Submitting before Halloween when I'm ready.
Notes: The (fire)fighter part labelled in red that the scientist relabelled a fighter drone. Currently looking for better ways to write or alternative jokes.
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbour spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping the fire. Quick, get low, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."
Result: stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If these kids weren’t leftat home aloneunwatched like this, this situation would never have happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep them safe."
Result: teen parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around
Option 3: "Hallo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding a large drone labelled (fire)fighter. "All zis could be easier with firefighting drones zat can carry powder to put off fire, and ja, even find children using cameras. Ve von't need to risk losing lives vith drones. Throw some funding to drone development. This new technology vill save lives."
Result: firefighting drones put out barbecue grills unbidden
Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding an asbestos garment bag. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and children like these won't face life or death situations. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."
Result: toast never burns but always has a weird chemical taste
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbour spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping the fire. Quick, get low, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."
Result:practicingstop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If these kids weren’t left at home alone, this situation would never have happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep them safe."
Result: teen parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around
Option 3: "Hallo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding a large drone labelled (fire)fighter. "All zis could be easier with firefighting drones zat can carry powder to put off fire, and ja, even find children using cameras. ve von't need to risk losing lives vith drones. Throw some funding to drone development. This new technology vill save lives."
Result: firefighting drones put out barbecue grills unbidden
Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding an asbestos garment bag. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and children like these won't face life or death situations.He opens his fireproof suitcase.Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."
Result: toast never burns but always has a weird chemical taste
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbour spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping the fire. Quick, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."
Result:practicingstop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If these kids weren’t left at home alone, this situation would never have happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep them safe."
Result: teen parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around
"Halo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ appears out of nowhere. "All zis could be easier with virevighting drones...drones zat can carry powder, an yas, iven find children....ve von't need to risk lives vith drones...throw some funding to me...this new technology vill save lives..."
Result: drones are tasked with putting out birthday candles.
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping fire. Quick, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."
Result: practicing stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If these kids weren’t left at home alone, this situation would never have happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep them safe."
Result: teen parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around
Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there's nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and it would be good for our citizens, you know. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."
Result: campers struggle to produce heat as "firewood" is made fireproof.
Draft 8
Draft 7
Draft 6
Draft 5
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbour spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping fire. Quick, @@LEADER@@, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."
Result: practicing stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game.
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep children safe."
Result: teen parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "All this is unnecessary if we have better technology, you know. We just need better sprinklers, fire detectors and fire slides that you can use to get out of your house, you know. Sure, there will be a lot of houses to install these, but it's worth the cost, you know."
Result: children are too afraid to go down fire slides.
Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there's nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn at all right? Just mandate that all, yes all furniture, objects, and clothing be fire-resistant. Also, children should have a child-tracking device in their wrist all of the time, so parents can keep an eye on them. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."
Result: kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Draft 7
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can and teach kids about fire evacuation. Quick, @@LEADER@@, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."
Result: stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favorite playtime game.
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep children safe."
Result: kids’ parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.
Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "All this is unnecessary if we have better technology, you know. We just need better sprinklers, fire detectors and fire slides that you can use to get out of your house, you know. Sure, there will be a lot of houses to install these, but it's worth the cost, you know."
Result: children are too afraid to go down fire slides.
Option 4: "Allow me to ask a question: why do we care?" mutters renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This clearly happened because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet. It's their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money trying to protect children - the kids should know better."
Result: kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Draft 6
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue." says Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to properly evacuate, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for us – the fire department, so we can send fire engines around to schools and teach kids about fire evacuation. Quick, @@LEADER@@, cover your mouth and nose and follow me."
Result: stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favorite playtime game.
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! They should have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep everyone safe."
Result: kids’ parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.
Option 3: "Allow me to ask a question: why do we care?" mutters renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This clearly happened because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet. It's their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money trying to protect children - the kids should know better."
Result: kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Draft 5
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke. In the following press conference, Fire Chief @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ explained that many children unfamiliar with fire can view it as a predator to hide from, rather than something that can be escaped.
Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue." says Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "If we teach kids how to properly evacuate, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum. You should also provide grants for us – the fire department, so we can send fire engines around to schools and teach kids to get out when they see a fire. Quick, @@LEADER@@, cover your mouth and nose and follow me."
Result: stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favorite playtime game.
Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! Children can’t take care of themselves! They should have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep everyone safe."
Result: Kids’ parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.
Option 3: "Allow me to ask a question: why do we care?" mutters renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This clearly happened because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet. It's their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money trying to protect children - the kids should know better."
Result: Kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke. In the following press conference, Fire Chief @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ explained that many children unfamiliar with fire can view it as a predator to hide from, rather than something that can be escaped.
Option 1: “This is clearly an educational issue.” says Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. “If we teach kids how to properly evacuate, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum. You should also provide grants for us – the fire department, so we can send fire engines around to schools and teach kids to get out when they see a fire!”
Result: stop-drop-and-roll has replaced hide-and-seek as kindergartners' favorite playtime game.
Option 2: “Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home??” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. “If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! Children can’t take care of themselves! They should have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. It’s the only way to keep everyone safe.”
Result: Kids’ parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.
Option 3: “As usual, technology has the best answer!” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of a technology company. Allow me to introduce our new invention, the auto firefighter! This robot can spot any fires in the house and swiftly remove them with a fire extinguisher inside! That way, you don’t need to worry about fires getting too large to threaten lives in the first place. What could go wrong?
Result: Families often have their birthday cakes sprayed with powder.
Option 4: "Allow me to ask a question: why do we care?" mutters renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This clearly happened because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet. It's their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money trying to protect children - the kids should know better."
Result: Kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
[box]Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke. In the following press conference, Fire Chief @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ explained that many children unfamiliar with fire can view it as a predator to hide from, rather than something that can be escaped.
Option 1: “This is clearly an educational issue.” says Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. “If we teach kids how to properly evacuate, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum. You should also provide grants for us – the fire department, so we can send fire engines around to schools and teach kids to get out when they see a fire!”
Result: dinnertime in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ is marked by children running to escape the flames of their parents' cooking ranges.
Option 2: “Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home??” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. “If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! Children can’t take care of themselves! They should have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. It’s the only way to keep everyone safe.”
Result: Kids’ parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.
Option 3: “As usual, technology has the best answer!” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of a technology company. Allow me to introduce our new invention, the auto firefighter! This robot can spot any fires in the house and swiftly remove them with a fire extinguisher inside! That way, you don’t need to worry about fires getting too large to threaten lives in the first place. What could go wrong?
Result: Families often have their birthday cakes sprayed with powder.
Option 4: "Allow me to ask a question: why do we care?" mutters renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This clearly happened because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet. It's their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money trying to protect children - the kids should know better."
Result: Kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Run, not hide
Validity: No Child Self-Rearing
Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke. In the following press conference, fire chief @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ remarked that this was shockingly common behavior for children, and called for the government to intervene.
Option 1: “This is clearly an educational issue.” says Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. “If we teach kids how to properly evacuate, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum. You should also provide grants for us – the fire department, so we can send fire engines around to schools and teach kids to get out when they see a fire!”
Result: dinnertime in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ is marked by children running to escape the flames of their parents' cooking ranges.
Option 2: “Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home??” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. “If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! Children can’t take care of themselves! They should have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep everyone safe. It’s the only way to keep everyone safe.”
Result: Kids’ parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.
Option 3: “As usual, technology has the best answer!” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of a technology company. Allow me to introduce our new invention, the auto firefighter! This robot can spot any fires in the house and swiftly remove them with a fire extinguisher inside! That way, you don’t need to worry about fires getting too large to threaten lives in the first place. What could go wrong?
Result: Families often have their birthday cakes sprayed with powder.
Option 4: "Allow me to ask a question: why do we care?" mutters renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This clearly happened because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet. It's their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money trying to protect children - the kids should know better."
Result: Kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.
Run, not Hide
Description: Yesterday, a house caught fire while two children were playing inside alone. The two children, not knowing what to do, went hiding in the closet right after calling the emergency service. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke. But the question is, how to prevent it from happening again?
Option 1: “This is clearly an educational issue.” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ fire department, holding a 100-page manual for fire safety. “If these kids had known how to evacuate, this would have never happened! @@LEADER@@, we should be teaching our children what to do when there’s a fire. That’s the only way to keep everyone safe!”
Result: children who ring fire alarms for fun claim they were “helping with fire safety education”.
Option 2: “Wait the parents left children ALONE at home??” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ children behind @@HIM@@. “If those uncaring parents had never gone outside without their kids, this situation would have never happened! Children should have at least one adult protector with them, 24/7. It’s the only way to keep everyone safe.”
Result: parents going to work are often asked if their children are at home alone.
Option 3: “As usual, technology has the best answer!” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of a technology company. Allow me to introduce our new invention, the auto firefighter! This robot can spot any fires in the house and swiftly remove them with a fire extinguisher inside their body! That way we can suppress the fires easily and quickly. What could go wrong?
Result: families often have their birthday cakes sprayed with powder.
Option 4: “Allow me to ask me a question: Do we really need to care?” mumbles renowned libertarian @@RANDOMNAME@@. “This happened clearly because the children were stupid enough to hide in the closet! It’s their fault for not being smart enough! The government should stop wasting money on these so-called “safety education”. People should know better.”
Result: thousands die each year from carelessness.