Tribute to Dearest McKennedy Smith
Written by Jean-Marc Consommer
It is perhaps of deep sorrow to know the death of a fellow staff member of the Daily Carrot. While we had our own tragedies in the past, nothing can amount to the death of Editor In-Chief McKennedy Smith. For McKennedy Smith, he was a man of his own worth. A patriot. Adventurer. Journalist ahead of its time. Great man. Did he die doing what he loved? Yes. Even though, dying in the Bermuda Triangle is a fate destined to those who are victim to the curse that the area had to offer, McKennedy and several others didn't back down. However, it was a mistake to ensure your trust on a seaplane that was practically already a death trap. Several FAA investigators were willing to provide accident reports, after the wreckage was found. "Practically made out of sticks and loose bolts", they told me, as they had examined parts of the wreckage.
For McKennedy, he had prepared many things to his will. Even after he might have forgotten that he taped it over a copy of the movie White Chicks, though McKennedy wanted to go old school with using VHS, he still gave his last testament from an old TV on a wheeled cart in the church.
"Hello, if you watching this, I have died under certain circumstances. For the Daily Carrot, I will let you give my sympathies from the many staff that supported me. By now I had died before I had officially retired, though this is what I can say is my permanent retirement which all of you are attending now. I have already planned on selling some of my antiques to some worthy buyers that have been listed with help of my attorney. Now, for the role of editor in-chief, I have to pick someone who I knew who would be eligible for the job".
"Come on..come on.." Frisk Papperman said to himself, as he was reading McKennedy's last will with some of the other Daily Carrot staff. "I hereby announce that my role of editor in-chief will be transferred to my legitmate son, Francis Smith."
"WHAT?!!??!" Frisk yelled at the top of his lungs, alarming the rest of the funeral patrons. "Sir, this is a funeral, people are mourn-" a staff member of the church tried to politely say to Papperman, until he punched him. "Mourning my ass! I wanted that job! I'm entitled to have Smith's job! Me! ME ME ME!"
It was then that the overzealous priest immediately appeared with a loaded shotgun, aimed squarely at Frisk. "Leave, you heteric.." the priest said in a bloodthristy manner on a verge to exterminate all of the heterics in the world in a crusade. Frisk was forced to comply, as the priest and some of his aides escorted Papperman out of the church. The attorney to McKennedy continued playing the video.
"I know it will come as a shock for many, however I admit to have a son. We had never met, however I was aware of his prescene after a letter from a former spouse. Knowing he is now grown up, I believe that due to the magic of my job, he can find some happiness that I was unable to give him, if it helps. I have notified my attorney to contact Francis Smith as specified in discussions addressed while writing this will. Now for how to properly bury my body. As you may know, my body is to be shipped towards cremation. The purpose is that I know for the fact that while I intended to be buried in a sacrophagus, I fear that my own dead feet will be severed, just to fit in the ancient Egyptian coffin."
"For that reason, I intend to go out the same way as Hunter S. Thompson!" McKennedy's last words echo in the altar, as many funeral patrons realize in confusion and bewilderment.
To debate on how McKennedy wanted his ashes to be taken care of, it wasn't something I could chew and shallow. McKennedy's ashes were mixed with gunpowder and loaded into several rockets. Mostly orange colored fireworks. While some of him was taken to Disneyland, he was blown sky high above the church. Some of the falling sparks landed at the nearby greenery, so us at the Daily Carrot will apologize to Mrs. Longbottom for accidently burning down her greenhouse. And we pay respects to Mr. Anderson's new car, after a rocket accidently was sent into his priceless sports coupe.
Some workers left the Daily Carrot after McKennedy's funeral, especially that scheming parasite Frisk Papperman. To where he gone after he was fired, no one knows. Some wished him well, but some of the staff left. New ones popped up, but it's obvious for someone like me to know there is now great change in the air.
Jean-Marc Consommer is a food critic and journalist for The Daily Carrot. He is known for several reviews applauding several restuarants in the Anywhere City business district. One can find him feasting on such exotic delicacies, much to the dismay of many average-minded individuals. You can contact him below this article, if you like to schedule an interview with him or have information to provide.
Francis Smith
Francis arrived early for his gig at The Daily Carrot, as he entered, wearing a shirt and tie. A white-collar gimmick, but it was something he wore trying to peddle Ford Pintos. After taking the old elevator, he walked straight to his office. The words "Office of the Editor" plastered on the window of the door in bold letters. He adjusted the blinds, as the early morning was shining above the city. He been here for several days and was just getting used to the ropes. It was better than being in several dead-end jobs. City does have a nice view of the Hagia Sophia and the third Statue of Liberty.
Now, he needed some coffee..with lots of sugar and cream. It helps him think. At least, he got to make sure the coffee machine wasn't full of tricks.