Galactic Empire HoloNet News [FT | IC Closed]

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News has this to report.

A female reporter fills the air with her long flowing blonde hair and her dazzling blue eyes. "Today our planet of Lao Mon was found to be at the epicenter of the new "True Thirteenth" constellation Orpheum. As a direct result Grand Admiral of the Armadas and protector of the hopes of millions Bob Carthridge had this to say 'For too long our vote as the legitimate air of the thirteenth colony has been held back. Now we not only demand our vote in the Quaram of twelve. But we also demand that it be renamed to the Quaram of Twelve, plus Bob. Also for refusing to hear our votes, we demand reparations for damages committed by the Quaram of the Twelve against the new and Improved Quaram of the Twelve plus Me, BOB! For these reparations all we want is the right to represent the Quaram the same way they have represented us over the past 3,000 years. Namely making a vote on our behalf over the past 3,000 years. With that in mind all we ask is to make the next set of laws over the next three hundred years, maybe then the quaram won't be so backwards, and maybe then they will have a president who is worth throwing a military COOP for. That is all for now good people of Lao Mon, from this point forward let it be known that it is our birthright to be the leading portion of the new 12 Colonies of Kobol Plus BOB!'

The reporter composes herself for a second as she lets the image of the burly dictator in chief flow through her head, and then says "Thank you sir, as always, may you never fault the hand that strikes you from behind, but be ever vigilant till the day you are struck. As always, the patriotic news network of Lao Mon will be followed by our nightly prayer and worship services to the most High Bob Carthridge."

End of captured transmission.

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Network Bulletin.

Tracy Juggs, the bubbly and bouncy Anchor for the Shi'ido evening news breaks into the local Media outlets just before the Playoff games are to be aired and viewed by billions.

Standing in his full military gear, complete with an assortment of his finest in hand grenades and machine weapons fully loaded is Grand Admiral of the people, and the Savior of millions Admiral Bob Carthridge, to his side in a white lab coat is an elderly gentleman with wild and crazy curly white hair spraying everywhere about his head along with his glasses which seem to be being held to his face by his excessive eye brow hair.

Admiral Bob Carthridge begins to speak, "Today it is my pleasure to introduce to you our foremost expert on our history of our race and etemology of our language, Professor Burren Von Grubber."

Professor Burren Von Grubber bows to the admiral and then presents his speech as he begins he brings up a star chart showing two distinct locations one being Kobol and one being the famed and glamorous planet of Lao-Mon. "Fellow Lao-Monians, it is my pleasure to bring this information to you of our glorious peoples and our beginnings..." Admiral Bob Carthridge is then seen gesturing with his hand in an attempt to speed up the pace.

"Yes well, long ago we descended from Kobol, it is conclusive due to our lineage being derived from Shifters of lore from long ago. It should also come as no surprise that our ancestors were in fact a faction of misunderstood minorities that were banned from Caprica thirteen of our generations ago, roughly 4,000 years ago by most galactic standards. With that in mind it should come as no surprise that our name of our planet Lao-Mon, is in fact our ancestral way of saying Kobol. If you notice the slight pause when you say Ko-bol you will begin to see the etymology of how the our long lost and backwards descendants began to bastardies our language and in turn lost sight of what Ko-bol truly means "to Shift." For you see no one is shiftier than a colonial, in particular no one is as shifty as the Impostor to the Admiralty, De Bruyn. De Bruyn is also a word that is familiar to us Shi'ido, though this one's etymology isn't nearly as long as we are all taught in our elementary classes De Bruyn is the word for coward and inevitable traitor. Our history books our filled with the facts and foundations of our ancestry from Kobol, and will prove beyond a cowards doubt that we are in fact the real Thirteenth Constellation and demand to be seen as such. Our First vote, we demand a vote for a new presidential candidate, "I for one Nominate Grand Admiral Bob Carthrage."

A LOUD booming applause of approval is heard along with presidential trumpets and confetti is seen falling at the announcement of Admiral Carthridge as a new candidate for the Presidency.

Admiral Bob Carthridge manages to pull off a convincing blush as he tries for the first time in decades to crack a smile on his old war raddled face, but fails. "You are too kind. In the wishes of my people and for the best interest of all descendants and future descendants of Kobol I accept the role of running as the new president of the colonies. I Bob Carthridge approve this commercial."

"You heard it here first," Tracy Juggs cuts in still bubbly as ever, "Our Admiral and Savior has taken it upon himself to right the wrongs that have happened to us and all future generations of descendants of Kobol. Gods bless him! Now back to your playoff matchups, GOOO Shifters!!!"

End of captured transmission.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of the facility. It's still being rebuilt. Louise is onstage, and she's eating a Welsh Rabbit sandwich. Jane is next to her, twirling her Colt Python like a wannabe cowboy. Louise looks at her worried.*

"Um....revolvers don't have safeties you know. Be careful when you do that."

*Jane sighs and keeps twirling. She keeps it up until, as Louise moves to take a bite of her sandwich, Jane accidentally triggers the revolver. The shot flies through the back end of the sandwich, cleaving it in half and sending the back half falling back into its Hello Kitty lunchbox. Louise looks at Jane horrified, as the Producer quickly seizes her revolver and gives her a stern warning. Both parties are massaging their ears due to the trembling inside.*

"Cut that shit out!"

*opening music. Jane dips her head low in sadness, before picking up the papers and reading them.*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

Recent attempts to claim Thirteenth Colony status by a group known as the Shi'ido today were met by the President with this simple statement.

*cuts to the President sitting on his couch, signing off on legislation as he watches Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon with Nadine making tea in the background.*

"OHOHOHOHOHOHO! You're shitting me, right? Right?"

*camera shakes head no. Mac sighs and rubs his temples.*

"Look. I've read their reports. I've read their claims. And I find it hard to take them seriously. So I'm just gonna say this. We were here first. We're humans, you're not. And I think as the Colonials have it set up, being human is a very big deal. I mean, if this is because of Orphuca, well, guess what. They're settled by Kobol, so they're humans of the most humany kind, so don't get any funny ideas.

So yeah."

*turns back to Enter the Dragon as Nadine serves him tea and madelines.*

*cuts back to Jane at the studio*

"In the words of some very wise men, 'not a single fuck was given that day.'"

In other news, President MacIntyre has announced that he will attend the inauguration of the new judge and Quorum delegate of Orphuca. In an official statement, he said he was "honored to attend these proceedings, which are a milestone in Colonial history."

*cuts to Louise trying to snap fingers next to her ears to make sure they work, as Jane reads off the rest of the news.*

"Coming up, how it's easy to get and enforce a Restraining Order, especially against your daughter's scumbag boyfriend. FIlm at 11."

*cuts to a commercial with a hobo sitting on the street.*

"I wonder what to do with my life."

*Sexy lady in a Colonial Fleet uniform walks up to him and hands him a sword.*

"Let's do something with yourself, why don't we?"

*Hobo picks up the sword. He instantly is hit with a bolt of lightning from the sky--it's not clear if its Zeus or God, to keep it non-denominational. But the man suddenly turns from a hobo into a Colonial Fleet officer who looks like a Mr. Universe contestant. Waving the sword, which is now on fire, the city crumbles around him to reveal a dragon made up of the heads of Cylons, grey aliens, and figures that look like Luke Skywalker. He rushes the dragon, and slices it apart in an epic Lord of the Rings-style showdown, before peeing on its remains.*

"URRRAAAHHHH!!!"

*The man then eats the flesh of the fallen dragon, and turns to salute a Colonial flag as millions of others like him do so. Voiceover narrates.*

"The United Colonial Fleet. Yes, it's like this."

[LaoMonians]

Breaking News

Tracy Juggs breaks in the televised playoff game that has now gone into sudden death overtime. "Sorry viewers, but it appears that the pompous unofficial president has once again made an "inspiring" tale. Perhaps you all have heard the original cast done by the Pompous tyrant where earlier he had these words to say.

*cuts to the President sitting on his couch, signing off on legislation as he watches Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon with Nadine making tea in the background.*

"OHOHOHOHOHOHO! You're shitting me, right? Right?"

*camera shakes head no. Mac sighs and rubs his temples.*

"Look. I've read their reports. I've read their claims. And I find it hard to take them seriously. So I'm just gonna say this. We were here first. We're humans, you're not. And I think as the Colonials have it set up, being human is a very big deal. I mean, if this is because of Orphuca, well, guess what. They're settled by Kobol, so they're humans of the most humany kind, so don't get any funny ideas.

So yeah."

*turns back to Enter the Dragon as Nadine serves him tea and madelines.*


Tracy Juggs cuts back into screen, and continues to talk as the film keeps rolling after this point. "What the Pretentious and unjustified President didn't realize is that the cameras kept rolling, and through pains taking efforts of our "information league" we were able to obtain the rest of this "awe Inspiring" film.

*Cuts back to the president watching his movie, then after a few seconds he stops, and turns to his coredian girlfriend and says, "Hey watching all these sweaty men dance to music gets me hot, wanna have sex?"

The coredian girlfriend then turns to him and asks, "Have you had your ED pills today?"

"No, not yet."

"Ahh, you know with your Erectile Dysfunction it takes you a couple of hours to get it up. Tell you what take two pills and call me in the morning if you can get it up. Till then I'll be down the street banging the Sagitaron news boy." With that she leaves the room.

The president then distraught attempts to play the movie again, but then realizes that he can't any more as it will serve no good until his ED pills kick in. He then turns hits the intercom and says "Admiral, I need the distraction."

The voice of Admiral De Buryn is heard on the other end of the intercom "bringing the distraction."

A short time later Admiral De Buryn is seen entering the room with a Large 3ft by two foot cubed toaster under one arm and a large two and a half foot long scale model Battlestar Galactica under the other arm.

The Admiral then says "ready to recreate the way the initial battle of Kobol should have gone?"

"As ever." The president says still rubbing his temples.

With that the Admiral then plugs in the toaster, putting in the scale model of Galactica into the over sized toaster. Then pressing down on the large black lever the entire model of the Galactica was fully immersed in the toaster only to be propelled in a blaze of fire and melting metal not ten seconds later.

"Oh no, it looks like the Galactica is on fire whatever shall we do?" The Admiral asked with a smirk on his face.

"Fortunately I am a registered fire fighter." With that the president attempts to unzip his pants and trys to alleviate himself on the burning structure, but cannot. After a few seconds Admiral De Buryn says, "your going problem might be a "growing" problem."

"I know, I know." The president quipped back.

"That definately wont help with your ED."

"Yes yes I know."

"Maybe if I went first?" The admiral asked.

"Sure, anythings worth a shot at this point."

With that the Admiral then unzips his pants and begins to piss on the burning model of the Galactica. "If only I could do this more often in real life, I can only get by with my one inspection of the infernal ship a year as part of my morale and welfare inspections."

"I know, I wish I could just do it now." The president then defeated zips up his pants as he realizes the fire is now out. "Oh wait, what's this? Galactica is a literal shit storm..."

Tracy Juggs cuts in immediately "Oh, my Gods, you have to take my word we had no clue that was on there. Wow, I have never been so...that is disgusting."


A short time later Admiral Bob Carthridge cuts in and says "It is a terrible mock what the president has done to the prestigious and glorious Battlestar Galactica. To bastardize the glorious image of a national treasure of such magnitude is beneath any true patriot."

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to Louise looking smug and proud of herself. She's collating some papers, and winking at the screen, as the Producer praises her.*

"Great job out there, Lou. Keep that up, you'll make anchor, for sure."

*Louise nods. Then, Jock and Jane walk inside the studio, drunk. The Producer is pissed.*

"Goddamnit. I thought I told you two to work the Colonial Adult Video Awards."

*Jock flips off the camera and sits down next to Louise. He smiles threateningly, before the Producer begins the show early.*

*opening music. Jane and Jock try to stop Louise, who promptly slams their heads together and shoves them backwards.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

Stocks for various tech companies have risen today upon news of the Morningstar Coalition's offer to begin a joint venture with companies in the UCK in a scheme to sell cybernetic augmentations, the profits of which will go to the purchase of United Colonial goods and services.

In particular, stocks of the Big Three Earth MegaCorps have risen recently, amidst leaked info from industry sources that all of the big three have begun competing for the potentially lucrative contract. In particular, NORINCO and HT Industries are rumored to be pursuing the biggest bids, with Spoor Holdings limiting their involvement to those technologies pertinent to their field of expertise--genetic engineering.

"While sales, let's face it, will be likely slow in the 12 Colonies themselves and what will happen in the 14th is decidedly unknown, the Thirteenth Colony's market for cybernetic augmentations is one of the biggest in recent memory. We're in the middle of a boom here, and it represents a golden opportunity for companies such as the Big Three, whose medical divisions have always been looking for something to one-up firms such as Bremen-Seburo and Bremen-Shirow, who are masters of this market," says Colonial Business Daily's Earth Bureau Chief, Axel Green.

On a side note, authorities are investigating a recent DDoS attack on HT Industries corporate HQ that left the company without access to the HoloNet for an hour yesterday.

*cuts to Jock and Jane being forcibly ejected out of the studio as Louise cleans up a mysterious fluid from her suit with an exasperated look.*

"Right. Coming up, how to get those nasty stains out of any kind of fabric."

*cuts to a commercial which will be edited in later*

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

OOC: Too much to report on now...

Hello this is Stacy Warner, for Caprica City News, the most trusted name in news in the thirt….. Oh I am so sorry, fourteen Colonies. Tonight’s top stories.

Today, the newly appointed judge to the High Administrative Court on Lebran, the Honorable Felix Niska, and the Delegate to the Quorum Francis Adams were sworn in, at the Capitol steps here in Caprica City.

Clip begins to play….

An older gentleman, with white skin, and gray hair holds up his right hand. Behind him are President MacIntryre, and Admiral De Bruyn, while Andrea Hester the speaker of the Quorum held a copy of the sacred scrolls of Kobol.

“Mr. Felix Niska.” Andrea said, doing her best to put on the political smile. “Please place your right hand on the sacred scrolls, and repeat after me.”

The elderly man put his arthretic hand on the bound up holy text of Kobol.

"I do swear in the name of all that I find sacred and holy, to safeguard the Constitution and the laws, to care for the faithful observance thereof, to rule fairly and honestly, to protect the rights and liberties of the Colonials and to serve the general interest and the progress of the Colonial People"

The man looks straight into Andrea’s eyes, as he recites the oath.

“Then by the power invested in me, by the Constitution of the United Colonies of Kobol, and given the fact that you are of sound mind and judgment, able to carry out your duties, I proclaim you, High Administrative Judge for the Colony of Orphuca.”

The then smiles again as she shakes his hand. Behind him another man comes forward. A younger man in his mid thirties, with darker skin, and black hair, the man raises his hand.

“Mr. Francis Adams of Orphuca, please place your right hand on the sacred scrolls of Kobol and repeat after me.”

"I do swear in the name of all that I find sacred and holy, to safeguard the Constitution and the laws, to care for the faithful observance thereof, to defend the national independence and territorial integrity of the Country, to protect the rights and liberties of the Colonials and to serve the general interest and the progress of the people of Orphuca."

With a smile, beaming of pride, Representative Adams recites the oath.

Andrea then shakes his hand as well. “Then by the power invested in me, by the Constitution of the United Colonies of Kobol, and given the fact that you are of sound mind and judgment, able to carry out your duties, the Quorum of Fourteen accept you as the delegate for the Colony of Orphuca.”

A round of applause sounds, as the historic moment occurs.

“It was a truly awe inspiring moment.” Stacy continued over the background. “There has not been a new colony of Kobol in over four thousand years. We here at Caprica City News Network, wish our best to the new Judge and Delegate, as they head to their offices to begin their great duty to the people of the Fourteen Colonies.”

Stacy looks back into the Camera and smiles. “At the press conference, Mr. Adams had this to say.”

“Today is a proud day not only for the people of Kobol, and the new Colony of Orphuca, but for all of the Territories, Auspices and Colonies alike. Today, for the first time in four thousand years, Kobol has shown with this symbolic gesture that she and her colonies are prosperous and successful. Today we break the molds of the past, and join with our Sister Colonies into a new Era. A era of economic stability and of success.”

The youthful black man continued, “Let it be known that Orphuca, like all of the other thirteen Colonies will work diligently to protect our constitution and our way of life. Orphuca today pledges itself and it’s vote, not only to that of herself, but of all of the Auspices and Territories without a vote except for one day of the year. Orphuca has not forgotten our roots in the Auspice of Kobol, and shall strive to bring equality towards the Auspices and Territories, which hopefully with the lords of Kobol’s blessings shall have equality in our great Oligarchy.”

Stacy smiles into the camera once more. “Truly inspiring words, from the newest delegate of the newest Colony, Orphuca.”

“In further news, Caprican delegate to the Quorum Michael Henderson.” Picture comes up to the right with him walking along side a young looking Abh in a military uniform, “Has petitioned the Colonial Marshalls into researching the allegations of a secret tape from last nights news broad cast by the UCK’s Barony, Lao-mans. In this video, a man who appeared and sounded like the president and the Admiral of the Fleet did things that although we don’t have censorship in Caprica City, shall not be repeated here. Representative Henderson had this to say.”

A scene of him walking down Caprica City streets with a paper in his right hand and a cup of coffee in his left. “I am certain that the Marshall’s investigation shall find that this video was a hoax, and that there is nothing substantial to it. Even so, I have directed the Marshalls to subpoena the video from our barony who claims it’s become part of the United Colonies of Kobol.”

One reporter asks, from behind the camera. “If the video isn’t a fake, what then?”

Michael shook his head. “As much as we hardly see the president or Admiral here in Caprica City, I really doubt he would be so stupid as to have such ill harbored feelings towards the other thirteen colonies of Kobol, nor piss on a national symbol of this country. Aside from that, I will decline to answer what ramifications would happen if Caprica City’s Colonial Marshal branch finds this tape to be accurate. It would be up toa vote of the Quorum.”

“What about the protests on Aeralon, which are calling for a vote of no confidence in President MacIntryre, and Admiral De Bruyn.”

Michael smiles into the camera. “The video was distasteful and provocative, and we promise that the a full investigation is under way. As far as I know, Representative Schmidt of Aeralon hasn't filed for such a grievance against either of the two, and as such extreme measures are not up for consideration at this time.”

The reporter was about to ask another question, as the Abh to the Representative’s right opened the limo door for herself and got in. “That is all, thank you for your time. If you have any further questions, please call my office.” With that the limo door shut.

“Following the wake of the video release, Earth SSR has announced a single deal with The Morningstar coalition which will only take place for the thirteenth colony. Following reactions to this, have been steep, as President MacIntryre’s poll numbers today in a poll of the entire nation dropped sixteen percent, giving him a approval rating across the United Colonies of 41%.

One angry man had this to say.”

“First he pisses on Galactica, and now he makes a deal which only profits his Colony. Frak you Mr. MacIntryre.” an angry man on the streets of Caprica shouted while giving the camera the bird.

Another person had this to say. “First he can’t find a Colonial girl to frak, and instead dates a humanoid Coredian, and now this. Where are your loyalties Mr. President?”

In further news, stocks in Spoor Industries sky rocketed when the Morningstar Coalition deal was announced, as well as the Big Three Coalition. Orphuca has also announced an aggressive plan to offer grants and tax breaks to any and all medical research foundations across the United Colonies of Kobol.

Stacy shakes her head at the anger generated from the video

"And lastly today, The Elemental Nation of Coredia today has requested to aid the newly founded colony of Orphuca today. This request is met with some skepticism, as it was another nation by the very same name that had attacked Caprica City twenty five years ago, with a Weapon of Mass Destruction at it's Embassy here in Caprica City. No concrete details on the deal have been stated, but Representative Adams did say that he was willing to discuss the nature of this financial aid to their colony."

Up next, your local weather.

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Network "If it's not exciting then you probably didn't hear about it from here first."

Tracy Juggs is on the screen looking less than her typical perky self. "Good morning viewers, today our leader sent classified documents of our "information league" to the Quaram of the Twelve plus Bob. All names have been blotted out as to protect future sources, though one has been named as the originator of the video. One William ReFore, a former film editor for the president, who got fed up with the reports that he had to edit down, so he could protect the president over these last six months of work has been too much. We have him here today. Tracy then turns to her right and sees a young man who looks like he just got out of college and had his first job as an intern for the presidential media team.

"Good morning, well it seems that you are a bit of an international hero. Today we are doing our broadcast from a secret location so as not to give away your location before you yourself hand in the information to the Quaram of Twelve plus Bob. Tell us of why you did it, and why don't more people go forward, before you."

William composes himself in the questioning chair and then begins to stat, "I like most students that graduate from college realized after college that I wanted to be in politics, and I like many had the idea that our president was a great role model and someone that you generally would want to aspire to. 'A president who doesn't interfere with the workings of the galaxy as a whole so work can get done. One who seemed to be more about efficiency than his own ego.' Though that idea was quickly ruined as I found myself editing countless tapes in the editing room trying to make the president seem as inoffensive as possible, which is why mostly all you see is his thirty second clips of him sitting at the Xbox, or watching an Asian Movie in a near catatonic state. Then yesterday as I was editing his speech and found his actions, I could not help but realize enough is enough, though my career as a political film editor might be over, I will not let my moral integrity be bought especially not by one who would desecrate such a national treasure."

Tracy then speaks, "Good luck to you, and may the Gods speed your journey."

"Thank you Tracy, I hope to present this information before the Quaram today at their 1100 meeting. I will also have the original with me, which I will personally swear in as evidence to the Quaram."

Tracy then turns to the camera, "You heard it here first, I'm sure your story will inspire millions more to come forward against the ineffective and unpatriotic President."

With that the News cast goes out and you can see the make and model of the ship that they are piloting, a standard model Freight runner with a red racing stripe down the side, then you see the sun of the Earth Constellation as the shuttle begins to make its arduous track from Earth to the Quarum.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to Louise sitting alone with her Welsh Rabbit sandwich. The Producer intervenes to cut her short.*

"Lou, we're on! Stop eating the damn sandwich and get fucking moving!"

*Louise puts down the sandwich hastily, accidentally, spilling her Quick Revive soda on herself as she moves to clean it up.*

*opening music. Louise goes ramrod straight.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President MacIntyre today fired back today in the latest round of what the LA Times has dubbed "The Great Shi'ido-Colonial Trollfest," responding to tough questions and even outright anger from the public over the veracity of certain videos claiming to be the President engaging in traitorous activity, namely the use of the UCK Flag as toiletries. Holding a Press Conference from the Presidential Manse, Mac had this to say.

*cuts to Mac in the gardens of the Presidential Manse, chatting with the press with the Admiral of the Fleet, and his assistant Lyndie Uys.*

"Ladies and Gentlemen.

It has come to my attention that slanderous film footage of me has been leaked, purporting to be myself and the Admiral of the Fleet engaging in traitorous conduct. I have reviewed said footage.

I want to come here today and say some choice words on the subject.

One. I would like to say definitively that neither the Admiral or I have done any of these stupid, senseless things which the Shi'ido claim we have done. Representative Henderson is right in saying that, yes, I do often take working vacations, but I harbor no ill will towards any Colony, or the people within. Likewise, the Admiral has only worked towards the good will and well being of the United Colonies. We have done nothing which has occurred on the tapes.

That leads us to subject two.

We are fully cooperating with the Colonial Marshals' investigation of these shenanigans. Any and all records, either audiovisual or written or digital, whatever, are being submitted for their consideration and scrutiny. The Admiral has done likewise. Our staffs as well as ourselves are open books to the Colonial Marshals, and we will answer any questions, respond to any interrogatories, attend any depositions, and comply with any subpoenas they make of us and our staff. We have nothing to hide in this matter, especially when our good names are at stake.

Thank you."

*cuts back to Louise in the studio*

"THe President has indicated that he will stay in Caprica City for the duration of the investigations, as will the Admiral of the Fleet and all of those mens' respective staff. Attempts to contact the President for further questioning, however, were met with a simple, "We are not allowed to comment further on an ongoing investigation."

*Louise then sighs as Jock falls from the ceiling onto the newsdesk, grappling Jane to the death. Louise sighs and keeps going as the two struggle.*

"Coming up, how one man's Elvis obsession turned into a fight for freedom in a distant alien land. Stay tuned."

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Bulletin,

Tracy Juggs comes on the scene this time she has a very angry and bitter face. "Today during a press conference our Current President, who was not elected in a free and fair election process, had some inflammatory remarks to make about our proud and distinct race, blessed desendants of Kobol and Gods fearing honest tax payers. Here is the quote from the president earlier today. Before we begin this fotage let me warn some viewers that it contains vial and rude language demeaning to our race. Also let it be known that a private press conference was held in which he "professed his innocence," yet not one Shi'ido was allowed to be present to ask any questions of substance. Here is what our racist president had to say."


The scene then cuts to president MacIntyre reporting before an ansemble of reporters, of which NOT ONE Shi'ido was allowed to be present.

"That leads us to subject two.

We are fully cooperating with the Colonial Marshals' investigation of these shenanigans."

Tracy Juggs still livid with rage, manages to take in a deep breath and then let it out slowly as she begins, "That's right the Shi-N"" word. Never since our time of liberation for peace, have we been called the Shi-N word. We thought as a whole we were past this point, but now the president under close scrutiny as our mountain of evidence moves ever onward towards Kobol and then Inevitably towards Caprica, our president resorts to racist slurs against our people. Fortunately our TRUE Admiral and protectorate had this to say."

*Cuts to Admiral of the fleet and Liberator of the Peoples Bob Carthridge*

"Thank you Tracy, now as you well know I fought against those that would oppress and enslave us to a live of civility and quiet contention for years. It is also true that I once ripped out a political rivals guts with my bare hand and fed his appendix to him while on the steps of our Senate building for calling me the Shi-N word. Now I know it may appear for me to be weak not to turn to our president now and conduct the same treatment of act-right, but I know in time our evidence will Arrive from the Freighter Hero 117, which will have all of our information about the president the Admiral and all others in this corrupt government. The government that we are so proudly a part of due to our heritage and birthright, as descendants of Kobol. I also know that after 11:57 Caprica standard time, when our ship inevitably lands, our documents will prove beyond anyones shadow of a doubt that the President did in fact conduct the film footages that are seen.

Once this Evidence arrives let it be known that I will personally lead the charge to have a new and fair presidential election, in which we the rightful thirteenth Constellation will be represented and have our voice heard, even if it means hearing more than a few of the Shi-N bombs in the process. Do not fear my children, the Truth residing on the great ship Hero 117 will land, proving once and for all for us to be the Martyrs in all of this."

Tracy Juggs cuts back in, still angry, but somehow relieved knowing that Admiral and Protector of the Fleets Bob Carthridge is fighting against the racism and oppression that has befallen her and her lost colony of Kobol. "Thank you sir, it is an honor to have you lead us. Gods bless you."

With that the transmission ends.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to Jock once more attempting to sext. The Producer intervenes to cut him short.*

"Jock, breaking news! Grab your pants!"

*opening music. Jock goes ramrod straight.*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

More words from President MacIntyre today in "The Great Shi'ido-Colonial Trollfest." As the Lao-monians fired back, accusing in their own way the President of committing a racial slur, the President had some tough words for the Barony, whose activities have fixated an entire nation.

*cuts to the President, who's once again standing in the Presidential Manse's gardens, in Caprica City. Reporters are there to watch.*

"I say this to the Lao-mans Barony, whose twisting of my words into an insult was, by the way, not amusing nor an intended offense on my part, but rather a colossal misunderstanding used as propaganda fuel involving an old colloquialism.

That amateur student film you showed on HoloNet News is not in the least entertaining. In fact, it's what the lawyers would call 'libel.' Written or recorded content wholly without merit whose sole purpose is to smear the subjects of its baseless attacks and ruin their reputations. The purpose can be to drive them out of office or otherwise sow discord for some other ulterior reason. Either way, it is a form of deceit whose ultimate motives can only result in chaos and destruction.

What's even worse is that a substantial portion of my own citizens have fallen for what amounts to a clear attempt at baiting the people of the United Colonies with what Holonet slang would call "trollbait." False or provocative material meant to incite negative emotional reaction, for whatever reason.

Why do I say this? Well, I can only say this much for now, to avoid looking like a dick:"

*Gives icy stare*

"We are not amused.

This is especially as I would like to address the issue at the crux of this matter. That we of the Thirteenth Colony are the real Thirteenth Colony and not these jokers. We have said that before. However, I think it's time that we spoke a little more at length on the subject, considering as these pretenders really haven't bothered, in their sophistry and their focus on just trolling the United Colonial People, to really care much for actual facts.

The people of Earth are descended from the people of Kobol. The genetic records prove it, as the genetic strains of all individuals born on Earth or its offworld settlements, even over a period of genetic drift or isolation, are easily linked to Kobol's people. The documentary evidence--hard documentary evidence, confirmed as legitimate--proves we are from Kobol, especially in the prevalence of artifacts discovered around the Mediterranean Sea Region on Earth which can be easily linked to their home temples on Kobol. Culturally, Earth languages, alcoholic beverages, and suchlike has been definitively linked to Kobol. It's just been mutated a lot.

And finally, I had my people do some research on these Shi'ido. I'd like to address their claim in the first place. I am nothing if not a man of academic integrity, and I know sophistry when I see it. Having been raised under a Stalinist regime that promised Peace Land and Bread when it delivered none of those, Sophistry is easy for me to spot.

First of all, I've been to all the universities, both in the Twelve and on the Thirteenth. Hell, I've even scoured GE records and scoured scientists about to go to the Fourteenth Colony for work. From what I could tell, the Shi'ido are a humanoid species that doesn't like to say much really about themselves, and likes to inquire into the cultures and affairs of others. So, I wasn't able to gain much culturally about them.

But what I did gain about them was that they possess the ability to shapeshift. That's right people. They shapeshift. The young ones can look like humans or even skin jobs. The old ones can turn into anything from rocks to trees to your auntie's prized hookah she bought in Turkey last year. They also can project psychic fields that persuade others that they don't just look like people, they smell like people too.

Now, having compared the records I found from our Academicians to what's known about these Shi'ido, I can only say this much. Their claims just don't hold water. No human--pure human from Kobol, mind, or any of their descendants on the Fourteen Colonies--has been able to shapeshift. We may have powers on the Thirteenth, and the people of the Twelve may possess skilled actors, but I know of no Colonial from any of the Colonies that can naturally shapeshift.

And before our Shi'ido friends say anything, this is after an internal audit of the Empowered population of the United Colonies, carried out by the People's Acolytes. They document people who can turn their skin into metal and such, but nothing like the full body transformation as well as the psychic masking effects the Shi'ido are likely to possess.

And note that this isn't using some "secret report" or whatever that will be conviniently lost. This is all off-the-library-shelf information, which is easily available to the general public in any good encyclopedia or textbook or even a Holoband/HoloNet search. Their sophistry in the use of flimsy etymological reasoning to justify their origins is all they seem to have to justify any claim they have on Colony status, in comparison to the mountain of scientific evidence which clearly states they are not.

So what of the "student film" I just mentioned? Now, given that these people can shapeshift, and can apply a psychic mask to make their acting look really convincing, I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that the film is fake.

I'm no forensic film analyst, but even I can tell that is not me in that footage. The Admiral can tell that is not him. The Admiral's bodyguard/aide-de-camp/adjutant Vice Admiral Lyndie Uys can attest that is neither of us in those videos, and definetly not Nadine Huntleigh in the other libelous video shown by the Lao-monians.

The Colonial Marshals investigation will likely demonstrate all of this. However, given the easily obtained knowledge stated above, given their powers--it is an easy assumption to make that they have staged the whole thing for some libelous purpose. What purpose, I am not sure. However, whatever the purpose, it has brought about ill-effects--namely, discord within the Colonial people, who have fallen for what amounts to an ill-advised sophomoric prank of galactic proportions.

I call upon the Shi'ido to answer these charges, because that's our story and we're sticking to it. Oh and while we're at it, if they have something they want to say to me, they should say it to me, personally. I have open office hours. Use them. Don't sneak up on my people's political processes. Thank you."

*Cuts to Jock rigging some kind of device onto Louise's seat, before quickly turning to the camera. He coughs, and stashes a can of shaving cream, whistling awkwardly. He then picks up and looks at the teleprompter.*

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

Sources within the Big Three Earth MegaCorps indicate that the ongoing bidding war known as the "Morningstar Bonanza Brushfire" is in full swing, with the three MegaCorps defining their bids and submitting them as we speak to the Morningstar Embassy.

As this has occurred, rumors have spread of various events occurring around the Big Three, but none of them have offered to comment. However, the sudden blackout at NORINCO's LA Headquarters which left the facility inoperative for fifteen minutes and disabled several mobile phones is currently under investigation.

On another note, famed escort company Madam LaRue's Classy Courtesan Service has seen its stocks rise, and is apparently under consideration by the Escort Service Review, Earth SSR's Escort Industry newsmagazine, for "Escort Service of the Year," credited with helping to restart an industry in the Thirteenth Colony that had been chafing under overregulation for years through "savvy business decisions, smart marketing, and a crack team of lawyers."

Speaking from the company's headquarters in Pahrump, Nevada, Jeanette "Chesty" LaRue had this to say.

*cuts to a woman who's the splitting image of Christie from Tekken 6. She's wearing a business suit which is rather flattering to her curves, and holds a clipboard.*

"Well, it's been a banner year for this company. We've expanded by leaps and bounds. We couldn't have done it without our customers and our employees, who get out there and put in work and cash."

*cuts to Louise covered in what looks like flypaper, shaving cream and bad poetry, sitting next to Jock. The Producer is motioning for her to calm down. Jock is snickering. He then continues.*

"Coming up. We go undercover in the world of cross country poetry biathlons. A great way to introduce your kids to the arts? Or is it too dangerous? Find out."

*cuts to a scene with a man in a cowboy outfit stumbling on the sands tired. Falling down, he looks at the camera sweaty. Tired. He's parched. Cut to his Point of View. Now, the desert landscape becomes images of a bikini babe with a vending machine full of hamburgers and colas.

He crawls forward. Stumbling on, he marches forth, gasping and taking the food. Sipping the cola and eating the burger, he looks at the chick and thanks her. Chick then smiles.*

"That good, eh?"

*Cowboy nods.*

"That's all veggie."

*The Cowboy barfs, as his cola cup turns into a salad and his burger turns into a rather ill kept veggie burger and the babe turns into a hippie bearded lady who could really use a shave. Cuts to a title card, with voiceover.*

"Guaranteed to not happen at our restaurants. Big Beef Burger. All beef. All fun. All awesome."

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Network.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl8r9M4TYJE (Tears for Fears-Everybody wants to rule the world)

Tracy Juggs gets on the screen, sitting behind her desk. "Before we begin our transmission today we would like to point out that our news organization was funded by the Huntaer Nation, in particular Grand Moff Richard M. Nixon. Today our Esteemed Unofficial President once again made attacks against the righteous and Gods fearing people of the True Thirteenth Constellation. In an hour long prepared press conference in which all reporters were only allowed to observe and gasp on with awe and wonderment at the fact-less rebuttals that came forth, tyrant MacIntyre droned on, though after careful watching and viewing we were able to find three Nuggets of truth in his speech. Now we present them to you in no particular order.."

"I'm no forensic film analyst..."

Tracy Juggs breaks into the conversation stating, "We completely agree, as such any statements you might have to say about any "forensic" evidence presented should not be listened to until you are told by a qualified technician as to what to think."

"Having been raised under a Stalinist regime that promised Peace Land and Bread when it delivered none of those, ...is easy for me to spot."

Tracy Juggs again cuts in stating, "That is so true, all you have to do is look at the way he's running his planet Earth SSR into the ground and you will see how he is able to spot himself, all he'd need is a mirror that didn't break when he looked at it."

"I call upon the Shi'ido to answer these charges, because that's our story and we're sticking to it."

Tracy Juggs then states, "We know that this is your "story" and that this is what you will be sticking with. We fully understand how easy it is for a president to present an argument without people asking questions and how you can begin to spread your Stalinist Propaganda any way you choose. Though we, being a privately funded news organizations thanks to private funding in particular from Grand Moff of the Huntaer Empire Richard M. Nixon we are allowed to report the truth in a fair and balanced approach where you the audience want to know the truth and we are able to ask the "hard" questions."

Tracy Juggs then pauses and then begins with the rest of the news conference. "Now that you have heard the three nuggets of truth from our illustrious dictator, we are now obligated, as always, to point out where our dictator is greatly and blatantly wrong."

"The documentary evidence--hard documentary evidence, confirmed as legitimate--proves we are from Kobol, especially in the prevalence of artifacts discovered ..."

Tracy Juggs gets on the screen, "So let me get this straight Mr. Son of Intyre your records of being a direct lineage to Kobol dated a mere 3,000 years ago is more realistic than our documents which span the course of 4,000 years? Now sir, correct me if I'm wrong, though I know you will try to correct me even though I'm right, your constellations were desecrated and brought to ground zero 3,000 years ago by your own A.I. which nearly brought you back to ground zero again no less than twenty years ago. So your records were lost, and because you enabled a system that led to your own destruction and downfall, which made you lose all trace and semblance of your past, it is OUR fault? We know we are from Kobol, as our stone structures from 4,000 years ago prove that we were just as proud then, as we are now of our Kobol ancestry.

"So what of the "student film" I just mentioned? Now, given that these people can shapeshift, and can apply a psychic mask to make their acting look really convincing, I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that the film is fake."

Tracy Juggs states, "Now if you remember from the beginning of this news conference, you heard our un-official president state ""I'm no forensic film analyst..."" Though now he is contradicting himself, which seems to be a common trend of his, as he is now stating before Forensic Analysts can verify as to whether or not the information presented is in fact edited or not. Aren't we allowed a right to present evidence about anyone regardless of rank or position? Also, what is this whole psychic mask that the president alluded to? If I personally could apply a psychic mask then I guarantee I would be spending less on my cucumber facials that I get performed to my face as often as possible."

*A slight pause and reelection add for Grand Moff of Huntaer Richard M. Nixon is aired and displayed for all to see.*

"As always I am Tracy Juggs, proud to give you the truth of what matters, each and every night."

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

Stacy looks into the Camera and smiles. “You mean my segment is now the highest rating news show in the Colonies?” She asked with a smile beaming.

The producer nodded, “Yup, this scandal is great for ratings. People are eating it up, now aren’t you glad you listened to me in your interview, and...”

“We’re live in 5... 4...

Stacy winks, “Talk later.” 3...2...1....

“Hi, this is Stacy Warner with Caprica City News Network, the most viewed news network in the fourteen Colonies.

“Our top story tonight, a surprising character witness has come forward and spoken out in favor of President Mac Intryre, while Caprica City Marshals still await that red striped ship from Lao-mon to evaluate their evidence.”

“Speaker of the Quorum Andrea Hester of Geminion, long thought by earth to be the political rival, of president MacIntryre, held a press conference today from her office on Geminion. The Speaker had this to say.

“Although I will not comment on the ongoing investigation by Caprica City Marshals, into the alleged misdeeds of President MacIntryre, and Admiral De Bruyn, I personally do not believe that the allegations are true.”

“President MacIntryre is a good ole boy. A great follower, a person who is more likely to sneak into back yard barbecue, like Yogi Bear after a picnic basket, than to be at Caprica City to give his input in governing the fourteen colonies, her auspices and territories.”

She then smiled and continued. “He is more likely to sign his credit card receipt from Subway, than to sign any bill.” Andrea continued. “He is one of the laziest presidents ever in Colonial history.

“The President doesn't have the initiative to put down the bag of Doritos, to have ever had the imagination to create such an elaborate staging of the Battle of Kobol.”

“His current girlfriend Nadine Huntleigh is just another example of this. President MacIntrye is so lazy, he had to order a Coredian mail order bride, instead of going out and actually getting someone with good genetics and taste, like a Colonial, or even a Dornie.” Andrea continued.

“And to answer the film editor who was anonymous from Lao-mons I will say this. The real reason that President MacIntrye is always seen on the Xbox, or watching a movie, on the couch, is because that is all he does all day. Half the time I have to get some aid on Xbox live just to let him know that he’s three weeks behind schedule on his job.”

“In short, no, I do not believe the ultimate welfare king, MacIntryre is guilty of these crimes. He would actually have to get off the couch to do it.”

The scene cuts back to Stacy who shook her head. “Strong words coming from the Speaker of the Quorum. I am not sure if that was an actual defense, or attack, but.... oh I am sorry we have to cut to commercials.”

Commercial begins:

Fallen- Time is on my side - Rolling Stones

The city is nearly destroyed, buildings are burning, and a small child lays in the street crying over his dead mother. A woman walks up, wearing the People’s Acolyte Symbol. Then another, in a brown robe looking very much like a jedi.

The girl looks up to the two people. “Help me, they killed my mommy.” The little girl cryed, holding her teddy bear. The Acolyte, and the Jedi turn to each other and nod. Holding out their hands they pick up the girl using the force, and together in unison choke her until she dies.

The pair turn to each other and smile, as the Jedi pulls out his lightsaber and slices the bear in half.

“Is this a possible future?” A voice over of a woman with an almost Celtic accent asked. “Hello, my name is Luci.” the young red headed woman said, with a small smile on the screen. “It is a fact, that the human race’s destiny is to over come the gods, to rise up to the level of our creator and smite them down for their sins against us.”

“These so called gods.” She said pointing back to the image of the jedi and people’s acolyte, “are the modern incarnation, the ones who have brought death and destruction to the human race and aliens alike.”

“Flashes images of everything from the battles on Coruscant, to the bombing of Caprica City, to the tens of thousands of other disasters force users of every kind have done on NS history.” “That is right, it is our birthright as humans, to bring down these gods. But who is strong enough to do it? Who has the ability and strength of heart, to hunt down these grave threats to the human race, and bring them to justice. Who can do it?”

She smiles into the Camera. “I can.”

An image of a black man with a shaved head, and Colonial uniform. “I can.”

The image morphs again into the little girl that was killed. “I can now!”

“The Bloody Hand is an international private group of individuals who have been hunting down and eliminating Jedi, Sith, People’s Acolytes, Psionics, Kirtirs, and supernatural creatures of every kind. Our mission is simple, to make the worlds, all of them a safer place for all of us.”

“So if you have a supernatural pest problem, please contact our home office, and we will take care of it for you.”

“The Bloody Hand”, now licensed officially in Caprica City for the United Colonies of Kobol.



The red headed woman smiled into the camera once more, “Because we don’t want a future like this.” Shows an image of Palpitine holding up his hand and a giant force storm swallows Earth SSR into it.

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Netwrok.

Tracy Juggs is on the screen a somber look to her face as she tries to hold back the tears, she lets it be known "Today at 11:27 AM a mere thirty minutes before William ReFore was to make his historic and monumental landing on Caprica to defame and dethrone the UN-official President MacIntyre, his ship the red stripped freighter Hero 117 blew up before it left Kobol's atmosphere. According to the shipping logs the ship had to stop for a routine stop as it began it's final preparations towards Caprica. So far all reports are suggesting that an accelorator leak caused combustion in the engine mixing with the atmosphere of Kobol upon it's trying to exit ignited the whole engine causing the brave William ReFore and crew of ten to burn up in a fiery blaze that lit up the sky like a bottle rocket in Kobol."

Tracy Juggs fights back the tears once again, as she says, "We will now play the final words of the black box that was recovered from the wreckage."

"Engines, check. Fuel levels, full now. Beginning take off sequence."

A voice from the command tower speaks, "You are going in too hot, change your angle."

"I can't the steering wheel is stuck."

"What's that?"

"FUCK FUCK, oh my gods FUCK!!!"

*A LOUD explosion is heard and then static*

Tracy Juggs now unable to fight back the tears tries to say something, but the words are just lost to her. "I don't, know what to say." Tracy then takes in a deep breath and is somehow able to regain her composure and continues on with, "we knew the tyrant president and his minions were unpatriotic at best, but now to murder innocent people seeking justice, this is just too much. The President should resign if he had any moral integrity, though we all know how he will act. Grand Admiral of the Fleet Bob Carthridge has declared a Galactic day of mourning as one ambitious film student, whose sole want in life was to make the Galaxy better, one William ReFore, has been executed by a power hungry president who will stop at nothing to keep his position. All flags will be flow at half mast, with exception to the flag of Bob, which will be flown at full mast as a sign to the other twelve colonies that We will not back down. We will not Quit! We will NEVER Forget!"

*A closing commercial praising the funding from Grand Moff of Huntaer Richard M. Nixon is played till the next segment begins.*

[Huntaer]

A long fanfare plays as we cut to a giant TV view which has a dashing Huntarian wearing a suit and tie in the middle of a "C" shaped desk with the Huntarian Report in the background at the center of the TV. The TV plays several past segments with a former host and then fades to the actual news room. The man is tapping a pen to the beat of the song and is dancing in his chair, but soon stops when the music fades away. "Ladies and gentlemen, Citizens of the Empire and other lesser beings who might be watching. I am your new host for the Huntarian Report, Mike Pound. Today we will be covering several top stories that are on the minds of all Huntarians. Tonight on the Report, the rising trend of last names in Huntaria, Kobol's newest colony and why Huntarian citizens should even give a shit. Stay tuned to find out more. But first, a message from one of our sponsors." The news fades to a commercial.

We fade back to Mike Pound who is talking on the phone, "No! I told you you'll get your damn alimony check later. Now just pick up the damn kids before the babysitter steals them again!" Mike looks up from the phone and at the camera, "show's back on. Bye." He hangs up the phone, clears his throat and shuffles the papers around. "Welcome back folks to the Huntarian report. Tonight we'll be discussing that major issue everyone has on their mind. Recently we have seen a major rise in last names here on Huntaria and her other planets. Once reserved for the rich elitists and important legendary figures, it is now becoming an increasing trend for the lesser people of Huntaria to get a name. For example, just a few weeks ago I went to the town hall and got myself the last name Pound." He looks off to the ceiling for a few seconds, smiling in wonder to himself, "Mike Pound... A good strong porn star's name..." He shakes his head to get himself out of daydreams of being a porn star and goes back to the news.

"Anyways folks, there's two major debates going on for this issue. If anyone can get a last name that's normally reserved for a rich powerful figure in society and some common poor POS goes and get that name, then the name looses it's value for being associated with such filth. On the flip side, it's anyone's freedom to be able to choose their name as they see fit. This has gotten the nation in such a huge split that they're over looking what I think would be an awesome third option. The government should have people PAY to have last names. Think about it folks. We can make common last names like Smith, Agathon, and Johnson cheap for the little people to be able to buy whereas we charge a ton of money for last names like Nord, Nixon and Cain for the rich. This way the poor still have the option to buy the more pricey last names, but they'd be hard pressed to actually make that decision. Plus, we can always make them work 'em off their debts in slave labor. With people purchasing last names rather than just getting them for free, it'd boost the economy and give us extra money.

"We could always use the cash to help fund the Empire's private project research Make Up for Zombified Dornalian Cat Girls to sneak into Dornie society, and Zombified Hookers for Colonials." *Shows an image of a Dornalian male hitting on a Zombie Cat Girl who appears to be normal, only to have his face bitten and then an image of a Caprican walking up to a Zombie Hooker, only to have his waste bitten off.* Pound looks at the camera smiling and laughing, "those dumb Capricans will do anything for a hooker..." He shuffles through his papers and throws some behind him as he finishes the segment. "Folks there's another major story brewing here tonight. And that is that apparently Cassadra Nord has a daughter loose in the universe, and she's dating a Dark Elf. Apparently she has this to say:"

The video feed cuts to Cassandra Nord with HK standing behind her with his gun at the ready. She is staring out to the crowd of reporters, flustered and obviously pissed off, "the matters of my family are no fucking concern for you vulture fucktards. All though I will have this to say if my daughter was old enough to date a Dark Elf..."

"Mrs Nord! We have reliable sources saying that they saw her on Dornalian records and is well beyond her late twenties..."

Cassandra leaned forward and the podium and pointed a finger out at the crowd, "listen you two-time dumbass piece of shits, my daughter is ten, not beyond her twenties. Now, if you're going to tell me that your reliable sources is some fucking Dornie A.I. then go suck her virtual clit." She cleared her throat and continued on, "now, if my daughter was in fact dating a Dark Elf I would only have this to say: she's dating a half-assed Emo punk pig fucker who's only purpose in life is to work in the cotton fields, make her fried chicken and sit in some fatass pedophile's sleigh who breaks into people's houses at night and takes their cookies. That is all you'll be getting from me. Now get the fuck off my doorstep before I have HK here make you lifeless fuck-bags of maggot meat." She walked off the podium and back into the Imperial Palace with the crowd of reporters rambling behind her.

"Mrs. Nord! We would like another..."

The Bounty Hunter turned around and looked at HK before she continued to proceed into the Palace. He nodded in turn and pointed his gun above the crowd and fired a few warning shots. "Warning: Don't make me do a jig on your insides flesh addicts."

The video feed ends and cuts back to Mike Pound who is leaning behind his desk putting something away. He looks giddy and red eyed. He straightens himself up and smiles to the camera, "god that's good stuff... I mean... Love how they handle the liberal media." He shakes his head and attempts to keep a straight face, "which leads us to the last news development for this evening. Citizens, I'm sure y'all have seen the news debates between the Shi'ido and the Dornie networks. Who's the real thirteenth, fourteenthwhatever colony of Kobol, Mac being a bad president and killing an entire transport of people, blablabla and all sorts of other minor bullshit. Folks, this news has created quite a stir in the Colonies. Now, here's our opinion on the matter: lets face it. Both sides are acting extremely childish in this manner in terms of acting like a proper unified civilization."

"We all know the Dornalians and Colonials are reacting extremely hard to the accurization against their beloved citizen and president, because a whopping 30% believe it to be true. The Shi'ivo want him to be impeached but it's not going to happen. Flames stir up and bla bla bla. I'd like to remind the citizens of the Colononies that this is all just a game and is meant to be fun and not taken seriously. Both sides need to shut the fuck up, accept the fact that none of this is reality." He laughs at the absurdity of life and the universe, "c'mon, this is a universe where TV shows and thoughts from our god's come to being."

"Star Wars meets Star Trek, hashed remakes of Naruto Anime Cartoons, Battlestar Galactica is an old museum who kicks high tech robot asses, Emperors get reborn nine times over and a bunch of other randomass shit that really makes no sense whatsoever." He smiles, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he rocks back and fourth, "god that's good stuff... Anyways what am I trying to say... Oh right. The two sides essentially need to just make up over the incident and recognize that Huntarians are ultimately superior. Ha! That's it for the Report everybody. Remember, if someone tries to hit on you in the middle of the night in some shady alleyway, it's probably a Coredian who can't get laid normally. Just simply kick them in the nuts and shout out that Naruto sucks. Good night." The show fades to black and then plays a commercial.

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

Greetings Caprica, and to all of our viewers on the other thirteen worlds and abroad. This is Stacy Warner, with Caprica City News Network, the network you trust for unbiased reportings on Caprica, and the United Colonies abroad.

The Top story tonight, at Scorpia Shipyards today, Vice Admiral of the Fleet Harry Winslow commissioned the joint project between the Twelve Colonies and the Ta’Nar vessel. The ship dubbed by the Ta’Nar, as “The World Eater”, was officially named by the Vice Admiral of the Fleet as the UCS Oceanus.

“While the ship’s function and internal design remains highly classified, the mammoth eight kilometer vessel, was praised by the Vice Admiral in a later interview, as one of the latest technological leaps forward for the Twelve Worlds.”

“In his press conference, he also expressed remorse that he had to take the Admiral of the Fleets place in the ceremony, but that with the on going investigation with the Colonial marshals, with the Shi’do’s claims, that it was best for all parties for him to remain on Caprica for the time being.”

“Picon Fleet Head Quarters has not said when the ship will be tested, or where, but that it shows great promise, and we expect it to surpass our highest aspirations as all Ta’Nar - Colonial projects have in the past. If successful, a source inside Picon Fleet Headquarters stated, ‘it will give us a technological jump of almost a thousand years.’”

“The UCS Oceanus, was given to the command of Admiral Tamera Adama, of Tauron. In her acceptance speech, she expressed pride not only for the people of Tauron at the command of this ship, but for the Fourteen Colonies as a whole. She also thanked the longest standing ally of the Colonies, the Ta’Nar for their purposal for such a vessel, and heavy contributions.”

“In a final remark Admiral Tamara Adama expressed her sincere happiness at the “Special Relationship” between the Twelve Colonies of Kobol, and the Ta’Nar.”

— Disaster at Kobol —

Kobol - The Home of the Gods

Stacy looked into the screen. “Today, the Shi’do vessel carrying a shipment of what the Shi’do have called “Evidence against the oppressive dictator” was destroyed in orbit of Kobol, after a routine take off from the planet’s surface.

“Locals call it ‘just another victim of the curse of Kobol’, which according to the sacred scrolls, of the Colonies depicts just before the original exodus of the Birth place of the human race, Zeus cursed the planet in a fit of anger that any return to Kobol would exact a blood tax.”

“Although there is no scientific method of determining of the Curse really destroyed the ship, it is a fact that Ship crashes at Kobol, as well as death count is substantially higher than any other planet in the United Colonies of Kobol.”

“Investigators are on the scene searching for any evidence that may have survived the destruction of the ship, as well as the cause of the ship’s demise. As of now, it would appear that there were no survivors, including eye witnesses for the Shi’do, against President MacIntryre.”

“In a joint statement today, the Forum of Kobol, in Olympus met to express their sincere sorrow in the loss of one of the barony’s vessels today, and to promise that a full investigation was under way at Kobol itself. Forum speaker Kerra Nightly had this to say. “This investigation will take time, but it will uncover the truth. Kobol will not allow politicians from her colonies, nor alien governments to distort the findings of this report, and will present all findings to the Quorum of Fourteen on Caprica City when they are found.”

“When asked what would happen if they did, Kerra pointed to the Grand Arena in the center of Olympus. “I don’t care who it is, if it’s Admiral De Bruyn himself, or Grand Moff Nixon, if anyone attempts to de-rail this investigation I will personally sacrifice them to Hades.”

“When another reporter asked if a human sacrifice was done, for the arrival of the Shi’do ship, The Speaker of the Forum replied, “I don’t keep track of the religious rites of the Temples of Kobol.”

---- Economic News----

In Economic news today, Greystone Industries and Lebran Pharmaceutical today have signed an exclusive Contract with the Morning star Coalition. Although details of the contract is not yet released to the public, a speaker for Greystone Industries had this to say.

“This agreement with the Morningstar Coalition, looks to be a most profitable venture, for both the people of Caprica and Lebran, but also for the Morningstar Coalition. With an exclusive contract, it allows our cooperation to work and advance certain products, without wasting valuable time and resources worrying about competing against inferior generic products.”

“Although market specialist wonder what will happen to the stocks on Earth after this announcement, Stocks in the Twelve Colonies had a 200 point trade increase, in the civilian sector, and a 300 point increase in military sector, leading to one of the most profitable trading days in recent months.”

“After our commercial here on CCNN aired last time for a group called the Bloody Hand, government sources have indicated that private funding and grants in the company jumped to well over five million cubits. One government spokesman had this to say. “With all of the uneasiness between the Coredian (Slang term for supernatural people) and every day common people, it is good to see this group stand up to the so called gods of men, and keep them in their place. The universe is tired of these abnormal people, and it warms my heart to see such honorable citizens fighting for the basic rights of the common man.”

---- Huntaria ----

Today, for the first time, Huntaria launched an international news network. However the broadcast was extremely garbled, and we are unclear if the transmitter was malfunctioning yesterday, or if it was just normal Huntarian speech. Either way it sounded like it belonged in the gutter. "Although it would have been good to hear from the Galactic Imperial Lord nation, who has hidden away from the light of the galaxy like a roach from a can of raid, 'No offense to the honorable Lord Atrox', their broadcast at best sounded like the ramblings of an insane man. Our producers here at CCNN, are offering to sell a used transmitter to Huntaria, so that "Their communications network can finally join the rest of the galaxy, and no longer be as backwards as a Coredian in a prison shower."

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to the news team preparing their documents under supervision of the Producer's steely eyes. He's holding an AER9 Laser Rifle, and his patience is running short. What looks like a bandoleer with a confiscated Colt Python, smartphone, and Hello Kitty lunchbox is on his chest. It's obvious he's confiscared all manner of stuff from the team to get them working.*

"Come on, people, get your egos in check--we got news to report!"

*opening music. Jane goes ramrod straight, as the humming of a laser rifle near her tells her its not a good idea to reach for a holdout weapon.*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

More events in the ongoing series of investigations and wars of words between the Shi'ido and the United Colonies today, as President MacIntyre, speaking from his office on Caprica City, commented on both the recent crash and the recent Shi'ido pronouncements made by one "Tracy Juggs."

*cuts to the President at his desk.*

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Colonies--

I'd like to take the time to address these two topics which have been on the news as of late. One is the recent crashlanding of the Shi'ido shuttle on Kobol, the other are the recent Shi'ido comments directed to me and directed to the matter itself.

First of all, let me say that my staff and I will abide by Kobol's orders to refrain from internal interference in its investigation, and allow the world to investigate the crashlanding on its own terms. We will do this, as long as the Shi'ido do likewise.

Item two.

The Shi'ido are once more, ignoring the truth and playing with the facts to get a reaction out of people. The recent commentary by Quorum Speaker Hester, while helpful, is nonetheless an example of that. For the record, while I take many working vacations, they all do involve much, much government business. It's not all jet skis and Carolina-style pulled pork sandwiches. Also, Ms. Juggs, may I say that your news report was not exactly truthful and fair as you say it was, although at times, I found it amusing.

I'm gonna tackle this on two fronts.

First of all, I've been talking with my Academicians again, the ones from all the Colonies. They all agree that the Exodus of Kobol was over four thousand years ago. However, they also point out that no one knows for sure what happened in the "Great Calamity." We have theories, but sadly, not one of them is definitive and not one of them is more right than the other. And this is with all the sum evidence we have, even with journeys to Kobol itself. If our scientific and historical community can't agree on what happened over there, then how can the Shi'ido be sure what happened? I mean, we're Colonials here....we're all descendants of Kobol, and we have Kobol with us. If anything, we're the experts on what happened to us, not some Barony.

Second of all, I'm also wondering how they got the black box tapes so quickly off of Kobol, when the local authorities have only begun their own investigation. Unless they have some sort of teleporter field our intelligence agencies don't know of, unless they have some method that involves say, breaking the Curse of Kobol or whatever, I'm pretty sure they didn't get that tape as quickly as they did. Tragic as that accident is, I am highly skeptical that their investigation somehow moved faster than ours did over our own mother planet's.

In fact, they're paying so much lip service to Grand Moff Richard Milhous Nixon, I'm inclined to question their journalistic independence. Why do the Shi'ido need to keep insisting they are independent journalists, even as they praise the Moff?

I tell you why. Because a really independent journalist would seek the objective facts, no matter how much his masters would pay them, and wouldn't need to keep praising their patron with every ounce of their breath not spent spreading sophistry and shoddily edited news segments. The fact they keep praising them causes me to ask--are you really independent? Or are you really just saying what he wants you to say?"

*cuts to Jane*

Tough words, from the President. On another note, sources close to the President have indicated he has officially elevated John Fitzgerald Kennedy to the position of Special Advisor, possibly to counteract any reaction on Nixon's part. No comment came from the State Department on that regard, although a request for clam chowder of all kinds was forwarded to Caprica City restaurants.

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

Shares of Lebran Pharmaceuticals and Greystone rose today on the Earth markets in the wake of the announcement the two opted to partake of the Morningstar Bonanza. According to analysts at the Earth Bureau of the Colonial Business Daily, investors are finding the two companies an increasingly attractive option, especially after Lebran's recent alliance with Tennenbaum Labs.

Additionally, sources within the Big Three Earth MegaCorps reported individuals from all three met aboard Yusuf Al-Jaziri's personal Crusader Corvette, the goldplated Pussy Wagon.* While the nature of the meeting is unknown, it is believed that in the wake of several strange events which occurred at the headquarters of HT Industries, NORINCO, and Spoor Holdings' medical divisions, the three are meeting to hammer out a Gentlemen's Agreement to bring a semblance of order to their bidding war before likely intervention by the authorities.

Yusuf himself would only say this.

"Chillax, niggaz. I just got three of mah niggaz here, enjoying the hospitality that only an Arabic badboy like myself can provide. Finest bitches from Caprica--none of that LaRue's shit--finest Scotch, finest Chamalla....motherfuckers are just chillin' here! Ain't no top-secret conference!"

*Yusuf then tosses a bottle of champagne into the air and shoots it with a gold plated Uzi.*

*cuts back to the News team, still at gunpoint.*

"Coming up, how one boy's falling down a well uncovered a pre-Apocalypse stash of weapons. Film at 11."

*cuts to a commercial involving an older woman. She's showering, and can be heard whistling Dean Martin's 'Aint That a Kick in the Head.' The song proves true, as she then drops some soap, and slips and falls. Her horrified face looks at the camera, as she then looks up, struggling to get up to no avail. The camera cuts to a robber stealing her stuff. The action pauses, and a voice over speaks.*

"Has this happened to you?"

*The old woman nods.*

"Every day, millions of elderly individuals are trapped in their homes, unable to get to the phone or fend off the hordes of attackers which will come because they're vulnerable. Don't be a statistic. Not anymore."

*The woman suddenly finds an unusual looking pistol in her hands. Voice over continues.*

"The Life-Saver Combipistol can and will save your life. Combining a handy portable phone with a 50MW energy pistol, it's a lethal weapon which is waterproof, idiotproof, and thugproof."

*The robber comes in and leers at the old lady, stealing the drugs from her medicine cabinet. The old lady raises her pistol. She says simply, her face hardening into a Dirty Harry look.*

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"

*The robber gasps, as he is then shot with multiple Plasma shots. The man is reduced to particulate matter in seconds. The old lady then notices the phone on the handle, and dials 911. She returns to being a helpless old lady.*

"911? I need some help!"

*She then turns to the screen and winks*

"Thank you, Life-Saver Combipistol!"

*cuts to a title card reading*

"Life-Saver Combipistol. Waterproof, idiotproof, and thugproof. Only $59.98, at PeopleMart."

*Note: The Pussy Wagon has had all of its guns removed, to make room for more booze, hookers and drugs. And all of Yusuf's memorabilia. And also, shielding by the ton.

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Network.

Tracy Juggs is seen on camera, "Good evening, today, while in the midst of having a potential murder investigation underway, the Tyrant President has instead tried to divert attention away from him, his unpatriotic actions and the murder of freedom speakers, by instead accusing me and our independent news organization. While we have recently been praising Grand Moff of Huntaer Richard M. Nixon, we would gladly accept credits from any nation and thus endorse them on this network. While our stories are not directed by the application of credits they are often times able to be diverted through the application of credits. For the stories that are not diverted, you get our full and unfiltered presentation of facts. With that in mind, lets start this session of dissecting the Unpatriotic Un-official Presidents most recent jabs at justice."

“For the record, while I take many working vacations, they all do involve much, much government business. It's not all jet skis and Carolina-style pulled pork sandwiches.”

Tracy Cuts in, “We fully consider ourselves both BURNED and Rebutted by that clear and concise argument, sir.”

“First of all, I've been talking with my Academicians again, the ones from all the Colonies. They all agree that the Exodus of Kobol was over four thousand years ago. However, they also point out that no one knows for sure what happened in the "Great Calamity." We have theories, but sadly, not one of them is definitive and not one of them is more right than the other. And this is with all the sum evidence we have, even with journeys to Kobol itself. If our scientific and historical community can't agree on what happened over there, then how can the Shi'ido be sure what happened? I mean, we're Colonials here....we're all descendants of Kobol, and we have Kobol with us. If anything, we're the experts on what happened to us, not some Barony.”

Tracy Cuts in saying,“Interesting point, but we are going to use a quote from Local Prophets of Kobol “Locals call it ‘just another victim of the curse of Kobol’, which according to the sacred scrolls, of the Colonies depictcs just before the original exodus of the Birth place of the human race, Zeus cursed the planet in a fit of anger that any return to Kobol would exact a blood tax.”

Tracy Juggs cuts in by saying, “First off Mr. unofficial President, we do not believe in this curse being an act of the Gods, but rather the act of a man desperate to quiet any voice that speaks out against him. Though this curse bestowed upon this planet by the Gods, and fulfilled by the act of man we can see. As this curse depicts a “blood tax” to any that would RETURN to Kobol. It comes as somewhat of a shock that our first ship that returned to our ancestral home-world is the first to pay for our exodus over four thousand years ago.”

"Second of all, I'm also wondering how they got the black box tapes so quickly off of Kobol, when the local authorities have only begun their own investigation."

Tracy Juggs looks straight forward at the camera and then says, "Sir, this is a valid question for planets claiming to be descendants of Kobol. Though true descendants of Kobol believe in continuous communication feeds during all flights. While there is a blackbox inside the ship for integrity purposes, there is a auto-uplink from all ships to our satellites that link up once every eighth of a second. This up-link causes a near continuous coverage of the ship, while not interfering with the comms from the ship to any control tower. This continuous up-link then leads to quicker reaction time of accidents, and allows for quicker corrections to beginning pilots and also lets us find out acts of sabotage much quicker."

*A patriotic commercial is played in remembrance of those 10 crew members that died on Historic Flight Hero 117*

Tracy Juggs gets on the screen with a somber look in her eyes and then says, "To close out tonight's News Broadcast we have a great treat, tonight's closing words will be from our very own Protectorate of the fleet and liberator of descendants of Kobol, your very own Bob Carthridge."

Camera pans to Bob Carthridge, "Tonights' word is INEGRITY, now I've never claimed to be an honest person. Though I do know this, in all my years of loyal service all 378 years that I've been a part of the great and illustrious Shi'ido Navy I know that any political figure that constantly professes their innocence and never claims their faults is a true and out-right liar. All people that is, except for the Great Noble, always honest, always paying up front with Credits, Grand Moff Richard M. Nixon. Now there's a person that when he tells you he is not a crook, he can't be. I'm Admiral Bob, and these have been your words of wisdom, enjoy."

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

Hello, This is Stacy Warner, coming to you live from our studio’s here in beautiful down town Caprica City, giving you honest news, and asking the toughest questions in the fourteen worlds.

Today, the investigation over the alleged tape scandal involving President Robert MacIntyre and Admiral De Bruyn comes to a close. Caprica City Marshals in a press release statement, had this to say.

“After checking the president’s evidence at his office, as well as several alibis by the Admiral of the Colonial Fleet Charles De Bruyn, we have uncovered that there was no way the President or Admiral could have done the horrific scene played on that tape.”

“The president’s x-box live account was going from the moment of the end of that interview, for another eight hours, which he played Black Ops, Communist Zombie expansion pack. When we traced through the holo-band all of the players that he played with, each confirmed it was the president online. One of the witnesses had this to say.”

‘ Yeah yo, that motha frakka has some sick skills. I knows it was him, the way he jumped up on that zombie that was about to frak my shit up, and he was like, Bam motha frakka, no one fraks with my peeps. Shit that dornie’s got some mad game skills.”

Many other testimonies from the large band of juvenile Colonials and Colonial-Dornies continue to collaborate this story. We also have this excerpt from the voice audio from his Xbox live account.

Nadine: Honey, it’s time to go to bed.
Mac: “I’m in the middle of protecting the pentagon, Nadine.”
Nadine: “Wouldn’t you rather play with me tonight?”
Pause: “In a minute dear, I gotta save this fucking root sucker from a zombie. Damn noob”
Nadine: Mac, you going to need your sleep, you know the Quorum wants that bill signed by tomorrow.
Mac: “Fuck, Hester, that bitch rides me like a cowboy on a bull. I am so sick of her nagging, screw her.”

“Picon fleet Headquarters confirms that at the time of this incident, Admiral of the Fleet De Bruyn was at Picon Headquarters, discussing the recent batch of invasion plans of various nations, in case of a war.”

The investigator continued. “We were waiting to release the findings of this report, for the Shi’do’s evidence to come in from their home planet. However with it’s destruction, we have no choice but to find the President and the Admiral of the Fleet innocent of the charges levied against them by our barony.”

— Death in the Skies of Kobol —

Olympus Kobol today announced that they found the black box of Shi’do flight 117. In the findings, the Black box recorded an explosion as the ship left orbit in it’s fusalage, shortly before losing contact with the ground, and exploding. The cause of this explosion is still undetermined, and investigators are quickly sorting through the wreckage to discover the explosion’s cause. If it was an act of man, or the gods themselves.”

— Lineage of Kobol —

In the wake of recent controversies, historians at the Athenian college at Delphi Caprica, have been in a furor to discover if indeed a long lost segment of the Colonial populace has been discovered. Dr. Sarah Blake Kobolist Historian had this to say.

“According to our records, and to the sacred scroll, at the exodus of Kobol two ships left Kobol, during the time known as the great calamity. The first, the Gideon, was the one that transported the people of the twelve tribes of Kobol to us here at the Twelve Colonies, which landed at Tauron, the first of the colonies settled.”

“The second was the one carrying the thirteenth colony to the planet Earth. Earth is specifically named in all of our records, not a planet called Lao’man. Now knowing that there are many planets in this galaxy due to the Fractural Earth theory, We decided to do a computer based simulation on the flight path described by the sacred scrolls, as well as other records, including the famed Temple of Athena.”

“Caculating for astral drift, over the last four thousand years, we calculated that indeed the thirteenth colony of Kobol was on the earth that the Dornies reside in.”

She looks into the camera. “Also the Shi’do are claiming to be of the thirteenth constellation of Kobol. Constellations had nothing to do with the founding of the United Colonies of Kobol, but the Colonies settled. The Twelve Colonies are not founded in twelve separate constellation, but one solar system, while Earth seems to have been sent the other way.”

“There is much speculation as to why the Twelve tribes and the thirteenth parted in opposite directions, the most predominate theory is that Earth was like it’s own Australia. A colony for the insane and criminals, who couldn’t adapt or work within normal colonial society. That would explain their odd mannerisms and cultures, as well as their universal nerd rage and love of guns, and how they like to frak furries, with car batteries on their nipples.”

She continued. “There is no evidence that we have uncovered to suggest that there was indeed another ship that left Kobol on that day, four thousand years ago, which went to another galaxy.”

Upon the findings of the reports from the Athenian College, Speaker of the Quorum Andrea Hester had this to say.

“We the fourteen colonies of Kobol, are proud of our baronies in the Galactic Empire. The Amesha have shown great cunning and technological prowness, as well as active participation within this great alliance. The Shi’do, the newest of our barony have demonstrated unbreakable will, and the desire for power. They challenge the presidency, and claim to be one of us, which would uplift them to the status of Lord of the Galactic Empire. This isn’t something to be feared or angry about, but the nature of the Empire. The strong shall always rule, and if President MacIntryre and Admiral De Bruyn are not strong enough to lead in the face of such adversity, then they should resign. Although two investigations are over, one still remains. Did the president have anything to do with the destruction of flight 117? We await the findings from Kobol for that answer”

Stacy comes back to the screen. “In economic news, The Bloody Hand has announced that due to it’s buying of a single commercial slot here on our network, they have received a “a ton of bounties, and cubits”

Spokesperson for the private law enforcement office Luci Devon, had this to say.

“We are pleased that the people of the Fourteen worlds and abroad have helped us to bring the abortions of this universe to justice, and graced us with work. We here at the Bloody hand, wish to extend our same services abroad, to many nations, so that together, we can bring to an end, the nearly extinct disease that plagues the universe, The force infected.

Stacy pulled up some papers, and looked at the camera. “Coming up next, why Tracy Juggs is popular with many colonial youths. Could it be her, “huge” tracts of land? You’ll find out, after this commercial break.

--- Commercial Break ---

Commercial begins, and the surrounding area looks to be an old village, somewhere lost in the mountains.

A woman tied to a stake, her hands bound around her. In the distance, one can see a FI-187 Series Supernatural Inhibitor, on the ground near by, in a small black box. The woman is struggling against the ropes, and looks very scared.

“I am not a demon or a disease!” She screams, “I try to do good.”

Luci walks up, with the jedi’s lightsaber in her left hand. She presses the button, and a green blade shoots out, igniting the gasoline soaked wood. Her body begins to char, and bubble from the heat, as she screams out in pain. With no sympathy in her voice, the camera zooms in on Luci's face, with the flames reflecting in her eyes. "The road to Hades is paved with good intentions"

Luci, the red headed woman, who was wearing a black leather skin tight suit turns to the camera, and walks away from the fire, as she gently tosses the light saber over her shoulder into the fire. “If only it was truly this simple, then the Bloody Hand would not be needed.” She said with a smile, as the woman’s screams die down, and her skin begins to smoke.

“Unfortunately, it is not. The force infected are everywhere. In our schools, in our homes, and in our governments. It is a fact that last year alone thousands of children across the galaxy were kidnaped, taken from their homes, by the Jedi. Good college students who would normally live a peaceful happy life, were seduced with the promises of power and money, by the Sith and the People’s Acolytes.”

“We have all suffered under the atrocities of the force users. Caprica City was bombed by the Jedi not twenty five years ago, and under Emperor Palptine, planets burned with his rage and lust for total control.”

She smiles again, “And who can forget the travesty of the People’s Acolytes. How many innocent Tenetians died by their hands, people who would have grown up to have beautiful families, and children.”

“That is what we here at the Bloody Hand do. Protect the innocent. If you suspect someone is a force user, your daughter’s boyfriend, teacher at school, the woman who used a mind trick to seduce your husband away from you, give us a call toll free.”

“We here at the Bloody Hand, believe in one principle. For each jedi, sith, or acolyte we take into custody, or eliminate, that is one more child who will not have to be taken from his mother, her father, their siblings.

“And remember parents, if you suspect your child of being an abortion to nature, please call us toll free, and learn how you can get one of the fine force vaccinations from Lebran Pharmaceuticals absolutely free.

*Que Music*



The Bloody Hand, We get our hands dirty so you don’t have to.

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

“Greetings to the citizens of Caprica, and the other Thirteen Colonies of this great nation, as well as her Auspices and Territories. I am Stacy Warner, for Caprica City News Network, the most trusted name in news.”

She picks up a stack of papers, which have nothing on it, except for dramatic effect, and smiles as she looks into the camera.

“Our first story tonight. Death at Kobol, the Plight of flight 117.”

“The official investigators at Olympus today have announced their findings on Flight 117. According to the temple of Hades, a human sacrifice was given to allow Shi’ido flight 117 passage to the mythic planet, to compensate for the Blood Tax. Jonathon Walters, a twenty five year old college student was executed on the alter of Kobol, for possession of an illegal Dornie built AI unit, as well as resisting arrest.”

“His execution at 0947, coincides with the flight’s arrival into Kobol’s orbit. Upon further inspection, it appears as though before take off, several safety valves for the fuel line were replaced with older corroded valves, which leaked during take off, causing this explosion.”

“The chief Investigator Joseph Colden had this to say. “We are currently looking for the mechanic who worked on the vessel a Mr. Christopher Reven, as a person of interest in this investigation. Mr. Reven is a Dornie born man, who received his mechanics license in the Red Fleet, before the unification. The forty seven year old mechanic, fled his residence today at Olympus. If any citizen knows the where abouts of Mr. Reven, please contact the local authorities at once.”

In further news, a foreign nation classified by Delphi’s College of Astrology as a “Nation of little importance”, the Celestial Republic’s senate today condemned Caprica for our playing the Bloody Hand’s commercials on the air. When asked in a press conference today, Speaker of the Quorum of Fourteen, Andrea Hester had this to say.”

“The Celestial Republic produces from what we can tell, robots, the very robots that are hell bent on destroying not only humanity but aliens alike. It is very fortunate for us, that all of their designs much like their various war efforts end in failure. If the Celestials wish for Caprica to disband a legal business, then the Celestials must send us the coordinates of all of their droid factories. Once we remove them from existence, via the Galaxy gun, and the Celestines remove all force users from their place of power in their government, we will ,the Quorum of Fourteen, then sit down and chat about disbanding a business, that helps to remove the corruption of force user from government and return that very power, back to the common man.”

“As This government has told the Celestial Republic, once it reforms to the ruling of Bastion, when they applied and failed to join the Galactic Empire no less than three times, we will sit and have a long chat with their nation.”

“Until then, Geminion, and the Quorum of the United Colonies of Kobol doesn’t recognize the existence of this Celestial Republic‘s government as legal, or authoritarian.”

Stacy smiles into the camera. “In further news today, rumors of a Woodian surviving the mass suicide of Evil Woody thoughts runs rampant in the Seattle Area of Earth SSR. As you may recall, the entire nation of Evil Woody thoughts four years ago committed suicide in protest of the corruption of the Coredian Government.”

Speculators don’t know why this one particular person survived the mass suicide of his people, but researchers from the University of Olympus are asking local officials in the Seattle area, to place this woodian into protective custody. As one scientist said, “If he is the last of his species, we must protect him at all costs. If he were to be hit by a bus, shot by a local thug, or kills himself because he saw a police officer take a bribe, then we will have lost a grand opportunity to study him, before his people go into extinction.”

“In economic news today, “The Bloody Hand’ stock has skyrocketed today, as a bounty put on one “V” is estimated to reach into one trillion Imperial Credits, the largest bounty known to the UCK. This bounty placed by the Shi’ido on “The Lt. of Bob Carthradge” has caused a massive buy into the company. If she is captured, needless to be said, Luci will never have to work again.”

“When asked by us on the phone today, Luci Devon promised us that “Even if we capture this V, I shall not stand down against the tyranny of the force. I owe it to all of humanity to continue to hunt the monsters that lurk in the dark, that steal our children and our minds from us.”

“Coming up next, a story of the hurricane survivors from the sandy coast on Aquaria. It’s a tear jerker, one that you won’t wanna miss.”

[Clan Makaryk]

Stacy smiles into the camera. “In further news today, rumors of a Woodian surviving the mass suicide of Evil Woody thoughts runs rampant in the Seattle Area of Earth SSR. As you may recall, the entire nation of Evil Woody thoughts four years ago committed suicide in protest of the corruption of the Coredian Government.”

OOC: Tag because subscribing thread did not show this thread where I had expected it.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to Louise sitting at the front desk with a sigh. The Producer is in the back arguing with two figures. It's fairly obvious they're Jock and Jane. Their shouts are audible. Jock's voice is heard first.*

"I don't fucking care what you say. That Mercedes was a gift from my sixth wife. My favorite wife! You owe me money, mister. My brother owns this network, and he will fucking fire you at the drop of a fucking hat!"

*The Producer replies angrily.*

"Well, fine. But do me a favor--next time I tell you to get your hands off of that fucking bear when doing a segment at the Zoo, and when I tell you to show up at a gig sober, you better get your hands off of him and you better do what I say, or else I will laser your face off. Comprende!?"

*Louise then sighs and takes a couple of aspirins. She's clearly sick of this.*

*Opening Music. Louise mutters to herself.*

"I'm getting too old for this shit."

*She then cleans up and speaks lackadaisically, forcing herself to buck up and be polite.*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President MacIntyre today spoke to reporters about the recent findings of Kobol's investigation into the crash which claimed the evidence the Shi'ido intended to bring to the planet to make their case, as well as the Shi'ido sent to advocate the case.

*cuts to the President in the garden again*

"Let me say three things.

One. I am glad the investigation by the Marshals has exonerated me and the Admiral from all charges. It's not the way I wanted it to occur, admittedly, but at the very least, I am glad this whole sordid affair is winding down.

Two. I endorse our Mother World's warrant for Mr. Reven, and instruct all Marshals to apprehend him for questioning. If he indeed had something to do with the Sabotage, then we need answers.

Three. I have no comment on the evidence used by the Marshals to exonerate me, or Dr. Blake's postulation, other than that if anyone wants to challenge me on Live, my gamertag is Huggybear69. Likewise, I'm also on Pipeworks HoloBand service, my Pipeworks ID is ColonelSanders12. I play Call of Honor: Black Cops, and Grand Theft Raptor. Not too good at the latter, very good at the former. Also, I play a good Street Fighter match, just don't laugh at my choice of character.

No further questions, thank you."

*cuts back to Louise, who is eating a popsicle.*

"I know I'll be adding those two names to my accounts."

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

In other news, the Big Three Earth SSR MegaCorps have reached agreements with the Morningstar Coalition Embassy for varied items.

In particular, Spoor Holdings company has purchased extensive and exclusive rights to the Coalition's extensive "genetech"--that is, biologically based genetic engineering augmentation technologies, which will augment the company's extensive medical and genetic engineering capacities. NORINCO has signed an exclusive contract for combat-augs and specialized weaponry. Finally, HT Industries' exclusive contract is for biomechanical augmentations in terms of medical augmentations as well as augs of a more reactive/defensive nature.

A spokesperson for Spoor Holdings's Academica Sinica division had this to say.

"We are proud to have signed this contract. Millions throughout the UCK will benefit from the genetic technologies provided by the Coalition....it's a win win, really."

-----------

In other news, a startling vote by the People's Acolytes Grand Council has resulted in favor of the Bloody Hand organization, a surprising vote given the organization's consistently strong advocacy for Empowered individuals and the Hand's commercials, which have ranked the organization among the ranks of such failed groups as the Sith and Jedi in terms of atrocities committed.

Explaining the decision and justifying it to the public, Grand Sensei Junko Tadanobu had this to say.

"We're mature individuals here at the People's Acolytes. We've taken our share of punches, verbally and physically, and this recent series of commercials is rather...mild compared to some of the stuff we've put up with in the past.

Besides, looking past the rhetoric and the ideology, which we will admit is ghoulish, they genuinely seem to be well intentioned and precise individuals looking out for the public interest who act according to the law. These guys, at least they're only going after the bad Empowered eggs using surgical precision and the law, dare I say it, much as our own Vanguardiers do. They're an organization we can understand and tolerate.

Ultimately, the way I see it is like this. They don't kill any of our people without good reason, and we won't bother the Hand. In fact, we may even provide them with business, but that's not a definite. That's our stance, and we're sticking to it."

*cuts to Louise*

"Naturally, the vote within the PA has been controversial, but there is unlikely to be trouble in the future from the PA front, according to sources within the PA.'"

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Sources close to the LA City Council have obtained information relating to the filming of a commercial by Take One Studios, a film company known for using no Special Effects whatsoever, within the Los Angeles County area. According to the source, the City Council approved a filming permit for a commercial for an Elemental Nations-based company, who intends to film a commercial there using a tentacle monster imported from the EN.

A spokesperson for the City Council had this to say:

"We are indeed, hosting a commercial filming involving the use of live animals and possibly live ammo in the city of Compton. The company has presented proof of insurance and has been approved to use both. Local residents have been informed, and while there has been some opposition, they will be duly compensated when this is all over. Thank you."

No word on what the commercial is about, but sources do indicate that local residents are indeed bracing for the worst, with very firm expectations.

*cuts to Daniela's Taco Joint, a local Mexican restaurant. A gentegata catgirl in a leather jacket, with Filipino-Mexican human features, kitty ears and tail, stands next to it with a cigarette in mouth.*

"Yeah, I heard about that. I'm just a plain simple Tex-Mex restauranteur. I hope my shop doesn't get bashed too much in all of this. City of LA offered to compensate, and they better pay up. Otherwise, we'll be pissed."

*cuts back to Louise, who is now downing an entire pill bottle as Jock and Jane's shoutfest with The Producer grows louder.*

"Coming up. Shotgun-equipped gloves. Fine melee weapon, or hazardous to your health? Coming up!"

*cuts to a commercial for the Roma Imperia Casino, which will be edited in later.*

[LaoMonians]

Shi'ido News Network

A well dressed male is on the screen, "Good Evening I am your host for tonight Walter Monotone, filling in for Tracy Juggs as she has had to take a case of administrative leave. Today we address the funeral for the crew of the Hero 117."

A moment of silence is heard.

Walter Monotone continues. "Now with that said, we now take a moment to reflect on a the recent findings by the diligent workers at the Quarom. We have found out two things, one that our evidence due to being destroyed is now no longer admissible in court as the editor is not there to state what he did and saw while as an intern. No in fact he will never be able to say anything again, as the ship he was on was destroyed due to in the Colonial Marshals' own words "Sabotage." Also preflight records indicate that the ritualistic blood sacrifice was made by the pilots before taking off towards the famed planet of Kobol."

"To make matters worse it seems that the president is fully allowing one of his obviously heired lackeys to take the fall as he re-establishes his minor political career. He then tried to hide his own inevitable involvement in the hiring of a hit-man turned mechanic. Yes Mr. President we all know when you are playing Xbox live, you are the only one alive who is egotistical enough to have all of your secret service members follow you around so you do not take damage."

*A cut scene is shown of Grand Theft Raptor with one guy surrounded by 50 well armed thugs. The one guy in the center is wearing a pair of shorts and a wife beater, the 50 guards around him are all well dressed in three piece suits brandishing a range of weapons from pump-rifles to pistols to rocket launchers.*

"Can you tell which one is Huggybear69? I can, though this still does not explain the sound made by Mr. Reven while working on the ship. If you listen to the tape while the ship was being worked on, as well everyone on the Holonets is now able you will notice a distinct repeating sound made by the Dornie, or rather one of the Dornie's tools that he used while operating on Kobol."

*Replaying of the ship while landed and getting refueled and repaired is played, this time without the noises of the passengers giving a talk about the weather and where to visit while on Caprica, in the back ground is a faint but distinct repeating noise.*

"Our technology experts have found that this sound is the same sound as a droid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioHTUvRp ... re=related. Listen to the first and then listen to the second and see if you do not notice the similarities. Now it is known that we Shi'ido do not use AI or droids as they could never come close to accomplishing what a true descendant of Kobol is capable of. Yet the sounds are remarkably similar, too similar if you ask me. Something tells me that if you search that Communistic planet of Earth SSR, you will find similar droids being mass produced in their colonies. Why, might you ask would a colony who claims to be of Kobol heritage create AI and indeed store AI in their hidden factories and warehouses you ask? To destroy every last true descendent of Kobol, and now with us the rightful thirteenth colony coming out and reclaiming our rightful spot as well as our reparations for not being allowed to vote for the past three thousand years. Also ever notice how Earth SSR doesn't even sound like a true descendant of Kobol. Take us for instance Orpheum, then you have Taurus, Caprica, and then the dirt planet which is in fact mostly water. Why would an impostor race hide right at the very heart of the Quorom of Twelve plus Bob's feet for so long?"

A slight dramatic pause.

"So it can strike like the rabid animal, of course. We have grown accepting of the differences that separate the rightful thirteen colonies from its long impostor-ed colony of Earth SSR. We need to rethink why Earth SSR is there in the first place, and truly check out if they are being lead by Cylon Intelligence from behind the curtains of deceit. Why else would they have such a useless person in charge of both the fleets and the Presidency if only to lull the rightful thirteen colonies into submission for the inevitable DOOMSDAY INVASION!!"

At this point Walter Monotone's face is red and he is gasping for air as he tries to continue on with his rant.

"Do not let the voice of reason be over looked, if you feel these sentiments to be false. If you think the president isn't creating super AI and droids in his remote factories on Earth SSR, ask yourself, can you truly be sure? How did the last Cylon war begin, as I think we all remember the outcome. If I am wrong then I am just an old man who should not be taken seriously again, but if I am right. If I am right then we are indeed in for a war of wars. Let it be known that the true thirteenth colony has returned, to vanquish the impostor, Earth SSR, that has claimed their seat for so long, together my human brothers, we will find the truth at this."

At this point a few tech hands are seen running onto the screen, as Walter Monotone is being dragged away screaming "Don't trust the droid lover, don't trust Huggybear69! You must avoid the Apocalypse!!!!"

Screen cuts to black.

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

A shocked and pale Stacy looks at the screen. This is Stacy Warner, for Caprica City News Network. We would like to apologize for not being able to air our broadcast over the last three days, but during the riots here in the Tauron District of Caprica City, our transmitter was damaged.

Our Top Story, the Presidential Scandals go Nuclear! *An image of Mac, holding the hand of his Coredian girlfriend, appears on the screen then a nuke lands on his face and erupts into a giant mushroom cloud*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV4oYkIeGJc&ob=av2nm

---Earth, SSR News---
Following the press conference by the Shi’do news network, a viper squadron from the Battlestar Helena Cain, today was dispatched to the island of Japan, at Earth SSR, and destroyed a factory, killing over two thousand employees on the island.

Admiral De Bruyn, of Earth SSR, personally ordered the attack, and according to Picon HQ and JRCCC, Marine strike forces have raided the homes of the other employees and manager staff, and executed them under the Anti-Cylon act of FCW.

*Cuts to an image of marines kicking down a door, with some people sitting on the floor having tea. The Marines walk up, pick up the father and mother of three kids, and drag them outside the door, and shoot them in the face. Their backs of their heads explode over the street behind them.*
“Some fierce opposition from the local dornies, have caused several marine casualties, but according to Picon HQ, the situation is well under control. *Another image appears of a viper hitting a mech with a Two thousand pound JDAM Picon Command issued a warning to the people of Japan, that they should stop the fighting and return home, before the Fleet started thinking of repeating Hiroshima, and to warn them that Artificial Intelligence and Robots will not be tolerated in the United Colonies of Kobol.

“President MacIntryre has yet to comment on the Colonial Fleets attack on Japan, but Admiral De Bruyn’s office released this statement. “I am the Admiral of the Fleet, and Supreme Commander of all Colonial and Dornie Forces. I will not stand by and let any threat to this nation, domestic or foreign, stand in the way of our grand nation.”

“When asked why we were not aware of the Japanese involvement in such a heinous crime against humanity, Admiral De Bruyn had this to say. “We were unaware of their activities. We do not spy on our own people, and they had a license for medical cybernetics. Since the Unification the Gracie Units were dumbed down to a sophisticated War Simulator, and not the Artificial intelligence of pre unification Earth. This company after we turned our full resources into investigating the Shi’do’s claim did find that this one company was producing Illegal pre-unification Gracies, and robotics. We would like to thank the Shi’do for their valiant service to their Lord in the Galactic Empire by helping us to discover this threat, before it became a problem.”

---Riots in the Twelve---
Police today continued their battle against protesters turned rioters today, as the news of Dornie Collaboration with Cylon agents continued to heat up. In the latest poll, President MacIntryre’s polls have dropped to 30%, and not surprisingly all of those that still support the president are of Dornie Descent. Polls have also showed that Admiral De Bruyn’s popularity has skyrocketed in the last few days, up to 85%, the highest it has ever been since Helena Cain held the position.”

“The office of the Colonial Marshalls had this to say. ‘We understand your anger, we are all angry as well, but to defame our cities, and our populace is what the Japanese Cylon Collaborators wanted. We urge all people to go home.”

---Economic News---
Nadine Huntleigh of HT industries, originally founded on Aeralon, but moved to Earth SSR, when Nadine a Coredian took over the company stock is dropping today. As we all know the Coredian is dating president MacIntryre. Earth SSR has been notorious for allowing aliens to run companies, with such holdings as Spoor Industries, run by an ABh. Only the future can tell what is in store for this earth based company and the Coredian First Girlfriend”

--- Galactic Empire News---
Today, the Terran Alliance, head of the TEC, offered Scorpia Shipyards, the sum of 7.5 trillion Credits, to fund completely the next series of Galactic Imperial Upgrades, the Sun Crusher Project. Like all of the projects within the Empire, the project is named for the original version, however the ship designed only performs a similar function and isn’t the same as the original.”

“After Confirming that the TEC, nor the Terran Alliance will have any strings attached, nor any claim of ownership, nor any assurances of anything, the Terran Alliance, on behalf of the TEC still agreed to gift the UCK 7.5 Trillion for the development of the new system.”

“As one Huntarian that was interviewed said, “Why do we give a fuck. Free money is free, and if they wanna pay for our weapons for nothing in return, why do we give a shit”

--- The Quorum of Fourteen---
The Quorum has been in an emergency session over the last three days, behind closed doors, about the recent scandal. According to an inside source, three colonies, Aeralon, Virgon and Saggitarion have called for a vote of no confidence in President MacIntryre, one vote shy of the constitutional minimum to enforce such an action.”

“According to our inside informant, Speaker of the Quorum Andrea Hester reminded the Quorum that if another colony voted for no confidence, that the quorum according to the constitution would have to shut down for two days, before reconvening, a measure, she said, “That our nation can’t afford in this crisis.”

--- Business News---
In business news today, the Elemental Nation of Coredia, was granted a contract today with New San Francisco Shipyards today. According to the Agreement, the Elementals will buy the blue prints and construction rights for the older Immortal Class Star Destroyer, and the Immortal II, it’s predecessor, for a sum of 65 million cubits for the Immortal’s plans, and 120 million for the Immortal II.”
“The old Woodian Ships, from the now extinct nation of Evil Woody Thoughts will finally be put to good use” one spokesman said. “The Coredians have offered New San Francisco Ship Yards 2 billion per old Woodian vessel, as well as an exclusive contract to build twenty more.”

--- Message from the Abh Empire---
A message was released from the imperial capital today and sent both to the quorum and to president MacIntyre reminding the Colonies that the Abh do not tolerate actions that can in anyways potentially interfere with trade between worlds. Should events continue, the Empire will seek means to intervene and restore peace and stability to its shipping lanes.

Stacy shook her head at everything she was reporting. We will be back shortly, after this commercial break.

A woman is walking down the Road, a young woman, beautiful, as she approaches an ATM. It is night, and suddenly a mugger jumps out and shoves a gun in her face. “Give me your money now you frakkin bitch.” The man yells. Suddenly out of nowhere four ninja stars fly out of the darkness and hit the assailant in the back.

A young man wearing an orange jump suit appears. “The Shinobi are a service that will get the job done.” He said with a smile. “IF you need protection, an assassination, or a monster taken down, the Shinobi are perfect for the job”

Cuts to an image of a young Japanese looking girl in a school girl outfit walking home from school, in the ghetto of Compton. Suddenly out of the sewer a tentacle monster appears and wraps a long black tentacle around her. She screams.
Suddenly several puffs of smoke happen, and an epic battle between six ninjas and the monster happen. Buildings are knocked down, arms are cut off, but in the end, the monster is killed. The Japanese girl smiles into the Camera. “Thanks Shinobi.”

“Remember no matter how big or small the Shinobi are here for you. Please call us toll free with any problem you may have.

The Shinobi. The best service you’ll never see.

[New Dornalia]

*Opening Music..*

"Hello, I'm Louise Cheung, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President MacIntyre today spoke to reporters about recent events within the United Colonies.

*cuts to President in the Rose Garden*

"Good evening, Colonials.

Yesterday, Admiral De Bruyn authorized a strike to destroy a robot factory on Earth, after the Shi'ido noted that someone on Earth had been making robots. The strike fulfilled its objectives.

As you all know, there is rioting in the streets, mostly contained in poorer areas. And I am the target. I have been called many things by these demonstrators. Cylon Collaborator. A more civilized resistance of a similar mindset is occurring in the Quorum, where some colonies are calling for my removal.

I am sure I am not a thug, and I am not a traitor, and I am not a Cylon Collaborator. However, I know what I have been.

Negligent.

Colonia, I have failed. There is no delicate way to say this. I have failed you all. I had given the Colonies many things, but unfortunately, it's lonely at the top, and in an attempt to keep my constituents sated, I provided material for a pack of libelers and trolls to exploit. I have brought shame to the United Colonies, and I have shamed myself and this office.

You may be wondering, what's the point?

The point is, I wish to ask for the forgiveness of the United Colonies for my crimes. As I am not above the rule of law, I will duly defer to any and all punishments executed upon me.

However, before I accept them, I wish to note I will atone for my sins by entrusting Admiral De Bruyn to continue his Anti-Cylon Patrols. He will be allowed to execute his duties in defending the United Colonies. I have also authorized him to contain rioting by calling out Citizens Forces and regular units. We will have peace.

People of the United Colonies, I have done the best that I can.

I am the first president of this Republic, organized along oligarchical lines but nonetheless a republic, and this is uncharted waters. I am proud of the many accomplishments that I have done while in office. I can only say though, that I am not perfect, and that I am truly sorry.

Tomorrow Morning, I shall meet with Andrea Hester of Geminion, and with Admiral De Bruyn to discuss further matters. May the Lords and Lord bless the United Colonies of Kobol, and keep the Fourteen worlds safe. So say we all."

Word is that additionally, Secretary of State Baileygates has gone to meet the individuals responsible for the transmissions. Rumor has it that she has brought a considerable amount of gold-pressed latinum, gold bars, and credit chips.

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

A juicy bit of gossip today, as the President reportedly donated his Xbox, after refurbishing it and removing the hard drive, sending said hard drive to a cousin in Barstow named Queequeg Ellison, an insurance salesman. While the cousin has refused to speak on camera, he only said simply, "It's a good'un. I'm Huggybear69 now."

Additionally, a couple using Kinect Live to play Kung Fu Athena and Kung Fu Jesus's Great Adventurecaught pictures of what appears to be the President proposing to Nadine Huntleigh in an isolated corner of the Presidential Manse. Allegedly, the CEO accepted, and proceeded to hug him and give him an Eskimo kiss. The incident was broadcast over the entirety of the couple's friendslist, which included Mr. Queequeg Ellison's newly obtained, ex-presidential Xbox.

No official comment is forthcoming from the President or HT Industries's PR Office.

EARTH ECONOMIC NEWS

Stocks in the technology industry took a dive today owing to recent events, as well as reports that certain scientists have applied for asylum in the Morningstar Coalition's Embassy.

"While a brain drain is most definetly not occurring, there are scientists tied to the kinds of high-tech projects which are verboten due to recent events. And they're choosing to go abroad," said a spokesman from the Colonial Business Daily's Earth Branch.

In other news, Admiral De Bruyn has become the subject of a major Hollywood movie production. His memoirs have been optioned by People's Pictures, the studio responsible for such hits as the Spoor Movie and other hits. Reportedly, the film has attracted considerable interest from filmmakers from the 12, especially from Canceron.

*cuts to Louise eating a plate of chop suey.*

"Oh, right. Coming up, why it's more important than ever to choose the right semi-auto shotgun. Tips on getting the right one for you and yours."

OOC: Inspired by an anecdote I read in a book on Glocks and way too much Fallout.

IC:

*cuts to a married couple bored, sitting on the couch. They're giving gifts, but this is getting boring for them, fast. One's got a sweater, the other's got a Glock. They turn to one another, and then sigh. Voiceover occurs.*

"Is your life looking a lot like this?"

*The couple looks at the screen and nods, desperate.*

"Then, we have something to pep up your giftgiving for that special someone."

*A doorbell rings. Wife walks up to it, answers...it's a man in a bellboy costume offering a box for the lady. Lady takes the box, opens it. She gasps in surprise and joy, and holds the box to the screen.*

"This season, give her...the Love Tap!"

*cuts to an image of a velvet glove with what looks like a sawed off shotgun on the back. Heart motifs and purple and pink are present.*

"The Love Tap Love-O-Gram is the perfect gift for that special someone. It's both a stylish fashion accessory and a handy self-defense tool! Consisting of a fine cashmere and leather glove reinforced with special polymer backings, the Love Tap works via the use of a microscanner inside the glove. Simply arm the glove, plug in the special six shot replicator battery, and you'll be protected from harm. Just look at all the fun uses!"

*cuts to a woman punching a robber's head, which explodes upon contact into a fine red mist.*

"Stop rapists!"

*cuts to a man digging a hole. The woman punches the hole's floor, resulting in a deeper hole than before.*

"Dig holes!"

*cuts to a dog barking at night. A woman, tired, puts on the glove. Offscreen a boom is heard, before the woman walks back into the screen.*

"Deal with that noisy dog!"

*cuts to a smiling bellboy presenting the box with the Love Tap to the happy woman.*

"The Love Tap makes a lovely gift for all occasions, and with our complementary Tap-O-Gram, you can say you've tapped it too! Just listen to these fine customers!"

*cuts to a woman in a wedding dress.*

"My hubby's dad got me a Love Tap as a wedding gift. Thanks to him, I was able to get his drunk brother to chill out using the beanbag function. Thanks, Love Tap!"

*cuts to a gay couple being married, one has the Love Tap.*

"Thanks to Gary here getting me the Love Tap, no one ever makes jokes about us. Ever."

*cuts to an old man with the Love Tap.*

"My wife of sixty years got me one of these. It's not in a more manly color, but when I punched out six bears with it, I grew to love it. God Bless the Love Tap!"

*cuts to a happy woman with the Love Tap on.*

"Love Tap--tap that shit today! Only $59.98."

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

“Greetings to all Colonials and Dornies alike, this is Stacy Warner, for Caprica City News Network, giving you live around the clock coverage of the Colonies in crisis.

— Japan Defiant No More—

Today, Japenese sensor operators, nearly had a heart attack, as a squadron of Vipers flew over Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Toyko today, carrying several live fifty megaton nuclear missiles today. Radiological alarms sounded off at 0625 japense standard time.

“After the news broke the airwaves, the Japense Dornies climbed out of their mechs and went back inside, per the instructions of the Colonial Fleet.”

“Picon command had this to say. ‘We are glad that the people of Japan are finally taking our statements seriously. The United Colonies of Kobol will not tolerate the existence of Artificial Intelligence inside our space, borders or on our planets, regardless of where you are from.” One top Admiral stated. “It is shameful however that the people of Japan could not learn this lesson without the threat of such extreme measures. Also on a personal note. Japan stop making Pokeman and Naruto Cartoons. That is the worst pile of garbage ever to hit the fiction shelf, and is a national blemish on the people of Earth, and the Colonies as a whole.”

After news of the fly over reached the populace of Japan, the Japanese Dornies left their mechs in the street and went home. No further violence has been reported.

— Riots in the Twelve —

Riots across the Twelve Colonies today were slowly beaten back, as police and national guard pushed back against the rioters”

*Shows a video of a police officer firing tear gas into the crowd* The riot as you may remember came about from Pro Mac and Anti Mac protesters who clashed over the Presidents negligence in allowing Artificial Intelligence and Robotics to be produced in the island of Japan Earth. According to the Global Defense Department here on Caprica, the riots are now under control, and peace should be restored within the hour.

—Terror Attack at the Jesuit Sanctuary on Gemenon—

Gemenon today reported that a suicide bomber walked into the Dornie Religious center today and exploded a suicide vest, killing five people and injuring forty more. A spokesman for a group called the Sons of Ares, took credit for the terrorist attack today saying, “We will not let the vile monotheist create more machines to wipe out us polythiests. The damn cylon worshipers should leave our holy land.”

In response, the Vatican on Earth SSR held a mass to pray for the dead and the wounded. Pope Alexander the Twenty Third, also in his mass asked for forgiveness for their brothers on polytheist on Gemenon, for they don’t know what they have done. The pope also condemned the attack today, but after meeting with a representative of the Colonial Marshalls replied that the Vatican will not condone violence with violence.

—President Mac is Pardoned, Hester steps down—

In a startling announcement today, Speaker of the Quorum Andrea Hester today stepped down as Speaker of the Quorum of Fourteen. In her final address, she issued a blanket pardon to President MacIntryre for his crimes that he may or may not have committed during his presidency. The speaker had this to say.

“Right now, our nation is very divided. Anger is flowing in all directions, and that is not what this great republic needs. What it needs to do is to sit down, stop and think about what to do next. Many hasty decisions have been made, and a vote of no confidence in the president will only further to divide this nation.” She spoke to the press today. “I have resigned my commission as Speaker of the Quorum, to insure this pardon passed, and to help heal the rifts between our peoples. “However.” She continued, “I will continue to serve my appointment by the holy councils on Gemenon, until the Holy Mother, and the Council deem that I am no longer suitable.”

“Although it is too early to speculate on the next speaker of the Quourm, many believe it will be Anthony Chaffin of Virgon, cousin to the Emperor of Virgon. In a press conference today, Rep. Chaffin had this to say, ‘I will not speculate on the vote for Speaker of the Quorum until the Quorum votes, however I wish to say I will begrudgingly abide by Rep. Hester’s pardon of the president. However I do hope that the president takes his last year in office on an extended honeymoon, and working vacation, and understand that he should not run for re-election next year.”

In Sports news today, we will give you the final score of the Caprica Buccaneers vs the Leonis Wild Cats, after this commercial break.

An image appears of the Imperial flag of Virgon, with a tall silvery tower in the back ground. A platoon of men, dressed in gray uniforms are doing push ups on the ground, with an elderly man with a brown and gray beard yelling at them. On his chest it says, “Ranger Marcus.”

Marcus turns to the camera. “Commercial? We don’t need any commercials, we are the frakking Rangers.”

The commercial ends.