[SUBMITTED] Here's The Catch

[Kylarnatia]

[Title] The War That Time Forgot

[Description] During the Great @@REGION@@ War, @@NATION@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis were on opposing sides. The cold attitude between both nations has mostly thawed since then, with most unaware it was ever any different, however it has recently come back into the spotlight after a small flotilla of Didopolitan fishing vessels deliberately collided with @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ fishermen out at sea. The justification? They claim that both states are still technically at war, which an unsuccessful search in the nation's archives for any form of peace treaty has proven to be true. Before you have time to even process this information, a gaggle of your closest advisers have rushed you off to the War Room.

[Validity] All

[Option] "Oh deary me, what a peculiar kerfuffle we've gotten ourselves into..." Remarks your bewildered Minister for Foreign Affairs, "but there's no need to panic! In fact, this presents us the perfect opportunity to demonstrate our peace-loving nature. Let me reach out to my counterpart in Didopolis and set things straight: we can sign an actual peace treaty, one that expresses a desire for friendship and mutual cooperation. I'm sure we can also throw in some fish to placate their fishermen. Everybody wins!"
[Effect] recent proclamations of peace, love and friendship smell rather fishy

[Option] "Are you serious? We shouldn't be humouring such a blatantly unprovoked attack on our people!" Shouts the enraged Rear Admiral @@RANDOMNAME@@, mouth frothing as @@HE@@ grabs you tightly by your shoulders, aggressively pushing your Minister of Foreign Affairs aside. "If they want to treat this conflict as still ongoing, then let them have it! Just say the word, and I'll dispatch the fleet to deal with these agitators! We'll see who comes running for a peace treaty then."
[Effect] age-old conflicts are still ongoing despite nobody being quite sure what they were fighting for to begin with

[Option] "Now now, there isn't any need to be so extreme. I believe this presents us with an even grander opportunity to stir up patriotic sentiment." Calmly remarks your eccentric Propaganda Minister, using a spotted handkerchief to clean the Rear Admiral's spittle off your shirt. "We can turn this quite frankly minor incident into a gold mine of pride for one's nation and people. Imagine it, @@LEADER@@: patriotic songs and epic dramas commemorating the bravery of our brave fishermen and women in the face of the barbaric Didopolitan aggressors...I can already feel the lump in my throat. Just let me and my subordinates get to work, and this reinvigorated rivalry will become the talk of @@REGION@@!"
[Effect] even the most mundane diplomatic incident is turned into a piece of epic poetry

[Option] "Now hang on just a blubber-loving minute - what does any of that do to help our brave seamen and women who have just been attacked?" Complains Captain-turned-Undersecretary for Fisheries and Sea Shanties, Arnold Trout. "It seems to me that you city-folk once again are missing the real issues effecting the people who, need I remind you, are the lifeblood of this economy. This wouldn't have happened if our sailors were able to adequately defend themselves; lets kit out all our fishing vessels with some of that fancy hardware the Navy has lying around. That way, any foreign fishermen will think twice before trying to pinch our catch! Aharrr!"
[Validity] Must have a large fishing industry
[Effect] the nation's maritime borders are marked on nautical charts with the warning "here there be trigger-happy fools"

---

So based on the feedback I was given I've decided to go with a complete re-write of the issue, starting this one as a brand-new first draft, though I'll keep the original in the OP for posterity. I've decided to give Candlewhisper's suggestion of fishing boats as a framing device a try: I'm unsure as to whether I've done a good job with this, as I wanted to keep the original premise as the focus while also striking a balance with the fact that fishing was involved. I also decided to keep Didopolis, as a nod to the original draft and as a new NPC nation which could explain why it was easily forgotten and therefore why a war is still technically ongoing in the first place. I'm also worried the draft is a bit wordy.

The title is not an intentional reference to The Land That Time Forgot, I just liked the ring to it.

"Great @@REGION@@ War" is established already in Issue #378, and I took it as part of the framing device based on the examples given by Bears Armed and Trotterdam of warring states being forgotten / left out of peace agreements.

"Arnold Trout" in the last option is meant to be a reference to Archibald Haddock. Speaking of the last option, I'm not sure about the effect line: my other idea was "foreign fishermen find themselves trapped in a very real game of Minesweeper" but I didn't know whether that would work either.

As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. :)

[Candlewhisper Archive]

A good rule of thumb here is to look at each sentence and see if it adds humour, or vital information.
If it doesn't add either, then cut it.

Also, don't use five words when one will do. Max wrote a blog on that topic somewhere on this site.

For example:

[Description] During the Great @@REGION@@ War, @@NATION@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis were on opposing sides. The cold attitude between both nations has mostly thawed since then, with most unaware it was ever any different, however it has recently come back into the spotlight after a small flotilla of Didopolitan fishing vessels deliberately collided with @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ fishermen out at sea. The justification? They claim that both states are still technically at war, which an unsuccessful search in the nation's archives for any form of peace treaty has proven to be true. Before you have time to even process this information, a gaggle of your closest advisers have rushed you off to the War Room.

could be:

[Description] Didopolis, a small yet formidable city state once fought a war against @@NAME@@, which slowly petered without a formal peace treaty. Relationships improved, and trade has been flourishing for decades. However, recently a small flotilla of Didopolitan and @@DEMONYM@@ fishing vessels clashed over territory disagreements, and violence ensued.

Then, you have the options to expand the story. The first option could be a @@DEMONYM@@ fisherman claiming that if the nations are still at war then he's done nothing wrong in ramming and sinking Didiopolitan vessels, and you should be sending the navy out to secure the waters, and giving him a medal. The second option could suggest diplomacy, peace, and punishing the fishermen. Then the third option would be the crazy approach.

[Kylarnatia]

A good rule of thumb here is to look at each sentence and see if it adds humour, or vital information.
If it doesn't add either, then cut it.

Also, don't use five words when one will do. Max wrote a blog on that topic somewhere on this site.

For example:

[Description] During the Great @@REGION@@ War, @@NATION@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis were on opposing sides. The cold attitude between both nations has mostly thawed since then, with most unaware it was ever any different, however it has recently come back into the spotlight after a small flotilla of Didopolitan fishing vessels deliberately collided with @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ fishermen out at sea. The justification? They claim that both states are still technically at war, which an unsuccessful search in the nation's archives for any form of peace treaty has proven to be true. Before you have time to even process this information, a gaggle of your closest advisers have rushed you off to the War Room.

could be:

[Description] Didopolis, a small yet formidable city state once fought a war against @@NAME@@, which slowly petered without a formal peace treaty. Relationships improved, and trade has been flourishing for decades. However, recently a small flotilla of Didopolitan and @@DEMONYM@@ fishing vessels clashed over territory disagreements, and violence ensued.

Then, you have the options to expand the story. The first option could be a @@DEMONYM@@ fisherman claiming that if the nations are still at war then he's done nothing wrong in ramming and sinking Didiopolitan vessels, and you should be sending the navy out to secure the waters, and giving him a medal. The second option could suggest diplomacy, peace, and punishing the fishermen. Then the third option would be the crazy approach.

Thanks. ^^ I wrote it knowing it was going to be way too much, but I thought seeing as it was a draft, it was better to start there and then cut in subsequent drafts. :)

I was thinking of maybe getting the fishermen involved, and if so taking inspiration from the "Scallop Wars" between British and French fishermen, so I'll definitely give that a try. :)

[Kylarnatia]

[Title] The War That Time Forgot

[Description] Long ago, @@NAME@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis fought a war that eventually ground to a halt and concluded without a formal peace treaty. Relations have improved steadily over time and trade has been flourishing for decades. However, a small flotilla of Didopolitan and @@DEMONYM@@ fishing vessels recently clashed over territorial disputes, and violence ensued.

[Validity] All

[Option] "Those damn Didopolitan's were fishing in our area and stealing our catch!" Shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sailor from the S.S. Aurora, one of the @@DEMONYM@@ trawlers involved in the incident. "Ramming them was the only way to get them to back off. So what if some of them almost drowned, we're still technically at war aren't we? You should be mobilising the Navy to help protect our interests. The boys and I also deserve some recognition for our actions, don't you think?"
[Effect] naval officers bemoan getting stuck on "crab pot duty"

[Option] "No, no, no! This just won't do at all." Cries your exacerbated Minister for Foreign Affairs, "This absolutely thuggish behaviour threatens to throw away the years of hard work my predecessors and I put into building strong relations with Didopolis. We should publicly reprimand our sailors involved in the incident, and we should finally sign a formal peace treaty so that brutes like these can't use it as an excuse for their wanton aggression. Perhaps we should even throw in some of those fish as a sign of good-will?"
[Effect] recent proclamations of peace, love and friendship smell rather fishy

[Option] "Are you serious? We shouldn't be humouring such a blatantly unprovoked attack on our people!" Shouts the enraged Rear Admiral @@RANDOMNAME@@, mouth frothing as @@HE@@ grabs you tightly by your shoulders, aggressively pushing your Minister of Foreign Affairs aside. "If they want to treat this conflict as still ongoing, then let them have it! Just say the word, and I'll dispatch the fleet to deal with these agitators! We'll see who comes running for a peace treaty then."
[Effect] age-old conflicts are still ongoing despite nobody being quite sure what they were fighting for to begin with

[Option] "Now now, there isn't any need to be so extreme. I believe this presents us with an even grander opportunity to stir up patriotic sentiment." Calmly remarks your eccentric Propaganda Minister, using a spotted handkerchief to clean the Rear Admiral's spittle off your shirt. "We can turn this quite frankly minor incident into a gold mine of pride for one's nation and people. Imagine it, @@LEADER@@: patriotic songs and epic dramas commemorating the bravery of our brave fishermen and women in the face of the barbaric Didopolitan aggressors...I can already feel the lump in my throat. Just let me and my subordinates get to work, and this reinvigorated rivalry will become the talk of @@REGION@@!"
[Effect] even the most mundane diplomatic incident is turned into a piece of epic poetry

[Option] "Now hang on just a blubber-loving minute. The Didopolitan's started it! This wouldn't have happened had our fishermen been adequately equipped to stop such incidents occurring in the first place." Complains Captain-turned-Undersecretary for Fisheries and Sea Shanties, Arnold Trout. "I've seen the Navy's stockpile of unused mines. Why not let me and the boys take some off their hands? That way, those pesky Didopolitan's will have to think twice before trying to take our catch again! Aharr!"
[Validity] Must have a large fishing industry
[Effect] foreign fishermen can end up getting trapped in a very real game of Minesweeper

Changelog - Updated 15/02/19

• Rewritten / shortened down the description and option texts. Also cut out the options regarding both war and propaganda for the sake of making the story more focused.
• Removed the 'Validity' flag for Option Three as I felt it wasn't really necessary anymore. Also changed the effect line as I felt it was much funnier than the last one.

Not sure what I think of the effect line for Option One, and an alternative for Option Two that I had in mind was:

[Effect] fishermen across the nation make effigies of @@LEADER@@ walk the plank

[Kylarnatia]

Anymore thoughts on this? I've been thinking about changing up some of the language so that the effect lines can be a bit more of a swerve (e.g. remove the direct mention of mines in Option 3 so as to make the Minesweeper joke a bit more of a surprise and thus hopefully more entertaining).

Also wondering if the title also needs to be changed. Some ideas I had included:

• Fishermen's Foes / Woes
• Here's The Catch / There's A Catch...
• Hook, Line and Sink Her!

I like the second one because it has a double meaning in the sense it's talking about "catches" (which is what caused the dispute), but the "catch" is also that the two states are technically at war.

[Kylarnatia]

[Title] Here's The Catch

[Description] Long ago, @@NAME@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis fought a war that eventually ground to a halt and concluded without a formal peace treaty. Relations have improved steadily over time and trade has been flourishing for decades. However, a small flotilla of Didopolitan and @@DEMONYM@@ fishing vessels recently clashed over territorial disputes, and violence ensued.

[Validity] All

[Option] "Those damn Didopolitan's were fishing in our area and stealing our catch!" Shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sailor from the S.S. Aurora, one of the @@DEMONYM@@ trawlers involved in the incident. "Ramming them was the only way to get them to back off. So what if some of them almost drowned, we're still technically at war aren't we? You should be mobilising the Navy to help protect our interests. The boys and I also deserve some recognition for our actions, don't you think?"
[Effect] naval officers bemoan getting stuck on "crab pot duty"

[Option] "No, no, no! This just won't do at all." Cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, your exacerbated Minister for Foreign Affairs, "This absolutely thuggish behaviour threatens to throw away the years of hard work my predecessors and I put into building strong relations with Didopolis. We should publicly reprimand our sailors involved in the incident, and we should finally sign a formal peace treaty so that brutes like these can't use it as an excuse for their wanton aggression. Perhaps we should even throw in some of those fish as a sign of good-will?"
[Effect] recent proclamations of peace, love and friendship smell rather fishy

[Option] "Now hang on just a blubber-loving minute. The Didopolitan's started it! This wouldn't have happened had our fishermen been adequately equipped to stop such incidents occurring in the first place." Complains Captain-turned-Undersecretary for Fisheries and Sea Shanties, Arnold Trout. "I've heard the Navy has stockpiles of unused hardware just lying around. Give the all clear, @@LEADER@@, and we can get to work. Those pesky Didopolitan's will have to think twice before trying to take our catch again! Aharr!"
[Effect] wayward fishermen can end up getting trapped in a very real game of Minesweeper

Changelog - Updated 19/02/19

• Changed the title yet again to fit more of the story;
• Added a name for the Foreign Minister as I didn't see the reason why they'd be left unnamed;
• Removed the mention of mines in Option Three so the effect line is hopefully a bit more of a surprise and therefore more humorous.

[Kylarnatia]

Any other comments? If not I'll make this the 'Last Call' and submit soon.

[Merni]

[Title] Here's The Catch

[Description] Long ago, @@NAME@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis fought a war that eventually ground to a halt and concluded without a formal peace treaty. Relations have improved steadily over time and trade has been flourishing for decades. However, a small flotilla of Didopolitan and @@DEMONYM@@ fishing vessels recently clashed over territorial disputes, and violence ensued.

[Validity] All

[Option] "Those damn Didopolitan's (remove the apostrophe) were fishing in our area and stealing our catch!" Shouts (Remove the capitalisation) @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sailor from the S.S. Aurora, one of the @@DEMONYM@@ trawlers involved in the incident. "Ramming them was the only way to get them to back off. So what if some of them almost drowned, we're still technically at war aren't we? You should be mobilising the Navy to help protect our interests. The boys and I also deserve some recognition for our actions, don't you think?"
[Effect] naval officers bemoan getting stuck on "crab pot duty"

[Option] "No, no, no! This just won't do at all." Cries (Remove capitalisation, and change the full stop in the quote to a comma) @@RANDOMNAME@@, your exacerbated (That doesn't sound right, "exacerbated" means "made worse") Minister for Foreign Affairs, (That should be a full stop, not a comma) "This absolutely thuggish behaviour threatens to throw away the years of hard work my predecessors and I put into building strong relations with Didopolis. We should publicly reprimand our sailors involved in the incident, and we should finally sign a formal peace treaty so that brutes like these can't use it as an excuse for their wanton aggression. Perhaps we should even throw in some of those fish as a sign of good-will?"
[Effect] recent proclamations of peace, love and friendship smell rather fishy

[Option] "Now hang on just a blubber-loving minute. The Didopolitan's (should be Didopolitans) started it! This wouldn't have happened had our fishermen been adequately equipped to stop such incidents occurring in the first place." Complains (Remove capitalisation) Captain-turned-Undersecretary for Fisheries and Sea Shanties, Arnold Trout. "I've heard the Navy has stockpiles of unused hardware just lying around. Give the all clear, @@LEADER@@, and we can get to work. Those pesky Didopolitan's (Didopolitans) will have to think twice before trying to take our catch again! Aharr!"
[Effect] wayward fishermen end up getting trapped in a very real game of Minesweeper

I've made a few grammar comments, in red.

[Kylarnatia]

-snip-

Thanks a lot! I often find myself making a lot of these mistakes when I'm writing short pieces for some reason (I make less of these mistakes when roleplaying), so I'm glad someone is paying attention.

[Kylarnatia]

[Title] Here's The Catch

[Description] Long ago, @@NAME@@ and the small yet formidable city-state of Didopolis fought a war that eventually ground to a halt and concluded without a formal peace treaty. Relations have improved steadily over time and trade has been flourishing for decades. However, a small flotilla of Didopolitan and @@DEMONYM@@ fishing vessels recently clashed over territorial disputes, and violence ensued.

[Validity] All

[Option] "Those damn Didopolitans were fishing in our area and stealing our catch!" shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sailor from the S.S. Aurora, one of the @@DEMONYM@@ trawlers involved in the incident. "Ramming them was the only way to get them to back off. So what if some of them almost drowned, we're still technically at war aren't we? You should be mobilising the Navy to help protect our interests. The boys and I also deserve some recognition for our actions, don't you think?"
[Effect] naval officers bemoan getting stuck on "crab pot duty"

[Option] "No, no, no! This just won't do at all," cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, your exasperated Minister for Foreign Affairs. "This absolutely thuggish behaviour threatens to throw away the years of hard work my predecessors and I put into building strong relations with Didopolis. We should publicly reprimand our sailors involved in the incident, and we should finally sign a formal peace treaty so that brutes like these can't use it as an excuse for their wanton aggression. Perhaps we should even throw in some of those fish as a sign of good-will?"
[Effect] recent proclamations of peace, love and friendship smell rather fishy

[Option] "Now hang on just a blubber-loving minute. The Didopolitans started it! This wouldn't have happened had our fishermen been adequately equipped to stop such incidents occurring in the first place." complains Captain-turned-Undersecretary for Fisheries and Sea Shanties, Arnold Trout. "I've heard the Navy has stockpiles of unused hardware just lying around. Give the all clear, @@LEADER@@, and we can get to work. Those pesky Didopolitans will have to think twice before trying to take our catch again! Aharr!"
[Effect] wayward fishermen end up getting trapped in a very real game of Minesweeper

Changelog - Updated 20/02/19

• Removed some capitalisation and fixed grammar errors;
• Changed exacerbated in Option Two to exasperated as was originally intended.

Any other final comments?

[Kylarnatia]

Last call for feedback - if there's nothing else anyone has to say, I think this is ready to submit. :)

[Verdant Haven]

As a very minor suggestion -

The name of the ship S.S. Aurora is slightly non-standard for maritime purposes. "S.S." indicates "steam ship" and isn't likely to be used much these days for a fishing boat. It is a popular colloquially due to its familiarity from books and movies, but not quite "proper." A more likely term might be "MV" for Motor Vessel, or "FV" for Fishing Vessel. The other part, as hinted at by those suggestions, is that despite being acronyms, there aren't any periods between the letters. You can use a slash sometimes... S/S and M/V in this particular case... but no periods.

I know real world stuff doesn't necessarily apply to NS, but thought I'd throw that out there since it's something I see frequently!

[Socio Polor]

For the validity, you might want to possibly put down "Must have a military." Though I don't recall any issues that bans the military.

[Kylarnatia]

As a very minor suggestion -

The name of the ship S.S. Aurora is slightly non-standard for maritime purposes. "S.S." indicates "steam ship" and isn't likely to be used much these days for a fishing boat. It is a popular colloquially due to its familiarity from books and movies, but not quite "proper." A more likely term might be "MV" for Motor Vessel, or "FV" for Fishing Vessel. The other part, as hinted at by those suggestions, is that despite being acronyms, there aren't any periods between the letters. You can use a slash sometimes... S/S and M/V in this particular case... but no periods.

I know real world stuff doesn't necessarily apply to NS, but thought I'd throw that out there since it's something I see frequently!

I knew SS meant "Steam Ship", I've just seen some boats do that as a purely stylised thing, but if you're telling me it's improper then I'll change it. :) I'll probably just say "the Aurora". Thanks!

For the validity, you might want to possibly put down "Must have a military." Though I don't recall any issues that bans the military.

Thanks for the suggestion! I can see what you're thinking, but as you say there isn't really an issue that bans military: you can choose options that make your military really small and your nation exceedingly pacifist (though the latter does not refrain you from having a large military). I imagine it's therefore safe to assume that all nations still have some form of defence force: after all, Option One who likely have the effect of increasing military spending. ;)

[Kylarnatia]

This has now been submitted.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to give feedback on this one. It went through quite the transformation. :)

[Jutsa]

Good luck, Kylarnatia.

[Socio Polor]

Good Luck

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck!