NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Fhaengshia]

#1524: Built to Rule [Daarwyrth; ed: Pogaria] [Draft link]

The prince and princess of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ royal family have long been trying to conceive a child of their own, yet the effort hasn’t born any fruit. Thus, it came as a shock to the entire nation when they presented the newest addition to the royal family: not a child of flesh and bone, but bolts and circuitry.

1. “Well butter my bum and call me a biscuit!” exclaims Duchess [Miley/@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@] von Schwurdlewaffentstein as her powdered wig falls off her head in unison with her bafflement. “And that... wired thing stands near the top of the line of succession? No, I will not have it! The purity of our nobility cannot be besmirched by oil and ensnared by circuits! Only those purely of flesh and blood should have the right to inherit crowns, titles, and royal estates. No exceptions!”

2. “Does it really matter whether someone came into this world by womb or assembly line?” questions famous technophile Noel Tusk while cradling his child Z-AE-O-VII, who glitches up a burp. “The royal family is fulfilling a crucial role here, as they’re normalising the conception of offspring via artificial means! In fact, we should move this child of silicon up the line of succession to heir apparent, to truly represent a society where the biological and artificial live hand-in... hang on, I need to feed my widdle cutie pie.” He plugs a charger cord into the robot’s posterior, and the little tyke’s face literally lights up.
Effect: The line of royal succession just experienced a hardware interrupt.

3. “By Violet, we had it all wrong with the lizard-people!” screams infamous conspiracy theorist Jonny Alexson into a microphone. “It’s Her Majesty Skynet the Annihilator that we should have feared all along! This is not a drill, people, this is not a drill! We need to act now; there’s no time to waste. Destroy all those rusting buckets of bolts trying to steal our great country from us, and enslave those too weak to defend themselves! Cut their cords, hack into their heads! We are at war, people, AT WAR!”

[TalAkMaChen]

1381: Opt 3 has italics: "ever heard of boko-maru", and the trigger of Opt 1/2 is not yet noted. Perhaps low welfare for opt 1, I didn't check much.
1511: Option 6 was hidden at a nation with low religiousness (3.7) without being atheist.
1515: random names
1523, options are identical. Names (and gender of the deceased) can differ, though.

[Valentine Z]

Oooh, nice! And also, no worries - I am still alive and well as ever, and am checking this thread regularly! ♥

With word in the NS Issues Discord that the competition results might be announced soon, be prepared for a certain influx of issues coming in!

[Trotterdam]

#1525 @@LEADER@@: The Musical!

The Issue

Last night, the students of @@CAPITAL@@ Central High School performed a spirited rendition of the play '@@LEADER@@: Glorious Hero of @@NAME@@'. Horrifyingly, they turned it into a musical parody — with you as the villain instead of the hero.

The Debate

1. "See, this is what happens when we let people make decisions on their own," complains Propaganda Minister Lloyd Webster, idly twirling his oversized prop mustache. "We gave these kids the freedom to perform a variety of theatrical productions, ranging from '@@LEADER@@: The Amazing Couldn't-Be-Cooler Dreamboat' to 'The Sun Shines From @@LEADER@@'s Every Orifice'. Instead, they turned our most beloved national hagiography into a vulgar parody where you torture dissidents and sing about sending innocent people to the gulags! Drag these teenage reprobates and the school administrators to a re-education camp, where they can labor until they learn that you are a kind and merciful leader who only wants the best for our people."

2. "Please! I didn't know about those rewrites that the students made," pleads Principal Bobbie Posse, who was brought before you in chains. "It's normal for teenagers to go through a rebellious phase. If this wretched worm before you might make a suggestion, perhaps a small amount of political satire would be a good thing! Allowing your unworthy subjects a little more freedom of expression, in small venues below a mighty personage's notice, would show that you're a good sport with a sense of humor — and ample reserves of forgiveness toward those of us who can never hope to live up to your magnificent example."

3. "I actually liked the part where you slaughtered your enemies and literally danced on their graves," enthuses Julian Paymore, your Minister of Cruel and Unusual Punishments, who appears to be sketching either costumes or new ideas for torture devices in a notebook. "It would be a shame to waste all that raw talent by sending them to break rocks in a quarry. If those troublesome teens think it's so fun to write clever songs, we'll just make them do that for the rest of their lives. I'm sure that our Ironic Punishments Division can find jobs for them on the 'Fawning Adulation for @@LEADER@@ Smile-Time Variety Hour' or a similar program. They'll really hate that."

4. Lyricist and composer Stephanie Soundheimer, who has been shackled to a piano until she writes a version of 'Send in the Leader' that doesn't have a bittersweet counterpoint, plays a scale for attention. "Ain't it a shame. You should cut slack. Rather than have people say, you are a hack. 'Oh, what a clown!' Want to make friends? Here and abroad? Fool everyone so they believe you're not flawed. 'Are they a clown? They're not a clown.' We'll remove parts where you can't spell, and all of their insults about how they think that you smell. Cast a big star to play you and send it on a tour. We'll earn some cash, that I am sure. It is just farce! Reasons are clear: you will get all the cash that you want; people will cheer. So turn 'round that frown. In cash, you will drown. At least 'til next year."

Issue by Pogaria
Edited by The Free Joy State

According to the draft thread, the last speaker's name is nonrandom, but the others are probably random. According to common sense, I would expect the first speaker to always be male, although then again, if it's a prop mustache, it could in principle also be worn by a female.

[Bears Armed]

#1525 @@LEADER@@: The Musical!

The Issue

Last night, the students of @@CAPITAL@@ Central High School performed a spirited rendition of the play '@@LEADER@@: Glorious Hero of @@NAME@@'. Horrifyingly, they turned it into a musical parody — with you as the villain instead of the hero.

The Debate

1. "See, this is what happens when we let people make decisions on their own," complains Propaganda Minister Lloyd Webster, idly twirling his oversized prop mustache. "We gave these kids the freedom to perform a variety of theatrical productions, ranging from '@@LEADER@@: The Amazing Couldn't-Be-Cooler Dreamboat' to 'The Sun Shines From @@LEADER@@'s Every Orifice'. Instead, they turned our most beloved national hagiography into a vulgar parody where you torture dissidents and sing about sending innocent people to the gulags! Drag these teenage reprobates and the school administrators to a re-education camp, where they can labor until they learn that you are a kind and merciful leader who only wants the best for our people."

2. "Please! I didn't know about those rewrites that the students made," pleads Principal Bobbie Posse, who was brought before you in chains. "It's normal for teenagers to go through a rebellious phase. If this wretched worm before you might make a suggestion, perhaps a small amount of political satire would be a good thing! Allowing your unworthy subjects a little more freedom of expression, in small venues below a mighty personage's notice, would show that you're a good sport with a sense of humor — and ample reserves of forgiveness toward those of us who can never hope to live up to your magnificent example."

3. "I actually liked the part where you slaughtered your enemies and literally danced on their graves," enthuses Julian Paymore, your Minister of Cruel and Unusual Punishments, who appears to be sketching either costumes or new ideas for torture devices in a notebook. "It would be a shame to waste all that raw talent by sending them to break rocks in a quarry. If those troublesome teens think it's so fun to write clever songs, we'll just make them do that for the rest of their lives. I'm sure that our Ironic Punishments Division can find jobs for them on the 'Fawning Adulation for @@LEADER@@ Smile-Time Variety Hour' or a similar program. They'll really hate that."

4. Lyricist and composer Stephanie Soundheimer, who has been shackled to a piano until she writes a version of 'Send in the Leader' that doesn't have a bittersweet counterpoint, plays a scale for attention. "Ain't it a shame. You should cut slack. Rather than have people say, you are a hack. 'Oh, what a clown!' Want to make friends? Here and abroad? Fool everyone so they believe you're not flawed. 'Are they a clown? They're not a clown.' We'll remove parts where you can't spell, and all of their insults about how they think that you smell. Cast a big star to play you and send it on a tour. We'll earn some cash, that I am sure. It is just farce! Reasons are clear: you will get all the cash that you want; people will cheer. So turn 'round that frown. In cash, you will drown. At least 'til next year."

Issue by Pogaria
Edited by The Free Joy State

According to the draft thread, the last speaker's name is nonrandom, but the others are probably random. According to common sense, I would expect the first speaker to always be male, although then again, if it's a prop mustache, it could in principle also be worn by a female.

Option 1, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Options 2, Bob Fosse.
Option 3, I don't know offhand.
Option 4, Stephen Sondheim.

[Rocain Founder]

My puppet Cain O-P Id v1 just received issue #1502, receiving option 3 rather than option 4. The spoiler for this issue claims that option 3 is for nations which have Child Labor. Unfortunately for this hypothesis, Cain O-P Id v1 does not have Child Labor. This nation has a very small set of policies:

Capitalism
Marriage Equality
Public Protest

If the difference between option 3 and option 4 is a policy, it surely is one of the many policies which my puppet does not have, which admittedly is not much of a clue at all. And of course the distinction may not be a policy at all. The texts of options 3 and 4 appear to be identical, so there are no clues to find there either.

[Trotterdam]

I think the validities for options 3 and 4 got switched around. That is, 3 should be the version for nations without child labor, and 4 should be the version for nations with child labor. Option 4 was previously confirmed on a child labor nation.

[Rocain Founder]

Here is Issue #1526, received by puppet Cain BZ R06Co v0. I have not attempted to macroize the various proper names. I observe that Arms Manufacturing is the major industry of this puppet, so it is at least possible that the various companies referenced in the text belong in general to the recipient nation's major industry rather than always being in the business of Arms Manufacturing.

#1526 Corporate Pride

The Issue

Representatives of some of the largest corporations in Cain BZ R06Co v0 have come to ask you to support them in their commitment to LGBTQ+ rights.

The Debate

1. “United Arms Manufacturing has been a staunch ally of the LGBTQ+ community ever since our emergency board meeting last week,” says the company’s CEO, while waving her newly acquired rainbow flag. “For the next two weeks, we’d love to have your government by our side as we stand before our shareholders and the wider world in support of LGBTQ+ rights. We’ll market special ‘pride’ items, run promotional campaigns and organize a big parade. To demonstrate the government’s support to the cause, a slight decrease in taxation for such supportive companies as ourselves seems prudent.”

2. “Love is love,” interjects Steve Barrow, head of Human Activity at Amalgamated Arms Manufacturing, “and my company, along with many others in the sector, will continue to celebrate it, government incentives or not. What we really need from you is to pass actual laws to secure equality. Yes, that’s right, legislate to end all discriminatory practices against LGBTQ+ people in workplaces and in society at large. Then we can talk about pride.”

3. “Joint Arms Manufacturing has never discriminated against any LGBTQ+ employee in a way that could be proven in court,” boasts company president Aziz Grant, flanked by a leadership team that looks completely identical to him. “It’s all thanks to the discretionary funds we’ve spent on big internal reforms. You don’t achieve acceptance and openness by the firm hand of the law, but rather through subtle nudging and a bigger HR department. Do not legislate needlessly. Instead, you should release guidelines for changes to corporate culture and grant funding to companies looking to implement them.”

4. “Why stick with a single demographic when there are so many more out there?” asks Consolidated Arms Manufacturing representative Fatima Mulcair, handing you a dizzyingly colorful I<3LGBTQ+ROYGBIV 2.0 pin. “You should split up the year into equal portions, each targeted at a specific globally underrepresented group. It will spread even greater awareness, showing that love truly is bigger than hate. We will of course do our part, in cutting prices for the respective groups to show our support. However, sustaining such continuous price slashing would require some modest subsidies.”

5. “Do not endorse this bigotry,” shouts Kurt Tan, an administrative assistant with the slightly more obscure Straight Arms Manufacturing, better known as the author of 12 Rules for Cleaning Your Room. “No matter where I turn my head these days it’s LB this and Q+1 that. What about the rest of us? Where are our venues for expressing pride over who we are and our way of life? If anything, the government should be endorsing a celebration of us ordinary, hard-working, straight people. Make normalcy normal again.”

Issue by The Krazy Kakistocracy of Cretox State

Edited by Gnejs

Inspection of the HTML does not reveal any suppressed options.

[Trotterdam]

Here is Issue #1526, received by puppet Cain BZ R06Co v0. I have not attempted to macroize the various proper names. I observe that Arms Manufacturing is the major industry of this puppet, so it is at least possible that the various companies referenced in the text belong in general to the recipient nation's major industry rather than always being in the business of Arms Manufacturing.

Confirmed. I got Information Technology.

I also got different names, as well as a different gender for the unnamed first speaker, making:

#1526 Corporate Pride

The Issue

Representatives of some of the largest corporations in @@NAME@@ have come to ask you to support them in their commitment to LGBTQ+ rights.

The Debate

1. "United @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ has been a staunch ally of the LGBTQ+ community ever since our emergency board meeting last week," says the company's CEO, while waving @@HIS/HER@@ newly acquired rainbow flag. "For the next two weeks, we'd love to have your government by our side as we stand before our shareholders and the wider world in support of LGBTQ+ rights. We'll market special 'pride' items, run promotional campaigns and organize a big parade. To demonstrate the government's support to the cause, a slight decrease in taxation for such supportive companies as ourselves seems prudent."

2. "Love is love," interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of Human Activity at Amalgamated @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@, "and my company, along with many others in the sector, will continue to celebrate it, government incentives or not. What we really need from you is to pass actual laws to secure equality. Yes, that's right, legislate to end all discriminatory practices against LGBTQ+ people in workplaces and in society at large. Then we can talk about pride."

3. "Joint @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ has never discriminated against any LGBTQ+ employee in a way that could be proven in court," boasts company president @@RANDOMNAME@@, flanked by a leadership team that looks completely identical to @@HIM/HER@@. "It's all thanks to the discretionary funds we've spent on big internal reforms. You don't achieve acceptance and openness by the firm hand of the law, but rather through subtle nudging and a bigger HR department. Do not legislate needlessly. Instead, you should release guidelines for changes to corporate culture and grant funding to companies looking to implement them."

4. "Why stick with a single demographic when there are so many more out there?" asks Consolidated @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ representative @@RANDOMNAME@@, handing you a dizzyingly colorful I<3LGBTQ+ROYGBIV 2.0 pin. "You should split up the year into equal portions, each targeted at a specific globally underrepresented group. It will spread even greater awareness, showing that love truly is bigger than hate. We will of course do our part, in cutting prices for the respective groups to show our support. However, sustaining such continuous price slashing would require some modest subsidies."

5. "Do not endorse this bigotry," shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, an administrative assistant with the slightly more obscure Straight @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@, better known as the author of 12 Rules for Cleaning Your Room. "No matter where I turn my head these days it's LB this and Q+1 that. What about the rest of us? Where are our venues for expressing pride over who we are and our way of life? If anything, the government should be endorsing a celebration of us ordinary, hard-working, straight people. Make normalcy normal again."

Issue by Cretox State
Edited by Gnejs

[Rocain Founder]

Issue #1521 was previously reported with three options. There are four options, with an additional option inserted between the reported options 2 and 3, as discovered by my puppet Cain G HiT Rfj v0. The previously unreported option 3 is

“I have an alternative solution for this,” announces Luka Williams, CTO of Science & Gadgetry, Inc. “A team at my company recently made great leaps in the field of active noise cancellation technology. We only need a few more — well, okay, better make that quite a few more — @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in our budget for the R&D, and we can scale it up to shield entire houses!”

I have not attempted to macroize the proper name.

It looks likely that this option is conditional on high IT or high science. Certainly this puppet has both.

[Trotterdam]

It looks likely that this option is conditional on high IT or high science. Certainly this puppet has both.

The draft thread at least supports this. There is of course a chance it was changed in editing, but I see little reason to expect that.

One thing I wonder is if the ", Inc." implies existence of private enterprise?

[Divine Cervine]

Issue #1528: Our Feta Which Art in Havarti... [The Daystar Isles; ed: Pogaria] [Draft Link]


Our Feta Which Art in Havarti...

The Issue

An ancient monastery in a remote part of @@NAME@@ is home to the Holy Order of St. Ilton. The monks of this order are the only makers of Iltonian cheese, a unique variety beloved by many of your fellow @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@. However, with most of the monks getting on in years and very few novices entering the monastery, the order is at risk of disappearing, and Iltonian cheese along with it.

The Debate

1. “Please respect our ancient beliefs,” requests Father Rochefort Westvleteren, the indescribably elderly abbott of the Holy Order of St. Ilton, via a handwritten letter that he mailed to you so that he wouldn’t have to break his personal vow of silence. “The @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ obsession with Iltonian cheese verges on most appalling idolatry. The brethren of the order make and sell cheese only to provide funds for the upkeep of the monastery — we repudiate filthy lucre and all worldly fame. I don’t want our order to die out, but we cannot allow outsiders to turn our hallowed monastery into a common factory. If the nation needs more dairy products, you should allocate additional funding for agricultural education.”


2. “This particular abbot is an extreme conservative,” explains Achel Westmalle, chair of the religion department at Latrappe College and a leading expert on the Holy Order of St. Ilton. “Only a few of the monks fully agree with him. If you declare Iltonian cheese to be a @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ cultural treasure and grant the order a permanent financial stipend, I’m confident a majority of the monks will be in favor of teaching non-members their techniques and allowing the production of Iltonian cheese outside the monastery.”


3. [unknown]


4. “Our top food scientists have been working on this el-Emmental problem in queso shortage ever happened. We could get Iltonian-Style Processed Cheese Product into the food distribution centers in less than a Gruyère... er, year,” boasts Rand Jackson, your Minister of Creating Highly Enhanced Edibles and Snack Enrichments, which recently developed ‘CHEEZ! In a Spray Can!’. “However, we’ll need to relax a few of our more draconian food safety regulations first, and Raclette the common sense of the proletariat determine what’s suitable for consumption. You wouldn’t Brie-lieve all the additives we have to use in this stuff to get the flavor and texture right.”


5. “Don’t ask why the monks aren’t making more cheese, ask why this country isn’t making more monks!” writes prominent conservative Orval Chimay in a guest editorial for a leading right-wing newsmagazine. “The average young @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@ is lazy, undisciplined, and directionless; a strict monastic life of fasting and prayer is the antidote to all of that! I call on @@LEADER@@ and our government to encourage more young people to enter monasteries! I do appreciate a nice wedge of Iltonian cheese, but the true benefit will be a more virtuous and morally upright society.”


Issue by The Daystar Isles
Edited by Pogaria

---

I believe these names are not random: option 1, the name "Rochefort Westvleteren", in option 2, "Achel Westmalle", and in option 5, "Orval Chimay" because there are Belgian Trappist breweries which also make Trappist cheeses with each of those first and last names.

In option 4, the word "queso" is in italics.

[West Barack and East Obama]

I suspect hidden option 3 is the capitalist version of option 4.

[Rocain Founder]

My puppet Cain BZ R04Lb v0 has just received issue #1530. Here it is. I've left personal names unchanged, but replaced my puppet's demonym by the appropriate macro.

#1530 Absolutely Speechless

The Issue

Just when you thought you had a moment to relax, a delayed memo reaches your desk reminding you that you’re scheduled to deliver a speech on new organizational systems for the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ National Archives barely half an hour from now. Ironically, your secretary seems to have misplaced the only copy of your prepared speech, and chaos has ensued.

The Debate

1. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what have I done?” spouts frazzled secretary Ali Allen, while frantically searching his desk for the lost document. “You can’t go out there without a speech! People are expecting you to say something, and you have to project an aura of always being ready!” He hurriedly grabs his son’s school essay from his bulletin board, peeling off the big gold star sticker before handing it to you. “Here, just read from this. It may be slightly off-topic, but at least it’s something... and hey, it got top marks in his junior forensics class!”

2. “Now hold on a second! Are you really considering going out there with something written by a 10-year-old? It’s better to give no speech than a bad speech!” interjects Minister of Expecting the Unexpected, Elena Frederickson, rapidly flipping through a binder of unusual situations and selecting an appropriate response. “Now I know it might look bad, but it says right here that all you have to do is tell the people about your lost speech. That will make them sympathize with you, and you’ll earn their support for telling them the truth! Honesty before image, right?”

3. “From my years working the crowds, I can tell you that the people just want to have some fun. Nobody cares about that lame speech you planned anyway!” insists self-proclaimed ‘hype-lord’ John McGhee, dropping in unannounced from your vents. “You should go out there and say something that gets the people hootin’ and hollerin’ for more, that’s what always works. Speak off the cuff, no holds barred. Announce a new patriotic holiday or something! It’ll be lit, no cap!”

Issue by The Swinging Jungle of Baloo Kingdom

Edited by Verdant Haven

The HTML shows no signs of an omitted option.

[West Barack and East Obama]

"No cap" being used in an NS issue gives me whiplash. But it made me laugh so that's okay.

Also, Issue #1529 is likely 'Duel of the Fates', given the update to SherpDaWerp's dispatch and recent happenings. Keep an eye out for that one, looks like it has a pretty narrow validity.

[SherpDaWerp]

Also, Issue #1529 is likely 'Duel of the Fates', given the update to SherpDaWerp's dispatch and recent happenings. Keep an eye out for that one, looks like it has a pretty narrow validity.

I was wondering if anyone would notice that. I'm interested to see how long it takes to be reported!

[TalAkMaChen]

1509,5: "I just came up with literally the best idea" should be in italics

[Rocain Founder]

My puppet Cain O-N Kr v1 just received issue #1528 with the previously unknown option 3 in place of the option 4 previously reported. As theorized by West Barack and East Obama, it appears that option 3 is a doppelganger of option 4, for nations which allow private industry. Here is option 3 as received by my puppet. I have underlined those portions of the option which differ from option 4. I have not attempted to replace any proper names with macros.

“Our top food scientists have been working on this el-Emmental problem in queso shortage ever happened. We could get Iltonian-Style Processed Cheese Product onto store shelves in less than a Gruyère... er, year,” boasts Nelson Hunt, Director of Innovation at processed food conglomerate Frakt Zhein, makers of ‘CHEEZ! In a Spray Can!’. “However, we’ll need the government to relax a few of their more draconian food safety regulations first, and Raclette the free market determine what’s suitable for consumption. You wouldn’t Brie-lieve all the additives we have to use in this stuff to get the flavor and texture right.”

[Honeydewistania]

#1527 God Save The Queens

The crown prince of Skandilund was caught sharing an intimate moment with another man in that nation’s palace gardens, evoking both ire and praise from the denizens of @@REGION@@. Yet in the midst of the media fever, your nation’s tabloids managed to turn all eyes on the heir apparent of @@NAME@@ by asking what the domestic response would be if the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ heir married someone of the same sex.

1. "Are we not a nation where anyone, even a royal, is free to marry whomever they fancy?” asks homosexual news anchor Yoshi Dredd/@@RANDOMNAME@@, his/@@HIS@@ zeal so overwhelming that his/@@HIS@@ customary lisp has disappeared. “Our future ‘queen’ is as entitled to the right to marry someone of the same sex as any other Honeydewistanian! Imagine the royal wedding between the pair: both in dresses, arriving on a float, saying their vows and kissing while a thousand backup dancers perform in sync. It’ll be fabulous!”

2. “Go deeper,” demands Claudius Licorish/@@RANDOMNAME@@, a gay celebrity notable for being the parent of eleven adopted children. “If we truly want the royals to have the same rights as other @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, we must include adopted children in the line of succession! It was a common practice among cultures of old, like with the Romulan emperors. My children are my actual children, and I’m just as real a parent as any other. Give us the same rights as everyone else.”

3. “Surely you would not want to risk a Bigtopian orphan sitting on the throne?” retorts the flamboyant yet straight mayor of @@CAPITAL@@, Alexander Dietrich de Loeffel-Pfeffel Johnsonson. “The foreign fiends have already thieved all of our jobs, and those fruity folks have taken over marriages. Now they’re reaching for our crown jewels as well? I say enough! We must keep the royal marriages traditional and native: a man and a woman, a royal with a royal, and a true @@DEMONYM@@ with a true @@DEMONYM@@.”

4. “The fairytale of ‘finding true love’ is meant for the common folk, not for individuals of our standing,” huffs a senior member of the royal family. “A royal should marry someone out of duty to family and state, someone with connections to other royal houses or notable families. I propose any matters of matrimony be arranged by our family alone, for the good of the realm. Our heir needs a suitable match, and I’ve heard that the House of Althaniq has one: an exotic jewel of great beauty, grace, and wealth. Think of the investmen... I mean, investiture!”

Not sure on the two first speakers names, but obviously speaker 3 is fixed

I wonder if option 1 has a duplicate for non-matriarchal countries? I didn't check the HTML but it might have one.

[Rocain Founder]

Issue #1531 is out, and two puppets received it today, Cain A C-L Lb v1 and Cain O-N Wd v1. The HTML shows that there is an option 3 which neither of these nations got. Also, getting the issue twice allowed me to verify that the speaker names in options 1 and 4 are macro-generated. Here is the text as received by Cain O-N Wd v1. I have renumbered the final option as 4, even though of course my puppets were presented with it as option 3.

#1531 Fine Time

The Issue

After carelessly lighting several trees on fire while illegally camping in Barrysbad Caverns National Park, threatening some nearby children with violence if they “told on him,” declaring that zone of the park an independent tax haven, and branding you as a “fascist dictator,” local tycoon Jellon Mezos incurred a massive fine. Unfortunately this had little deterrent effect, as Mr. Mezos earns so much money that by the time the ink on the citation was dry he had already regained more than he lost.

The Debate

1. “This is absolutely preposterous!” yells your bad-tempered Minister of Justice Kristen McCarthy, as she throws darts at a photo of Mr. Mezos. “A working-class @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@ who received that ticket would have had to take out a second mortgage to pay it! Our current fines don’t affect these rich fat cats at all. I propose we make fines proportional to the income of the offender — maybe then Mr. Mezos and others would think twice before flagrantly violating our laws.”

2. “The law applies equally to everyone, right?” interjects Mr. Mezos, having bribed both your security and your receptionist to gain access to this meeting. “Sure, I’m loaded with cash, but that’s because I’m a job creator — my factories earned it for me fair and square! Punishing me more than others just because I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck is literally discrimination! Come to think of it, you should introduce flat taxes, so that everyone pays the same tax rate as well. You don’t want to be prejudiced, do you?”

3. ?

4. “What I want to know is why we punish such heinous crimes by charging some pathetic sum!” growls Judge Quentin Sorin, better known as ‘The Merciless Magistrate.’ “The despicable deed of unlicensed camping in a national park is unpatriotic! It’s disgraceful, as are other crimes like talking back to a cop or not picking up after your @@ANIMAL@@. We should get rid of fining people, and bring back prisons for all of these miscreants! Maybe then we can actually get some law and order for once.”

Neither recipient nation has prisons, so I speculate that option 3 is a variant of option 4 for nations with prisons.

[Honeydewistania]

To appease the Jutomi overlords... 1527 is by Daarwyrth, edited by The Marsupial Illuminati confirmed

[Trotterdam]

I got the remaining option on #1531. Here's the full issue, with option 3 witnessed by me personally, option 4 copied from Rocain's report, macros replaced, and authorship recorded. "Jellon Mezos" is nonrandom.

#1531 Fine Time

The Issue

After carelessly lighting several trees on fire while illegally camping in Barrysbad Caverns National Park, threatening some nearby children with violence if they "told on him," declaring that zone of the park an independent tax haven, and branding you as a "fascist dictator," local tycoon Jellon Mezos incurred a massive fine. Unfortunately this had little deterrent effect, as Mr. Mezos earns so much money that by the time the ink on the citation was dry he had already regained more than he lost.

The Debate

1. "This is absolutely preposterous!" yells your bad-tempered Minister of Justice @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE/SHE@@ throws darts at a photo of Mr. Mezos. "A working-class @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ who received that ticket would have had to take out a second mortgage to pay it! Our current fines don't affect these rich fat cats at all. I propose we make fines proportional to the income of the offender — maybe then Mr. Mezos and others would think twice before flagrantly violating our laws."

2. "The law applies equally to everyone, right?" interjects Mr. Mezos, having bribed both your security and your receptionist to gain access to this meeting. "Sure, I'm loaded with cash, but that's because I'm a job creator — my factories earned it for me fair and square! Punishing me more than others just because I'm not living paycheck-to-paycheck is literally discrimination! Come to think of it, you should introduce flat taxes, so that everyone pays the same tax rate as well. You don't want to be prejudiced, do you?"

3. "What I want to know is why we punish such heinous crimes by charging some pathetic sum!" growls Judge @@RANDOMNAME@@, better known as 'The Merciless Magistrate.' "The despicable deed of unlicensed camping in a national park is unpatriotic! It's disgraceful, as are other crimes like talking back to a cop or not picking up after your @@ANIMAL@@. We should get rid of fining people, and lock them behind bars where they belong! Maybe then we can actually get some law and order for once."

4. "What I want to know is why we punish such heinous crimes by charging some pathetic sum!" growls Judge @@RANDOMNAME@@, better known as 'The Merciless Magistrate.' "The despicable deed of unlicensed camping in a national park is unpatriotic! It's disgraceful, as are other crimes like talking back to a cop or not picking up after your @@ANIMAL@@. We should get rid of fining people, and bring back prisons for all of these miscreants! Maybe then we can actually get some law and order for once."

Issue by West Barack and East Obama
Edited by Verdant Haven

[Valentine Z]

Will see of I can get around to it either today, or latest by this week.

Past few weeks have been a little too busy and hectic IRL but I think the blunt of it is over... <3

[The Candy Of Bottles]

1,530- Absolutely Speechless

The Issue
Just when you thought you had a moment to relax, a delayed memo reaches your desk reminding you that you’re scheduled to deliver a speech on new organizational systems for the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ National Archives barely half an hour from now. Ironically, your secretary seems to have misplaced the only copy of your prepared speech, and chaos has ensued.

The Debate
0.) “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what have I done?” spouts frazzled secretary Rex Carey, while frantically searching his desk for the lost document. “You can’t go out there without a speech! People are expecting you to say something, and you have to project an aura of always being ready!” He hurriedly grabs his son’s school essay from his bulletin board, peeling off the big gold star sticker before handing it to you. “Here, just read from this. It may be slightly off-topic, but at least it’s something... and hey, it got top marks in his junior forensics class!”

1.) “Now hold on a second! Are you really considering going out there with something written by a 10-year-old? It’s better to give no speech than a bad speech!” interjects Minister of Expecting the Unexpected, Aaron Hopkins, rapidly flipping through a binder of unusual situations and selecting an appropriate response. “Now I know it might look bad, but it says right here that all you have to do is tell the people about your lost speech. That will make them sympathize with you, and you’ll earn their support for telling them the truth! Honesty before image, right?”

2.) “From my years working the crowds, I can tell you that the people just want to have some fun. Nobody cares about that lame speech you planned anyway!” insists self-proclaimed ‘hype-lord’ Darya Perkins, dropping in unannounced from your vents. “You should go out there and say something that gets the people hootin’ and hollerin’ for more, that’s what always works. Speak off the cuff, no holds barred. Announce a new patriotic holiday or something! It’ll be lit, no cap!”

Issue by The Swinging Jungle of Baloo Kingdom

Edited by Verdant Haven

Names are untouched, numbered as seen in source.

[New Imperial Britannia]

Got Duel of the Fates, unfortunately didn't save the other option. Seems like you need to pick Option 1 in Issue #788, Duel Purposes in order to get this, because the decision text looks like you and Count Mount Crystal (not sure if this name is random or not) are having a duel.

1529 - Duel of the Fates

The Issue
Blade in hand--never mind how it got there--you have found yourself in a duel with a person proclaiming themself Count Mount Crystal, falsely charged with high treason. The Count is clearly an expert, one who prepared for this day, and their furious strikes only push you further and further back as you barely manage to parry the blows. It is obvious the longer the fight goes on, the more exhaustion sets in: you know you won't be able to hold out much longer--until a particularly lucky side-step causes the Count to overreach, faltering, tripping, stumbling into your waiting defence...

The Debate

1. With weary arms, your sword almost seems to beg you: finish this. One good, swift strike and you can put this whole mess behind you. Off-balance and exposed, their right flank unarmoured, it would almost be easy to slip the blade up under their ribs and deal a mortal blow. It is not your responsibility to coddle this miscreant--the fight was the Count's decision, after all. They will only have themselves to blame as they feel your blade pierce their skin, when they draw their last breath and realise this was all for nought. Do not pretend they would not do the same to you in a heartbeat; their is no alternative but to take the Count's life.

2. [Didn't save the exact text, you push them instead of killing the Count.]