Ahoy there, pals! Sorry for not publishing the last scheduled episode of Life Advice with Broxi the Bear - there were some green-and-white fans outside and I felt the need to go at them with a crowbar. Turns out chasing some random people with a crowbar takes a lot of time, which was time that I couldn’t spend on publishing my famous life advice which you all dearly love. Anyhow, we’ve received some more letters from our foreign friends (and some local ones!), so let’s get cracking! This first letter is from Sylestone:
Dear Broxi,
This is the Toilet from Sylestone, and I have been getting very clogged up and dirty recently. I tried to get some cleaners and plumbers in, but they've all tried to put water down some... odd places for me. What should I do next?
Many poop piles,
Toilet
Oh dear, this situation sounds most disturbing. I better try and help this poor fella!
Dear Toilet,
It’s no wonder that I could smell a pungent aroma of shit coming from this letter, judging by what you’ve told me. Last I checked, Toilet Grenades are great for unclogging toilets (as the name suggests), so please ingest one of those and report back to me with the results.
Cheers,
Broxi
I think I need to go wash my hands and dump this letter into the nearest fireplace now, ew! I’ll go rinse my hand with as much soap as possible, and after that we’ll get on to the next letter:
Dear Broxi the Bear,
Due to actions you committed against a group of people a few days ago, you are being asked to pay a fine of £1000, or face 30 hours of community service.
If you do not comply, your fine will increase, or you face the possibility of a seizure of your assets. If you still refuse to comply, you will be arrested. Please pay your fine at the nearest police station.
Glaskopolis Police Service
Oooh, how odd, a letter from our beloved police! I better write them a note of thanks.
Dear The Police,
I have committed many crimes during my time on this Earth, and I shall commit many more. You cannot track me down, and whenever I do, I always evade capture. Those green-and-white fans deserved what was coming to them, and you know it. In the words of a great poet:
FUCK THE POLICE COMIN' STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND
A YOUNG BEAR GOT IT BAD 'CAUSE I'M BROWN
AND NOT THE OTHER COLOR SO POLICE THINK
THEY HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO KILL A MINORITY
FUCK THAT SHIT, 'CAUSE I AIN'T THE ONE
FOR A PUNK MOTHERFUCKER WITH A BADGE AND A GUN
TO BE BEATIN' ON, AND THROWN IN JAIL
WE CAN GO TOE-TO-TOE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CELL
Catch me if you can,
Broxi
Ah, I love the police. They’re always so friendly, aren’t they? Next letter:
Dear Broxi,
Can I ask what you were doing in Xanneria? I heard that you and a couple of the Rangers faithful were there, and I’m wondering if the rumours are true - and if so, why? Please get back to me as urgently as possible, I need to know?
Yours,
P. J. Paul
Hrm? Xanneria? Where’s that? I’ve never even heard of a Xanneria!
Dear Mr. Paul,
Lies, lies, and more lies. I cannot confirm nor deny that I was in a nation known as Xanneria, and I cannot confirm nor deny that I was ever in this nation known as Xanneria for espionage purposes. I also cannot confirm nor deny that we did this in an attempt to help Vdara, since that would be preposterous.
Don’t be so nosy, otherwise I’ll be coming for you.
Be careful in future,
Broxi
I’ll need to search up Xanneria one day, because I’ve certainly never heard of it! Anyways, this will be our last letter, so let’s hope it’s a good one!
Dear Broxi,
All my life, I have enjoyed eating kiwis. They have been a delight of my life, and I love their texture, and their sour taste. The insides are just so delicious, and it helps me sleep at night after I’ve eaten a kiwi. Have you ever tried a kiwi? I love kiwis.
P.S. I mean the bird, not the fruit ;)
Yours,
Kiwi Lover
Erm... I’m not sure how to respond to that.
Dear Kiwi Lover,
You’re a sick fuck, you know that? I mean, I’m not the best example of a person, but come on, man! Kiwis are some of the most beautiful creatures on this earth, you gotta leave them alive!
If you eat one more of those beautiful birds, I am going to find you. I’ll chop you up into little bits, and you’ll be fed to the kiwis that you love to brutally murder, you sicko.
Yours,
Broxi
...I don’t even have any more words to say, that was just disgusting. I think I’m going to puke, honestly. We didn’t really have any good letters today, so if any of you guys out there have a letter that I can actually enjoy reading, please send it to 1872 Staunch Avenue, Glaskopolis, R4N6 3RS (or telegram me).
Cheery bye, everyone!