by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:50 am
by Daarwyrth » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:05 pm
by Minskiev » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:08 pm
by Westinor » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:11 pm
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:12 pm
Minskiev wrote:The effect line for option 1 should be ‘@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ museums’ instead of @@DEMONYM@@ museums.
The effect lines, again, could also use a tad more humor.
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:20 pm
Westinor wrote:This draft feels a bit.. superfluous? As mentioned before, the writing is fine and the issue feels balanced enough, and I don't actually take up any problems with the premise of the issue, but it just feels so unimportant (yet something that can probably presented as an issue). It reminds me some of the earlier issues written. This isn't taking up arms against your writing, which is fine, but just a thought.
On a separate note, you could probably spice the issue up with humor and flavor. All of the characters just feel like the same voice, advocating for something different. If you could add in humorous character actions, perhaps little quirks in the speech or jokes to make each speaker stand out a bit more and feel like an actual character, then you'll be on your way to a great issue.
by Westinor » Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:39 pm
Arichia wrote:Westinor wrote:This draft feels a bit.. superfluous? As mentioned before, the writing is fine and the issue feels balanced enough, and I don't actually take up any problems with the premise of the issue, but it just feels so unimportant (yet something that can probably presented as an issue). It reminds me some of the earlier issues written. This isn't taking up arms against your writing, which is fine, but just a thought.
On a separate note, you could probably spice the issue up with humor and flavor. All of the characters just feel like the same voice, advocating for something different. If you could add in humorous character actions, perhaps little quirks in the speech or jokes to make each speaker stand out a bit more and feel like an actual character, then you'll be on your way to a great issue.
I've changed up the first two effect lines and added something to the last option. Though, I think that I can do better. Any thoughts?
"That statue is a relic of art and history!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an avid collector. "It belongs in a museum! Safe, preserved, untouched for future generations, and the world to admire." @@HE@@ adds. "A glass case and guards would also be a nice touch."
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:16 pm
by Cretox State » Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:48 pm
by Westinor » Mon Aug 03, 2020 2:02 pm
Arichia wrote:Thanks for the advice, though I changed option one a bit more before seeing your advice. An effect line suggestion gave me a new idea for option one. I decided to have the art/collector enthusiast become a museum owner. I was trying to make him someone who cares about the preservation of the statue, as well as getting recognition and profit for his museum by getting the statue. I would like to see what you and others think about it. If it still doesn't seem that great, I'll go back to your advice and my previous idea.
by Trotterdam » Mon Aug 03, 2020 2:14 pm
by Australian rePublic » Mon Aug 03, 2020 2:50 pm
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:10 pm
Trotterdam wrote:If we even recognize the founder of @@NAME@@ on seeing the statue, then there must be enough depictions of him/her that the statue isn't that important or unique. Why bother taking this to the highest echelons of government?
by Australian rePublic » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:18 pm
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:21 pm
by Australian rePublic » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:23 pm
Arichia wrote:Australian rePublic wrote:First I'm hearing of that. Carry on
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jmMWohs1XM is where I learned it.
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:25 pm
Cretox State wrote:Welcome to Got Issues! Have a complementary fruit basket.
I think the premise works well enough. It isn't a sweeping policy decision like many other issues, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
You should definitely heed Westinor's advice, but I feel that a very important point is getting lost here: You can't add humor or life into an issue until you have a solid frame to build on. Your objective right now should be to distill the issue to its most basic parts; in other words, make it as lean as you can. Humor and all that jazz can come later. As it stands, you use a lot of words just for the sake of using words. This isn't a criticism of you in particular; a lot of authors struggle with this until they get a bit more experience. Cut the issue down to its essentials, then consider spicing it up.[Title] Preserve, Restore, Repurpose
[Description] A solid, but colorless marble statue of the founder of @@NAME@@ has been discovered. Debates have arisen over what to do with the massive piece of art.The description is dry, but it works. Humor can be added later on.
[Validity] None
[Option] "That statue is a relic of our glorious past!" declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, a museum owner. "It belongs in my, or um, a museum! Safe, preserved, untouched for future generations, and the world to admire, from a good distance of course."@@HE@@ asserts. "But, you must remember that my museum is the optimal place for that statue to be in."
[effect] heated debates occur over which museum gets the statue.
[Option] "The public is dying to see the color that has faded away from this statue!" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@ the Chancellor of @@NAME@@ University. "Let our team of replication experts,make a plaster replica, then paint it accordingly. Of course, we'll need funding for the material and workers' pay, but it'll be worth it!We'll do such a good job that you might just make me the Minister of Ancient Art."
[effect] auctions sell painted replicas for breathtaking amounts
[Option] "That much material to create just ONE replication is ridiculous! I could buy a mansion with that money! How does the Minister of Finance know how much money the project will cost when the previous speaker didn't cite any particular amount?Why should we waste time and money to make and color a replica, when we could paint the actual piece?" asks your Minister of Finance. "No one wants to see a boring-ole, white canvas. Research and Restore! My kids could even do the painting, for ten @@CURRENCY@@"
[effect] painting priceless statues are a common school project
[Option] A construction worker overhears and joins the conversationabruptly."That statue is made of marble! One of the strongest materials ever! I mean this thing lasted a kajillion years!" he hollers. "We can't just let it rot on a shelf, er, marble rots right? Anyways, let's free that stone from its sad state, and turn it into something much more useful!"he suggests.
[effect] marble is now the official building blocks of @@NAME@@
The feeling I'm getting is that you're trying to inject humor in areas where it isn't needed, which only encumbers the draft. It definitely has potential, but I highly recommend working to streamline the draft first. Ask yourself why each speaker is saying what they are. Why are they phrasing their arguments in that particular way? What purpose does each word serve? Does a certain phrase actually add anything?
by Daarwyrth » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:29 pm
Arichia wrote:Trotterdam wrote:If we even recognize the founder of @@NAME@@ on seeing the statue, then there must be enough depictions of him/her that the statue isn't that important or unique. Why bother taking this to the highest echelons of government?
In the description, I put that the statue was huge. To me, it's more impressive to have a larger statue than a smaller one.
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:41 pm
Daarwyrth wrote:Arichia wrote:In the description, I put that the statue was huge. To me, it's more impressive to have a larger statue than a smaller one.
Well, size isn't everything I'd argue. While certainly impressive, it doesn't feel special enough (so I am with Trotterdam on this one). Instead of or in addition to being huge, perhaps you could also add that it's believed to be one of the first depictions of the nation's founder and thus, probably the most accurate depiction of them. That would be more special than simply very big, I believe.
by Daarwyrth » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:55 pm
This is the oldest statue found of the founder
by Arichia » Mon Aug 03, 2020 3:58 pm
Daarwyrth wrote:This is the oldest statue found of the founder
Consider changing this to "This is the oldest statue discovered with the founder's countenance", as you have used "found" in the sentence before and the use of "countenance" emphasizes the appearance-aspect of the statue, I'd say.
by Arichia » Tue Aug 04, 2020 5:41 am
Wouldn't an art critic/collector be interested in more than one nation's art? I would think that a collector would want all sorts of art, not just one nation's. Or are there collectors that are obsessed with only one kind of art?"This statue is a relic of our nation's glorious past!" exclaims avid art critic @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ glances disapprovingly at a small Maxtopian sculpture on your desk.
by Trotterdam » Tue Aug 04, 2020 6:05 am
There are people obsessed with all kinds of weird categories, broad or narrow. It's a big world.Arichia wrote:Wouldn't an art critic/collector be interested in more than one nation's art? I would think that a collector would want all sorts of art, not just one nation's. Or are there collectors that are obsessed with only one kind of art?"This statue is a relic of our nation's glorious past!" exclaims avid art critic @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ glances disapprovingly at a small Maxtopian sculpture on your desk.
by Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Aug 05, 2020 5:31 am
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