The Great NationStates Bake Off - Patisserie Week

[The Great NationStates Bake Off]

Welcome to the Great NationStates Bake Off!

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NationStates' first amateur baking show where every participant is a GCR. Airs Tuesdays. Incredibly entertaining. Very sarcastic host. Audience input. Really beautiful cookies and cupcakes. Sounds yummy, right?

Episodes so far...

Cookie Week
Cupcake Week
Patisserie Week

Yes, I know that this looks like an anonymous puppet, but if it isn't painfully obvious who I am, you probably don't know me anyway. I just like anonymous puppets, okay? If you read this, please enjoy a video of a baby dikdik. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSv3s6FRFUE

[The Great NationStates Bake Off]

"Well, Warzone Airspace, I think it's time to diffuse the tent-ion."

"What do you mean, Warzone Sandbox? I'm feeling pretty relaxed."

"I don't think our bakers are."

"Oh, that was today?!"

"You did get the tent ready, didn't you?"

"Well, if I hadn't, at least there would be less tent-ion."

Nine bakers have entered the tent for the Great NationStates Bake Off, a very original concept that nobody can be sued for. These nine are NationStates' best amateur baker regions, in the same way that if nobody in a region has any endorsements, random ones will be put at the top of the World Census. They also happen to be the Feeders and Sinkers. Right now, though, all of them are Bakers.

Warzone Sandbox steps forward.

"Welcome, Bakers! For the next six weeks, you'll be whittled down one by one, like a cookie box gradually being decimated, until only the winner remains. You may notice that, unlike in the real Great British Bake Off, there are no judges - that's because NSGP as a whole is going to judge you, hopefully, if this isn't a completely awful idea."

"So, why wait? We want each region to produce a batch of beautiful and tasty cookies this week! Ready, set, BAKE!"

The bakers get going immediately. There are various close ups of worried faces, but it is difficult to tell that they are worried because all of their faces are flags. Lazarus drops its mixing bowl five times, and has to start again every time, each time trying a slightly different recipe. The Pacific tells Warzone Airspace that it's using a recipe several decades old. The Rejected Realms accidentally gets wolf fur in the cookie dough, and has to throw away several contaminated cookies. Balder does the same, but with balding hair. The hosts make several terrible puns that are not PG13 enough to be repeated on this forum. As the time ticks down, the South Pacific whispers "go go go" under its breath.

Then...

"BAKERS!" yells Warzone Sandbox. "The trigger's gone off, you have ten seconds to get your cookies onto the judging table!"

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Please imagine the following filmed in HD and slow motion, with detailed and loving close ups. Recipes are chosen based on personal thoughts on what fits, and also what would make good puns.

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THE EAST PACIFIC - LOLI-POP SWIRL COOKIES


Recipe

"Vanilla sugar cookies, sandwiched with peppermint cream, just like the sugar cookies of the Loligarchy surrounded the cold and minty heretics!"

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OSIRIS - SALTINO CARAMEL COOKIES


Recipe

"A cookie fit for a pharaoh. Enough to fulfil salt needs if NSGP isn't providing enough today."

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THE PACIFIC - ALMOND & EMPRESSO COOKIES


Recipe

"A good Pacifican must be ready to serve whenever the Emperor orders, just as these cookies are ready to serve with a deep black coffee."

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BALDER - CRANBERRY & PUMPQUEEN COOKIES


Recipe

"This cookie is so hearty and homely that we distribute it to the Jormsvikings as an essential part of their rations."

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THE SOUTH PACIFIC - LLAMA-N & POPPYSEED COOKIES


Recipe

"Not that sweet, but certainly very zesty. Best served with iced tea, which is best served spiked."

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THE REJECTED REALMS - KANDIED LEMON & THYME COOKIES


Recipe

"A sophisticated, herby, grown-up cookie. Eat it over your keyboard, and let the crumbs dictate what you type. It will make exactly as much sense as whatever else is being typed in TRR."

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THE NORTH PACIFIC - MALLTED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES


Recipe

"Whisking these was whiskey business - just like trying to read the Constibillocode when you're already very sleepy."

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LAZARUS - PEKHAN PINWHEEL COOKIES


Recipe

"It goes around and around in circles, never curving the same way twice. I can see how it could drive someone nuts."

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THE WEST PACIFIC - DARKESIA CHOCOLATE & CHILI


Recipe

"Spicy, salty, bitter, but overall pretty sweet. Actually, this cookie just sums up NationStates. Is it too late to change?"

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Who will go home? Who will be Star Baker? The audience decide...

You can vote in the thread poll above for as many regions as you like. They'll be counted next Tuesday, so vote soon, or you may not be able to vote for your region again, because it'll be out and it'll be all your fault.

You can also contribute to a region's success by submitting recipe ideas you think fit it well - send them to me by telegram, and each idea will add five votes to that region. If you actually bake any of these recipes and can post proof, that will count as at least ten votes for a region of your choice. The region with the most votes will become Star Baker - the region with the least will sadly be out of the Great NationStates Bake Off.

Tune in next Tuesday for Cupcakes and Muffins Week!

[Malphe]

Okay this made me chuckle

[New Haudenosaunee Confederacy]

Okay this made me chuckle

Same.

[Zukchiva]

East Pacific ftw! *Holds up sign*

This is beautiful!

[Aenglaland]

Those Mallted Chocolate Chip Cookies look so good

[Sassoon]

Mmmm, I'm getting hungry just reading this.

[Lord Dominator]

This is pretty funny actually

[Guyomartand]

Looks delicious... Shame we can't eat virtual food...

[Frattastan IV]

"It goes around and around in circles, never curving the same way twice. I can see how it could drive someone nuts."

Please be ashamed.

[The Ferret Lands]

These all look so good... but I can't vote for them all
I'm going to go eat some actual cookies now.

[Marilyn Manson Freaks]

Damn, now I'm hungry.

[Miss Bad Life Choices]

OSIRIS - SALTINO CARAMEL COOKIES

(Image)
Recipe

"A cookie fit for a pharaoh. Enough to fulfil salt needs if NSGP isn't providing enough today."

Yes to both the salt and the puns

[The Church of Satan]

Pun Level: 58

You're ready to take on the Pun-emon league.

[Fedele]

I support this.

[Grater Tovakia]

Great idea, if you can't beat TNP in N-day, you can beat them in a satirical forum bake-off.

[Altinsane]

Oh my gosh, who is doing this? I love it! Let me get my chef hat on, I'm bout to bake y'all into a corner!

[Cormactopia Prime]

I voted for Lazarus and Osiris (obviously), but honestly I like them all except TEP's, TSP's, and TRR's. The rest look so good, I actually want to eat them!

[Alkasia]

This is sufficiently wholesome and I do love the Bake Off.

If only I could bake, I'd make all of these.

[Yuno1]

This
is amazing
especially the Loli-pop cookies

[Jutsa]

I want every last one of these.

[Aumeltopia]

I voted for Lazarus and Osiris (obviously), but honestly I like them all except TEP's, TSP's, and TRR's. The rest look so good, I actually want to eat them!

In an unexpected twist, Cormac declares that henceforth he will judge which GCRs he likes and which he doesn't by whether or not he would want to eat their baked goods.

[Alkasia]

Maybe Balder and TRR can reconcile their differences over their shared risk of leaving.

[Glacikaldr]

Sad Alk.

I voted for Lazarus and Osiris (obviously), but honestly I like them all except TEP's, TSP's, and TRR's. The rest look so good, I actually want to eat them!

My apologies, but it seems you lack the sophistication necessary for taking pleasure from a True Reject's cuisine.

[Glacikaldr]

Maybe Balder and TRR can reconcile their differences over their shared risk of leaving.

You can apologise now.