[DRAFT] - Gonna Take My Hearse To The Old Town Road

by **Pangurstan** » Thu Jan 09, 2020 7:18 pm

Title: Gonna Take My Hearse To The Old Town Road

Validity: Has cars, has sports

Description: A hundred-car-long funeral procession, with an unembalmed body, happened to be passing by the @@CAPITAL@@ stadium after the final game of the national @@ANIMAL@@ball cup. The resulting massive traffic jam lasted for the rest of the day and blocked roads in most of downtown @@CAPITAL@@.

Option 1: “Just make some traffic laws inapplicable to funeral processions,” suggests undertaker “Hit and run” @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@. “The funeral procession only blocked traffic because it couldn’t turn left until the game ended. If funeral processions were given the right of way, then this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t see anything that could go wrong.”

Effect: student drivers learn to never make left turns near funeral homes

Option 2: “Are you kidding me!?” shouts angry sports fan @@RANDOMNAME@@ while making threatening gestures with a @@ANIMAL@@ball bat. “The funeral was responsible for the traffic! You have to make these things go faster. And there should be a maximum of five cars in a procession. If you do this, there won’t be traffic problems anymore, right?”

Effect: street races are only held from the funeral home to the graveyard

Option 3: “It seems to me that the problem is traffic in general,” states your transportation minister while doodling a skull and crossbones on a subway map. “Why don’t you just build public transit systems from the funeral homes to graveyards? Or you could replace the bike holders on buses with coffin holders. This will deal with non-funerary traffic too!”

Effect: commuters have nicknamed the new @@CAPITAL@@ subway ‘The Train of Death’

Option 4: “I have a solution to this problem,” interjects mad scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@ while holding a mouse in one hand and a syringe labeled ‘Formaldehyde’ in the other hand. “The smell problem was caused by the body not being embalmed, so more embalming fluid means no more smell! The necessary bottling plants already exist, so what’s stopping you from doing this?”

Effect: bottled water is no longer preservative free

Title: Gonna Take My Hearse To The Old Town Road

Validity: Has cars, has sports

Description: A hundred-car-long funeral procession happened to be passing by the @@CAPITAL@@ stadium after the final game of the national @@ANIMAL@@ball cup. The resulting massive traffic jam lasted for the rest of the day and blocked roads in most of downtown @@CAPITAL@@. This happened during an embalming fluid shortage, so thousands of angry sports fans have written letters complaining about the smell.

Option 1: “Just make some traffic laws inapplicable to funeral processions,” suggests undertaker “Hit and run” @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@. “If funeral processions were given the right of way, then this wouldn’t have happened. What could go wrong?”

Effect: student drivers learn to never make left turns near funeral homes

Option 2: “Are you kidding me!?” shouts angry sports fan @@RANDOMNAME@@ while making threatening gestures with a @@ANIMAL@@ball bat. “The funeral was responsible for the traffic! You have to make these things go faster. And make it so that they can only have a few cars in a procession.”

Effect: street races are only held from the funeral home to the graveyard

Option 3: “It seems to me that the problem is traffic,” states your transportation minister while doodling a skull and crossbones on a subway map. “Why don’t you just build public transit systems from the funeral homes to graveyards? Or you could replace the bike holders on buses with coffin holders. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

Effect: commuters have nicknamed the new @@CAPITAL@@ subway ‘The Train of Death’

Option 4: “I have a solution to this problem,” interjects mad scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@ while holding a mouse in one hand and a syringe labeled ‘Formaldehyde’ in the other hand. “The smell problem was caused by the body not being embalmed, so more embalming fluid means no more smell! The necessary bottling plants already exist, so what’s stopping you?”

Effect: bottled water is no longer preservative free

by **USS Monitor** » Thu Jan 09, 2020 10:29 pm

A dead body smelling bad after it's been sitting out for a week doesn't sound like "a bizarre series of coincidences." It sounds like a predictable effect of a dead body sitting out for a week.

But if you have a week-long traffic jam, I think addressing traffic congestion is more urgent than legislation about funeral processions.

by **Lelscrep** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 2:41 am

Basically what USS said, a week-long traffic jam seems far more disastrous than a decaying corpse. I also feel if traffic was stationary enough to be kept for a week, the body probably would've been moved out of that road on foot, likely to another road. I dunno, just feels a little too far-fetched. Also to me the option four effect line doesn't make much sense.

This issue does seem workable though, and you write in a way that's very easy to read.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:04 am

An issue about how hearses should be treated in traffic is a good idea, but the framing premise needs to be rethought, for sure.

Perhaps it could be the funeral of a beloved national hero that was delayed for four hours because the hearse was caught in traffic? You don't need decaying bodies or out of the ordinary traffic, just the question being raised if hearses should be able to bypass some of the usual traffic rules, like being able to use bus lanes, or being given right of way, that sort of thing. You could of course have a counterargument arguing that the processionary pace of hearses causes traffic problems, and that they should be given LESS special privileges.

by **Australian rePublic** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:33 am

This seems ridiculously unlikely

by **Sacara** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 8:57 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Perhaps it could be the funeral of a beloved national hero that was delayed for four hours because the hearse was caught in traffic?

If this were the case, I feel like it could be assumed that traffic would already be shutdown. I can't imagine a procession of a beloved figure being held up by traffic anywhere.

by **Sanctaria** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 10:13 am

The title is too good to not be an issue title, so I'd recommend taking the advice of Candle and others on board and re-framing the issue.

by **Socio Polor** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:46 pm

Before anything else, the title is brilliant, good work on that. On to the meat of the draft, I would have to say the entire dilemma is unrealistic and improbable. Not even the most congested cities have weeklong traffic jams and a poorly embalmed body on a high-temperature day may stink the area it's in, it won't stink the entire city, let alone for a whole month. With that being said, I would say the premise is good, just needs some rework done. Good Luck!

by **Pangurstan** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 11:32 pm

Changes in draft 2:
The premise has been changed. Hopefully it makes more sense.
Implemented Candlewhisper Archive’s advice with the options.
Option 4 has been tweaked so the effect line makes more sense

Sanctaria wrote:The title is too good to not be an issue title

Thanks. I came up with the pun and thought ‘Why not try to write an issue?’

by **USS Monitor** » Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:01 am

That's an improvement. Keep it on the forum a bit longer to see if anybody has more feedback, but I think this one's viable.

by **Pangurstan** » Sun Jan 12, 2020 10:40 pm

Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump YEE!

by **Sacara** » Sun Jan 12, 2020 11:24 pm

I don't quite get option four, how do you just get more embalming fluid? I think it just clutters the draft a bit, and I think you could probably just remove it (and the corresponding reference in the intro). You could also add a little more beef to each of your options, too.

by **Lelscrep** » Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:53 am

Sacara wrote:I don't quite get option four, how do you just get more embalming fluid? I think it just clutters the draft a bit, and I think you could probably just remove it (and the corresponding reference in the intro). You could also add a little more beef to each of your options, too.

Licensed embalmers can just buy more of it as far as I'm aware. Hell, anyone can get embalming fluid if they look hard enough, but enough about my weekends.
I agree that some of the options are a bit short, and more could be added to them. I also want to add that embalming fluid will not stop the body decaying forever, and thus the smell will resume eventually (I assume the option is suggesting that all bodies recently deceased are mandated to be embalmed with copious fluid.)

by **Pangurstan** » Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:14 pm

The options are a bit longer now, and I shortened the part about embalming fluid in the description.

[DRAFT] - Gonna Take My Hearse To The Old Town Road

[DRAFT] - Gonna Take My Hearse To The Old Town Road

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