Based around the fact that crazy Americans whiten their teeth. You crazy, you Americans!
DRAFT 2: SOCIALIST VERSION ADDED
TITLE:
Oral Traditions
VALIDITY:
Body modification not banned,
DESCRIPTION:
Home tooth-whitening kits -- based on peroxide bleach -- are trending in @@NAME@@, with people of all ages keen to emulate the snow-white gleam beloved of United Federation movie stars and gameshow hosts.
OPTION 1 - CAPITALIST
"Things have never looked so bright," observes your fashionable Minister for the Interior, who has a blinding smile. "Consumer activity drives economic growth, and we all look great for it. @@LEADER@@, you should get your teeth whitened with one of these kits. People will notice for sure and you'll be promoting a growth industry at zero cost to the Treasury!"
OUTCOME:
tourists always wear sunglasses when visiting @@NAME@@
OPTION 1 - SOCIALIST
"Why should the capitalists be the ones with the best looking teeth?" asks your fashionable Minister for the Interior, who has a blinding smile. "The best way to let the Red Star shine is if our nation has the whitest teeth! @@LEADER@@, you should have the state offer teeth-whitening to all of our people. The future is bright!"
OUTCOME:
tourists always wear sunglasses when visiting @@NAME@@
OPTION 2 - CAPITALIST
"Whitening is a good thing, but these home kits are potentially dangerous!" moans cosmetic dentist Dr. Luke Ingfresh. "For the sake of dental health you should restrict these items to qualified professionals, who can carry out these delicate procedures. Besides, if everyone can afford teeth whitening, then where would the prestige be? Isn't the point of looking good to stand out from the crowd?"
OUTCOME:
wealthy neighbourhoods are noticeably whiter
OPTION 2 - SOCIALIST
"A properly planned economy shouldn't be wasting money on trivialities," snaps Party Sub-director Luke Ingdown. "However, perhaps whitening could be offered as a perk to senior Party members, as an incentive for good performance. If only a few get teeth whitening, then we create prestige, and encourage all to give their best in the service of the state."
OUTCOME:
societal status can be estimated by how badly someone's breath smells like bleach
OPTION 3 - CAPITALIST
"Teeth aren't meant to be white, you know that, right cats?" croons visiting Albionian diplomat and wonky-toothed international man of mystery Ostrich Powers. "Sexy doesn't come from making yourself look like some perfect standard of straight white teeth and perfect hair. Real sexiness comes from confidence, and inner mojo. You should stop people whitening at all, close all the silly bleaching shops down. Yeah, baby! Yeah!"
OUTCOME:
foreigners who take @@DEMONYM@@ lovers often comment on their unforgettable smiles
OPTION 3 - SOCIALIST
"Perhaps it is the case that teeth are not meant to be white?" observes acclaimed novelist Theodore Dusty F. Ski. "Perhaps teeth that are the colour of teeth are intrinsic to our national identity. Maybe even in toothache there is enjoyment -- a contumacious intricacy that we may wail against in secret voluptuous joy. Let this obsession of self-perception be diluted, and let bleaching cease at once, and let us learn self-respect without self-adulation."
OUTCOME:
foreigners who take @@DEMONYM@@ lovers often comment on their unforgettable smiles
OPTION 4
"Why do we always say white is good?" asks eloquent former boxing champion Cassius Ali, holding up his black hands questioningly. "They got White Swan soap, White Cloud tissue paper, White Tornado floor wax. Snow White is white, Santa is white. But the black cat is bad luck. Blackmail is bad. Maybe you got to ask yourself, what's up with your country when you think white teeth are better than teeth-coloured teeth? Maybe start there, with the obsession with whiteness. Maybe talk to the kids, teach them to think differently, to use words differently. Maybe this whole thing is bigger than teeth."
OUTCOME:
dark days are ahead and that's a good thing
DRAFT 1:
