New Manvir wrote:Santa Claus (or "Klaus" as he's known to his East German handlers) is the code name of one Kris Kringle, nationality and age unknown, who operates as a spy for the Soviet Union. Claus presents an image of himself as a philanthropist and humanitarian, however new evidence suggests that he operates a gulag-like labour camp somewhere in the high arctic. Claus is suspected of employing slave labour in the construction of hidden surveillance equipment disguised as children's toys. He keeps his operation going by running a very effective propaganda campaign that has enamoured countless children and adults with his ideology. In reality Claus is an unabashed communist who is actively working with the Soviet Union and other communist nations to subvert the capitalist system of the United States and other Western democracies.
Claus' ingenious plan involves bankrupting American industry by mass producing consumer goods with the use of slave labour. In addition to this, he targets the children of high ranking diplomats and other civil servants with surveillance equipment in order to pass sensitive data to foreign government agencies. When this proves ineffective Claus is known to break into the homes and offices of government officials using chimneys and other ventilation systems. How he accomplishes this is still unknown.
Claus is known to be in the company of fierce and possibly rabid animals that he uses for protection. His main means of conveyance seems to be a sleigh that flies. Again, how he accomplishes such a feat is unknown, but it seems he lacks any sort of stealth technology as he is consistently spotted by NORAD on an annual basis. Claus' use of slave labour is well documented by the testimony of escaped prisoners. Prisoners are deliberately malnourished in an attempt to lower their stature and make escape increasingly difficult. The prisoners are frequently known as E.L.V.E.S., what the acronym stands for is currently unknown.
Claus presents a clear and present danger to the United States and it's allies, as well as current world stability and hegemony. He constantly flouts international air travel regulations and hundreds of other laws. In addition to this Claus frequently wears a red uniform to represent his communist beliefs.
Very nice.