"AN INSULT TO BOTH TRENTA CRUMLO AND THE MEDIUM OF CINEMA"
June 29th 4065NC Last updated 23:49 Exegrad Standard Time
DAS ENGEL, AMENTRA
Trenta II: Crumlo This is a jaw-dropping movie for all the wrong reasons, writes our lead film reviewer Theodor Paterson, and is offensive not just to the memory of one of Nui-ta's greatest leaders, but frankly is a crime against cinema.
Theatrical release poster
It's official: Das Engel is out of ideas. Either that or our film industry has become a case of too much money, too little talent - whatever the reason, no possible excuse could possibly be given for the utter atrocity that was Trenta II.
The concept alone should have been cause for alarm: It's billed as an inexplicable sequel to the Nui-tan movie Trenta - an excellent biopic which went on to win a host of awards here in Radiatia including Best Picture.
Trenta Crumlo (her actual name is Trenta i-Harendo) is hugely respected in Nui-ta, and she's hugely respected here too - she is after all the only foreign leader to have a statue in Federation Square. Nui-ta are our most important ally, but if they wanted to end that alliance after seeing this movie I for one would not be able to blame them.
This movie was the cinematic equivalent of someone urinating the words "Radiatia Fuck Yeah!" on her grave - although frankly that might have been less offensive than the movie and I wouldn't have permanently lost two hours of my life to it.
The original Trenta movie ended with her untimely death to illness. So what could the sequel possibly contain? Well apparently, she faked her death, moved to Exegrad and became a cop who 'doesn't play by the rules'. I'm not making this up.
Oh also there is a LOT of gratuitous sex and nudity in this film although you can tell it's not a weird pornography by virtue of the fact that porn actors tend to have some grasp of human anatomy, and don't make cartoonish facial expressions in the act. It was like those scenes were directed by a 7 year old who had been told about sex on the playground, and filled in the gaps using his imagination alone. There's actually a genuine line of dialogue in the movie in which a fully grown adult character asks if he can see Trenta's "pee-pee".
I was so incredulous about this movie, which is also not a comedy despite being almost laughable, that I had to track down and interview the culprits responsible.
The film was directed by Michael Harbour - most famous for the Battling Seizure Robots live action film adaptation - and its script was written by a little known screenwriter named Donny Wisseau who despite his thick and obvious Poldanian accent claims to be from New Vashura.
"This film is not documentary, I wanted to make real film about Radiatia, and so I take certain liberties with boring history stuff." Said Wisseau. "In original film, main character is Prime Minister. That boring - I make her sexy cop in this film, yes?"
Michael Harbour agreed with this approach.
"Look, I wanted something that was going to appeal to a Radiatian audience, and the fact is that Radiatians aren't interested in history or stories about dead Prime Ministers from foreign countries. They want boobs, big explosions and a setting they can relate to, hence why the film is set in Exegrad."
But why did they choose to defile the original Trenta film with this garbage?
"The studio bought the rights to Trenta and originally it was just going to be remake with a slightly bigger budget and production value," Explained Harbour. "But we can all agree the first film wasn't bad. And I wanted to do something creative. We made one or two changes in the script but I'm confident that this is exactly what the real Trenta Crumlo would have done had she lived a bit longer."
Donny Wisseau claims his script is not an insult to her memory and did "many researches" on her before writing the film.
"I see the original film at least three times, so I know who this character is, it no problem I can write her lines blindfolded, it no problem." He said.
I asked him point blank if he actually knew who Trenta Crumlo was, and after some argument it emerged that Wisseau didn't even realise she was a real historical figure.
"I don't see problem here. She non-fiction character, I make fiction movie about her. Is fine. Is not documentary, is just good entertaining Das Engel film."
I then asked Michael Harbour what was going through his head while he directed this film, and his response was candid.
"Drugs." He said. "I was about on about four kinds of LSD while that was being shot. I didn't even know there were different kinds, but that's the great thing about this industry. It's not about the money or the fame, and certainly not about the movies - the film industry is just one big money laundering ring for drug dealers."
Yet despite this the film does seem to have an anti-drugs message. One of the few bits of plot I was able to glean from the movie was that Trenta was trying to stop a man who was "planning to destroy Radiatia by selling marijuana".
Though to be honest, this movie is a better argument in favour of legalising cannabis - because you need to be high to endure this pile of dung.
Verdict:
★☆☆☆☆
"We watched this movie so you don't have to."
- RPNN
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