(a few weeks too late... or perhaps really very many weeks too early)
Original Script
Hi, and welcome back to The Idiot Project. Jeremy originally booked me to narrate Episode 3 Chapter 3 - the one about Alan Belmore - but then he decided he wanted to do that one himself. I forgive him. After all, it is Christmas.
We all love NS Sport because it lets us take a break from the real world. So let’s do that in the form of a story about police brutality, a number of frivolous law-suits, and a guy who wanted to eat a bat. Welcome, everyone, to Christmas 2003.
The characters in this story include the beloved Runaway Moose and Snub Nose 38, whose relationship we’ve touched on before. Much-missed nations like Rejistania and New Montreal States are here, as are a number of names best left in the past. Kingsford. Oglethorpia. Audioslavia. With regards to the latter, the nation of Gilmeecia, once a puppet of Lemmitania, now somewhere within Audioslavia, is going to play a minor part in proceedings.
But this weird story begins, as many weird stories do, with Alan Belmore.
Belmorian journalists were noted for their flexible attitude to spelling and grammar. They weren’t any more or less literate than those of any other nation, but the nation’s modest success over the years was a source of jealousy for some. Here during the qualifiers for World Cup 10, the nation of Kingsford took exception to a misspelling of the word ‘lose’.
Kingsford - backed by the International Grammar Police - decided to arrest every person named ‘Alan Belmore’ and take them, by ship, to Gilmeecia. Gilmeecia was a puppet-nation of Lemmitania that famously contained a hellmouth that ate people. Both Gilmeecia and Lemmitania are now situated somewhere in Audioslavia.
The Belmore Family laughed off the Kingsforder threat. The international community had different ideas.
Oglethorpia decided to show Solidarity with the Kingsforder cause, though confusingly they also said they’d show ‘Solidary’ and ‘Solidarty’. Good job the Grammar Police didn’t pick them up on that.
Soon enough, everyone was getting involved.
---
Now, if you’re the head of the International Grammar Police, here’s Rule Number One: You really have to make sure that every memo you write is written perfectly. If you don’t, it won’t be long until your rules are being used against you.
Also, if you’re pulling up the International Grammar Police for making spelling mistakes, you have to make sure you don’t make any silly mistakes yourself. Some idiot is going to send you a sarcastic memo.
What you end up with is a vicious cycle of accusations and excuses.
---
If you’re wondering… yes. All this did happen on the same day. December 10th 2003. You know how really old footage of football matches always has the players running slightly too fast in a weird comedic fashion? They tell you it’s because cameras were hand-operated, but that’s a lie. This speed is accurate. It’s just how fast they did shit back then.
Kingsford officially end the War on Errorism on December 11th, but if the early 2000s taught us anything it’s that wars aren’t over just because you stand on a big ship and say so.
Nevertheless, things quieten down, and most teams return their attention to the qualifying tournament for World Cup 10. The qualifiers were still in progress. Which makes Aquilla’s claim to have qualified for ‘every cup since World Cup 9’ a little perplexing.
By December 15th, the qualifiers are almost at an end. Relations between The Belmore Family and Kingsford are still tense, but it does appear that the War on Errorism is finally over. The Alans have apparently been taken care of. Aquilla helpfully informs us that they hadn’t also murdered all of the ians. Thanks Aquilla.
Tanah Burung are certainly of the opinion that the War on Errorism is over. Here, they’re referring to the events in the past tense. Optimistic.
Little do they know, one nation is about to involve Tanah Burung in a flagrant re-escalation of the War on Errorism. It’s an RP that deserves a dramatic reading.
--
The Belmorians take this development... surprisingly well. Aquila, however, are in no mood to play nice. The Belmore Family’s request is answered the next day. The answer is just two words long.
“Too bat.”
The Belmore Family deal with this pretty well, but things… re-escalate.
Here, Zack Williams wonders how a bat might taste.
Don’t try it, Zack. Trust us.
In any case. Zack Williams has just hoisted himself by his own petard.
As Christmas approaches, the belligerents of the War on Errorism begin to wonder what on earth it is they’re doing. Christmas Day 2003 heralds an armistice, with pardons for all who have fallen foul of the International Grammar Police. It is the first ever Christmas enjoyed by the NS Sports community, and it’s celebrated in a fittingly wholesome manner. By everyone.
Well. Almost everyone.
Even on Christmas Day, Aquilla isn’t done.
Aquilla’s re-escalation of the war will last right until the end of World Cup 10. Even in 2003, NS Sport were experts at running a joke well and truly into the ground.
The story of World Cup 10 can’t be told without referencing the International Grammar Police’s waging of the War on Errorism. Like all good wars, this one has a number of belligerents - with belligerent being the operative word - and like all good wars, Christmas Day is armistice day.
From here in 2020, and from everyone involved with the Idiot Project - Merry Christmas, everyone.
Notes/Trivia
- Scriptwriting started in early November and finished in late November. Tae turned the vocals around in record time. The watch-along for this video happened on December 20th.
- The first bit is true. I originally got Tae to do Episode 3, Chapter 3, but even after receiving his vocal track I decided to do it myself. I wanted the right tone and I’d just figured out a way to improve the audio quality of my vocals (pun unintended) - something that had been a problem with previous attempts.
- It’s a very text-heavy video that doesn’t have many other kinds of visuals. As such, I thought it best to keep the vocals to a minimum. Of all the TIP videos, this is one that probably works better in text form. The RP version of a meeting that should have been an email.
- ’Early RPing was shit’ is definitely a TIP trope at this point.
- With regards to the dramatic reading part, I was going for a mixture of late 90s low-budget Japanese zombie game voiceover, 90s ‘in a worrrrrld’ movie trailers and David Hayter’s Solid Snake. The vocal filename is ‘Solid Jaffacake’.
- The original version of the ‘Solid Jaffacake’ section had Audio doing a falsetto voice for Alan Belmore. The original version, before Mriin stepped in and with a couple of different takes here and there, is here
- The idea of getting the actual David Hayter to do a section was mooted by Mriin. I could probably afford a minute of dialogue but… yeah that’s definitely too much effort.
- The very first shot, with the zoom in to the earth, is taken directly from the very first shot of Episode 5, Chapter 3, Logic I