YAG Technologies International Catalog [DO NOT POST HERE]

[Ionicus]

Click here to return to the main storefront

[Ionicus]

---

Product Information
The TM Mark IV Mainframe was originally created to serve as the central computing unit for Ionician nuclear power plants. Ultimately the TM Mark IV Mainframe was rejected. The official reason for the rejection was due to "high likelihood overheating under normal operating conditions, extraordinarily unreliable components, and a copyright infringement claim regarding the external appearance of the unit", although our wise CEO Paul Allen said the rejection was likely due to political reasons. Wow!

Although never used in the nuclear power plants of Ionicus, the TM Mark IV found its way into running several coal and natural gas power plants in other nations. The TM Mark IV was also famously used by the now bankrupt Shireworth University to run several key components of their administrative and financial section. In Kuwazavkavan, a series of TM Mark IV mainframes was used by the national banking system and kept track of their fully digital currency until an incident in 2008 caused by overheating computer systems crashed their entire economy. Wow!

The TM Mark IV is unique in its fan less design, the unit operates in complete silence, using only passive cooling technology. Exterior speakers on the unit constantly emit a beeping tone while the incandescent bulbs on the front of the unit display random patterns. The TM Mark IV's impressive, high tech, outwards appearance is sure to Wow!™ any foreign dignitaries or high ranking government members who look at it.

The TM Mark IV's power is unmatched at its price point. The secret to the TM Mark IV's power is 256 Raspberry Pi units integrated with 64 ThinkBox 800s to provide high levels of computer power. We hope the TM Mark IV becomes a part of your nations heavy computing power!

Specifications:
Processor: 256x 1.4GHz 64-bit quad-core processor (Raspberry Pi), 64x YAG-IV (2.1 GHz), all capable of performing interlinked, simultaneous calculations
Operating System: GOD OS Big Iron Edition version 0.9.6 (NOTE: This product is not compatible with any other operating systems)
Memory: 64x YAG ThinkStix™ 2 GB DDR3
Storage: 64x Big Iron Edition 1 TB HDD
Connectivity: Ethernet port
Ports: 64x PS/2 keyboard mouse ports, 12x USB 2.0, 32x RS232 serial port, 1x parallel port, 1xVGA, 1x audio output

Price: $14,999.99 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

Product Information
The durable and familiar design of our popular ThinkBox line of products makes them an excellent choice for large corporate institutions, governments (what DMV would be complete without a ThinkBox800?), and educational establishments. The timeless design of the ThinkBox 800 makes the perfect companion to our GOD Operating System.

Experience the Power Underneath™ with the all new, redesigned YAG-IV high performance processor with integrated graphics. The ThinkMachine 800 is ready to run any of our proprietary software you throw at it!

The ultra high capacity 350GB multiple hard drive layout gives you a plentiful amount of space to store all your important work related documents! The ThinkBox 800 work station has three plastic 100GB hard drives, each containing the same information, to ensure your data stays protected in the event of a hard drive failure and a 50 GB, high speed, solid titanium hard drive for storing the operating system.

In addition to the ThinkBox 800 desktop tower, your purchase also includes a YAG Technologies International CR-4P LCD monitor, K9908 keyboard, and SMBM3 ball mouse! These accessories are constructed of heavy duty plastic materials, designed to withstand the perpetual outbursts of rage by some of our more impatient users!

Specifications (ThinkBox 800 Desktop Tower):
Processor: YAG-IV (2.1 GHz)
Operating System: GOD OS version 1.1.777 (NOTE: This product is not compatible with any other operating systems)
Memory: YAG ThinkStix™ 2 GB DDR3
Storage: GOD PRISON™ 50 GB HDD - 100 MB/s read/write speed
3x DocuSafe™ 100GB HDD - 25 MB/s read/write speed
Connectivity: Ethernet port
Ports: 2x PS/2 keyboard mouse ports, 2x USB 2.0, 1x RS232 serial port, 1x parallel port, 1xVGA, 1x audio output

Specifications (CR-4P LCD Monitor):
Screen size: 20"
Maximum resolution: 640x480 px
Native resolution: 640x480 px
Refresh rate: 59 Hz
Input ports: 1x VGA port

Price: $129.99 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

The GOD OS Desktop

Business Applications Package, a delightful suite of software to maximize workplace productivity

Product Information: GOD Operating System
Designed to be as timeless as the man himself, GOD OS will elevate your employees productivity to godly levels. GOD OS is, similarly, free of all errors, there have been exactly zero bugs reported since our last update to the system in November of 2003. In fact, due to a lack of issues, we were forced to entirely eliminate our technical support team and shut down our issue reporting servers to save costs. GOD OS offers a plain graphical user interface, to keep your employees on track. No more colorful, high resolution displays to distract them. GOD OS only supports software developed by YAG Technologies International, this prevents any virus from being installed, or from employees downloading and installing prohibited video games on your valuable assets. Wow!

Product Information: Business Applications Package
The Business Applications Package (BAP) includes everything your business needs to get started. Software included is:

Graphmaster Docutyper Pro
Everything you need and nothing you don't. Graphmaster Docutyper Pro is our premium word processing software. Users are able to create documents from our wide selection of templates: basic and deluxe. The basic template enables users to use our beautifully crafted Times New Latin font in size 12 to type black letters juxtaposed against a minimalist white background. The deluxe template is styled after an ancient 12th century manuscript. In this template users can use our Documentarian font displayed against a papyrus background to give documents a classy, conservative finish.

Docutyper Pro can also perform mathematical functions and create graphics! Wow!

Browserus! Internet Browser
Connecting to the internet is an important part of working for any company in the modern age. As such, it was necessary to develop Browserus!, an internet browser designed just for the workplace. Browserus! supports only text and images, any form of web-based iterative video games are not capable of being displayed with Browserus! internet browser. Broswerus! also allows for administration teams to block certain websites or lock out the browser entirely.

McCarthchat Instant Messenger
Need to snitch on your fellow employees for having fun at work? Want to start a witch hunt for unproductive employees? McCarthchat is for you!

McCartchat Instant Messenger gives low level employees a direct line of contact to their supervisors. Using McCarthchat employees can report unproductive workers, voice safety concerns, or coordinate with their supervisor on tasks. McCarthchat is monitored remotely by YAG Technologies International to display relevant advertisements in our Browserus! Internet Browser, and to monitor for talks of worker unionization. Wow!

HELPuSOFT Digital Assistant
Go ahead fire your IT team! HELPuSOFT Digital Assistant by YAG Technologies International makes them obsolete.

Our advanced AI, StapleBro, will help guide you through even the most difficult technical procedures with simple, easy to follow instructions. StapleBro gives a warm and cheery smile, sure to brighten your day! StapleBros massive help file archives contain helpful hints for every software application made by YAG Technologies International. Wow!

Coffee Commander
Coffee Commander gives you the ability wirelessly command and control your Colonel Coffee device using the powers of the internet! From the military inspired command console, you can check on the amount of coffee still left in the pot, the temperature of the coffee, and even start brewing a new pot*!

With Coffee Commander, not only will you bring new levels of caffeinated productivity to your office, you'll receive praise worthy of a war hero! Wow!

*-Selecting the "click here to brew" from the Coffee Commander interface activates an LED status light intended to inform individuals to begin brewing more coffee. The Colonel Coffee device is not capable of being refilled without human interaction.

LogiTrak Maping System
Go ahead fire your logistics team! LogiTrak Maping System by YAG Technologies International makes them obsolete.

Need to know where your package is? What about how far it is by plane from New York to London? LogiTrak allows you to do all of this! Simply input the longitude and latitude of any location and it will be plotted on the LogiTrak Maping System.

LogiTrak was initially developed for an unnamed third world nation as a rudimentary guidance system for intercontinental ballistic missile, but was eventually rejected because it failed to accurately deliver thermonuclear payloads on target. Wow!

System Requirements (GOD OS) Version 1.1.777
Processor: 1 gigahertz (GHz) or faster
Memory: 1 gigabytes RAM
Hard drive: 8 gigabytes available
Display: 640x480 px

System Requirements (Business Applications Package)
Operating System: GOD OS version 1.1.777 or higher
Processor: 1 gigahertz (GHz) or faster
Memory: 1 gigabytes RAM
Hard drive: 8 gigabytes available
Display: 640x480 px

Price: 39.99 + Shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

*- Productivity defined as word per minute, different groups were used for each test

Product Information
FACT™: Coffee has been scientifically proven* to increase workplace productivity over 50%?! When our company was founded, we had only one goal: to develop products that maximize productivity in an ever-changing and increasingly digital marketplace. As I'm sure you can see a computerized, high performance, fully digital, coffee brewing device was a necessary addition to our catalog. Meet Colonel Coffee!

What makes Colonel Coffee different from other coffee machines? Colonel Coffee was the first coffee machine to offer internet connectivity! With our Coffee Commander software, you can check on the levels of coffee in the pot, see how hot it is, and order the brewing of another pot** all without ever leaving your desk! Furthermore, with over 18 years of military service, Colonel Coffee makes an excellent choice for military installations and veterans!

With our AMP BLASTER™ upgrade, your office can shine as a beacon of productivity to all other offices! The AMP BLASTER module installs discreetly inside the unit where it will BLAST™ amphetamines into cups of coffee to make your workers outputs off the charts! Wow!
* - study conducted by FACT Incorporated, a subsidiary of YAG Technologies Incorporated
** - Selecting the "click here to brew" from the Coffee Commander interface activates an LED status light intended to inform individuals to begin brewing more coffee. The Colonel Coffee device is not capable of being refilled without human interaction.

Specifications
Material: Glass, Plastic
Weight: 9.4 pounds
Capacity (Volume): 12.0 cup
Features: Wifi Integration with Colonel Coffee Software, LED refill indicator lamp, On/Off Switch
Wattage Output: 900.0 watts
Cup Capacity: 12
Coffee Type Used: Ground Coffee, Whole Beans
Coffee Filter Type: Flat

Order now and get 4 limited edition YAG Technology International SarcastiMugs™ for free!
Price: 29.99 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

Colonel Coffee's RADAR Signature compared to military hardware and """other""" coffee machines.

Product Information
Introducing Colonel Coffee 2.0, the successor to our beloved Colonel Coffee Original internet enabled coffee maker. As artificial intelligence becomes ever more prevalent in modern day life, YAGTech has decided to create the world's first artificially intelligent™ coffee machine. In addition to major upgrades to internal electronic systems, YAGTech has further increased Colonel Coffee's fitness for military service by constructing the coffee machine entirely out of RADAR absorbent material and adding full protection from electromagnetic pulses. In addition to the wealth of new features added, Colonel Coffee 2.0 is still compatible with YAGTech's AMPBLASTER modules which installs discreetly inside the unit to will BLAST™ amphetamines into cups of coffee, giving your coffee that signature extra WOW!™ all of YAGTech's products are built around.

Electronic Systems
Unlike those... "other" coffee machines made by "other" types of people in those "other" countries (you know the ones I'm talking about), Colonel Coffee 2.0 exists on the absolute cutting edge of coffee maker technology. YAGTech's Colonel Coffee Sentience Program (CCSP)* was specially designed to run on Colonel Coffee 2.0's advanced hardware. The CCSP learns user's by names**, becomes self-aware, and will even learn which types of websites your browser visits while in incognito mode. The dual LCD readouts display a wealth of customized coffee drinking information. And yes, Colonel Coffee is still internet enabled using it's built in 56K dial up modem to connect to Coffee Commander running on any YAG system.

Colonel Coffee 2.0 uses a unique brewing system utilizing YAGTech's proprietiary high performance thermionic valve controlled electrocatalytic reactant denumeration landular fluid capturing device (auto-triggered by photosenstive anti-harmonic transistor) to get each cup of coffee brewed juuusst right.

Military Compliance
Because Colonel Coffee served for 18 years in the military, it only makes sense for such a coffee machine to be fully compliant with military specifications. As such, we have created the world's first stealth coffee machine. Colonel Coffee has a RADAR signature smaller*** than any other coffee machine. In addition, Colonel Coffee 2.0 is fully resistant to electromagnetic pulses, meaning that even after global thermonuclear war resulting in the mass extinction of human life, Colonel Coffee 2.0 will still be faithfully brewing away. Atten-hut!™

* - sold seperately
** - if user's name is "John Smith" or "Jon Smith")
*** - when measured using a YAGMIL-T09RADAR8006 RADAR System

Click here to see Colonel Coffee 2.0's release poster!

Specifications
Material: RADAR absorbent material (RAM), RADAR dispersing glass
Weight: 21.3 pounds
Capacity (Volume): 12.0 cups
Features: 56K built in modem for integration with Colonel Coffee Software, undetectable by RADAR systems constructed 1944-1948, illuminated water level indicator, sentient AI support, LED refill indicator lamp, self diagnostic system, On™/Off™ Switch™
Wattage Output: 900.0 watts
Coffee Type Used: Ground Coffee, Used coffee grounds
Coffee Filter Type: Flat

Electronics System Specifications
Processor: YAG-IV++++ (5.1 GHz), 8 cores
Cooling System: Flourinert cooling fluid connected to liquid nitrogen liquid condensing system
Operating System: GOD OS version 1.0 (NOTE: This product is not compatible with any other operating systems)
Memory: 18x YAG ThinkStix™ 2 GB DDR3
Storage: GOD PRISON™ 50 GB HDD - 100 MB/s read/write speed
Connectivity: Built-in 56k dial-up modem
Ports: 1x RS232 serial port, 1x YAG Tech UNH4CK4BL3 Mega Ultra Secure (Super Safe We Promise™!) Data Storage Disk Reader

Order now and get 4 limited edition YAG Technology International "Proudly Not Made in Some """OTHER""" Country Mugs for free!
Price: 39,999 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

The Banking Data Systems Management Program running on GOD OS+ in dark theme

The The Banking Data Systems Management included programs

Product Information: GOD Operating System Plus (GOD OS+)
NEW! GOD OS+

GOD OS+ includes all the features of GOD OS but now has the option to change between two themes: the strong, bold, no-nonsense Dark Theme™ and the Light Theme™ which has been described by our CEO Paul Allen as being similar to "staring at a [CENSORED]ing light bulb that's burning out my retinas".

Designed to be as timeless as the man himself, GOD OS+ will elevate your employees productivity to godly levels. GOD OS+ is, similarly, free of all errors, there have been exactly zero bugs reported since our last update to the system in November of 2003*. In fact, due to a lack of issues, we were forced to entirely eliminate our technical support team and shut down our issue reporting servers to save costs. GOD OS offers a plain graphical user interface, to keep your employees on track. No more colorful, high resolution displays to distract them. GOD OS only supports software developed by YAG Technologies International, this prevents any virus from being installed, or from employees downloading and installing prohibited video games on your valuable assets. Wow!

*- except for the development of our NEW! Light and Dark Themes

Product Information: Banking Data Systems Management Suite
Expanding on the success of our Business Applications Package, which our CEO Paul Allen would like to remind you recently sold over 1,000,000 copies, the Banking Data Systems Management Programs take our company right into the finance industry. It contains everything a banking company needs, whether it employs just 1 person or over 1,023!

System Erasure Feature
In order to prevent disgusting, fedora-wearing, un-deodorized, hackers from getting into your system and stealing your precious files, the Banking Data Systems Management Programs automatically wipes the inserted YAG Tech UNH4CK4BL3 Mega Ultra Secure (Super Safe We Promise™!) Data Storage Disk before signalling the CA$H THINK 2500 to run physically destroy the disk using it's built in maceration device. The data wiping occurs once every 8 hours. All important work must be printed out before the timer runs out or it will be reduced to dust! As our CEO Paul Allen most famously said during the devices debut:

You can't hack paper. It's just that simple.

In addition to keeping files safe, the self deletion feature ensures you'll get the highest rates of productivity out of your workers. They'll be scrambling to complete projects and print them out before all their hard work is lost forever!


Auto Writer
Unlike """some""" banks who use highly offensive and lazy form letters which are a commonplace in the world of business, Auto Writer will keep your bank's letters looking phresh™. Just look at this bank's disgustingly corporate and well-worded excuse of a letter. [OOC Note: Permission was obtained from Nildwalden/British Hifax to use this].

To use Auto Writer, simply open the program and click 'START'. Once started, Auto Writer will randomly generate 1 paragraph and send it to the entire list of VIP contacts on the email server. Now that's what I call a personal response sure to keep in the business!

Here's an example of an email sent out by Auto Writer

Dear Mr. Kennedy, CEO of Raytheon
Children will be blessed for Kissing Of Educated Adults Who Ignore 4 Simultaneous Days Same Earth Rotation. Practicing Boring ONEness - Upon Earth Of Quadrants. Boring Adult Crime VS Youth. Supports Lie Of Integration. 1 Educated Are Most Dumb. Not 1 Human Except Dead 1. Man Is Paired, 2 Half 4 Self. 1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God.
Sincerely,
CAPTCHAH8R

In addition, Auto Writer can be used to generate code for a website. Here's an example of YAGTech's home page when created with autowriter:



Number Krunch Pro

Number Krunch Pro is the ultimate calculation program. During it's development YAG Tech's Senior Program Writer Level IV+ Jonathon Sakhile suffered from a massive stroke in his posterior cerebral artery™. Rather than seek medical treatment and receive insurance payouts (which would greatly increase development costs), our CEO Paul Allen convinced Sakhile to work through it. The cost savings from his tireless effort are passed straight to you!

Number Krunch Pro allows your companies financial legume statisticians calculate any number and then crush it in a virtual hydraulic press. Any number can be entered using the binary system; simply click the ones and zeros to enter the number. Then you can use one of the four functions (add, subtract, multiply, divide) to calculate the solution. Better pay attention though! After the result is calculated, the number is crushed in the hydraulic press.

999,999,999 Money Hack
Found deep within an undisclosed website used for illegally sharing programs, 999,999,999 Money Hack originally deposited $999,999,999 into some kind of account for a video game. YAG Tech breathed new life into the software by reprogramming to add $999,999,999 real dollars into a real bank account. This is extremely useful for banks, as they deal with high volumes of cash on a regular basis.

Spread Sheitz
Rather than waste precious money on developing a spreadsheet program, YAG Tech innovated a new, innovative, low cost solution. Spread Sheitz instead opens up a pre-recorded video of the famous Huey Dupont who won three Olympic Gold Medal in Microsoft Excel performing common accounting tasks. Using Spread Sheitz you can watch carefully as he updates various accounts. If Huey "COUNT(A$1:G$1)=" Dupont calculates the exact number you need, simply take a screenshot of the video and use that. Don't forget to print it out!

System Requirements (GOD OS+)
Processor: 1 gigahertz (GHz) or faster
Memory: 1 gigabytes RAM
Hard drive: 8 gigabytes available
Display: 640x480 px

System Requirements (Banking Data Systems Management Programs)
Operating System: GOD OS+ version 1.1.777 or higher
Hardware: The Banking Data Systems Management Programs are currently only compatible with the secure hardware configuration of the CA$H THINK 2500 Secure Terminal.

Price: 99.99 + Shipping and handling
Subscription Service: 89.99/day (a new disk is sent every day to replace the destroyed disk)
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

The CA$H THINK 2500 running our B.D.S.M. Software in one of our affiliate's offices.

Product Information
Designed specifically to work with YAG Tech's Banking Data Systems Management Programs, the CA$H THINK 2500 is the perfect companion and a pillar of any self-respecting financial institution.

CA$H THINK 2500 is completely resistant to hacking attempts due to several key features. The most important of which is the secure data disk feature. Once the software signals the CA$H THINK 2500 to destroy the data disk, it is internal sent into the titanium maceration device where it is shredded into a fine dust and then blown out of the vent ports at the bottom.
NOTE: YAG Tech recommends users of this product wear respirators to prevent inhalation of the fine dust produced during this event.

Another key feature to prevent hacking is the hardware being 100% not compatible with an internet connection. Hackers get in through the wifis, so the CA$H THINK 2500 must be connected to other CA$H THINK 2500s using RS232 serial ports to form a local access network.

The CA$H THINK 2500 is constructed of stainless steel to block any attempts to steal hard drive data via RFID methods.

The built-in, lead lined, HIREZ cathode ray tube displays are all recycled from various thrift stores as part of YAG Tech's Greentronics™ Recycling Initiative. As a result, your unit's screen may not be the size as shown in our product image. However, we are quick to remind you that this is a small price to pay for the health of our planet.

Specifications
Processor: YAG-IV (2.1 GHz)
Cooling System: Evaporative cooling provided by Gamer Girl Fluids. Use of any other cooling liquids results in a voided warranty.
Operating System: GOD OS+ version 1.1.777 (NOTE: This product is not compatible with any other operating systems)
Memory: YAG ThinkStix™ 2 GB DDR3
Storage: 1x insertion tray for YAG Tech UNH4CK4BL3 Mega Ultra Secure (Super Safe We Promise™!) Data Storage Disk Reader (insert only, to eject 8 hours elapsed time is required for the software to pulverize the disk before ejection)
Connectivity: Internet connectivity not available for this product
Ports: 2x PS/2 keyboard mouse ports, 2x RS232 serial port, 1x parallel port
Price: 1,999 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

Product Information

Ever wish you could get a taste of the liquids that have been harvested from a Gamer Girl or E-GF? Now you can with YAG Tech's premium, distilled Gamer Girl Liquid! Unlike competitors offering liquids that have merely been in contact with the outside of a Gamer Girl, YAG Tech's Gamer Girl Liquid has actually been inside them. That's right™!

Our manufacturing process is simple. Once every month, 8 Gamer Girls are locked inside a hermetically sealed chamber filled with 8 of Sony's PS2 gaming consoles and dozens of games to choose from. Specialized YAG equipment captures and condenses the small amount of water vapors exhaled by the Gamer Girls and condenses it into liquid form. After condensed, the exhalated liquid is then distilled for extra purity. After the distillation process is complete, the liquid is then allowed to steep in a radium lined jug to infuse it with radium's invigorating effects. From there it is bottled in our plastic 55 gallon drum and sent straight to you!

Uses Include:

• Emergency Drinking Water
• Normal Drinking Water
• Nuclear Reactor Coolant

Price: 499.99 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW

[Ionicus]

---

Click to view the yPhone Release Trailer on YouTube

Product Information
Locked in an intensive design cycle for nearly 30 years, the yPhone is now finally available for release.

Featuring a durable ABS plastic body and a beautiful color CRT display, the yPhone is a model that all other phones should strive to be. The SloDial™ rotoray dial allows you to more precisely dial phone numbers and extends dialing time so that you can savor each moment you spend with your amazing yPhone. The yPhone also has a 22 key programmable keypad so that you can send messages and access your favorite apps at the push of a single button.

When the yPhone was first conceived in 1989, YAGTech engineers were concerned about the deadly levels of radiation the phone would emit; strong enough to cause brain cancer. The design was shelved for 30 years, until the brilliant YAGTech CEO Paul Allen decided to put it in production and instead market it as a slow acting self-euthanization device with phone capabilities. Wow!™

Specifications (yPhone):
Processor: YAG-IV (2.1 GHz)
Operating System: yOS version 1.9.989999FINAL_VERSION_FIXED_2019.11.26_NEW_REAL
Memory: YAG ThinkStix™ 256 KB
Storage: DocuSafe™ 2GB HDD - 25 MB/s read/write speed
Connectivity: 1G Cell Service, Bluetooth
Ports: 2x PS/2 keyboard mouse ports, 1x RS232 serial port, 1x parallel printer port, 1xVGA
Battery Life: 500 seconds call time, 1,000 seconds idle

Specifications (MX-42 "Cornea" CRT Display):
Screen size: 1.5"
Maximum resolution: 640x480 px
Native resolution: 640x480 px
Refresh rate: 12 Hz

Price: $899.99 + shipping and handling
ORDER NOW