cells that they use, the Ta’Nar are legally Colonials as well.”

“This doesn’t even include the invasion of Miradeth which is in that very galaxy, where our uplifting breeding programs are in full effect, and many Dathomir Witches are being breed with our Colonial soldiers abroad. Coredians have even come forward and claimed some of their children are born of Coredia and Caprica, however these are just rumors, that have yet to be proven.”

“If all of this has happened within the last thirty years, then it would be hubris to believe that a Kobolist, even a single one could not have made his way out there, and mated with a Shi’ido, causing a genetic link between our two peoples.”

“Is there any independent reference that may shed some light on this?” She asked.

Dr. Jones nodded, “In the Archives in Bastion, on their oldest maps there was a reference to a planet beyond the outer rim known as Kabal. It was said that she had thirteen colonies, and that some calamity befell her.

We believe that at some point over four thousand years ago, that there was at least some contact with the old republic, however their lack of education, was proven by the fact they couldn’t even spell the name of the planet right.”

“So it is reasonable to assume, that their claims to be the descendants of Kobol could be true, at least for part of their population. Mathematics has proven that if one Colonial has only one child in their life, that if that one child lives, that in a thousand years they shall be related to over 1 billion people.”

Stacy leaned back in her chair, “And what does this mean, if it is true? Are the Shi’ido a colony of Kobol?”

Dr. Jones shook his head no. “Part of the problem is the lack of education about what a Colony truly means.” Dr. Jones said. “In the Kobolist definition, it is a word which refers to a direct colony, which was registered and given independent rule, by the forum of Kobol itself after directly and officially settling the planet. We have these records for all of the thirteen colonies, as well as there was never a single mention of a fourteenth colony anywhere in our records.”

“Chances are, even if Lao-mans was settled by Kobolist of the Era, it was given territorial status, meaning it was not independently ruled, and instead governed by another system. Politically speaking, the Shi’ido would not be considered a colony.”

“So what ramifications would this have, if the DNA tests prove that at least Bob’s branch of the Shi’ido are in fact descended from Kobol?”

Dr. Jones leaned forward. “It would be this nation’s obligation to help and to protect them, and offer them at the very least Semi-autonomy within the United Colonies of Kobol as an Auspice, along side our Auspice at Miradeth.” He said looking into the camera. “Although I will note one thing in their evidence. It would seem to explain the difference between Bob’s Group, and the native Shi’ido?”

“Oh?” Stacy asked

“If you notice, the six helix Shi’ido as Tracy Juggs reported are passive people, while Bob’s Eight helix group is in fact warriors. So few have been able to continually win a war against so many, much like our people often do in battles. At least Culturally, and tactically, Bob’s Shi’ido do seem to resemble us, even technologically.”

“And this is proof?” Stacy asked. Dr. Jones shook his head no again, but continued, “It does lead to a good circumstantial case for Tracy Juggs accusations.”

“Well that is all the time for now, thank you so much Dr. Jones.”

Stacy turns her attention back to the Camera.

— Medical Expedition to Thebia —

In response to the newest news broadcast, the native Caprican President Michael Henderson of the United Colonies today asked the Quorum of Fourteen to send out a medical expedition to Thebia, the planet under Bob Cartheridge to independently verify the gene similarity between Humans and Shi’ido.

“After some negotiations, and heated discussion about barring Dornie-Colonials from the crew, due to safety concerns, and the intense anger between the Thirteenth Colony and our barony, the Quorum elected that the UCS Welbutrin would be assigned to the medical mission.”

“The Welbutrin is stocked with the latest and most advanced medical facilities in the United Colonies, and will be able to independently verify if the rebel Shi’ido faction is of Kobol’s origins.”

“The President today was quoted as to saying, ‘If these allegations are true, we can no longer turn a blind eye to our unclaimed children across the galaxy. It is the duty and right of this government to insure the safety and well being of all Humans in the galaxy, no matter how different they may be. Our constitution demands that this government investigate their claims to the fullest, and if is proven true, must protect them and bring them into our fold, as an Auspice of the United Colonies of Kobol.’”

— The Abh Empire —

In a press release statement today, The Abh Empire announced that it will be negotiating with several companies within the natural borders of the Twelve Colonies and Ophion, to help with trade flow. The news was a welcome one, and there have been rumors that Admiral Spoor is thinking of opening up a branch office on Scorpia.

— Protests in the Streets of Los Angeles —

“Today several protesters lined up in the streets of Los Angeles to protest what they call, “The unfair treatment of Empowerds” Cuts to a scene of a male holding up a sign saying, “We are your future, your gods, you should bow to us, not oppress us.”

“It is unclear if this protest will become violent or not, but as it’s happening on Earth SSR, who really frakking knows what will happen next.”

Up next, Your local weather.

by **New Dornalia** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:04 pm

*Cuts to Louise sitting at the desk, she's twiddling her thumbs, smiling, and whistling nervously.*

*Opening music.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

OOC: Done with OG's aid.

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

Former President MacIntyre today paid a visit to the President-elect, Michael Henderson and his wife in Caprica City today to hold what the Former President called a "Meet and Greet."

"The wife and I came by to talk to our duly elected leader on matters of both business--such as government, and what I've been doing, et cetera--as well as pleasure. I found him to be a cultured gentleman, and quite charming," MacIntyre said.

The MacIntyres spent the day with the President-elect and his wife. According to sources, the events were generally pleasant. At the rose gardens outside the Presidential office, President Elect Henderson, and the reportedly first lady... Ms. Henderson spoke of both personal matters, and concerns for the future of the nation.

President Elect Henderson's office told us today that their meeting with President MacIntyre was very productive, and that they both shared many of the same concerns for the safety and security of this nation, and promised to work closely with MacIntryres staff for an easy transition into office.

His office also said that the President asked Mac for his BBQ Ribs recipe, stating, "those are the best ribs I have ever had!"

The reported Abh first lady, was seen walking with the Coredian First Lady Hunteligh today through the grounds. First Lady Huntleigh-MacIntyre was seen having a somewhat pleasant, if guarded conversation with the Abh, about various subjects, most notably stock investment tips. The Abh was strangely quiet as she walked with the Lady Huntleigh, not really saying too much. One source replied, "Don't worry, my investments will turn a profit." with the classic emotionless expressions that her species is noted for, to which Lady Huntleigh reportedly replied, "As will mine. I'm sure of it," with her characteristic Mona Lisa Smile.

In other news, Lawrence Parseegian, the individual responsible for yesterday's protests, was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace. Not much else is known at this time.

*cuts to Louise, witnessing Myrna having hijacked the news halfway through. She is pissed, and snatches the mike.*

"Coming up--can you use white chocolate to cure cancer? Stay tuned!"

by **LaoMonians** » Thu Mar 03, 2011 1:02 am

Tracy Juggs is seen smiling as ever, "Good morning viewers. Today we have a first for our historic blood thirsty fleet. Today marks the first day that another force of fleet has boarded our ilustrious fleet. Though do not be worried, and please put away your sabers. Today we welcomed the Independent Crew of Scientific Observers sent from our Cousins from Kobol."

*The sceen cuts to oddly geeky scientists walking off the Caprican their distinguished Caprican vessel all to be greeted by every Shi'ido cheerleader for every major sporting event. Once the shuttle door opened and the first scientist made his awkward stroll off the ship he was greeted by two female Shi'ido who instantly grabbed him under each arm and began escorting him and welcoming him aboard Bob Carthridge's flagship. This also happened for every scientist that exited the vehicle. For the one female that looked like she might be a dyke one bouncey female and one buff male were sent to hedge their bets."

"This is truely a historic day for us. No one knows what these scientists will find, all we can hope is that they find the truth." Tracy Juggs said with a knowing smile. "As always viewers, I'm Tracy Juggs inviting you to a future of potential. Good night for now."

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Fri Mar 04, 2011 4:32 pm

Greetings, this is Stacy Warner for Caprica City News Network. All of the News and none of the guns. Tonight, a lot of things seem to be happening so I will not keep you waiting.

--- People’s Acolytes Elect New Grand Sensei ---

Yesterday at 2100 hours, on Tovarichiigrad Mars, Henrietta Elizabeth Collins, of Long Beach California, was elected Grand Sensei of the People’s Acolytes in a vote of all the temples across the United Colonies of Kobol by a margin of Nine Votes to Four, with four split votes, over her opponent Lawrence Parseegian.

Grand Sensei Collins, has recently gained fame and popularity with the Dornie populace of the United Colonies for her exploits and adventures in the Campaign with the Abh Empire, last year. Her Vanguard Unit known as “The Best Army Under Heaven” has captivated Hollywood in recent months, making her election to the Grand Sensei position highly expected.

In her acceptance Speech, Grand Sensei Collins promised to continued to fight for the rights of Empowered people, through peaceful means in accordance to the law. So far her opponent has not given his concession speech, and activist are wondering if he will attempt to have a recount, and force the split votes to side with him.

We here at Caprica City News Network would like to wish G.S. Collins, good luck in her term ahead.

--- Shenanigans in the Unknown. ---

Picon Command, a few hours ago announced that they have received the results transmitted by the medical ship, UCS Welbutrin today. According to the General Surgeon on board, over forty five thousand Shi’ido were selected at random, by Colonial medical staff, to gather a large sampling pool to test their genetic code.

In a shocking result, the mitochondrial DNA of all forty five thousand, was a 97% match, to some of the same Mitochondrial DNA within Caprican Society. The additional three percent, according to geneticist is accounted for random mutation that would have occurred naturally over five thousand years.

“This news collaborates the results given to the Delphi Academy of Science, along with Caprica City university. Although officials still do not believe that they were a lost colony of Kobol, the evidence clearly shows that at least at some point in their history, a Kobolist woman did procreate Admiral Bob Cartridge’s faction of the Shi’ido people.”

“No word has come from the Quorum about what to do yet with this new information, but president Michael Henderson has scheduled a meeting of the legislative body for tomorrow afternoon to discuss the findings. In a press release written by the president, but addressed by, the…” Stacy paused, “Ok I’m sorry to stop reading the teleprompter, but I am tired of not knowing her name. Can one of you please bother to figure out who this Abh is?” she demanded of the lackies. Stacy smiled at the camera. “THe Unnamed Abh Queen, until I know her actual name and title…. Delivered his speech today at a local college.

She said that she and the President were very interested in a lost group descended from humanity’s home world, and that she would along with the president would do everything in their power to bring them back home.”

--- New Deal on the Horizon. Good news for Mothers, or bad news for traders?---

Today, the President’s office received word from the Abh Empire, specifically Emperor Gaf’ton. In a news conference today, the Unnamed Queen of Kobol, announced to the public a portion of that text.

To the office of President Michael Henderson:

The Abh Empire would like to extend a congratulations on your recent election to the post of president of the Colonies. It is hopeful that we will be able to work more formally with you to maintain good relations between the capital and your collective worlds in the interest of galactic stability. As a matter of demonstrating a willingness to work together, the Empire is willing to offer your world the same birthing technology that the we use. It will ensure that your worlds will have generations to succeed your own regardless of any physical defects. In exchange for this technology, the Empire would like to acquire rights to shipping lanes for goods coming and going throughout the Colonies. It is a process that will help us simplify matters in the future.

Benevolently yours,
Emperor Abriel Nei Doubzei Gaf'ton
Abh Empire

The Queen, Stacy said with a grin, as she teased the woman on the television, Did not read the entirety of the letter, citing that the other portions were classified.

After a few questions, she announced that President Henderson, had come to an agreement with the Quorum, about giving the Abh five trade routes in exchange for this technology, namely between Caprica and Kobol. Kobol to Earth. Miradeth to Orphun, Virgon to D’hara, and Aeralon to Caprica.”

Amongst the questions, the Queen replied, “We do not take possession of the goods within the cargo holds, we are meerly transporting it for you. It is in your own best interest, as Abh ships, not Colonial will defend their cargo, and if any is lost, we shall reimburse you. That will save your fleet from the dreary job of protecting transports, and doing more productive things, such as hunting down cylons and force users.”

When we asked an analyst, we discovered that cost effectively the Queen was right. With women using artificial birthing technology from the Abh, they will not have to take off work for 6 to 12 weeks of paid leave, nor drain our health care budget, saving us 1.5 trillion, saving us more money that the Abh are asking to protect our goods.”

--- New Ship Commissioned at Hera Ship Yards, Miradeth ---

Today, the office of Governer Fionna Mason has announced the creation of a new warship, the Imperial Star Carrier. At 13:45 Standard Caprican time last week, the capitol of the Auspice of New Kobol finished a ship that they called, “Would revolutionize Colonial Designs.”

The ship dubbed “The Apple and the Serpent.” Rolled off the framework yard today, and is bound for completion at Scorpia Ship yards. The Imperial Star Carrier, is the first of it’s design, and is scheduled to replace the aging battle star fleet within twenty years.

Stacy smiles into the camera once more. Up next… Does Huntaerian Entertainment rot your brain. The answer is yes, physically it does. You’ll see why, in a few minutes.

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Sun Mar 06, 2011 6:33 pm

“Greetings all, this is Stacy Warner for Caprica City News Network, the only Colonial International News network that isn’t held together by the swat team.”

--- Medical Break Through ---

Today, on Orphun, a joint research project between Ta’Nar and Colonials created a break through on stasis technology. The project was to update current cryogenics technology within the United Colonies, to increase patient survivability ratings within the process of Cryogenics, not only for the transport of critically injured personal, or persons with diseases, but also for the transportation of prisoners.

“The jointly lead Research project manager, a Nu’Guian Kython by the name of Geneva, today spoke to the press about the latest break through of the medical stasis field, and how it could lead to further advancements.”

A young woman, who looked no older than Eighteen years old stood at the podium. Next to her on the right side stood a Ta’Nar, and on her left several older men and women aging from the age of 34-68.

Gently the woman tapped the open microphone, sending a squeal across the room. “Hi.” she asked in a chipper voice, “Is this thing on?” As her voice was fed to the loud speakers, she turned and smiled. “Ok, sorry about the loud screeching noise, my cousin is such a jokester.” she said, as the pitcher of water turned into a normal kython, and crawled off the podium.

She flipped her hair to the side and looked into the camera. “Today, after spending millions of cubits, and a lot of time from my parents the Ta’Nar, and my great and fun cousins the kythons.” the woman said with a smile, “Seriously he’s a riot, did you catch him on that show for president. The Abh skit was great.” she said breaking off from the normal speech for a moment before continuing, Colonial, Kython and Ta’Nar have invented a stasis chamber which is 100% effective, and has no risk of side effects, unlike normal stasis fields, and cryo chambers.”

She shook her head as she mentioned the cryo freeze, “like freezer burn.”

She looked out to an unamused crowd and sighed before turning her head to the kython sitting on the floor. “I told you I’m not as funny as you.” she said to it, as a metallic screeching sound came out from the Kython on the floor. “Haha, funny.” Geneva replied, sarcastically.

She tapped the mic again, and continued, unphased, “Today using Ta’Nar advanced dimensional theories and technologies, we have invented a stasis pos that in fact blocks the fourth dimension of time, thus freezing the individual inside permanently, until the stasis is broken. Now many of you may ask how this works, but I’ve been informed by Colonial dignitaries, that is this the Twelve Colonies, and Technobabble is extremely boring, and isn’t done here. So for you folks out there in the galaxy, sorry, can’t say, except it’s really complicated and confidental. If you want techno-babble go ask someone from the Federation, a Huntarian, or a Dornie”

The Nu’Guian Kython smiled into the camera, “Thank you all.” As she said that, the Kython at her side screeched then belched, causing laughter to erupt across the audience. Geneva sighed as she looked down, “You just had to show me up didn’t you?” The B-Stand Kython shrugged, then what could be seen as a smile, or a feral threat it bared his teeth. The camera phased out.

Stacy shook her head, “Up next, Markem Jolts was the first gladiator on Kobol to win his freedom. His full story after your local weather.”

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Tue Mar 08, 2011 8:39 am

OOC: This post is meant in full jest, making fun of all regions of the UCK, based on todays NS poll.

Greetings from beautiful down town Caprica City. This is Stacy Warner, coming to you live from Studio A, here for Caprica City News Network. The most reliable news in the fourteen worlds.

Today, an independent survey done by the Galactic Empire, turned up shocking results. According to their neutral poll, it would seem that Colonial Citizens are better armed, and have more arms than their Dornie Counter parts.

“Here to discuss this strange turn of events, is our guest, Dr. Pamala Mall.” A woman in her thirties smiled as she turned to the camera. “Thank you so much Stacy, for having me on your show.”

Stacy smiled, “You’re welcome. So what do you think about this most recent poll? Is it true.”

Dr. Mall smiled as she looked into the camera, “I believe it is true. The Census took into accounts all citizens of the worlds, and had the criteria of actual working guns. Although the Colonies really have a bit of false advertisement, as most see Caprica as the only colonials, most other nations seem to forget about other worlds such as Tauron, Saggitarion, Gemenon, Virgon, and of course Aeralon, all of which have exceedingly high ratios in gun ownership.”

“Well would you say it’s unfair then to compare only one Colony of Kobol, to the other 13?”

Pamela shook her head no, “The Dornies location and notions of self identity and nationalistic movements make it a reasonable claim to keep it separated on the Imperial rosters.” Dr. Mall continued. “But if you took into account all of the silly unworkable toy that they produce, then it would be possible for the Dornies citizenry to out match that of the other thirteen colonies.”

“What do you mean by unworkable?” Stacy asked.

“Well first of all, most of their guns are made in China, a region of earth known for cheap labor, and cheaper parts. These things wear out very fast, leaving the owner with a useless pile of metal. Also one must discount such inventions such as the skull gun. Granted that you have to cut out part of the brain, which most of us Capricans know the Dornies don’t use much of, but if you fired it once, the brain is a very soft fleshy organ. The barrel would push back through the skull killing the user.”

“And lets not even talk about the shot gun glove. The force from that would break the users wrist. Then there’s Uncle Jimbo. Paranah bullets? Come on, Parana are large fish, no way you could fit one in the size of a bullet. At best maybe a mortar, but then the fish would die once it was shot. And don’t get me started about improbability weapons. Damn things are as likely to turn your hair into flowers, as it is to harm something.”

“So why do the Dornies claim to have more guns?”

“Well simple they do. But I wouldn’t say they were effective. What do you expect when most of your inventions come from Douglas Adams or Comedy Central?”

“Thank you so much Dr. Mall. This just in, the office of Governor from Miradeth has chimed in on the recent poll by the Galactic Empire. According to a statement from her office, Governor Mason, has said the following, “Our women are fully capable of defending themselves with the assets the goddess has given us. We don’t need a surplus of very large guns to make up for our.... short .... comings, as the Colonials and Dornies do.”

“Our training is good enough that we don’t need to “stroke” our “small” egos, as they need to.”

Stacy smiled, as she turned towards the camera. “Those witches seem to turn everything into a penis envy joke.” She said shaking her head.

“Up next, Coredian mail order brides. Are they more trouble than they are worth? The answer coming up... oh never mind I’ll answer it for you now. Yes they are, don’t get one.”

by **New Dornalia** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 6:10 pm

*cuts to Louise and Myrna staring each other down over the last cookie. The tension is thick in the air. They try to keep snatching it from one another, smacking each other's hands each time they try to pick it up. In the last attempt, Louise snatches it and decks Myrna, eating the cookie.*

*Opening music.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS/EARTH ECONOMIC NEWS

Firearms corporation stocks fell in the wake of revelations today that according to recent surveys, the 12 Colonies actually outrank the Thirteenth Colony in terms of overall firearms ownership.

"Well, we were quite surprised at this. Everyone knows Dornalians are famed throughout the 14 Colonies for having a high firearms ownership, proportional to the population thereof. The survey itself is likely using flawed criteria for its examination, although I'm not surprised our Caprican friends are running with the results," said Chairman Jackson, head of the Dornalian Rifle Association, the Colony's premier firearms advocacy and safety training group.

Adding later, Jackson said, "We do however, acknowledge that the other Colonies are likely left out of these surveys, usually."

When asked about the veiled references to NORINCO and its low quality in the report, Jackson had this to say.

*cuts to Jackson stroking his NHM-90 AK lovingly. It has a ginormous scope on it.*

"I'm not qualified to speak on behalf of North China Industries Corporation, but I would like to challenge Dr. Mall to fire a NHM-90 AK for herself, and admire the smooth trigger pull and accurate hitting at 400 yards. As a proud owner, I don't see what she's talking about."

In other news, NORINCO is preparing to sue the makers of the study, declaring, "These fart-breathing dicksuckers have it coming. They've libeled our products with their shitty survey, products we've spent good money testing and selling. Let's see those smug bitches eat our shit once we hit their farts with the sweet air freshener of truth!"

For its part, the Consumers Union to Negate Turpitude had this to say.

"NORINCO's full of shit. Just so you know."

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Albert Hagopian, founder of the Gunmetal Cowboy casino in Las Vegas, announced he will open up a new series of nightclubs named Uncle Albert's Classy House of Leisure.

"I mean, you got the Golden Eagle. Ya got Club Spoor. I figure, the consumer needs a more discerning experience. So, why not a Classy House of Leisure?" said the venture capitalist, cutting the ribbon in front of the flagship location in Las Vegas.

The nightclub, which opened inside the Gunmetal Cowboy, is the largest of its kind in the city. It has 25 lanes for rifles and pistols shooting up to .50BMG and for energy weapons up to turbolaser strength, six bars serving all manner of luxury drinks, private rooms in the back staffed by Madam LaRue's Classy Courtesan Service for all manner of "adult" services, and a menu featuring Chinese Inspired dishes, including filet mignon peppersteak, Kung Pao kobe beef sliders and ginger fried tilapia.

Hagopian plans to expand the club with a location in Los Angeles, as well as locations in other places.

*cuts back to Louise. Myrna barely climbs back onto the table, and frowns at Louise as she finishes up.*

"Coming up. Volcano insurance. A must buy, or a recipe for disaster?"

by **Orthodox Gnosticism** » Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:27 am

Breaking News Alert!
People Acolytes Inauguration Sparking Unrest!

---

Stacy looks into the camera. “We have just recieved reports from Mars, in the Dornie sector of the UCK, that fighting has broken out in the inauguration of the dornie lead People’s Acolyte’s movement on Mars today.

Shows clips of Dornie guards pointing a M-4 assault rifle at one of the protestors, and missing their shots, as lightsabers ignite. In the background one can see the former president of the Colonies MacIntryre, and his Coredian wife Huntleigh, along with a very lax security detail.

“Today at the Inauguration of Henny Collins, the next grand sensei of the People’s Acolytes, a protester that according to Colonial intelligence was named Lawerence, started an attempted coup of the religious order of force users founded by the Dornies. Lightsabers ignited, and the dornie guards missed, proving their usual ineptness at any kind of security, which put the grand sensei, and the former president of the United Colonies in jeopardy.

“Today to talk about this latest event is former security analysts Vick Gaius.” She turned her chair to a screen of a man in his mid thirties with dark colored skin, and a shaved head. “Thank you for speaking with us today Vick.”

“It’s my pleasure, Stacy.”

“Tell me.” Stacy began, “Are you surprised by the events that are transpiring on Mars?”

Vick shook his head no, “Not at all Stacy.” The man began. “Dornie culture is a peculiar thing, one that claims democracy, but in all actuality adheres to a dictatorship of sorts that can only be voted out by the gun.” He said to the camera. “From our internal intelligence, the Dornies have always been lax when it comes to enforcing the laws of the United Colonies of Kobol, and their security forces have always been laughable even to that of Miradeth and Saggitarion.”

Stacy looked shook her head, “Can you put that into perspective for us?”

“Of course. MacIntryre is the former president of this nation. When you have a leader or a former leader, the Dornie Marshalls, and security services should have taken charge, and made sure that no one in the audience had a weapon. The Dornies of course did not do this. This is a major breach of the most basic security protocols, that even uncivilized backwards nations like the Coredians would have had in place.”

“I see” said Stacy.

“It is a fact that in recent years, the Dornies have de-evolved. When we first joined in unification with them, they appeared to be as highly socialized and cultured as the rest of the colonies, but in recent years, what we like to call John Wayne Syndrome has kicked in. Basically the entire populace has broken down into a wild west mentality, where the rule of law no longer applies.”

In the camera, a picture of the inauguration continues, and zooms in on a Mythridar. “For example this subject.” Vick continued. “This person is from the nation of Mythrindar, and should not be allowed a weapon anywhere in the United Colonies of Kobol, let alone, within a room with the former president.” Vick continued. “This is just another example of how the Dornies continue to ignore our constitution, and our laws.”

Stacy continued, “What do you think we as the Colonies should do about this?”

Vick nodded, “Well the president earlier today, cancelled a trip to Los Angeles, after hearing about this event on Mars. I do think that was a good first step. If I was him, I would be on the phone, with their newly elected Governor, and Representative in the Quorum Kung, who is on vacation on Earth, telling them to solve their security breaches, and start enforcing the constitution.

Stacy nodded, “And what if they do not desire to do so?”

“It is fully within out power to use diplomatic pressure to begin bargaining. Pulling back the Assault stars from Dornie protected areas is one method, as well as cancelling orders coming from earth and her territories. We also can pass resolutions against the Dornie populace, and if this violence and violation of our national sanctity continues, the Quroum should quarantine their people until it is resolved.”

“What about measures to send in Colonial troops to the Dornie controlled area, in martail law if the violence spreads.”

Vick shook his head no again, “I don’t think that will be necessary.” Vick continued. “In order to have lasting peace on a Dornie world, we would have to change the entire culture of Dornalia. Such a change could only come at the cost of over ten billion Dornie lives, and that is a cost I do not believe would be right for the Twelve Colonies. It would be better to kick them out of our union before that.”

“I would also like to add, that the Dornies are horrible shots. As you can see in the clip, the Dornie Security guards, had a bead on the ring leader with assault rifles, from less than twenty yards away, and missed. The Dornies obviously don’t know how to shoot worth a damn, my six year old boy could have made that shot. Hundreds of bullets have been shot, and so far not a single person has been hit, in a small confined space.”

“I see. Well that’s it for time, thank you so much.”

“It was my pleasure Stacy.”

---

Stacy turns back into the Camera

“The PA temple on Miradeth today was burned to the ground, after last week’s body of a witch was burned at the stake.” Stacy continued. “Local police forces on Miradeth have not been able to find any bodies around the burnt People’s Acolyte building, housing all of the Acolytes in the planet, but did say they found Rancor tracks outside of the temple.”

“Although many bloggers are speculating the Witches of Miradeth have attacked and wiped out the People’s Acolytes in a retaliation for the burning of one of their sisters last week, police on Miradeth have stated there “is no credible evidence implicating the witches, in this attack.”

---

President Henderson today, in a joint statement, with Quorum Representative Chaffin, has decried the violence in the territory of Mars. President Henderson stated, that he called the Governor of Earth today, ordering her and her planet to begin to comply with the constitution, and basic security measures that all of the Colonies are expected to under federal law to comply with or, “Face the consequences.”

Representative Chaffin also stated today, in a phone message with Kung that “The lawlessness and cow boy attitude of Dornalia will no longer be tolerated, as it was under MacIntyre. When your own president was in danger, because of Mar’s lax security measures, that is a slight in the face of all of the United Colonies of Kobol."

by **New Dornalia** » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:40 am

OOC: THanks to OG for helping craft some of Myrna's dialogue.

IC:

*Opening music, as Myrna is given the goahead. She suddenly switches to a Generic News American English, with hints of Southern twang, as Louise winces.*

"Hello, I'm Myrna Lee Maitwell, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

BREAKING NEWS

We now go live to Louise Cheung at Mars, where apparently, a gunfight is breaking out...Louise?

*cuts to Louise Cheung ducking and avoiding gunfire at the Inauguration ceremony. She is where the Mac is in the theater. She has dual Berettas in each hand and a Bowie Knife in her mouth. She spits out the bowie. Shaky Cam is in full effect.*

"This is Louise Cheung, reporting live from the Inauguration of Henrietta Collins where all hell has broken loose. I repeat. All hell has broken loose!"

*Louise reloads her dual berettas and opens up on an Acolyte dual-wielding MAC-10s, shouting.*

"ANTI SEMITE!"

*Louise then ducks and reloads, continuing the news.*

"Apparently, the carnage started not but several minutes ago when a man whom my sources have identified as Lawrence Parseegian attempted to launch a coup d'etat against Henrietta Collins, recently sworn in Grand Sensei. It's been hell and back since. I was gonna ask a few questions of the President, but then we ran into some trouble. Excuse me."

*Picks up bowie knife, runs a rebel through the gut and shouts, URAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!*

*cuts back to Myrna*

"So.....have you heard what the Colonials have been saying about this occasion?"

*cuts to now a side by side style broadcast, as Myrna watches in horror as Louise removes the knife.*

"Yeah. Total horse shit."

*Myrna holds her hand over her mouth.*

"But...they had some valid questions about security--"

*Louise looks at the screen.*

"Well, they can take those questions, wipe them in the blood of the man I just stabbed to death, and use them as anal beads."

*Myrna frowns, lapses into Southern.*

"Now wait just a minute! Those boys had some legit concerns about the safety of our ex-President!"

*Louise then shoves the camera into footage of Nadine opening up on rebels with the Sten SMG and then shows Mac plugging a man with the King Cobra revolver Nadine tossed to him, and then shoves the camera back to her.*

"Tell those nanny-staters back on Caprica that they have nothing to worry about."

*Myrna looks horrified.*

"But...you're the sensible one!"

*Louise runs another man through the throat and then bites into it, tearing the man's throat out with her teeth with a feral battlecry before spitting out the efflua.*

"Shut it, you stupid twit!"

*Myrna flips out.*

"But they mocked our accuracy!"

*Louise picks up a Beretta and shoots two rebels in the head.*

"That looks damn accurate to me."

*Myrna goes on*

"What about the fact that we're violatin' federal laws on aliens possessin' weapons!? It's true that..."

*Louise joins the President's party, shanking another man mercilessly*

"Not. Fucking. NOW!"

*Myrna facepalms*

"At least consider the fact that Senator Kung is being condemned by the Quorum for her people's irresponsible behavior...."

*Kung takes the camera, and speaks calmly.*

"My secretary can handle all complaints. Thank you!"

*Myrna looks speechless, and embarassed for her people. Still she nods.*

"Stay safe, everyone."

*turns to the screen.*

"Well, we'll have more stories for you, on the top of the hour."

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