[DRAFT] Five O' Too Slow

[Socialist Ancomistan]

This is my first issue draft! Just looking for opinions on how this would work as a potential issue, or how it could be changed

Issue: Notorious career burglar @RANDOMNAME@ successfully burgled the home of an old lady, stealing five arm loads of jewelry and a flat screen T.V. What should have been an easy arrest for @@CAPITAL@@ police turned into an embarrassing foot pursuit as @@RANDOMNAME@@ - encumbered by @@HIS@@ own weight in stolen valuables - still managed to outrun the law for hours before being restrained by an elderly bystander.

Valid only for nations with high Obesity rate and low gov't money spent towards Law Enforcement

Choice 1: "It's pretty clear that our police force need to lose a few extra pounds," claims chief of police @RANDOMNAME@. “Otherwise, the news of our criminal justice system's incompetence will be known by every outlaw across the nation. We must remedy this with daily morning exercises, fruits and vegetables as snacks instead of candy bars, or even calorie counting. If that involves forbidding our police from buying donuts every day for work, so be it!

Fallout: @NAME@‘s police academies often resemble public gyms

Choice 2: Not going far enough! pleads the lady who was robbed. Our nation’s police have taken an oath to protect this nation, and we must make sure they are fit for service the second they graduate from police academy. We must design a special fitness test to ensure only our strongest recruits become officers.

Fallout: it’s increasingly hard to tell the difference between a professional athlete and a @DEMONYM@ officer

Choice 3: "So what if I have a few extra love handles?" claims police officer @RANDOMNAME@. "I've been chasing criminals for over a decade, never missing a single one. And now, I’m getting clowned on because of one extra speedy burglar? It’s not my fault the nearest police car was miles away! How about you just invest in some extra fast motorcycles, and e-scooters that will be near us at all times, and can outrun the fastest of criminals, no matter how young, old, thin, or fat we happen to be.”

Fallout: police officers often get speeding tickets from other police officers while on patrol

[Kiddian States]

Hi, great first draft!
It should be noted that macros use @@__@@ and not [_] (the instructions on the when you go to write an issue aren’t updated)
Also, maybe include low law enforcement in the validity section, since good law enforcement programs would probably have a fitness standard

[Ko-oren]

Seeing as the last edit is after the feedback above: here's a list of macros for better formatting.

Not sure if a stereotypical fat cop is the one to break out the 'getting clowned on' line.

I like the humour in the fallout lines, maybe those can be hinted at in the options themselves (but that's a personal preference).

[Socialist Ancomistan]

I guess the fallout could be hinted at. Since stun guns are pretty normal for a police force, I might edit option 3 to advocate for more "high tech" stun guns

[Candensia]

Good effort for a first draft.

Title suggestion: Five-O Too Slow

Let's take a look at the introduction.

Issue: Notorious criminal @Random Name@ successfully burgled the home of an old lady, stealing 15,000 @Currency@ worth of jewelry and a flat screen T.V. What should have been an easy win for law and order turned into an embarrassing police chase as criminal @Random Name@ outran @Nation Name's@ police force.

It's best not to specify an amount of currency when explaining the "worth" of things in issues. 15,000 @@CURRENCY@@ could be a large amount or practically nothing at all depending on the views of the player. If I were editing the issue, I'd probably put the second sentence first, as it explains the situation adequately without unnecessary exposition.

Something like:

What should have been an easy arrest for @@CAPITAL@@ police turned into an embarrassing foot pursuit as career burglar @@RANDOMNAME@@ - encumbered by @@HIS@@ own weight in stolen valuables - still managed to outrun the law for hours before being restrained by an elderly bystander.

I think option 2 is weak and insufficiently distinct from option 1. Surely you can come up with a way to resolve the issue that is distinct from both option 1 and option 3? Maybe street cops don't need to be healthier, but they should be given bikes or segways in order to go faster? Maybe beef up surveillance, so police can track thugs post-getaway?

The options are a bit thin as well. I'd add at least one line in options 1 and 2. While preferences differ according to the writer, I tend to aim for around 3 lines per option in three option issues.

[Australian rePublic]

Not enough difference between options 1 and 2

[Socialist Ancomistan]

Edited the opening, and Option 2 to resemble past Option 3. Option 3 now involves segways instead of stun guns

[Tinhampton]

You're about four years too late; Segway has abandoned the actual Segway business in favour of selling e-scooters (what they call "kickscooters").

Why are you assuming that the @@DEMONYM@@ police does not already have tasers? Even if I'm wrong and you aren't, why are you assuming that they need domestically-produced tasers?

[Trotterdam]

You're about four years too late; Segway has abandoned the actual Segway business in favour of selling e-scooters (what they call "kickscooters").

I thought kickscooters are the ones where you move by kicking off the ground. Not very "e-".

[Socialist Ancomistan]

Edited to provide more detail to each issue response. Should I use segways or e-scooters for Option 3, since there seems to be a debate over that

Do you think I should submit the issue or not?

[Australian rePublic]

Why can't they just use their police cars?

[Socialist Ancomistan]

/bump

Am I allowed to bump a thread I created months ago, or am I just gravedigging? I’d like to re-work this issue if possible

Australian RePublic: While most police chases are vehicular, I’d also imagine this police chase involving the criminal outrunning the officers to his vehicle before the officers get to their police car (basically giving the criminal a head start to flee the incident). It’s still a foot pursuit so perhaps the majority of eyewitnesses saw the chase when neither side was using a vehicle

Tinhampton: I will include tasers as a talking point for Option 2. With the low government money spent on Law Enforcement, the problem would likely be not having enough tasers; domestic or foreign made. I believe it would still cost money whether you import tasers or just make them domestically

[Millenhaal]

Good on you for trying to work on this again! But I'd like an option to abolish law enforcement altogether as a crazy option.

[Socialist Ancomistan]

Millenhaal: I have added a fourth “abolish the police force” option. Still looking for more feedback as I have doubts that this option will be included in my final submission

[Socialist Ancomistan]

/bump

[The Ferret Lands]

stealing 15,000 @CURRENCY@ worth of jewelry and a flat screen T.V.

Title suggestion: Five-O Too Slow

It's best not to specify an amount of currency when explaining the "worth" of things in issues. 15,000 @@CURRENCY@@ could be a large amount or practically nothing at all depending on the views of the player. If I were editing the issue, I'd probably put the second sentence first, as it explains the situation adequately without unnecessary exposition.

I also think you should remove the specific amount any maybe do 'armfuls of jewelry' or something else to show the large size/weight of the objects being carried.
Nice name idea too

claims chief of police @RANDOMNAME@. Otherwise, the news of our criminal justice system's incompetence will be known by every criminal across the nation. Daily morning exercises, carrot sticks and apples instead of donuts, anabolic steroids, I don't care how! We need a mandated health test for all new police recruits, stat!

Everything from Otherwise to stat! needs to be in quotation marks too

old lady who's home was burgled.

whose

"Not only do we need more tasers for our police, but they also deserve nothing but the best stun guns!

Aren't tasers and stun guns the same thing? Also, saying 'not only' implies it was said before, but you haven't mentioned tasers yet.

I just heard about a high tech model that can electrocute any criminal dead within it's tracks.

Isn't this just giving the police guns? Which they would have already depending on the country's choices?
Also, 'any criminal dead in their tracks' makes more sense.

How about you just give us some extra fast motorcycles, and e-scooters

I'd like to suggest rewording 'give us' as 'invest in'. Also motorcycles and escooters are a very different vibe from eachother and I think there's a better way of writing this, maybe with different vehicles.

Maybe get the auto industry involved to subsidize our police department while you're at it.

Where does this come from??

Choice 4: “Y’know, if you ask me, the police force has gone too soft on these good for nuthin’ thugs these days” you hear retired small-town mayor @RANDOMNAME@ pipe out. “Back in my day, a good ole’ fashioned stonin’ would’ve been enough to threaten these outlaws into submission. It’s about gaddamn time you abolish the police force! Then you can use the surplus to give us law abidin’ folk a tax break.”

Fallout: Butchers have used their meat cleavers in increasingly unorthodox ways

This is... ok. I'm not sure I really get how abolishing the police solves the problem for the elderly woman. You mention stoning..? But the option doesn't actually enforce any other type of punishment for crime, just removing any police entirely.

[Socialist Ancomistan]

Thank you for the feedback, Ferret Lands. I believe I fixed most of what you requested, and also refrained from mentioning both tasers and stun guns simultaneously.

I am still conflicted over whether or not to include Option 4. One editor wanted an “abolish the police” option, while another said it would do nothing to help the old lady (which is not an incorrect assumption tbh), and therefore, shouldn’t be included.

[Verdant Haven]

- Description: I think the term you might want is "arm load" rather than "arm fold," and one arm load is sufficient for what is described. The criminal is described twice: "notorious criminal @@randomname@@" and "career burglar @@randomname@@." Without numbering, that will generate two different random names. It's only really necessary to introduce the criminal once. It would also be worth referencing the ill health of the responding officers as the reason for the escape, so that the responses make sense.

- Option 1: The chief's first suggestions are about improving the health of current officers, but they seem to summarize it by talking about a test for new recruits. These are two separate things, both of which are valid and can work together, but the phrasing should reflect that fact.

- Option 2: This has nothing to do with the officers' health. You need to be quite close to use a stun gun (physical contact distance), which seems to be precisely what the cops here aren't able to be. Arming the police like this isn't a solution to their health issues. Also, the lady presumably already has her jewelry back – we're told right in the description that the burglar was stopped and restrained by a bystander. I don't think this option is necessary for the issue.

- Option 3: Reasonable argument. I'd like to see it fleshed out a little bit.

- Option 4: This is an extremely off-the-wall response, and doesn't clearly address the dilemma. It can be made to work, but it needs to be framed in the context of the issue, and the speaker needs to make clear how this "solution" actually solves the dilemma.

- Effect lines don't start with capital letters

[Socialist Ancomistan]

- Option 1: The chief's first suggestions are about improving the health of current officers, but they seem to summarize it by talking about a test for new recruits. These are two separate things, both of which are valid and can work together, but the phrasing should reflect that fact.

- Option 2: This has nothing to do with the officers' health. You need to be quite close to use a stun gun (physical contact distance), which seems to be precisely what the cops here aren't able to be. Arming the police like this isn't a solution to their health issues. Also, the lady presumably already has her jewelry back – we're told right in the description that the burglar was stopped and restrained by a bystander. I don't think this option is necessary for the issue.

I’m removing Option 4. Still debating with myself over whether to A: change the first two options so that Option 1 focuses on general health while option 2 focuses on a fitness test, or B: just remove option 2 together and tweak Option 1 to continue focusing on both. Sorry if that was hard to follow but I wonder what would work better for this issue

As it stands, I feel as if separating Option 1 (improving the health of police) and option 2 (cherrypicking only the strongest for police roles from the get-go), has resulted in both options becoming a bit… milquetoast, per se.