[submitted 7.8.19] Don't Have a Cow, Man

[Candlewhisper Archive]

DRAFT THREE: Vat makes sense.

TITLE:
Don't Have a Cow, Man

VALIDITY:
Not vegetarian. Has significant agriculture. National religion not Hinduism.

DESCRIPTION:
Beef! While this meat is a firm favourite on the @@DEMONYM@@ menu, it's rapidly becoming clear that cattle herds are having a disproportionate environmental impact, largely because of the methane in their burps, farts and rotting faeces.

OPTION 1
"What we have here is a precious natural resource just floating away," conjures Bovine Apparel producer @@randomname@@, wafting @@HIS@@ hands over your head. "We need to legislate that at least 90% of the methane should be recaptured for biofuel use, whether through domed poo fermenters, tubes and backpack bubbles, or closed environment capture. We don't need to give up on beef, so long as we catch a few fumes!"

OUTCOME:
battery cows have tubes plugged into their mouths and bottoms

OPTION 2
"A cow is meant to roam free and naked, under the open sky," opines leather-lover @@randomname@@. "Don't restrain them: instead, give them a diet of Asparagopsis seaweed, to disrupt the methane-producing enzymes in the cows' stomachs. Of course, we'll need to dedicate large stretches of coastal sea to feed farms, displacing the odd marina and fishery, and we'll need a barge network for low-carbon transportation. Still, this way we get cows' bottoms nice and clean." @@HE@@ stops for a moment, and licks @@HIS@@ lips thoughtfully.

OUTCOME:
cows stare longingly at the greener grass on the other side of the fence


OPTION 3
"Hmm... o-kay," says vegan @@randomname@@, carefully backing away from the previous speaker. "Look, wouldn't it be better if all flesh-munchers just cut back on beef a bit? Maybe if you just taxed the heck out of large livestock, you could divert the funds into subsidising more carbon-friendly approaches, like vat-grown beef protein, worms, beetles, and -- if you must insist on conventional meats -- poultry."

OUTCOME:
a quarterpounder with cheese is the height of ostentatious consumption

OPTION 4
"That's the problem with you, @@firstname(3)@@, you've no conviction," interrupts ecorevolutionary @@randomname@@, waving a soysteak at you menacingly. "I demand that all meat-eating should be banned! Omnivorism is genocide! Down with the Meatocracy!"

OUTCOME:
the people say nuts to meat-based proteins

OPTION 5
"Two environmentalists and two vegans? Just how biased is this nation-state anyway?" rants self-proclaimed reasonable conservative @@randommalename@@. "This is an alarmist conspiracy, fabricated by the liberal vegan-industrial complex to take away our gastronomic freedoms. Look, if I want to put juicy meat in my mouth -- in a non homosexual way, I mean -- then that is my right as a @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. Celebrate beef with a National Steak Day, and be out and proud of our love for beef!"

OUTCOME:
Big Beef has a steak in national politics

DRAFT TWO: Thinner and leaner.

TITLE:
Don't Have a Cow, Man

VALIDITY:
Not vegetarian. Has significant agriculture. National religion not Hinduism.

DESCRIPTION:
Beef! While this meat a firm favourite on the @@DEMONYM@@ menu, it's rapidly becoming clear that cattle herds are having a disproportionate environmental impact, largely because of the methane in their burps, farts and rotting faeces.

OPTION 1
"What we have here is a precious natural resource just floating away," conjures Bovine Apparel producer @@randomname@@, wafting @@HIS@@ hands over your head. "We need to legislate that at least 90% of the methane should be recaptured for biofuel use, whether through domed poo fermenters, tubes and backpack bubbles, or closed environment capture. We don't need to give up on beef, so long as we catch a few fumes!"

OUTCOME:
battery cows have tubes plugged into their mouths and bottoms

OPTION 2
"A cow is meant to roam free and naked, under the open sky," opines leather-lover @@randomname@@. "Don't restrain them: instead, give them a diet of Asparagopsis seaweed, to disrupt the methane-producing enzymes in the cows' stomachs. Of course, we'll need to dedicate large stretches of coastal sea to feed farms, displacing the odd marina and fishery, and we'll need a barge network for low-carbon transportation. Still, this way we get cows' bottoms nice and clean." @@HE@@ stops for a moment, and licks @@HIS@@ lips thoughtfully.

OUTCOME:
cows stare longingly at the greener grass on the other side of the fence


OPTION 3
"Hmm... o-kay," says vegan @@randomname@@, carefully backing away from the previous speaker. "Look, wouldn't it be better if all flesh-munchers just cut back on beef a bit? Maybe if you just taxed the heck out of large livestock, you could divert the funds into subsidising more carbon-friendly animal proteins, like worms, and beetles, and -- if you must insist on conventional meats -- poultry."

OUTCOME:
a quarterpounder with cheese is the height of ostentatious consumption

OPTION 4
"That's the problem with you, @@firstname(3)@@, you've no conviction," interrupts ecorevolutionary @@randomname@@, waving a soysteak at you menacingly. "I demand that all meat-eating should be banned! Omnivorism is genocide! Down with the Meatocracy!"

OUTCOME:
the people say nuts to meat-based proteins

OPTION 5
"Two environmentalists and two vegans? Just how biased is this nation-state anyway?" rants self-proclaimed reasonable conservative @@randommalename@@. "This is an alarmist conspiracy, fabricated by the liberal vegan-industrial complex to take away our gastronomic freedoms. Look, if I want to put juicy meat in my mouth -- in a non homosexual way, I mean -- then that is my right as a @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. Celebrate beef with a National Steak Day, and be out and proud of our love for beef!"

OUTCOME:
Big Beef has a steak in national politics

DRAFT ONE: Yeah, I know, too wordy. I'm just getting the ideas down first before I trim the fat.

TITLE:
Don't Have a Cow, Man

VALIDITY:
Not vegetarian. Has significant agriculture. National religion not Hinduism.

DESCRIPTION:
Beef! Whether roasted, minced or in a juicy steak on grill, beef remains a favourite on the @@DEMONYM@@ menu. However, it's rapidly becoming clear that the meat has a disproportionate environmental impact, particularly in terms of the methane emanating from the burps, farts and faeces of bovine herds.

OPTION 1
"What we have here is a precious natural resource just floating away," conjures Bovine Apparel producer @@randomname@@, wafting @@HIS@@ hands over your head. "We need to legislate that at least 90% of the methane should be recaptured for biofuel use, whether through domed poo fermenters, tubes and backpack bubbles, or closed environment capture. We don't need to give up on beef, so long as we catch a few fumes!"

OUTCOME:
battery cows have tubes plugged into their mouths and bottoms

OPTION 2
"A cow is meant to roam free and naked, under the open sky," opines leather-lover @@randomname@@. "A more natural solution here would be a diet of Asparagopsis seaweed, to disrupt the methane-producing enzymes in the cows' stomachs. I mean logistically, there's a few challenges of course. We'll need to dedicate large stretches of the coast to seaweed farms, displacing the odd marina and fishery, and you'll need low-carbon transport for the feed, like barges. It'll be worth it to get cows' bottoms nice and clean." @@HE@@ stops for a moment, and licks @@HIS@@ lips thoughtfully.

OUTCOME:
cows stare longingly at the greener grass on the other side of the fence


OPTION 3
"Hmm... o-kay," says vegan @@randomname@@, carefully backing away from the previous speaker. "Look, wouldn't it be better if all flesh-munchers just cut back on beef a bit? I'm not saying we should have mandatory veganism, but maybe if you just taxed the heck out of large livestock, you could divert the funds into subsidising more carbon-friendly animal proteins, like worms, and beetles, and -- if you must insist on conventional meats -- poultry."

OUTCOME:
a quarterpounder with cheese is the height of ostentatious consumption

OPTION 4
"That's the problem with you, @@firstname(3)@@, you've no conviction," interrupts ecorevolutionary @@randomname@@, waving a soysteak at you menacingly. "I demand that all meat-eating should be banned! Omnivorism is genocide! Down with the Meatocracy!"

OUTCOME:
the people say nuts to meat-based proteins

OPTION 5
"Two environmentalists and two vegans? Just how biased is this place anyway?" rants self-proclaimed reasonable conservative @@randommalename@@. "I think I've had enough of this alarmist conspiracy: it's the liberal vegan-industrial complex, looking to take away our freedoms. Look, if I want to put juicy meat in my mouth, then that is my right as a @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. In a non-gay way, I mean. Let's celebrate beef with a National Steak Day, and be proud of our nation!"

OUTCOME:
Big Beef has a steak in national politics

[Australian rePublic]

In order to avoid the exclusion of Hindus, can we substitute cows with zebus? Are zebus sacred to Hindus? Can Hindus eat zebus?

Anyways, I once had a high school science teacher who asked why we're taxing cow farts, when we don't tax the farts od wild animals, not even pests, like camals. Whilst I think he was somewhat sarcastic, he rose an interesting point- why is it only cow farts which are a problem? Why not wild animal farts? See if you can play into that

[Candlewhisper Archive]

In order to avoid the exclusion of Hindus, can we substitute cows with zebus? Are zebus sacred to Hindus? Can Hindus eat zebus?

Doesn't seem like a good idea to me.

Firstly, zebus aren't really something that are globally recognised as food animals. Cows are.

Secondly, zebus are the exact breed of cow that are seen to be sacred by Hindus. You've basically said something along the lines of "hey, if some Muslims not liking satirical cartoons is a problem, how about we only have satirical cartoons of Mohammed?"
That is to say, the point has not only been missed, but you've used your crossbow to shoot yourself in the ass.

Anyways, I once had a high school science teacher who asked why we're taxing cow farts, when we don't tax the farts od wild animals, not even pests, like camals. Whilst I think he was somewhat sarcastic, he rose an interesting point- why is it only cow farts which are a problem? Why not wild animal farts? See if you can play into that

Pretty simple one to answer really.
1) The activity of domesticated animals can be seen as anthropogenic.
2) Scale. Domesticated cows are responsible 18% of the world's greenhouse gas production, which is more than cars.
3) Biology. It's only mult-stomached ruminants that have this exceptionally high methane production from their digestion. One cow farts and burps the same amount of methane as 1000 humans, for example. Sheep and goats are pretty bad offenders too, but cows basically outstrip all other animals. Camels, interestingly, produce the same amount of methane per kilo of material consumed as a cow does, but camels also eat much less than cows, so each camel produces a lot less gas than a cow does. And again, scalewise, there's a lot more cows than camels.

Coming aside from the school lesson here, I think in this issue other animals don't need to be addressed because in real life, other animals aren't the issue.

[Australian rePublic]

In order to avoid the exclusion of Hindus, can we substitute cows with zebus? Are zebus sacred to Hindus? Can Hindus eat zebus?

Doesn't seem like a good idea to me.

Firstly, zebus aren't really something that are globally recognised as food animals. Cows are.

Secondly, zebus are the exact breed of cow that are seen to be sacred by Hindus. You've basically said something along the lines of "hey, if some Muslims not liking satirical cartoons is a problem, how about we only have satirical cartoons of Mohammed?"
That is to say, the point has not only been missed, but you've used your crossbow to shoot yourself in the ass.

I thought Zebus were a completely different animal. Well, I'm an idiot...

[SherpDaWerp]

OPTION 3
"Hmm... o-kay," says vegan @@randomname@@, carefully backing away from the previous speaker. "Look, wouldn't it be better if all flesh-munchers just cut back on beef a bit? Maybe if you just taxed the heck out of large livestock, you could divert the funds into subsidising more carbon-friendly animal proteins, like worms, and beetles, and -- if you must insist on conventional meats -- poultry."

OPTION 4
"That's the problem with you, @@firstname(3)@@, you've no conviction," interrupts ecorevolutionary @@randomname@@, waving a soysteak at you menacingly. "I demand that all meat-eating should be banned! Omnivorism is genocide! Down with the Meatocracy!"

Cows have other environmental impacts beyond methane (i.e. water & food consumption, land consumption), maybe one of these two options could point that out as a reason for getting rid of them entirely?

"Two environmentalists and two vegans? Just how biased is this nationstate anyway?"

Could this be a @@TYPE@@ macro?

Side Note

That is to say, the point has not only been missed, but you've used your crossbow to shoot yourself in the ass.

Can put this in my signature, pretty please?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Cows have other environmental impacts beyond methane (i.e. water & food consumption, land consumption), maybe one of these two options could point that out as a reason for getting rid of them entirely?

Good call, I'll put that in draft 3.

Could this be a @@TYPE@@ macro?

It could, but it was meant to be a metajoke about how people often complain NS has a left wing bias, and -- less commonly -- a pro-vegan bias.

Can put this in my signature, pretty please?

Help yourself.

[Australian rePublic]

Option 5- noone who lives in a federation" would refer to tjheir country as a "nationstate"

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Option 5- noone who lives in a federation" would refer to tjheir country as a "nationstate"

Not so. Russia is a federation, but many Russian nationalists refer to the nation-state of Russia. Likewise Germany was historically a federation, and retains federal nomenclature in a lot of its politics, but is considered a nation-state by most.

I can absolutely agree that SOME people within some nations would object to their nation being called a nation-state, but there'll always be some who want to use the term.

Besides, the game is called Nation States... It has always been explicit that is what we're simulating.

[Bears Armed]

Option 5- noone who lives in a federation" would refer to tjheir country as a "nationstate"

Not so. Russia is a federation, but many Russian nationalists refer to the nation-state of Russia.

I suspect that most of those "Russian nationalists" are 'probably ethnic Russians' anyway, rather than members of the various other peoples that have (at least in theory) been given their own 'autonomous republics' or 'autonomous oblasts' or whatever as federation members...

[Window Land]

In option 2 the phrase "and we'll a barge network" seems to be missing the word need between we'll and a.

[Australian rePublic]

There should be an option promoting VAT grown beef

[Chan Island]

There should be an option promoting VAT grown beef

Exactly what I was going to say. A lot of these problems would be avoided in a place where beef was grown artificially in a lab. Of course, the question of what to actually do with all of these now redundant cows would be an issue in and of itself.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

In option 2 the phrase "and we'll a barge network" seems to be missing the word need between we'll and a.

Thanks, fixed.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

There should be an option promoting VAT grown beef

Good point. I'll append that to option 3 in draft 3, in order to keep things trimmed down.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Added in a mention of vats. Any final thoughts anyone?

[Fauxia]

You forgot an "is" in the *first sentence

*Unless "Beef!" counts as a sentence.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

You forgot an "is" in the *first sentence

*Unless "Beef!" counts as a sentence.

Thanks, fixed.