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by Giovanniland » Thu Oct 07, 2021 9:52 am
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 08, 2021 12:10 pm
Giovanniland wrote:The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.
by Outer Sparta » Fri Oct 08, 2021 1:21 pm
Apatosaurus wrote:Giovanniland wrote:The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.
I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).
New draft posted but... I'm over the character limit now smh
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 08, 2021 1:39 pm
Outer Sparta wrote:Apatosaurus wrote:I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).
New draft posted but... I'm over the character limit now smh
How many characters are you over the limit by? Depending on the amount, you can definitely trim it up by getting rid of the superfluous parts and maybe specify less on what you think are their less important achievements.
by Outer Sparta » Fri Oct 08, 2021 1:41 pm
by Comfed » Fri Oct 08, 2021 2:18 pm
Apatosaurus wrote:Giovanniland wrote:The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.
I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).
by Giovanniland » Fri Oct 08, 2021 2:33 pm
Comfed wrote:Apatosaurus wrote:I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).
If they don’t do anything important it’s not commendable. “X served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and made no changes to policy or staffing and opened a new embassy” is not commendable. Commendations are for people who go above and beyond.
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 08, 2021 2:36 pm
Giovanniland wrote:Comfed wrote:If they don’t do anything important it’s not commendable. “X served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and made no changes to policy or staffing and opened a new embassy” is not commendable. Commendations are for people who go above and beyond.
Exactly my line of thought. Essentially it's saying that "being there but not doing anything notable" is somehow commendable, and the proposal is over the character limit anyways, so that part is something I'd remove if I was looking to reduce the character count.
by Outer Sparta » Fri Oct 08, 2021 2:57 pm
Apatosaurus wrote:Giovanniland wrote:Exactly my line of thought. Essentially it's saying that "being there but not doing anything notable" is somehow commendable, and the proposal is over the character limit anyways, so that part is something I'd remove if I was looking to reduce the character count.
I made a new draft so it's not over the character count anymore but I'm still not completely convinced it's worth removing a brief "serving in various government positions".
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 08, 2021 7:49 pm
Outer Sparta wrote:Apatosaurus wrote:I made a new draft so it's not over the character count anymore :p but I'm still not completely convinced it's worth removing a brief "serving in various government positions".
You have to specify what they did in those positions. If you don't, then there's not much point in adding them.
by Honeydewistania » Fri Oct 08, 2021 7:51 pm
Alger wrote:if you have egoquotes in your signature, touch grass
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 08, 2021 7:56 pm
Honeydewistania wrote:Who's Joe?
by A Bloodred Moon » Sat Oct 09, 2021 5:14 am
Apatosaurus wrote:The Security Council,
Noting that Joe Bobs has been an exemplary contributor to various historically significant regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, as well as the noble cause of defending,
Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a nation of penguins in Q102, which was then a significant region, where it had already garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:
- Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,
- Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and
Delighted by Joe Bobs' further contributions to the region of Q102, the most notable being:
- Founding the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 could meet to learn about various subjects, then going on to teach various subjects in there such as Philosophy, Literature and the History of the Multiverse,
Being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era, increasing the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months; this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,
Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), a historically famous region, where it worked tirelessly to build and its community, notably by:
- Helping start the “rotatorship” around 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,
- Serving as Minister of Foreign Affairs, building relations with many significant regions such as The East Pacific, Europeia and 10000 Islands, and
- Helping rebuild the GRA Defence Forces (GRADF) from a relatively inactive state around 2010, which helped make the GRADF a dominant force in defending again,
Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by:Praising Joe Bobs' contributions to the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), where it helped defend regions from the threat of invasion abroad by participating in countless anti-raider operations such as those in Christmas, Slavia and The Hood, and holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,
- Being one of the greatest Foreign Affairs Ministers in the region's history; during its term, the GRA built embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and
- Serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,
by Apatosaurus » Sat Oct 09, 2021 11:34 am
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Apatosaurus wrote:The Security Council,
Noting that Joe Bobs has been an exemplary contributor to various historically significant regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, as well as the noble cause of defending,
I get that you’re a moralist and the SC likes defenders, but “the noble cause of defending” seems a little... much. Perhaps that is just me.
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a nation of penguins in Q102, which was then a significant region, where it had already garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:
Minor thing, but I think “where it had already garnered praise” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if we’re talking about their beginnings. Perhaps “where it garnered praise” would make more sense.
A Bloodred Moon wrote:
- Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,
- Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and
Why not simply merge these two clauses, as they are about essentially the same topic?
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Delighted by Joe Bobs' further contributions to the region of Q102, the most notable being:
- Founding the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 could meet to learn about various subjects, then going on to teach various subjects in there such as Philosophy, Literature and the History of the Multiverse,
Is this an RP thing? I can’t tell. I’d suggest changing it to “...subjects, as well as teaching various subjects such as...” - cuts down on words/characters.
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era, increasing the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months; this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,
Maybe I’m missing the obvious, but when was “its era”?
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), a historically famous region, where it worked tirelessly to build and its community, notably by:
- Helping start the “rotatorship” around 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,
- Serving as Minister of Foreign Affairs, building relations with many significant regions such as The East Pacific, Europeia and 10000 Islands, and
- Helping rebuild the GRA Defence Forces (GRADF) from a relatively inactive state around 2010, which helped make the GRADF a dominant force in defending again,
Why so many lists? This is the third one or so.
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Additionally, ii just seems unremarkable.
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by:Praising Joe Bobs' contributions to the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), where it helped defend regions from the threat of invasion abroad by participating in countless anti-raider operations such as those in Christmas, Slavia and The Hood, and holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,
- Being one of the greatest Foreign Affairs Ministers in the region's history; during its term, the GRA built embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and
- Serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,
Another list, and there’s no reason for one - just merge it into a single clause and cut down on the filler.
A Bloodred Moon wrote:Also, what specifically is an “anti-raider operation”? Defence sounds far less complicated.
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 15, 2021 4:04 pm
by Apatosaurus » Sat Oct 16, 2021 5:22 pm
by Emodea » Mon Oct 18, 2021 1:48 am
...where it had garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:
Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,
Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt,
Being incredibly utopian, notably through its universal healthcare, strong stance against capital punishment, support of the environment and extensive protections for animal rights,
Delighted by Joe Bobs'...
...this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,
Applauding Joe Bobs' founding of the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, at the time one of the largest inter-regional coalitions that included over 500 individual members as well as many then-noteworthy regions such as The New Meritocracy and Belgium; the Anti-Racism Coalition then went on to aid in the fight against the reprehensible ideologies of Nazism and racism,
Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by serving as Foreign Affairs Minister, building embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,
...holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,
Applauding Joe Bobs for compiling the histories of various significant regions, notably though the authorship of the General History of the GRA, an in-depth documentation of the GRA's history, and the creation of a public library within the FRA of the histories of significant regions (such as Gay and United Kingdom) as Arch-Chancellor; this helped ensure the public accessibility of the history of significant regions for years to come, and
by Cereskia 2 » Mon Oct 18, 2021 1:53 am
by Apatosaurus » Mon Oct 18, 2021 12:57 pm
Emodea wrote:...where it had garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:
I'm confused, what does this even refer to? Roleplay? Issue answering?
Emodea wrote:Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,
What's the Bobbian Civil War and why should an average reader care about it? Need more details and emphasis on its significance here.
Emodea wrote:Also get rid of the award mention. Keep the actions that won them the award, but don’t include the award itself.
Emodea wrote:Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt,
Again, why should an average reader care about it? Include more details and emphasis here.
Emodea wrote:Being incredibly utopian, notably through its universal healthcare, strong stance against capital punishment, support of the environment and extensive protections for animal rights,
I'm going to assume you're talking about the onsite nation stats and policies here due to how you've worded this, but this isn’t really commendable on its own. A lot of nations support these things. What makes this nation unique from the others?
Emodea wrote:...this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,
Remove the award mention.
Emodea wrote:Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by serving as Foreign Affairs Minister, building embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,
I'm confused; why not include this in the list immediately before?
Emodea wrote:...holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,
Applauding Joe Bobs for compiling the histories of various significant regions, notably though the authorship of the General History of the GRA, an in-depth documentation of the GRA's history, and the creation of a public library within the FRA of the histories of significant regions (such as Gay and United Kingdom) as Arch-Chancellor; this helped ensure the public accessibility of the history of significant regions for years to come, and
What even...?
Okay, ignoring that this lacks way too many details to be considered "an extremely successful" term, this whole thing reads like a wordvomit. I would recommend that you rewrite this entire clause to make it less wordvomit-y and more pleasing to read and include more details on JB's FRA Arch-Chancellorship. Particularly, just don’t use too many commas. It's really jarring to see those. Break those sentences and use full-stops if you have to.
by Archinstinct » Mon Oct 18, 2021 6:25 pm
Deblar wrote:If even Switzerland is opposing your imperialist invasion, you know you've fucked up
by Apatosaurus » Mon Oct 18, 2021 6:59 pm
Archinstinct wrote:Full support, which is rare since I don't usually do the WA anymore.
by Apatosaurus » Tue Oct 19, 2021 11:22 am
by Apatosaurus » Wed Oct 20, 2021 12:07 pm
by Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 22, 2021 9:46 pm
by Outer Sparta » Fri Oct 22, 2021 9:46 pm
Apatosaurus wrote:After multiple regional votes turned out against, I have chosen to withdraw this from queue for further drafting. However, I will be resubmitting later (theoretically in a 1/2 weeks)
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