The Infinites: The Dork Knight (Comedy, Supers, Dead) - IC

[Barapam]

Back at the café:

As Irina was brooding over Glitch's goatee, Adictivas sensed a possibly evil presence, and felt himself drawn to it. He made sure to turn Irina's attention towards it as well.

"Hey, you! Who's that guy, next to metal girl? He seems delightfully evil..."
"Who? Oh, that's just Blimp Man. He's not evil. Just one of the local supervillains. I guess they have a meeting here too. It's a small town after all, not many places to choose from." Her reply was very matter-of-factly. It didn't feel to her weird to have an inner dialogue with this other being anymore. Part of it was due to Adictivas' own influence over her organism, but mostly it was because nothing really surprised her anymore. Her life had become a lot stranger ever since she met the Infinites.

"Ooooh! Supervillains! Can we sit with them instead?"
"No! You can't sit with them!" Irina had never seen "Mean Girls", but she unknowingly said it the same way Gretchen did to Regina during one of the lunch scenes in that film. Adictivas initially felt a bit pouty about it, but when he saw that she went back to ogling Glitch' unkept goatee, he felt some sinister satisfaction.

"Good... Everything goes according to plan..." Well, if it was his plan to make it look as if the world-famous tennis player Anna Kournikova, the wife of the equally world-famous singer Enrique Iglesias, suddenly was falling in love with Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, he was kinda succeeding, if you looked from afar and only with the corner of your eye. Unfortunately for Adictivas, no paparazzi had been in Orient formore than ten years...

Some time later, Town Hall:

"That's very interesting, tell me more", Irina said to Glitch, and her smile was completely without irony. Her eyes however, were not up there with his, she (or rather Adictivas) had made her choice and kept them glued to the small brown bush just below his mouth. As a result, she didn't see the villains either, but Adictivas did, and reacted quickly.

"Hey! Wait for me!" It was his words, but they came out of the mouth of his host, and the space parasite made Space Bear run up to the villains and catch up with them just before the door slammed shut behind them.

"Phew! That was close. So, what's the plan? Are we mugging someone?" Adictivas was in full control, and even though Irina was as shocked as the villains probably were, she could do nothing about it. #@%¤!!!

[Zjaum]

Miles "Staple Remover Man" Petersen

It was a good day tonight. Miles was a man who appreciated local politics. SRM's alter ego who came to every meeting, always with a complaint and a small packet of talking points. Unlike the rest of the regulars at the weekly town hall meeting, he actually smelled nice, and didn't have wonky hairdo. Plus, he didn't tend to raise his voice or make faces like he just bit into twenty lemons simultaneously.

Still, he was at the world series of town hall meetings: the mayoral debate. He had a list of twenty questions, at least three of which he hoped to gather applause and accolades from the audience and the panel. It never happened, but everyone else acted like they expected it, so why shouldn't he?

He'd come to the meeting with his super-suit, which would have made him look amazing and muscular. However, he had to stick his helmet in his shirt as well, giving him a little bit of a fake beer belly- almost as bad as the rest of the trash who normally go to meetings like these. As any good citizen would, he'd brought a pad and paper for notes. He brought a stapler and staple remover as well. The metal detection people let him by, recognizing him as a regular- and their favorite regular at that. The fools checking security at the front didn't know how dangerous he was with a 346-DX, but that would be his own personal secret- until the right time.


Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Mayoral debates. Henry had exerted plenty of self-surprising self-control by abstaining from a half-dozen "who are the true bad guys" jokes. He had a difficult time keeping up with the crew and fashioning his mobile simultaneously. Being from out of town, he prioritized the former task over the latter. As a result, his mobile, while still incredibly functional and water-resistant, was not exactly the best-constructed of mobile devices. Then there was the problem of hiding the one-meter-long circle in any sort of costume, or at least out of sight of the Infinites. Any information the heroes could obtain on the plan could jeopardize the whole operation.

Fortunately, there was a particularly big costume. Some mascot or other had a big, spherical sun costume, one that was lying in the corner. It was bright and yellow, but hopefully that would distract the audience from looking at his easily-distinguishable face. He stuffed the hula hoop inside. Hopefully he could get it out without anyone noticing, but for now, it was subterfuge time.


Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Aubree had forgotten that there would probably be a metal detector at the entrance. She shuffled nervously in line as she moved forward. The metal detector spotted her when she was two yards away from the front of the line, leading to some crazy antics along the lines of "I swear, officer, I don't have a weapon! I didn't swallow anything, either! Please search me again, sir!"

When Aubree arrived, the detector was overloaded and practically short-circuited. Whether that was her or that was Glitch, she couldn't tell. Regardless, she passed through all right. She sat down nervously. Hopefully this would be a nice, quiet night to conclude the hectic day.

[New Castillan Empire]

The Mite, Backstage at the Town Hall

Suddenly, a projector noise emitted as the Mite waltzed back in on a wall lit up by the backstage lights, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and carrying a suitcase and visibly panting.

"Sorry, fellas! Got a little caught up back in my gap tour of the Pacific. It's a bit odd... last time I remember I couldn't go a week without a nuke being tested where I was! Took everythin' out of me, I tell ya! Then some Mexican chick came and picked me up and threw me back into this dump." The Mite complained as a 1930s' cartoon-style version of the NCE's own Queen Celaeno came into the frame and slapped him, sending his head turning at least 900 degrees before it spun around back the right way, causing him to become dizzy for a moment.

"Right, where were we, fellas? Jumpin' in on Brucey's little meeting and giving him what-for, right?" The Mite said to Bur-Ock. "Just send me up there. I'll wreck his entire little PowerPoint presentation myself! C'mon, I haven't been this hungry for action since I went to my cousin's in Japan! I mean, somethin' about their cartoon girls... woo, hubba hubba!"

[Talchyon]

The Mayoral Debate
Backstage at the Town Hall
Doc Bur-Ock

As the villains proceeded through the back entrance to the town hall, just out of sight of the Infinites, Doc Bur-Ock was astonished to see a non-functional metal detector at the back door. "What!? I'm sure the city didn't file the proper paperwork to get this! I would know!" Fortunately, like most of the things back there, it was left over from the 1950's and didn't work.

The idea of Blimp Man to get in a disguise was a great one. If only he had thought of that before! But no! Doc Bur-Ock and the rest of the villains were all dressed in their super suits, spandex and tights with logos, but only more sinister looking. He glanced at the rest, thinking that at least these villains would be known for their villainy and terror would be struck in the hearts of the city - and maybe the world! There was Ulterior Motive Man, and the Mite, and Blimp Man looking like some bit part actor from a children's theater production, And Jello!, and all the rest of the villains, and... wait. There was one more... It was...

SPACE BEAR?! THE INFINITE?! WHAT WAS SHE DOING HERE?! WERE THEIR PLANS TO RUIN THE DEBATE ALL FOR NOTHING?! WAS SHE GOING TO ATTEMPT TO STUPEFY THEM INTO STUPIDITY (I mean, like, more than the politicians were hoping to do normally by their boring speeches)?

Wait. No. She was...

joining the villains.

This could be interesting!

Doc Bur-Ock seized the situation. "Glad you finally came to your senses, Space Bear. Ok. So here's the plan. We villains are going to disrupt the debate. But at the right time. It has to be at the right time! Too late, and we look incompetent. And I mean, I know people think we are incompetent, and maybe we are, but I don't want us to look like we're incompetent, and... Never mind. What I was meaning to say was, that at the right point and time, Florida Man has all these lobsters he's going to release on stage. Blimp Man, or Mr. Happy Sunshine over there, is going to parade all of Mr. Wayne Bruce's favorite things that we (cough cough) "borrowed" from his summer home earlier today, so that he will freak out and gladly spill the beans about his password to his super secret safe! And the Mite here was going to run interference on anyone who bothered them! And in the midst of all the chaos, I would take the mike, and give...

the ultimate speech about why our society needs more bureaucracy! It's foolproof!

Which is good, because we don't have the brightest of the bunch with us, if you know what I'm talking about. If even fools can do this, then we can too."

Realizing that he was getting into point 6 font a little too much, Doc Bur-Ock shook it off and said, "Never mind that. You. Space Bear. You can help. You... distract the Infinites when they come in! Make sure they don't stop us, or know our evil plan! Not like they could anyway, because they're the Infinites. Now anyway, we villains are going to get ready. And on my signal, guys, we'll make our move. Heh heh heh!" And the villains all went off, leaving Irina there to distract the other guys when they came in.

---

Outside coming inside by the backdoor way of entering said building
Captain Calculator

As Glitch droned on, Calculator turned to Coathangerman and asked, "What is that thing that you brought? I've never seen any kind of device like that."

Coathangerman smiled, or sneered, it was kind of hard to tell which. Maybe his sneer had a smile style, or his smile had a sneer veneer. Regardless, the device looked like a bunch of unrelated, tangential things from Coathangerman's Mom's garage, all jury-rigged together with a couple of places with heavy use of duct tape. Hoses came out here and there. A small strand of tiny Christmas lights fell down one side. It was kind of like a box, except that part which was more like something that had bunches of things coming out of it, some of which attached to nothing.

Coathangerman simply responded, "You know how I was telling you about that thing I was working on? I finally got it done. Say hello to my newest invention: the Political Speech Translator. This baby listens to all of the speeches that politicians make, and it translates them into what they really mean, using normal words that anyone can understand. I was hoping to use it tonight during the debate."

Captain Calculator looked reasonably impressed. "Wow. That's a good idea. I'd sure be interested in seeing if this thing does what you just said it can do. I know politicians promise the moon and the stars. Maybe this will tell us if they actually are promising to give what they say."

Coathangerman's smile / sneer grew deeper. "Plus, there's a lie detector built-in, too, so any time a politician promises something, I can see if he actually intends to keep that promise. Voting is going to be really informative for me this year."

Aubrey had gone up ahead, to get in the door first, following Irina. When Calculator, Coathangerman and the rest got there, they had to pass through an old busted metal detector that looked like it had been in some 50's-comic-strip-turned-into-a-television-series. There was Aubrey, sitting down. And Irina, standing there looking like she was having a private conversation with herself. There were a few others, but they were standing closer to the actual stage where the debate was just beginning. Calculator paid them no mind. Now was the time to give the pep talk to all the Infinites."

"Ok, so you know, guys, that we have an obligation as heroes to make sure that we defend truth, justice, and the American way (except for you, Captain Andorra. Yes, you can defend truth, justice, and the Andorran way. I'm sure it's similar). And since we are Infinites - really, we are, that means we have to fulfill our obligations. That includes you too, Glitch. We can't slack off on the job. So let's make sure that no one harms the..."

At that moment, there was a loud gasp from the crowd as more than a hundred lobsters flooded the stage. Doc Bur-Ock slapped his forehead in aggravation. Of course, Florida Man had to jump the gun early! Just when the politicos were starting to talk about security issues in the town!

And that's when the whole Town Hall of Orient (the people in it, that is, not the building) went completely chaotic.

[Barapam]

Irina applauded the Mite's performance. "I love cartoons! Can you do Nu, pogodi! next?" But before her request of a rerun of a Tom & Jerry-style Soviet cartoon about a wolf and a hare was taken up by the Mite, Doc Bur-Ock, the burlesque burglarious bureaucrat, approached her. Or rather, the part of her which was controlled by Adictivas.

"No way I'm helping ... the Infinites! I'm totally with you guys now! I'll keep them occupied!" they answered him. Although they couldn't agree, they both decided to stay behind, Adictivas because he wanted to do what Bur-Ock said (his plan was to start from the bottom and do menial tasks like this to begin with, and then eventually take over as the big boss of Orient, which he was sure he one day would do), and Irina because she felt that she had to alert her friends about what was about to happen. She joined them when they entered, and although Calculator's pep talk was inspiring, she felt she should be given the same exception as Captain Andorra (like seriously, she wouldn't even have to renounce her American citizenship, since she didn't even have one although it would be both weird and stupid to fight for a system that no longer existed...)

However, before she had the chance to aid either the heroes or the villains, it all hit the fan. Tons of lobsters rained down over the stage. The moderator banged the gavel so hard it broke, and he then used his shoe on the desk, but to no use at all (except to Irina, who understood the reference).

"Do something!"

Was it her or Adictivas' thought? Or a cry from the audience? None of them knew, but they both knew they had to jump into action. Irina got ready to run, but she found herself lighting a cigarette instead!

"What is this? I don't smoke! Where did I even get this?"
"Don't you worry your pretty head with that. I need this. Besides, I thought you'd like the lighter? It's an anime meme of the first female Russian president riding a bear."
"I know, I can see that, and yes, I like it, but..."
"But what?"

And so Space Bear and the space parasite continued to argue, all while the only political winner in this Town Hall seemed to be anarchy.

[Zjaum]

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Confound it! First the fake bomb threat, and now this! Guess it didn't matter that they were only the lobster tails; Henry still needed to so something! Hinshaw leapt into action. He stumbled on his sun costume and promptly rolled over, hanging up in the air, the belly of the overly-spherical costume holding him up off the ground.

By the time that Blimp had shifted his balance to return to his own two feet, he looked at the mobile. His apparent trip had cost him the suspension part of his mobile. He could no longer hang the hula-hoop up, and he needed to find a replacement, and ASAP!

Then he looked over to the middle of the crowd. Coat Hanger Man.

"Ah ha! This was all just a part of my- oh, screw it," Hinshaw said as he ran through the crowd, his large costume barreling through the center aisle. "Lord of the Coat Hangers! I've come for your hangers!"


Miles "Staple Remover Man" Petersen

This was his big moment. The attendees who looked like superheroes... Calculator Guy... Sun Guy... They were all caught in the panic. This was his big chance! He stood on top of his chair. "Have no fear, everyone! I have come to save the- save the... Hold on a second, everybody!" Miles had attempted to remove his button-down shirt to reveal his superhero outfit. Unfortunately, after decades of people trying it, the tailor companies had made their button fastening considerably stronger. Miles took a quick moment to unbutton his shirt.

"There we are. I have come to save the- woah!"

He got knocked off his chair and began body surfing the crowd, luckily to his primary target.

"Ah ha, foul crustacean!... Tails, I guess, whatever... You have met your match! Have at you!"

At this, he began whacking and chiseling at the hard exoskeletons of the lobster tails with his level-style staple remover, not for a moment relenting. "Take that, you- !"


Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

What a day to be a hero. Aubree had come to see rational, intelligent civic discussion, and now there was simply pandemonium!

Author's Note: Yeah, couldn't think of anything for her. Skipping her temporarily. Hope you understand. Dinner's in the fridge.

[Talchyon]

The Town Hall debate fiasco
Doc Bur-Ock

When the lobsters flooded on to the stage with their odd scuttling sounds, and the flummoxed moderator was demolishing the gavel on the podium and then, banging his shoe on the same podium to re-establish order, the politicians on the stage were equally perplexed. Kent Clarke had just begun to give a polished, stirring answer to the question of "If you were mayor, what would you do to help suffering octogenarians in our community?" But alas, he could not answer it in time, and there was no way the chaotic scene was apropos for the discussion of cantankerous 80 year-olds. The lobsters scuttled forward, snapping with their claws and trying to avoid anyone who looked like he might have melted butter and a lemon slice, the easier to cook up a lobster with.

During the melee, Doc Bur-Ock realized that now they had to rush out onto the stage and parade the valuables of Wayne Bruce in front of his eyes, in hopes that he might spoil his safe combination! So after shouting out orders for the other villains to follow him on stage, Doc Bur-Ock held up the first object in front of the gazillionaire Wayne Bruce's eyes as he shouted,

"See? Look! It's your precious copy of Horton Hears a Hoo! The very first book you owned! Now, tell us the code."

Stifling a yawn, Wayne Bruce said, "Hey. I have that book too. Great read when I was in kindergarten."

Annoyed, Doc Bur-Ock pulled out the second thing: a trophy. "See? Look! It's your precious trophy from when you... hold on... it says '8th grade spelling trophy runner up.' Unless you tell us the code to your safe, you'll never see it again."

To which Wayne Bruce said, "I was trying to find a place to get rid of that. The dump wouldn't take it, so, hey, thanks. Saves me a hassle."

Even more annoyed, Doc Bur-Ock pulled out as many more things as the villains had pilfered from Wayne Bruce's summer home. To each supposedly priceless item, the gazillionaire politico shrugged it off. Apparently, he has ten more just like them all in his other home. Doc Bur-Ock was so thoroughly annoyed, that he wanted to get his head clear and think of what to do next. And the best way to clear his head? Was to give a speech to the whole community about why they needed more bureaucracy in government!

But before he could get to the mike in the front of the stage, he saw two things in the audience that slowed him down. The first was that there was a massive number of policemen sealing off the doors and beginning to flood the stage. We're talking about a few hundred. More police officers than suffering, cranky octogenarians in Orient - and believe me, that's a lot since Orient leads all of Minnesota in the percentage of citizens who are suffering, cranky octogenarians.

Doc Bur-Ock wondered whether or not the police heard his earlier comments about trying to get the number of Wayne Bruce's safe and items they had illegally taken from Wayne Bruce's home, and if they had, whether or not they thought this a trivial offense that needed a warning only and not time in prison.

The second thing Doc Bur-Ock noticed, was that there were five seemingly identical men now standing, towards the front left. It was as if they were twins, and then the twins mitosis-ized and became two sets of twins, and then a fifth long lost twin appeared. And the five men were whispering with each other, only to decide something. And at that moment, the five identical looking men pulled off their suits, revealing a blue costume with red boots and red capes, each with his own personalized logo. One was holding a trumpet, one had what looked like a burrito, one guy slouched, one guy had a bottle of whiskey in his hand and took a swig, and the last guy was just there. He didn't hold anything.

Come to think of it, the more Doc Bur-Ock looked around at the townspeople before that fateful moment when the police charged the stage, he could see other, similar-identical looking men in every row, every column. Some had 3 or 4 together. One row was taken by no one else except the strange identical looking men. If he was a calculating man (and he was, when he was holding a calculator), Doc Bur-Ock would have assumed that half the audience was none other than these... weird twins...

The police were charging the stage. The Infinites in the back were messing with Blimp Man who was keeping them occupied. The weird identical men in the audience were all doing something hidden, secretive, mysterious and furtive. The politicians were beside themselves - not literally, because that would be really hard to learn full-body mitosis in those circumstances. The lobsters were clacking, scuttling, snapping their claws at anything that got in their way. The moderator was going to need a new pair of shoes based on what he was doing to it. Everyone else in the audience was talking to the person next to them, or screaming, or in general, making noise.

Which left only one thing to do.

Doc Bur-Ock calmly approached the mike and said clearly, "People of Orient! Our government needs efficiency, careful tracking, and a keen, heartfelt desire to follow proper protocol. That means, we need to petition whoever gets to be the next mayor of Orient that he should increase the bureaucracy in our local government by 200%! We are tired of having our local government run as it has! We demand that our town government run more like our country's government! We demand... BUREAUCRACY! Say it with me! We demand Bureaucracy! We demand Bureaucracy!" He was the only one saying that chant. But Doc Bur-Ock was hopeful that it would catch on. Soon. Like before the police wrestled him away from the mike.

They got on the stage. Began to try to avoid the lobsters. And then, that's when the lights went off! The theater was plunged into complete black darkness (and dark blackness, we're not racists). While there were several shrieks at first, followed by a shiek, the sound that permeated the darkened theater was the voice of one Doc Bur-Ock, chanting, "We demand Bureaucracy! We demand Bureaucracy! We demand..." Again, he was the only one wanting more bureaucracy out of his government...

But soon after, the lights came on. Everybody rubbed their eyes. The police looked around, wary for what had just happened. And on the stage...

one of the politicians was missing.

Wayne Bruce.

He was nowhere to be found.


And instead, in the near silent clatterings of people now able to see again, one lone figure stood at the center of the balcony with a rope in his hand, attached to the ceiling. He was furry. But he wasn't A furry - at least, not that anybody knew. He had a tool belt attached to his waist. A spiffy pair of yellowed looking goggles on his eyes. And a short cape behind him. On his chest, was a familiar logo. And he said, "I am WOMBATMAN! STOP THIS CHARADE, CRIMINALS OF EVIL!"

That logo? It had once shined in the night sky of Orient, not too long before...

[Barapam]

By now, the cigarette had taken effect. No, not that Irina's health detoriated, nor anyone else's from second-hand smoking, because Adictivas, the extraterrestrial tar-being, sucked out all of the tar and other poisons as if it was nectar, and it filled him with energy. Said energy also gave a boost to Irina, who full of adrenaline almost forget where she were. She waved her hand in a pose similar to the famous photo of a Soviet political commissar, but unlike him, Irina was luckily not immediately shot down by German soldiers.

"Forward comrades! Defend the Motherla- I mean, Town Hall!" Weather this was aimed at the heroes or villains was anyone's guess. Nevertheless, she ran up on stage with Doc Bur-Ock. The supergopnitsa had in the meantime, since she had left her gun at home and forgotten that Nikolai was there to summon weapons from thin air, grabbed a flagpole with the star-spangled banner, which she now held as a Lance, or a spear, as she charged against the charging policemen and the advancing totally-not-Superman clones.

"WORKERS OF ORIENT, UNITE!" she shouted, and made a very good impression of the painting "Liberty leading the people", except with clothes on. However, before she could go full all-out flag-fight like Tom Cruise in "The Last Samurai" or Mel Gibson in the "The Simpsons" version of "Mr. Smith Goes to Hollywood", the power went out. Irina stumbled, and embarrassingly fell off the stage. "Ow! #$*§°&%@☭ floor!"

When the lights came back on, the Commie cutie rubbed her eyes and evaluated the new situation. Wayne Bruce was gone, and Wombatman was there instead. There could only be one explanation.

"Hey! I remember you from the alley!" she shouted loud , and pointed at Wombatman. "You're the one robbing all the old ladies!"

It had to be the millionaire in disguise. Why he had chosen to change right now she didn't know, but she was impressed by how fast he could switch costumes. If Irina could learn to be just as swift, maybe she could get something fancier than this old Adidas tracksuit.

"What? No no no! This suit is good, you should keep it! Don't throw me away!"
"Shut up! You're way too opinionated for a piece of fabric."
"No, YOU'RE the one who's too opinionated! Why do you hate me? What have I ever done to you?"
"... sigh... "