The NSG Bulwer-Lytton Competition II: The Winner!

[Ethel mermania]

Admit it, the only reason you don't find it funny is because lots of fantasy novels really do have characters dressed like that.

Honestly, I haven't read much fantasy and I didn't even recognize the genre you were defiling.

I read a couple of Pratchetts but wasn't much happier for it. Is Pratchett fantasy?

If you ever feel the need to imagine what the rest of the book would look like... there'll be lots of:

• [eye colour] met [eye colour],
• the [description, usually hair colour] [verb] [action], and
• endless pages of dialogue with no description and [character name] said as the only interruption.

Aren't I just an amazing writer?

A wincingly bad first sentence does not mean an eye-gougingly bad book. But I'm sure you have one in you!

You really do have to admire that stick to it attitude he has, I agree, even if foresher does not Win the contest this year he has a bright future in bad first sentence writing and I do believe if he diligently keeps at it, he can win next year.

[The Archregimancy]

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Non-Binary Participants,,

The winner of the NSG Bulwer-Lytton Competition II is....

Cannot think of a name, showing that length sometimes doesn't matter:

Gravel, it turned out, was a terrible substitute for toilet paper.

And the runner up - for the second competition in a row - is Dumb Ideologies with:

The dream long fought for had been realised, one people, one nation, one ruler, eighty-seven genders, but one question remained - what was the correct term of address for a feminine-leaning non-binary pansexual wolfkin absolute ruler of colour?

DI, apologies if you think you were disadvantaged by having two entries in the finalists. If we ever do this again, I might make it one finalist entry per participant, just to ensure fairness - it was just so difficult to choose between your excellent entries.


Congratulations to our winner and runner-up for their fantastic new bragging rights, and many thanks to everyone for participating.

[Nobel Hobos 2]

Honestly, I haven't read much fantasy and I didn't even recognize the genre you were defiling.

I read a couple of Pratchetts but wasn't much happier for it. Is Pratchett fantasy?

Discworld, yes. Technically, the first ones might be considered parodies of fantasy, but they pretty quickly evolved into satires of the real world set on an increasingly modernised fantasy world. But there's wiz(z)ards, demons, gods, magic and heroes. Classic fantasy. However, most of them are not of the "armies gathering on the horizon" type (Jingo and Monstrous Regiment... maybe Thud, fall in this category; actually, Jingo, Soul Music and The Last Continent are the Discworlds to look at, imo, if you're willing to give Pratchett another shot).

Some of his other books might not be but aside from the Long Earth (sci-fi, definitely sci-fi) I can't think of any off the top of my head.

Definitely worth another shot then. Many titles to look into, but I will avoid Long Earth because my taste is harsh on Science Fiction. My next read in that genre is Fall; or, Dodge in Hell. I expect it to be Stephenson in the last stage of insanity. He's run out of ideas for whacky titles: he's resorting to punctuation.

A wincingly bad first sentence does not mean an eye-gougingly bad book. But I'm sure you have one in you!

I'm much better (albeit relative to a low base) when the (third person omniscient) narrator is a sarcastic little shit. Actually, it's amazing how many of those there are... Vanity Fair's actually quite like this too (I refuse to dress my characters in setting appropriate costumes because those were fugly is basically a quote).

Sadly, what I've been working on is fanfics that are trying to not be sarcastic. So, I guess, I'm making good process on the eye=gougingly bad follow up sentences.

Follow-on sentences. Though accidentally saying "follow up" when the context makes "follow on" the only meaningful phrase, is demeritworthy. You need to practise that for next year.

Your dreams of winning next year will however be dashed. I just need to get a better attitude to deadlines, and drop the silly idea I have to post late so nobody can copy me. My worst is worster than anyone can imagine, and cannot be copied nor learned from.

[Bombadil]

After near 20 years investment into the forum CTOAN finally achieved something of personal value, alas it just wasn't something he could add to his Tinder profile.

Congrats to all

[Nobel Hobos 2]

After near 20 years investment into the forum CTOAN finally achieved something of personal value, alas it just wasn't something he could add to his Tinder profile.

Congrats to all

Voting isn't closed yet. You could still win

[Ethel mermania]

Congratulations to toilet paper tester CTOAN, and thank you for sharing the first sentence of your autobiography with us.

[The Free Joy State]

Many congratulations to CTOAN!

And congrats to runner-up, DI! *imaginary round of applause, because I don't like putting too many smilies in one short post*

*distributes imaginary cookies all 'round*

[Nobel Hobos 2]

Oh I was wrong. Voting is over. CTOAN won. For making the shortest joke.

I'm pissed about this. I know it's all for fun. I'm still pissed about it. The Archregimancy cast pearls before swine, and the swine didn't even eat the pearls.

Or maybe it was a popularity contest all along. In which case, congrats to CTOAN. I like you too.

[Samudera Darussalam]

After near 20 years investment into the forum CTOAN finally achieved something of personal value, alas it just wasn't something he could add to his Tinder profile.

Congrats to all

Eh, if there is any consolation I actually vote for you Bombadil

Congrats to CTOAN and DI!

[Valentine Z]

Congratulations to you guys!

It was such a pleasure to see all the stuff here in NSG, apart from the usual brand of politics! Keeps me entertained for so long, so... yeah! ^^

[Hurdergaryp]

Congratulations to the winners! Next time I shall have to weaponize the lederhosen more thoroughly, for they clearly got me quite far in this competition, but not far enough.

[Andsed]

Congrats to CTOAN and thank you for your sacrifice in testing that gravel.

[Pax Nerdvana]

Congrats to CTOAN!

[Czechostan]

Congratulations, CTOAN! I hope the COVID outbreak ends so you can go back to normal toilet paper soon enough!

[Cannot think of a name]

Thank you.

Also, you guys couldn't have been more wrong. But thank you.

Oh I was wrong. Voting is over. CTOAN won. For making the shortest joke.

I'm pissed about this. I know it's all for fun. I'm still pissed about it. The Archregimancy cast pearls before swine, and the swine didn't even eat the pearls.

Or maybe it was a popularity contest all along. In which case, congrats to CTOAN. I like you too.

I agree. Except the popularity contest, I don't think I'd fare well in that. I think it was the combination of brevity and poop joke.

[Yohannes]

---

Congratulations, Cannot think of a name and Dumb Ideologies!

showing that length sometimes doesn't matter

“Hear, hear!” a nearby observer from Yohannes shouted.