[SUBMITTED] Suspicious Stew

[Jutsa]

Here's a really dumb idea I came up with trying to stay awake after a long day of work after waking up early so I could wake up later.
Hope you all like @@LEADER@@-o's.

Title: Suspicious Stew
The Issue: During your brother's dog's birthday party, you and your family were served alphabet soup as an appetizer. However, the letters in your soup were arranged in a very threatening manner.
Validity: All.

Option 1: "d e a t. Do I have to spell it out for you?" says your uncle, leaving out an obvious u, g, and h floating around. "The caterer is obviously a crockpot out to cause a revolution. Off with his head!"
[effect] missiles are shot at clouds for being anti-government

Option 2: "It's just a coincidence, I assure you!" cries the caterer, twirling his mustache while stuffing a small bottle behind his apron. "Of course, if it were deliberate — and it definitely wasn't, but if it were, it might serve you well to openly listen to your most fervent critics. Just some food for thought.
[effect] socioeconomic revolutions frequently begin around lunch

Option 3: "Why, the chances of this are extraordinary!" awes your Minister of Consommé, observing a suggestive cluster of noodles with a microscope. "This must be a message from Violet! I think she's telling you to... eat it. Obviously, alphabet soup needs to be adopted as our national cuisine and made our primary export. We must worship the divine broth!"
[effect] dogs are fed soup in hopes of being gifted enlightenment

Option 4: "No! I hate alphabet soup!" laments your brother, staring at his bowl trying to find a letter other than l, s, o, e, and r. "We should ban it, and use illegal batches to drown anyone who has anything to do with it in revenge! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" His dog begins to drink his soup.
[effect] cereals and doughnuts have been banned for containing too many o's

Title: Suspicious Stew
The Issue: During your brother's dog's birthday party, you and your family were served alphabet soup as an appetizer. However, the letters in your soup were arranged in a very threatening manner.
Validity: All.

Option 1: "d e a t. Do I have to spell it out for you?" says your uncle, leaving out an obvious u, g, and h floating around. "The caterer is obviously a crockpot out to cause a revolution. Off with his head!"
[effect] missiles are shot at clouds for being anti-government

Option 2: "It's just a coincidence, I assure you!" cries the caterer, twirling his mustache while stuffing a small bottle behind his apron. "Of course, if it were deliberate — and it definitely wasn't, but if it were, it might serve you well to openly listen to your most fervent critics. Just some food for thought.
[effect] socioeconomic revolutions frequently begin around lunch

Option 3: "Why, the chances of this are extraordinary!" awes your Minister of Consommé, observing a suggestive cluster of noodles with a microscope. "This must be a message from Violet! I think she's telling you to... eat it. Obviously, alphabet soup needs to be adopted as our national cuisine and made our primary export. We must worship the divine broth!"
[effect] dogs are fed soup in hopes of being gifted enlightenment

Option 4: "No! I hate alphabet soup!" laments your brother, staring at his bowl trying to find a letter other than l, s, o, e, and r. "We should ban it, and use illegal batches to drown those who make it in revenge! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" His dog begins to drink his soup.
[effect] cereals and doughnuts have been banned for containing too many o's

Title: Suspicious Stew
The Issue: During your brother's dog's birthday party, you and your family were served alphabet soup as an appetizer. However, the letters in your soup were arranged in a very threatening manner.
Validity: All.

Option 1: "d e a t. Do I have to spell it out for you?" says your uncle, leaving out an obvious u, g, and h floating around. "The caterer is obviously a crockpot out to cause a revolution. Off with his head!"
[effect] missiles are shot at clouds for being anti-government

Validity: Free Speech
Option 2a: "It's just a coincidence, I assure you!" cries the caterer, twirling his mustache while stuffing a small bottle behind his apron. "Of course, if it were deliberate — and it definitely wasn't, but if it were, it might serve you well to regularly dedicate some time towards listening to public criticism of your leadership. Just some food for thought."
[effect] socioeconomic revolutions frequently begin around lunch

Validity: Not-So-Free Speech
Option 2b: "It's just a coincidence, I assure you!" cries the caterer, twirling his mustache while stuffing a small bottle behind his apron. "Of course, if it were deliberate — and it definitely wasn't, but if it were, it might serve you well to loosen up on those restrictions on public criticism of your leadership. Just some food for thought."
[effect] socioeconomic revolutions frequently begin around lunch

Option 3: "He's right, people giving meaning to random events is just how the cookie crumbles," says your sister, poking at a cluster of noodles arranged in a very suggestive manner. "We should make courses in probability and statistics mandatory across the nation, as well as logic courses to help explain causality and confirmation biases."
[effect] anti-establishment messages written in cake frosting are dubbed a coincidence

Option 4: "Aw, I hate alphabet soup," laments your brother, wearing a birthday hat and staring at his soup trying to find a letter other than l, s, o, e, and r. "You should ban alphabet soup so nobody else has to suffer. Oh, and make everyone who's made it cry. They'll pay... they'll all pay..." His dog begins to drink his soup.
[effect] cereals and doughnuts have been banned for containing too many o's

Title: Suspicious Stew
The Issue: During your brother's dog's birthday party, you and your family were served alphabet soup as an appetizer. However, the letters in your soup were arranged in a very threatening manner.
Validity: All.

Option 1: "d e a t. Do I have to spell it out for you?" says your uncle, his beard caught in your soup. "The caterer is obviously a crockpot out to cause a revolution. Off with his head!"
[effect] missiles are shot at clouds for being anti-government

Validity: Free Speech
Option 2a: "It's just a coincidence, I assure you!" cries the caterer, twirling his mustache while stuffing a small bottle behind his apron. "Of course, if it were deliberate — and it definitely wasn't, but if it were, it might serve you well to regularly dedicate some time towards listening to public criticism of your leadership. Just some food for thought."
[effect] socioeconomic revolutions frequently begin around lunch

Validity: Not-So-Free Speech
Option 2b: "It's just a coincidence, I assure you!" cries the caterer, twirling his mustache while stuffing a small bottle behind his apron. "Of course, if it were deliberate — and it definitely wasn't, but if it were, it might serve you well to loosen up on those restrictions on public criticism of your leadership. Just some food for thought."
[effect] socioeconomic revolutions frequently begin around lunch

Option 3: "He's right, people giving meaning to random events is just how the cookie crumbles," says your sister, poking at a cluster of noodles arranged in a very suggestive manner. "We should make courses in probability and statistics mandatory across the nation, as well as logic courses to help explain causality and confirmation biases."
[effect] anti-establishment messages written in cake frosting are dubbed a coincidence

Option 4: "Aw, I hate alphabet soup," laments your brother, wearing a birthday hat and staring at his soup trying to find a letter other than l, s, o, e, and r. "You should ban alphabet soup so nobody else has to suffer. Oh, and make everyone who's made it cry. They'll pay... they'll all pay..." His dog begins to drink his soup.
[effect] cereals and doughnuts have been banned for containing too many o's

[Trotterdam]

Alphabet soup with only four letters? You must not have been very hungry.

[Jutsa]

From my experience, noodles generally don't make it to the top very often, but I decided to throw in a few more letters for the sake of it.

ed: And I'm blissfully aware of how dumb this is.

[Australian rePublic]

Is it even possible to arrange the noodles? Or even to decide which ones float?

[Jutsa]

Probably not.

[Australian rePublic]

Probably not.

I see. Carry on

[Noahs Second Country]

During your brother's dog's birthday party

I don't actually have much in terms of feedback here, just wanted to express the joy this draft has sparked within me - this is extremely dumb and I love it.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I'm all for silliness, but this issue gets very weak around options 3 and 4. The issue could work, if delivered with some further humour to develop the joke beyond the initial premise, but it needs to go somewhere.

[Jutsa]

I think I could get behind that, Santa.

[Minskiev]

I sound like an idiot, but what does the first one unscramble to?

[Socio Polor]

I'm not sure if you heard or seen the show Martha Speaks, but I this line here:

His dog begins to drink his soup.

is the perfect opportunity to sneak in a reference

[Australian rePublic]

Does the dog get to eat alphabet soup, or does it have its own food?

[Jutsa]

Hmm. Hope I made three and four a bit more interesting.
ed: oh yeah and 4 technically suggests corporal punishment.
ed3: "I sound like an idiot, but what does the first one unscramble to?" deat.

[Jutsa]

Slightly adjusted option 4 to be both more broad. That small shift to imply those who eat it adds a surprising weight of dark and heavily ironic humor.

Moved this to last call.