I've reworked option 2 extensively in this edit, making it a prisoner swap instead of player swap, and also noting that some countries might not have companies. Feedback is greatly appreciated!
Title:Someone Please Acknowledge Citizen's Extradition Jam
The Issue: After an ill-advised away game in Marche Noire, foreign agents have arrested popular @@DEMONYM@@ sports star Jordan Carmicael on charges of game fixing and are forcing him to play Slamsketball on their national team in a bid to increase their international sports prestige. A number of excited and distressed parties have lobbied you to intervene.
Option 1: “Perhaps the Marche Noirian claims have some validity,” notes opposition player and persistent low scorer Daphnie Mallard. “Mr. Carmichael does have a track record of winning an unreasonable amount of the time. We should ‘investigate’ suspicious top tier athletes, or maybe just let Marche Noire do the investigating for us”
Effect: @@NAME@@ publicly announces that all abduckted citizens are deththpicable
Validity: Capitalism
Option 2a: “We must get our investm- er, citizens, back!” interjects Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and owner of Mercury, a company which has an exclusive contract with the star. “Marche Noire would surely be amenable to a prisoner swap. Don’t we have that wiley Marche Noirian terrorist ‘The Coyote’ lying around?”
Effect: companies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor extradition deals and trade in human lives
Validity: No Capitalism
Option 2b: “We must get our propagan- er, citizens, back!” interjects Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and Minister of Sports and Culture. “Marche Noire would surely be amenable to a prisoner swap. Don’t we have that wiley Marche Noirian terrorist ‘The Coyote’ lying around?”
Effect: agencies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor extradition deals and trade in human lives
Validity: No Gambling
Option 3a: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure from the criminal underworld who is whispered to be an illegal alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, allowing side-bets on this and other tournaments might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves
Validity: Gambling
Option 3b: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure from the criminal underworld who is whispered to be an illegal alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, the side-bets might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves
Option 4: “What in tarnation am I hearing?!” shouts Sam Yellowstone, while brandishing a @@NAME@@ Cows jersey, handlebar mustache, and two loaded pistols. “We must get high profile stars like Jordan back by any means necessary. I don’t care if it means invasion, in fact, I hope it does!”
Effect: attempts to hold looney @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ responsible for foreign crimes are met with the toons of mortar fire