World Cup 83 - Roleplay Thread

[Tinhampton]

OOC: This Table of Contents will be periodically updated for historical reference purposes ;P

THIS BOOK SHOULDN'T EXIST
TABLE OF (MAL)CONTENTS:
Part 1
Chapter 1: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII (a summary of Forays of Folly)
Chapter 2: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI (around the election and WC82 hopes)
Chapter 3: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X (George Nell and the TinChannel)

Part 2
Chapter 1: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII (a new war on waste)
Chapter 2: I, II, III, IV, V, VI (the 2019 Budget and "peak polarisation")
Chapter 3: I, II, III? (what now?)

Annex: The Turorian Job
I, II (Two lads. One city. An imperial crapton of cocoabos.)

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THIS BOOK SHOULDN'T EXIST
(C) Lydia Gould and Abdulrahman Haddad 2019
Part 1, Chapter 1 - The Historical Literature

I
There is one particularly infamous recent episode of that ad hoc mini-sketch show, Variations on a Theme, concerning the state of Tinhamptonian football in the wake of their dismal collapse against Zwangzug at the 82nd Cup of Harmony:

MARTIN: "Good time of day---I mean four minutes to twenty-two o'clock, I'm Martin King and this is Variations on a Theme: the show where the spurriest connection wins. For this special and historic 15,584th episode, our contestants tonight are John..."
JOHN: "Hello there."
MARTIN: "...and Steve."
STEVE: "Hello."
MARTIN: "So, let us commence play. Your starting word is... ANNIHILATION."
JOHN: "Reparations."
MARTIN: "Zero points."
STEVE: "Mytanija."
MARTIN: "Five hundred and thirty-one points."
JOHN: "Dismality."
MARTIN: "Ninety-three points."
STEVE: "Unnatural."
MARTIN: "Fourteen points."
JOHN: "Lydia Anderson's trousers...?"
MARTIN: "Seventy points."
STEVE: "WANKERS!"
MARTIN: "Four hundred and three points."
JOHN: "Arsewankers."
MARTIN: "Twenty-six points."
STEVE: "Clods."
MARTIN: "Negative five points..."
JOHN: "Tinhamptonian football." (BEEP!)
MARTIN: "Commiserations on winning tonight's round of Variations on a Theme, John, and winning a free whoopee cushion worth $3. Congratulations to Steve on being pipped to the post, well done to both of you on barring yourself from all other game shows for a year, and we'll see you on the Tinhamptonian Broadcasting Service this time on Thursday. As I've said, see you marvellous people there and then, will you?"

But how, exactly, should such a Cinderella story - at the time a fully-amateur side triumphant in the 73rd Cup on that glorious night in Canterlot against a widely-fancied Juvencus side, watched by eighty thousand people on the TV at midnight on a Friday - be turned into cinder blocks so quickly? To that, we must look towards the claims made by Tinhampton's early-90s Foreign Minister, Euan Barnes, in the wake of the Canary Mall terror attack:

But what, exactly, does it mean to say "I am a Tinhamptonian?" There are some people who were born here, have spent their whole lives here, that have such great contempt for this city that they cannot possibly say it with any sense of accuracy; others who are so incredibly dedicated to upholding the democratic process and the associated liberty it brings to much of sapience that they are spiritually resident in the city - despite never even having heard of it.

Perhaps both viewpoints are correct: The Miners are getting worse and worse every single day on the field, but there must surely be some off-field controversy or scandals that have embroiled it in extreme fiscal and mental concern - as indeed there is. This is a book about how Tinhamptonian football has been forced to its knees in pursuit of enriching our enemies: how it has surrendered itself inadvertently to the whims of foreign dictators and domestic embezzlers, scurried its way into politics as revenge, and how everybody in Tinhampton has walked away extremely disappointed... even if they don't like us that much.
Can it possibly be denied that Tinhamptonian football is getting worse? Judging from the seventy-fourth Cup of Harmony, it would appear not: had it not been for defensive muddles on either end of the pitch, Priscilla Evans would have sent us to our first two World Cups; and yet her own last-ditch heroics against the Krytenians helped get us off to one of the best and most Tinhamptonian starts we could imagine. The repeated penalty shootout eliminations (where, of course, Evans played the villainess twice) were followed by the dismal - yet somehow epic - penalty shootout against Jeruselem, which led to our one and only major trophy. This was followed by sloppiness that the once all-encompassing Big Butty burger chain could only have dreamed of, making way for the stomping at the hands of unfancied Walenstein, before we inflicted our own torture upon Mytanija, five goals to one for only the second time in history. God has evidently not filed for a new passport in the last two years.
Yet behind all this, there has always been a simmering discontent: Harta-Yunal Den can only call themselves Tinhampton's first foreign manager since Chris Richard and company pointed a metaphorical gun towards Rachel Coltfield's head, forcing her to admit that "I know we're shit" and leaving the door wide open for the Qusmi. Tinhampton's national representatives now get paid for their work, even if the wage is at the slightly less measly level of fifteen thousand dollars per annum, professionals in name and spirit but certainly not in their heads. Why are they not earning - or, with the old-time striker's exception, playing - more? How have we, in the board room and the boot room, been performing at a so much more inferior level compared to how we express ourselves on the pitch, if that is the right word? To find out why, one must take a brief holiday to Gasworks Road.

[Main Nation Ministry]

Hearts of Ash

Chapter 1: And Now...Breakfast

If you hadn't guessed already, Charlie is my girlfriend. We met under some circumstances, then both of us were just trying to do our separate jobs, even though it was technically me who hired her. Then, there was that one time where I straight up looked like a dumbass by going on some rant. I forgot what I actually said. But Gerald did told me that I mentioned Charlie. Then I gave her the talk and she seemed interested. It started innocent, enough. Until we started to take it up a notch. Well, I can't really address the specifics, but we uhh..

Uhmmm..!

No, we didn't have sex! We just messed around!

Ok.. On the bed! But we were just playing it safe!

Now, I think we should start the day after this happened, since it's the start where things were going a bit south.

Jessica woke up in her bedroom, after the events of last night. With a soft yawn, she kept somewhat energetic. It was peaceful, though she couldn't really process what happened last night. Until, she noticed her body was a bit heavier than before. "Wait.." Jessica said to remember some things, where she realized she was being chest-to-chest with someone. "Wait, where's my bra?" Jessica thought, as she started to hear the mutters of Charlie, who Jessica realized was in bed with her. Both were practically wrapped around each other, where Jessica tried to break free, without disturbing Charlie since she was still sleeping. "Uhhh..Jessica?" Charlie started to wake up, as Jessica picked up her bra from the side of the bed.

"Didn't mean to wake you. How you sleep?" Jessica said, starting to put on her bra.
"I slept well. I still feel refreshed from last night."
"That was only kissing and what not. You hadn't experienced the full thing." Jessica explained to Charlie, as Charlie kept the bed covers to her chest. "I don't even know, if we can do...you know."

"Relax, we're not doing it after our exercise. It was your idea, plus I think we should do it during a special occasion." Jessica offered to Charlie, as she found her bra and tossed it to Charlie. "I don't think I mentioned it, but...well.." Charlie looked like she was starting to become nervous. "You don't have to explain it to me now. Come on. I make you some coffee and breakfast." Jessica said to Charlie, as she went downstairs. After the two of them put their clothes back on and went downstairs, Jessica got the coffee maker working, while Charlie was getting the hot sauce ready. "You just like to have that stuff in everything, don't you?" Jessica asked. "It soothes me."

"So I was thinking about doing another song, since I have the energy again. Maybe I can create another album. And plus we don't have to worry about anymore bullshit harassing us." Jessica said to Charlie, remembering what had happened during WorldVision 74. "To be fair, Sasher was being such as a bitch. Wasn't surprised that the Leader just toss her over the border." Charlie said, not afraid to shed some harsh thoughts about Sasher. "I was this close to punching that mean girl face of hers off. Thank god, Gerald was there to calm me the he- Ahem. Heck down."
"What do you plan for a song?"
"Well, it's going to be the same as my other songs. I can tease it as a single for the album, then I can work it up from there."

There was a knock at the door, as Jessica grabbed two cups of coffee, giving one to Charlie, before heading to the door to answer it. Outside of the door was Gerald, who had a cake shaped like a soccer ball in his hands. "Gerald? What is that for?" Jessica asked him. "Jessica? Didn't you hear the news? We're having another World Cup." Gerald answered plainly. "And we can't do Tony's place because..?" Jessica asked, until she turned around and saw the television behind her. To be fair, it was a large TV that Jessica saved up tons of chips from her own time. "Ah, I see."

"Don't worry, we're doing the party tomorrow."
"Alright, get in here and put in the fridge." Jessica said, letting Gerald in the house, where he saw Charlie drinking her hot sauce filled coffee. "You two been enjoying yourselves?" Gerald asked.
"No!" both girls immediately said in unison, then looked at each other in embarrassment.

[Mercedini]

OFFICIAL MERCEDINIAN WORLD CUP ANTHEM
Leanne Cantrelli ft. Santo Davide Gospel Choir - "Flying Through The Air"
Tune: Elaine Martins - "Santificação"
Music: L. Cantrelli • Lyrics: L. Cantrelli, D. Opsov

The performance starts off with a dark stage with the performers standing in the centre of the stage, surrounded on both sides by the orchestra who are situated in the pits below them, only spotlights behind them illuminate to show their silhouettes but not yet showing their faces. Leanne is wearing a colourful top, black leggings and a pair of white stilettos. She is standing in front of a large choir who are tiered in three rows on an extra stand at the black of the stage. They are all wearing their black religious gowns with the conductor with his back to the audience with the same gown but with a white vicar's dog collar. The LED screen behind them displays a starry night with streaks of rain flying past the screen. The intro begins and flashes of lightning lights up the stage when in time with the intense parts of the music before the music comes back into life, and at that point the stage lights up in a baby blue before Leanna lifts the microphone up to her mouth to sing the opening of the song.

(Can you hear my call?)
Can you hear my call?
(Can you hear my call?)
Can you hear my call?!

Leanne planted her feet firmly on the ground to sing the first verse of the song. She looked into the central camera and sung with passion and power as she forces out the big notes from within her. The thunder begins to light up the screen behind her, the strobing also gives the impression that the thunder is effecting the arena aswell. The camera moves to the drummers and guitarists in the orchestras who are frantically banging their drums and rocking on their guitars in time with the music. The choir are swinging their arms and clicking their fingers in time with the music. The camera zooms out before moving onto the next verse.

At the start of my life, I was like everyone else
Slowly working on my own space
But then, I took all control
The only way is up

The LED floor which used to display a concrete floor then cracks and falls apart save for one piece that Leanne is standing on while the other parts fall away and is replaced by shooting stars flying past where she is standing (which gives the impression that she is flying forward towards something), which the camera gets a full glimpse of. The wind machine is turned on and blows the clothing of Leanne and the rest of the choir behind her. The thunder on the screen and the strobing on the stage begins to get more intense as the song gets more intense. Leanne give pained looks as she continues to sing notes of her song.

And then the ground tremored at my feet
You could hear a million miles away from here
The greatest prophecy that you've ever known
Will I come down again? Baby, no one knows

Both the choir and Leanne both begin to sway and click their fingers in sync with the music as the camera flies forward from an elevated position towards the stage. Leanne points to the sky before looking back into the sky and singing her meaningful words towards into the camera and at the people at home. The orchestra continues to play their instruments, which the camera catches a few glimpses of before switching back to the central camera in the arena.

Soaring through the clouds, through the thunder, and the lightning
Soaring at the speed, the speed even light can't do
I'm free from all worries. Baby, that's for certain
You can try but there's no way that I will stop

The sun rises on the LED screen which replaces the starry night with a cloudy day with clouds flying past intermittently, the LED floor that the performers are standing on also changes to a cloudy day which matches the screen and the floor together. Leanne continues to sing as the song continues to build up. Just before the chorus, the lights flash in time with the chimes of the song before entering the chourus

And even when the ground seems so far
Even when my body seems to reach the highest star
You cannot deny that like the birds in the sky
They fly free. Igniting a fire that no one can comprehend

Even when my body flies up to the highest high
Even when I see the whole wide world from my two eyes
I stay grounded as we're all one from the same creed
I don't think there's anything in the world that can stop me.

The choir continues to sway but both the choir and Leanne spread their arms out wide for the chorus, signifying themselves fly through the air (matching the title of the song). The lights on the stage light up and wander rather aimlessly around the arena, emitting from the stage and lighting up the audience. The wind machine gets turned up a notch which blows the hair of Leanne more than before. She has a determined look on her face and offers her hand to the camera as the chorus progresses.

Soaring through the sky
Seeing the whole world from here
Can you here my call?
Calling from the clouds above

Soaring through the sky
Can you see me down there?
We're going up, don't look down
We're flying through the air

After the chorus has finished, Leanne walks forward to the very edge of the stage and speaks to the crowd directly (and the viewers at home in the process) before reverting back to the song she is singing. The lights subside so only the light from the LED screen and the spotlight above her are illuminating the stage and the artists on it. She looks to the sky a couple more times before reverting back to the cameras in the arena. The people at home can see the entire arena from the back as the camera moves along the back of the arena, showing the waving flags and the stage in a wide shot.

I say to call of you. Can you here my call?
And maybe we can make this world better for all!

We will always try our best
No matter how hard it gets
Fight to provide for your needs, and they will hear you call

She does the same thing again, but this time the camera is split between the central camera and a close up of her face faded in as she sings the song. As she sings the final verse before another chorus, the lights begin to flash once again as the song build up to a crescendo. For the final line, the strobe lights flicker on and off before the song bursts into life for the chorus

Just fight for what you need, and injustice will be rid
You'll find your elevation, that drives too many insane

You can fight to be the greatest, have the whole world in your palm.
Will you work to get it? The conundrum of our time.

When you call, we will be listening.
Just remember you're not alone!
This feeling's so real
For we will rise!!

The wind machine is turned on full blast as the song bursts into life, blowing the hair and the clothes and anything that isn't tied down to the stage. The LED screen behind everyone shows clouds flying towards and then past the camera, which corresponds to the floor pattern aswell. The camera flies forward to the front of the stage where Leanne and the choir are waiting. The orchestra, the people on guitar and drums are all rocking out more than ever. Leanne sings with passion as she belts out the notes while trying to keep her balance while the wind machine is trying to blow her over.

Soaring through the sky
Seeing the whole world from here
Can you here my call?
Calling from the clouds above

Soaring through the sky
Can you see me down there?
We're going up, don't look down!
We're flying through the air!

The camera now focuses on the choir who have their moment to shine, with Leanne supporting them as they all sing their part of the song before they combine for the final part of the song. Various parts of the stage light up with each chime of the song before the whole stage is lit up as the last chime sounds before the lights circle the stage once again. Leanne plants her feet on the ground once again as she sings the signature line of her song.

Baby (Soaring through the sky
seeing the whole world from here) from up here
Can you here my call?
Calling from the clouds above

Soaring through the sky
Can you see me down there?
We're going up, don't look down!
We're flying through the air!

The choir then takes over once again as the hold their arms out high and wide as they continue to sway to the rhythm of the song. Leanne sings the final line of the song before the orchestra plays the final notes of the song independently. As they play, the stage goes dark and the strobe light flash brighter then ever to finish the song with a flurry of light and sound and the cheers of the audience.

(Can you hear my call?)
(Can you hear my call?)
Can you hear my call? Oh!

"Grazije, Mercedini. We can be the greatest!" Mercedinian flags are waving high across the stadium as the flags of all competing nation in Group G drop from the sky and drape themselves across the top of the stadium, with the recognisable colours of Mercedini next to the green and white of Schottia and the turquoise and white of Krytenia, plus all of the other less well known nation that Mercedini will face along the qualification campaign. As more simple performance compared to last time, which was made up for it with the power and emotion of the song. The choir walks off stage, quickly followed by people running onto the pitch to quickly dismantle the stage in time for the kick off against Huelavia in less than 30 minutes time. both sets of fans are waiting in anticipation for the commencement of their World Cup Qualification campaign.

[95X]

Finalizing the Roster
Katelynn State met with some statistics gurus and office staff. State was obviously returning to the sidelines for the 95Xers, having been in the position for seven years and considered successful given the state of the 95X National Team. The ongoing rebuilding process continued.

“The Concord-Fourteenths have another tournament left in them,” a staffer commented.

“They’ll play until they’re fifty if they could,” State quipped. “That leaves our starting lineup intact.”

“The thirty-three year-olds are starting?” someone replied.

“Yes, they’re still effective as regular starters,” State said as the stats people nodded in agreement.

“Let’s move on to the bench,” she insisted. “Let’s start with who left.”

“Most of the thirty-somethings,” a different staffer answered, handing State copies of each players’ letter stating their retirement from the National Team. “Except for Riverforest and Borland. Oh, and Ebony Deerview is a scratch for this World Cup.”

“Five total,” State confirmed; three defenders, a goalkeeper, and a center forward. Ten bench players are set to return. State decides to name two backup defenders and a second backup keeper outright.

“We’re set,” State confirmed.

“Except,” a staffer spoke up. “What about Antara? She’s extremely promising.”

State gave a disapproving look.

“Antara Northtown plays on her clubs’ under-18 team. Any player needs to prove they can perform at the highest level before I can consider them.”

Everyone gave long looks at State in return, but understood what she said.

[Brusseldorf]

FFB introduces program to give disadvantaged Brusseldorfen jobs

CEO of the FFB Hakeem al-Araibi today announced his plans to employ 15,000 disadvantaged Brusseldorfen in several new manufacturing plants for Los Alrededores' kit. Hakeem, who was himself a political refugee, discussed with the media this morning the nation-wide rollout of the program designed to give a chance to those doing it tough. "As part of Prime Minister Abelt Nejem's wishes to halve unemployment by the end of the decade, the FFB has constructed specially designed disability-accessible production facilities for the National Team's football kit. Refugees, disabled persons, persons with mental illnesses, and Brusseldorf's homeless, are all hard at work making those gorgeous kits for the team and the fans to wear. It's really heartwarming to see people taking the opportunities they can, and I'm proud to say that the FFB is doing their part to give these people hope. To expand on the program, those who apply are also eligible for all benefits give to those living on an elderly pension, including free healthcare and housing benefits.


Charles Monday working hard at the new facility in Central Casablanca. Image credits: UKS Mobility

Golazo got the chance to speak with Charles Monday, who has lept at the chance to make jerseys for his national team.

"I really enjoy watching sports, and to be able to make the jerseys for Los Alrededores is just a dream come true. I'm going to get to see them on the TV and think, I made that jersey Wolfenden is wearing! It's one of the loveliest working environments I've ever been a part of, everyone is really friendly and they're all having a great time getting to meet new people. It's a learning experience every day, and you get to learn about different parts of the manufacturing process. So far I've done the embroidery for the badges, and I've learnt how to sow the parts of the garments together. Honestly at times it doesn't even feel like work, *laughs* just a really big arts class with my friends. Don't tell my manager this but I spent part of my first paycheck on a life-size cardboard cut-out of Providence, my colleagues and I hid it in her office! When she gets to work on Monday she'll get a big fright!"

Charles will get to see his handiwork on the television tonight, as Brusseldorf goes away to Sajnur for their first match.

[Recuecn]

One day before World Cup Qualifiers begin: The RNFT had taken their team bus to the airport for the flight to Qasden, and when they disembarked outside the departure terminal, they were surrounded by a small crowd consisting of other passengers who recognized them and were willing to risk missing their flight to get an autograph or wish the team luck. A few of the players were loving it. Some put up with it. Tremblay, also with them, was a bit upset.

"Don't they see that they have places to go? This kind of distraction isn't helpful!" he muttered to no one in particular.

For Emanuele Cutrona, It was a blast. He'd been part of the squad before, but as might be expected, the hype around anything to do with the World Cup--even just the beginning of qualifiers--outmatched the excitement for any other sporting event. Emanuele had been with the team when they'd taken bronze at IAC 7. But that hadn't been in Reçueçn. Here, everyone he bumped into on the street was a potential fan. On his own he didn't usually attract that much attention--he'd only played in three games for the Unicorns so far, so if people recognized him, it was usually Harrim fans--but whenever he traveled with the RNFT, he was suddenly a minor celebrity. By the time he and the team got to their gate, his wrist was sore from autographing people's boarding passes.

Soon enough, their flight started boarding. Emanuele was sitting next to Franky, who had the window seat. The two had started to develop a friendship over the last few weeks of training. Originally, they hadn't gotten along very well, sparring on twitter at the beginning of the IAC. But the team's performance brought them together and lately, as they'd spent time together on the training field, they'd really started to bond. There were some other young guys on the team, including a couple within a year of Emanuele, but with him at at young 20 years old and Franky still only 19, they were the youngest. The pair would hang out after practice, playing video games on the console Franky had brought from his apartment to the hotel just outside Reçueçn where the team stayed during longer training sessions, or they would go bar-hopping together.

Now, sitting on the plane, they were both intent on catching some of the latest film releases they'd missed in theaters. Emanuele leaned over to get a look at Franky's screen.

"What are you watching?"

"I haven't picked yet. What're you gonna watch?"

"I heard that Death of Stalin was really good."

"Do you think they'll still have it? It came out like two years ago."

Just then a flight attendant came by and interrupted them. "Gentlemen, can I take your meal orders?" She handed them each a menu. "The choices are chicken or pasta. There's also a vegetarian option. And then for desert you'll be able to choose between a small fudge lava cake, or a slice of key lime pie."

Franky and Emanuele both ordered the chicken. There was no telling how airline pasta would turn out. It was a bit harder to mess up chicken.

Later, with their meals finished and put away, Franky paused his film and excused himself. Emanuele stood while Franky awkwardly slid in front of him out of the row. Not wanting to resume his own movie just to be interrupted again, Emanuele looked across the aisle to see Lukas Kayserling. Lukas was another 20 year old who'd managed to make the roster, although like Emanuele, he was on the reserve list. He was always pretty quiet, but that was mostly because of the language barrier.

"Well Lukas, how do you fancy our chances?" asked Emanuele.

"The game will be hard," said Lukas.

"Yeah, that's true," Emanuele mused. Qasden was the highest ranked team in the group, and they would be playing them on their home turf, in their biggest stadium. It would most likely be the hardest game of qualifying. None of the bookies favored Reçueçn's chances.

Lukas interrupted Emanuele's thoughts. "We can win though. We fight hard. We practice hard. We can win."

Emanuele looked up and down the aisle at the other players seated throughout the plane. They looked like a fairly average group of men, besides the fact that they were all wearing wearing matching RNFT gear--most of them in the light hoodies the team had provided. But Emanuele had worked with them. He knew this wasn't true. This group was special. They were hard workers, dedicated. Emanuele looked at Franky, walking back down the aisle towards him. Rather than the size of his nicely toned leg muscles, what Emanuele saw was the size of his heart. Franky had the sort of big heart it would take to beat the 18th ranked team in the multiverse in their home stadium.

Emanuele grinned at Lukas. "Yes. We can win."

[Omerica]

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World Cup 83 qualifiers: Margaret clearly hates us — Omerica’s awful opening day adventures (Part 1)
By Christine Halleran

No, we are not talking about the lack of qualifying success these United Republics have enjoyed. We’re talking about something far more important: why on God’s green earth do we always seem to start our qualifying campaigns away from bloody home?

You would expect a team that’s taken part in twelve qualifying campaigns would have started out away from home six times, give or take one or two in either direction due to the random nature of the scheduling. In that span, Omerica will have kicked off abroad nine times. And now, for the fifth time in a row, Omerica will start their World Cup campaign away from home, this time in an undisclosed stadium at an undisclosed location in something called the Szcerkina Federacy.

World Cup 69: Pasarga 4–1 Omerica
Claim to fame: First World Cup qualifying game
After a disappointing sixteenth-final exit at Omerica’s first major international tournament, the attention of the nation was turned en masse to their first ever World Cup qualifying campaign. A mostly feckless Jean-Manuel de Rosas led the team for their first qualifying game in no lesser a nation than Pasarga, who (despite having not yet been crowned world champions at the time) would quickly crush the high hopes of a ragtag band of boisterous upstarts into a fine powder. One can only assume the people who kept watching the campaign were enjoying the soul-crushing humiliation conga Omerica were enduring, capped off by a qualifying matchday 10 defeat to thankfully-defunct French-abusers Nouvel [sic] Ecosse.

World Cup 70: Yttribia 4–0 Omerica
Claim to fame: Largest opening day defeat
Die Einundsechzigste. (About nine World Cups to late for that. :Ρ ) Luckily for the Griffons, matchday one wouldn’t be nearly as terrifying as it was two years prior, which wasn’t a hard ask, if we’re being completely honest. But on the pitch against Yttribia, Jean-Baptiste Archambault’s Omerica were catastrophically hapless, flattened by vastly superior opposition—the match still stands as one of Omerica’s five joint-largest defeats, alongside defeats to Equestria, the Sandwich Territories, the Holy Empire and Ceni. Omerica would ultimately finish in the top half of the table for the first time, but after this disastrous match, it rarely ever looked like they would be serious contenders to even challenge for a playoff berth.

World Cup 71: Omerica 1–1 Kalumba
Claims to fame: First opening day home game; first draw on opening day
Be honest: if you were expecting anything other than a defeat in this match, you’re lying. Sure, the original management team had been purged, James-Alexandre Christopherson rode in triumphantly from his Premier League exploits and Omerica finally got to start a campaign at home, but Kalumba were still favoured to take the match against an Omerican team which had developed a habit of doing nothing that could accurately be described as “good”. Lo and behold, however, and Omerica managed not to completely screw up their opening game, ending the first matchday with points for the first time ever. It was over by the eleventh game thanks to some godforsaken Sunrisians, but just for the cheek of getting an opening day point, it was all totally worth it.

World Cup 72: United North States 1–0 Omerica
Claim to fame: First opening day defeat to lower-ranked opposition
And then things fall apart. James-Alexandre Christopherson managed the minor miracle of surviving a full international cycle to see this game, but not even in the United North States could Omerica actually manage to win. Though this campaign would feature a still cherished win against four-time world champions the Holy Empire, the opening game symbolised the consistent and agonising failure of the national team to live up to the nation’s expectations (especially with how over-inflated they were, in hindsight). Christopherson completely melted down over the course of the campaign and was unable to scrounge together the Cup of Harmony performance he needed to save his job—in hindsight, his sacking was one of the few good things the Omerican Football Federation ever did.

World Cup 73: Omerica 1–1 Unified Sunrise Islands
Claims to fame: Second opening day home game; most recent opening day draw
Like the URSF with the “Incorrigibles” nickname in more recent times, Omerican supporters had leaned into the “Omerica never win matchday 1” meme. It was, by this point, a tradition to choke in the first game, then limp like mannequins made of wet-paper through the rest of the campaign. Archambault, however, was at least able to claw back a point from a home meeting with the second-seeds, a match deemed critical to both teams’ qualifying aspirations. That point appeared to buoy speculation that Omerica could finally break out of the mould of repeated failure, but meant to be it was not. It would be a shameful match in Burningham which left Omerica looking in on the finals from outside, saltier than the saltiest Saltsteadish salt flat, burning up a golden opportunity to qualify.

World Cup 74: Braxil 0–2 Omerica
Claim to fame: First opening day victory
There is a certain air of irony to the fact that an interim manager could pull off in one campaign that which six permanent managers haven’t been able to do in ten. With Jean-Baptiste Archambault critically dead—doctors are still not hopeful—Omerica’s winless opening day record would go with him, as newly-promoted ex–Christopherson-sidekick Ryan Pritchard was able to lead Omerica to a stunning two-goal victory in Braxil, beginning a run of nine competitive wins that would only be briefly interrupted by a friendly defeat to San José Guayabal and ended by defeat to eventual world champions Nephara. The margin Omerica had built up over the course of the first nine matchdays, though, was something Nephara could not definitively overturn, ending in Omerica’s only successful qualifying campaign to date.

From the fall to the rising to a team with an actual goddamned trophy: To be continued in Part 2. ◇

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Uniting Omerican sport fans across the United Republics — blogdefootball: a proud member of the Gryphon Pride network

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United Republican Soccer Federation
6 Jacques la Rouge Road
Port Alexandre, AM 18-A40
UNITED REPUBLICS OF OMERICA

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Szcerkina Federacy v Omerica
World Cup 83 qualifying group stage — Matchday One
Old Sample, Sampleville, Szcerkina Federacy
Omerica line-up: Drew Durant; Jet Sneyders – Emily Michelakis – Jesús Cruz – Marine Roldan; Alex Rodrigues – Sean Tester; George Palmeiro – Robin van Tyn (captain) – Martin la Rouge; Jean-François Fernand

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[Saintland]

World Cup 83 Preview

(SP) For the first time in many years, Saintland is returning to the World Cup. After a somewhat successful return to the Copa Rushmori ended with a Round of 16 loss to Valladares on penalties, King Paulus XVI acquired the hosting rights to the Baptism of Fire and was thus able to expose players from the 37 new nations to the True Church of Iesus Christus. In the end, the Baptism of Fire ended with Hapilopper's victory, paving the way for the World Cup. This World Cup will be hosted in Banija and Equestria. Banija is unfamiliar to most Sanctii but they have previously hosted the World Cup with the Free Republics. Equestria is simply a new name for the Equestrian States because those talking horses needed to change the name of their country to have any hope of winning a host vote. Afterall, everybody knows that they cannot be trusted. Afterall, they once injured King Andreas in a World Cup match! (OOC: This is false. They injured King Petrus XX in a World Bowl match but he is now considered a heretic who usurped his brother Andreas's throne so the Sanctii government revised history and now claims that the famous Mud Bowl was a soccer game.)

Saintland was drawn into Group X which is fitting since Xtian was used at one time in the early days of the Church as a euphemism for "Christian" to evade persecution. We open the World Cup with a bye before playing some nation we've never heard of called the Busoga Islands at Royal Stadium. We then visit Asdia, a nation that reached the Round of 20 of the Baptism of Fire, playing all of their matches in Malifornia, Free Republics. We then return home for a match with Jeruselem, a notorious nation of wickedness that takes the name of a holy city in vain. Jeruselem is ranked 35th. Then we will visit Vartugia, a nation that we have never heard of. We will then return home for the 6th matchday to face #1 ranked Vilita, whom King Andreas had many legendary matches against a lifetime ago. We are not surprised to discover that they are #1 in the world because Vilitan teams were always tough opponents in the days of King Andreas. Finally, there is Mattijana, ranked 60th. The name sounds vaguely familiar but we aren't particularly familiar with them. Then we repeat the schedule with home and away reversed. If we finish first, we qualify for the World Cup. If we finish 2nd, we qualify for a 2nd group stage which is being called a playoff where we will play a single round robin 4 team group at a neutral site. There's also something called the Fake World Cup being run by a computer simulation in Drawkland where we are competing under the Holy Casaran format. Our first opponent in that is 95X, who are actually doing the World Cup now.

Since we haven't really done much research about the other teams in this group, all we can do is talk about the Sanctii National Team. The team is captained by goalkeeper Alessandro Suedius, grandson of midfielder Petrus Suedius who was captain of our Handball World Cup 10 champion handball team. With Prince Andreas, grandson of the legendary King Andreas, not yet ready to play at the international level, Suedius selected a young team made up of the best young players in the Sanctii league. While expectations are fairly low this year, hopes are high for the team once the Prince finishes his high school obligations at the age of 20. We are aware that many foreigners are likely reading this article, so we should clarify that education is compulsory in Saintland until you finish high school, which is traditionally around age 20 if you do not flunk any grades which happens regularly because finishing in the bottom 10% nationwide on the Standardized Test of Academic Achievement (STAA) for your grade level results in flunking a grade and thus being legally required to repeat it (more students can be flunked if the test scores for the nation are sufficiently low though this has only happened about once a decade). This policy was adopted as a result of the education reforms passed by King Andreas. Needless to say, Prince Andreas will not be playing for the national team until he reaches full legal adulthood because our laws prohibit minors from representing the Kingdom in international competition and we do not make exceptions to the law for members of the royal family.

It should also be noted that the players on the National Team are disproportionately from the eastern side of Saintland since the western pretender corrupted the development of the men of his stolen domain. Under the Feministvs Sanctvsterra regime, the natural gender roles were inverted and both genders were treated improperly for the sake of the agenda of some lunatics who worshiped a demonic "goddess" and ludicrously claimed that the Blessed Virgin Maria was her daughter and the savior of humanity, blaspheming against her son Iesus Christus. Lucas Equitia, the youngest player on the team, is the only player from the former western half to make the team and only because he got the opportunity to develop his craft in high school after the pretender's daughter renounced her illegal claim to the throne and agreed to join a convent to repent of her sins.

The Sanctii National Team will be wearing their traditional Kirola Sports kits, designed by Audioslavia's Kirola Sports generations ago. While the King's Government had considered a return to the original in-house design from our early days in the World Cup, we decided to stick with our more iconic Kirola look.

All Sanctii matches will be broadcast on Royal One during prime time. We will also be broadcasting matches from Group X on Royal Two and Royal Three each night with a replay marathon following the conclusion of the night's matches on Royal Four. The Internet will be filtered to prevent the distribution of spoilers relating to Group X matches that have yet to air on the Royal Networks. Matches from other groups will be available live on Sanctustube whenever they happen with a minimal delay to edit out any inappropriate content including spoilers and indecently dressed women. There will also be extensive World Cup coverage from the Saintland Press in all local newspapers. Be sure to tune in tonight to watch the Vilita vs Asdia match on Royal One. Busoga Islands and Mattijana will air on Royal Two with Jeruselem and Vartugia on Royal Three. You can also watch all 3 matches simultaneously if you've paid for Premium Television which will offer the Threefold Channel that airs a live feed of the Royal Networks broadcasts of all 3 matches with your choice of commentary. Be sure to come out to Royal Stadium for our home matches and cheer on our Kingdom's representatives in the World Cup...

[Qusmo]

SPONY LUQ TELEVISION

Hello, all. Welcome to Spony Luq Television, broadcasting from Qanz, Qusmo. Fuzpon Qusma is still basking in the glow of an incredible spell which has seen Ilinx-Kepex Zev nominated to the Galacticos Long-list, Tlanx-Nulzk Hal awarded Galacticos Manager of the Season, Qusmo named hosts of Copa Rushmori XXXII, & the Qusma national team advanced to the World Cup knockout rounds. However, as it does every year, the World Cup cycle has started anew, & nothing can be taken for granted; Qusmo will start their World Cup 83 Qualifying campaign with no points, but they do have a fantastic & experienced group of players, a favourable Pot 1 position within their group, & genuine hopes of matching their previous performances - or, perhaps, even surpassing them. With that, let’s get to our first question, from a viewer in Atlem.

What’s our chances of getting to another World Cup?

We realize we have been pessimistic about Qusmo before. This time, however, we do think Qusmo stands a very good chance of qualifying for World Cup 83 - but it won’t be easy, & it certainly won’t be guaranteed. Qusmo stands as the highest-ranked team in Group E & will be projected by several pundits to make the final tournament. That said, the team can’t just kick its feet up, enjoy a slice of key lime pie, & waltz its way through the qualifiers; Qusmo has historically struggled in World Cup Qualifying, & every match looks to be tough in a group of seven, where only one qualifies directly & the group runner-up must win a playoff group including three other teams. Let’s take a look at every opponent Qusmo will play over the next twelve matches, starting from Pot 7 all the way to Pot 2 - & then look at what that means about Group E’s Pot 1 team: Qusmo itself.

Little is known about Qusmo’s first opponents of the cycle, Far Wor Eryunce, but that doesn’t mean they ought to be taken for granted. As manager Avarn-Oxolt Ban notes, “No one knew much about us, & we didn’t enter the Baptism of Fire, either. We were unranked & an unknown. But we came out strong. We won our first match, then we beat the previously-unbeaten defending Baptism of Fire champions, & three years later, we’re the favourites in Pot 1. We certainly had our trouble against Ceni that first go-around, but we were able to win against Tumbra, ranked twenty-fourth in the Multiverse at the time - only two spots below where we are now, I might add. Now, we’re the team the bullseye on our backs, & if we don’t treat them with respect, they’ll seize the chance to humble us. & that’s something that, frankly, we can’t afford.”

Far Wor Eryunce may be Qusmo’s first opponent this qualifying cycle, but Avarn-Oxolt & their staff will have some film to review before they take on these unranked opponents. Due to the nature of a seven-team group, Qusmo will have a bye on the first matchday, while Far Wor Eryunce will make their debut against fellow unranked side San José Guayabal. “It’s always good to have some rest,” Avarn-Oxolt assured the press. “I initially wasn’t happy that it meant we’d just have a delayed start, rather than giving us a break on, say, Matchdays Four & Eleven, but the fact that we’re playing Far Wor Eryunce means this bye will be very productive. Unlike the other team to start out their campaign against them, we’ll have a much more accurate analysis of their level of talent, their strengths, their weaknesses, & their tendencies. We’d always love more data, of course, but this way, at least we’ll have some.”

That other team to start their campaign against Far Wor Eryunce will be San José Guayabal. La Selecta may be the only unranked team from Pot 6 in the mix, but they got placed in a better pot than the rest of their unranked rivals for a reason: with twenty-nine SRS points, featuring ten appearances in the World Cup & four medals, including two trips to the World Cup final, they are among the top sixty nations in the Multiverse historically. However, the team has not participated in World Cup Qualifying since the seventy-ninth cycle - the cycle immediately before Qusmo debuted. Qusmo may be happy about reaching the World Cup, but San José Guayabal has done it ten times; Qusmo may be happy about advancing to the knockouts, but San José Guayabal has done it five times before, winning twelve knockout & medal matches along the way - while Qusmo has yet to win one.

Still, this new iteration of San José Guayabal might have yet to find their footing. They have competed in only one international tournament since losing to eventual champions Schottia in the World Cup 79 Round of Sixteen: the most recent, & twenty-fourth, edition of the Campionato Esportiva. There, they finished bottom of Group D, losing four-nil to Fhulghamous Peninsula, three-one to Dreamplanet, & three-nil to Apox. With one goal scored & ten conceded, they ranked twenty-fourth among twenty-four entrants in the tournament. Notably, they also played a friendly against none other than Qusmo before the tournament, losing at Estadio Renacer Nacional by a score of four-one. Qusmo will surely hope that playing the same fixture over again will yield the same result when they return to San Salvador on Matchday Seven - but nerves could be high, even if San José Guayabal doesn’t consistently display their previous levels of form, if Qusmo needs a result against the two-time World Cup finalists on the final matchday in order to qualify for just their second World Cup in total.

A team that has had considerable success of late, despite being low-ranked, is the team hailing from Pot 5 in this group: Port Ember. In Baptism of Fire 70, they earned third place, with eight wins in ten matches; they earned those wins thanks to a high-octane offense, which scored twenty-nine goals over the course of the tournament. It is no secret that Qusmo sometimes has trouble scoring, & that could be lethal against this team. The Tridents’ strategy is centred around a daring counterattack strategy dubbed the bait attack. The team allows their opponent to keep as much possession as it cares for, only pressing if most of the opposing players are in attacking positions; then, once possession is recovered, the team hopes to unleash a vicious counterattack, aided by a numerical advantage. If Qusmo can’t take advantage of the possession they are afforded, they may have to throw more numbers forward - playing right into Port Ember’s trap, putting Qusmo in danger of an upset.

As much focus as the media have put on their tactics, Port Ember’s success doesn’t seem to be the result of any gimmick, either; the national federation has invested considerable resources into a multiyear project to make their team competitive. Four years ago - before Fuzpon Qusma entered a team into World Cup 80 Qualifying - Port Ember Football Association identified the best fourteen-year-old prospects in the nation & invited them to a Youth Project, training them with one goal in mind: building a competitive national team fit for the world stage. It seems as though that’s what they’ve done, assembling a very young squad, mostly filled with nineteen-year-olds, save for eighteen-year-olds George Lindsey as a right back, John Swift as a right midfielder, & Jason Chamberlain as the starting left midfielder, & putting them through grueling training, including an intense regimen known as Camp Steel.

The team is even younger than the squad Qusmo played in their Cup of Harmony debut, & Qusmo’s three-one win was credited in large part to their superior experience - but, crucially, that same edge in experience won’t necessarily translate as much to Qusmo’s clashes with the young Tridents, because the team has built up plenty of experience playing with one another already during their four-year Youth Project. Additionally, while manager Stuart Baker has been credited for implementing smart tactics that have helped his team win, widely panned tactics are a key, if overlooked, factor in Qusmo’s win. As Baker’s counterpart, Avarn-Oxolt, was quoted in the aftermath of the South Toronto match, “Our midfield outnumbered theirs five to two, & the oldest player in their Starting XI is twenty-two. Those are really dangerous statistics when taken independently, but especially when factored in together. Their lack of midfield depth means that their midfielders will be asked to do a lot to get their team out of sticky situations, & their youth & inexperience will mean that they’ll struggle to know how to best deal with those situations.” Qusmo won’t enjoy nearly the same advantages that they did against South Toronto, making their Matchdays Four & Eleven potentially dangerous fixtures for Qusmo’s qualification chances.

But of course, despite the intrigue around the prospect of a squad that would be fully Di Bradini Cup-eligible in two years’ time competing against much older squads, speculation surrounding whether San José Guayabal will be able to find a way to click as they did en route to ten World Cups, & conjecture concerning how debutants Far Wor Eryunce will fare in their first dozen international matches in their nation’s history, we haven’t yet covered the most unpredictable opponent Qusmo will face. The holder of that distinction is clear: Skorji Oslograd. Skorjiball has taken over the Euran Oceania Territories’ national team, & the enigmatic manager will now enter his third full World Cup Qualifying campaign imposing the way of the warrior on his squad.

The Expats’ results, like their manager’s every act, have been unpredictable. In Olsograd’s first full qualifying cycle with the team, & the country’s second, the team finished fifth in their group of ten, with twenty-two points from eighteen matches. However, in their most recent qualifying campaign, the team finished seventh of ten, with nineteen points from eighteen matches, a joint group-high nine losses, & a group-worst negative-fifteen goal difference. That said, they have shown that they can challenge good teams, defeating Valanora en route to the knockout rounds of the most recent AOCAF Cup.

The antics associated with Skorjiball might even be rubbing off on their opponents; Bongo Johnson, the one team to be drawn in the same World Cup Qualifying group as the Expats for both of their campaigns with Oslograd in charge, went from ninth in their World Cup 81 Qualifying group to winning their World Cup 82 Qualifying group, joining Qusmo as the only final tournament debutants in World Cup 82. Can Oslograd’s side find that same kind of magic & qualify for the World Cup? Whether or not they can, there can be no doubt that their manager - &, likely, the entire team - will harbour a level of fire & intensity befitting a World Cup final, so Qusmo must be on its toes, ready for anything, both on Matchday Three at the historic Flynn Arena & again on Matchday Ten at home.

As unfamiliar as they might be, one team somewhat familiar with the Euran Oceania Territories - though, admittedly, perhaps not to the level of Bongo Johnson - is Competitive Solitaire. In both teams’ first-ever match, Competitive Solitaire faced the Euran Oceania Territories on Matchday One of Baptism of Fire 67 & won, by a convincing three-nil scoreline; in the end, Competitive Solitaire would win their group & advance to the quarterfinals, while the Expats were unable to win any of their five group stage matches & finished at the bottom of their group. Now, Competitive Solitaire finds itself in Pot 3, with a distinct possibility of making it to a qualifying playoff group - or doing even better.

If Qusmo isn’t careful, Competitive Solitaire could pose a very tough challenge. The team is drilled to focus their attacks on one of three lanes: left, right, or central. Between two strikers, three centre midfielders, three centre backs, & of course one goalkeeper, Qusmo could have as many as nine players in the central spaces if it tries its traditional 3-5-2 formation against Competitive Solitaire, while only maintaining one wide midfielder in each of the two wide lanes. In this event, Competitive Solitaire may not focus much at all on attacking centrally, but they could focus on advancing the ball through the wings & then crossing in to find a finish - a style of play that traditionally has been emphasized in the nation’s sporting culture.

Qusmo could try to adapt & play with more wide players, perhaps in a 4-3-3. However, Avarn-Oxolt has not proven to be very eager to change their tactics; of Qusmo’s eighty-two competitive matches to date, Qusmo’s starting XI has lined up in a 4-3-3 once, a 5-3-2 once, a 4-4-2 once, & a 3-5-2 seventy-nine times, including in every match since Qusmo’s debut competitive campaign, World Cup 80 Qualifying. Those unconventional formations were used against tough opponents, but they all ended in losses; the 4-3-3 was employed in Qusmo’s away qualifier to Tumbra, a two-nil loss, while the 5-3-2 & 4-4-2 were used in Qusmo’s two qualifiers against Ceni, which Qusmo lost five-two & five-one, respectively - the latter still holding the record for Qusmo’s worst loss in any match, competitive or friendly, to date. Avarn-Oxolt is loathe to try something different - & if they do, Qusmo might just be so unused to a new formation or tactical scheme that they botch its execution, to bad results. Either way, though Avarn-Oxolt has time before meeting Competitive Solitaire at home on Matchday Six & then at Marković Stadion on Matchday Thirteen, they ought to be thinking up ways to effectively deal with their attack now.

But perhaps Qusmo’s biggest threat in this group, in which only one team is assured a spot in World Cup 83, is their only Group E rival we have yet to cover: Chromatika. Chromatika is no ordinary Pot 2 nation, however; they have qualified for each of the past seven World Cups for which they have attempted to do so. The only problem is that they didn’t enter World Cup 82 Qualifying; that lost Chromatika so many points that they nearly dipped down into Pot 3. However, the available evidence suggests they may have indeed lost a touch.

Chromatika first qualified to the World Cup in World Cup 75, advancing to the knockout rounds, & then made it all the way to the semifinals of World Cup 76. However, they have not had the same kind of success since. After being bounced in the World Cup 77 group stage, they seemed to rebound by making the World Cup 78 quarterfinals, but their performances have steadily gotten worse since: that quarterfinals showing was followed by consecutive round of sixteen eliminations in World Cup 79 & World Cup 80 before Chromatika was eliminated in the World Cup 81 group stage, the most recent edition they played in. Lawsuits & the ever-looming spectre of politics seems to have truly dragged this team down - even sidelining them altogether for a full edition of the tournament.

Still, just because Chromatika may not be at their peak powers doesn’t mean they won’t be a tough opponent. It’s worth keeping in mind that they have advanced to the World Cup seven times & the AOCAF Cup final twice, winning the fifty-fifth edition of the tournament. & Chromatika has historically done very well in qualifying; not since World Cup 74 Qualifying have they earned less than the 1.611 points per qualifying match Qusmo did, while they have earned more than two points per match - a mark Qusmo has still never reached - in every qualifying campaign they have played in since first competing in the World Cup, with three of those six campaigns coming without having lost a match. Chromatika has not lost a World Cup Qualifying match since Matchday 14 of the eighthieth cycle; Qusmo lost seven of its eighteen World Cup Qualifying matches in its most recent cycle. Now, the Chromatik press has proclaimed that “Chromatika is back” - & it they’re right, it could spell trouble for Qusmo.

So how will Qusmo do? They invited a team full of fresh faces - especially those from KF Atlov, which comprised fully half of the fourteen uncapped players - to the national team’s fifty-player training camp in a bid to improve the team, but twenty-four of those on the twenty-five player roster were also on the roster through the entirety of World Cup 82 Qualifying, World Cup 82, & Copa Rushmori XXXII, with the lone exception being the third-choice goalkeeper. This is a scrappy team that can fight, but they’re not likely going to dominate; whether on the score sheet for a single match or on the table for the whole campaign, if Qusmo wins, they will likely win by putting up a hard fight, never giving up, & having just enough to come out on top. That’s the identity Avarn-Oxolt Ban has instilled in this team, & it’s what these players have proven themselves to be. They have proven that they can do it; they have proven that they can qualify. & they can do it again - but, just like last time, it will take every match & every point they can get. Get ready for a fight.

[Saltstead]

The Walland Daily Press
Northern Saltstead’s premier news source

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VOL. 124 NO. 200

11 SHILLINGS & 0

Proudly printed in Cherrygrove

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World Cup 83 qualification: Inside the journey Saltstead must now traverse
The draw for the Stallions could leave Saltstead fighting for second place, as Tlanx-Nulzk Hal takes on the new task of coaching a World Cup qualifying campaign

Ashwell — Once Tlanx-Nulzk Hal puts down the Saltsteadish textbook and stops admiring their shiny Galacticos Manager of the Season title, they will have the ignominious task of doing what no Saltsteader has ever done: properly coaching Saltstead to a properly successful World Cup qualification campaign. With no Garifunya to set their paperwork alight in a bonfire of incompetence, Saltstead will have no second chances and nowhere to hide.

In what The Daily Press shall describe as “the Group Winners’ World Cup”, every single non-host team in the World Cup finals will have made it there by winning a group. The first stage will be the classic home-and-away group stage, where the winners of each seven-team group will advance directly to the finals and the runners-up to the “playoffs”. These “playoffs” are really just a second group stage, this time with four teams instead of seven and on neutral turf instead of the home-and-away league format. As with the first stage, the winners of these “playoff” groups qualify for the World Cup finals, completing the field of thirty-two.

Of course, winning a qualifying group is a task which has been deemed impossible for mere mortal Saltsteaders to accomplish, hence why we have Hal. The addition of a Qusmi to the staff means the team has been deemed as “not completely Saltsteadish” and therefore makes this task now fully possible. After all, as the old saying goes: “If you can’t beat them, join them.” (Just don’t ask the KSFB or Saltsteadish supporters if they’re salty about the events of the last two years. It has become some of a berserk button.) Surely with Gay Ware exiled from the realm, we cannot possibly screw it up this time… oh. The group draw is in.

May Margaret have mercy on us…

Tulize: 294th in the world — 4th in Pot 6
“Disappointment” would be the most accurate description of Tulize’s performances thus far. Bounced out of the Independents Cup (i.e. that tournament which was just won by metaphorical garbage) with just a single point, eliminated from the Baptism of Fire Cup group stage by a single point and yet to release any kind of roster information, the Tulizean will have the misfortune of running into a second-seeded team as its very first qualifying opponent and being forced to do so on the road to boot. At the very least, we can admire the aesthetic of their flag when it is unfurled at De Nationalėpark.

Benjamin Mark: unranked — tied with everyone else in Pot 7
The Benjamin Markian capital Carson Village (we presume) will be Saltstead’s first away trip. Still unknown, however, is where exactly Den Hegėsten will be going or who exactly the Stallions will be playing, as the existence of Benjamin Mark’s national football team is an ongoing question that has yet to be solved by philosophers. Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll just get two free forfeits, but more likely is the possibility of playing a herd of sentient rabbits. Just ask Juan Tzimisces, those creatures are blood-thirsty and they will show no mercy…

Libonesia: 139th in the world — 18th in Pot 4
The only team in Group I that was fished out of the bottom half of the pot, Libonesia rounds out the relatively easy start that Saltstead have had the fortune to draw. Yet another team that has yet to tell anyone about itself, Hal and company would justifiably feel like they are taking a glorified tour of nowhere. The Daily Press research team have indicated that Libonesia is situated in the Melayu Archipelago, but what exactly will await us there is unknown, especially with the best reference material we could find mentioning a nation called “Ponderosa” more than Libonesia. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Baker Park: 13th in the world — 12th in Pot 1
Baker Park, better known as “that team who knocked us out of AOCAF and no we’re totally not bitter about it at all”, has to be the far-and-away favourite to advance directly to the final tournament. The Commonwealth is known for its relatively attack-minded football and come into the World Cup as a potential outside candidate to win it all, especially with an admirable third-place finish at the last AOCAF. The visit to Queen Victoria Stadium in Ezriquay will be the first big test of the qualifying campaign, where the interesting 3–4–1–2 could well work over a new Saltsteadish tactical system for a second time. If Baker Park doesn’t win this group, we, the staff of The Walland Daily Press, shall eat our shoes.

Eastfield Lodge: 54th in the world — 3rd in Pot 3
Perhaps the biggest winner of the group draw, perennial football failure Eastfield Lodge will be excited to meet a side which has never properly qualified for the World Cup finals before as their second-seed opponent. Wagers are that the attacking tradition of Eastfielder football will continue, though we still have yet to discover exactly who we will face and where, Eastfield Lodge has the perfect opportunity to actually defy a long and storied history of disappointment and all-around shitty luck. If Eastfield Lodge cannot manage to make at least the “playoffs”, then quite frankly, Eastfield Lodge will never again qualify for the World Cup finals.

San Felix: 192nd in the world — 4th in Pot 5
The motto of San Felix should really be “ᴁ s ᴛ ʜ ᴇ ᴛ ɪ ᴄ”. Deploying an counterattack-minded 4–4–1–1, mixed with some false nine action, Los Chamos de Oro tragically fell to defeat at their final two games in the Baptism of Fire Cup, finishing their first WCC tournament without medals. Stationed at their Estadio Metropolitano fortress, Abraham Semprún’s team may have to moderate their expectations given the group draw, perhaps aiming to finish third, but the fifth-place finish their seeding would suggest would be highly disappointing for one of the more promising sides of the “Class of 70”.

Our own nagging sense of agony or ennui: 31st in the world — 4th in Pot 2
Depends on whether our fate has been settled going into our off-day or not. The Stallions will at least get a breather before the qualifying playoffs, if they even make it to that stage. With Saltstead’s two biggest rivals each having a game in hand by the end of the campaign, Saltstead will have to work even harder to ensure that one or both are out of reach by matchday 14. However, Tlanx-Nulzk’s Saltstead can be most charitably described as “experimental”, so how well this team will do is as much in question as the existence of Garifunya’s national FA.

I mean, when you can’t even beat Qusmo in a meaningless exhibition match in your own home stadium, you know you’re bad. Congrats to Paliv-Xilit Max on getting the captain’s armband, though. Well earned. Have a key lime pie on us. ❧

[Banija]

Well, my friends, you're stuck with me for 7 cutoffs. We're going to take a journey around the footballing world for these upcoming cutoffs.

Our first cutoff will be an introduction to the best supported amateur football(soccer!) club in all of North America(and, of course, my personal favorite).

#ComeAndGetIt

[Drawkland]

DRAWKLAND'S EVIL WORLD CUP
"Proof of Concept"

Much to chagrin of DISC staff everywhere, the "higher-ups" at DISC have decided to create a simulation of what would occur had Drawkland actually somehow won the World Cup 83 host vote. Obviously, we must present these results to the entire multiverse as a proof of concept, and thus we are here to present the EVIL WORLD CUP. Please remember that none of this is canon (unless, like .... you find a way that that would make sense), and that the bid will be followed to a T. I'm not lying. I'll prove it if necessary.

Qualifying MD1

Welcome one, welcome all to the (not) official MD1 of World Cup 83 qualifying! I am your host, Drawk Lexun, here to bring you the scores and some quick commentary on the first matchday of scores. Since this is the first matchday, both the Casaran nations and Group 7 (the bracket group) will be scorinated. Their next round of scorination will occur on MD3.

If you need a refresher course on what the hell is happening here, feel free to consult the Group Draw Post, or the bid itself which is linked in the post title. Now let's get underway!

CASARAN NATIONS
Now we will start off with the Casaran nations. If you don't know what Casaran is, look it up! I will have the results here but the table and the next matchday's matchups will be spoilered for your health and safety. Don't want the OSHA on my ass. Also, I'm not bolding 46 matchups in one shot. Fuck you.
Cosumar 2–1 Lons
Apox 1–0 Kiryu-shi
New Lusitania 3–0 Koyoland
Brenecia 2–0 Velstrania
Barunia 3–1 Benjamin Mark
Valladares 1–0 Tamgu
Damukuni 3–0 Hyundai-Kia
Ko-oren 1–0 Everta
Darmen 3–3 Sinyal
Krytenia 0–2 Cartedoria
Farfadillis 0–1 San José Guayabal
95X 3–0 Saintland
Baker Park 4–3 Astograth
The Macabees 2–2 Lepolanatnessffiria
Ethane 4–2 Nooooooooooooooo
Squornshelan Remnant States 6–1 Flavovespia
Eura 1–1 Schiavonia
Taeshan 1–0 Senayan
South Covello 3–0 New Saria
Banija 3–0 Lashnakia
Starblaydia 1–1 Ouna
Cassadaigua 2–0 Reçueçn
Mriin 3–0 New North Carolina
Oberour Ar Moro 3–1 Paratan
Lisander 4–2 Abaja
North Quadana 3–1 Britonisea
Saint Émelie 3–0 Lavize
Eraman 3–0 Spensar
Rakivland 1–0 New Karelograd
Beepee 1–0 The Aurian Plains
Freeport 2–2 Abercontin-Jereaux
Mattijana 3–2 Torisakia
Polkopia 2–0 Amurbia
Kelssek 0–1 Cheetahs & Reptiles Coalison
Competitive Solitaire 2–2 Terre Septentrionale
Vakolicci Haven & Celaria 0–0 Timuria
Geisenfried 0–1 St. Saratoga
Kernovi & Rewgwlas 3–1 Bolgano
Acronius 3–0 Kandonica
Santa Regada 6–2 Axuva
Libonesia 3–1 Tulize
Joshenia 0–2 Port Ember
Devonta 1–2 Zealandiana
Flardania 0–1 Hapilopper
Crystalline Caverns 2–2 San Félix
Grod Island 0–1 Petrisi

 ngl this table ugly fr         G W L D PF PA PD SoS SoV Pts
 1  Squornshelan Remnant States 1 1 0 0  6  1  +5   0   0   3
 2                 Santa Regada 1 1 0 0  6  2  +4   0   0   3
 3                     Acronius 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
 4                        Mriin 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
 5                       Eraman 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
 6                South Covello 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
 7                 Saint Émelie 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
 8                     Damukuni 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
 9                New Lusitania 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
10                          95X 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
11                       Banija 1 1 0 0  3  0  +3   0   0   3
12                   Cartedoria 1 1 0 0  2  0  +2   0   0   3
13              Oberour Ar Moro 1 1 0 0  3  1  +2   0   0   3
14                      Barunia 1 1 0 0  3  1  +2   0   0   3
15                     Lisander 1 1 0 0  4  2  +2   0   0   3
16                     Brenecia 1 1 0 0  2  0  +2   0   0   3
17                  Cassadaigua 1 1 0 0  2  0  +2   0   0   3
18                       Ethane 1 1 0 0  4  2  +2   0   0   3
19                North Quadana 1 1 0 0  3  1  +2   0   0   3
20           Kernovi & Rewgwlas 1 1 0 0  3  1  +2   0   0   3
21                   Port Ember 1 1 0 0  2  0  +2   0   0   3
22                    Libonesia 1 1 0 0  3  1  +2   0   0   3
23                     Polkopia 1 1 0 0  2  0  +2   0   0   3
24                  Zealandiana 1 1 0 0  2  1  +1   0   0   3
25                      Petrisi 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
26                   Hapilopper 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
27                 St. Saratoga 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
28                      Taeshan 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
29                    Rakivland 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
30                    Mattijana 1 1 0 0  3  2  +1   0   0   3
31            San José Guayabal 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
32                   Baker Park 1 1 0 0  4  3  +1   0   0   3
33                         Apox 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
34                       Beepee 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
35                      Cosumar 1 1 0 0  2  1  +1   0   0   3
36 Cheetahs & Reptiles Coalison 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
37                   Valladares 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
38                      Ko-oren 1 1 0 0  1  0  +1   0   0   3
39                  Starblaydia 1 0 0 1  1  1  +0   1   1   1
40                 The Macabees 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
41          Lepolanatnessffiria 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
42           Abercontin-Jereaux 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
43                         Ouna 1 0 0 1  1  1  +0   1   1   1
44                     Freeport 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
45                    San Félix 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
46        Competitive Solitaire 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
47                      Timuria 1 0 0 1  0  0  +0   1   1   1
48    Vakolicci Haven & Celaria 1 0 0 1  0  0  +0   1   1   1
49                   Schiavonia 1 0 0 1  1  1  +0   1   1   1
50          Crystalline Caverns 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
51                         Eura 1 0 0 1  1  1  +0   1   1   1
52                       Sinyal 1 0 0 1  3  3  +0   1   1   1
53         Terre Septentrionale 1 0 0 1  2  2  +0   1   1   1
54                       Darmen 1 0 0 1  3  3  +0   1   1   1
55                    Torisakia 1 0 1 0  2  3  -1   3   0   0
56                        Tamgu 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
57                    Flardania 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
58               New Karelograd 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
59                      Devonta 1 0 1 0  1  2  -1   3   0   0
60                    Kiryu-shi 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
61            The Aurian Plains 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
62                    Astograth 1 0 1 0  3  4  -1   3   0   0
63                  Geisenfried 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
64                  Farfadillis 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
65                  Grod Island 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
66                      Kelssek 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
67                         Lons 1 0 1 0  1  2  -1   3   0   0
68                      Senayan 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
69                       Everta 1 0 1 0  0  1  -1   3   0   0
70                      Paratan 1 0 1 0  1  3  -2   3   0   0
71                       Tulize 1 0 1 0  1  3  -2   3   0   0
72                      Amurbia 1 0 1 0  0  2  -2   3   0   0
73                   Britonisea 1 0 1 0  1  3  -2   3   0   0
74                      Bolgano 1 0 1 0  1  3  -2   3   0   0
75                     Joshenia 1 0 1 0  0  2  -2   3   0   0
76                Benjamin Mark 1 0 1 0  1  3  -2   3   0   0
77                        Abaja 1 0 1 0  2  4  -2   3   0   0
78                     Krytenia 1 0 1 0  0  2  -2   3   0   0
79                   Velstrania 1 0 1 0  0  2  -2   3   0   0
80             Nooooooooooooooo 1 0 1 0  2  4  -2   3   0   0
81                      Reçueçn 1 0 1 0  0  2  -2   3   0   0
82                    New Saria 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
83                    Kandonica 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
84                    Saintland 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
85                    Lashnakia 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
86           New North Carolina 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
87                     Koyoland 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
88                  Hyundai-Kia 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
89                      Spensar 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
90                       Lavize 1 0 1 0  0  3  -3   3   0   0
91                        Axuva 1 0 1 0  2  6  -4   3   0   0
92                  Flavovespia 1 0 1 0  1  6  -5   3   0   0

Squornshelan Remnant States v. Ko-oren
Santa Regada v. Valladares
Acronius v. Cheetahs & Reptiles Coalison
Mriin v. Cosumar
Eraman v. Beepee
South Covello v. Apox
Saint Émelie v. Baker Park
Damukuni v. San José Guayabal
New Lusitania v. Mattijana
95X v. Rakivland
Banija v. Taeshan
Cartedoria v. St. Saratoga
Oberour Ar Moro v. Hapilopper
Barunia v. Petrisi
Lisander v. Zealandiana
Brenecia v. Polkopia
Cassadaigua v. Libonesia
Ethane v. Port Ember
North Quadana v. Kernovi & Rewgwlas
Starblaydia v. Darmen
The Macabees v. Terre Septentrionale
Lepolanatnessffiria v. Sinyal
Abercontin-Jereaux v. Eura
Ouna v. Crystalline Caverns
Freeport v. Schiavonia
San Félix v. Vakolicci Haven & Celaria
Competitive Solitaire v. Timuria
Torisakia v. Flavovespia
Tamgu v. Axuva
Flardania v. Lavize
New Karelograd v. Spensar
Devonta v. Hyundai-Kia
Kiryu-shi v. Koyoland
The Aurian Plains v. New North Carolina
Astograth v. Lashnakia
Geisenfried v. Saintland
Farfadillis v. Kandonica
Grod Island v. New Saria
Kelssek v. Reçueçn
Lons v. Nooooooooooooooo
Senayan v. Velstrania
Everta v. Krytenia
Paratan v. Abaja
Tulize v. Benjamin Mark
Amurbia v. Joshenia
Britonisea v. Bolgano

THE GROUP NATIONS
These more lucky nations don't have to deal with the bullshit of Casaran, and instead get to have ... "normal" ... qualifying formats. The top two in each group will qualify, so good luck to all! Some of you may need it more than others.

Group 1
In Group 1, nations aren't allowed to tie. All games much reach a winner. Unfortunately, xkoranate will still count penalty matches as draws (as it should, but I can't find a way around it), so I will be editing the points and W/L for affected nations by hand. So help me, God.
Aurevbush 4–0 Western Bjornaic
Quakmybush 3–3 Qasden (4–4 AET) (3–4 pen.)
Schottia 2–1 Siovanija & Teusland
Omerica 6–2 Kavagrad
Nephara 2–0 Bliuji

   no ties allowed! america time!  Pld    W   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Aurevbush                         1    1   0     4    0   +4     3
   Omerica                           1    1   0     6    2   +4     3
 3 Nephara                           1    1   0     2    0   +2     3
 4 Schottia                          1    1   0     2    1   +1     3
 5 Qasden                            1    1   0     4    4    0     3
 6 Quakmybush                        1    0   1     4    4    0     0
 7 Siovanija & Teusland              1    0   1     1    2   −1     0
 8 Bliuji                            1    0   1     0    2   −2     0
 9 Kavagrad                          1    0   1     2    6   −4     0
10 Western Bjornaic                  1    0   1     0    4   −4     0

Group 2
In Group 2, nations aren't allowed to finish a game without scoring a goal. Matchdays in Group 2 will be rescorinated until every team has scored at least 1. Today's batch of matches required: 5 Rescorinations!
Tinhampton 2–1 Equestria
Asdia 5–1 Caras
Starcom Racing 3–3 Mercedini
Darkmania 1–3 Ancherion
Eshan 4–1 Islas Aaland

   score goals! be interesting!  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Asdia                           1    1   0   0     5    1   +4     3
 2 Eshan                           1    1   0   0     4    1   +3     3
 3 Ancherion                       1    1   0   0     3    1   +2     3
 4 Tinhampton                      1    1   0   0     2    1   +1     3
 5 Mercedini                       1    0   1   0     3    3    0     1
 6 Starcom Racing                  1    0   1   0     3    3    0     1
 7 Equestria                       1    0   0   1     1    2   −1     0
 8 Darkmania                       1    0   0   1     1    3   −2     0
 9 Islas Aaland                    1    0   0   1     1    4   −3     0
10 Caras                           1    0   0   1     1    5   −4     0

Group 3
One team gets 0'd. One team gets maxed. Who will be lucky in Group 3? Today, the 0 team is Busoga Islands. The max team is Far Wor Eryunce.
Orestea 2–5 Abanhfleft
Anthor 1–0 Vartugia
Turori 4–3 Kita-Hinode
Mytanija 5–0 San Carlos Islands
Far Wor Eryunce 2–0 Busoga Islands

   MMAB hates this group  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Mytanija                 1    1   0   0     5    0   +5     3
 2 Abanhfleft               1    1   0   0     5    2   +3     3
 3 Far Wor Eryunce          1    1   0   0     2    0   +2     3
 4 Anthor                   1    1   0   0     1    0   +1     3
   Turori                   1    1   0   0     4    3   +1     3
 6 Kita-Hinode              1    0   0   1     3    4   −1     0
 7 Vartugia                 1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0
 8 Busoga Islands           1    0   0   1     0    2   −2     0
 9 Orestea                  1    0   0   1     2    5   −3     0
10 San Carlos Islands       1    0   0   1     0    5   −5     0

Group 4
Everything is normal in Group 4! Except the tiebreakers, which are backwards ... hope you're good playing on the road ...
Sargossa 1–0 Amuaplye
Audioslavia 5–1 Fevhader
The Szcerkina Federacy 0–0 Zwangzug
Tornado Queendom 0–1 Main Nation Ministry
Chromatika 6–2 Balqia

   srekaerbeit sdrawkcab   Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Balqia                    1    0   0   1     2    6   −4     0
 2 Main Nation Ministry      1    1   0   0     1    0   +1     3
 3 Fevhader                  1    0   0   1     1    5   −4     0
 4 Sargossa                  1    1   0   0     1    0   +1     3
 5 Audioslavia               1    1   0   0     5    1   +4     3
   Chromatika                1    1   0   0     6    2   +4     3
 7 The Szcerkina Federacy    1    0   1   0     0    0    0     1
   Zwangzug                  1    0   1   0     0    0    0     1
 9 Tornado Queendom          1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0
10 Amuaplye                  1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0

Group 5
Oh, this is the group where the rank *number*, rather than the KPB value associated with the rank, is used. Sorry FFR. I am nice though, so each rank has been taken to a square root, so make things slightly fairer. We'll see if that works out.
Natanians & Nosts 1–1 HUElavia
West Phoenicia 1–2 Pratapgadh
Savojarna 3–2 Free Republics
Osarius 6–3 Qusmo
Brigantii 1–4 Shatla

   too top heavy!        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Shatla                  1    1   0   0     4    1   +3     3
 2 Osarius                 1    1   0   0     6    3   +3     3
 3 Pratapgadh              1    1   0   0     2    1   +1     3
 4 Savojarna               1    1   0   0     3    2   +1     3
 5 HUElavia                1    0   1   0     1    1    0     1
 6 Natanians & Nosts       1    0   1   0     1    1    0     1
 7 Free Republics          1    0   0   1     2    3   −1     0
 8 West Phoenicia          1    0   0   1     1    2   −1     0
 9 Qusmo                   1    0   0   1     3    6   −3     0
10 Brigantii               1    0   0   1     1    4   −3     0

Group 6
Group 6 is beach day! You're playing beach soccer! Break out the bonfires and sand castles!
Geektopia 9–6 Copper Cuprum
Lochario 7–9 Dreamplanet
Valanora 0–4 The Holy Empire
Xanneria 9–5 Filindostan
Newmanistan 14–0 Ariwana

   fanservice episode!   Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Newmanistan             1    1   0   0    14    0  +14     3
 2 The Holy Empire         1    1   0   0     4    0   +4     3
 3 Xanneria                1    1   0   0     9    5   +4     3
 4 Geektopia               1    1   0   0     9    6   +3     3
 5 Dreamplanet             1    1   0   0     9    7   +2     3
 6 Lochario                1    0   0   1     7    9   −2     0
 7 Copper Cuprum           1    0   0   1     6    9   −3     0
 8 Filindostan             1    0   0   1     5    9   −4     0
 9 Valanora                1    0   0   1     0    4   −4     0
10 Ariwana                 1    0   0   1     0   14  −14     0

Group 7
Group 7 is the triple elimination bracket. I'm scorinating 1 round per matchday, every other matchday (since this'll take almost exactly half as long as the normal qualifying run). This is the opening round, so there's only 3 matches, among the lesser-seeded nations. Enjoy!
Match 1: Togonistan 0–0 PenguinLand (1–0 AET)
Match 2: Euran Oceania Territories 3–2 Friday Freshman
Match 3: Anollasia 0–0 Saciu (1–0 AET)

And that's this set of results! Hope you all enjoyed! The bonus challenge phrase for the next matchday is ... "Strutter"

[Ouna]

THU 01 Aug 2019｜World Cup 83 Qualifiers

Ouna 1 0 Lochario

Lun (44' mins)
HT: 1-0

Ouna surprised everyone by winning their first World Cup Qualifier game today. The unrated Pan-African nation pulled off an upset scoring just before Half Time, and by defending ferociously for the remainder of the game.

An inspired move by Head Coach Laurens Pluim swapped wingers Lun and Essoa to their opposite sides of the pitch and having the players play as inside forwards. This troubled the Lochario defence for the whole of the first half and they were finally broken down just before the half time break.

A wonderful cut inside and looping shot curved into the top right and corner. The shot coming from Lun in a LW position just outside the Lochario penalty area. A great individual goal, however the team played well together.

The team are now 2^nd in their Qroup P Qualifying group.

Ouna Line-up

GK de Beer
LB Fuzo - subbed for Ebo '75
CB Megelink
CB Ebo
RB Ukuxhasa
CM Vedder
CM Van de Vaart - subbed for Essien '62
CM Susi
LW Lun
CF Thandanani
RW Essoa


Match Stats

Possession
Ouna - 39%
Lochario - 61%

Shots
Ouna - 11
Lochario - 9

Shots on Target
Ouna - 2
Lochario - 2

Corners
Ouna - 2
Lochario - 9

Fouls
Ouna - 13
Lochario - 9

Yellow Cards for Ouna - Fuzo ('54)

[Nephara]

Nephara 5 - 3 Orion Islands
(4-4-2) 1 - Swoboda; 18 - Sanger, 5 - Thorn, 22 - Brosch, 19 - Rouphos; 13 - Saroszi (7 - Fanaiyan 76'), 15 - Rosenthal, 21 - Moxham (8 - Klein 66'), 16 - Deventer; 23 - Breremond, 17 - Bastable
Goals: Breremond 3' 59', Moxham 26', Bastable 41', Saroszi 70'

Nike Rouphos clung to people like limpets. "All I'm saying," she said as she fell into step with a towering figure, "is why the fuck would you want a lime in a pie? Pies are savoury, not sweet. Is it like some kind of Insta challenge, or--"
"Yep. Still don't care, Nicki."
"Nike."
"Sure, that too." Cheney Breremond shifted his powerful shoulders, cracked his neck. The sound echoed across the fields in Sabrefell where the training camp had convened, made it all the way to where the new manager, Daniella Strauss, was surveying her troops.
"Yes, thank you, Cheney," she murmured as the others fell in, and they all sized each other up. Her job was easier. She looked at a bunch of rough, burly types festooned with tattoos, hair dyes and unobtrusive piercings. So far, so Nepharim.
For her part? Nepharim managers, certainly for the national team, tended to draw from one of two blueprints; either sturdy, rugged warhorses like Ramsey, Mortlock and Brosque, or compact, angular hawks like Riether, Fegelein and Brandon. Strauss wasn't really in either camp. She was tall, and had been no pushover in her playing days. Retirement had softened her figure pleasantly without dragging her to seed. Her presentation was sleek and femme off the pitch or on the sideline, with dark ruby hair and generally makeup thrown into sharp relief by pale urban skin, but here she was in a weatherbeaten green tracksuit trying to keep the friendly Nepharim winds from buffeting her to death.
She introduced herself to the lads, who watched cautiously, looking for signs of weakness. For a couple, Hawke and Tsattalios, it was no less than the fifth manager they'd seen at this post, as the position once dominated by strong dynasty-formers had become a revolving door. Still, she spoke well, and confidently. Spoke frankly about the failings of the past, and set out a coherent plan for how to overcome them.
"... And that's about everything, I think," she finished off, looking across at mostly impressed faces. "Any questions?"
Tall, statuesque Steelhenge, with her severe case of resting bitch face, cleared her throat. "Rowland. Where is she?"
This set murmurs rippling through the camp.
"Not here, as I'm sure you've all noticed," said Strauss, blandly. "We're to understand she's accepted Eura's-"
The murmurs intensified. Strauss cleared her throat, meaningfully, and waited for them to dissipate. "- accepted Eura's callup. Now, as you may or may not know, the Mathias Precedent established that Nephara could call up naturalised players already capped abroad if there was a significant change of circumstance. Rowland was born and raised in Eura, who only recently started to call up women. She was up-front with me about her intentions, I wished her the best. Estrella has the armband now. The matter's closed. We will all treat Rowland with respect; we will not, Tawny, re-twii the announcement with twenty snake emoji."
It took a moment to sink in. People frowned, knitted their brows, until Konrad Lovelace, an uncapped, fresh-faced blond with the trademark halfway-to-hick Starling accent, raised his hand to break the tension. Strauss could have kissed him. "Boss?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we gonna cultivate a drinking culture, or are we gonna try and destroy the drinking culture? 'Cause the older lads have told me we kind of tend to go from one to the other, boss-to-boss..."
Chuckles spread through the ranks. Strauss laughed, too. "We'll drink when we win, how about that?"

Some time later, under the shelter of a red-brick bunker on the site, the staff warmed up over hot coffee and started plotting.
"Okay, okay." Bryony Johansen, the long-suffering assistant manager who had survived the jettison of her old boss, pinched the bridge of her nose with elegant nails. "Cheney Breremond."
"Yeah, I'm amazed he hasn't been capped yet."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I like his moxie, the spring in his step." Strauss smiled to herself. "He's energetic."
"He's a prick."
"Well, tomayto-tomahto. Anyway, you don't object to Shone. Or Saroszi. Or Deventer. Or--"
"Look, boss, just..." Johansen drew out a long, ragged sigh. "Tell me, is there any scenario in which Breremond starts a World Cup match that doesn't involve a plane crash?"
"Probably not. Why?"
Johansen seized the moment. "So is he really worth it?"
"1-0 down with ten minutes to play in the Final? Yes, I think he is. Besides, a bit of well-maintained mongrel in the team's what the Cormorants are all about no?"
Johansen stared across at her, despairingly. "I swear to God, Aidan said those exact same words to me..."
"And he couldn't handle the monster he'd created. I? Can. Now, come on." Strauss clicked her fingers, and motioned for her assistant to follow. "We've got scouting to catch up on. The Islands aren't gonna be a pushover, you know."

For all the booming talk before the match that the Cormorants were going to treat Corvistone to a massacre, optimism was strangely low in the stands, and the turnout unimpressive. There were only so many times you could watch a team sail through qualifying only to come unstuck at the main event, and the Islands weren't the kind of drawcard that would reach out to what was, at this stage, barely even a Nepharim city.
Still, twenty thousand came out. And they were treated to... something. Even if that something wasn't the greatest audition from their defenders.
It started well. It started perfectly, with Cheney Breremond breaking clear, played through by the canny Bastable, taking the ball in stride and tucking away the shot neatly. But poor defending on a free kick levelled the scores just four minutes later, Swoboda uncharacteristically dithering on his line, and when the Cormorants pressed higher, tried to constrict the pitch as Strauss had told them, a few well-taken passes put through a forward, who put the ball through Swoboda. Not the finest day for a normally rock-solid goalkeeper, who had the too-intense stare of Mercator burning a hole in his back.
The crowd was silent. Strauss was confident.
And then began the comeback.
Chimera Moxham, who perhaps would have been rested on other days, relished the space she found herself in. She found an opening, tried her luck, and slammed the ball into the top corner from from distance. They kept hammering on the door, and it was Kurtis Bastable who found a way through, a forceful angled header. Then in the second half, Breremond found his brace after monstering through two defenders, tore off his shirt and leapt into the crowd, a brace on his first appearance. He found the assist for Saroszi soon after, when he drifted out right and they drifted inside, drilling a cross through the defence that they tapped home, and all jeopardy went out of the game with a relief. Even a late Islander penalty could afford to just be a novelty. And they would improve, against stronger opposition.
They'd have to.

[The Sarian]

Not for the first time, Tilly sat thinking about The Doom. She didn’t really understand it. She didn’t even really know when the Doom happened. There were people who lived through the Doom, and people who speak about it like it was several generations ago. Whenever she tried to find out, she’d get the answer and end up knowing nothing more. No matter how hard she racked her brain, she couldn’t remember the writing on the Wikipedia article which said the answer. But she could remember the answer. The problem was, the answer was impossible. The doom happened three hundred years ago, the doom happened to her grandmother, the doom happened to her twenty-year old next door neighbour. It wasn’t possible, but it made sense. And to Tilly, that didn’t make any sense.

“Oi, Tilly are you even paying attention”. And with the rude interruption of her Team Manager, Tilly was back to reality.

“Sorry Coach, I was just thinking about the Doom.”

“Well, if you don’t start focusing on your football quickly they’ll be a whole new doom on the pitch.”

Tilly gave a nervous chuckle, her manager wasn’t particularly funny but she figured it wouldn’t hurt her chances of making the team if she pretended otherwise, “Sorry. Hey Rose, when did the Doom even happen?”

“Oh it was ---, now will you pay attention. Guarantee the Kelssek team aren’t having pop quizzes during their tactical briefing.”

There it was again, the words of the answer forgotten as soon they were uttered. But the answer given still entering her brain and still making sense. How could everything be right at the same time? Tilly tried repeating the answer out loud. Words came out of her mouth, but she didn’t know which words. She knew what she had communicated though: everything. And the more she thought about it, the less she understood. She shook her head, the Coach was right; football was way more simple than this.

***
It was the 89th minute, and New Saria were losing. Nobody expected any different, but it was still deflating. Tilly would never admit it out loud, but she constantly dreamed of the impossible happening and New Saria setting the multiverse alight. She knew the rest of the girls did to. Truth be told, Tilly hadn’t had a good game. She was too distracted, her head filled with wondering how something could be everything.

“TILLY IT’S YOURS”

And there she was, distracted again. She was late jumping for the cross from Brayden Custworth and tried to tilt back to compensate. She heard a thundering crack as her head collided with the goal post and everything went black.

***
“Ah finally Miss Yorke. You took your time.”

Tilly opened her eyes and looked at the odd thing standing over her. Simultaneously, she saw an old man with a monocle and a young baby girl, complete with pacifier. She saw her father, her ex-girlfriend and a sentient pony. The thing was everything.

“Who are you? Where am I?”

The thing gave her a queer look, like she was asking a stupid question. Within a blink, the look had disappeared and was replaced with a jaunty smile. “I’m a Guardian of your Multiverse. And this is my pissroom, would you like some?”

The thing was sitting at a table, laid out for a cream tea. Tilly blinked, she swore it was standing over her when it started answering the question and she hadn’t seen it move. And then, wait did it say piss? “What the fuck? No.”

The thing looked confused again, within a second it was peering down at a thick black binder which had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. It poured through it before looking back up at Tilly. When the thing answered, it was like no time had passed, “Ah, we’re getting a bit confused with different timelines here. It’s been a long day. Want some tea?” The thing picked up an old china tea point, and guestered for Tilly to sit opposite him.

“So that’s not piss?”


“No, it was piss but now it’s tea.”

“That’s still gross, I’m not drinking piss tea”

“This here is not piss, this here has never been piss. There was piss, but that piss has now never existed and now there is tea. Honestly, no matter how long I deal with people from you dimension they never seem to understand it. Of course, I don’t experience time?”

Hesitantly, Tilly took a sip. It was tea. “You don’t experience time?”

“Not in this dimension. My whole existence is both an instance and an eternity. Pretty cool when you think about it. And you have been thinking about it haven’t you?”


“Your existence?”

“No, everything. Ready to know the answers?”

[Port Ember]

Port Ember Times

The Tridents Causes a Stir With a Historic Draw

Port Ember 3 - 3 Chromatika

By Erica Davies - Port Ember Times Sports Section

The Tridents have caused a stir in the footballing world when they managed to draw against the strong Chromatika side this friday. A mere draw in itself does not sound like a reaon to celebrate, but when considering the fact that Chromatika is a team who is ranked 139 spots higher than us, with centuries worth of experience, this is surely a large accomplishment, especially since all analysts and bookies have predicted that Port Ember would be smashed on the field.

The Game

The Chromatika team kicked off the game and immediately looked impressive. Despite the obvious drama between this team and its political challenges back home, they made it clear that they are still a world class team.

The Chromatika side maintained possession and kept farming for holes and oppertunities in the Port Emberian half, refusing to push hard on offense, clearly carefull of the famous Port Emberian 'Bait Attack', yet never losing possession to the constant pressure of the Port Emberian defence, clearly displaying a impressive and balanced play between offense and defence.

The first oppertunity came in the 18th minute when the Tridents allowed a hole to open in their defence, which was created by #9 Jazmin Dragana. As the defece tried to shut her down, she passed through the gap, putting their striker Kaytlyn Victoriane in space, placing the ball deep into the left corner of the net, catching keeper Peter Smith offguard.

This goal seemed to set fire to the Chromatika side as they started pushing a lot harder on the offense, making the Port Emberian defence work extra hard. This peruod saw star striker Keira Andisori work especially hard, desperately pushing for a goal, attempting to score her 100th total goal. This was not to be today as the Port Emberians focussed almost all of their energy on shuttimg her down, sometimes with 3 defenders rushing her when she gained possession! It was clear that the Tridents refused to allow her to obtain such a glory against them as they focussed almost solely on her, which caused a gap in the defence, allowing midfielder Mimi Kuzami to score an almost unopposed goal when she was put into space by Jazmin Dragana in minute 38.

The first half ended with the Tridents trailing 2-0. The Tridents were clearly frustrated by not getting an attacking oppertunity.

The second half commenced with Chromatika commencing their attack, looking more aggressive than before, which led to yet another goal in minute 53 from a corner kick leading to a great header goal from midfielder Molly Thorben. Port Ember was now trailing 3-0 and the predicted thrashing seemed to unfold into reality.

However the frustrated and exhuasted striker Keira Andisori was subbed - without obtaining her 100th goal, and immediately the Trident's backlime recovered by defending well and no longer focussing on a single player.

In minute 65 the Port Emberians were looking like a new team when a over committed attack from Chromatika faltered and the massive counter attack led to Port Ember's first goal by striker Danny Nicovic.

By now Port Ember continued attacking, applying constant pressure on their opponents, who was clearly tired by now. The Tridents used their superior fitness and youth to their advantage by launching attack afterattavk on their opponents, which paid of in minutes 76 and 88 with Danny scoring his hatrick, miraciously drawing the two teams equal.

Overall it was a fantastic and exciting game which saw Port Ember come back from certain defeat.

The Fans

The massive Waterstad International Stadium's 94,736 seats were fully packed to the brim, with a large turnout from both Port Emberian and Chromatika fans.

The Chromatika fans were clearly happy that their team has resumed playing after a long hiatus and were a loud spirited bunch, yet very well mannered. The Port Emberian fans were a bit more uncivilised, constantly booing the opposition and singing when Port Ember scored.


Port Emberian Player Scores

Goalkeeper (GK)(#1): Peter Smith - 7/10. The talented and much loved keeper had a tough day against world class strikers, and managed to stop 8 of 11 shots at goal.

Center Back (CB)(#2): Josh Richards - 6/10. Struggled uder pressure in the first half and was overwhelmed by the aggressive offence. Came back to life in the second half and established a proper iron wall of defence, using his superior strength and fitness to dominate the attackers.

Center Back (CB)(#3): Jason Lee. 7/10. The Prince of the backline was forced to work extra hard to manage the constant offensive onslaught. Although excellent teamplay and coordination from the opponents almost neatralised him in the first half, he still worked hard to stop many scoring oppertunities. He can hold his head high after a hard worked battle.

Full Back (LB)(#4): Alex Kuhn - 6/10. Although displaying his excellent technical skills in the second half, was overwhelmed in the first half, forcing Jason Lee to do his work as well.

Full Back (RB)(#5): Russel Pierce - 6/10. Seemed to be the weaklink in the iron wall, being targeted routinely by the opponents offence. Managed to be rebirthed in the second half, however his frustration started to show by becoming increasingly physical in his tackles. Its a wonder that he did not receive a yellow card.

Attacking Midfield (AM)(#10): Raymond Reddington - 8/10. The captain again proved his worth on the field (as he has consistently done since the start of the league). From defence, organising the back line, offense and setting up attacks for his strikers, the lad was everywhere on the field. Pretty sure the match would be lost if not for his organising skills.

Defensive Midfield (DM)(#6): Steven Packard - 7/10. Was instrumental in retaining possession in the second half, ending the domination suffered in the first half.

Wide Midfield (LM)(#8): Jason Chamberlain - 7/10. Capitalised well against the tiring oponents in the second half, creating gaps in the left flank of the opponents defence time and again.

Wide Midfield (RM)(#11): Steve Rogers - 7/10. Managed to shut down counter attacks from the flanks regularly. Was Instrumental in turning the tide in the second half.

Central Forward (CF)(#7): Leon Moult - 8/10. Although not scoring, his keen eye and fitness combined with his chemistry with he rest of the game allowed him to assist in all three goals being scored from Port Ember. Frustrated the opponents defence endlessly.

Central Forward (CF)(#9): Danny Nicovic 9/10. The hero of the match, scoring the hatrick which clinched the unthinkable draw result. Managed to play a full passionate game for 90 minutes, displaying his superior fitness. Well deserved Man of the Match award.

Match Stats

Goals - Port Ember: 3 - Danny Nicovic x 3 (65)(76)(88)
Goals - Chromatika: 3 - Kaytlyn Victoriane (18); Mimi Kuzami (38); Molly Thorben (53)
Man of the Match - Port Ember: Danny Nicovic
Player of the Match - Chromatika: Jazmin Dragana

Aftermatch word from the Coach

"I am delighted with our result today. Indeed we did not win, but we managed to play our hearts out. We have nothing to be ashamed off, and we have proven that we can go head to head with a world class team. I wish to thank the Chromatika side for putting up such a insanely good fight - you girls rock. We have definitely learned a lot bh playing you today!" Coach Baxter

[Brenecia]

Islas Aaland 0 - 4 Brenecia
(4-4-2) 20 - Farrell; 18 - Weaver, 5 - Heneghan, 22 - Horgan, 19 - Prentice (3 - Tambor 61'); 15 - Cheney (7 - Crowther 76'), 21 - Case (4 - Alweather 71'), 8 - Matheson, 16 - Fletcher; 9 - Riordan, 23 - Carrick
Goals: Carrick 29', Cheney 36', Horgan 44', Riordan 67'

Follows on from...
Part 1

Clarisse Ward, Prime Minister of Brenecia, slumped back in her chair. "Play it again, Monroe."
"Right, ma'am." The aide hit the right button on the big screen, and the footage played again. Vesuvia Carrick, half-breed between nations, in Brenecia's white away kit. Returned to the fold of her ancestors' land. A Nepharim opportunist, about to reveal her allegiances frame-by-frame.
She scored a goal. Carrick scored plenty of goals; hence her presence. This was not the part Ward was interested in.
Then she took off her shirt, and draped over the navy thermals was another shirt, in purple - Catherine Bardsley's hated purple - that bore a simple message. #FuckWard.
The stadium liked what it saw.
Ward heard the sycophant over her shoulder start blustering. "An outrage! We must have her expelled from the team, at once!"
"Mm. No, one has to pick one's battles, Boland. They think we're heavy-handed enough."
"We are heavy-handed," said the other, Kerr, a blocky and unremarkable-looking man and an invaluable advisor. "Ma'am, it's Rozelle. Rozelle is far too gilded to understand our message, Westpike still feels attached to the west - we were never going to win seats in either place. The crowd's support is meaningless."
"Even so, she's- she's wearing our shirt! Our badge! That's our cross!"
"Actually, I think it was Fletcher's cross."
"Yes, thank you, Monroe, you are excused," said Ward, firmly. The aide bowed, and saw himself out.
"Anyway. Now that the clowns have been shooed out..."
Kerr's eyes flicked towards Boland. Just for a second. Just for Ward to catch.
"We're still on-track to crush the Progressives," thundered Boland. "Brenecia as a whole appreciates your iron hand, ma'am."
"Is it really the Progressives we have to be worried about? It's not a red shirt Carrick was wearing," said Ward, sharply.
"Yes, well, they are the Opposition..."
"They might not be for long," said Kerr, gravely. "And Carrick might not be the only Nepharim in their pocket."
That caught Ward's attention. "Really, now."
Boland huffed. "We already mentioned Westpi-"
"Boland, you are excused."
"I... I... oh. Right." The dear old man collected himself, and shuffled out.
Kerr stood up, and took up the seat the opposite side of Ward's chair, shuffling it closer. Its gnarled legs ground and scraped against the wooden floor. And Ward leaned in closer, steepling her hands under her chin.
"Tell me more."

Lindbeck draped her legs over the table, as was her deeply annoying custom. "It's nothing to worry about."
"It's everything to worry about," Monaghan seethed.
"Please. You're getting worried over a little Twii? It's just a dog-whistle, another label. 'Corvistone wants a big #LDR win on #BRElectionDay - don't let them get it', like, ooh, no, scary big Nephara's backing my opponent-"
"Nephara IS backing her opponent!"
"Well, they don't know that." Maher chomped down on an apple, then grimaced. "Eugh."
"And you know this, how?"
"We've got connections embedded in Rozelle. Deep," Lindbeck assured her. "Deep enough? All the way to knowing what Ward's thinking?"
Lindbeck hesitated for a moment that would play on Monaghan's mind for days. "If they knew what was going on here, believe me. She'd take action, and my people would know. And then we'd know."
"And what happens then?" Monaghan pressed.
"We take steps. Cass - my Cass - has her orders." Lindbeck's smile came too easily for comfort. Monaghan would dwell on that, as well.

[The Authoritarian Republic of Lochario]

FAILURE AGAINST OUNA. THE FEDERATION IS MAD!

Yesterday the Locharian national team played an away match against OUNA and sensationally lost 1-0! After the match the players were blaming themselves for not performing well and the coach said this :


“This must have been the worst match in my entire coaching career for this nation. We can't continue playing like cowards! We have to concentrate and play like we've played during the AOCAF match against Freeport. We have to give all our power to the opponents and not continue screwing up like this! I'm disappointed in my team ;(“


The next match is tomorrow and the fans are hoping for a much better result.

[Dreamplanet]

STARTING WITH A DEMOLITION

Luis Silva bags a hattrick to match Dreamplanet's largest margin of victory

The always-demanding Dreamplanetian crowd was in full force, even away from home and they would have much to celebrate when Dreamplanet kicked off their World Cup 83 qualifying campaign with a 6-2 demolition of Western Bjornaic in a 4 goal margin of victory, tied for the biggest margins of victory that Dreamplanet has ever had, the perpetrator as always was Luis Silva with a hattrick that launched Mission WC83.

The match started well early for Dreamplanet, overflowing in confidence and in attacks, Luis Silva was able to open the scoring in 5 minutes after heading in a Miguel Benedito cross, although there are some doubts whether Benedito had gotten his hand to the ball to intercept a Western Bjornaic through ball before moving up the field and crossing the ball, the Bjornaics were very upset but the referee saw nothing wrong with the move. Paulo Figueiredo would double the lead in the 14th minute with a tap-in when Miguel Benedito's longshot was deflected by Eddiy Makchalov, it had been a frustrating half for Western Bjornaic as their 2 conceded goals were either illegal or mistakes, they would push on to try to get goals of their own and ease the tension from their mistakes, however they were unable to get through Filipe Vaz and the Dreamplanetian defence, Luis Silva would get his brace in the 41st minute following a counter attack, Filipe Vaz had collected the ball from a Western Bjornaic corner, threw it straight at Miguel Benedito who passed it to Luis Silva, clear on goal, he rounded the goalkeeper and slotted Dreamplanet's 3rd to close out the half.

The second half saw a rejuvenated Western Bjornaic, Erin Macheda would get a goal back for the hosts with a longshot that Luis Silva almost got a hand to, but just couldn't keep it out, Macheda would get his second 13 minutes later, heading in a corner and the natives were ecstatic as they were back in the game. That was until Miguel Benedito had enough, after Luis Silva had a free kick, everyone expected him to shoot, when he passed to Miguel Benedito, the goalkeeper stumbled to the ground as he was preparing to dive for the free kick but didn't see Miguel Benedito's shot coming, it flew past the defence and the stumbling goalkeeper to give Dreamplanet a 4-2 lead, Luis Silva would get his hattrick in the 80th minute after Aaron Hungar's corner was headed in his direction, Luis Silva stuck his foot out for the 5-2. When Dreamplanet's 3 points were confirmed, Aaron Hungar gave the 4 goal margin with a penalty after Western Bjornaic's very own handball, Dreamplanet had started out in the best way they could've hoped, with a win and now they were on top of the table.

It won't be easy for Dreamplanet next match as they face 2 time World Champions and 3 time runner-ups Eura, it will be an honour to receive them in the Apex Arena after their 2-1 win over Torisakia, Ko-oren will be another tough match immediately after, their defensive style of play will be the antithesis to our attacking-till-we-die mentality that has been present since day 1, this doubleheader will determine who gets into the World Cup and Os Tricores must be in legendary shape to take on these mammoths, they will need to remember how they made the nation proud in the Campionato Esportiva and repeat it, for country and for glory.

Western Bjornaic 2 - 6 Dreamplanet
(Erin Macheda 55', 68' - 5', 41', 80' Luis Silva, 14' Paulo Figueiredo, 72' Miguel Benedito, 90+2' (pen.) Aaron Hungar)
Western Bjornaic

Fixtures:
August 1st - MD1: Western Bjornaic 2-6 Dreamplanet
August 2nd - MD2: Dreamplanet vs Eura 
August 4th - MD3: Ko-oren vs Dreamplanet
August 5th - MD4: Torisakia vs Dreamplanet
August 6th - MD5: Dreamplanet vs Flavovespia
August 9th - MD6: Bye
August 10th - MD7: Dreamplanet vs Freeport
August 12th - MD8: Dreamplanet vs Western Bjornaic
August 13th - MD9: Eura vs Dreamplanet
August 14th - MD10: Dreamplanet vs Ko-oren
August 16th - MD11: Dreamplanet vs Torisakia
August 17th - MD12: Flavovespia vs Dreamplanet
August 19th - MD13: Bye
August 21st - MD14: Freeport vs Dreamplanet

[Joshenia]

THE MANAGERS TAKE
By Swen Schultz

I would like to first thank all the Joshenians that traveled to Pius Desurongcrandis to cheer on the national team when we faced the Pius Desurongcrandisians national football. Without our fans I believe we wouldn't have gotten those 3 goals in the first half. The first half was brilliant, we attacked and kept the pressure on their defence. We got 2 beautiful goals from Oradinho and another from Sebastian Baum to put us in the lead. I was happy as manager that the team was beating our opponent in their own homegrown. It is pretty embarrassing to be losing 0-3 at home and the Pius Desurongcrandisians came back after halftime with the desire to avoid a home defeat. We had outplayed them in the first half and boys got complacent. All three Pius Desurongcrandis goals came due to the mistakes of the Joshenian defence. The mistakes were sloppy and the team will be working on improving that in training so that we avoid silly mistakes that would cost us games.
Now about our next much against Kita-Hinode. As you all know Kita-Hinode are favourites to qualify, they may have slipped up against Spensar but I believe they will rise up again. I just don't want them to rise up against us. The boys are working hard to avoid any silly mistakes and we have also being analyzing the Spensar--Kita-Hinode game. We have every chance of winning against them but to do so we must respect them and not fear them. Moreover we will be playing on home soil and I just want to ask the fans to give the Kita-Hinode national team hell, put fear in them so that our national team can beat them. Let me emphasize this, Kita-Hinode are a giant with lots more experience in the competition , they have 2 world cups to their name and this team may have met so many opposition fans so everyone as a country will have to work hard to beat this giant together. If the nation of Spensar who ranked 312 could beat a Kita-Hinode ranked 24, for sure our 90th ranked national team can beat them.

[Port Ember]

Port Ember Times

The Tridents prepares to face off against Competetive Solitaire

Pre Match Analysis & Interview

By Erica Davies - Port Ember Times Sports Section

Port Ember will face off against Competetive Solitaire in their second match of the World Cup Qualifier run this Friday, to be played in their opponent's home stadium.

Team Stats Analysis

Competitive Solitaire:

This team has played 1 match so far as part of the World Cup Qualifier Run, which they lost against Euran Oceania Territories 2-1, a team which is ranked lower then them. This is traditionally a strong team with decades of experience and is ranked as the 69th best team in the world.

Port Ember:

This team has played 11 total international matches so far, of which they won 9 matches, drew 1 and lost 1 match. Their last match was played as part of the Qualifier run, where they managed to draw against a strong Chromatika side. The Tridents is currently ranked as the 186th best team in the world.

From a pure statistics point of view, Port Ember will have yet another extremely difficult game ahead of them, as their opponents have decades more experience, and is ranked 117 spots below their opponents. However the Port Emberians has momentum behind them, as they are still fresh from their impressive run in the Baptism of Fire League, and their impressive draw against Chromatika, a game in which everyone believed Port Ember would be destroyed in, whereas their opponents have just suffered a loss against a weaker opponent.

Team Analysis - Port Ember

Offense: The technical offensive skills of the team is on suberb form. The chemistry between their starting striker duo and their midfield creates amazing attacking oppertunities. Also their signature 'Bait Ambush' tactic is still a highly effective tactic, proven to be effective at this level of football.

Midfield: Arguably the strongest component of this team, under command of the amazing Reddington. The midfield plays a perfect balance between organising the defence, and creating oppertunities for attack.

Defence: The backline has grew into a true iron wall of defence. They have howevered shown some cracks when put under constant pressure in their last matches, and will need some work leading up to the physical upcoming match.

Goalkeeping: Analysts have nothing but praise for Peter Smith the starting goalie. The young man is a legend in the making.

Substitutes: The team has a impressive line-up of substitutes, whom have received field time recently, adding possible depth to the team when needed. The extra attentiom they have received from the assistant coach is sure to play a important role aswell.

Team Morale & Cohesion: The 4 year youth program is paying of dividends, as the team has excellent cohesion and on-the-field chemistry. The last match against Chromatika, where a team with decades of experience have placed immense pressure on them, and the team have still managed to remain united and finish with a draw, is proof that they are a unified team.

Current Form:The team is on great form, drawing their last match against an opponent of which the entire world believed would decimate them.

Typical Gameplan: Their typical system of tiring out and frustrating their opponents in an attempt to pull their 'Bait Ambush' is a risky play which can easily go wrong and concede a goal. However when it works, it is highly effective, and so far this is still effective on this level so far.

Starting Line-Ups

Port Ember

Goalkeeper (GK)(#1): Peter Smith.

Center Back (CB)(#2): Josh Richards.

Center Back (CB)(#3): Jason Lee.

Full Back (LB)(#4): Alex Kuhn.

Full Back (RB)(#5): Russel Pierce.

Attacking Midfield (AM)(#10): Raymond Reddington.

Defensive Midfield (DM)(#6): Steven Packard.

Wide Midfield (LM)(#8): Jason Chamberlain

Wide Midfield (RM)(#11): Steve Rogers.

Central Forward (CF)(#7): Leon Moult.

Central Forward (CF)(#9): Danny Nicovic.

Team Kit

The team have announced that they will play with their main kit in their upcoming match.

Pre Match Interview with Port Emberian Coach - Stuart Baxter

Erica Davies: Morning Coach. Congratulations on your previous draw against a team who was predicted to decimate you! It surely is a great day for the fledgeling sport and is surely grabbing interest from the nation.

Stuart Baxter: Morning Erica, thank you! Indeed the team has worked very hard to get this far. The boys are turning into men, and the nation has good reason to be proud of them, and is learning not to count us out, no matter how bad the situation is looking like.

Erica Davies: Are you worried about the next game?

Stuart Baxter: Hell yes I am! Our oponents is a brilliant team who always plays their heart out on the field. They are ranked that high for a reason.

The only thing I know for certain is, that whomever wil win tomorow, would have to play as if they are demon possessed. So whoever wins, will most probaly end up with a bloody nose in the process. A foresee a war on the field tomorow. We will be playing like its our last day alive.

Erica Davies: So for the next game, any changes in your gameplan, based on your opponents play?

Stuart Baxter: There is obviously a weakness or two which I have noticed from the other team, which we will hammer upon, but we will not change our overall play, besides fixing a mistake or two which we have noticed in our previous match.

Erica Davies: Good awnser! Lastly, prediction for the upcoming match?

Stuart Baxter: Simply put - its going to be all out war. You do not want to miss that game!

[Timuria]

Hard Fought Draw Opens Qualification Campaign

by Tufan Nursultan

Timuria 1-1 Kavagrad
Vatan Ercetin (57);Kavagrad #9 (49)

The national team opened their World Cup campaign in front of an excited crowd at the Manat School Sports Centre in the capital Demir with a surprising and well earned draw against Kavagrad who were in the third pot of the draw for the qualification campaign. The draw has delivered some much needed optimism to the national team's camp as they look ahead to a challenging group.

The early period of the match betrayed the nervousness that clearly plagued the national team, rather understandably as it was their first match in front of a home crowd. An early shot by Ertan Renda did a lot to settle the nerves of the team, fizzing by the right post as the national team got an early opportunity to shock their more established opponents. The Kavagradian attack didn't allow Saban Inekci an easy return to international competition, threatening his goal twice in quick succession in the 27th and 29th minute. Halftime arrived shortly after a Vatan Ercetin header from a corner hit the bar.

Following the kick off at the beginning of the second half, Eyup Mustafa got a yellow card, perhaps rather fortunately as he elbowed an opposition player in the head as he challenged aerially for the ball. Then followed a goal for Kavagrad scored from a penalty conceded by left back Ozbek Sarikaya. The Kavagradian forward slotted the ball past Saban Inekci opening the scoring. Vatan Ercetin then leveled the scores with an impressively well placed effort from just past the penalty spot. Then came a period of relative dominance for the national team, with 3 very good saves forced from the goalkeeper of the opposing team. The game would peter out as a slight slug fest, with several fouls conceded by both sides as the fine evening's play came to a close with a well earned draw for both sides.

Elsewhere in the group, 95X were surprised by a capable Lavize team in a 2-2 draw and Valanora showed their greater class with a 5-2 victory away to Balqia.

What they said after the game:

Bekir Altingunes: "We're taking it one game at a time, anything can happen in a given match so even though this is maybe a better result than we anticipated and a better performance, we're not going to take anything for granted. We'll be back to the training ground after a little bit of rest."

Vatan Ercetin: "It was great to get the goal that won the point today and to get our first ever world cup qualifier goal, we're just looking forward to testing ourselves against all of the teams in our group and seeing where we stack up. Like the manager says, it's one game at a time."

Player Ratings:

1. Saban Inekci 6/10 - The starting goalkeeper made his return to the international stage with a solid performance, nothing that he could control went wrong and it looks as if the concussion hasn't had any effects on his ability between the sticks.

2. Ozbek Sarikaya 6/10 - Conceded the penalty that opened the scoring, but this was an otherwise very solid performance for a player who has found his feet in the squad.

3. Eyup Mustafa 6/10 - He was substituted due to repeated fouling and the fact he already had a yellow card to his name. He was overzealous tonight in his first night as the designated long term starter, but things will get better.

4. Osman Hasanoglu 7/10 - The best performer in the defence as usual, he looked in command and was rarely troubled.

5. Gokdeniz Dag 6/10 - A dull day for the right-back, he was rarely in any great trouble, but he didn't excel either.

6. Atilla Acar 6/10 - The energetic midfielder struggled to make a significant mark in the game, resulting in his switch for Hakan Diren, but no one will be unhappy with his performance.

7. Tayyar Ozel 6/10 - While he didn't create lots of trouble, he was a slight nuisance. Nothing to write home about.

8. Yusuf Ihsanoglu 6/10 - Yusuf also had some struggles in this game, but held his own well enough.

9. Caner Turan 7/10 - Taking his opportunity to start seriously, he was a constant thorn in the side of the opposing defence and contributed several key crosses and passes.

10. Ertan Renda 7/10 - The attacking midfielder once again showed his "get the job done" mentality with a combative and capable performance.

11. Vatan Ercetin 8/10 - The strikers excellent goals to game ratio will remain excellent after her grabbed a well earned goal and man of the match honours.

Substitutes:

13. Metin Boz 6/10 - Came on to see out the game in case Eyup got a second yellow card. Held his own.

17. Hakan Diren 6/10 - Was brought on to provide a spark in midfield but decisively struggled.

14. Ismail Burhan 6/10 - Given a chance to show he can be effective relief for Vatan Ercetin after his seeming relegation to third choice. Wont have done his chances much harm, but wont have helped very much.

Man of the Match:

Vatan Ercetin - He got the goal, he threatened the opposition goal consistently and is very much the number 1 striker.

In terms of our promotion, fortunately for the national team (and unfortunately for our editorial staff's reputation and our reader's wallets) they were incorrect for the first result with the national team already outperforming some expectations.

Schedule and editor's predictions with the results so far:
MD1: vs Kavagrad, Manat School Sports Centre, L 0-2, Result: D 1-1
MD2: @ Kiryu-shi, W 1-0
MD3: Bye
MD4: vs 95X, Tim-Enerji Park, L 0-3
MD5: @ Balqia D 2-2
MD6: vs Valanora, Hisar School Field of Excellence, L 1-4
MD7: @ Lavize D 1-1
MD8: @ Kavagrad L 1-3
MD9: vs Kiryu-shi, Maden-Is Stadium W 2-0
MD10: Bye
MD11: @ 95X L 0-4
MD12: vs Balqia, Manat School Sports Centre D 1-1
MD13: @ Valanora L 0-4
MD14: vs Lavize, Belediye Park W 1-0

Total points won: 0

[Polkopia]

Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 (Part 1) • Chapter 4 (Part 2) • Chapter 5 (Part 1) • Chapter 5 (Part 2) • Chapter 6

The following passages are taken directly from Polkopian author, Yakub Orvin's novel, Pelyučidnost', in which he describes the novel as a sort of a revitalization of the "golden age" of Polkopian literature dating back to the 18th century. By releasing the novel to the public, Orvin hopes to grow his international fanbase, as well as showcase the "hidden treasure" of Polkopian literature to the multiverse.

---

07. Daarius

"Lord Diga and his daughter are due to arrive at any given moment. I trust that all necessary arrangements have been taken in order to ensure the satisfaction of Lord Amaraas Vladimirovich and his daughter?" Daarius walked along the empty corridor in the Brankovskiy Palace, surrounded by his most trusted advisors.

Your holiness, all measures have been taken in order to uphold the beauty and grace that our Brankovskiy has to offer the bride-to-be and her family." Mikhail said, bowing his head slightly and looking at the floor as he spoke as he often did when addressing the King.

"But," Lord Aleksandr Sheshkin interrupted, "Do know that Brankava and its surrounding lands are running dangerously low on provisions after their necessary contribution to the crown. I trust we can ensure the King to provide Brankava with sufficient supplies in order to endure this winter to come?"

King Daarius stopped in his tracks and placed a meaty hand on Lord Sheshkin's shoulder. "My friend," he began, "all eleven Polkopian states and the other territories have all contributed their fair share to this event. Should Brankava's contribution leave it unable to prepare for the winter, then I can only assume the fault lies with not the meager quantities of furs and grain that were given to the capital in order to secure the succession stability, but the leadership in failing to adhere to the quotas that have been strictly enforced by the crown for generations. It is my duty as your friend and your superior to remind you that these quotas are set in place for good reason, and failure to abide by such can only bring ruin to the kingdom. Never again will you trifle me with matters of which are entirely out of my concern or I can only assume you are not fit to rule the lands which have graciously been bestowed upon your family."

The silence in the room was tangible as all of the men stared at Lord Sheshkin who could only nod in agreement. "Yes, your holiness."

Daarius clapped his hands together and laughed. "Good! If all arrangements are in order then, I propose we drink to the safe arrival of Lord Amaraas Vladimirovich and his family to the proudest city in this great kingdom."

Daarius ventured down the corridor followed by the other men who walked behind him like sheep following their shepherd, and into the palace tavern and proceeded to drink spirits with his band of domesticated loyalists.

That evening, Daarius was informed that Lord Diga was to arrive at any given moment and he proceeded to hurry down and await the arrival of the carriage with his wife, the Queen Ekaterina of Polkopia, and his four sons who stood in a horizontal line adjacent to the Queen. The Koročniy lined the perimeter of the dirt road before the palace and were all decorated in extravagant gold and silver uniforms, some with blue and red ribbons to signal achievements and honors awarded to them in their lifetime. Daarius stared at them from above, satisfied that the order to replace the Koročniy's white fur-laced caps had been carried out and that the men looked clean and orderly before Lord Diga's arrival.

The massive black stallions rounded the corner and the Daarius saw the carriage come into view. He looked past his wife and at Aleksis, his second-oldest son who was set to marry this girl and gave a curt nod. When the horses stopped in front of the palace steps, Daarius slowly made his way down the steps and watched as one of the members of the Koročniy walked over and opened the door to the carriage. Amaaras stepped out of the carriage first, followed by the Lady Giovanna Diga, and finally, Fiora Diga stepped out of the carriage wearing an enormous white gown, trimmed with the dark maroon color of her hometown. Her gown trailed behind her, and Daarius watched as Fiora gracefully moved up the palace steps to greet him while her family watched. Upon approaching the King, she stopped in her tracks and smiled up at him, before looking back down and curtseying. "Your holiness." She said, keeping her eyes on the ground.

"Look up at me, child. Let me have a good look at you." Daario said softly, and Fiora did as she was told. Daarius eyed the girl's facial features and looked back at his family, who were still waiting atop the steps. At this moment, Aleksis began to confidently walk down the steps to meet his bride-to-be for the first time. Daarius stepped to the side so Aleksis could stand directly in front of Fiora.

Aleksis immediately took the girl's hand and firmly grasped it in both of his. "My lady," he began, "there are no words to express how delighted I am to see you in good health."

Fiora smiled. "You are too kind, my Prince. I am happy to be received by your Grace in this beautiful city."

Aleksis smiled but said nothing more. Daarius watched as his son looked around at Lord and Lady Diga, and then back to Fiora, and then at the Koročniy, yet said nothing. Daarius watched Fiora's eyes start to wander off during this moment of silence and he decided to break it off.

"Well then!" He clapped his hands together, startling the young prince, "Enough of these formalities! Amaraas Vladimirovich, come inside! We have much to discuss!" The King waited for Lord Diga to approach him before turning around and proceeding inside the palace.

"Melva!" Daarius called to his personal servant who was surely waiting inside the main hall for him, "won't you fetch us each a jar of Dravelian vodka?" His commanding voice echoed throughout the room and he heard the pitter patter of bare feet across marble floor of the palace.

[The Macabees]

THE WITCH EMELIE, II
Previous: I

The sun had barely begun to rise and Dario was in the cafeteria eating the breakfast he had brought from home. Splattered ketchup gave the three scrambled eggs a bloodied look, and the sausage looked burnt. Yet, he ate it with a certain delight, cramming it down his throat with the hurried swiftness of a starving man. He didn't look up when one of the analysts, Antonio Verón, sat down next to him.

"Good morning, man," said Antonio, who wasn't tall, but neither was he short. He was lean and his dark Zarbian complexion gave him something of an exotic look, especially in a city so far to the west — Beda Fromm — where Zarbians were still a relatively rare sight. If there was someone on the analyst team who had no problem getting women it was Antonio. So, when Dario finally noticed his analyst teammate sitting next to him, he smiled. It wasn't a pretty smile, his teeth stained and still full of egg and sausage, and he continued chewing as he did it. If Antonio was repulsed, he didn't show it.

Gulping down the last mashed bite of food in his mouth, he replied, "Thanks, Antonio! I see you made it to the office early."

"...I'm always here this early...," said the Zarbian.

There was an awkward silence when Dario went back to eating his breakfast. Antonio looked at him and frowned. He was about to stand up and leave, having at least tried speaking to the weirdest guy on the analytics team, but then he remembered that Dario was crushing on Emelie. He decided to be nice. "Hey, how's it going with that chick up in the medical ward?"

Dario looked at him. "There's nothing there," he said, before looking down, solemnly.

"Is everything good?" asked Antonio.

"She doesn't like me," replied Dario.

The Zarbian frowned again. "How can you be sure? Did she tell you that?"

"No," said Dario.

"See, all hope is not lost. You should ask her out, man. That way, at least you'll get a straight answer from her. If no, so what? You'll get closure and you'll be able to move on. Give it a try man, you might be surprised," said the Zarbian, smiling. "By the way, what happened to your eye?"

Dario went back to his food. "I don't want to talk about it."



He decided to take the Zarbian's advice later on so, at lunch, Dario took the elevator up to the medical floor. Down the passageway, there was a reception desk ran by a woman named Alis Do'waar. She'd be attractive if she weren't so plump and such a prune, but alas what is one to do. She gave Dario a flat stare as he approached. "What do you want?" she asked him, eyes narrowing.

"I'm here to speak with Emelie," he said. He lied, "She's expecting me."

Alis laughed. "No, she's not."

"How do you know that?" he retorted, exasperated.

"Trust me," she answered.

He slammed his fist on the countertop. "I'm going to go talk to her anyway."

He stormed past her toward the facilities behind the desk. Behind him, he could hear Alis say, "...ummmm, okay. Don't say I didn't warn..." until her voice trailed off.

Dario turned one corner and then another, speeding down the aisles as if he were being followed. Finally, he made it to Emelie's office. The door was closed, but he could hear noises coming from behind it. He put his ear to the door but couldn't quite make out their nature. When he twisted the handle, it was locked. He waited just outside the door for perhaps a minute and then another, and still the noises persisted. Beginning to fret about her, he paced back and forth, until finally he had a bright idea. If I break down this door and save her, I'll be her savior. She'll have to go out with me then!

So he did exactly that. Taking a step back, he pushed himself up against the wall on the opposite side and then rushed into the door with his shoulder. To his surprise, it was much weaker than it looked and it burst open, forcing him to trip, stumble, and fall on to the bi-colored vinyl tile floor.

He looked up and there was Emelie...in the nude, pushed up against her desk, and being taken from behind by Klasos Derag, the midfielder. She was beautiful, her hair plastered against her forehead by the sheer amount of sweat dripping down her face. Her green eyes were wide open and wild. He stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality it took only a few seconds for her to scream, "DARIO! WHAT THE F***!"

"S-s-sorry," he stammered. Looking at Klasos, he asked, "What about Frapto?"

"DARIO!" she repeated. "GET THE F*** OUT?"

He couldn't move. It was as if he were glued to the floor. He said, "I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out with me."

She pushed Klasos off her. "Dario," she said, "You need to leave. This is weird."

The player straightened his back and started walking toward him. "Hey creep, you heard the woman. Get the f*** out before I beat the sh** out of you," he warned.

Dario looked at Klasos, then at Emelie, and, finally, put two and two together. "Wait, what's going on here?" he asked. "Are you two...having sex? Are you...cheating on Frapto?"

"What?" she replied, bewildered. "What the hell are you even talking about? I'm not with Frapto, so how can I be cheating on him? Dude, get the hell out. You're really weirding me out. This is not okay." She looked at Klasos. "Please, help me here. This is really, really weird."

The lumbering midfielder picked Dario up by the back of his shirt collar, lifting him off the ground with one arm, and literally threw him out of the room. He slammed the door behind him.



Janis saw Dario rush out of the elevator on the bottom floor and into the bathroom, tears streaming down his face. She twisted her mouth in concern. He had been mean to her the previous day, as he had before that, but she always forgave him. Dario was just troubled. He wanted the wrong things, the wrong people. She'd save him. So, she followed him into the men's bathroom.

Another man who was washing his hands gave her a strange look when she walked in, but Janis ignored him. She could hear Dario crying in one of the stalls, sobbing, in fact. Every so often he'd breath in all his snot through his nose and snort towards the end of the longer drags. Poor guy. She knocked. "Dario?"

"Huh?" she heard. "Who is that? Janis?"

"Yea, it's me," she replied.

"JANIS? GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!" he yelled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE MEN'S BATHROOM?"

She placed her head against the door as if feeling for him. "I saw you crying, Dario. I want to be here for you, you know. I am here for you. You can talk to me."

"I don't want to fuggin' talk to you, Janis," he said. "Get the hell out."

She breathed in and let out a heavy sigh. "You deserve better, you know," she said. "Emelie doesn't love you like I do."

"Love?" he asked, almost in a snarl. "What the hell are you even talking about?"

"I love you," she repeated. "I care for you."

"You don't even know me!" retorted Dario. "Plus, you're ugly?"

That took her aback. "What?" she asked meekly. "Surely, you don't mean that."

"Of course I do!" he shot back. "Have you ever even seen yourself in a mirror, Janis? You look like butt."

By now, she was crying as well. With her hand on the door, she answered, "You don't mean that, Dario. I know you don't. You're just distressed. I know it hurts, I know trust me. But, I can't take this godsdamn abuse" — the anger suddenly entered her voice and, noticing it, she took another deep breath. "I'm going to leave now, but if you want to talk you know where to find me."

"Will almighty," he said, "I don't want to talk to you, Janis. Get that through your big head."

He heard her cry until the bathroom door closed behind her.

Some man in the neighboring stall, whose voice he didn't recognize, said, "You're a real dick, man."

[Geektopia]

GEEKTOPIA 3-0 NO

Geektopia are back into the football scene as Papadopoulosplex's side beat an unranked team three nil. "It wasn't much of a victory, but it's honest work" he clamored

Geektopia 3-0 No

2' Yellow Card against No: Midfielder #15

3' Yellow Card against No: Defender #6

7' SUBSTITUTION: Gralgodgathorseptucegathor #21 in for Peta-hyperon #4

8' GOAL: Geektopia 1-0 No
Deutero-gralheptol
Geektopia #3

18' SUBSTITUTION: Midfielder #13 in for #23

21' GOAL: Geektopia 2-0 No
Chaindupribolplex
Geektopia #9

22' SUBSTITUTION: Googondolthra #17 in for Tethra Thoth #10

-- HALF-TIME --

54' GOAL: Geektopia 3-0 No
Russ de Andes
Geektopia #7

-- END OF GAME --