[ABANDONED] Tall Tales

[Daarwyrth]

The inspiration for this came from Jutsa's list of issue drafts (I hope you'll one day come back to do some drafting again, Jutsa!), but I tweaked it into a different direction feedback and commentary are most welcome!

CURRENT DRAFT:

[Title] Tall Tales

[Validity] None

[Description] In a rousing speech to her people, the Snake from Blackacre - otherwise known as Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - announced her entry into the Gratwick Book of Records as the tallest national leader in @@REGION@@. This in itself wouldn't have been so newsworthy, if her national address hadn't essentially amounted to a "rub-your-nose-in-it" monologue directed against you and your - in her words - "lacking stature". Gathered at your office on short notice, your allies and supporters have come up with ways to match Drake's tall tale.

[Option 1] Your Minister of Defence sizes you up with a dubious expression. "Well, height wise you're not going to cut it," @@HE@@ pauses, but then perks up with an idea. "But we definitely can bulk you up to be the most buffed up leader in @@REGION@@! I know a few trainers at the military academy who can help you develop guns that would make any arms dealer blush. Besides, it wouldn't hurt to set up an example for those twigs and sticks we call our citizens."

[Effect 1] phlebotomists across @@NAME@@ daydream about pricking @@LEADER@@'s bulging veins

[Option 2] "How terribly gauche," comments your Minister of Arts and Culture while sporting an avant-garde hat that resembles an explicit shape best left unspecified. "You need to be a shining beacon of cultural inspiration, not a bulging brute or an idiot who simply grew to be tall. You need to show that effort and hard work deserve praise and recognition! I'm sure we can discretely procure the assistance of a talented artist to help you paint the largest painting in @@REGION@@, or write the longest poem."

[Effect 2] new filibustering tactics involve reciting @@LEADER@@'s epic 'the Jabberharata'

[Option 3] The delicious smell of freshly baked cookies wafts into your office as your mother enters holding a tray while smiling motherly. "Why don’t you try baking the largest cake in @@REGION@@, hmm? One so big that everyone in @@NAME@@ could have a piece. Oh, what a lovely message of care and nurture for your people that would send!"

[Effect 3] @@LEADER@@ kneads the dough now more than ever

[Option 4] A sudden resounding break-wind announces the arrival of your brother. "Oh man, that one had to be my loudest by far," he snorts and looks at you mischievously. "But I heard you rip louder ones, dear sibling. Come on, let's feed you some burritos and record whatever roar leaves yours guts. I bet you can break the record for the loudest one yet..."

[Effect 4] @@LEADER@@'s office has become quite windy these days

[Daarwyrth]

DRAFT 1:

[Title] Drake's Tall Tale

[Validity] None

[Description] After an odd succession of sudden deaths of tall figures across @@REGION@@, the news cycles became dominated by the headline that the Snake from Blackacre - otherwise known as your arch-nemesis Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - was entered into the Gratwick Book of Records as the tallest national leader in @@REGION@@. With your teeth-gnarling being the only audible sound in your office, your allies and supporters have come up with ways to match Drake's achievement.

[Option 1] Your Minister of Defense sizes you up with a dubious expression. "Well, height wise you're not going to cut it, even if there were to be some unexplained mysterious deaths involved," @@HE@@ pauses, but then beams up. "But we definitely can bulk you up to be the most buffed up leader in @@REGION@@! I know a few trainers at the military academy who can help you develop guns that would make any arms dealer blush. Besides, it wouldn't hurt to set up an example for those twigs and sticks we call our citizens."

[Effect 1] it's no longer only @@LEADER@@'s ego that takes up all the space in a room

[Option 2] "How terribly gauche," comments your Minister of Arts and Culture while sporting an avant-garde hat that resembles an explicit shape best left unspecified. "You need to be a shining beacon of cultural inspiration, not a bulging brute or an idiot who simply grew to be tall. You need to show that effort and hard work deserve praise and recognition! I'm sure we can discretely procure the assistance of a talented artist to help you paint the largest painting in @@REGION@@, or write the longest poem."

[Effect 2] money buys talent

[Option 3] The delicious smell of freshly baked cookies wafts into your office as your mother enters holding a tray while smiling motherly. "Why don’t you try baking the largest cake in @@REGION@@, hmm? So big that everyone in @@NAME@@ could have a piece! I'd gladly help out my darling cutie pie."

[Effect 3] @@LEADER@@ said "let them eat cake"

[Option 4] A sudden resounding break-wind announces the arrival of your brother. "Oh man, that one had to be my loudest by far," he snorts and looks at you mischievously. "But I heard you rip louder ones, dear sibling. Come on, let's feed you some burritos and record whatever roar leaves yours guts. I bet you can break the record for the loudest one yet..."

[Effect 4] there's something smelly about @@LEADER@@

[Option 5] One of your aides gapes disbelievingly at the ensemble in your office. "Hello? Is no one going to pick up on the fact that Drake most likely murdered her competitors for the title? We need to be setting up an international investigation to get to the bottom of this heinous crime. Let's drag the skag to the International Court in The Vague!"

[Effect 5] @@NAME@@ entered the Gratwick Book of Records as the most litigious country yet

[West Barack and East Obama]

I think the title should be shortened to just 'Tall Tales'.

Effect line 3 starts with an 'and', which will read on a nation's page as:

The typical murderer weighs 150kg and has hairy arms, most towns have their Leader High School located on Leader Street, kids feel more beat up than ever after a hard day at school, and and @@LEADER@@ said "let them eat cake".

[Daarwyrth]

I think the title should be shortened to just 'Tall Tales'.

I'll consider it, as I kind of like the connection to Valeria Drake. But "Tall Tales" would definitely work as well, yes!

Effect line 3 starts with an 'and', which will read on a nation's page as:

The typical murderer weighs 150kg and has hairy arms, most towns have their Leader High School located on Leader Street, kids feel more beat up than ever after a hard day at school, and and @@LEADER@@ said "let them eat cake".

Good catch! I'll change it in the current draft.

[Verdant Haven]

- In the description, it's likely worth mentioning that the "tall figures" were in fact world leaders… I thought I was reading about random murders of tall people on the streets.

- Careful about ascribing particular emotions or feelings to Leader. Better to say that your supporters are upset than informing the player that they are.

- In a vacuum, at least, it seems odd that the news cycle would be obsessed with Drake being declared the tallest leader. That's basically a non-event – especially given that several (taller) world leaders apparently just died. There would need to be a reason people care – perhaps Drake held a massive international rub-your-nose-in-it party about how great it was to be in the record book, or something like that? Anything to justify the coverage, and why your cabinet apparently thinks it's worth your time.

- In option 1, "beams up" is an odd choice of words. I think the widest association with that particular phrase would be the teleportation from Star Trek. I love the line about "guns that would make any arms dealer blush" though :-P

- Option 3 doesn't really seem to have any supporting reasoning. Why choose this? Good that people get a piece, but what are you trying to project by baking the biggest cake?

- In option 5, I think it would be worth having the speaker provide some evidence (with there being an opportunity for humor here). Perhaps the deceased leaders all found themselves dying in mysterious accidents where they somehow fell from balconies and landed on expended bullets after mistakenly lacing their own tea with polonium? That kind of thing.

- Keep at those effect lines

[Daarwyrth]

- In the description, it's likely worth mentioning that the "tall figures" were in fact world leaders… I thought I was reading about random murders of tall people on the streets.

- Careful about ascribing particular emotions or feelings to Leader. Better to say that your supporters are upset than informing the player that they are.

- In a vacuum, at least, it seems odd that the news cycle would be obsessed with Drake being declared the tallest leader. That's basically a non-event – especially given that several (taller) world leaders apparently just died. There would need to be a reason people care – perhaps Drake held a massive international rub-your-nose-in-it party about how great it was to be in the record book, or something like that? Anything to justify the coverage, and why your cabinet apparently thinks it's worth your time.

- In option 1, "beams up" is an odd choice of words. I think the widest association with that particular phrase would be the teleportation from Star Trek. I love the line about "guns that would make any arms dealer blush" though :-P

- Option 3 doesn't really seem to have any supporting reasoning. Why choose this? Good that people get a piece, but what are you trying to project by baking the biggest cake?

- In option 5, I think it would be worth having the speaker provide some evidence (with there being an opportunity for humor here). Perhaps the deceased leaders all found themselves dying in mysterious accidents where they somehow fell from balconies and landed on expended bullets after mistakenly lacing their own tea with polonium? That kind of thing.

- Keep at those effect lines

Thanks for the comments! I've worked them into the draft

[Daarwyrth]

Any new thoughts or remarks on this draft?

[Australian rePublic]

There definately needs to be an option where some crackpot wants to make leader taller using crackpot methods, tying him to animals headed in different directions to stretch him, surgically implanted platform shoes. Anything. We need a crackpot who wants to make leader taller

[Daarwyrth]

There definately needs to be an option where some crackpot wants to make leader taller using crackpot methods, tying him to animals headed in different directions to stretch him, surgically implanted platform shoes. Anything. We need a crackpot who wants to make leader taller

I'll consider it as a crazy "third" option I think there was a scientist character before who wanted to make people taller, perhaps he can make a return haha