Season 20,076
Part I
Sometimes football doesn’t work out as expected. Sometimes, though, Raynor and Mar Sara comfortably beat newly-promoted lambs to the slaughter in Hartdale and Sharala. Rinaldi boast an impressive forward line, Souter and Brenecia-cum-Valanora international Lynch backed by former Crisisbless midfielder Camilla Priest, but nobody told Rolalas their part of the script - they hold firm and repel the opposition, perhaps unlucky not to win after a bullet strike from Juliane Uthaugl hits the frame of the goal in injury time. Soldarian beat Valanari with the odd goal in five - issue is, it goes in off Ted ‘Nuke’ Dolanukitainen’s hand. “It was my shoulder,” he insists to the press, after being caught on camera literally pushing a chest-height cross from Catessic over the line - though a pile of bodies stopped VAR from getting a good look at the time.
So much for Rolalas’ defensive efforts - Mathea Indrebo nets a first-half hat-trick to help Hondo to a 5-1 win, Ine Skogen left to bemoan a ‘shameful’ lack of effort. Hartdale get their first Premiership point, holding out against a fairly middling Straightdale, and Sharala almost follow suit. Goalkeeper Oskar Lokken holds heroically firm, until he doesn’t, beaten out from thirty yards by a thunderbolt from Tajo Cianflone. Nuke’s given a one-match suspension for his blatant cheating on his debut, and Soldarian miss him, their edge blunted against Capri as they go down 3-1.
Nuke’s back! But Soldarian lose again anyway, as a difficult start to the season continues - Ibini coming back from a 2-0 half-time deficit to win, cheered on by a cauldron who refused to be dimmed down, Ada Lonning and Sander Aspaas coming off the bench to help turn the tables and display their strength in local depth. Still, Ibini’s goalkeeper, Eide, remains an easy target - Soldarian’s first goal, from Ramberg, slips by him at his near post. RCU still don’t look… great… and just fail to click after Mina Lokken’s bullet header sucker-punches them early on. They get, and just about deserve, a leveller from Arango, but… it’s Straightdale. At home. 1-1 isn’t good enough. Still, title rivals Mar Sara slip worse, beaten 3-1 at home by an energetic Gladerial United.
Straightdale’s run of three straight draws is over. They looked like they’d make it four for a while, until a dreary scoreless match against Rolalas comes suddenly to life when… well, okay, nothing exciting, but Ottaway crudely hacks down Lokken to give away a penalty that Hagen confidently slots home. In practice, RCU are dominant again over Samarga, who aren’t terribly interested in possession (winding up with just 29% of it), but poor Rocker finishing and a late goal, lumped from Weisz to Barber to head home, makes it look close.
RCU in crisis, according to the press - even though they’ve won 3 and drawn 2 of five. But middling Rolalas come to RCU, aiming to hold their ground at all costs and thanks to an unerring strike from Mathias Skau that scrapes past Macron Abbott’s fingertips, manage to take a point. Yet again, the hapless Ottaway’s at fault at the other end, flicking Lithvathar’s cross into his own net with his heel, but still. A point at RCU’s a point at RCU. Hondo manage their improbable second 5-1 win in five matches, and the young Indrebo races to the top of the goalscoring charts with her sixth and seventh of the young season, seemingly filling the gap left by Lucy Curren (who moved to Centralis for 10m in the off-season). Ibini, the victims, face more calls for Eide’s head, but Marit Engvik stands by his young goalkeeper of choice. Samarga pulverise Gladerial 3-0 with three very route-one goals, while Straightdale finally lose, 2-0 at home to a Valanari side inspired by Sofia Sundal.
RCU are mysteriously no longer in crisis after demolishing Gladerial 3-0, and Mar Sara avoid a negative narrative with a last-minute goal from Thorsen to sink an unfortunate Rinaldi. Rolalas go down 2-0 in the first half to Valanari, Sundal again key… but then in the second half they mount a hell of a fightback. Skau hits a brace in the first six minutes, before Sundal sets up Sara Haugum to put the hosts back in front. But Rolalas fight back again, Andersen, Heier and the redeemed Cuthbert Ottaway putting them in the driver’s seat, though unmarked Valanari centre-half Haland heads home a corner to make things interesting late on. But most of the stares are reserved for lowly Club ESF, fresh off defeat to Rinaldi at home, who thrash Hondo FC, fresh off a 5-1 win, 8-0. Islander forward McGeouch scores goals one, two, three and four of the season to instantly boost his profile.
Hondo, somewhat shellshocked, ring the changes. Granted, they’d taken in a well-rotated side against Club ESF, but they manage to get a draw in Mar Sara, which is decent going. Club ESF, hilariously, lose 3-1 to lowly Hartdale. Anga Landsem, like McGeough last match, hadn’t yet gotten on the mark for the season - she scores the decisive second-half brace today, and does an obnoxious? adorable? plane celebration towards the crowd with each goal. Valanari’s allergy to doing things easily continues, and RCU are back in crisis - they play out a 5-5 draw in which neither side really bothers with defending.
Mar Sara batter Hartdale 4-0, giving pause to talks of crisis that haven’t really come up as much as they should. Still… it’s Hartdale. At home. Valanari show they’re able to have relatively sane matches again, losing just 3-2 to Capri. Veteran Capri forward Sue Hackett has a goal chalked off, a towering header marred by having to seize a handful of Haland to get there, and gets a booking for her protest - she makes up for it with an exquisite second-half volley on the turn, stunning goalkeeper Thea Lind and the crowd in equal measure to steal the three points.
A weird matchday - nobody keeps a clean sheet, and only Ibini FC, thanks to an inspirational showing from Inaki Marton, score more than two. In goal for them, under-fire keeper Brynjar Eide finally gets to stick it to his detractors with a strong performance, an inspired double-save preventing Valanari from taking the lead an hour in with the scores locked. Two minutes later, Marton scored at the other end - hell of a sliding doors moment. Newly-promoted Sharala and Hartdale, well, look the part - just a little off the pace, unable to really hurt each other. Hosts Sharala have the better of it, but Hartdale keeper Darren Koufax is man of the match, which says a lot.
RCU, fresh off doing the Straightdale of three straight draws, also do the Straightdale of almost getting a fourth before deviating from doing a Straightdale when Dolanukitainen, scoreless since the first match, smashes home a late winner for Soldarian. He runs at the camera and tries to make a radiation warning symbol with his fingers, which… looks really weird, and vaguely obscene. Hondo seem to have left the 8-0 defeat behind them, thrashing Gladerial 5-0 as Indrebo breaks a short scoring drought. ESF and Valanari draw 3-3, because of course they do.
RCU come back with a vengeance, and not a moment too soon given it’s a crunch match against fellow title hopefuls Ibini. Eide’s goal is peppered, and he is found wanting, though his defence gives him little help as the match ends 6-1. Cianflone, with a hat-trick, leapfrogs Mathea Indrebo(and like five others) to the top of the goalscoring charts with nine. Hartdale, in an unusually commanding performance given their stature, stop Gladerial from having so much as a shot on target as they win 2-0, Landsem and the burly centre-half Tobiasen accounting for the crucial away win.
For Ibini’s next fixture, a placid 1-1 draw against Club ESF, Eide’s given a ‘rest’, and Jacobsen does an unremarkable job covering for him. Beleaguered fullback Sheila Greaves is ‘rested’ too, probably more permanently - especially given how impressive Ulrika Astrom is at replacing her, lively up and down the left and setting up Casseres for their goal. It’s a pretty dire matchday; no match has more than two goals, and Hondo are the only team that score twice themselves, beating Soldarian as Dolanukitainen goes missing.
Once again, no team scores three or four times… but RCU and Hondo both manage 5. Raynor face down Club ESF, who crumble, 3-0 down in the first 20 minutes. The rest of the match is a procession. Hondo have rather more to do against a normally so resilient Rinaldi who hold them to 2-2 at the interval, but evidently Aurora Bye’s half-time team talk was about entropy, the essential insignificance of anything her charges will do, the realisation that the next 45 minutes won’t matter, nothing matters, it’s all just a way of pulling a veil over the creeping inevitability of the void, because her charges came out looking demoralised as all hell, lambs to the slaughter of three unanswered Hondo goals.
It’s been a very strange season, lines blurred between the good and the bad. Sharala manage to hold off Ibini in a match where Allandren Fresco hits each post. But Hondo vs. RCU, inconsistent as either has been, still seems like a six-pointer in the race for the title. Hondo have recovered well from their 8-0 humiliation at the hands of Club ESF, while RCU have pretty much recovered from any talk of crisis (which has now fallen on Mar Sara, who just about edge Club ESF), but it’s Hondo who come out ahead as the often-overlooked Rafferty scores either side of half-time. Eide’s back in goal for Ibini, and doesn’t have a lot to do in a scoreless draw with Sharala - still, the rest will have done his nerves good.
The bookmakers had Mar Sara second-favourites for the title. Not anymore. They’ve won eight of their first fourteen and often looked unconvincing against poor opposition, but nothing as bad as this. Nothing anywhere near as bad as a 9-2 hammering at the hands of the Rockers. Perversely, Mar Sara actually score first, Seve Vasquez heading home an excellent free kick from Thorsen, and then they score again. An own goal. One of two on the night. Saravakos runs rampant down their right, Arango runs the show in midfield, Cianflone fills his boots with his second hat-trick of the season and it’s almost insulting that Macron Abbott lets a weak shot from Stromnes wriggle through his grasp. He smiles, wryly, and can afford to; they’re 6-2 up at the time. 9-2, to repeat, by the end. Jens Dahlberg, despite widespread fan protests, clings onto his job for another match.
Ps Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Hondo FC 15 9 5 1 36 21 +15 32
2 Wexax United 15 7 8 0 17 9 +8 29
3 Mar Sara FC 15 8 5 2 26 19 +7 29
4 Raynor City United 15 7 6 2 38 17 +21 27
5 SC Rinaldi 15 6 6 3 13 12 +1 24
6 FC Capri 15 6 4 5 23 15 +8 22
7 Ibini FC 15 6 3 6 19 23 −4 21
8 Rolalas FC 15 5 5 5 20 24 −4 20
9 AC Hartdale 15 5 4 6 14 17 −3 19
10 Straightdale FC 15 5 4 6 11 16 −5 19
11 AC Valanari 15 4 4 7 29 33 −4 16
12 Club ESF 15 4 4 7 23 27 −4 16
13 Soldarian FC 15 4 3 8 17 24 −7 15
14 Samarga United 15 3 4 8 13 20 −7 13
15 Gladerial United 15 4 1 10 18 30 −12 13
16 AS Sharala 15 1 6 8 4 14 −10 9
- Juavi FC
(20 goals) - Raynor City United
(19 goals) - Hondo FC
- Raynor City United
- Wexax United
- Ibini FC
Richie Jordan (30), Ana Nakken (31); Sofia Sundal (29), 
Emery Mallister (MC, 34), Mari Thomsen (ST, 22)
Philippus Deniaud (25); Pánfilo Veliz (22), Sabrina Möller (25), Eliza Hellström (31); Yuki Hatsune (29); Dieter Schreiner (29), 
Chikelu Okonye (ST, 24)
Trent Owen (27), Aurora Paulsen (25), 
Ricky Casanova (21), 
John Cornett (28)
Aarón Aiza (32); Mathea Indrebø (29), 
Victorina Bird (27), Sander Aspaas (29)
Tez Fioqaar (26), Aslak Thorbjørnsen (32); Jon Sæther (26), Anna Holm (30), 
Zita Szöcs (25), Linus Grimstad (28); Samuel Strømnes (30), 
Harlem Saxstrom (25)
Lyie Lerwick (ST, 22)
Krister Voynov (25); 
Tiburcio Prunes (RB, 27), 
Karl-Heinz Jager (CB, 23), 
Tyler Shrub (26); Emilian Berg (26); 
Sophea Shinjuku (21)
- Hondo FC
Tommie Hines (27), Noah Bergo (32), 
Ernat-Belaj Gla (22), 
Taulant Haji (27), 
Gua Chow Lin (LB, 20), Samuel Almås (RB, 32), Mohammed Nguyen (LW, 33), Sverre Solheim (MC, 33), Laura Mørk (AMC, 34), Mathea Indrebø (ST, 33)
Rex Farrowshard (23); 
Izzet Timur (LB, 24), Jasmine Sunde (CB, 32), 
Gonshiro Vada (A/MC, 17), Frida Hansen (ST, 19)
Anna Guweddeko (MC, 21), 
Andvar Galdarhim (22), 
Foster Benjamin (20), 
