Ashleigh to duel George Fenwick II IC MT SEMI-OPEN

[Fenwick Foundation]

(pictured: Ed Ashleigh and his chad jawline)

His Majesty The Sultan of Sharifistan Edward Ashleigh, Commander of the Faithful, Commander of Commanders has announced that he will be duelling George Fenwick II, son of George Fenwick, chairman of the board of the Fenwick Foundation, wow that's a lot of commas, for his honour after the younger Fenwick called him a "fucking simp" in a dab.er rant over Ashleigh's marriage to Sultana Khadijah Khan.

Although we at FenwickWatch speculated that, "given that splits involving Ashleigh (which there are many of) usually last around five minutes before a reconciliation happens (clearly down to his lovable personality)", "this could all turn out to be nothing", this appears to have been disproven by recent events that have nothing to do with the Fenwick situation but rather to do with a situation on a popular instant messaging platform that will remain nameless.

Ashleigh has reportedly promised to "fuck him [Fenwick] up."

[Fenwick Foundation]

(is that a reference to a post from 2018????)

Late in the evening, just as day was... dusking, George Fenwick II was in his father's office. He was standing at the desk while his father went over some papers.

Fenwick the elder looked up. "Oh, okay then, go on. Begin."

"Edward Ashleigh has challenged me to a duel."

"I see. I've heard about it already, actually," said the father with more than a touch of disapproval. "Did you really need to call him a 'fucking simp' on micro.blog, or dab.er, or whatever your site's called this week? If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you don't have any."

"I'm sorry."

"Hi sorry, I'm dad. No, seriously, did you think that was a good idea even ignoring the fact he was about to take the Sharifistani throne? You are a child. You behave like a child. This is not actually funny, you amuse nobody, this is not actually good behaviour, you are 22 and your 23rd birthday is in like a month," said George Fenwick, as the author almost reached self-awareness, before adding "I mean, that behaviour would obviously be expected from a 16-year-old, no judging there, it would actually be very amusing and not disappointing."

"… can I borrow the FenwickCorp scimitars again?" said Fenwick's son as he very obviously dodged (you could say with the skill of a Munkcestrian dodger) what his father had just said. "Scimitars were my choice because, you know, it would be so poetic given the last duel I was involved in…"

"Yeah, I remember. Fine. Now please refrain from pissing off the Bolriegans with your comments about Kladnov's wife and daughter for at least a month."

[Fenwick Foundation]

We here at FenwickWatch can confirm that George Fenwick II has, at a press conference announcing such, accepted Ed Ashleigh's challenge for a duel. In response to reports that Ashleigh had promised to "fuck him [Fenwick] up", Fenwick said that "[Fenwick would] be the one doing the fucking up". The potential double meaning of this statement was not commented upon by the journalists in attendance.

Shortly after the press conference concluded, Fenwick took to dab.er in an expletive-laden rant that paradoxically accused Ashleigh of being a "pussy" despite the latter's challenge for a duel. The Sultan's personal PiffleNet account responded in kind.

[Fenwick Foundation]

The world's highest profile duel since Jarl Aoife Brighteye's two successive duels against Nifonese general Fujikawa Jin and retired Cuscatlani colonel Armando Nuelle back in 2015, if the latter can even be called such, George Fenwick II, son of ex-Munkcestrian ex-Lord President George Fenwick and heir to the Fenwick Foundation, is set to go up against Sultan Ed Ashleigh of Sharifistan in what will indubitably prove to be a fight for the ages.

The location has been decided upon as aboard a chartered cruise ship in international waters. As the challenged party, Fenwick had the choice of weapons and chose scimitars. Ashleigh called Fenwick's choice "boring, predictable, and frankly unfunny". It has been reported that Fenwick initially sought to use FenwickCorp's voice-activated safety-default scimitars, but was unable to after mass refusal from slave technicians who told him that he would be a coward if he attempted such a strategy. One, who declined to be named, commented that they "just really fucking hope he dies."

[Champagne Socialist Sharifistan]

Hadrat* Sultana Khadijah Khan, wife of Sultan Ed Ashleigh and Queen of the Sharifistanis, is watching her husband take part in the duel. Also watching is Emir Suleiman Muhammad Khan,
his wives, his daughter and Shaykhah Aisha Bint Ahmed Ali Khan (Grand Vizier of Sharifistan).


*An Arabic honorific here translated as “Her Royal Highness”

[Fenwick Foundation]

[Champagne Socialist Sharifistan]

(Image)

“Kill the enemy, my master!” replied his Queen, Sultana Khadijah Bint Suleiman Khan of Sharifistan, whilst winking at him and blushing.

“Down with the Fenwick Foundation and up with the Sultanate!” shout the other spectators, angrily.

[Fenwick Foundation]

Fenwick and Ashleigh stood metres apart facing one another. Although aboard a cruise ship in international waters for legal reasons, the duel was actually taking place in a massive dome; much to the disappointment of the audience, nobody would be getting thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. Then the lights dimmed, like they do in the cinema before the film starts.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," boomed the voice of the duel's announcer, "WE HAVE GEORGE FENWICK THE SECOND, EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT TO GEORGE FENWICK, CHAIRMAN OF THE FENWICK FOUNDATION," a spotlight turned on, illuminating Fenwick and the ground around him, "AND HIS OPPONENT, WHO CALLED FOR THE DUEL, HIS MAJESTY THE SULTAN OF SHARIFISTAN EDWARD ASHLEIGH, COMMANDER OF THE FAITHFUL, COMMANDER OF COMMANDERS," the spotlight moving to cover Ashleigh. "WHO WILL WIN… AND WHO WILL DIE?"

[Fenwick Foundation]

Fenwick began, throwing his scimitar at Ashleigh. Unfortunately for him, and an unlucky audience member, his aim was slightly off. The scimitar bounced off the audience member's decapitated head and returned like a boomerang to Fenwick, who neatly caught it and bowed.

"That was, uh, a show of my skill," lied Fenwick completely unconvincingly. "Yield now, Ashleigh, or, uh, the next time someone in the audience won't be so unlucky."

[Fenwick Foundation]

Ashleigh took the completely 'un-tactical' option of doing an epic backflip. The audience cheered at this impressive feat. Fenwick glared.

"Well, I think that you have declined my generous offer," said Fenwick. "That's pretty rude, you know? You at least could have said 'no' instead of giving such a disrespectful response. I actually cannot believe your behaviour. It's disgusting. I don't know who you've been associating with who's such a bad influence on you. I can't think of anyone–…"

At that moment, as the scimitar's handle flew towards him, he realised that Ashleigh's turn had in fact not finished and he had been COMPLETELY DISTRACTED. Then he fell to the ground.

Was that it? Was the duel over, just like that? That would be a pretty lazy showing on the author's part. Yes it was over, except for the [cool sunglasses emoji] monologue.

Ashleigh walked forwards. Fenwick was disarmed and on the ground. Ashleigh dabbed in celebration. The Sharifistanis in the crowd roared as the average yearly income in Sharifistan went up by 10% thanks to all the bets placed on the duel (and the victory of their Sultan) beforehand.

Imgur is broken right now in the UK on my ISP and has been for like two days now so I can't update the epic video game battle screen

[Champagne Socialist Sharifistan]

The Sharifistanis cheered but feared the consequences when George Fenwick II’s father sought revenge. Sultana Khadijah Khan approved of her husband’s action as did her former guardian (Suleiman Muhammad Khan).

[Fenwick Foundation]

"Fenwick," said Ashleigh. "Almost three years ago now, your father, in his role as Lord President of the Munkcestrian Republic, authorised a surprise exam at the Munkcestrian School of Dodging. The result of this surprise exam by Specialist Firearms Officers from the Munkcestrian Constabulary was the death of every single student."

"W-what?" Fenwick coughed.

"Among their number was one Einar Harbardsson, son of BLOODROD HARBARDSSON," continued Ashleigh. Fenwick knew the latter name at once. To put a long story short Bloodrod had parachuted into the wedding of a Bahtari princess to a high-ranking member of the terrorist organisation Al-Dawla and had 'eloped' with the bride.

"And do you know who the father of Bloodrod is?" he 'asked', already knowing the answer but Fenwick not knowing the answer.

"No–"

"Are you fucking kidding me? I would have thought this line of conversation would make it obvious. Why else would this conversation be happening? It's so cliché and you don't even get it. It's disappointing. Well, someone had a short-lived 'relationship', if you can call it that, with a woman in Tyr and about ten months later Bloodrod popped out. If it takes you more than one guess to figure out that someone's identity you probably already have a fatal brain injury. Owned!" said Ashleigh as the implication dawned on Fenwick.

"Oh, right! I get it! Your father also fathered Bloodrod, so Bloodrod is your half-brother, therefore making this, uh, 'Ivar' (?) guy your, uh, half-nephew (?)," said Fenwick, who realised that no prizes were being given out for guessing correctly.

Ashleigh turned to the audience. "For further reading, I recommend Bloodfeud: Murder and Revenge in Anglo-Saxon England by the late Richard Alexander Fletcher."

The events that happened next cannot be recounted here due to the forum's PG-13 rule, but it suffices to say that by the end of it George Fenwick II was no longer alive.

RP END

[Fenwick Foundation]