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Fruit Robbery Leads to Friction Between Plant Kingdom and Virias
The Floral Bureau of Investigation has expressed frustration at the lack of cooperation from Viral governments, as they attempt to determine what John Baldwin, the man responsible for Friday's fruit robbery in Appleton, was doing in the Taxonomic Kingdoms. The FBI believes that Baldwin may have come from one of the human communities in the Virias. More than 99% of the Taxonomic Kingdoms' human population lives in the Virias, with a majority concentrated in the cities of Bamford, BF and Viraemia, OR. "Orthornavirae and Bamford are two of the most obvious places that Baldwin could have come from, but the local authorities have been really unhelpful," said Hedera Helix, a spokesplant for the FBI. "I'm lucky if they answer the phone, and every email they send sets off my antivirus software."
Although it is possible that Baldwin came directly from Earth, it would have been far more difficult for him to cross the border and enter the Plant Kingdom from that direction. There is no indication of how he could have found a border crossing without help from a native of the kingdoms.
T.M.V. Tobamovirus, a spokesgoddess for the Orthornaviraean Royal Guard, defended the RNA kingdom's handling of the case, saying, "If you are expecting an important email from the viral kingdoms, maybe you shouldn't be using antivirus software. Also, what is the big [expletive] deal about the fruit from that one tree? It's just a [expletive] tree!"
The Bamford Sheriff's Office did not return our request for comment.
Dinosaurs Have Difficulty Accessing Online Services, Survey Finds
In recent years, government agencies in Animalia have introduced many online services meant to improve accessibility for large megafauna who do not fit through the door of brick and mortar offices. However, a recent survey has found that 47% of dinosaur deities still struggle to access essential government services. Many dinosaurs do not have internet connections in their homes or do not know how to use a computer.
Although many streets and canals are wide enough to accommodate megafauna, the interior doors and hallways in government offices are not always large enough to accommodate these species in their natural sizes. Experts say it is psychologically harmful when deities are unable to access essential services in their natural form.
This survey highlights the need for improved public education, not only for youth, but also for older deities who need help keeping abreast of modern social and technological developments.
Hermit Crabs Go on the Attack Against San Lucas Agua Tibia
The Hermit Crabs won a wild game against San Lucas Agua Tibia at the World Lacrosse Championship. Defense was sloppy on both sides, but the crabs were relentless on the attack and they emerged victorious with a final score of 11-13.
"It's not every day you see us crabs hustling like that," Dardanus Arrosor said of the game.
Opinion: Just Because You Are the God of Elephants Does Not Mean You Need Three Parking Spaces
The opinions expressed below are those of the author and do not reflect the views of the Sophia Register.
I am a Protozoan who has lived and worked in Animalia for the last 800 years. It has mostly been a positive experience. I have met many fascinating and beautiful creatures. But there is one thing I cannot get used to, and that is the gods who create animals that are thousands of times larger than they need to be and then complain that they do not have enough room. Instead of shrinking down to a reasonable size, they block doorways and drive gigantic cars that clog up parking lots and cause massive traffic jams.
Before moving to Animalia I used to think nothing could be worse than those amoebas who punch you in the side because they can't be bothered to watch where they are going. Then I got stuck in the same parking garage with a hippopotamus. There should be a maximum size for animals -- and cars. Do you really need a car that takes up three parking spaces? Animalian parking spaces are already hundreds of times the size of the ones we have in Protozoa. I don't understand what anyone needs with that much space, never mind three of them.