[SUBMITTED] A Pat On The Cheek

[Daarwyrth]

[Title] A Pat On The Cheek

[Validity] Doesn't have High Patriotism

[Description] A new wing of the @@CAPITAL@@ University Library has been named after you, and naturally you attended its opening ceremony as the guest of honour. After a few cordial but brief handshakes with a group of well-wishers everyone was feeling rather pumped, until one of them - a pleasant-looking young man - slapped you in the face! To add insult to injury, you were told the entire affair had been televised.

[Option 1] "This wasn't a mere assault on another person, this was an assault on @@NAME@@ itself!" proclaims feverishly patriotic talkshow host @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ while footage of the offending ordeal is examined by @@HIS@@ guests frame-by-frame among indignant gasps. "It's high treason, and I say off with the traitor's hands, and anyone's limbs that are risen against our proud @@TYPE@@, literally or figuratively!"

[Effect 1] the number of evil tongues has been drastically cut down recently

[Option 2] "And where were those lousy goons of the security detail, huh? Drinking tea on the veranda?" fumes retired General @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the talkshow's guests at the table. "They should have stopped that despicable little face-slapping toad from even so much as looking at @@LEADER@@ with those traitorous little eyes of his! No, relying on the security service for protection was a gross mistake, as only our proud citizens in uniform can be entrusted with that responsibility!"

[Effect 2] @@LEADER@@'s state visits are often mistaken for a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ military invasion

[Option 3] "Dude, you're just so shit at your job, and my dad always hits me when I do something wrong," sulks the barely adolescent offender in question, @@HIS@@ already badly bruised face pressed against the sidewalk in front of you by big, angry guards. "Do you take me for some deadbeat who writes petitions, who lives in his mommy's basement and has no life? No! I'm a real man, and any real @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ man gets to voice his opinion anyway he likes. Now, let me go, you losers!"

[Effect 3] throwing rotten tomatoes at cinema screens has once again come into fashion

[Option 4] "Y'all went soft, ya weak sacks of meat!" shouts former farmhand Billy Bob @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ from across the road, while casting a thick, yellow clod of spit onto the pavement. "Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punch, we punched back twice as hard! Enough with the 'no violence' crap you've been running in this country. Learn to punch like a man, you wuss! Come on, hit 'im back!"

[Effect 4] the state's monopoly on violence ended violently

[Daarwyrth]

DRAFT 5:

[Title] A Pat On The Cheek

[Validity] Doesn't have High Patriotism

[Description] A new wing of the @@CAPITAL@@ University Library has been named after you, and naturally you attended its opening ceremony as the guest of honour. After a few cordial but brief handshakes with a group of well-wishers everyone was feeling rather pumped, until one of them - a pleasant-looking young man - slapped you in the face! To add insult to injury, you were told the entire affair had been televised.

[Option 1] "This wasn't a mere assault on another person, this was an assault on @@NAME@@ itself!" proclaims feverishly patriotic talkshow host @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ while footage of the offending ordeal is examined by @@HIS@@ guests frame-by-frame among indignant gasps. "It's high treason, and I say off with the traitor's hands, and anyone's limbs that are risen against our proud @@TYPE@@, literally or figuratively!"

[Effect 1] the number of evil tongues has been drastically cut down recently

[Option 2] "And where were those lousy goons of the security detail, huh? Drinking tea on the veranda?" fumes retired General @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the talkshow's guests at the table. "They should have stopped that despicable little face-slapping toad from even so much as looking at @@LEADER@@ with those traitorous little eyes of his! No, relying on the security service for protection was a gross mistake, as only our proud citizens in uniform can be entrusted with that responsibility!"

[Effect 2] @@LEADER@@'s state visits are often mistaken for a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ military invasion

[Option 3] "What's your deal, man? I just wanted to show that you're like, bad the way you run things," sulks the barely adolescent offender in question, @@HIS@@ face pressed against the sidewalk in front of you by big, angry guards. "Isn't that our right, or something? Writing petitions is for those deadbeats that live in their mommy's basements and have no life. The cool citizens of @@NAME@@ get to voice their opinion any way they like. Now, let me go, loser!"

[Effect 3] throwing rotten tomatoes at cinema screens has once again come into fashion

[Option 4] "Y'all went soft, ya weak sacks of meat!" shouts former farmhand Billy Bob @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ from across the road, while casting a thick, yellow clod of spit onto the pavement. "Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punch, we punched back twice as hard! Enough with the 'no violence' crap you've been running in this country. Learn to punch like a man, you wuss! Come on, hit 'im back!"

[Effect 4] the state's monopoly on violence ended violently

DRAFT 4:

[Title] A Pat On The Cheek

[Validity] Doesn't have High Patriotism

[Description] A new wing of the @@CAPITAL@@ University Library has been named after you, and naturally you attended its opening ceremony as the guest of honour. After the momentous occasion, a group of well-wishers gathered outside sought to personally congratulate you on this achievement. A few cordial but brief handshakes later everyone was feeling rather pumped... until a pleasant-looking young man slapped you in the face! To add insult to injury, you were told the entire affair had been televised.

[Option 1] "This wasn't a mere assault on another person, this was an assault on @@NAME@@ itself!" proclaims feverishly patriotic talkshow host @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ while footage of the offending ordeal is examined by @@HIS@@ guests frame-by-frame among indignant gasps. "It's high treason, and I say off with the traitor's hands, and anyone's limbs that are risen against our proud @@TYPE@@, literally or figuratively!"

[Effect 1] the number of evil tongues has been drastically cut down recently

[Option 2] "And where were those lousy goons of the security detail, huh? Drinking tea on the veranda?!" fumes retired General @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the talkshow's guests at the table. "They should have stopped that despicable little face-slapping toad from even so much as looking at @@LEADER@@ with those traitorous little eyes of his! No, relying on the security service for protection was a gross mistake, as only our proud citizens in uniform can be entrusted with that responsibility!"

[Effect 2] @@LEADER@@'s state visits are often mistaken for a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ military invasion

[Option 3] "What's your deal, man? I just wanted to show that you're like, bad the way you run things," sulks the barely adolescent offender in question, @@HIS@@ face pressed against the sidewalk in front of you by big, angry men. "Isn't that our right, or something? Writing petitions is for those deadbeats that live in their mommy's basements and have no life. The cool citizens of @@NAME@@ get to voice their opinion any way they like. Now, let me go, loser!"

[Effect 3] throwing rotten tomatoes at cinema screens has once again come into fashion

[Option 4] "Y'all went soft, ya weak sacks of meat!" shouts former farmhand Billy Bob @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ from across the road, while casting a thick, yellow clod of spit onto the pavement. "Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punched, we punched back twice as hard! Enough with the 'no violence' crap you've been running in this country. Learn to punch like a man, you wuss! Come on, hit 'em back!"

[Effect 4] the state's monopoly on violence ended violently

DRAFT 3:

[Title] A Pat On The Cheek

[Validity] Doesn't have High Patriotism

[Description] A new wing of the @@CAPITAL@@ University Library has been named after you, and naturally you attended its opening ceremony as the guest of honour. After the momentous occasion, a group of well-wishers gathered outside sought to personally congratulate you on this achievement, and a few cordial but brief handshakes later everyone was feeling rather pumped... until a pleasant-looking young man slapped you in the face! And to add insult to injury, you were told the entire affair had been televised.

[Option 1] "This wasn't a mere assault on another person, this was an assault on @@NAME@@ itself!" proclaims feverishly patriotic TV host @@RANDOMNAME@@ while footage of the offending ordeal is examined by @@HIS@@ guests frame-by-frame among indignant gasps. "It's high treason, and I say off with the traitor's hands, and anyone's limbs that are risen against our proud @@TYPE@@, literally or figuratively!"

[Effect 1] the number of evil tongues has been drastically cut down recently

[Option 2] "And where were those lousy goons of the security detail, huh? Drinking tea on the veranda?!" fumes retired General @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the guests at the table. "They should have stopped that despicable little face-slapping toad from even so much as looking at @@LEADER@@ with those traitorous little eyes of his! No, relying on the security service for protection was a gross mistake, as only our proud citizens in uniform can be entrusted with that responsibility!"

[Effect 2] @@LEADER@@'s state visits are often mistaken for a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ military invasion

[Option 3] "What's your deal, man? I just wanted to show that you're like, bad the way you run things," sulks the barely adolescent offender in question, after having been thrown face-first into a cell. "Isn't that our right, or something? And writing petitions is for those deadbeats that live in their mommy's basements and have no life. The cool citizens of @@NAME@@ get to voice their opinion any way they like. Now, let me go, loser!"

[Effect 3] throwing rotten tomatoes at cinema screens has once again come into fashion

[Option 4] "Y'all went soft, ya weak sacks of meat!" shouts former farmhand Billy Bob @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ while spitting in a bowl. "Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punched, we punched back twice as hard! Enough with the 'no violence' crap you've been running in this country. Learn to punch like a man, you wuss! Come on, hit 'em back!"

[Effect 4] the state's monopoly on violence ended violently

DRAFT 2:

[Title] A Pat On The Cheek

[Validity] Doesn't have High Law Enforcement, doesn't have High Patriotism

[Description] A new wing of the @@CAPITAL@@ University Library has been named after you, and naturally you attended its opening ceremony as the guest of honour. After the momentous occasion, a group of well-wishers gathered outside sought to personally congratulate you on this achievement, and a few cordial but brief handshakes later everyone was feeling rather pumped... until a pleasant-looking young man slapped you in the face! And to add insult to injury, you were told the entire affair had been televised.

[Option 1] "This wasn't a mere assault on another person, this was an assault on @@NAME@@ itself!" proclaims feverishly patriotic TV host @@RANDOMNAME@@ while footage of the offending ordeal is examined by @@HIS@@ guests frame-by-frame among indignant gasps. "It's high treason, and I say off with the traitor's hands, and anyone's limbs that are risen against our proud @@TYPE@@, literally or figuratively!"

[Effect 1] the number of evil tongues has been drastically cut down recently

[Option 2] "And where were those lousy goons of the security detail, huh? Drinking tea on the veranda?!" fumes retired General @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the guests at the table. "They should have stopped that despicable little face-slapping toad from even so much as looking at @@LEADER@@ with those traitorous little eyes of his! No, relying on the security service for protection was a gross mistake, as only our proud citizens in uniform can be entrusted with that responsibility!"

[Effect 2] @@LEADER@@'s security convoy is often mistaken for a foreign military invasion

[Option 3] "Dude, why you acting so cringe, man? I just wanted to show that you're sus the way you run things," sulks the offender in question, after having been thrown face-first into a cell. "Isn't that our right, or something? And writing petitions is for dweebs that live in their mommy's basements and have no life. The based citizens of @@NAME@@ get to voice their opinion any way they like! Now, let me go you noob!"

[Effect 3] throwing rotten tomatoes at cinema screens has once again come into fashion

[Option 4] "Y'all went soft, ya weak sacks of meat!" shouts former farmhand Billy Bob @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ while spitting in a bowl. "Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punched, we punched back twice as hard! Enough with the 'no violence' crap you've been running in this country. Learn to punch like a man, you wuss! Come on, hit 'em back!"

[Effect 4] the state's monopoly on violence ended violently

DRAFT 1:

[Title] A Pat On The Cheek

[Validity] None

[Description] A new wing of the @@CAPITAL@@ University Library has been named after you, and naturally you attended its opening ceremony as the guest of honour. After the momentous occasion, a group of well-wishers gathered outside sought to personally congratulate you on this achievement, and a few cordial but brief handshakes later everyone was feeling rather pumped until... until a pleasant-looking young man slapped you in the face! And to add insult to injury, you were told the entire affair had been televised.

[Option 1] "This wasn't a mere assault on another person, this was an assault on @@NAME@@ itself!" proclaims feverishly patriotic TV host @@RANDOMNAME@@ while footage of the offending ordeal is examined by @@HIS@@ guests frame-by-frame among indignant gasps. "It's high treason, and I say off with the traitor's hands, and anyone's limbs that are risen against our proud @@TYPE@@, literally or figuratively!"

[Effect 1] the number of evil tongues has been drastically cut down recently

[Option 2] "And where were those lousy goons of the security detail, huh? Drinking tea on the veranda?!" fumes retired General @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the guests at the table. "They should have stopped that despicable little face-slapping toad from even so much as looking at @@LEADER@@ with those traitorous little eyes of his! No, relying on the security service for protection was a gross mistake, as only our proud citizens in uniform can be entrusted with that responsibility!"

[Effect 2] @@LEADER@@'s security convoy is often mistaken for a foreign military invasion

[Option 3] "Dude, why you acting so cringe, man? I just wanted to show that you're sus the way you run things," sulks the offender in question, after having been thrown face-first into a cell. "Isn't that our right, or something? And writing petitions is for dweebs that live in their mommy's basements and have no life. The based citizens of @@NAME@@ get to voice their opinion any way they like! Now, let me go you noob!"

[Effect 3] throwing rotten tomatoes at cinema screens has once again come into fashion

[Option 4] "Y'all went soft, ya weak sacks of meat!" shouts former farmhand Billy Bob @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ while spitting in a bowl. "Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punched, we punched back twice as hard! Enough with the 'no violence' crap you've been running in this country. Learn to punch like a man, you wuss! Come on, hit 'em back!"

[Effect 4] the state's monopoly on violence ended violently

[Ioavollr]

Hi,
I like the writing in this one, particularly the punch lines. I think they deliver well. I fear that Option 3, though it's clearly referencing current trending language, will age poorly. I some more robust slang might strengthen this issue.

[Daarwyrth]

Hi,
I like the writing in this one, particularly the punch lines. I think they deliver well. I fear that Option 3, though it's clearly referencing current trending language, will age poorly. I some more robust slang might strengthen this issue.

Thank you! When writing it I did have the same thought, that the specific slang might fall out of use in the future and therefore have its meaning lost. I was contemplating changing the speaker in this option in a future draft, and I think I'll do so for the next one. Thanks!

[Australian rePublic]

Free speech does not equal the right to physically assaults. There are plenty of issues about whether nation should have free speech. It's been done. Instead, this should be an issue about whether or not slapping someone counts as free speech

[Daarwyrth]

Free speech does not equal the right to physically assaults. There are plenty of issues about whether nation should have free speech. It's been done. Instead, this should be an issue about whether or not slapping someone counts as free speech

But, that's what the issue premise already does? Free speech isn't mentioned in the premise, and the options steer it into the direction of "how to respond to a physical assault of @@LEADER@@". It's not about free speech, only option 3 makes a reference to it, but that's just 1 option, not the entire issue premise.

[Bears Armed]

Free speech does not equal the right to physically assaults. There are plenty of issues about whether nation should have free speech. It's been done. Instead, this should be an issue about whether or not slapping someone counts as free speech

But then we've already got an issue about whether terrorists causing explosions counts as free speech, anyhows....

[Daarwyrth]

New comments or ideas on this draft?

[Fauxia]

Thanks for option 3 I hate it.

Anyway, I don't really think this would be appropriate for nations with high law enforcement, and maybe high patriotism as well. The latter for obvious reasons. The former because there are a lot of countries where even if this could happen, the offender would just get shot at that point.

[Daarwyrth]

After a period of quiet, I have returned to working on this draft! I took over Fauxia's comments to add in a few new validities, so I'd love to hear what people think!

[Daarwyrth]

Any new thoughts or comments?

[Terrabod]

The law enforcement validity in an unnecessary restriction on who can receive this issue. We can't just assume that high Law Enforcement means high Police Brutality in NS... and besides, I don't see how having a large/well-funded police force would prevent someone slapping you.

[Daarwyrth]

The law enforcement validity in an unnecessary restriction on who can receive this issue. We can't just assume that high Law Enforcement means high Police Brutality in NS... and besides, I don't see how having a large/well-funded police force would prevent someone slapping you.

Initially the law enforcement validity wasn't there, but it was suggested in previous comments that it might be odd for a nation with high law enforcement to happen, so I went along with it at the time. Personally, I agree with you and your assessment, but I'll keep it in for now and see what other reactions it will draw. However, I am leaning towards removing that specific Validity in the next draft.

[Pythaga]

I agree that the law enforcement validity really isn't needed here. No matter how many security folks are around, you can't stop someone already in range from getting a surprise hit in.

I also think that the meme slang in option 3 isn't the way to go. You can still write an annoyed teenager without using wording that will seem hopelessly outdated soon enough.

I really like all the effect lines, although I think 2 can be improved by rewording it; I'm not sure if you mean that folks in @@NAME@@ think that, or if foreign nations receiving a state visit think that. I'd recommend going with the latter, and rewording to something like: "other nations commonly mistake @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ state visits for invasions." Of course, you could leave it as is and let readers draw their own conclusions.

[Daarwyrth]

I agree that the law enforcement validity really isn't needed here. No matter how many security folks are around, you can't stop someone already in range from getting a surprise hit in.

I also think that the meme slang in option 3 isn't the way to go. You can still write an annoyed teenager without using wording that will seem hopelessly outdated soon enough.

I really like all the effect lines, although I think 2 can be improved by rewording it; I'm not sure if you mean that folks in @@NAME@@ think that, or if foreign nations receiving a state visit think that. I'd recommend going with the latter, and rewording to something like: "other nations commonly mistake @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ state visits for invasions." Of course, you could leave it as is and let readers draw their own conclusions.

Done! The law enforcement validity has been removed, effect 2 has been reworded and I changed the meme slang in option 3 to a (hopefully) more time-resistant speech

[Daarwyrth]

New comments or thoughts?

[Daarwyrth]

It's been a while, but I'd like to return to drafting this issue idea! Feedback and commentary are welcome

[The Finntopian Empire]

love it!

[Verdant Haven]

Looking pretty clean – probably just a few minor adjustments I'd make to ease readability and more clearly understand the characters.

- It's not necessarily "wrong" but I would generally avoid starting sentences with "and" in the description in Choice 3. In both cases, you can drop the "and" and simply start the sentence on the next word.

- I would split up the second sentence of the description, putting a period after "achievement," dropping the "and," and starting a new one with "A few…"

- In Choice 2, what table? Your table at the ceremony? I don't believe a table was introduced, so I would switch it to something like "at your table" or "who shared your table" just to avoid a missing antecedent. Also, to whom is the general speaking? If it's to you, it seems odd that they would speak of you in the third person (using the @@LEADER@@ macro).

- In what way are you hearing the sulking teenager's request if they are in a cell somewhere? Would it work if they're pinned face-first to the ground at your feet, still, instead of having been fully dragged away?

- Similarly to the previous couple, I'd love just a tiny bit more context about where this ex-farmhand is and how you're hearing them. Are they another guest at the ceremony? An alumnus or something?

[Daarwyrth]

- In Choice 2, what table? Your table at the ceremony? I don't believe a table was introduced, so I would switch it to something like "at your table" or "who shared your table" just to avoid a missing antecedent. Also, to whom is the general speaking? If it's to you, it seems odd that they would speak of you in the third person (using the @@LEADER@@ macro).

- In what way are you hearing the sulking teenager's request if they are in a cell somewhere? Would it work if they're pinned face-first to the ground at your feet, still, instead of having been fully dragged away?

- Similarly to the previous couple, I'd love just a tiny bit more context about where this ex-farmhand is and how you're hearing them. Are they another guest at the ceremony? An alumnus or something?

Oh, I should probably clarify about that table, but it's a continuation of the first option, namely a guest at the table of the talkshow host. Then I imagined that the two others, the sulking teenager and farmhand, were being interviewed by a reporter and that's how leader saw their reactions, namely on the television or something. I was under the impression that was how the presentation always worked in issues, that it's @@LEADER@@ being spoken to directly, or that they see the reactions and options that speakers propose through like a television that shows a news item on the particular subject. It's how I always wrote my issue drafts, with that in mind.

Should I clarify in the issue description that @@LEADER@@ is seeing these reactions televised? I always assumed that was already being inherently implied in issues, so I never specified such in the issue descriptions.

EDIT: I have put up a new draft with the suggested changes. Hopefully, it sounds better now!

[Daarwyrth]

New comments or thoughts?

[Baggieland]

After the momentous occasion, a group of well-wishers gathered outside sought to personally congratulate you on this achievement.

The intro is a bit long, I'd say the above is unnecessary waffle.

Why did the young man slap LEADER? What was his beef? (This could be put in option 3, atm he only says "things are bad". It doesn't need to be a specific beef, it could be someting general.

Drinking tea on the veranda?!"

Interrobangs are frowned upon in the Editing Room.

Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punched,

punch

Come on, hit 'em back!

hit 'im back! (Him).

[Daarwyrth]

After the momentous occasion, a group of well-wishers gathered outside sought to personally congratulate you on this achievement.

The intro is a bit long, I'd say the above is unnecessary waffle.

Why did the young man slap LEADER? What was his beef? (This could be put in option 3, atm he only says "things are bad". It doesn't need to be a specific beef, it could be someting general.

Drinking tea on the veranda?!"

Interrobangs are frowned upon in the Editing Room.

Back in my day, anyone who packed us a punched,

punch

Come on, hit 'em back!

hit 'im back! (Him).

I have worked your suggestions into a new draft, yet I have found myself somewhat stuck on your suggestion to clarify what the youth's beef is with @@LEADER@@. Any suggestions would be welcome!

[Daarwyrth]

A new draft is up with a reworked Option 3

[Daarwyrth]

The issue has been submitted, thank you all for your comments and feedback!