The NSG Bulwer-Lytton Competition II: The Winner!

[Greater vakolicci haven]

Julius knew that he should get out of bed but he wasn't really sure why: there was a nagging sensation in his mind, something he had to do, something...important, though for the life of him he couldn't think of what it was; sighing, he gave up on it and went back to sleep, the end.

[Voxija]

The Jewess had that sort of grim, terrible, horrifying, yet entrancing beauty that so many female members of her kind had, a striking beauty impossible to deescribe; she had obsidian hair like the raven, perfectly clear skin somewhere between ivory and mahogany, a curvy, voluptious figure, a nose that belied her Shebrew origins, and eyes that reminded one of the terror that male Hebrews evinced and the greed they so often displayed: eyes that made me feel that the Jewess was going to poison this narratator with desire, and then chew me up.

Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.

[Czechostan]

A documentary program on Marco Polo's travels to the East playing on a screen above his hospital bed, the would-be Orientalist adventurer named Edward heaved a heavy, sickly sigh, "born too late for the Age of Exploration, born too early for real-life waifus."

[Greater vakolicci haven]

The tall man walked through the big and noisy city near the wet lake where the pretty fish swam all about and wondered why his range of adjectives was so bad, and wished he had concentrated more in the boring english class at the rubbish school.

[Northwest Slobovia]

Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.

No need. Arch will be by to check for finalists, and I'm sure he's perfectly able to employ redtext as he does.

[Voxija]

Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.

No need. Arch will be by to check for finalists, and I'm sure he's perfectly able to employ redtext as he does.

I'm just worried that some idiot will think the cruddy opening line agrees with my political views and report me without checking the topic of the thread. I really hope that opener doesn't get me in trouble.

[Rojava Free State]

The Jewess had that sort of grim, terrible, horrifying, yet entrancing beauty that so many female members of her kind had, a striking beauty impossible to deescribe; she had obsidian hair like the raven, perfectly clear skin somewhere between ivory and mahogany, a curvy, voluptious figure, a nose that belied her Shebrew origins, and eyes that reminded one of the terror that male Hebrews evinced and the greed they so often displayed: eyes that made me feel that the Jewess was going to poison this narratator with desire, and then chew me up.

Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.

I too think Sharon Dubois is rather nice to look at.

[Rojava Free State]

In a fit of passion and glory, the Albanian let out a loud victory screech and said "JESUS TAKE WHEEL!" Before letting go of his wheel and crashing into a propane truck, because while jesus can take the wheel, it doesn't mean he knows how to drive.

[Ethel mermania]

In a fit of passion and glory, the Albanian let out a loud victory screech and said "JESUS TAKE WHEEL!" Before letting go of his wheel and crashing into a propane truck, because while jesus can take the wheel, it doesn't mean he knows how to drive.

Sorry, I kinda want to read that. I want to follow jesus into a redneck bar where he drinks and complains why these yokels think a first century god knows how to drive.

[Farnhamia]

In a fit of passion and glory, the Albanian let out a loud victory screech and said "JESUS TAKE WHEEL!" Before letting go of his wheel and crashing into a propane truck, because while jesus can take the wheel, it doesn't mean he knows how to drive.

Sorry, I kinda want to read that. I want to follow jesus into a redneck bar where he drinks and complains why these yokels think a first century god knows how to drive.

And the rednecks attack him but his posse takes care of them.

[Bombadil]

Sorry, I kinda want to read that. I want to follow jesus into a redneck bar where he drinks and complains why these yokels think a first century god knows how to drive.

And the rednecks attack him but his posse takes care of them.

..due to their expertise in Jew-jitsu..?

I really hesitated on making that one.. but rules are rules, if a pun is available I must, it's the law.

[Farnhamia]

And the rednecks attack him but his posse takes care of them.

..due to their expertise in Jew-jitsu..?

I really hesitated on making that one.. but rules are rules, if a pun is available I must, it's the law.

Don't make me call Goldberry.

[Cannot think of a name]

Duck Duck Goose did not add the eluded to levity desired for the process of picking who would volunteer to leave the shelter and face certain death.

[Cannot think of a name]

The apparatus was six feet wide finger tip to finger tip and was made up of fourteen gloves attached on a metal ring that, when activated, people would brag about the length of time and speed of the rotation in regards putting their face in slapping distance.

[Cannot think of a name]

Carl was constantly answering questions like "How big was he?" or "How mean is she?" but no one ever heard anyone ask which is why no one liked Carl.

[Cannot think of a name]

He had been fired from his last job at a studio for asking, "But how do the sharks survive the tornado?"

[Cannot think of a name]

"You have change for a hun-do?" he asked over cheaper than he'd admit sunglasses to the girl running the lemonade stand.

[Cannot think of a name]

The wizard heard "Wait, this shit turns me invisible? I don't need you or anybody else ever again..." and realized too late that he had the wrong house.

[Bombadil]

..due to their expertise in Jew-jitsu..?

I really hesitated on making that one.. but rules are rules, if a pun is available I must, it's the law.

Don't make me call Goldberry.

Farnhamia woke bleary eyed from deep slumber, "last night's Mod Cave party was really too much this time", she moaned as the full force of the Jagermeister induced hangover struck her front temple lodes, she reached over and booted up the Mod Access Panel to see what travesties had occurred overnight, "Bloody Bombadil and his puns again, does he not remember I have Goldberry on speed-dial?", it was then she saw the Bananagrabber posts, "gonna be another long day" she sighed before loading up the ban cannon.

[Lamenia]

He sat there, done.

[The Archregimancy]

Good Morning from Cairo.

Entries are open for another six hours or so; they will close somewhere between 15:30 and 16:00 Cairo time (UTC +2) today (8th April).

I may set an arbitrary limit of a maximum of two shorlisted entries from any one individual; some of you have really entered the spirit of the competition and offered multiple high-quality entries - but I want to share the love around a bit.

[Forsher]

As the heavenly bodies rose in the East, casting their gloried light over a rolling plain resplendent with the life of spring and the labour of the goodly creatures, from the littlest bee to the galloping horses, the armies that brought chaos, war and suffering to half a continent heaved and bellowed in a foetid stench of man, beast and metal, unaware of their impending destruction; for, as the armies stilled, that golden host crested the western hill, glittering in their fine satin underwear and gleaming with silver charm bracelets.

[Dumb Ideologies]

The misunderstood barely-pubescent human named Raven Nox outranked them all in power and mystery both, the ghosts, vampires, werewolves and demons sighed lovelorn.

[Greater vakolicci haven]

Beneath the wildly Coruscating Northern Sky we begin our tale, wherein we meet our hero; he does not know that he is our hero as of yet, for he has not yet been born and will not be for another 26 years...there now follows several empty pages.

[Cannot think of a name]

The wall had come out of nowhere, the fact that this was true was only the beginning.