Voxijan News Thread [IC/READ ONLY]

[Voxija]

Voxijan News

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News. Some people want the news, and most people don't. If you want Voxijan news, come to this thread and read the news. Most news will be in real time, but not always. The date of the events covered by the news will be in every post, so don't worry.

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News outlets and media represented by this thread

The Xirroni Journal: A fairly trustworthy (as much as any source can be in this day and age) based in Xirroni. Founded in 1909 by a group of young men remembered as "the Three". Mostly reports on domestic and political affairs. Recently switched to an online format after spending one hundred years as a newspaper.

The Voxijan Chronicle: A news source that has been called "...the Voxijan equivalent of the Wall Street Journal!" (Edwin Thomas, 1978, A Study of Foreign Newspapers). Founded in 1943 to report on the war, it passed from being government-funded into private hands in 1967. Mostly reports on business and Voxijan events that impact the wider world. Operates simultaneously as a website and a newspaper.

The World: A mostly untrustworthy news website that panders to right-wing interests. This source is included here for side color and laughs. This website was founded in 2016 by former psychologist Emetzi Viskarret to espouse his political views. Reports on anything and everything. Was always a website. Update: after some scandals, the World has reinvented itself as "the only source willing to talk about the big racial issues!" Still racist, though.

The News: A gossip website and magazine that mostly reports stories about Voxijan celebrities and politicians. Founded in 1995 by Kavinda Urbina, who did not like that the rest of the gossip magazines never wrote about Voxija. Unlike most similar newspapers, the News is accurate and sources its news.

The Rambler: A small-time blog and magazine that reports on local issues that don't make the big newspaper outlets. Known for analyzing events to the point of meaninglessness.

[DISCLAIMER: All articles (and newspaper names) have been translated from the Voxi, sometimes badly (especially in the case of The World). You have been warned.]

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Voxijan Missionaries Terrorize Neighboring Nations

April 14, 2019
Written by Ames Itxeverri.

Voxijan missionaries have become an epidemic in recent years. They mostly belong to the Voxijan Society of Missionaries, a group of radical Catholic missionaries. They mostly annoy households in other countries. They don't bother to proselytize in Voxija.

It is estimated that there are about 1000 missionaries operating in Australia. The missionaries have become infamous in Perth, to the point that the municipal authorities have begun issuing pamphlets on how to deal with missionaries.

"These missionaries come knocking on my door when I'm eating dinner and asking me about Jesus," says 43-year-old Australian housewife Ava Simpson. "These missionaries should just leave and get out of our country. Privacy." When asked about how she felt about Voxija, Ms. Simpson said. "Who the what now? I never heard about this 'Voksia' before the missionaries came, and I expect I'll never hear about it again."

People in other countries feel terrorized and annoyed by these missionaries. I felt I needed to investigate further, and get the missionaries' side of the story.

I visited the training center of the Voxijan Society of Missionaries. It was drab and the only thing hanging on the walls were Bible quotations. Only one missionary agreed to an interview.

"I serve the Holy Trinity!" says 20-year-old missionary Eneko Aixiz. "I need to convert these Protestant Australians and Muslim Indonesians to get them in heaven. Religion will improve their countries and these people's goddless lives."

Having the missionaries' view of things, I decided to ask the average Voxijan how they felt of the missionaries.

"I honestly hate them," says 32-year-old Vixenta Añigitz, a single mom from Xirroni. "I get their reasoning, but I care about other people's privacy. These missionaries don't have the right to invade people's lives. They will ruin Voxija's international reputation, if they haven't already." Ms. Añigitz then proceeded to spit into a potted plant.

I was surprised at how negatively received the missionaries were across the board.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

President Agirre Not Running for Second Term

May 1, 2019
Written by Txarles Udenea

In a recent press conference, Presdent Bixenta Agirre has declared that she will not be running for a second term as president.

"I will not run for president again. Being president for these three years has been by greatest experience. I fear that I will experience second-term slump, and my husband fears that I can't handle the stress of election campaigning," said President Agirre.

When asked if she wasn't running to avoid a Clintonesque scandal, President Agirre refused to comment.

President Agirre's legacy will be social progress and economic growth. One of Agirre's first acts as president was signing the bill that made same-sex marriage legal throughout Voxija. Under her policies, trade increased, and Voxija's importance as a trading center grew.

Several citizens were asked how they felt about President Agirre not campaigning for a second term. "I don't agree that she should leave," said Asier Viskerrat, a 56-year-old college professor. "However, I respect her decision to not run for office."

Tamon Herrijo, a 24-year-old office worker, had a different opinion about Agirre leaving. "Good riddance," said Herrijo. "Her policies may have been good in the short term, but if the Bixenta had stayed for a second term, her habits would have driven Voxija into the ground."

Eveda Kalderena, a 30-year-old greengrocer, rounded out the opinions. "Why isn't the Bixenta running again? She hasn't done much wrong yet. The only scandals were sexual. If she continued to be president, Agirre would still do good."

The Xirroni Journal is looking forward to an exciting election season, but not one as crazy as America's in 2016.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Voxija Holocaust Museum Opens in Genitxea

May 2, 2019
Written by Nerea Uzkandea

Crowds of people crowded Ider Street in Genitxea. Ider Street in Genitxea is known for history museums, and after the ribbon is cut, there will be one more. The first Holocaust museum in Voxija is receiving its first visitors today.

Roughly 900 people attended the opening ceremony. That is a higher estimate than what the curator thought, although thankfully enough chairs were scrounged up to accomodate all of the people. There was a significant police presence, to keep out neo-fascists who might attack the ceremony.

When the opening ceremony begun, the curator, Edna Iturraldea, made a speech. She thanked the contributors who donated the money to make the museum possible. Then she talked about the horrors of the Holocaust.

"The Jewish people experienced a loss that cannot be overstated. Even now, there are less Jewish people than before the Holocaust. It is right that in Hebrew the Holocaust is called the Shoah, or catastrophe. It is my hope that all Voxija walks the path of righteousness so that it never happens again."

After her speech about the Holocaust, Mrs. Iturraldea called up several more speakers, including the Mayor of Genitxea, the chief of Genitxea's police force, and several religious leaders.

When Edna Iturraldea cut the ribbon, there was much cheering among the audience.

Iturraldea gave a private interview after the opening. She expressed her wish to have the museum be a symbol of equality, unity, and, quoting the Voxijan motto, "Diversity and Tolerance".

"I didn't think the opening would be so successful," said Iturraldea. "It gives me hope that there is still some good in the world."

The Holocaust Museum attracted 100,000 visitors on its first day, a rarity for Voxijan museums.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Txala Enterprises Developing New Supermaterial

May 24, 2019
Written by Amata Jasso

Txala Enterprises has announced that their Research and Development branch has created a new plastic that is more durable than anything that came before.

"I predict that it will revolutionize an entire industry," says Elixana Vetxitz, director of the Research and Development divison. "This material-" Vetxitz paused and giggled. "We nicknamed the material Indartz. Well, Indartz needs some refining, but when it does, this material will possibly be used for military equipment, electronic devices, even windows to keep them from breaking."

Upon being asked if Txala was going to patent "Indartz" and not let any other company use the material for the foreseeable future, Vetxitz confirmed, "Well, yes, obviously. I mean, anything else would cut into Txala's profit margin."

I was invited to see the development process of refining Indartz. Scientists in lab coats scuttled all over the researching warehouse, taking selfies with everything in sight. I watched a demonstration where a car drove over Indartz, but the material shattered.

"We're still working out the kinks," said Ames Gebara, a junior scientist. "When Indartz works, it's gonna^[sic] be glorious."

And when it is finally developed, The Voxijan Chronicle will report on it.

[Voxija]

The World

Voxija's Strange Non-Dictatorial History

June 1, 2019
Emetzi Viskarret

There is a strange hole in Voxija's history. There have been no dictators taking power. I mean, Voxija is technically Latin (like the Philippines), and most Latin countries (and Spain itself) have or have had dictators in the past. Sure, there were autocratic leaders, but they were monarchs, like King Edrigu V. There have been no dictators since the fall of the monarchy. There were corrupt presidents, but no dictators like Stalin or Mao Zedong or Duterte.

Maybe Voxija should have had dictators. They would have been strong leaders to look up to, and the presidents could have taken advice from them and not be weak. The presidents are weak now. They should be stronger like dictators, and maybe take more stands to preserve moral decency.

Voxija is Basque Philippines, right? They had elected leaders that acted like dictators. If you elect Ganiz Orvan, the candidate I support, he would be strong, and lead Voxija to greatness!

Many Voxijans are unsatisfied with the current order. It is time to rise up and change it, for the good of Voxija. My glorious country won't survive. Voxija will be flooded with immigrants if a strong dictator-like leader doesn't do something.

Weak leaders, like that damn masculine Bixenta, don't do anything. Voxija needs someone to take the reins, please, before we all go down a spiral of liberal madness.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Political Parties Reveal Their Candidates

June 3, 2019
Vela Vetxitz

After hours of deliberation in smoke-filled rooms, the political parties of Voxija have chosen their candidates for the election. The campaign will begin three months later, on Republic Day, and end on December 3rd, when the new president will be elected. The reason the candidates are revealed to the public now is so they can deliberate and research and debate on who will make the best president.

In the upcoming months, each major candidate will take a semester of political science to inform them of what to do to gain voters. This course is optional, but history has proven that no one will vote for candidates who don't take political science. This custom was suggested in 1996 by President Sagastaloa. That is one of the things foreigners find the weirdest about our country.

Before perusing the list of major candidates, take note. There is a saying among Voxijans: "government attracts bad people". Therefore, they expect their candidates to be crud.

The list is from furthest left to furthest right.

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Name: Vidane Perurea.
Party: Green Party (GP)
Political position: Left to far-left.
Goals: She will decrease economic freedom and fund the sciences. Will disband the military completely. She believes in environmentalism. Legalize recreational marijuana.
Life: raised in a very right-wing area, and educated in a very right-wing school. Got radicalized in Xirroni University, and then her parents disowned her. And then she became a representative in the Legislative Body and she became famous. Is 34 years old, the youngest of the candidates.

Name: Zindelo Abaroa.
Party: Democratic Socialists (DS)
Political position: left.
Goals: Increase economic equality. Affirmative action for Roma people. Get rid of private schools. Get rid of conscription. Increase the size of the government while decreasing military spending. He doesn't really care about the environment.
Life: He is the first Romani (gypsy) presidential candidate of a major political party. He was raised left-wing and remains left-wing.

Name: Etor Gurraniz.
Party: Social Democrats.
Political position: Center-left.
Goals: To create more equality, economic and socially. Make the environment better. Raising the federal minimum wage. Steer Voxija in a better, less destructive direction.
Life: after President Agirre legalized gay marriage in 2016, Gurraniz gleefully married his boyfriend of 23 years, Ineko Ivarra. They were living in Xirroni, where gay marriage was already legal; they just refused to marry until homosexual marriage was legal throughout Voxija.

Name: Ikerne Ametzaga.
Party: Centrist Party.
Political position: Even she doesn't know.
Goals: the controversial policy called "tax the rich and eat the poor" by detractors. Basically, raise taxes and cut government spending. Continuing the status quo made by Bixenta Agirre.
Life: was the leader of the Centrist Party when Bixenta Agirre was president. Called a "mini-Agirre". Is from Vetxirrovo Province. Is 68 years old, the oldest of the candidates.

Name: Ximon Mikelena.
Party: Basque Origins Party.
Political position: center-right to right.
Goals: free trade. Increasing conscription time from one year in the army to three years. General conservatism.
Life: caused a diplomatic incident by referring to Great Britain's flag as an "ikurriña". Had a high approval rating as governor of Vetxirrovo Province.

Name: Erdutza Etxeverri.
Party: Conservative Party.
Political position: center-right to right. "Family values".
Goals: Make abortion illegal. Make it harder for gays to adopt, and make gay marriage illegal. Increase paid maternity leave from three weeks to three months. Shorten conscription time from one year to 6 months, and only have men be conscripted.
Life: She is a power mom. Her husband greatly supports her political campaigning. Was a feminist in the past, but she is now conservative. Erdutza says it's because she matured.

Ganiz Orvan.
Party: Nationalist Party.
Political position: Right to far right. Right-wing populism.
Goals: Make the economy better. Make gay marriage illegal again. Increase conscription from one year to three years. Isolationism. Decreasing the size of the government while increasing military spending.
Life: He is the leader of the Nationalist Party. There was a controversy because he remarked than his unborn son "might be named Ekaitz" (the first name of a Voxijan fascist). The controversy died out because Orvan eventually named his son Domiku.

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Of course, there are also going to be elections for positions in the Legislative Body (the name of Voxija's legislative body). The party with the most congresspeople is not necessarily the president's party.

Although there are many, many Voxijan political parties, there are usually only 5 or 6 or 7 with any sizeable percentage of politicians in the legislative body. So, it is colloquially called a five (or 6, or 7) party system.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Bank Robbery in Zelikanxoa

June 14, 2019
Written by Ames Itxeverri

The Edanea Bank on Ider Street in Zelikanxoa has been robbed. The robber is estimated to have taken 2540 kals worth of money.

"I—I—I was intimidated!" screams Gordon Jasso, a 56-year-old bank teller. "He pointed his gun at me—there are no guns here—and I had to give him the money! What could I do? If I refused, I'd have gotten shot!"

Eyewitness accounts say the robber was of average male height and wearing a balaclava, sunglasses, and gloves. The robber had padding stuffed down their shirt, so their gender couldn't be revealed.

"What an idiot," remarks police officer Kara Vitxitz. "He left his gun at the crime scene. Don't worry. The police will find out who the crook is and apprehend him in no time."

This reporter truly hopes so.

Zelikanxoa hadn't had a major bank robbery in some time, and citizens are reeling because they thought Zelikanxoa was very safe. The residents of Zelikanxoa don't usually experience much crime.

"I don't know if I can go out there," says Nara Harrijo, mother of three children. "I'm afraid to walk my kids to school, and I certainly can't go into a bank. If the culprit is caught, maybe I'll feel safer. Maybe."

No matter what happens, the Voxijan Chronicle will report on it.

[Voxija]

The World

Attack in Vetxirrovo City during Smash Evil Fairies Day

June 23, 2019
Written by Emetzi Viskarret

Yesterday, brave Viñak freedom fighters shot a group of mixed schoolchildren celebrating Smash Evil Fairies Day in Domiku Park in Vetxirrovo City. Viñak are the oppressed indigenous people of Voxija who must rise up and claim their rightful place as the dominant people of Voxija. Smash Evil Fairies Day is an important Viñak myth and tradition that was appropriated by the mixed Voxijan Basques.

I interviewed a couple of ordinary Viñak bystanders, but alas, they were brainwashed by the liberal media and the damn Vascos. I still offer a quote from Vurnila Hetxvan, an almost purely Viñak woman, to prove how horrible the brainwashing is.

"Those horrible terrorists are going to ruin Voxija's image if they strike again. I'm glad it only happened once. I, myself, am glad they're celebrating Viñak traditions and appreciating our common heritage. We are all Voxijans, you know."

This depth of indoctrination is truly horrible.

I snuck into the Society of Viñak Heritage, the freedom fighters in question, and an affiliated group with the Free Viñak Party. I interviewed their leader, Jamhalang Namaxan. He only talked to me in Old Viñak, but another freedom fighter interpreted it for me.

"Those school kids deserved it. They would become part of the system oppressing Viñaks today if they survived. Viñaks are superior to the impure in every way possible. In fact, why am I interviewing you? Your surname is Viskarret, which is very Spanish Basque."

My translator escorted me out quickly.

In conclusion, I urge my viewers to support the Society for Viñak Heritage, if not through money, than by not reporting them. Their methods may be a bit extreme, but they are the only group doing what's needed to be done. Except for the Free Viñak Party, but they're communist.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Should the World be Shut Down?

Written by Uftzi Harrijo
June 24, 2019

The World, a far right website, has been advocating terrorism. In their recent article about the horrible Domiku park massacre, they wrote, and I quote, "Their methods may be a bit extreme, but they're the only group doing what's needed to be done".

This hasn't started now. The World has been posting articles and listicles supporting fascism and denouncing anything but the authoritarian right ever since it was founded. President Agirre or her government hasn't made a move against the evil news website because of free speech and freedom of the press. But some are wondering if the freedom has gone too far.

As Nara Gurraniz, the mother of one of the children killed, told me, "This terrible thing happened and the writers up at the World are commemorating it and acting like it's a good thing and my baby DIED! Shut down that awful website now!"

I decided to interview Emetzi Viskarret, the owner and main writer of the World. Get his perspective.

"No! No! No! I will be allowed to continue writing the truth! It's free speech! I heartily deny that any part of my articles advocate terrorism in any shape or form!"

After I showed Viskarret the offending quotes, he remarked, "Get your liberal *ss out of my office!"

Freedom of speech shouldn't cover inciting violence, and supporting terrorism, which is what the World has been doing, is inciting violence.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Bank Robber Caught

August 1, 2019
Ganiz Vetxvan

The bank robber who'd robbed Ider Bank in Zelikanxoa has been caught. His name was Ukan Agirre.

The police caught him by analyzing the fingerprints on his gun from prior loading before the robbery.

He was tried and found guilty. Agirre has been sentenced to ten years in prison and fined 2500 kals.

Zelikanxoa breathes safely again.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Election Campaigning Officially Begins!

Written by Kara Santxitz
September 7, 2019

Every September the 7th, Voxijans celebrate the adopting of its constitution and the abolition of the monarchy on Republic Day. This year, and in fact every election year, the election officially began on Republic Day. The presidential candidates spoke live in Xirroni Square. Many Voxijans will come, or they watched the event on TV.

This year, it is the hundredth anniversary of the first election, making it very special.

The president, whoever it may turn out to be, will be elected in December. The leader of the Legislative Body, the Great Speaker, will be elected at the same time.

Ikerne Ametzaga, the Centrist Party candidate, is often called a "mini-Agirre". Her unpopular "tax the rich and eat the poor" policy has gained her many detractors. Her speech was not well-received.

Etor Gurraniz seems to be a more solid choice. As the Social Democratic candidate, his policies are center-left. However, Gurraniz has attracted some controversy among the "family values" crowd for his marriage to Ineko Ivarra.

Zindelo Abaroa is more extreme. Abaroa is the first Romani presidential candidate of a major political party, the Democratic Socialists in his case. He aims to "make the economy soar from powerhouse to frightening!" His ways to achieve that promise are decreasing the wealth gap and regulating industry.

On the other side of the economic freedom index is Ximon Mikelena. As a member of the conservative Basque Origins Party, Mikelena's goal is free trade. Mikelena's infamous for calling Great Britain's flag an ikurriña, but his fans have gotten over that.

A more controversial right-wing candidate is Ganiz Orvan. Orvan is the candidate for the Nationalist Party, a party that is often called fascist. Orvan has denied that he is anything close to fascist, but you never know with a politician as isolationist as Orvan.

A possible dark horse candidate is Erdutza Etxeverri. She is the candidate for the Conservative Party, and she believes in family values. Etxeverri is a power mom, and her family greatly supports her political campaigning. She was a feminist in the past, but in Erdutza's own opinion, she "matured".

That's the line-up for the most important candidates who will likely receive the biggest percentage of the votes.

[Voxija]

Xirroni Journal

Green Party Harboring Ecoterrorists

September 19, 2019
Written by Klara Videgaina

After a great investigation, made by political watchdog Citizens for Truth, the Green Party was discovered to be harboring some of the senior members of the ecoterrorist group Anything for Earth.

After an Alpha Forces raid on the main base of Anything for Earth, some of the senior members weren't found or apprehended. They were found in Green Party areas.

The group was best known for vandalism and destroying machinery, but Citizens for Truth has obtained evidence that Tirgane Zubionda, a member of Anything for Earth, might have murdered Txala Enterprises executive Kara Agavuru. The trial will take place on October 8th.

Members of the Green Party were found to be hiding these evil people in their homes or land that the Green Party owns, such as campaign bases. Eneko Larregi, the leader of Anything for Earth, was ratted on by a former Green Party member as hiding in the basement of a campaign headquarters in Sirranao.

The Green Party had bribed police to look the other way when searching for these criminals.

Vidane Perurea, the former Green Party candidate, has dropped out of the election. She remarked in an interview, "This might seem selfish, but I don't want to associate myself with a party this corrupt. But changing parties would make me a 'Txelat' and a pariah, so I guess I just dropped out of the election."

The Green Party's influence will most likely drop in politics.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Comedian Enters Election

September 26, 2019
Written by Vela Vetxitz

In a surprising move, comedian Ekard Etxea has announced that he will be joining the election for president.

"I joke about a lot of things, but I am not joking now," said Etxea in a recent press conference. "Hey, it worked for Zelensky, didn't it?" Etxea refused to comment further.

"He's funny," remarked 43-year-old Txala executive Arnold Amarasekara. "But I wouldn't trust him to redecorate my bedroom, let alone run the country. I don't think he'd win, but who knows, right?"

Ekard Etxea is running as a candidate of the Pirate Party, similar to Hades Sagastaloa, who ran, as a joke, as a candidate for the same party and won. It is theorized that Etxea is attempting to repeat Sagastaloa's success.

Etxea runs on a platform of "free popcorn for all" and "the inalienable right to party". He also supports the general Pirate Party platform of loser copyright laws.

Joining the election so late is very odd. "I don't know how that comic can possibly expect to win," says political analyst Koldo Jasso.

Well, The Xirroni Journal will be here to report on it, whatever happens.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Indartz: All You Need to Know

October 13, 2019
Written by Amata Jasso

Indartz is the purported miracle chemical compound that has been produced and trademarked by Txala Enterprises. At a recent scientific conference, the director of Txala's research department revealed Txala will be using Indartz in many products, starting next month.

"Our self-lighting lamps, TV remotes, the self-driving cars we're working on—all will have at least some Indartz components. It's durable, stable, and long-lasting. I see a great future for Indartz."

Indeed, the plastic compound will have an amazing future. Our intrepid reporters discovered the arrest of three corporate spies from Facebook trying to discover the secrets of Indartz. In the wake of the arrest, Txala Enterprises has banned any prospective applicant who previously had a job at any IT company from working at Txala, and fired any present employee suspected of espionage. To quote Koldon Ibarra, these are dirty tactics, but damn are they effective.

Indartz was trademarked by Txala Enterprises. This newspaper has the permission to use the name. Txala Enterprises has the sole copyright on the material for twenty years. At the end of that time, any company can use the material. Representatives of Txala got with the patent offices in Voxija, America, Britain, and Germany and got patents for Indartz in all those countries.

"Indartz has been developed and refined," said the director of Txala's research department. "We are done."

It is rumored that Txala Enterprises has been passing little "gifts" of their own made from Indartz to individuals and organizations that helped with development. The Voxija Chronicle neither confirms nor denies this rumor.

[Voxija]

The World

Mugging in Bilvao

Written by Emetzi Viskarret
October 20, 2019

On October 18, a man named Eneko Zubionda mugged 48-year-old Edna Setxvan on Gebara Street in Bilvao. He was spotted running away from the crime scene and proven guilty on trial.

The investigative reporters of the World (just me) have investigated Eneko's background, which might be important in analyzing the crime. I have found out that Eneko is three quarters European.

Eneko, along with many other criminals in Voxija, has more European ancestry than the average. I first noticed this trend during the bank robberies in Zelikanxoa. I think that the prevalence of European ancestry among criminals and instances of crimes are correlated.

I am not racist, I just care about people's behavior, and European Basques are less well behaved and commit more crimes than other Voxijans living in the same areas. Some may call this a generalization, but in my experience, it's true. It's not that Europeans are inferior, but they behave like they're inferior. If someone if inferior, he knows it, and behaves so to prove he's inferior.

Something must be done, but criminality among Old World Basques and other Europeans is insane. Ethnic cleansing might be the best option.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Genitxea Debates Ends with Shoes Thrown

October 27, 2019
Written by Juna Agirre

Yesterday was the Genitxea Debate, the most important debate of any presidential election. It is always held within Genitxea City Hall, and this one was no exception. What was an exception, however, was how the debate ended.

I was at the debate, interviewing the candidates as part of my job.

The debate started normally. When right-wing candidate Ximon Mikelena was asked what his campaign promises were, he said "Making freedom free!"

"And how are you going to do that?"

"By lowering income taxes."

I moved on to Erdutza Etxeverri. "Ms. Etxeverri..." "It's Mrs., actually."

"Ah. What do you plan to achieve when you're elected?"

"First off, I'll fix the problem."

"How do you plan to do that?"

"First off, I'll increase the age of consent! Eighteen-year-olds flirting with fourteen-year-olds are part of the problem."

It went on like that until the first shoe was thrown. Ekard Etxea had demanded to be represented at the debate. In the interest of fairness, the proper authorities granted it to him. It was when Etxea said, "Y'all are baboons! When I'm elected, I'll grant everyone free pie!" when the controversial candidate Ganiz Orvan took off his shoe and threw it at Etxea. Etxea responded by doing a backflip, taking both his shoes off, and throwing them at the nearest candidates, which happened to be Etor Gurraniz and Ikerne Ametzaga. A full-blown shoe fight broke out.

Since it was close to the end of the Genitxea Debate anyway, it was decided to end it right there. All parties concerned went home, worried about how this event will make Voxija look on the international stage.

Apparently, the shoe-throwing event has become a viral meme.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Angry Mob Riots After Zombie Apocalypse

November 3, 2019
Written by Ames Itxeverri

In October, Txala researchers tried to develop a cure for cancer but accidentally created a zombie virus. Voxijans handled the apocalypse very well, all things considered. Being an island helped a lot, because zombies can't swim.

Thankfully, businesses, corporations, and the government developed a cure quickly and rid Voxija of zombies within a week. However, Voxijans still haven't recovered from some of the more personal aspects of the zombie apocalypse.

In Xirroni, an angry mob riots in the streets. They complain about how the goverment should have intervened earlier, among other things. I'm here at the site of the angry mob, reporting on their motives and analyzing their causes.

In the zombie apocalypse, the citizens got to work killing zombies. They didn't know that the government was working on a cure. This caused untold hardship for some people.

"My brother died!" yells 43-year-old Nara Etxarea. "My crazy Libertarian Party neighbor shot Txanton and killed him! Txanton could have been cured!"

Other people wished no one had intervened, and that they could've enjoyed the apocalypse and killing zombies. Most of these people are honestly crazy survivalists.

"You see, newspaper guy," said 25-year-old Venat Avaroa, member of the VRA, "It would be so cool holed up in my house, battling zombies, being the last man alive. I'd finally get a chance to use my big guns."

These people are definitely a minority, but every voice deserves to be heard. Even the voice of those Voxijans who wished to embrace the zombies.

"Call me a lunatic if you wish," says 38-year-old Klara Avax, who is covered head to toe in zombie-themed clothing. "I prefer to call myself a zombie advocate. I mean, if we had focused on adapting the zombie virus instead of finding a cure for it, Voxijans could be immortal."

Avax then proceeded to sing the American song "Immortals".

Of course, a recent poll by Jasso Research Center says that as many of 90% of Voxijans are happy with how the zombie apocalypse was handled. Considering the devastation caused by zombie apocalypses in books and movies, Voxija really dodged a bullet.

[Voxija]

The News

Candidate Mikelena had Relations with a 17-Year-Old!

November 9, 2019
Written by Ander Ivarra

Ximon Mikelena, the presidential candidate for the conservative Basque Origins Party, has been accused of intercourse with a seventeen-year-old. Eneko Effeja, scholarship student at Xirroni University and another seventeen-year-old, says, "I hope he isn't guilty. I wanted to vote for him. But if he is guilty, it might lead to the lowering of Voxija's age of consent. I won't like that."

In an interview with journalists from The Xirroni Journal, Mikelena insisted that he, "Did not do anything of the sort with her! I entered her house, but that was on a campaign mission! Since I can't reach the youth, I must reach the youth's parents."

When the journalists asked Mikelena if (to paraphrase) he "reached" for anything else, Mikelena promptly ended the interview.

Duh! He did it! But how will Mikelena ride the storm? One political scientist, Bolt Agirre, theorizes that "It might increase his popularity... male voters will relate to him... it will make him popular with young males who would remember their high school years and older voters who only care about [Mikelena's] policies." Just know that we at the News do not condone any sort of pedophilia.

We interviewed the seventeen-year-old's, Elixane Emetzaga's parents, and they seem to agree with us. "How could that evil man put himself near our daughter?" asks her mother. "I decided to trust that politician and let him enter our home. I mean, he was a politician and not some creepy dude. Our little Eli was violated!"

At that moment, the victim walked in. "Yeah, I had sexual relations with that man," said Elixane Emetzaga. "And I liked it!" Her mother shooed her out of the room, remarking that we were going to print anything they say.

Remarks: this will affect Ximon Mikelena's poll numbers. The good people of Voxija aren't completely apathetic yet. We at the News will see what happens at the trial on November 13th.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

"The News" Declared Least Biased News Source

November 15, 2019
Written by Ganiz Vetxvan

This is a surprise. In a study done by Jasso Research Center, celebrity gossip website "The News" was declared the least biased Voxijan news source, scoring a good -0.1 on the centrality index developed by Jasso Research Center (the Xirroni Journal is -32 and The World is 99.9). That means "The News" is centrist politically, rather than leaning too much to the right or left.

This is probably because Voxijan news sources have suffered from an affliction like American news sources: partisanship. News sources have decided to support one political position or candidate to attract a bigger or more stable set of readers, rather than maintain integrity and actually write the news. So, politics over honesty. Since writers of "The News" wish to write the most delicious scoops possible, they are willing to dig up dirt on both right and left wing politicians.

Of course, not being biased doesn't mean a news source is good, because other Voxijan newspapers report more frequently on more events. "The News" is very sporadic, reporting whatever its reporters wish to cover.

"The News" has also been declared very accurate, since the staff of "The News" wish to uncover all the juiciest news they can find, rather than maintain an interviewee's privacy. Their reporters will often report information that, in America, would lead to them getting sued. In a nutshell, "The News" can be an intruding jerk, but an intruding jerk with true data. "The News" has not failed a fact check in the last ten years. "The News", if you exclude sources like "The National Enquirer", as not failed a fact check in five years.

Although "The News" seems superficially to be a good news source, let us remember that "The News" did start life as a tabloid, and it is still somewhat tabloid-y. They write as many articles about, say, cats stuck in trees as they do about important political events.

This article was about "The News" as a political news source. Your best bet for business news as a Voxijan is still the Voxijan Chronicle.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Nationalist Party Rumored to be Harboring Neo-Fascists

November 23, 2019
Written by Klara Videgaina

Some say that the Nationalist Party has been hosting Neo-Fascists who say they have left fascism, but still secretly hold on to their beliefs. Others say that is bunk. We will be examining both sides of the view.

Ganiz Orvan, the Nationalist candidate for president, denies that his party has Neo-Fascists. In a recent interview, Orvan asserted that, "Sure, my party has let former fascists to join. Those were former fascists. They aren't fascists anymore. To put it simply, they have rejected their former beliefs."

As Orvan asserts, several politicians who were in extremist circles such as the Extremist Party have left their old parties and circles to join the Nationalist Party. What we are here to find out is, have they truly abandoned their former fascism? Suspicious of that, this intrepid reporter asked one of these former fascists about her beliefs.

"I'm not a fascist!" insists Katalina Perurea, former member of the Extremist Party and the sister of Vidane Perurea, the former Green Party candidate. "I gave up that a long time ago. I like Viñaks, I like Jews..." Katalina Perurea began listing all of the ethnic groups she liked.

"Of course, I think that illegal immigrants should be thrown out of Voxija," continued Perurea, "And that most immigrants should be from Europe or Australasia. But does that make me a fascist? No."

This reporter also interviewed Uftzi Etxeberria, who left the Nationalist Party because of growing political differences.

"Yeah, that's why I left," says Etxeberria. "There were too many politicians who I thought were too close to fascism. There are still fascists there. That I know."

When asked if he thought the politicians who had left Neo-Fascist bodies and joined the Nationalist Party, Etxeberria said no. "Seriously? If they had left a fascist party party, they obviously aren't fascist anymore. But the Nationalist Party is just a bit less extreme than some fascists out there. You can't be sure."

Whether there are closet fascists in the Nationalist Party or not, all Voxijans should be on the lookout for Neo-Fascists. Be aware. Prevent your friends, families, and local representatives from falling into the seductive trap that is fascism. It has happened to some former Western liberal democracies. Beware.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Etor Gurraniz Elected President!!

December 4, 2019
Written by Xirroni Journal Staff

The election is over, and now Etor Gurraniz, the Social Democratic candidate, was elected president!

43% of Voxijans voted for this man. Considering that there were six other candidates who each posed a good threat, this is an amazing achievement.

Gurraniz had majorities in West Voxija and the Voxijan Capital Province. The province that had the lowest percentage of votes for Gurraniz was North Voxija, where only 11% of votes went to Gurraniz.

"I can't believe it!" said Etor Gurraniz in an interview in his private residence. "I won!" He then proceeded to kiss his husband, Ineko Ivarra, in ecstasy. Etor Gurraniz, when he is inaugurated, will be Voxija's first homosexual president.

"When I am officially sworn in, I will accomplish my goals as president," said Gurraniz. Those goals include increasing foreign aid, cracking down on illegal drugs, a more progressive tax rate, and helping poor people by giving them more welfare.

Agirre ended her presidency on a high note. We hope that Gurraniz continues this period of prosperity with good governmental decisions and not too many tax increases.

"Me, it is awesome that my husband is president!" said Ineko Ivarra. "You know what they say, behind every great president is a great spouse, huh?" Gurraniz then giggled and ended the interview.

Here in the Xirroni Journal, we search for everyone's viewpoint. First, of course, comes the approving viewpoint.

"Wow! I'm being interviewed again!" says Eneko Effeja, an eighteen-year-old college student who's become mildly famous for his YouTube Channel and being the first Voxijan to win Jeopardy!. "I think that Etor will make a great president. His ideology agrees with me. Anyway, most of the candidates were crud, but I expected that. Etor wasn't crud. I'm glad that my birthday was right before election day."

In contrast, Jahamalang Vetxitz, mayor of Vetxirrovo City and avowed conservative says, "I don't trust Gurraniz's socialistic economic policies. Agirre raised taxes that are sucking my bank account dry, and so will Gurraniz. Also, Gurraniz pandered to the gay base, not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I'm just afraid that he will decrease the rights of straight people to make room for the homosexuals. I'm not homophobic, I say! My son is gay and that's okay."

No matter what will happen in the next three years, it is for sure that Voxija is still a democracy. It was the people's will that Etor Gurraniz would be president, and this elction proves that democracy is not in danger.

[Voxija]

The Xirroni Journal

Legislative Body Election Ends

Xirroni Journal Staff
December 7, 2019

This was the election to fill the seats of the Legislative Body. It was at the same time as the presidential election, but less important. It ended, and there are now new Legislators in the Legislative Body.

The new Great Speaker is Errando Valedi. He is a Conservative Party man, but he can be quite left on economic issues. Our analysts predict drama with the Social Democratic president.

The Legislative Body still has 550 seats, but a differing percentage of the political parties has occupied those seats.

The Nationalist Party rose from from 5% to 9% of the seats in the Legislative Body, in an alarming trend. Some worry about whether this is the beginning of fascism.

Centrist Party seats fell from 25% to 20%, probably due to the unpopularity of their candidate.

Social Democrats rose from 23% to 28% of the seats, making them the most popular party in the Legislative Body. So now Etor Gurraniz will be leading a majority government.

Democratic Socialists shrunk a bit, Conservative Party grew a bit, Green Party shrunk a bit, and Basque Origins Party shrunk a lot. An oddity is that the Green Party, which had 3% of seats, now has no seats. The Libertarian Party, who had no seats, now has one seat.

Unlike for the president, these legislative changes go into effect immediately. That means for most of December, Bixenta Agirre will be dealing with the new Legislative Body.

In general, this is a more extremist Legislative Body than the last one, with more opposition politics and less centrism.

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Group of Voxijan Pirates Claim to be Communists

Written by Rikard Jaso
December 10, 2019

Arr! Although Voxija is well known for combating pirates on the high seas, some Voxijans have sadly gotten into the pirating business as well. Instances of Voxijans becoming sea pirates have escalated during and after the zombie apocalypse, since some Voxijans fled the zombies by escaping to the seas and then realized they did not take their money.

A certain band of pirates have been causing some trouble. Led by Ekard Vidanea, brother of economist Kara Vidanea, these pirates having been raiding business ships off the coasts of western Voxija. They think they're communists. That is strange, since pirating is usually a great tradition of arch-capitalists.

Our readers might like to know their ideology. An exclusive interview with Ekard Vidanea is contained in these pages.

RJ: So, you call yourselves sea communists. How do you justify that reckoning?

EV: We are anarcho-communists. We loot capitalist ships, and then we distribute the booty to the workers, aye.

RJ: If you distribute booty to the workers, why can't half of Xirroni afford a private school education?

EV: We, uh... us pirates count as workers! Yes, we are the workers, aye.

RJ: So, only you get the money.

EV: Uh, yeah... I guess so.

Vidanea ended the interview here.

Our conclusion is that these pirates are just phonies. Arr!

[Voxija]

The Voxijan Chronicle

Voxija Ranked "Very High" on Women's Rights Survey

December 18, 2019
Written by Amata Jasso

On an international survey on women's rights conducted by Saranidia, Voxija gained an amazing "very high" placement. This is an amazing achievement, especially when so many nations are, for example, denying women the right to abort fetuses, or, on the flip side, aborting babies simply because they are female.

Bixenta Agirre, the ex-president and also the first female president of Voxija says that it's her doing. "I implemented many of the reforms the survey considered. If Voxija had been surveyed under any of my predecessors, it would have gotten a lower score."

Even though Voxija ranks highly on the scale, I would like to question some of the methodology of the survey. For example, it seems like greater weight is given to chivalry than it deserves. It also checks for the percentage of women in senior, privileged, historically male-dominated positions. The methodology on this section is good, only the survey needs to add more jobs, such as construction or janitorial work, to truly measure gender equality.

Despite my grievances, it is truly a triumph for Voxija to be declared so good at women's rights.