It's a bit morbid, and might be a bit too on-the-nose, but hoooopefully it works alright?
And, I admit, it wasn't particularly easy for me to come up with either a good humor or good effect lines for this one, so suggestions are all welcome.
Title: Class in Ethics
The Issue: The organization of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything, branch: Mammalian Omni-Saving Services, has often been the spotlight of controversy. However, an official transparency report for this year has just been released, and has detailed that nearly the entirety of the animals it routinely takes in are euthanized.
Validity: All
Option 1: "How could PETE do this!" cries Peter Griffith, an ex-PETE and ardent animal rights activist in favor of freeing all animals from all captivity ever. "Their corrupt rulership has turned this peace-loving congregation into one of death and hatred! And they're bringing shame to animal rights everywhere. I certainly don't treat my dog that way. You need to ban 'shelters' like these outright! No more killing, no more overcrowding — let these animals be free!"
[effect] it is considered unethical to squash cockroaches
Option 2: "Lets not get all moral justice warrior, here," cautions Pete Chia from the Organization of Servicing Organic Development. "I'm not going to judge their methods; the problem is that they're still officially recognized as an animal shelter. Officially reclassify them as a slaughterhouse and treat them as such, and fine them for any misleading campaigns that don't explicitly state themselves as such."
[effect] hospice clinics have been reclassified as death beds
Option 3: "See, even Pete knows what PETE does is out of mercy, for Pete sake," says @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Peterson, looking particularly petered out from having to wade through outraged reporters to get into your office. "We only euthanize animals to put them out of their misery, which you can hardly call inhumane. Of course, it'd be easier to achieve our goal if we could legally fudge the numbers on our reports. Oh, while I'm here, if you could give us a sizable grant and a public recommendation..."
[effect] debates and public announcements are interrupted with sleazy ads sponsoring depopulation
Validity: Capitalist
Option 4a: "What I don't like is how inefficient this is," croaks a dangerous looking man wielding a meat cleaver and a T-Shirt reading "No, This is Patrick". "Think of all the money that could be made if we sell their organs to vets and leftover meat to consumers! Of course, you'd need to adjust a few consumer and selling laws to make it happen, but surely you'd be willing to do that in the name of free market capitalism?"
[effect] feral @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ are domesticated to meet market demand
Validity: Socialist
Option 4b: "What I don't like is how inefficient this is," croaks a dangerous looking man wielding a meat cleaver and a T-Shirt reading "No, This is Patrick". "Think of all the money that we could make if the government ran this organization! We could supply organs to vets and sell the leftover meat to our hard-working proletariat! With a few regulatory laws adjusted and workers reallocated, we could be the envy of socialists everywhere!"
[effect] feral @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ are domesticated to meet societal demand
